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Crystal Amiss

When Crystal's mother died she felt like she would never get over it but is there somepony who can help her or will she forever be an empty vessel filled with only fear.
Constructive Criticism encouraged

Chapters (3)

Meet Crystal Rivot · 16th Jul 2012 · 1,251 words
1,251
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A wink and a smile · 18th Jul 2012 · 1,536 words
1,536
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This can't be happening · 22nd Jul 2012 · 2,933 words
2,933
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Comments ( 2 )

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iam_smithers

iam_smithers #1 · Jul 16th, 2012 · · · Meet Crystal Rivot ·

There is room for improvement here but your writing has a lot of potential. One thing you do need to do is be careful to make it clear when you have changed perspective. In the second paragraph for instance it was a bit confusing and wasn't immediately obvious that the perspective had changed from the Forrest to the room.

I think you also need to go a little bit further in painting a mental picture for the reader. The first sentence is good, but it could be improved upon by describing the scene a little more - for instance:

"The trees towered over me menacingly, their branches outstretched as if ready to attack. Haunting beams of light from the bright full moon shone through gaps in the canopy above and on the ground protruding roots lay in wait to spring into attack and pull me down to the ground."

That's just an example but it's the kind of thing I'm talking about, and there are other areas you could do the same sort of thing. If you do it helps create a better image in the reader's mind which makes the whole thing a bit more memorable to the reader.

Other than that, the only other things I can point out are things like punctuation errors that anybody can make and your dialogue just needs formatting a bit better - a new line for each different speaker.

Overall, I think that if this is your first fanfic it isn't too bad and you could have done a lot worse, especially in terms of the basic story, even if there are places you can improve.

TassieDevil