Finding A New Home

It seemed like a normal school carnavil, hanging out with my cousin Jessie and my 2 very best friends Dylan and Ontwale( I brought my dog Abby too!!) until.....the tornado hits and we hide in the school basment that noone even knew existed. when we come out everyone is .... is......dead. We walk into the woods and get lost Princess Celestia and Luna finds us and we tell them our story. They said they could take us to Equestria me and Jessie explain everything about Equestria to the guys and we go. We are all turned into pegasi without our cutie marks(witch is weird since we're 10.except jessie who is 11.) we get split up between 4 of the main 6. We go on some cool adventures too!!!!. Have we found a new home or are we just outsiders who don't mater? I'm useing every one's real name and age!!!!!!!!

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Comments ( 5 )

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Rose112601

Rose112601 #1 · Jul 19th, 2012 · · · Oh my.....Celestia? ·

Do you like It? I had to mention Big Mac because he's just so....so..... AWSOME! Weird girl out PEACE!!!!! Why do they only have sad, angrey and 'yay' Fluttershy's?

moviemaster8510

moviemaster8510 #2 · Jul 20th, 2012 · 1 · · The tornado ·

Why did you align the text to the right? Do you have any idea how jarring that is for the reader? Also, what's with the spacing in the text? That looks fucking stupid.

You need to learn pacing and being able to tell a coherent thought, because the lack of both in this fic makes this laborious to read. So, a tornado appears right he fuck out of nowhere and they all head to this cellar to make "jokes" that would make Carlos Mencia and Dane Cook look hilarious in comparison. And what makes you think your characters are funny? That people laugh at their "jokes"? That seems OOC for them, because any normal person would have probably not laughed at all because the jokes are fucking retarded.

OH FUCK! WALL OF TEXT!

And what the hell is the character's mom doing in the school? Was she a teacher? Did she have the day off of work and decide to smoke weed outside the school (probably to deal with the pain of having such a shitty writer for a son/daughter)? I don't know, because you never tell us. It's obvious that you wrote her in here because you thought we would think its "sad." This was our real reaction to her death, being as poorly written as it was:

[youtube=746HX-FB7iE]

Mary Branch Elementrey (<-- ) School. That explains the shit writing. Then Luna appears from no where and the kids are just like, "Cool," and... I can't even comprehend the rest of this shit anymore.