Things have not been going well for Twinkle, newly appointed student of Equestria’s beloved Princess. Not only has her idealised perception of Canterlot appeared to be completely incorrect, but she has also had to endure a devastating combination of illness and loss of control of her magical abilities. Thankfully, the Princess is at hand to distract Twinkle's worries with a tale of the much hated Elements of Harmony, which she claims is designed to teach her the methodology of control. But as the Princesses’ tale continues, it becomes clear that both the true meaning of this story and the Princesses’ intentions for telling the story are far deeper than Twinkle had originally believed...
Chapters (1)
Very nice, very well written.
I can't wait for the next chapter!
This is excellent. Can't wait for chapter two.
You have a very interesting framing device for this story, one that gives it quite a bit of ambiguity and mystery to the succeeding tale. It certainly makes for a great deal of questions.
The style, however, is something that rubs me somewhat the wrong way as it comes across as oddly pompous and overly verbose in parts (something which, I must admit, does seem to be well grounded in the narrator).
It still reads quite well (so you may well attribute this criticism to be a niggling little gripe on my part) and it is most certainly an intriguing start.
19 Glad you enjoyed it! As for the next chapter, I plan to begin writing it once my summer holidays finally begin (give or take 5 days), I'm currently adding more depth to my plan for the basic plot.
27 Again, nice to know you enjoyed it, I'll have the next chapter ASAP
214 Thanks for the in depth criticism! And yeah, the whole pompous writing style was deliberate in establishing Twinkle's personality - I've always found flawed and unlikeable narrators the more fun :P The next chapter will be written slightly more objectively, as it'll mostly be an account of the Princess' tale (albeit through the eyes of Twinkle). Thanks again!
I noticed you never mentioned the Princess's name. Does this mean it's a different name? Like maybe...TWILIGHT? Is she the princess or is it still Celestia?
This was really cool though. Very nice.
I like the high level of grammer used! Very nice and can't wait for next, ^^
After reading the reviews thus far, I'm glad to see that the overly grandiose diction was something you chose to do rather than your usual mode of writing. Still rubbed me the wrong way, but only when the Princess was speaking. It just felt so out of character... but then, that's the fun of an unreliable, flawed narrator.
Knowing what I do now, I look forward to more.
I
This series!
MAKE MOAR NAO!
img.chan4chan.com/img/2009-07-10/1247256377847.jpg
25531 Huh, I totally noticed that too! Funny, that.
28440 Yeah, grammar is totally my strong point, let's just hope that the storytelling will match it :P
30556 Yep, don't worry too much about the diction, as you figured out, it's only being used to suit the character. As for the Princess acting out of character...you appear to be assuming something about the identity of the Princess... but yeah, the anon. Princess' dialogue is being somewhat formalised by Twinkle.
47076 Wouldn't call it a series quite yet...but hopefully it'll evolve into more than a prologue sometime in the not-so-distant future
47076 Yes sir/ma'am! Please don't hurt me, sir/ma'am! I'll do my very bestest sir/ma'am!
Yeah, thanks for the comments guys, I'm going to try use these as a basis to work my way out of writer's block. To cut a long story short, I'm trying to work out a few niggles in the overall plotline and encorporate the bright humor of the show with the serious motif of the story.
47185
Don't worry, I won't hurt you.
That would get in the way of you doing the story.
WRITE MOAR!
I now want to know why the Elements of Harmony are hated.
Please, may I have moar?
287
How long is five days now?
This was great~ ^^
Great start!
Looking forward for the next chapter :)
Please write more! or else Flutter will
PLEASE! MUST HAZ MOAR
4186 Indeed... please explain ohwriter of the ancient story
5140006 This story is years old. I don't think there is a next chapter.
5394902 I am fairly sure that this is in fact the very first story ever completed on fimfiction. Ironically its not necassarily complete but simply the first published story. It will unfortunately most likely never be completed despite its status as practically being a relic of fimfiction, the first story.
1980784 About 179 weeks more than that.