A Twist In Ponyville

by Licorice Twist

Chapter 1 -- With a Dash and a Twist...

Ponyville....he couldn't believe it. PONYVILLE?!?! Practically a little backwater, podunk town....outside of the fact the fillies who caused the Elements of Harmony to resurface lived there, what was so important there? Licorice Twist sighed to himself as he made his way back to the quarters he'd enjoyed as head of his own regiment of Pegasi, though he didn't really have much to pack. Maybe the Elements of Harmony had something to do with it? But...they were kept in Canterlot. He knew the princess had them protected in the city, and those fillies hadn't even been able to get to them in time. To get to them in time....perhaps that was it!

Yes, that had to be it. He was being sent to Ponyville in case the Changelings did come back. And if they arrived in Ponyville first, he would provide a line of defense in order for the fillies to return to Canterlot and get to the Elements of Harmony. That simply HAD to be it. He could think of no other plausible reason. He knew a little bit about the ponies that embodied the Elements of Harmony. They had saved Princess Luna and had defeated Discord, so he'd made sure to learn a bit about them. He was sure he'd come across them at some point, but that didn't really concern him.

Once he'd arrived in his room, he'd paused to take a look at himself in the mirror. His pink and purple hair was longer on the left side than on the right, cut into sharp angles. His fur was so black it almost glistened, with pink swirl patterns that occurred naturally over the fur. His coloring had caused him a lot of grief in childhood, and sometimes even now. He was the odd pony out, he knew, and coupled with being an Pegacorn, it set him apart. He always felt the need to push himself harder, train extra long, just to prove himself. He didn't rely on magic. He used it, yes, but didn't depend on it or use it as often as Unicorns. He regiment had come to look at him as a Pegasus, albeit a rather unfriendly one too engrossed in his duties.

He did use his magic to dress, however, watching in the mirror as his black and purple chest guard opened and latched around him, the purple wing blades and guards settling into place over his wings. He used his hooves to put on the face plate carefully, He carefully stepped into his armored boots one hoof at a time, and stopped to look at himself in the mirror, nodding in satisfaction. This was all he needed to take with him. He had no mementos. The room was barren of anything personal, it was very...military. Just like he had wanted it. No distractions. With a soft sigh, Licorice Twist turned and made his way out of the castle, giving brief nods to guardponies as he passed.

Once outside he spread his wings and took to the air. Why take the train when he could fly, after all? It gave him a chance to get a bird's-eye view of the land, having never been down in the area of Ponyville. It wasn't a quick flight to Ponyville, either, so it gave him some time to think. He knew a little about the area. The Everfree forest had monsters in it and had never really been fully explored due to the dangers. He knew of a nearby swamp that had a supposed Hydra sighting.

Ponyville was home to Sweet Apple Acres, and he heard amazing things about their cider and apples. He recalled Soarin' raving about the pie he had bought during the Grand Galloping Gala, which had been sold to him by Applejack. Which lead him to the Element of Honesty herself. He figured she had to be honest, of course. That was a given. Friend with the other Elements, strong, a hard worker. He recalled Princess Celestia mentioning something about a heavy competitive streak, referring to some incident during the Running of the Leaves. Castle life...it was quite hard to keep a secret, really. Apparently she had been in heavy competition with Rainbow Dash.

Which brought his thoughts to the Element of Loyalty, the colorfully-maned cyan pony herself, Rainbow Dash. A hearty flyer, apparently Ponyville's top weather pony. Whispered words around the Gala spoke of how hard she seemed to be trying to impress the Wonderbolts, which made a bit of sense. A lot of Pegasi were in awe of the elite group of flyers. Though really, he was a bit surprised they hadn't invited her to the group yet. She had pulled off two Sonic Rainbooms and supposedly had done a third in her youth. She was a bit brash. Would do almost anything it took to win,from what he heard about the prior contest that caused the heavy competition in the Running of the Leaves in the first place. He figured Applejack and Rainbow Dash to be the strongest ponies of the group. And Rainbow Dash was one of two Pegasi that made up the Elements.

The other Pegasi was the Element of Kindness, Fluttershy. To be honest, he hadn't heard much about this particular pony. Apparently she was incredibly shy and wasn't fond of the limelight. There was that one period of time when Photo Finish was obsessed with her, of course. But even he could see she wasn't exactly fond of all the flashes and attention. The poor pony had nearly crawled into her own skin. It was also hard to believe that she was the raving lunatic pony that scared all the animals in the Royal Gardens, but he'd overheard Dirty Hoe and Fluffy Snatcher, two ponies who worked the Gardens, describe her perfectly. Apparently not being able to get those animals to like her had gotten to her. Perhaps Photo Finish had started her cracking, who knew. Apparently she spent a lot of time with Rarity.

The Element of Generosity had been taken in by many of the socialites during one of her stays in Canterlot, he remembered, and was the second Unicorn in the group. He remembered a lot of the upper class ponies talking after Rarity had admitted that the others were her friends, and how one of the biggest Socialites, Fancypants, had stood up for her and accepted her for who she was, and not the big upper class pony she had passed herself to be. She could perhaps be described as misguided, but sweet. She did have popular fashions. She ran her own shop in Ponyville. Another pony helped to run a shop in Ponyville too, he knew...

Pinkie Pie! That was her name. The Element of Laughter. Bright pink, fluffy-maned pony. Thank Celestia he wasn't pink all over like her. Oh, with her, it was fine. But he was a colt! It was bad enough having so much pink on him. As a very young colt, it was even worse, he remembered. Since the only known Alicorns were female, everypony assumed he was a filly, even in school! The horror. And he wasn't even an Alicorn! He could only wish to be like Celestia or Luna. He shook his head as he flew, pushing the thoughts away so he could concentrate on remembering what he knew on Pinkie Pie. A very...energetic...pony. He heard heard so much about her attempts at the Gala to get people to dance. It had almost made HIM laugh. And she had rid Ponyville of the parasprites. He remembered Celestia talking about it, having thought it was a parade...until she'd gone to Fillydelphia and seen the infestation herself. Those things had driven both her and Princess Luna almost nuts until finally Celestia had apparently gone back and gotten Pinkie Pie's help.

Finally, there was Celestia's student, Twilight Sparkle. Element of Magic. He knew...actually, he knew a lot about Twilight Sparkle. The Princesses talked of her often. Plus, she had lived in Canterlot for a time, and of course, he knew Shining Armor. Not on a personal level, of course. He didn't know anypony on a personal level anymore. Did he even have a personal level anymore? He shook his head to push that thought out of his head as well. Back to Twilight. She had saved the town from an Ursa Minor, an impressive feat. She had gone bonkers and made Ponyville fight over a stuffed animal. What if the spell had worked on Celestia? And then Luna? Equestria Civil War over a stuffed toy...even HE could have ended up fighting for the thing! He shuddered at the thought. That was enough thinking of Twilight for now.

Ponyville was just coming in to view now as it was, and he began angling in for his descent, slowing down and making sure he would settle along the outskirts of town. He figured a dark, armor-clad pony--even one rather generously splashed with pink--wouldn't go over too well. He was sure the news of the Changeling attack had been spread over Ponyville. He touched down on the road leading into Ponyville in the direction of Canterlot, ruffling his feathers before settling his wings down, taking the time to look around town. He noticed a multicolored blur of movement, but it was gone when he glanced towards it. Then he noticed it again from the other direction, but he missed it.

"WHO THE HAY ARE YOU!?"

And suddenly there was a cyan pony over his head. His tail jerked and nearly snapped parallel to the ground before he fought down the instinct, turning to narrow his eyes at the hovering pony. He'd never been startled like that in his LIFE! He was happy he'd been trained so well to keep stoic, but goodness. He took a few steps back so the other pony wasn't practically right over his head and frowned. Rainbow Dash. Of course.

Rainbow Dash landed in front of the other pony, her wings spread out and crouched down in a menacing pose, glaring at the dark-armored pony in front of her. She hoofed at the ground threateningly, her eyes locked on this new pony.

"I bet you're a CHANGELING!"

"Oh, of all the....do I LOOK like a Changeling?"

"They can look like anypony!"

Licorice Twist opened and shut his mouth and stomped the ground lightly with one hoof. His feathers ruffled in annoyance, as he was holding back from moving in a stance equal to Rainbow Dash's. The last thing he wanted to do was get into a fight on his arrival. He'd be discharged before he could blink.

"So that means YOU could be a Changeling!" He nodded, happy with that response.

Rainbow blinked and straightened up, frowning.

"I'm no Changeling! I'm Rainbow Dash!"

"I know who you are."

"How?!" That immediately put her on the defensive again, glaring.

"Oh, for....everypony knows who the ponies who embody the Elements of Harmony are!"

"Oh...oh, right! I'm a hero." Rainbow Dash posed proudly, grinning fiercely. "Rainbow Dash, protector of Ponyville!"

"Right..." Licorice Twist just stared at her. Seriously? He cleared his throat. "I'm Licorice Twist. I've been sent here from Canterlot to help protect Ponyville in case the Changelings decide to come back."

"Why? Ponyville's got ME! And..er, you know. The rest of my friends." She grinned sheepishly.

If it hadn't been so utterly against his training, Licorice Twist would have face-hoofed right there. Instead he simply frowned at the brash pony before him. Oh, he really did want to tell her to have at it, turn around, and leave. Ponyville was one of the last places he wanted to be. But he had his orders, and he could not disobey. He was about to open his mouth...

"I KNOW!" Rainbow Dash jumped into the air, her wings flapping as she did a back flip, landing with one hoof raised. "We'll RACE! Winner is protector of Ponyville! And I'M gonna win!"

His jaw simply dropped as he stared at her. Was she serious? Oh shit. She was serious. She stood there, giving him this huge grin, blinking at him, waiting. She was really, really serious. What the hay was he gonna do? Fly back to Canterlot, say "Sorry Princess, Rainbow Dash beat me in a race and sent me home?" He couldn't win against Rainbow Dash in a fair race. She was too fast. He chewed his bottom lip, thinking. He couldn't beat her.....in a fair race! That was it. Oh shit, she was going to hate his guts. Oh well...he had to carry out his assignment, no matter the cost!

"Fine....to where?"

"Uhm...." Rainbow Dash looked around and then pointed to one of the only clouds in the sky. "There!"

"Ok. Count of three, then. Ready?"

Rainbow Dash nodded and crouched down, wings at ready. He did the same and stared at the cloud. He began to count down. His horn began to glow at the count of two, and at the count of three he took off. Rainbow Dash would have been right behind him--or, really...far ahead of him--if he hadn't magicked her hooves to the ground. He let the spell go seconds before he reached the cloud. And she STILL almost beat him.

"YOU CHEATER!" Rainbow Dash was seething mad, advancing on Licorice Twist as the two stood on the cloud.

"Didn't cheat!" he said, standing his ground. Oh, she was mad.

"Did too! You used magic!"

"Never said you couldn't!"

Her jaw dropped and she glared at him, hoofing at the cloud in anger. "Rematch!"

"No."

Rainbow practically growled and spread her wings out. "Listen here, pinkie..."

"YOU listen!" His nostrils flared at the pinkie comment and he marched towards her. "I was sent here to do a DUTY! I'm pretty sure I like it even LESS than you do! I didn't have any choice in the matter, ok? So I'm here. So I COULDN'T let you win. I HAD to win. Because I can't just TROT back to Canterlot and tell Princess Celestia that I can't stay in Ponyville because YOU beat me in a stupid race!"

Rainbow Dash stared at him, eyes widening. She was furious and hurt.

"Ponyville doesn't need some stinkin' bright pink pony who thinks they're better than everypony else to protect them! Especially a CHEATER!" And with that, Rainbow Dash turned and zoomed away, leaving a brightly colored trail behind her.

"I'm not...!" but she was gone, and he dropped down onto the cloud and actually did face-hoof this time. "Oh, this is going just SO WELL...."

Comments

[Licorice Twist]

887416
See, this is informative, the only problem is you give no source. I've looked for references to Alicorns, or "Pegasus Unicorns" as they can be called in direct relation to MLP, but far as I've found there''s no history on them.

887450
As for this...I've seen your comments on other stories, or to other comments. You start off with making your own arrogant comment pertaining to the story you refuse to read, drawing assumptions and moving to insulting. So again, just stirring the pot.

[Licorice Twist]

887545
So I'll grant you some advice... if you want to go this route, try a pegacorn, and make it a distinction early on that it's like, some sort of genetic mutation. Just a winged unicorn, not as good a flyer as a decent pegasus, not as good with what little magic most unicorns have as a decent unicorn.

See, THIS is something you could have said right off the bat. THIS is constructive enough for me to work with and do something with, so really, thank you for this.

[Thorax]

I can see this getting a lot of flake, as this breaks many of the "standards" set by the fanbase

Rule #1
If it's an Alicorn it better have a damn good reason for being one.

Rule #2
Never ship an OC with the mane cast

Rule #3 If you have to do a self insert (Your OC or Yourself) you better be well prepared to take the flake that comes along with doing it.

Rule #4 First impressions are everything, when someone's about to read a story and they realize the authors image is of the main character. They better be either appealing or artistic
-Black is a big no, everyone and their dog has a Black character "Because it makes them look cool" no it doesn't it makes them look bland and depressing
-Black and Red, I'll cut someone if I see another generic Black and Red OC
-Extremely random or obnoxious color schemes should be avoided, they're not appealing to anyone but the creator and leave a bad taste when trying to visualize a story.

Now I'm not saying you broke all of these rules, but you broke quite a few.

[Licorice Twist]

887581
Alicorn I'll take the hit on.

He's gay, so rule 2 is easy to avoid.

Three, when I hear self inserts I think people making themselves ponies and throwing them in. That's not what I'm after here.

As for four, the funny answer is maybe people are trying to fill the status quo/token characters. >_> The real answer is I wanted to avoid a white Alicorn and other colors were a bit too off. And I just like black and pink. And it gives people something to make fun of.

Thanks for the feedback, though.

[Aurora Dimmet]

887553

You're thinking of someone else. I've done that maybe twice in all my time here. The only other time I say anything but praises or constructive criticism deep into a story I'm reading like it's crack, is when I'm defending authors who are being attacked by trolls. After having read their stories and finding out if the trolls have valid or invalid points. I don't mind someone being a bit coarse, I'm not exactly the softest person myself, but downright assault is just so damn banal.

In any case, I've given you all the advice I can based on this. I hope it can be of some use. Either in helping you understand why people are being the way they are, or helping you in rectifying it before the damage becomes permanent. If you update this away from what it looks like (again, subjective since I can't tell what you have planned), or write another story, I think I'll give it a whirl.

[Thorax]

887615
No problem, sorry if I come off as rude on the last point.
It's 3am and I'm tired like hell.

[Licorice Twist]

887610

Well, thankfully to myself, once I did notice the heat Alicorns got he's the only Alicorn OC I've made, and don't plan on any others. But as he's "established" so to speak in my head, I decided at least I'll get a bit of his story out and be done.

To address your points, I'll start with the time distortion. I didn't mean to imply the battle went on into the night, but the aftermath. The word I'm looking for is slipping my mind at the moment. But as the episode had to have skipped over a period of time in order for the mane 6 to go through the wedding preparations again--all the baking, reception setting, etc--I had meant to show what wasn't seen, the clean up of the town and tending to the injured.

To the protection of the family, I figured other guards had done just as well, but didn't go into detail since LT is the focus. Hindsight, I probably should have gone into other situations as well so it didn't look like that. I was mainly looking at it as an adrenaline situation, pushed to do it because if he failed it wasn't just him who would pay the price.

A lot of this is a hindsight issue. I started his story later into his life rather than earlier. So if anything, his past will have to be interspersed through future chapters. Working on it though.

Thank you for the constructive feedback!

[Licorice Twist]

887624

No, it's cool. I know the feeling, a lot the issues in my stories also arise because I write them at 3am on a deadline. >___> And I can see how his coloring can be a little obnoxious, but I figured it's something to have him knocked on for in the story. <_<

[Licorice Twist]

887621
Well, rectifying it will take some work that it is way too late for. I can work with the Pegacorn idea I believe, it makes more sense since I wasn't looking for a god-like character. He's not supposed to have the same super-powerful magic as Celestia and Luna. So I really am sincere in the thanks for that idea.

If any 'damage' is done I hope it's at least against LT and not me as a writer, I do already have other stories on my page and am planning more without OCs.

Oh, the messes I get myself in!

[Dr. Fumbles]

887314 You're right, and I'm sorry. I should not have judged your story before reading it. So, I took the time to do so, and I'm afraid my opinion is not too different from before, though I do have some good things to say. Your spelling and grammar are really quite good, showing that you are capable of writing at least. But I'm afraid that does not mean much, since it is the story itself and the characters that truly matter. I have only read the prologue so far, so I cannot judge you on story. Unfortunately, it does not show too much promise, since this very well could turn into "Look how awesome my OC is, he kicks ass!!!" but again, it was just the prologue, so I will hold out on a proper opinion until I've read the first chapter. But sadly, the most condemning quality is the OC himself. You made him an Alicorn, and that cannot go unpunished, nor overlooked (not by me, I'm fairly lenient, but most people are sick and tired of this trend.)

The only thing that I can kinda give props to is the fact he's gay, and that's just because it's different. I can't stand gay female characters. It's overused, stupid, contrived and just insulting, yet it continues to persist. 90% of OC's are female, unicorn, and gay. But at least you made a gay male, so kudos (not that this sort of thing interests me, I just like variety... but not in real life, of course... ) Anything else I would have to say on the matter would just be rehashing what Aurora Dimmet said. Btw, I consider Tia and Luna to be Alicorns, of course, and Cadance to be a Pegacorn. In my opinion, Alicorns are beings with immense power, often with some control over a domain, such as the sun or moon, and can live for thousands of years, or possibly eternity, while Pegacorns are just ponies that have been gifted with both wings and a horn. They have no real upper hand on any other pony, and can easily be defeated by anyone with a special talent in whatever they were competing with, such as Twilight owning them with magic under any circumstance, or Dash always being faster. They also live for the same amount of years as any other pony. You could use these rules if you like, possibly with a few tweaks of your own, and make more likeable, gifted OC's that aren't as OP.

...

Now, I still have yet to rate your story, and I'm not done yet. I'll read Ch 1 tomorrow morning and see where it goes from there.

[Licorice Twist]

887721

I think in Pony canon she is considered an Alicorn, not sure. Won't say I didn't find it odd that suddenly there's another Alicorn, which almost has me better we may start seeing more in Season 3, but who knows.

Like you said, anything you may have to say outside of what you have is rehash, I'll also have to respond that anything I may have to say would be rehashing as well, as I've pretty much responded to most points regarding the issue.

Since Aurora pointed out the Pegacorn option and ways it could happen, and with your bit of insight on it as well, I can twist it back away from the Alicorn classification, because I'm not after a God.

[Licorice Twist]

887610 887721

I've made the initial changes to incorporate your suggestions. Thank you again. No hard feelings I hope!

Since I knew I'd just toss and turn if I didn't up and at least start making the changes now. ^.^;

[PsyGoth]

Hey bro,
I have not ready your story yet, but I want to say something about the protagonist. You mentioned he is a specialist in wing blades? I just wanted to point out that in the show all the soldiers use standard armaments which seem to mostly be polaxes of one form or another. I assume, to have that "I'm a guard aww yeeeah" effect. So yes, the notion of allowing a pegacorn to be special and singled out even in this small way is throwing up little red flags.
And black with neon pink, no dude. Please, I implore you to reconsider his color scheme as a black coated OC is designed to be an attention hog. Have you SEEN any black colored ponies in the show? Even nightmare moon was a navy blue. I can't believe I am saying no to black, what kind of Goth have I become!? lol I kid on the kid, but seriously dude, it is my completely unprofessional opinion that you need to make some changes to your literary brain child.
On a closing note, I apologize for my atrocious grammar but I am a musician and not a writer lol
_Pipe out

[mechafone]

Wow, a lot of flack here. Unfortunately, I'm getting here after the edit, so I have nothing to compare with. But so far, Licorice, I like what I'm reading. Don't worry about the whole dark-colored pony argument (I like my ponies darker anyway :3) It's what you want to make of it. It's your story, and it's your character. I think he's unique.
Candy-maker to soldier is a little weird for me, but it is a unique concept.
Your writing and paragraph structure is really great!
So anyway, I'll be keeping my eye on this one :)

[Licorice Twist]

887885
To the blades, I figure it as we haven't seen every guard in the show, and he's not the only one. I would see it more as a pegasus specialized weapon as opposed to a one pony specialized weapon. A lot easier for flying tactics than something cumbersome like a pole-arm.

[PsyGoth]

888951
We've never really seen the guards do combat, being a kid's show and all. The guards who attacked Nightmare Moon were all Pegasi and the were unarmed.
As for wingblades being a Pesagi unique weapon... there is a flaw. I assume you mean for there to be a blade running along the wingspan right? Well this would be an unwieldy weapon for Pegasi since it would hinder their flight capabilities. Also it means getting their wings close to the cutting edge of an enemy weapon (which would be very very stupid for anypony).
If anything, the only specific exception there might be for Pegasus soldiers would be wing armor. The same may hold true for Unicorns and modified helmets.
I personally think Pegasi would be best suited for archery, Earth ponies with spears, mauls, and axes (since they wouldn't have to hold those by mouth), and Unicorns with swords.
Also I did read your fic and is Twist one of those "emotionless" anime type characters?

[John Bon Pony]

I have to admit, "Pegacorn" sounds like a cheap, re-branding to skirt around the disdain for Alicorn OC's. However, I will keep an open mind while I read this, then give full feedback when I'm done.

BTW, does the word "Pegacorn" make anyone else really hungry for, well, corn? I'm starving now.

[Licorice Twist]

889555

It was suggested from other comments. I saw comments like this coming, to be honest. But I'm used to blind hatred, I'm gay after all. :x

[John Bon Pony]

889650 It's not blind hatred, its just that a lot of Alicorn ship fics come through here that are really... well, bad. Everyone has kind of been turned off from the idea of Alicorn OC's, but that doesn't mean that there are/will be no good ones.

[Licorice Twist]

889957
Definitely not looking to write a ship fic for this one. My ship fics tend to stick to AppleDash. Gay man with a yuri OTP. I'm still trying to figure THAT one out....

[John Bon Pony]

890075 Also, and this is purely your choice, I would tone down your oc pic. It's got A LOT going on and it looks very noisy.

[Licorice Twist]

891199
Yeah, that's what happens first time experimenting with Pony Maker I suppose. >_> I'll probably get around to doing a non-armored version soon. ^.^

[mechafone]

Needs moar updates!