This is the story of Licorice Twist, a Pegacorn from Fillydelphia who found his place in Canterlot's Royal Guard. Born to Fillydelphias' candy makers, Taffy Twist, a male Unicorn,and Mint Twist, a female Pegasus, he ended up being born with a rarely seen mutation, causing him to be born with both a horn and wings. He knew candy-making wasn't for him, however, and soon sought out to find his destiny as a fighter, specializing in wing blades. He made his way to Canterlot and trained hard, making it into the Royal Guard.
His story begins after the Changelings tried to take over Canterlot.
Edit: Thanks to Aurora Dimmet and Dr. Fumbles for the suggestion of and their views and differences of Pegacorn vs. an Alicorn, as a Pegacorn works much better for my vision. Initial changes are being made, so please bare with me! Thank you. ^.^
An alicorn. A terrestrial deity, from Fillydelphia. In the guard, and Ponyville. This smells of alicorn-OC, and not in the humorous parody way. Someone read it and leave a comment for the rest of us to know by.
887203
Or you could read it for yourself and see, but as I've seen you around and know your type, you simply like to go around and act some sort of superior and cause trouble. Such wonders we have in the brony community.
Better than I thought it would be. Grammar's well done, storyline isn't completely cut and paste, and the alicorn isn't the overpowered OC most writers make them to be, although it would make more sense to just make him a unicorn. Could use a bit more content, but so far it's a fairly good beginning.
Looking forward to seeing where it goes.
887269
Honestly, he was made before I realized this loving and tolerating fanbase had an unbiased and somewhat ridiculous hatred towards Alicorn characters. I made him more for looks than anything, He's not meant to be powerful, that's no fun. What's the point if you can just point and zap? There goes the whole story.
Your OC reeks of Mary Sue. Alicorn, royal guard, fighting with "wing blades", alicorn, adopted with no known biological parents, alicorn, friends with both Celestia and Luna from the beginning, alicorn, travels a lot, alicorn, already assumed to be a master fighter, alicorn, alicorn, and most importantly... HE'S A FUCKING ALICORN!!! Sorry, but no. Just because I'm kind, I will not down vote your story, but that does not mean I shouldn't. Never, EVER, make your OC an alicorn, unless you have a damn good reason for it, and that is pretty much never. Not trying to be mean, but you really should know this by now from the towering pile of dead alicorn OC's that never saw the light of day.
887300
Obviously you didn't read any of it, because he's not friends with the Princesses at all, he just serves them. He also does not travel a lot. So...you made a lot of assumptions here, which show you didn't even bother to read the story, which means, yes, you're trying to be 'mean'. Because you're doing an awful lot of assuming.
The story is good. But heres the thing no alicorn can not be male unless its in "On a cross and arrow", and the alicorn must be royalty, and they would not be a part of the royal guard. The story is a good one the only downfall is the main character.
887269
Ignoring Twist's arrogant and boorish response, acting as if he's somehow clairvoyant enough to know me...
Thank you ImaCloset, your post was informative and just what I was looking for. If the alicorn OC is well done and not yet another Gary Stu as the other thousand we have to deal with, then I will give this a read and see if I like the story. Onward, to the reading!
887282
It's not ridiculous. If you made him before you realized that you must be pretty new. EVERY friggin' twelve to fifteen year old who thinks having a godling for a character is 'cool' has made alicorn OCs and those with access to document programs have thrown them at us relentlessly, screeching at us to accept their mary sues. So I'll grant you some advice... if you want to go this route, try a pegacorn, and make it a distinction early on that it's like, some sort of genetic mutation. Just a winged unicorn, not as good a flyer as a decent pegasus, not as good with what little magic most unicorns have as a decent unicorn.
Plenty of material there that people love. An aberration, outsider mistrusted and looked down upon trying to make his place in the world with the strength of his heart and back, overcoming the odds and social pains. If you make yourself an alicorn, no one's going to take you seriously off the bat, even if you write an awesome story. Look at Past Sins. Fantastic story, but one of the most controversial in the fandom, because half of the readers hate the iteration of Nightmare Moon as a separate entity for being admittedly a Mary Sue. You are facing monumental hatred because we have to deal with "lol my alicorn raises sun and moon so princess can take a break and twilight sparkle is my waifu" no less than thirty times EVERY DAY.
So, not ridiculous, and you will be downrated unfairly before anyone reads the story. Flying in the face of that, that's something you have to be prepared for, instead of implying everyone else is wrong for not immediately accepting your OC or giving it a chance. People are so bad with OCs that many readers hate OCs altogether, especially stories centered on them. Now, I'm not trying to be insulting, but I am trying to be illuminating. These are things you are going to have to understand due to your decision.
887416
See, this is informative, the only problem is you give no source. I've looked for references to Alicorns, or "Pegasus Unicorns" as they can be called in direct relation to MLP, but far as I've found there''s no history on them.
887450
As for this...I've seen your comments on other stories, or to other comments. You start off with making your own arrogant comment pertaining to the story you refuse to read, drawing assumptions and moving to insulting. So again, just stirring the pot.
887545
So I'll grant you some advice... if you want to go this route, try a pegacorn, and make it a distinction early on that it's like, some sort of genetic mutation. Just a winged unicorn, not as good a flyer as a decent pegasus, not as good with what little magic most unicorns have as a decent unicorn.
See, THIS is something you could have said right off the bat. THIS is constructive enough for me to work with and do something with, so really, thank you for this.
I can see this getting a lot of flake, as this breaks many of the "standards" set by the fanbase
Rule #1
If it's an Alicorn it better have a damn good reason for being one.
Rule #2
Never ship an OC with the mane cast
Rule #3 If you have to do a self insert (Your OC or Yourself) you better be well prepared to take the flake that comes along with doing it.
Rule #4 First impressions are everything, when someone's about to read a story and they realize the authors image is of the main character. They better be either appealing or artistic
-Black is a big no, everyone and their dog has a Black character "Because it makes them look cool" no it doesn't it makes them look bland and depressing
-Black and Red, I'll cut someone if I see another generic Black and Red OC
-Extremely random or obnoxious color schemes should be avoided, they're not appealing to anyone but the creator and leave a bad taste when trying to visualize a story.
Now I'm not saying you broke all of these rules, but you broke quite a few.
887314
Now, all of this said and done, and I've read your chapter completely. Being noticed immediately, kind of a no-no. You put time distortion on the Canterlot battle, which did not last into the night. You still have your alicorn stronger than any other guard, what you described he did for that family of ponies was extremely mentally, physically, emotionally, and magically taxing. Something a regular guard would not have been able to handle. If you -must- be an alicorn, you want to start like a fledgling, and work your way up into being a bit better than the rest, not... start out that way.
All of that aside though, your writing style is not unattractive, you just made a widely unpopular decision with your OC that will have most people regarding you as the same as any of the squalid children begging for attention to their alicorn OC with a story that makes them out to be just so badass and heroic. It's unfair to you, yes, but it's the reality you've chosen to put yourself into. You're either going to have to make one supremely amazing story that will spread by word of mouth to the naysayers who didn't want to read in order to get the recognition you might be looking for... or I might suggest anything but an alicorn as the main character.
887581
Alicorn I'll take the hit on.
He's gay, so rule 2 is easy to avoid.
Three, when I hear self inserts I think people making themselves ponies and throwing them in. That's not what I'm after here.
As for four, the funny answer is maybe people are trying to fill the status quo/token characters. >_> The real answer is I wanted to avoid a white Alicorn and other colors were a bit too off. And I just like black and pink. And it gives people something to make fun of.
Thanks for the feedback, though.
887553
You're thinking of someone else. I've done that maybe twice in all my time here. The only other time I say anything but praises or constructive criticism deep into a story I'm reading like it's crack, is when I'm defending authors who are being attacked by trolls. After having read their stories and finding out if the trolls have valid or invalid points. I don't mind someone being a bit coarse, I'm not exactly the softest person myself, but downright assault is just so damn banal.
In any case, I've given you all the advice I can based on this. I hope it can be of some use. Either in helping you understand why people are being the way they are, or helping you in rectifying it before the damage becomes permanent. If you update this away from what it looks like (again, subjective since I can't tell what you have planned), or write another story, I think I'll give it a whirl.
887615
No problem, sorry if I come off as rude on the last point.
It's 3am and I'm tired like hell.
887610
Well, thankfully to myself, once I did notice the heat Alicorns got he's the only Alicorn OC I've made, and don't plan on any others. But as he's "established" so to speak in my head, I decided at least I'll get a bit of his story out and be done.
To address your points, I'll start with the time distortion. I didn't mean to imply the battle went on into the night, but the aftermath. The word I'm looking for is slipping my mind at the moment. But as the episode had to have skipped over a period of time in order for the mane 6 to go through the wedding preparations again--all the baking, reception setting, etc--I had meant to show what wasn't seen, the clean up of the town and tending to the injured.
To the protection of the family, I figured other guards had done just as well, but didn't go into detail since LT is the focus. Hindsight, I probably should have gone into other situations as well so it didn't look like that. I was mainly looking at it as an adrenaline situation, pushed to do it because if he failed it wasn't just him who would pay the price.
A lot of this is a hindsight issue. I started his story later into his life rather than earlier. So if anything, his past will have to be interspersed through future chapters. Working on it though.
Thank you for the constructive feedback!
887624
No, it's cool. I know the feeling, a lot the issues in my stories also arise because I write them at 3am on a deadline. >___> And I can see how his coloring can be a little obnoxious, but I figured it's something to have him knocked on for in the story. <_<
887621
Well, rectifying it will take some work that it is way too late for. I can work with the Pegacorn idea I believe, it makes more sense since I wasn't looking for a god-like character. He's not supposed to have the same super-powerful magic as Celestia and Luna. So I really am sincere in the thanks for that idea.
If any 'damage' is done I hope it's at least against LT and not me as a writer, I do already have other stories on my page and am planning more without OCs.
Oh, the messes I get myself in!
887314 You're right, and I'm sorry. I should not have judged your story before reading it. So, I took the time to do so, and I'm afraid my opinion is not too different from before, though I do have some good things to say. Your spelling and grammar are really quite good, showing that you are capable of writing at least. But I'm afraid that does not mean much, since it is the story itself and the characters that truly matter. I have only read the prologue so far, so I cannot judge you on story. Unfortunately, it does not show too much promise, since this very well could turn into "Look how awesome my OC is, he kicks ass!!!" but again, it was just the prologue, so I will hold out on a proper opinion until I've read the first chapter. But sadly, the most condemning quality is the OC himself. You made him an Alicorn, and that cannot go unpunished, nor overlooked (not by me, I'm fairly lenient, but most people are sick and tired of this trend.)
The only thing that I can kinda give props to is the fact he's gay, and that's just because it's different. I can't stand gay female characters. It's overused, stupid, contrived and just insulting, yet it continues to persist. 90% of OC's are female, unicorn, and gay. But at least you made a gay male, so kudos (not that this sort of thing interests me, I just like variety... but not in real life, of course...
) Anything else I would have to say on the matter would just be rehashing what Aurora Dimmet said. Btw, I consider Tia and Luna to be Alicorns, of course, and Cadance to be a Pegacorn. In my opinion, Alicorns are beings with immense power, often with some control over a domain, such as the sun or moon, and can live for thousands of years, or possibly eternity, while Pegacorns are just ponies that have been gifted with both wings and a horn. They have no real upper hand on any other pony, and can easily be defeated by anyone with a special talent in whatever they were competing with, such as Twilight owning them with magic under any circumstance, or Dash always being faster. They also live for the same amount of years as any other pony. You could use these rules if you like, possibly with a few tweaks of your own, and make more likeable, gifted OC's that aren't as OP.
...
Now, I still have yet to rate your story, and I'm not done yet. I'll read Ch 1 tomorrow morning and see where it goes from there.
887721
I think in Pony canon she is considered an Alicorn, not sure. Won't say I didn't find it odd that suddenly there's another Alicorn, which almost has me better we may start seeing more in Season 3, but who knows.
Like you said, anything you may have to say outside of what you have is rehash, I'll also have to respond that anything I may have to say would be rehashing as well, as I've pretty much responded to most points regarding the issue.
Since Aurora pointed out the Pegacorn option and ways it could happen, and with your bit of insight on it as well, I can twist it back away from the Alicorn classification, because I'm not after a God.
887610 887721
I've made the initial changes to incorporate your suggestions. Thank you again. No hard feelings I hope!
Since I knew I'd just toss and turn if I didn't up and at least start making the changes now. ^.^;
Hey bro,
I have not ready your story yet, but I want to say something about the protagonist. You mentioned he is a specialist in wing blades? I just wanted to point out that in the show all the soldiers use standard armaments which seem to mostly be polaxes of one form or another. I assume, to have that "I'm a guard aww yeeeah" effect. So yes, the notion of allowing a pegacorn to be special and singled out even in this small way is throwing up little red flags.
And black with neon pink, no dude. Please, I implore you to reconsider his color scheme as a black coated OC is designed to be an attention hog. Have you SEEN any black colored ponies in the show? Even nightmare moon was a navy blue. I can't believe I am saying no to black, what kind of Goth have I become!? lol I kid on the kid, but seriously dude, it is my completely unprofessional opinion that you need to make some changes to your literary brain child.
On a closing note, I apologize for my atrocious grammar but I am a musician and not a writer lol
_Pipe out
Wow, a lot of flack here. Unfortunately, I'm getting here after the edit, so I have nothing to compare with. But so far, Licorice, I like what I'm reading. Don't worry about the whole dark-colored pony argument (I like my ponies darker anyway :3) It's what you want to make of it. It's your story, and it's your character. I think he's unique.
Candy-maker to soldier is a little weird for me, but it is a unique concept.
Your writing and paragraph structure is really great!
So anyway, I'll be keeping my eye on this one :)
887885
To the blades, I figure it as we haven't seen every guard in the show, and he's not the only one. I would see it more as a pegasus specialized weapon as opposed to a one pony specialized weapon. A lot easier for flying tactics than something cumbersome like a pole-arm.
888951
We've never really seen the guards do combat, being a kid's show and all. The guards who attacked Nightmare Moon were all Pegasi and the were unarmed.
As for wingblades being a Pesagi unique weapon... there is a flaw. I assume you mean for there to be a blade running along the wingspan right? Well this would be an unwieldy weapon for Pegasi since it would hinder their flight capabilities. Also it means getting their wings close to the cutting edge of an enemy weapon (which would be very very stupid for anypony).
If anything, the only specific exception there might be for Pegasus soldiers would be wing armor. The same may hold true for Unicorns and modified helmets.
I personally think Pegasi would be best suited for archery, Earth ponies with spears, mauls, and axes (since they wouldn't have to hold those by mouth), and Unicorns with swords.
Also I did read your fic and is Twist one of those "emotionless" anime type characters?
I have to admit, "Pegacorn" sounds like a cheap, re-branding to skirt around the disdain for Alicorn OC's. However, I will keep an open mind while I read this, then give full feedback when I'm done.
BTW, does the word "Pegacorn" make anyone else really hungry for, well, corn? I'm starving now.
889555
It was suggested from other comments. I saw comments like this coming, to be honest. But I'm used to blind hatred, I'm gay after all. :x
889650 It's not blind hatred, its just that a lot of Alicorn ship fics come through here that are really... well, bad. Everyone has kind of been turned off from the idea of Alicorn OC's, but that doesn't mean that there are/will be no good ones.
889957
Definitely not looking to write a ship fic for this one. My ship fics tend to stick to AppleDash. Gay man with a yuri OTP. I'm still trying to figure THAT one out....
890075 Also, and this is purely your choice, I would tone down your oc pic. It's got A LOT going on and it looks very noisy.
891199
Yeah, that's what happens first time experimenting with Pony Maker I suppose. >_> I'll probably get around to doing a non-armored version soon. ^.^
Needs moar updates!