I blame the sandwich!

by Tedious_Blizzard

... Plans foiled?

Mystic and the group enacted their plan just a week later. Straight after work on the day the assassination was supposed to take place, Mystic headed over to the city central where Archduke Steel Horns was hosting a festival. The rest of the group were already at the festival making sure Mystic would have a clear line of sight and no problems assassinating Steel Horns. He walked for hours as the black and red locomotives was reserved for minotaurs only and he didn't have enough money for a ticket anyway. As the scenery changed from rustic and derelict to modern and spotless housing and streets, Mystic knew he was closer to where he had to be. The team agreed he would arrive at the festival when it is ending and he would be positioned near the bridge/edge of the market so when the Archduke comes about in his carridge he could kill him.

Kill... can I really do this? I know he made countless creature's lives terrible and spreads dispair by just breathing but I'm no murderer. I was brought up by a peaceful family, not a vengeful one.

Minutes passed with thoughts of murder but also hesitation, and the Archduke has still not shown up. The streets were relatively clear with not many creatures around.
Did I come too late or something?

With the fact that the Archduke wasn't nearby and his mind not entirely on board with the idea of murder, Mystic walked away towards the bustling market. He didn't drop his knife (given to him by Edge) though, there are many uses of a knife aside form assassination and he was poor enough to not have many utensils anyway.
Mystic signed in resignation that he couldn't complete his mission and would've dissapointed everyone. He wasn't that enthusiastic of this whole plan so it should've been a huge surprise.
One of the stands in the market were selling foods of all kinds, even a lone cheese and lettuce sandwich. For some reason, even though Mystic wasn't really that hungry, he trotted towards the stand with two bits that came out of nowhere ready to give to the stand owner.
"Hey, how much for that sandwhich?", drool was dripping out of his mouth now.
"Just two bits please", a young green-tinted griffoness with a smirk replied to the hungry pony.

With his sandwich between his teeth, Mystic trotted away. Suddenly though, Mystic's hungry vanished and looked at the half-eaten sandwich in a funny way. What is up with this sandwich? Suddenly I'm hungry then I'm not. Make up your mind!
" I shall do what I please"
Mystic jumped at the voice,but held the sandwich with a hoof firmly,"Who said that!"
"I did, you know the sandwich you were mutilating just a second ago?"
Looking down in horror at the sandwich, Mystic shrieked loudly,"EAHH!"
Half of the crowd in the market stared at the crazy stallion shouting at a sandwich in confusion and disgust.
"Well done you nummy, now we both look insane. Hey you might want to check in on the hospital by the way, you mouth is stuck open."
This was the most confusing and strange situation Mystic has probably ever been in, he didn't even know how to properly respond to a situation like this.
"Are you gonna kill the Archduke or what? I won't be fresh forever you know and I'll force you to close your mouth if you don't"
Promptly Mystic closed him mouth out of fear of the telepathic sandwich. A wild Archduke appears! Mystic blinked as he realised that the Archduke was in his carridge coming down the road slowly towards him.
Well, uhhh that was convenient. At least I still have my knife... wait a second, I wasn't in favour for killing the Archduke!
"Yeah well change of plans, your my pawn now and when you have finished your duty you will either be exicuted or suicide out of insanity, have a fun life!"

Mystic's limbs moved on their own and the sandwhich vanish into the air, but somehow Mystic still felt that strange presence in his mind. He mentally began to panic as the sandwich's words sunk in. His struggling was in vain however as he was still moving towards the slow-moving carridge and wasn't even able to scream. His consciousness faded and was replaced temporarily by evil.
"Great, full control now. I have a war to start.", Mystic's face contorted into a wide maniac smile as he bradished his knife-turned serrated dagger.
In a span of a few seconds, 'Mystic' leaped onto the open-top carridge and gouged the dagger into the Archduke's chest and gave back control over to Mystic which only had a second to realise he had regained his consciousness before ten guards tackled him and knocked him out.

Several months later, in a high security pony-prison, Mystic was in rusty chains dangling from the concave ceiling in a moulding and tiny stone cell. His days were spent like this, only coming down to eat some rotten apples and all the while mumbling incoherent words in an unknown langauge and sometimes the word 'sandwich' pops up....

With a smile Cherilee closed the dusty tome and looked over at her distraught and traumatized class of young children.
"Now wasn't that an informative and enlightening book on Equestria's first war?"

THE END

Author's Note:

Why did I even start this story

Comments

[Tedious_Blizzard]

8200145

Yay for my paint skills on windows

[EverfreePony]

Heh, Sarajevo-like assassination... I surely did expect that to be the main point of the story. Still, it works rather nicely Maybe if you tried to build the tension of Mystic's upcoming task a little bit, the random ending would be contrasting (and thus functioning) better.
However, there are some recurring issues weighing down the story. Albeit, they can be fixed easily.

First problem are the tenses. You are switching between past and present forms of verbs, most notably in the first chapter. The masked pony spoke, but Mystic sees something. That's quite jarring to read. You should choose only one form and keep it thorough the whole story.

Next problem are the classic mixed up words. Remember that it's is an abbreviation of it is. If you want to say that something belongs to it, then the right word to use is its.
From time to time, you also mix up your and you're, but given you use them in the right places thorough most of the story, I think you now your way around those. The last if the mix ups is your use of was and were. They are tied to singular and plural forms of words respectively. If there is one, it's was. Multiple subjects, it's were.

And now onto some curiousities... Let's start with numerals (3, 28, 15...) first. Those should not appear in the text unless you are referring to a year or some code. Another reason is that does attract the reader's subconscious attention for looking different than normal letters, thus they drag the reader away from the plot itself. All numbers should be thus written using words.
Another more uncommon issue is your use of brackets. They can easily appear in a textbook where certain level of bluntness and simplicity is required. This however is a piece of fiction. People read that with intention to feel like they were standing next to the character all the time to enjoy it to the fullest. That means, you should show us in how much of sorry state his garden is by letting him walk there, get dirty, do something etc. rather than just telling us 'It's mud garden'.

The last larger issue is your punctuation in direct speech. However, explanation of that one would probably double this comment in length easily and I'm not sure if I'm not torturing you with my words already. So, if you want to tackle explanation of that one or have any additional questions, feel free to do so through a PM.

Thank you for this story and have good luck in your writing!

[Tedious_Blizzard]

8318879

Thanks for the feedback. I knew I did a terrible job on this story and I knew I screwed it up on many places but I wanted to get the idea out of my head as quickly as possible. I was thinking of a rewrite as this story was not done to the best of my abilities. This story and the Johnny Bravo one will be rewritten but I have no idea when. I'm thankful that someone noticed this story was a bit sideways on the English. I am still learning English as it isn't my first language but I try. Thanks again, and you'll hopefully read the better version when I bother to write. I don't have much time on my hands so who knows when that will be.

[EverfreePony]

8319346
You're welcome.English isn't my first language either, but when you write and read a lot, you can get it in your veins eventually No matter when it will happen again, but good luck with your writing!