• Member Since 1st Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen 57 minutes ago

Admiral Biscuit


"This was quite well written, and the characters had a very natural feeling back and forth. Shame I didn't like it at all."

T
Source

You work as a shop assistant at a general store in Manehattan, stocking shelves and running the cash register and doing whatever else Jim Jam, your minotaur boss, needs you to do.

He's a pretty decent boss, and you get a discount on anything you buy in the shop. More importantly, the schedule is flexible, allowing you time to pursue your weekend passion: exploring ruins in search of ancient artifacts.


Written for Rare Story Prompts Contest #1

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 93 )

Anadolu or Galician or Manipuri

Anadolu?
I know where Galicia and Manipur are, but I don't know that one.

8895287
It's a breed of pony from Turkey.

Booby trap
That's the first thing I think of when I read that.

There are hoofprints in the dust,

Wasn't it the British Museum who sent the team?

8895321

Wasn't it the British Museum who sent the team?

The Bitish Museum.

I've seen the Monty Phyton's movie, I know how deadly rabbits are.

A fast trip because they only have 20 minutes of an episode instead of an hour an half of movie?

I thought Whistle stop would be after it because of the Rings Things Pyramid?

Defnitely go in for acrobatics. And Parkour.

And try and get some unicorns learning Mend? :twilightoops:

I'm always a sucker for a good Daring do. Neat, fast paced and interesting.
Good enough to make me forget that dumb 2nd person heresy in fact.


8895294
The first thing that popped up in google was a Turkish touring agency.

They need canvas and whitewash. Ok, it's an inside gag. Our adventuring group once had to build and defend a dungeon. Door? Expensive as heck. Trap doors for your pit trap? Even moreso. Rope, canvas and whitewash? Cheap. Snares, trip-ropes, secret doorways covered in canvas, arrow slits covered in canvas, and whitewash over everything to disguise it.

Disposable minions make the job of trap detection much easier. And it cuts down on retirement benefits.

Banana-because she's elongated and smooth compared to a pony?

You glance down the aisle to make sure that there weren't any customers looking

"It’s about time to open."

If they hadn't opened yet there wouldn't have been any customers to look.

8895339
They have big, sharp, pointy teeth.

8895296
I actually considered giving the chapter a different title, since I wanted to be classy and not make too many boob jokes.

Speaking of which, here's a picture of boobies! :derpytongue2:
static01.nyt.com/images/2017/03/07/science/07sci-boobies-social/07sci-boobies-social-facebookJumbo.jpg

8895398
That's actually pretty clever. If you can keep it pulled tight (or don't mind it looking like your dungeon is undergoing remodeling), it's affordable and you can hide all sorts of sins behind it. Heck, that's why theatre flats were canvas nearly forever (now they're mostly luan, since it's just as cheap, not much heavier, and slightly more stable).

In one of King's short stories, a guy disguises a trap with a giant piece of canvas painted to look like a road.

8895340
Acrobatics and parkour are skills that any adventurer needs.

In Pathfinder, one of my best characters ever (in terms of durability) was a monk with high ranks in acrobatics and tumble. We once cleared a dungeon by having my character go through, activate the traps, and then just jump out of the way . . . it was faster and had a better success rate than our rogue finding them.

He also had the feat 'throw anything,' which was a lot of fun in combat. I once tossed a halfling in that campaign . . . as a weapon.

8895356

I'm always a sucker for a good Daring do. Neat, fast paced and interesting.

:heart:

Good enough to make me forget that dumb 2nd person heresy in fact.

Well, I kinda had to do that for the contest. Even though first person was allowed, when it was first announced, it was second person or go home, and I figured that I ought to stick with that. At least prove that it can be done well if one tries.

8895401

Disposable minions make the job of trap detection much easier. And it cuts down on retirement benefits.

i.imgflip.com/uxyg5.jpg

8895565

If they hadn't opened yet there wouldn't have been any customers to look.

:twilightsheepish:
They could have been looking in through the front window? :rainbowlaugh:

Correction made, thank you!

8895468
I mean, yes, she is, and some of the ponies think that she's a monkey, but more in terms of the nickname for Hannah being Banana.

This was a fun little weekend adventure.

8895586

You need the feats Cut From The Air, Smash From The Air?

First one lets you deflect Arrows, the second, unlicked by getting the first, lest you deflect Magic Missile? But its level limited I think to Maud, L16 or something. :derpytongue2:

I would like to register a complaint with the management! This is actually the preantepenultimate chapter. :derpytongue2:

8895575
Is that how you call them? In french they're called "Fou" (crazy). Not much better.

“The Orrery of Antikythera—what do you know about it?”

“Never heard of it until now,” you admit.

I heard of the Antikythera mechanism! The author of one of my favourite webcomics wrote a book that revolved around whether it should exist or not :pinkiehappy:

“But I probably shouldn't push any buttons on it,” you say. “Got it. Any idea what it looks like?”

I'm guessing, like an orrery? :trollestia:

“What do you like to go by? Banana is just silly.”

“Usually just Hannah,” you tell her.

"...but you can call me Hannah Banana." :rainbowlaugh:

“Good thing that Nightmare Moon's been vanquished—that sounds just like the thing she'd’ve wanted to get her hooves on.”

Meanwhile, somewhere, nowhere, Discord is sitting in his floating fauteuil, and laughs until he falls out of it.

“Did I mention that the Andravidans are a New Lunar Republic cult?”

I never understood that idiocy. Sure, you can make the place a republic, but, by definition, those things have elected leaders. The very idea of "a republic led by Luna" makes no sense :facehoof:

“Opposable thumbs and a cutting wit.”

Also, general body flexibility, I guess, though Equestrian ponies might come close to that.

“I saw it done in a movie,” I told her. “And it worked out alright there. How long do you think we have until Dr. Caballeron gets out of the forest?”

A change in both tense and narrator? Whoops. :twilightblush:

Actually, this brings up something that bugs me about this fic, consistently, and it comes in the form of a question.

Why was this told in the 2nd person?

Lots of birds are chirping which is a good sign, and you don't hear distant drums.

No "Ka-Li-Ma! Ka-Li-Ma!" either :rainbowwild:

“Neither do I.” Daring tilts her head towards the temple. “But a mare’s gotta do what a mare’s gotta do. You coming?”


Remarks and Corrections:
> which could have driving right up to the doorstep.
I don't think that should be "driving".
> any more then ten seconds
any more [than] ten seconds

A fun, fast-paced adventure. Indeed, the jump cuts to ever more absurd temple defenses were some of my favorite parts. Thank you for a delightful read, and best of luck in the contest.

There was a tripwire—a little too obvious, in hindsight—but further on there was also a pressure plate.

That was on a delay, just long enough for you to realize that you'd tripped it, and to jump back and duck . . . before the floor fell out from under you.

Ohh. Very sneaky :pinkiegasp:

“Alligators,” Daring says. “Those are alligators.”

Gotta admire the kind of architecture that manages to create a spot down there that has remained attractive for alligators to hang around for thousands of years. They must've studied them beasties for decades to figure that out :rainbowwild:

“Crocodiles prefer salt water and alligators prefer fresh, though. That's a useful thing to know; if alligators are living in it, you can probably drink it.”

"Y'know. After you survive the fall and fend off about a dozen alligators."


Remarks and Corrections:
> You've made it all the way into an antichamber before you hear banging off in the distance.
That's "antechamber".

“Caerbannog bunnies?”

“Those are usually pure white. And they could easily jump out of the pit and behead us.”

The thought that these things actually exist in Equestria suddenly makes me happy I'm on boring old Earth :rainbowderp:

“So just plain ordinary rabbits.”

“Looks like it.”

“I really want to pet one.”

“Yeah, me too.” Daring glances down into the pit again. “Maybe that's the trap.”

Why are they still discussing this?! Get outta there! :rainbowlaugh:

Pony skeletons are kind of adorable. They're the most adorable undead you've ever been pursued by

Hee :twilightsmile:

Inside is not the Orrery of Antikythera. Instead, it's an entire gang of tough-looking henchponies, all of them with weapons, and all of them clearly waiting for you. Dr. Caballeron found a shortcut.

Well, dammit :facehoof:

“No self-respecting girl leaves home without her tactical bra. Besides the knife, I've got a firestarter and a garrote in there.”

“Almost makes me wish I wore one,” Daring mutters. “But your hands are tied, and—“

You can see the gears in her head turning.

“Dammit.”

Hah :facehoof:

You adjust your shirt the best you can and then crouch down next to Daring. “Alright. I'll go after Dr. Caballeron; you steal his airship and be ready to rescue me.”

That's pretty straightforward :rainbowlaugh:

Doesn't an airship have a crew, though? :unsuresweetie:

8895398
That doesn't work if your dungeon is supposed to last for millennia though :rainbowwild:

The time for finesse, if ever there was a time, is long gone. You bowl over two of his henchponies and grab the sack, punching the unfortunate stallion who's carrying it square in the muzzle.

High-octane edge-of-my-seat action! :rainbowdetermined2:

Remarks and Corrections:
> The rope’s right in front of you and you grab onto it
missing period at the end.

Your bed’s also beckoning you. Your bed which is soft and cushy and not a hard edge of wood that’s trying to work its way between two vertebrae. You glance down at Daring and consider asking her if she’d mind being used as a pillow, but decide that you probably shouldn’t, tempting though it is.

Pony pillow is best pillow :rainbowlaugh:

“Maybe instead of coming to the gym for strength training, you should come for acrobatics practice. This is what, the fourth time this year you’ve tripped in your apartment?”

Hey, some practice in that couldn't hurt, considering how much you end up doing it :rainbowlaugh:

Remarks and Corrections:
> “I saw it done in a movie,” You tell her.
Shouldn't have a capital letter on "you".
> somebody’d going to wind up with a load of rusty nails.
I think that should be "somebody’[s] going to"

8896534

Actually, this brings up something that bugs me about this fic, consistently, and it comes in the form of a question.

Why was this told in the 2nd person?

That was part of the prompt he wrote this for,

Given the chapter title and the multiple references to our main characters bra in the first few chapters I thought it might play a part in disarming one of the traps.

Huh, the bra did turn out to be useful.

8896157

I would like to register a complaint with the management! This is actually the preantepenultimate chapter.:derpytongue2:

Yes, but it's the penultimate chamber.

8896677

The thought that these things actually exist in Equestria suddenly makes me happy I'm on boring old Earth:rainbowderp:

Hopefully ponies have Holy Hand Grenades of Antioch, or the spell equivalent.

Why are they still discussing this?! Get outta there!:rainbowlaugh:

If there were still living defenders in the temple, that'd be a great way to get anyone raiding it, wouldn't it be?

Hee:twilightsmile:

It's true; they're alarmingly cute.

Well, dammit:facehoof:

It always pays to take the quickest route to the top. And maybe not debate what kind of bunnies are in the pit trap.

8896733

High-octane edge-of-my-seat action!:rainbowdetermined2:

:heart:

Remarks and Corrections:
> The rope’s right in front of you and you grab onto it
missing period at the end.

Fixed! Thank you!

8896630

Ohh.Verysneaky:pinkiegasp:

The best trapsmiths know to vary the mechanisms and timing of traps to catch the most people.

There's actually the warning in one of the army's boobytrapping manuals about traps that set off a small device to attract curious onlookers, at which point the larger device goes off.

Gotta admire the kind of architecture that manages to create a spot down there that has remained attractive for alligators to hang around for thousands of years. They must've studied them beasties fordecadesto figure that out:rainbowwild:

I think it was Whip and Wing that had several sections devoted to the trap maintenance ponies who worked inside the temple. Probably feeding alligators would be one of their duties.

"Y'know. After you survive the fall and fend off about a dozen alligators."

Well, yeah. But that's a minor detail.

That's "antechamber".

What if it's made out of antimatter? :trollestia:
Correction made, thank you!

8896939

Given the chapter title and the multiple references to our main characters bra in the first few chapters I thought it might play a part in disarming one of the traps.

What, tie the bra to a lever or something and then go commando through the rest of the temple? (Well, I guess it would be half commando.)

Actually, thinking of that you can sometimes calm down IRL panicking horses by putting a bra over their eyes. "Take deep breaths, Daring. Wear this."

8896720

Hah:facehoof:

As Daring herself said, "A mare's gotta do what a mare's gotta do."

That's pretty straightforward:rainbowlaugh:

Simple plans are the best.

Doesn't an airship have acrew, though?:unsuresweetie:

Yes. So Daring has to get past the guards (if any) and subdue the crew somehow.

That doesn't work if your dungeon is supposed to last for millennia though:rainbowwild:

Use really good canvas and hang mothballs everywhere.

8896986

Huh, the bra did turn out to be useful.

Never leave home without your tactical bra (technically, it's a pocket bra and a tactical bra is a different thing, but whatever).

8895955

You need the feats Cut From The Air, Smash From The Air?

First one lets you deflect Arrows, the second, unlicked by getting the first, lest you deflect Magic Missile? But its level limited I think to Maud, L16 or something.:derpytongue2:

I think I did have Catch Arrows. Which meant that if someone fired an arrow at me, I could grab it from the air and then throw it back at them.

8896534

A change in both tenseandnarrator? Whoops.:twilightblush:

Dammit. Correction made, thank you!

Actually, this brings up something that bugs me about this fic, consistently, and it comes in the form of a question.
Why was this told in the 2nd person?

Because that was the harder version of the contest. The expert level, if you will. It started out being only 2nd person FiE, but the judges relaxed the rules a bit. The main factors, though, were difficult and rare.

I like doing things that other people don't do (I'm pretty sure I've got the only clopfic starring Hayseed Turnip Truck as half the tango), so I decided to take the more difficult route and see if I could make it work as a second-person story.

8896572

A fun, fast-paced adventure. Indeed, the jump cuts to ever more absurd temple defenses were some of my favorite parts.

Absurd temple defenses are the best part of writing a story like this.

Thank you for a delightful read, and best of luck in the contest.

You're welcome! And thanks!

8896742

Pony pillow is best pillow:rainbowlaugh:

Agreed. Although boobs are good pillows, too . . . maybe Daring and Hannah should have taken turns dozing on each other.

Hey, some practice in that couldn't hurt, considering how much you end up doing it:rainbowlaugh:

I'm just imagining it now. Jim Jam manages to get her enrolled in some ropes course or acrobatics course or something like that and the first time she goes out there she sets a new course record.

Remarks and Corrections:
> “I saw it done in a movie,” You tell her.
Shouldn't have a capital letter on "you".
> somebody’d going to wind up with a load of rusty nails.
I think that should be "somebody’s going to"

Corrections made, thank you!

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