3. ...and They Lived Ha—
Edited by TuxOKC. Pre-read by Kudzuhaiku.
It was past midnight. A sleek, black vehicle pulled to a stop beneath a street light near the corner of an intersection. It was quiet, save for the barking of dogs somewhere in the neighborhood. A quarter moon hung in the sky.
“All right, there’s the address,” Discord announced from behind the wheel of the black SUV the group had stolen. His human form was long, thin, and gangly. He stroked his long, sparse beard as he regarded the building. It was a house, a small one. The neighborhood seemed quiet and pleasant. The humanized draconequus drummed his fingers over the top of the wheel.
“You ran three red lights,” observed Twilight. She was shaken and grateful for seatbelts. “You nearly ran over some people and threw boxes of donuts at the local law enforcement that was chasing us!”
He grinned, turning his head in her direction. “Yes. I did. Wasn’t that fun?”
“Discord,” Celestia was sitting next to him in the front. She had her hand to her chest and was breathing heavily. “Discord, where did you learn to drive and why would you be so reckless?”
“Learn?” He blinked, running his hands up and down the steering wheel. “Where is the fun in reading boring words on telling you to do this and don’t do that? As for the second part of your question, Grand Theft Auto.” A thoughtful expression morphed over his visage. “The last part actually applies to both of your questions, really.”
“My bladder held,” cried Luna from the back of the SUV, “but the heart attack has been doubled!”
Chrysalis, who was tied up, gagged and strapped into the seat belt next to Twilight, was making whimpering sounds. It had been her first experience in an automobile. She was not a fan of her new form and her brain had been going bonkers trying to figure out how her reshaped body worked. And what was with the two mounds on the front of her chest?
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Twilight turned to the reluctant bride-to-be, “you don’t know about humans, do you?”
Chrysalis shook her head. The twin mounds jiggled at the sudden movements above her neck. She stared in muted horror, not able to control that part of her body.
“Good.” Cadence became thoughtful. “I have a sudden desire for Jell-O.” She had hungry eyes.
“Mmrph?” Chrysalis chewed on her gag.
“Just enjoy the learning experience. You’re going to be here a very long time,” Cadence said as she leaned forward. She placed her hands on the changeling’s shoulders and gave warm squeezes with them. The pink princess was in a good mood and appeared indifferent to Discord’s driving abilities. “I think you’ll fit right in on this world!”
Balefire roared in the eyes of the prisoner as she stared daggers at Cadence. The princess cupped her own mounds. “They’re called boobs. Human males love them. Human females, too, but I’ll let you discover that for yourself.” She sat back, looking smug as she chewed on a fingertip. “The human body isn’t so bad. In a lot of ways, it’s far more useful than the pony form. More flexible, if you know what I mean.” Her other hand never left her chest.
“Mrrrrrgharf!” snarled Chrysalis. The gag was worse than the muzzle.
“Okay, who’s going in?” Celestia turned in her seat and regarded the back of the SUV, her eyes going from pon—, er, person to person. She was still getting used to that. “Luna, you’re good at snatch and grab, so why don’t you go in and get him?”
“You just won’t let that Children of the Night thing go, will you?”
“Nope.”
Luna gave her sister a meaningful glare. “I have more Gabby Gums photos that I can release to the press at any given moment.”
The two waged a war of wills for an entire two seconds. “Pax?” Celestia offered, extending her right hand.
Luna’s glare shifted into a diplomatic smile. “Pax.”
They shook hands.
“All right, I will go in. The target owns this home, yes?” Luna pulled a photo from her vest and examined it. Nodding to herself, she moved up to the door, pausing as her hip pressed into Chrysalis’ shoulder and arm. “At least your future husband looks clean,” she said with an affable smirk to the changeling. She placed the photo into Chrysalis’ bound hands so she could see the male of her unwanted dreams. The door slid open. Luna hopped out.
She was wearing black form-fitting clothing. Pulling out a black wool cap, she donned it, her long, stary blue hair of limitless galaxies somehow tucking perfectly beneath it. “Love this thing,” she announced as she tucked the last remnants of her hair away. “So comfy!”
“Should I go with you?” asked Cadence. She placed her hands on the seat in front of her and pulled forward enough so she could see Luna. “I mean, if you need me to?”
“No,” Luna said, shaking her head, “You’ve already expressed how you want to kick this poor fellow in the genitals the first chance you get. We want this to be as painless as possible, remember?”
“I wouldn’t feel any pain,” Cadence grumbled. She sat back into her seat and crossed her arms over her breasts.
“And here. We. Go,” Twilight snarked. She pulled out her beloved book and turned on the reading lamp over her seat. “Cadence, let’s just get this done. I want to find this ‘Barnes and Nobles’ bookstore before we leave. There have to be more golden books like this one in there! The sooner we get Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb hitched, the sooner we can get back to what’s really important!”
“The Magic of Friendship?” Celestia asked, her words pointed and direct as she glared at her former student. “You are the Princess of Friendship, remember?” She reached out and tapped the spine of the book with a finger. “I think that book has sucked all the friendship out of you.”
Twilight gave her former mentor a loving middle finger without looking up from her reading. “That ship sailed the moment it was decided Starlight Glimmer was more powerful than an alicorn. I think we should have focused our attention on those writers. Give Chrysalis a harem of MLP writers. I think everybody will be happy… for the most part.” She spared a glance from her story at Celestia, only to see a supernova forming in the front seat. “Eek!” Twilight shrank behind her book.
Discord was chortling. “Your former pupil has grown fangs, Celly Sunbutt!” This whole train wreck had been nothing but fun from the start!
Luna rolled her eyes. “Right. Going. Operation Bug Pony Horse Waifu commencing. Be back in a moment.” She closed the door and disappeared into the night. It was, after all, her domain. There was a muffled cry not ten seconds later, followed by, “Blasted tree!”
Silence followed.
Cadence broke the silence. “You know,” she mused, “maybe we should consider using the human form more often. For science, of course.”
“You slut,” Twilight said with a giggle.
Chrysalis found herself making a guffaw despite her plight.
Wanting to make small talk, Celestia turned in her seat and sought her out. “So, what was this story that’s got you so riled up? There are a lot of human fictional stories involving us. Why does this one stand out? I mean, I’ve read plenty about myself and have been amused for the most part by them. It’s fiction. It’s not as if those words are going to affect us directly.”
Cadence blew out an explosive breath. “All right. I’ll tell you. I know it’s probably petty, but this is pretty much the gist of the story…”
Luna tested the front door. It was, of course locked. She found this odd, as none of the homes in Ponyville were ever locked. Perhaps there was a sleepwalking epidemic and the humans used locks to keep them from wandering around outside, in the dark and in their sleep?
Ah, well. It did not matter, she mused as she pointed a finger at the lock. Magic flipped from the end of her perfectly shaped nail and into the lock.
The door exploded.
“Huh,” she said as she went inside. “It would appear I will have to learn to control my magic properly in this form. Stars forbid I decide to stay and become a supervillain, or something of the like.” Whispering did not seem to be needed. “Human? Human!” She had already forgotten the fellow’s name. “Awake from thy slumber, for a most wondrous gift awaits you!” Was it wondrous? This was Chrysalis being pawned off on some unsuspecting dolt, after all. It had to be wondrous, for Equestria would be minus one massive headache! Yes, this was not only wondrous, but glorious! “Come, human, rise up from your bed and get what is coming to you!”
She had read the story. It wasn’t that bad.
“Someone’s in the house!” a distinct male voice cried out. “Get out of my house! I’m calling the cops!” There was the sound of a door slamming shut.
Luna’s euphoric smile vanished, replaced with irritation. “Oh, bother!” It was fortunate the house was small and comprised of one floor. Cozy would have been a perfect word to describe the domicile. The humanized alicorn strode forward on her long legs and found a small hallway.
From behind one door, she heard, “Yes! Please! Someone broke into my house! It’s a woman! My front door exploded! There was an explosion! Please! Send help! I think she’s going to kill me!” There was a pause as Luna pressed an ear to the door. “No! I don’t know her! I’m not drunk and I’m not on drugs!” Another pause. “Yes, I’ll hold.”
Something was braced up against the door. Luna fiddled with the door handle. There was no lock, so she surmised furniture had been shoved up against the door. Curling her fingers, she knocked with one hand. “Human? Human! Open the door, please.”
“You’re crazy!” cried the male from the other side.
Luna considered his words. “I was insane in the past,” she admitted, “but I’m much better now! I found friendship and rediscovered my love for my sister!”
“Get out of my house! I’m talking to the police and they’re going to send someone to arrest you!”
Luna pulled back from the door. She was not sure of where in the room the human was and she did not want him harmed. A damaged groom would be problematic. So, she placed one hand against the door and gave it a good shove.
The door cracked, held as a tease, then fell apart at the knob. Luna grabbed that and with a yank, pulled a large chunk of door towards her. She shifted her body and with a casual motion of her arm, flipped door remnants down the hall. The humanized alicorn then kicked what was left of the door (it was more of a shove), toppling over what appeared to be a cheap dresser. It fell apart and clothing spilled out everywhere. Luna stepped over debris and blindly reached for a light switch near the door. She found it and gave it a flip.
There was a bed in the corner of the room. Luna ignored all the personal touches individuals give to their bedchambers, even though it was an obvious clue to their personality. No, this had to be quick. The human male on the bed was screaming at her, reaching for what appeared to be an aluminum baseball bat. Roaring like a wounded rabbit, he sprang at her, bat in both hands, raised over his head.
Bored, Luna caught the incoming weapon with one hand and grabbed the human with the other. “You need exercise,” she noted as she squeezed his muscles. Her other hand tore the bat out of his hands and tossed it through the nearby wall with casual ease. “Come then!” she cried with great enthusiasm, “your bride awaits!”
The human struggled, making panicked primate noises and swearing a lot. Luna did not care, even finding his simian struggles amusing. With one smooth motion, he was slung over her shoulder like a sack of apples. She turned and walked out the same way she came in, retracing her steps. The monkey was insufferable in the sounds he made, but that would soon be Chrysalis’ problem.
“Totally worth it,” Luna surmised, patting the human on the rump. Her hand may or may not have lingered longer than what would have been proper. As she went outside, past the blasted door, she yelled out with great cheer, “I have him!”
With human in hoo—, er, hand, she skipped to the truck, feeling quite merry in her accomplishment.
Celestia rolled down her window. She wore a deadpan expression. “Really?” she demanded, observing the chaos in her sister’s wake.
Discord peered over her shoulder. “Oh, I don’t know, Celestia, her work tonight has a certain charm to it, don’t you think?” He was giggling. “Oh, how charming! He is wearing My Little Pony Underoos! Every Brony wants a princess on his crotch!”
“Which one?” Twilight called out from within the SUV.
Celestia, despite herself, squinted. “I think it’s Luna.”
“Thank heavens it’s not me!” Cadence remarked with relief.
“I have a faaaan!~” sang Luna, giving the human’s rump another squeeze. She opened the door and, while dealing with a struggling sapient ape, took a look for herself. “Thank goodness, Chrysalis, no skid marks! Lucky you! I think I might become jealous, you insufferable succubus!” She threw him onto the changeling’s lap. “Get acquainted with him! You have…” Luna reached over and yanked the book out of Twilight’s grasp, “How much time do we have to get this done?”
The bookworm princess reached and groped with no luck at her snatched tome. “An hour. Gimme!”
“You have an hour to get to know each other. After that, nuptials!” Luna gave Twilight back her book and pinched the lucky couple on their cheeks.
One hour later…
The abandoned warehouse had been set up to hold a wedding. Given there had been ten or fifteen minutes to prepare for the ceremony, there was still a feeling a lot of care and devotion had been put into the effort. It had been decided Discord should be the Best Man, considering there were no other males present. Human marriage ceremonies in this part of the world had a tradition of Best Men. Why they only had one while the bride had an army of bridesmaids was confusing. Then again, humans were confusing creatures.
“I’d love to stay here and blend in with these talking monkeys,” Discord observed to the human. He was putting the last touches on the rental tuxedo. It was three or four sizes too big for the human. Like Chrysalis, he had been bound and gagged. Both were now sporting the ‘tied-to-a-dolly’ look. “but Fluttershy would kill me with her kindness if I did.” Would Hannibal Lecter approve? Discord wondered.
The human and Chrysalis had been spending a lot of time sharing their experience with each other. If the pleading looks in their eyes was any indication, they seemed to be getting along like peanut butter and strawberry jelly. This pleased Discord. “He’s ready, Lovebutt the Tyrant,” he announced, plucking the last bits of lint from the human’s shoulder.
“Don’t call me that,” she griped at him. Cadence was standing at a podium. She motioned for the happy couple to be wheeled into position. “Let’s get this going.” A loving smile broke out like sunshine through clouds. The Princess of Love took in a deep breath, going through her own breathing exercises.
Luna, Celestia, and Twilight helped to put Chrysalis in position. Discord did the same with the human. The bridesmaids plucked at the changeling’s outfit, making sure all the wrinkles were taken care of and the bride looked as presentable as equin—, er, as humanely as possible.
Chrysalis was, for lack of a better word, stunning. Sure, she was trussed up tighter than a hog on a spit, but that did not mean no expense was spared for her wedding gown. It was traditional white, with lace embroidered with emerald silk. Her veil had tiny bits of emeralds weaved into the thin cloth. She had been given back her crown and it served to hold her veil in place. The gown itself was fitted to perfection, accenting every inch of her curves. What she had could only be described as ‘generous’ or ‘ample’. Voluptuous? Well, Chrysalis did have some athleticism to her frame, with toned muscle. It made Twilight self conscious of her own lack of attributes. She hovered in the back, examining herself and very much not liking what she saw.
Ah, well.
And yes, Chrysalis did notice the discomfort Twilight flashed. She would take her victories whenever she could take them!
Cadence had taken to wearing robes. They were white and laced with embroidered gold. It wasn’t real gold, but a cheap set. That did not matter, as it would serve the purpose Cadence needed them for. It was unflattering, but the other alicorns said nothing. “Are we ready?”
“You look like Elvis in his final years,” quipped Celestia with a worried frown. She eyed Cadence up and down as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Crossing her arms under her breasts, the frown turned upside down. She started giggling. So much for nothing.
“This is a Vegas style wedding, so why not?”
“Constipation killed him,” Luna remarked.
Cadence sighed and rolled her eyes. “Irrelevant. Let’s do this, girls.”
“Hey!” protested Discord. He made a sad panda face.
“Sorry. Girls and twisted abominations of absolute chaos.”
“Thank you!”
Chrysalis and her unintended looked up at her from their dollies. Their expressions were indescribable. Perhaps pre-marital jitters? Perhaps it was the result of an hour of dedication to each other, getting to know each other, and deciding ‘I hate my life’? No one could say for sure. They could only agree; This Was Happening.
“Mawage,” Cadence began in an impressive voice, “mawage is wot bwings us togedar today. That dweam within a dweam…”
“Kigh meh,” moaned Chrysalis.
“I wanted to do that,” Discord complained to the groom in an aside. “Still, it’s a wedding and I do so love weddings!” He produced and handkerchief and dabbed at his eyes with it. “So romantic! Going through the Drive-Thru at McDonald’s. Everypony got a Happy Meal! Watching the loving couple fall deeper and deeper into each other. So moving! Even when we tied them together while we went to Dairy Queen for Blizzards!” He placed himself between the two, pressing their cheeks into his as he ruffled their respective scalps. “Watching you two glower into each other’s eyes as you contemplated revenge in the reflections of each other’s souls. How touching! You,” he said to the human, “had more confusion than rage. Understandable. Very understandable! You,” Discord flicked his tongue and pressed his cheek hard into Chrysalis’, “have more than enough rage to make up for your man’s lack of.”
There was the sound of an irritated throat clearing. Breaking from his reverie, the joyful draconequus looked up and found the Princess of Love giving him the stink eye as she gripped the podium with both her hands. Her knuckles had gone bone white.
“Do you mind?” she grated through a forced smile. “This is supposed to be the happy couple’s moment, not yours, Discord.”
He pulled away and put his hands up. “I got you! I got you! I might have gotten a touch carried away. You do what you do as you do it. I’ll just stand over here with the ring.”
“Speaking of,” Cadence shifted her hips and turned her torso a little, making the podium she was now leaning on creak. “Twilight, do you have Chrysalis’ ring?”
Twilight held up a plain gold wedding band. “Yep. Right here, sister-in-law!”
“Great! Now, where was I?”
“Mawage?” Celestia suggested in a most helpful way. She had an eyebrow raised and was fighting the urge to burst out laughing. The hitch in her voice was almost impossible to contain.
“Thank you!” Cadence beamed at her aunt and cleared her throat. “Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togedar today. Mawage, dat bwessed awangement, that dweam within a dweam...”
The human expressed bewilderment with his eyes. “Urgh cradeh!”
Chrysalis sympathized. “Ey are vggurph cradeh!”
Magic flowed from Cadence’s hands, dancing along the lengths of her fingers. Her fine nails, every bit as perfect as one could expect from royalty, weaved symbols in the air. The spell was not confined to just her movements, oh, no. Her voice also carried her magic, sending it out and to the couple before her. The magic swirled and danced, touching their skin and illuminating their eyes. Chrysalis tried to struggle, for she knew this spell. The human, on the other hoo—, er, hand, fell under the sway of Love magic in slightly more than an instant. The changeling wavered, her will pushing hard, but she felt the power of the other alicorns press in and hold her will down. Her soul was uplifted, given love from not one alicorn, but four.
“The dweam of wuv is now weality. You have wuv to guide you. Take the wuv. Embwace the wuv. Know wuv must be given as much as it is taken. Twu wuv is taking the good wid the bad. Wuv your stallion, Chwysalis, foh in turn your stallion will wuv you.”
As Cadence spoke on, the spell coaxed a fragment of the queen’s soul to reach out and touch the soul of the human. The same was happening from the other end. The two fragments passed each other, pulsing as they caressed. The love spell was making the couple one in an almost literal sense. At the last moment, before she lost herself into the power of love, Chrysalis freed one of her hands from their bonds and gave the Alicorn of Love the Bird.
Haven’t you heard? The bird is the word!
With a great deal of help, the rings were exchanged.
“I declare you two married!” Cadence cried, clapping her hands in glee. “You may now kiss the bride!” she told the groom. Celestia and Discord went to ungag the bride and groom.
Blushing, the wedded couple looked upon each other, the magic coursing through their bodies. One felt filled with a new sense of purpose. The other had the need to earn the love and respect of the other. Their needs and desires could have been interchanged. There was one thing, one moment, one thought they shared and could have agreed upon. The magic had been so strong, melding them from two into one, allowing them one thought.
As a married couple, it was a decision they both had their hearts set upon. As they leaned forward, as they were still bound to their dollies, their foreheads touched. Deeper and deeper they peered into one another’s eyes, one phrase uniting them in ways that put marriage counselors out of work.
The groom wanted to speak, to say what he was thinking at that moment. Chrysalis shushed him with a kiss. Her eyes were burning with rings of fire. She was burn, burn, burning with something, all right. It was not desire.
“Awww!” came the expected reply. Dry rice was tossed at the happy couple.
“Cadence,” Chrysalis said, pulling her head from her man. “Cadence,” she turned her head to the alicorn-turned-human, her eyes glowing with green fire. “I don’t know when you’re going to leave me here. I suspect soon. But know this; I will find a way back to Equestria. And when I do, I will find you and I will make you pay for this.” Her smile would have made a winning Olympian envious. The twitching eye ruined the look.
Celestia took the handles of the dolly and began wheeling Chrysalis back to the SUV. “Of course you are, Chrysalis. You wouldn’t be a villain if you didn’t make such a silly proclamation.”
Twilight had her book out again and read as she walked alongside the changeling. “Lady. Get it through your head. Being evil is bad. Your kids abandoned you because you don’t want to be good.”
Chrysalis flinched as much as she was able. Tears swelled up in her eyes. Her lower lip trembled.
“That was harsh, Twilight Sparkle,” chided Luna. “Why did you have to say such cutting words on her wedding day?” She clucked her tongue and wagged a finger at the bookworm.
“I never thought Twilight Sparkle would be such a bitch,” said an unfamiliar voice. “I always thought Celestia was majestic and kind.” All eyes fell upon the groom in his oversized tux. “You are all nuts! Batshit crazy! You kidnapped me just to marry Queen Chrysalis? Why? What the hell is going on here?”
Discord patted him on the shoulder and began wheeling him after Chrysalis. “Oh, it’s simple my boy! This whole story is a train wreck. I told them it was going to be a train wreck and the general consensus was in agreement. You see, well, I think Cadence should explain it since this was all her idea.”
The human’s eyes, full of fright, went to the Princess of Love. She spoke his name, sounding like a disappointed mother. “You want to know why I chose you?” she asked. “I’ll push him a little bit, Discord. Give us a minute, please.”
“Of course! Of course! The dolly is yours!” There was some jostling as the dolly exchanged hands.
The groom was being pushed again, though it only went a few feet before Cadence set him down. They were just before the main doors of the warehouse. It was still dark outside. Dawn was still three hours away. The princess walked around to the front, arms crossed over her chest as she chewed her bottom lip. Her head was tilted down as she collected herself.
“I thought ponies were nice,” said the human.
She looked up. “Oh, we are! We really, truly are! We do have a general idea of fostering acceptance and friendship going for us. We ponies are good. We ponies do good. But sometimes, just sometimes, something happens that makes us snap. Twilight’s student captured Chrysalis right about the time I read your fanfiction.”
A confused word was uttered. “What?”
“You write horse words.”
The man blinked. “Well, yeah. You read my stories?”
“We all read your stories. We follow quite a few of you writers. Most of it is fun to read. But you…” Cadence sighed, her lovely features morphing into indignant rage. A slender finger reached out and poked the groom in the chest. “You! The story you wrote! I do not like reading a story where I hold court and invite all comers to spank my flank while they voice their grievances!”
“Huh?” came the intelligent blurt.
“The salt is real!” giggled Luna as she passed by and patted the younger alicorn on the head. Cadence swatted her hand away and hissed like a wet cat.
“Did you or did you not write ‘Cadence Ass Smack’?”
“It was a funny story,” insisted the man, his voice warbling in both fear and confusion. “It isn’t real!”
“So you did write it.”
“Well, um, yes? It was in the feature box for almost a week. A lot of people told me it was my funniest writing.” The poor fellow was on the verge of a breakdown.
Cadence, however, was feeling no sympathy. “In your story, you had my husband, the love of my life, the father of my beautiful daughter announce to the whole audience that he loved watching other ponies slap his wife on the ass.”
“But it was just a joke…”
“And I took offense to it! Unlike the others, who really don’t care what people say about them, I was offended! I decided to do something about it.” Cadence was poking him in the chest over and over with her finger, punctuating each word.
“So, you’re ruining my life over a stupid story?” Tears were running down his cheeks.
“I’m not ruining your life,” she told him, patting him on the cheek. Sympathy crawled over her lovely features like a Mongol horde. “I’m giving your life meaning. You’re not going anywhere with your life, so I decided to give you something to focus on, to nurture and grow. I’m pointing you in the right direction.” Her smile had a twitch to it. “It’s my specialty!”
“By marrying me off to Queen Chrysalis?”
Cadence shifted to a grave look of concern. “The relationship is going to take a lot of work.” She smiled again. “But not to worry! You will be watched. You will be observed. I’ll pop in from time to time to see how you two lovebirds are progressing!” She leaned in and gave him a peck on the cheek. “So, no hard feelings, ‘kay? ‘Kay! Just to prove there are no bad feelings between us, we even decided to give you guys a honeymoon!”
“Where?” he dared asked. “Where to?”
“Siberia!”
“What?”
“We’re ready, Cadence!” Celestia called from the SUV.
The groom swallowed hard, feeling the doom of his fate crushing down on his shoulders. “What do they have to do with this?”
“They’re bored. Running Equestria is pretty much done by a triple redundant bureaucracy. All they do is tell ponies what they want done and everything goes through the legal process. It takes a while to get through, but what they say pretty much goes. Since everything runs pretty smoothly, my aunts need breaks from the tedium from time to time. Celestia more so than the others. Poor lady needs a vacation if you ask me.” Cadence huffed and blew a strand of hair from her eyes.
“I don’t want to go to Siberia,” blubbered the man.
“Oh, don’t worry, you and Chryssie will have someone to share the experience with.”
“Who?”
“Starlight Glimmer.”
“Why? I hate her.”
“Exactly! It’s part of her reformation thing Twilight wants her to do. The whole ‘more powerful than an alicorn’ thing has really rubbed her raw. I’m considering getting her counselling,” Cadence shook her head. “Family is important. I love Twily like she was my little sister. Tough decisions are gonna have to be made.”
“What’s going to happen to me?” the human asked.
“You’re probably going to be busy making babies.”
“What?”
“Small versions of you,” Cadence supplied with a helpful smile. “There will be diapers. Dirty, filthy diapers. You will learn parenting and proper adulting.”
“In Siberia?”
“Oh, that’s just going to be a week. The prison there is waiting for you. You’re expected.”
“What?”
“Don’t mess with an alicorn,” Cadence whirled on him, smiling and giggling. “Especially me! To gulag with you!” She pointed her fingers at him. “Bang! Bang!” A wink was thrown in for emphasis. “Quiet now! Must wheel you to spot.” She now adopted a horrid Russian accent. “In Soviet Russia... aw, whatever.”
She wheeled the groom over to his waiting bride.
“They’re going to love you in Siberia,” Discord said with pride. “I hear the Russian president is a closet Brony.” He pointed at Chrysalis. “Big fan of yours, I do believe!”
“Let’s do this,” Celestia said, rolling a finger in the air. “If I know Prince Blueblood, he’s probably issuing Royal decrees outlawing the middle class.”
“I miss serfdom,” lamented Luna.
“Right. You miss the era where ponies were afraid of the dark and worshipped me to keep you out of their dreams,” her sister supplied. “You didn’t help by screaming at them to love you.”
“Gabby Gums,” warned Luna.
“Pax?”
“Pax.”
They shook hands.
“Let’s finish this train wreck,” Twilight called out. She had fished her book from the SUV and was, of course, reading it. She was already inside and raring to go.
“You’re terrible people!” the groom yelled.
“Good luck and happy honeymoon!” Celestia went over and kissed him on the cheek and did the same for Chrysalis. The former queen hissed at her. Old habits die hard, after all.
Luna copied her sister, though she chose to kiss the groom full on the lips. “I’ll never forget your underwear,” she breathed, tapping him on the cheek as she pulled away. The kiss she gave Chrysalis was just as enthusiastic, with an equal amount of tongue.
It was lazy fan service, to be sure, garnering the Mature tag this whole farce should have had from the beginning.
The alicorns not already in the vehicle stepped away from the couple.
“See you two lovebirds in a week! Discord?” Cadence asked with a polite smile.
He grinned and snapped his fingers. The newlyweds disappeared in a flash of magic.
“Well,” Discord said, already feeling bored, “what next?”
Cadence gave him a curious smile. “Next season. You.”
The End?
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I f
cking hate that f
cking cadance or cadence or wtf that stupid shit's name is, and f
ck love, also f
ck that annoying shining
8074114 It looks like you're trying to say 'FUCK'. Would you like some help with that?
8074115
8074117 derpicdn.net/img/2016/6/18/1181311/thumb.jpeg
I must go now....
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an ass slapping fic? id love to read that!
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Mom is gone, throw a party!
8074201 I stated from the beginning it was going to be three chapters.
There will be an epilogue.
Almost over, sadly. I love the humor.
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8074374 Why is EqG the art? The roles should be reversed.
8074449
Because Scarheart has made no secret that he dislikes Starlight Glimmer. I was waiting forever to use that gif for him and this was as good a time as any.
8074458 True, but I meant in terms of FiM and EqG. I didn't explain. Sorry.
8074477
If you mean the show vs the movies, then yeah. The show is generally better.
But the gif is comparing the two characters. Not the show vs the movie.
8074485 Are we talking one-dimensional shallow Sunset of first movie or two-dimensional high-school craze of subsequent movies?
8074515
Just in general, I suppose. Doesn't really matter to me.
8074518 Ehhh. Starlight it is. At least she didn't turn into an imp.
Still wanna see it all backfire horribly on the Alicorns. It's funny, yeah, but also that are also annoying.
wat is going on....
8074792 This is just a silly story. It's not referencing any other story in this site.
8074805 No I mean what story from Stephen Hawking or whatnot is it talking about? I think Twilight said something in the second chapter.
8074815 Also completely made up. The only thing true in this story is the fanfiction writer. To be revealed in the epilogue.
8074833 Gee we're going to get to know you? Oh wait... IS IT ME? DEAR GOD IF IT'S ME... YES!
This was a pretty funny story. I liked it a LOT. I'd swear all the characters were in character!
That was cruel, unusual, psychotic, sadistic, and utilized abuse of power...
I hate it.
But it's just a silly story, so whatever, man.
To be honest?
This wasn't worth my time.
8074201
^ basically that.
The funnies just weren't there for me.
8075362 I'm aware this sort of writing isn't going to tickle everyone's fancy. Thank you for taking the time to read it. It is appreciated!
This had me constantly confused but in perfect understanding at the same time. So out-of-character for the Alicorns too. I think Discord would be proud.
Great job
Meh. Well written but not funny. Punch line weak.
8074146
Agreed.
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Welp. I read through that thinking the ending would be worth my time. Wish I had known it wouldn't be.
Okay that was funny.
8074201
Please relate to us your expertise in having dildos shoved up your ass. I mean, we need a citation after all.
8074524
No, but she did turn out to be the canon equivalent of a Mary Sue with the WORST origin story I've ever seen and one of the largest killcounts in MLP history.
What the BUCK did I just get finished reading???
I'm disappointed 'Cadence Ass Smack' isn't real... yet.
8076348
I don't know if alternate universes that don't exist anymore really add to your kill count...
Self-insert wedding fic. Calling it.
8076348 Agreed. Its like the put no effort into that backstory at all.
That's my beef too.
I am kinda wondering if she is talking about this story. Would make things feel a little recursive.
Wow, the pink little princess has thin skin. She won't survive long in politics.
I for one love this flaming trainwreck!
Pig disgusting. Grape jelly is the only choice for the true patrician.
it's certainly all funny, but still this marriage is unnatural. If a love spell is the only thing keeping him going, then once Chrysalis finds a way to break the "love spell" Cadence's entire plan will fall apart.