Pretty vanila stuff. You need to work on your formating a litle bit, like starting a new line when a different character starts talking, but other than that it's a pretty solid fic. Good job.

8060418 Tried doing that the first time, but the story was rejected due to "sake of readibility".

Thank you, however.

Not bad for a starter. Went a little fast and I agree with Galaxy Knight, the formatting needs work. Flesh out some of the details and take some more time describing the scenes and you would have a great story.

8112974

Okay, thanks.

For a short story it had decent build up but the actual scene needs abit more.

Past, present. Choose one.