• Member Since 24th May, 2015
  • offline last seen Feb 8th, 2016

Smrrt


Comments ( 57 )

This is a bit fast pace for the first chapter so I would suggest you slow down for the rest of the story

6686482 Patients is t the most important part of writing a story to faced pace and you will lose your reader or not make the story all that it can be.

Not bad. You have an interesting premise, and the first chapter is better written than the prologue. I'm curious to see where you're going with this...:twilightsmile:

As long as your chapters have names rather than just "chapter 1" you can name them anything you want!

Honestly, the prologue wasn't that bad; It was a little rushed to get the story started, but many are worse than yours. As for the first chapter, it was great, and I can't wait for more.

~Crystalline Electrostatic~
10:27_12/2/2015

.I can't belief

Better...Better...I would HIGHLY recommend a editor and a few proofreader...you got the making of something but it needs refinement cause i like it...I just don't know where it is going. Have some sort of plan.

And word of advice if your gonna have Twilight or Midnight transform between demon and human...make sure she is demon most of the time or it will make the initial transformation kind of pointless.

6690995 Do not worry. She will be more Midnight, than Twilight, but the next chapter is still going to be mostly Twilight. However, I have something in mind to make it up.

6691068 Okay, you got a lot potential with this story, just take your time and think it through :)

There are a lot of good and funny parts like

I take it back. Adagio is the worst

:rainbowlaugh:

But I'm sorry but I have to agree with the others :fluttershyouch: the prologue was rushed a bit, but this chapter is a lot better :yay: perhaps if you separated the dazzling side and midnight side in later chapters that might help? :derpyderp2:

"Sonata let out whistle, when she saw the gorges looking Sparkle girl hovering in mid-air."

*In the most Rarity tone of voice and Twilight Sparkle 'know-it-all' way possible* It's 'gorgeous', darling. :duck: :twilightsmile:

"Oh, almost everyone things that way at the beginning. Later you''ll appreciate the work you put into it now."

*Again, in the most Rarity/Twilight Sparkle way possible* "It's 'thinks', Darling."

If you skip the AN, a little something you should know: I lost data. I had no backup. I make up for it next time with a longer chapter, Midnight Sparkle finally making regular appearances and clop (if I can squeeze it in somehow).

Comment posted by WildCard65 deleted Dec 14th, 2015

Dude....Seriously....Get a editor! It's very distracting!!!!!! Also you keep going back between Midnight and Twilight, you really need to fix that as well that gets distracting.

Your AN makes me appreciate how relaxed my workplace is that much more. I can do pretty much anything there, up to and including making levels for doom 2.

Also why does Rarity have Adagio's boots? :trixieshiftright:

I could get that when Twilight discovered she turned back into Midnight, she was thinking in her mind, "Hahahahahaha! I should really thank those fools! I had completely forgotten how great it feels to be me! To understand Magic and possess sheer amounts of it!"

If you don't mind, I'd like to make a kid friendly version of this. I'll put in my own things of course and give you credit for inspiration.

6733174 That was on purpose. While Midnight sees herself as...well...Midnight, others still see her as Twilight at this point. I am working on the editor.

6735830 It's just an interesting concept. The whole "my friends look at me and think I'm meek, puny Twilight but in actuality, I've transformed back into the great and powerful Midnight Sparkle disguised as part of my plot to understand all magic" thing, it is intoxicating.

You know, I can't help but notice that, while still clearly not herself, Midnight doesn't seem as bats*#t crazy this time around.

Question: is Midnight wearing her glasses with her new look? Because the narration doesn't really say. And I'm not entirely sure how accurate the picture is. I mean, the glasses not being there may raise some questions.

6736431
6739091 Hmm yes. I certainly need to work on the craziness. And thank you for unintentionally pointing out a flaw in my story. I forgot to bring this up, but Midnight isn't wearing any glasses.

What I can tell about her behavior is that she is holding back right now, still thinking it would be too soon to reveal herself. But since this story is written by me, it's going to happen sooner than she likes it.

6739217 I just meant that she's more clear-headed, knows exactly what she's doing, playing it smart rather than just doing things willy nilly. And I really enjoy how she's being portrayed here.

Thanks for that picture. I've been thinking of what it would have been like it Twilight and Sunset had been in each other's place, and the picture helped me imagine that even better now.

Mmmm...Problem with the story is that you aren't differentiating the personality between Twilight and Midnight much, (Granted they are the same person technically) but again...they aren't, you need to really find ways to differentiate the two otherwise the whole transformation (Apart from the mature areas) is pretty pointless. I would advise major re-writes of the whole story and really REALLY emphasize the difference personality


There's some real potential here with this concept but it just hasn't been reached, it just seems a tad lose and confused, the flow seems un-natural the beginning seems rather pointless as this story unfolds, and it just seems all over the place...I suggest get pre-readers and editors! This Story needs some major re-work. Again...this concept should work....it needs tighter execution.

Oh and this chapter has a bit of pacing problem...Not enough buildup and you just go straight to the sex way to quickly. Good clop is all about pacing and description.

6901899 Thank you for the tips. I'll try to include them in the future. I have a hard time writing clop. Everything else? Well as long as I'm not tired and not distracted, it goes well.

6903695 Well if you have trouble writing clop stick to you're strengths...make the story more about the girls dealing with the fact that there friends part demon again

And always read and re-read you're work before a publishing

Login or register to comment