Twilight Sparkle
Rarity
Applejack
Pinkie Pie
Rainbow Dash
Principal Celestia
Sunset Shimmer / She-demon Shimmer
Chara
Frisk
Sans
Snips
Snails
Annoying Dog
Spike
The Underground - Judgement Hall
A short and stocky humanoid skeleton stood facing the wall at the far end of the ornate and brightly lit hall. He wore a blue jacket with a white fur collar, a gray shirt, black pants with a matching leather belt, and black and white tennis shoes. In his hands he held two things. One was a bright red scarf that seemed to have traces of dust on it. The second was an open silver locket that held a picture of the skeleton with a second, taller, leaner skeleton who was wearing the same scarf and some kind of body armor.
Paps… I’m sorry, Paps… I could’ve saved you… thought Sans, the smile he always wore now turned upside down as he remembered discovering his brother’s scarf on top of a pile of dust. A pile of dust that had once been his brother. Not long afterwards he found the remains of the Underground Queen and his crush, Toriel. After that, he discovered a big puddle of organic monster goop sprinkled with dust. It had once been the Captain of The Royal Guard, Undyne the Undying. Then he uncovered the lab coat of the Royal Scientist, Alphys, and bits of scrap metal from Mettaton. So many monsters dead…
Because of THEM…
The human… Sans should’ve killed them when he had the chance. But, Toriel made him swear not to. Now everyone he’d ever known or loved was dead, all because he was too afraid to break his promise and help them.
I promise you, I will avenge you or die trying… and I WILL go down swinging, vowed Sans as he heard footsteps echo through the hallway. The gleam of light reflecting off of something metal told him all he needed to know about who had just entered the room: that Genocidal megalomaniac of a kid. Standing right behind the skeleton was a teenager who looked to be neither male nor female. They were wearing a red-and-blue striped shirt, blue jeans, and black shoes. In their hand was a butcher knife. This was Frisk, although for some strange reason Sans was beginning to think that it wasn't their true name.
Well, may fortune favor the foolish. thought Sans, forcing his usual grin onto his face before speaking in his normal, quick-witted voice.
“It’s a beautiful day outside. Birds are singing, flowers are blooming. On days like these kids like you… should be burning in hell,” said Sans, before turning around and unleashing a point-blank barrage of attacks upon Frisk. The attacks ranged from bones popping up out of nowhere attempting to impale the teen to energy blasts from what appeared to be skeletal animal head-shaped energy cannons.
“Whoa! What the hell?!” yelled Frisk as they desperate tried to evade the onslaught.
Once the attack stopped, Sans shrugged. “Huh. Always wondered why no one ever used their strongest attack first.”
“You’re gonna regret trying to kill me. I’m gonna slice that stupid grin off of your face!” snarled Frisk as they leaped forward with their knife. Sans waited until the very last second before vanishing into thin air, causing Frisk’s attack to miss completely.
“Wha-? How did-?” said Frisk as Sans appeared right behind them.
“What? You think I’m just gonna stand there and take it?” said Sans, his left eye flashing a sinister blue and yellow as he moved his hand around causing Frisk’s body to go bouncing off the walls like a ping-pong ball, smashing into the pillars that lined the room and the floor.
Coughing up blood as they stood to face Sans, Frisk had a grin of a very different sort on their face: a sick and twisted one. “I’m gonna enjoy this,” they said before letting out a dark chuckle.
“I know you will,” said Sans.
The two bitter enemies continued fighting for what seemed like an eternity. Sans was somehow able to avoid Frisk’s attacks while managing to land a ton of his own, even managing to poison Frisk with Karmic Retribution, using the very sins that were crawling on their back against them.
Unfortunately, while he was very powerful, Sans’ stamina and endurance were beginning to run out, and unless he could find a way to get his second wind, he would die in battle and the Underground would be doomed.
Crap, I gotta think of something and I gotta think of it now, thought Sans as he collapsed onto his hands and knees.
“And now we end this. Good-bye, Sans. It hasn’t been a pleasure,” sang Frisk, raising their knife to finish the job.
“You, uh, really like swinging that thing around, huh?”
Frisk froze for a moment, and cocked their head to one side. “Stating the obvious, Sans? I expected more for your last words,” they said, beady red eyes glaring down at Sans.
Sans sighed and looked up at Frisk. “Listen, I know you didn’t answer me before, but… Somewhere in there, I can feel it; there’s a glimmer of a good person inside of you. The memory of someone who once wanted to do the right thing.”
What are you waiting for? Kill him, then kill Father, and this world will be ours to destroy! a voice said inside Frisk’s mind that didn’t quite feel like their own, making them feel conflicted somehow.
“Someone who, in another time, might’ve been… a friend? Come on, buddy… do you remember me?” continued Sans, taking note of Frisk’s hesitation and internal conflict. “Please, if you’re listening… Let’s forget all this, okay? Just lay down your weapon, and my job will be a lot easier.”
A tear began to trickle down Frisk’s cheek. Their grip on their knife slackened… Then, seemingly out of nowhere, as though they were being driven by some unseen force, Frisk slashed at Sans with their knife. Sans choked and gasped for breath as Frisk stared at Sans for a moment before turning around and calmly walking away, wiping their knife on their shirt.
“I-I guess I w-was wrong. We w-were never r-really friends, w-were we?” choked Sans, causing Frisk to stop in their tracks. “Y-you know… I secretly hoped w-we could b-be friends… Th-that all you needed t-to be h-happy was s-some g-good food, s-some b-bad laughs, and some g-great friends… But you… Y-you’re the kind of p-person who w-will never be h-happy… like Ch-Chara…”
With what little strength he had left, Sans managed to pull himself up. “W-well, I’m going to Grillb-by’s,” he said as he began to limp away. Feeling his body start to crumble into dust, Sans uttered one final sentence.
“Papyrus, you want anything?”
???
Sans’ eyes flew open at the sound of a large explosion. Quickly looking around, Sans realized that he was in a forest in the middle of the night. A thousand thoughts ran through his mind.
Where am I? What’s going on? How am I still alive? thought the slain skeleton in a panic.
”Relax, Sans. I brought you here.”
Sans looked behind him to see a small white dog wearing some kind of device walking up behind him from a small crater. Sans recognized the dog immediately. They called him “The Annoying Dog.” Nobody really knew much of anything about him, but for some ridiculous reason, some people thought he was the creator of their world.
The dog began barking what sounded like a sentence, which the device attached to his collar translated. ”I have saved your soul and sent you here, to this world, where you will be able to start anew,” the device said in a robotic voice.
“But, why?” asked Sans, feeling a little foolish to be talking to a dog.
”Because you’re the only one who can stop what’s coming. Namely, Chara and… your father,” explained the Annoying Dog.
“Chara’s dead. They died, like, two hours before Asriel did,” said Sans.
”No, Sans, they’re alive. They live on in Frisk’s body. They tried to do the same to young Asriel, but failed. But, now, they are destroying timeline after timeline, and they’re heading this way. You’re the only one strong enough to defeat them and save Frisk. However, that being said, your old body has degraded into dust, and in any case it would be unsuitable for this world. Behold, your new form,” said the dog, before shaking himself off, sending small bits of crystal flying from his fur, which reformed almost instantly into a full-length mirror.
Sans let out a gasp at the form that stared back at him. No longer was he a short, pudgy skeleton. Instead, a tall human teenage boy of around 16 or 17 with pale skin, icy blue eyes, and a mop of white hair with blue streaks. He was wearing a blue jacket with a white fur collar, a set of dog tags on a necklace, a gray shirt, black pants with a matching leather belt, and black and white tennis shoes.
“I… I’m… human…” said Sans as he began to feel his face and body.
”Yes, Sans. You are now Samuel Gaster, a 16-year old Junior at Canterlot High School. As a matter of fact, your first day is two months from now, a few days before their First Annual Musical Showcase. Don’t worry, though Sans, you may be human, but you still have all of the abilities you had as a skeleton. And don’t worry about living arrangements,” said the Annoying Dog, answering Sans’ unasked question.
”I’ve taken care of everything, just follow the address on your motorcycle licence. Now, if I were you, I’d head up to the school. Tonight’s the Fall Formal, and it’d be a good chance for you to meet some people and make some friends. If you’ll excuse me, I must attend Gabe the Dog’s funeral. I’m the keynote speaker, as he was a close personal friend of mine.”
With a single loud bark, the Annoying Dog vanished into thin air. Sans, seeing no other option, snapped his fingers and teleported away to Canterlot High.
Canterlot High School - Gymnasium
It was 11:00 PM on a Friday night at Canterlot High School, and everybody was jamming out to the music. The music was provided by DJ-PON3, aka Vinyl Scratch, and the Thunderbolts, a garage rock band led by Flash Sentry. Among those on the dance floor was a teenage girl with lavender skin, blue hair with a pink highlight, and purple eyes. This was Twilight Sparkle, and she was, in reality, a pony princess from the alternate world of Equestria. She came here on a mission to reclaim her crown which had been stolen from her by the devious Sunset Shimmer, who would stop at what seemed like nothing to make sure she was the one who won the crown. Twilight’s crown had been mistaken as the crown given to the Princess of the Fall Formal, so she would have to compete against Sunset Shimmer for the right to wear it.
Unfortunately for Miss Shimmer, however, Twilight had managed to overcome the odds and win over the school. In the minds of most of the students, it was merely a formality that kept Twilight from her well-deserved crown.
But, that didn't keep Twilight from worrying. Not once had she seen Sunset or her flunkies, Snips and Snails that night.
"Has anybody seen Sunset Shimmer?" asked Twilight.
Nearby, a girl around the same age with cyan blue skin, a rainbow colored hairdo and rose-colored eyes made her way over to Twilight. Rainbow Dash leaned in to speak in Twilight’s ear. "Maybe she was too embarrassed to show! She's gotta know you won by a landslide!" she said.
Twilight frowned. "Yeah... Maybe," she muttered.
As Flash and his band wound down their music, Principal Celestia, a woman with chalk white skin, yellow eyes, and long hair colored bright blue, pink, and green. She gracefully walked to center stage.
"First off, I want to say how wonderful everything looks tonight. You all did a magnificent job pulling things together after the unfortunate events of earlier," said Celestia. "And now, without further ado, I'd like to announce the winner of this year's Fall Formal Crown," she continued as her sister, Vice Principal Luna, who had blue skin, shimmering blue hair, and wore a crescent moon necklace came to Principal Celestia's side. She carried a chest onto the stage that contained a golden tiara. It had a pink star-shaped gem embedded in the top, and an envelope rested on the tiara’s wooden case.
"The Princess of this year's Fall Formal is..." said Principal Celestia as she opened the envelope. Tension thick enough for a knife to cut through filled the room.
After a pause, Principal Celestia called out, “Twilight Sparkle!"
The entire student body went nuts as Twilight took the stage to receive her crown. "Congratulations, Twilight," said Celestia, placing the crown upon Twilight's head.
But, it would be a short-lived moment of glory, as in the next moment, a voice screamed.
"TWILIGHT! HELP!"
"Spike?" said Twilight, looking through the crowd until she spotted her purple and green dragon turned dog getting stolen by Snips and Snails, despite the little pup's attempts to fight back. "They've got Spike!" yelled Twilight as she jumped off the stage and took off after the dognappers, crashing into a locker as they rounded a corner.
Right behind Twilight were her friends, Rainbow Dash, a cowgirl with tan skin and blonde hair named Applejack, a beautiful fashionista with pearl white skin and curly purple hair named Rarity, a pink skinned party animal with bushy pink hair named Pinkie Pie, and a yellow skinned nature lover with light pink hair named Fluttershy. Together, the six teenagers chased Snips and Snails past Trixie as she got peanut butter crackers, out of a side entrance and around to the front of the school where a large statue of a horse was.
"That's close enough!" barked a cruel sounding voice.
That voice belonged to Sunset Shimmer, who, like Twilight, was a pony posing as a teenage girl with fiery red and yellow hair, orange skin, and light blue eyes. She was wearing a black leather jacket, a hot pink blouse, an orange, hot pink, and yellow skirt, and black and hot pink knee-length leather boots. In her hands was a sledgehammer, poised to smash the statue. The statue doubled as a portal back to Equestria, the world both Twilight and Sunset were from.
Twilight and her friends stopped dead in their tracks as Sunset got ready to swing her hammer. "Not another move, or I'll smash it!" threatened Sunset.
"Twilight-" said Spike, before Snails clamped the dog's muzzle shut.
"Don't hurt him!" said Twilight.
"Oh, I wouldn't dream of it," crooned Sunset, a smug look on her face. "I'm not a monster, Twilight. Let him go," Sunset ordered Snips and Snails, who gave her a confused look before letting the puppy go, right into the kneeling Twilight's arms.
"You don't belong here, Twilight. Give me the crown and you can go home tonight," said Sunset. She gave Twilight a false saccharine smile before continuing. "Or you can keep it, and never go home!"
Twilight and her friends gasped in horror at this ultimatum, for each option led to a devastating conclusion: if Twilight gave Sunset the crown, this world would be helpless to stop Sunset from taking over. If she refused, Equestria might not last against potentially devastating threats.
"Tick tock, Twilight. You don't have much time. The portal will be closing on its own in less than an hour," warned Sunset, jerking her head towards the slowly rising full moon in the inky blue sky.
Twilight removed the crown from her head as she tried to find the best possible solution to this problem, her eyes watering before she finally uttered one word.
"No!"
"What?!" yelled Sunset in shock. "Equestria,your friends! Lost to you, forever! Don't you see what I'm about to do to the portal?!"
"Yes, and I've also seen what you've been able to do here WITHOUT magic. Equestria will find a way to survive without my Element of Harmony. This place might not if I allow it to fall into your hands. So, go ahead, destroy the portal! You are not getting this crown!" said Twilight as she stood up and firmly placed the Element on her head.
Sunset glared at Twilight, before she dropped the sledgehammer. "Fine. You win," she said as if she couldn't care less.
Twilight smiled as her friends surrounded her cheering for her victory.
"You're so awesome!" squealed Rainbow.
"Ah can't believe you were gonna do that fer us," said Applejack with a southern drawl.
"It's no wonder you're a real live princess," said Rarity with an accent that one would expect to find amongst a group of high society people.
Unbeknownst to the group of girls, each bit of praise they gave Twilight drove Sunset closer and closer to blowing her top, until finally, with Rarity's comment, Sunset spat out in pure rage, "OH, YES, SHE'S SO VERY SPECIAL!" before she lunged at Twilight, pushing her to the ground and knocking the crown off her head.
The crown bounced one, two, three times before it landed away from them. As Twilight held onto Sunset Shimmer in an attempt to keep her from grabbing the crown, Spike leapt in and grabbed it.
Sunset Shimmer growled in rage. "Grab him, you fools!" she snarled at Snips and Snails.
On their boss' command, Snips and Snails took off after Spike, only to be out ran by Sunset herself as she chased the purple and green puppy to the front doors of the school.
"Spike! Spike!"
Hearing Rainbow's call, Spike tossed the crown to her, thus beginning one big game of keep away. Rainbow used some fancy footwork to avoid Snips and Snails, before tossing it to Fluttershy, off of whom it bounced into her hands. Upon seeing the crowd of people heading towards her, Fluttershy was immobilized by fear. A quick-thinking Applejack used a lasso, albeit from who-knew-where, and pulled Fluttershy out of the way of the mob, but also causing her to drop the Element. It was then picked up by Snips, only for it to be snatched by Pinkie Pie, who then passed it along to Applejack. It was thrown to Rarity, who chucked it at Twilight, and she threw it directly over her head.
"I'll take that!" said Sunset as she caught the crown out of the air. Giggling crazily, Sunset grinned as she looked at the crown in her hands. "At last... more power than I could ever imagine!"
With that, Sunset Shimmer placed the crown upon her head. Almost instantly, powerful waves of magical energy came roaring through Sunset's body as she held onto the crown for dear life, before a powerful blast of magical energy lifted her into the air, transforming her orange skin into a blood red color, a tail and leathery black and red wings grew out from her back, her hands turned into razor-sharp claws, as well as drawing the whole school out to watch the spectacle.
Where only a moment before stood a beautiful teenage girl now hovered a raging she-demon.
As Sunset looked over her new form, she let out a demonic laugh, before turning Snips and Snails into demons themselves.
"This is gonna be SO cool!" giggled Demon-Snips as Demon-Snails hissed at the girls, who slowly backed up, ready to fight them off if they had to.
Meanwhile, Sunset Shimmer had turned her attention to the frightened school people. "I've had to jump through so many hoops tonight, just to get my hands on this crown, when it really should've been mine all along!" said Sunset, her voice now dark and demonic. "But let's let bygones be bygones. I am your princess now! And you will. Be loyal. To ME!"
On her last words, Sunset used her dark magic to tear a gaping hole in the front of the school entrance causing the gathered students to panic and flee in terror. Nobody got very far however, before Sunset used her magic again, this time to brainwash them into becoming her mindless minions.
"Round them up and bring them to the portal," Sunset ordered Snips and Snails, who saluted and left to do Sunset's bidding. Sunset, meanwhile, attended to the teenage girls and dog outside. "Spoiler alert: I was bluffing when I said I was going to destroy the portal. I don't want to rule this pathetic little high school! I want Equestria! And with my own little teenage army behind me, I'm going to get it!"
Twilight gave a small gasp of shock when she spotted Flash Sentry among the zombified crowd, before she regained her firm stance. "No. You're not!" she said.
"Oh, please! What exactly are you going to do to stop me?! I have magic, and you have NOTHING!"snarled Sunset, her hair momentarily turning into a tongue of actual fire.
"She has us!" said Rainbow Dash as she and the others ran up to stand behind Twilight, who looked back behind her and smiled.
Sunset glared at the ensemble before laughing. "Gee, the gang really is all back together again!" she chuckled, wiping a tear from her eye, before charging up a massive ball of fire. "Now, step aside! Twilight has tried to interfere with my plans one too many times already! She needs to be dealt with!"
With that, Sunset launched the fireball at Twilight, her friends tried to shield her from the attack only for the fireball to increase in size. However, before it could hit them, a bone appeared out of thin air and took the blast.
”Huh?! What?!” snarled Sunset, looking wildly around. ”Who dares defy the Princess?!”
“I dare.”
Out of the shadows emerged what looked like a teenage boy of around 16 or 17 with pale skin, icy blue eyes, and a mop of white hair with blue streaks. He was wearing a blue jacket with a white fur collar, a set of dog tags on a necklace, a gray shirt, black pants with a matching leather belt, and black and white tennis shoes. A bold grin was on his face.
”Who the hell are you?! And what’s with the grin?” snarled Sunset.
The boy chuckled. “Life’s been good to me. Name’s Samuel Gaster, but everybody calls me Sans. And it looks like I’m gonna have to knock some sanity into ya. I’d take cover if I were you." Sans said to the group of six girls.
“Now hold on just a minute, who the hay are you and what are you doing here?” said Twilight.
"And what makes you think you can give us orders?!" demanded Rainbow Dash.
“I just said, my name's Samuel Gaster, but you can call me Sans. As for what makes me think I can give you orders, perhaps you'd rather I let her vaporize you? Now get behind some cover," said Sans before summoning what looked like a large animal skull. The skull, called a Gaster-Blaster, fired and energy blast at the six girls, blasting a hole in the ground directly in front of their feet. "Now."
The girls and dog gulped in terror before darting off to find some place to hide.
"As for you, my she-demon friend..." Sans said, looking Sunset Shimmer dead in the eye. “As for you… you’re gonna have a bad time.”
Sunset snarled and yelled, "Get him, you fools!”
“On it, Your Majesty!” said Demon-Snails before he and Demon-Snips attempted to bum-rush Sans, who merely summoned two Gaster-Blasters and opened fire, sending the two henchmen flying through the school and out the other side, angering Sunset Shimmer.
”Kneel before Sunset!” the she-demon yelled before firing a blast of dark magic at Sans who merely teleported out of the way and re-appeared in midair, a few bones aimed at Sunset.
“Take this!” yelled Sans, launching the bones.
Sunset was able to avoid the first two, but the third was able to catch her in the chest, knocking her out of the sky and onto the ground. As Sunset pulled herself up out of the ground, she noticed that she felt drained and weak, almost like she’d been poisoned somehow.
”Gragh! What did you do to me?!” snarled Sunset.
"Oh, that. That’s a little specialty of mine called Karmic Retribution. Basically, it takes all those sins you’ve got crawling on your back and makes them like a poison. Don’t worry, though, you won’t die. I’ve no intentions to kill you. I’m just trying to knock some sanity back into you," said Sans as he landed back on the ground.
Sunset snarled and fired multiple beams of dark magic at Sans, who teleported out of the way of each and every one, getting closer to Sunset with each warp.
"Ally Oop!" said Sans as he warped over Sunset’s head and stomped on it. Growling in anger, Sunset delivered a vicious backhand to Sans, which sent him flying into the wall.
“And now we end this!” snarled Sunset as she charged up a beam of magic… or at least tried to and failed. "Wha-? Where?" Sunset said, feeling her head for the crown, which had vanished from her head.
“Lose something?” asked Sans, a grin on his face as he tossed what was unmistakably Twilight’s crown back to the group of girls who stood up to Sunset. Rainbow Dash caught it effortlessly.
“No! No!” said Sunset Shimmer as her voice returned to normal, her body following suit as her spells began to fade away.
“And now…” said Sans, jumping into the air and summoning one of his Gaster-Blasters.
“Geeeeeeettttt dunked on!”
The beam of energy from Sans’ Gaster-Blaster drove nailed the weakening Sunset and created a large crater in front of the school. Sunset Shimmer, now back to normal, briefly opened her eyes and tried to pull herself up, only to pass out again.
"Well, that takes care of that. See you all in a couple weeks!" said Sans as he teleported away.
Twilight and her friends gathered around the crater where Sunset Shimmer lay.
“Talk about ending the party with a bang,” said Spike.
“I’ll say. Who was that guy? Where did he come from? And where did he get those weapons?” said Twilight.
"Yer guess is as good as ours, Twilight. But, shouldn't ya'll get goin' back home? That there portal is gonna close soon," said Applejack.
Twilight sighed. As much as she wanted to investigate that mysterious Sans character, she knew that she had a duty to Equestria that came first. Besides, her friends there needed her too. "I need to ask you girls a favor.”
"Sure, Twilight, anythin," said Applejack.
“I need you to look after Sunset Shimmer. Something tells me she doesn’t know the first thing about friendship, but you can teach her. And I have a feeling that she’s gonna need friends more than ever after this.”
“You can count on us, Twilight!” said Rainbow Dash. The rest of the group nodded in agreement and made noises of consent.
“However, I do expect some sort of apology for last Spring’s debacle,” said Rarity.
Twilight and Spike chuckled. Spike pulled on Twilight’s stocking and pointed at the moon. “Looks like it’s time for us to go.” Twilight said sadly.
The six friends group hugged one last time, before Twilight and Spike departed through the portal concealed inside the statue. Pinkie Pie attempted to run after them, only to run face-first into stone.
“Aw, bummer!” said Pinkie Pie.
Canterlot City - Alleyway between 5th and 7th street
Almost the very same instant as Sans appeared out of thin air, a wave of nausea and weakness washed over him, causing him to fall flat onto his face.
Strange... never had this before. Then again, I was never a human before either, thought Sans as he began to crawl further into the alleyway and managed to pull himself up to rest on the wall. Closing his eyes for a moment, Sans mind began to race
Summoning my Gaster-Blasters and bones never took that much effort before either, nor did my teleportation... maybe this new body needs to adapt to my powers before I can do any serious dunking. Wonder how long that's gonna take. More importantly, I wonder what happens next in this new life of mine, thought Sans before he chuckled a little. What was going to happen next was anyone's guess, but he knew one thing for sure. The Fallen Child was coming.
And Sans needed to be ready.
I like. Keep up the good work.
Hello. I'd like to take some time to look over this story and provide some hopefully useful critique and insight. Bear in mind, I'm no professional reviewer; I'm a writer like yourself. Before I dive in, though, I'd like to address the description of this story first.
So you've got a pretty large chunk of text here which, in some cases, isn't so bad. You provide enough details that show you thought about at least the backstory of this, well, story. However, you also have already summed up pretty much the entire opening act (presumably; I haven't looked at the chapter yet, so this judgement could be skewed). Sans is dead. What killed him? We don't know. Our natural inclination is to wonder if you're going to address that in the story (which I hope you do). Moving on, though, this line here starts to turn me away:
For one, regardless of whether or not this is a Displaced Crossover, having the main character automatically be the "star of a sport" and dating "the sport/popular girl" is a very, very cliche trope. One that, I would imagine, is 1) hard to write adequately, and 2) is hard to overcome its natural bias. From a content standpoint, you provide a little too much and unnecessary detail regardless of the above observation. We don't need to know that Rainbow is the captain of every girls' sports team. That bit of detail doesn't draw me in; it's exposition for the sake of exposition. It adds nothing intriguing to it.
Since "problems" is plural, "there's" should actually be split into "there are." If you want to play grammar hard-ball, I'd suggest you add an "and" right before even. And, since Sans is a singular name, you have to add an apostrophe s to it, as in:
Not
Whatever else I might have to say about the description would just be me nitpicking which, while humorous to a point, I feel isn't as good as solid criticism and advice. Therefore, without further ado (two transitional phrases? I must be really sick), I'll dive into the first chapter and see what I can find.
im gona enjoy this
not bad.
wat
At first I didn't thought it was a good idea to show both moments from the show and the game, but then again it describes what happened really good to those who doesn't know the game, I just wished there would have been more because I already know the show and the game.
Well not sure if Sans should have let them do the final hit only to not appear OP already and held back a bit. That would maybe even have given them some training for upcoming fights in which they probably will have to help him as much as they can.
Then again Sans doesn't knows anything about them.
I'm just glad that you actually show how everything happens instead of starting the story with Rainbow Dash already being his girlfriend.
I can tell you already, I like slow build up romances at least something that I can believe since I'm not always into love at first sight.
If that happens I would like it if Rainbow or someone else is getting them together, I just think it happens to often that the main char is the weird one and the one having the bigest crush. (Not sure if it is still like that through).
Since I just believe they are only together in the end of the story or near it, I already want to ask for a sequel in which you can show us a bit how you think they would act after starting their relationship, maybe Sans even finds someone to adopt.
I'm curious how or what you are planning to do with the Sans X Toriel shipping there if he is going to be the Girlfriend for Rainbow, could it be that you just have planned something like a sad reunion since they probably have to left again? (I think the description gave me the idea that every Undertale Char is going to appear in this story.
I would love Sans to be nearly or at least the same amount of akward as Pinkie in way.
Okay I guess you can see already that I like to plan a bit, to make some suggestions. I guess everyone would like to have the story happen like they prefer it, but it is yours and I only hope for the best while waiting for another chapter.
It happens often enough that after I had read 20 chapters, that suddenly the author does something that makes the story look bad in my eyes, but I guess then it still entertained me for a while.
Okay good work so far, I stop know or this ends up in me talking nonsense.
7970204
Well, Toriel was Sans crush from The Underground, but she's dead now, so Sans X Toriel is just and implied shipping.
7970213 aaahhh okay I thought you would make them all appear again.
Well the only thing I would like to say is..and I hope you don't understand it wrong...
I hope that you aren't going to start more stories than you can handle. I don't know how much freetime you have, but I have seen it a few times that some or one special author has over 50 stories from which 30 are probably not every finished, at least 20 are still open.
The thing is even if no one can force you to write a story, I think that it isn't exactly helping to get fans if a story takes two years to get updated and no one remembers what even happened at some point or the hype for the story is over and it somehow doesn't works anymore if you know what I mean. Sorry I maybe overreact a bit, but sometimes if I see something similar to a few problems I have seen on this side so far, then I start to write about it right away and hope it maybe prevents something bad to happen (at least in my eyes, something bad for me could be something good for you).
I totally missed that Twilight ran into the stone.
Normally, this isn't really my kinda story, but...
The Offspring are too good to ignore.
Right off the bat... this is an issue. This is what I call narrative exposition, and the worst kind, at that. You throw all these details in without giving us a chance to breathe. You summed up, once again, the description of your story which, once again, summed up an unnecessary amount of the story itself. You've got to work on openings to a story; you can't just throw all this "Hi, this is me, and I was this and now I am this" at us.
Granted, I'm not much of a crossover or Displaced expert nor reader, but I do know that one of the key components is making it so that the reader knows just enough about the crossover subject to get invested; and that those who aren't aren't going to be pounded by detail on detail regarding that subject. Much like in any story, you have to set up the world without so blatantly telling it. That includes the backstory of your story's premise.
Like, for instance:
Here is how you really do set up the story. You've got us focused on right where the conflict begins (or, if the tone says anything, where one conflict ends). The second paragraph exposes us to what happened through observational insight on behalf of Sans himself. In general, I think that these two work better as your opening. You don't need that italicized text in the beginning. Nonetheless, there are some errors that I need to address.
Firstly, you very directly describe the character of Sans by stating simply what he wore and how he looked. This is the easiest method of description but, once again, it violates the better rule of "showing" rather than "telling." Half of those details aren't important to know. Your audience is, presumably, Undertale fans; it follows that they know what Sans looks like. For the part of your audience that isn't knowledgeable about Undertale, you want to keep description flowing but not so stagnant and stiff like you have here. Don't just say "he wore x y and z and they were the color of b v and f." Describe, perhaps, a reflection of the skeleton coming off of some rain water that had trickled in from a crack in the ceiling. Perhaps, by mentioning how his breathing was slow and hitched every so often, you convey that he's tired without directly saying he's tired.
However, I will say this: I like this part of that same section:
The same, general type of description notwithstanding, there is this sense that something is missing: and that's good. The open locket is a clear thematic motif that conveys a feeling of emptiness, even though there's something inside it. Yet "traces of dust" convey this idea that something old passed on. Traces are very small, so it stands to reason that nothing was left behind. That then means that the open silver locket with the photo must be truly meaningful. It is thus implied that the two are linked well before you establish that at the very end.
Moving on, we find this doozy:
There should be a comma after "afterwards."
Saying directly that Toriel was his crush isn't exactly reflective of what you said in your description: that Toriel x Sans is implied.
After "Toriel," you've got this big run-on sentence that just sounds... bad. The puddle cannot "follow" after "remains." The verb you need here should correlate to "found;" so, words such as "saw," "discovered;" in another sense, words that show that Sans is there and experiences everything. Now, I would also recommend that you end after "dust" and start a new sentence there. Perhaps you could begin with "It had once been..." Then you should remove the "followed by" after "Undying," and then after "Alphys," add "and." (This is basic list structure, and while I know that you can do lists without using "and," the way the sentence sounds means that that won't sound better.)
In fact, you've got an enormous case of using so many run-ons that it's not stylistically imperative; it's structurally detrimental. Case in point:
Don't describe Frisk mid-battle. Describe them when they show up.
Wait. Hang on a second.
*Goes back to description*
You said that "Undertale belongs to: The Annoying Dog."
But Undertale, I thought, belongs to Toby Fox. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Again, bear in mind what I've said before about description.
Alright. Now I'm kind of getting annoyed. See that? That's both a run-on, needlessly heavy on exposition, highly-direct-describing sentence. In fact, it is so long that it might as well not be a sentence. Can you please at least split it up?
Oh, and we know who Sunset and Twilight are. We're bronies; we see this shit and we know this shit. You don't have to be so... blatant in telling us the source material. We know.
Where to start?
I've been down this path before; I know exactly how you want to set this up. it's supposed to be an epic confrontation, with the guy saving the girl. I get that. That's something that we all probably have struggle with in the past when it came to starting out. Given ultra powerful characters and OCs, we'd want them to act this way. And yes, I acknowledge that Sans is pretty powerful. I get that.
But... come on, man, could not make it sound so cringey?
Twilight does not sound like that. At all. Ever. She'd be just as confused as Sunset upon seeing Sans, I would imagine. There should be more time, I'll argue, spent showing us what is happening and how the other characters act and react. We're not seeing things from Sans perspective in the beginning, so why should we jump to his all of a sudden if we were trapped in Twilight's?
I also know that there is no proper way to convey exactly how cringey this sounds. Usually I call it the "inner voice" judge. Intuition and practice can allow anyone to "hear" how their writing sounds. The tone it conveys, the sound it makes when you say it in your mind, the mere emotions that thinking about it brings, can all be judged in this way. But the way you just had Sans showed up just makes this inner voice shiver uneasily.
But, finally, we reach the ending:
Please excuse me if I sound sour; I've got a bad cough that isn't making my patience much better.
But it makes no sense to me for Twilight not to give a damn about what the flying fuck just happened in front of her. She's smart; she'd want to figure out what the heck was that. That's in her nature, regardless of where she is, pony dimension or not.
And I hate to say this, but the whole way you set up Sunset being redeemed here? It's awful. The movie (yes, the original, kinda crappy original EqG movie) did a better job here than you did. At least it tried to make it seem like there was an impact. You just rushed through it like it was nothing.
That isn't how you end a chapter; that's how you end a comedy. There's no sense of "oh, wait, there's more? I can't wait!" You just end it right here and there. Why not add in a part with Sans now ruminating over what he did, and what's next for him in this new life? The point I'm trying to make is that you need to make it so that the reader asks "what comes next?" and not "Alright, time to pack it up and go home."
Here's something that concerns me: Sans being in the EqG world with these immense powers. You say that all of his powers are restored? Well, what chance does the rest of the world have against him? Sans literally breaks walls in space and time to attack, pulling bones out of nowhere and those Gaster Blaster things out of nowhere. If he has all this power, then that makes him dangerous. And in having all this immense power, does that not constitute him as being OP? Yes, he's a high schooler. But he's also a high schooler who can summon metaphysical bones and attack others. That's no high schooler. That's an OP character through and through.
You need to give him limits. It doesn't matter if that is the fact that he's in another dimension which makes accessing the tools necessary to create his attacks harder, or that his body suffers from not being able to cope with all that power inside. Sans should not be this overly powerful took of destruction to throw at every problem that the HuMane Six face. That detracts from the continuity and it detracts from his character. If Sans can easily take on Sunset Shimmer's demon form, then it stands to reason that he can take on the Sirens easily, and Twilight Sparkle just as easily. So then what's the point of having the others around if he can do all that? You've gone and taken the HuMane Six, Sunset's redemption, and her ascension into a better person and as a symbol of overcoming personal struggles, and thrown it all away, replacing it with Sans's OP-level.
Long story short: your story needs a lot of work. You've broken some of the basic fundamentals of writing. Whether you excuse that as ignorance or as style points doesn't matter, because it detracts from the overall experience and makes it hard to read.
Again, I'm not a reviewer. I'm a writer much like yourself. I'm still learning along the way, and I'm still searching for ways to improve my work.
But if you're going around saying that you're an amazing writer, then I'm sorry, but you better be prepared to defend that title with your life's work. And sadly, in this story, I'm just not seeing it.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
7970301
You should give yourself a little more credit, you did a great job breaking down issues and giving advice, just one thing to mention. A general rule of thumb for crossovers is to describe all characters. Sure this is primarily an Equestria Girls fic, but someone can come in from the Undertale side of things, especially if it isn't solely on this site.
7970301
7970344
He's right. You did a good job at diagnosing the flaws in my designs, and most importantly, you weren't a duchebag about it. If you weren't a reviewer before now, you oughta be!
7970344 Oh, no, I understand the need to describe everyone. I'm saying that it shouldn't be done in such a plain way.
7970350
There are other ways to go about describing characters that don't succumb to stiff style syndrome. One of my personal favorites is what I call the "mirror method." Using some sort of reflective surface (such as mirrors, pools, etc), you have it so that the reflection "stares" back at the character. You describe the reflection as such: "An image of a skeleton, stained in sweat, stared back." It takes a little work to make it not sound rusty, but it is one of the more solid ways of description.
Another way is more subtle. You don't describe the character at all in the beginning. Instead, throughout the first part of the story (usually the first chapter), you gradually give out details by way of either dialogue, the "mirror method," or some other way that is outside of the character. This is especially how I like to describe a character's personality, especially with how they might act with others.
While I appreciate your praise, I really don't consider myself a reviewer. I prefer the term "reader." I've been on this road before. I've read a lot and written a lot. I've learned some things on instinct, or on demand, or with a bit of help and research. It's not so much that I have experience; it's more that I am experienced.
This was gold , don't let anyone tell you otherwise, like , add to bookshelve , check double check. I can't wait to see where this goes
7970289 My feelings about The Offspring are along similar lines, so I have to ask, what did you think of that album?
Likewise, to the author; what made you pick a track from Rise & Fall, Rage & Grace?
7970487
I don't know, it seemed like a good song for Sans.
7970489 Interesting choice, a song which I'm fairly sure is about stirring up hate mobs and generally manipulating popular opinion to bring down people you don't like.
Sounds like The Dazzlings with even more Mean Girls, if the character can live up to that then he could be amazing.
7970526
Well, I guess he can because...
You have my attention. Looking forward to the next chapter.
This is gonna be good. That is all.
Sans the skeleton. "Easiest enemy in the game"(Will kick your ass 90000+ ways from Sunday) now with the ability to handle determination... Welp, best Idea for a story I've seen. This is gonna be amazing to watch.
First of all.
The only reason I'm reading this is because I'm a sucker for Undertale.
Second of all...
Try not to use so many "said"s. Just a suggestion.
Of course Sans will like basketball. Is he also a trumpet player?
Overall, this has potential, but has some issues with suspension and pacing. This one chapter could have been several, emphasizing more of the character's decisions, thoughts, feelings, the like. Even the battle scene itself could have been more drawn out and detailed to the point of its own chapter. The chapter beforehand could have brought on some suspension to the reader if it left it off just right before the battle, adding just the right amount of detail to be intriguing but not to much to give anything away, whilst also keeping the reader hooked and wanting to know more.
Eh, why not.
7970779 Nu, let him be a trombone player...
The dunk is strong with this one
Hope to read more from this soon.
You have so many other unfinished stories, e.g
DARK
Assassin Verse
In Brightest Night, In Darkest Day
and
The Dreambender.
And those are only a few. Why don't you continue one of many unfinished stories of yours before posting yet another?
I like this, a lot
7972468
Exactly! I was really hoping to see where DARK was going!
7972973 I liked it, but I was waiting for Dreambender. An excellent concept wrapped in good writing.
7973107
I still like that one.
7970301
Made the edits. Hopefully I did everything okay.
7970985
favoritememes.com/_nw/29/90303088.jpg
7976007
I'm assuming that this part is intended as a joke. If it isn't, well, you've got some fact-checking to be doing, buddy, particularly in regards more to the Undertale part of this description.
7978713
Well, fun fact: The Annoying Dog IS Toby Fox. Or at least, the in-game representation of him. Here, check out this video:
7973447 Yeah. Unluckily, the Joker person doesn't actually listen to people.
7978820 IT'S A GIF.
7998782
You should've seen the comment we responded to first.
7998793 Umm... It was supposed to be a bit of humor.. Strange star wars reference, and slightly based off of the little meme you had.