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All-OC Stories2,897 stories ·2,263 members

The Immortal Mare

Source

A short story of the journey to live forever

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 3 )

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Night Of The Roses

Night Of The Roses #1 · Feb 15th, 2017 · · ·

I like it! Good job!

silvadel

silvadel #2 · Feb 15th, 2017 · · ·

It was a tomb, much like The Immortal (tome).

It would look better and get a better reception if the paragraphs had empty lines between them.

All in all a good story except for the ending. It could have been made scarier if that is what you wanted(her body aging before her eyes -- the crown falling to the floor -- cobblestone picking it back up), or it could have had some kind of understanding and grace about it, but as it stood it just was there.

Alazak

Alazak #3 · Feb 15th, 2017 · · ·

7949340 Thanks for that catch BTW The spaces didn't transfer from word properly but their fixed now.
The end was Wanda placing the crown on Lydias head. Think of the crown more like a parasite. The spirit of the Immortal Mare exists with in it and she hops from horse to horse to extend her life. I'll have to go back and see if it's written wrong. But thank you for the read.