Oh to be Old Again

by Minalkra

1 - Anyone Get the Number of that Bus?

Have you ever woken up somewhere you don't recognize? I have, once before. There was a very strange party thrown together by my aunt, you see, and … actually, in the interest of not making half of my audience run away screaming, let's just say I woke up with a massive headache and a rather upset wife. And the sheep, oh god the sheep. This time was not all that different, discounting the screaming. And that blasted sheep. Headache? Check. Dry mouth? Check. Upset stomach? Check. Beeping? Uhm, that one is new.

"That musta been one hell of a party," I groaned, trying to open my caked-shut eyes. With a wince, I managed to open them only to slam them shut again with a strangely high pitched cry. Light, ever the bane of the hungover. Still rubbing my eyes, I heard a distinct clop-clop-clopping sound of something hard striking the floor.

"Oh good, he's awake." Squinting against the light, I could see a white blur approaching wherever I was laying. As it got closer, it became more defined and I couldn't help but feel my jaw almost dislocate from the shock. Now, I have to say right here and now: I am a Brony. I'm a bit on the 'old' side as Bronies go though not the oldest. Still, I hit the triple decade mark a bit ago so I guess that makes me one of the older ones of that fandom. And, as all old farts will tell you, I've seen a bit in my time. Never something that could prepare me for this though.

"Pony?" The white-coated and pink-maned mare in front of me nodded at my squeak with an ever present smile on her face. As I stared at her, I noticed things that - at the time - seemed so odd. Their pelts, for example, are like real pelts. Each hair is separate and real. And they're not all one color, the fur itself has shade. Depth. Each hair of the mane flowed like a human hair would, though my present example had her hair in a bun under her nurses hat. It was so real. She was alive. Yet, something was definitely 'off' about her. Her head was large. Yes that was what they were in the show but to see it in reality threw every pony right into the Uncanny Valley. Her eyes. Massive didn't even begin to describe them. 'Ginormous' fit I guess. I couldn't even think of them as orbs in any sense of the word. Man, ponies are hella creepy when you think about it.

I must have been staring at her with the most confused expression ever because she seemed to have noticed. She gave me a big, warm smile - at least it would have been warm had it not been given by some Lovecraftian horror. I rapidly shifted my eyes away from her face, taking in my spartan surroundings. A hospital room painted a very light shade of blue, curtains drawn open to let in the full blast of that most hated of objects, the sun. The heart monitor beeping its little mechanical heart out next to me explained the noise that woke me up, at least. An IV seemed to be stuck in one of my … legs. Other than that, a way-too-human chair and a small tray filled with medical detritus the room was pretty dang empty. And it smelled of 'sanitation.'

"Yup, you're safe here now, little one. Do you know where you are?" It, er, she was still giving me that creepy smile. I'm going to call it warm for now. Yeah, we'll go with warm. At my way-too-energetic head shake, her smile just grew wider. Shudder. "Well, you're in Ponyville General Hospital after a group of foals found you at the edge of Whitetail Woods. Can you tell me what happened?" Suddenly, something clicked in my head.

"Little one?" I knew for a fact my voice sounded really squeaky and I probably sounded like an absolute idiot but at the time I was a bit preoccupied. I looked down at my hands WHERE DID MY HANDS GO?! Why no hands? Why is the hands gone? Instead of hands, two stumpy light blue things stared back at me. Metaphorically, of course. Having eyes down there would be weird. I think I was beginning to hyperventilate and I looked back up at the nurse with the tears forming in my eyes. I think it was shock. I started to mouth the word 'hands' over and over again in some vain hope that I could summon them by the power of repetition and hope. The nurse - whose 'cutie mark' seemed to be a Swiss Cross for some reason - blinked slightly at me. I didn't even want to try to imagine the mathematics behind that particular physical feat. Seriously, where are their eyelids?!

"Well, I'm sorry. I, well, yes. You're a little colt. Do, do you remember your name?" Her concerned look did not dissuade me from responding as I feel any sane man would at that particular bit of news.

I don't think she expected the torrent of filthy language that left my very small muzzle at that point in time.

---

"Now then, Mr. Dirtymouth, what do we say?"

"Ach, ptew. Stuff it! Oh no GHGHGBLGUBLGLUBGLUB ptew, ptew!" Soap has never been my favored flavor but whatever they put in hospital soap sure as hell makes it taste nastier than regular stuff. Also, Earth Ponies are STRONG. I was currently being lifted by the scruff of my neck and held over a hospital bathroom sink as this pony nurse tried to 'scrub out all those nasty dirty words,' as she put it. She was also holding my bag of IV fluid above her head and had been pumping soap into my forced open muzzle with her own mouth for a good five minutes. Seriously, who knew ponies had the same curse words as humans? Or the same language, for that matter. Regardless, with me having swallowed a metric ton of that foul stuff (on an empty stomach and with a very dry throat), I figured it was time to play nice with the twice-my-size-could-probably-cave-my-head-in mare that I had inadvertently - and after this had begun, purposefully - royally pissed off.

"Ok, uncle! Uncle! I give!" Thrashing about in her biologically improbable strong grip seemed to get my point across more than the foaming and spitting attempt at language and I was dropped on my rump with absolutely no dignity. It's the little things, ya know? I'm guessing she didn't want me yanking out the needle burrowed into the crook of my, uh, leg. Her managing three things at once while yelling at me and keeping me under some semblance of control was just another quirk of biology that I just did not want to try to wrap my head around. Hey biologists? You think a fly flying is something really hard to figure out? Try figuring out how to hold things with HOOVES.

"What do we say?" The angry eyeball she was giving me caused me to shiver slightly. The horror … In response to the monstrosity before me, I laid my ears back and hiccoughed a bubble. Yeah, I was really heaping on the sad puppy dog eyes as best I could. As long as they thought I was a foal, I'd resort to foal tricks. Though, let's be honest, I was probably just reacting to the Unnamable Thing in front of me.

"I, I don't know miss. I'm sorry?" I must have had a bigger effect on her than I thought because the next thing I knew, I was being hugged very hard. Did I mention Earth Ponies are strong? Yeah. That earned her a few bubbles in the mane. She didn't seem to mind. With a gasping breath, I caught a wiff of her scent … she smelled like a clean horse. They do not smell like vanilla, lavender, or any of that other crazy stuff. Just horse. Clean, but horse.

"I'm so sorry, little one. But we can't have a young colt like you growing up thinking it's ok to use that language." After a minute of me trying very hard to breathe properly, she set me down - gently this time - and smiled at me. "Let's get back to what we were doing before, hmm?"

I nodded, looking purposefully down at the ground. That face. And hey, you gotta use the tools you're given, though, am I right? I thought that if I looked dejected enough, she'd go easy on me. Guilt, one of the few things a kid can do really well.

She led me back into the hospital room and helped me up onto the bed again. I stumbled a bit, of course. Having suddenly double the legs and the coordination of a child would have done that. Not that she knew any of that as she was looking very concerned by that point. Where was that concern when she was pumping my poor aching stomach full of antibacterial soap? I had half a mind to vomit but I don't think that would help with the taste.

Having settled into the bed as best I could, I then lost all faith in the pony race. Poked, prodded, PROBED. Do they really not know of oral thermometers or was this some sort of revenge of hers? And, of course, we were both nude. Yeah, the last of my dignity was lost that day. I had a fetish, at one point in time. It's gone now. Thanks creepy Nurse! And all through this, she was peppering me with questions.

"Do you remember your name?" Evidently, Bruce is not a very 'pony' name. "Who are your parents?" Neither are 'Edward' nor 'Clarice.' "Your school?" 'Polytechnic' anything just got a chuckle. Obviously missing was 'profession,' 'address,' and 'I hoped you liked dinner before I violated you.' Again, thanks Nurse.

"Well, you rest up a bit, uhm, 'Bruce.' I'll go get the doctor." She patted my head, though I tried to keep her at a good arm's, er, leg's length away. Besides, I had just been stuffed full of semi-poisonous soap water, poked with half a dozen needles and had the last shred of my male dignity destroyed in front of my eyes all perpetrated by an Elder One of aeons past. And to think I once thought ponies potentially 'hot.' I was not in a touchy mood.

"Can I have a glass of water at least?" With my fresh glass of clean, pure, un-suddsy water in my hooves, somehow, I awaited the doctor with bated and bubbly breath.

Comments

[Mr Ignorable]

Dah, is okay. Problem is: HIE. Expect people with less remorse to downvote the fuck outta yer story.

[Dragon Emperor Geon]

845048 Unlike me? It's my specialty. I'll look at it.

EDIT: Well, there are no Walls of text, no glaring grammar issues, might be going a little fast for my taste (Reason below) but so far, it's a decent story. Might not catch too much attention, but I enjoy what character I'm following so far.

Of course, I never really cared for the whole "Turned into a pony" thing, I'll let this one slide. I hope, though, that later in the story, the reasoning behind his existence and transformation is BELIEVABLE.

Seriously, better not be "Oh, I just died and went there," or "I was dragged into a random portal! By Twilight Sparkle! On Accident!" Remember: In order to make this WORK, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, must be believable. Whether it would Be Discord wanting a quick laugh, or some other witty remark.

I'll follow this along, and see where it goes.

[Mr Ignorable]

845073 All yours bud. I'm just the harbinger

[Dragon Emperor Geon]

845079 And done. My small thoughts are up top.

I'll give it a chance, it;s not mind-breaking, but so far, it's charming in a sense.

[The Gargoyle]

Great start, Like how he keeps using his real name. And when you think about it the Ponies would look real scary if seen in real life with those proportions.

Can't wait to see where this goes.

[Alaborn]

Unless he's been eating worms, his breath is bated, not baited.

[thelazycommenter]

interesting...

I like it!

[Minalkra]

I apologize for the lateness of my reply, I was at work and could not respond.

845073
An attempt at human scientific teleportation rips the 'weave' of our universe, spilling into the Void. As nothing can exist therein - not even time - it in effect creates a tunnel to Equestria, bridging the way ... no, not really. I haven't the foggiest as yet. It's definitely not 'oh hey heaven' nor will it be Twilight's mismanagement of her own abilities. I'd like to think Celestia's teaching is more comprehensive than that. And as for the speed, well, this is 'random douche in Equestria.' I'm not going for any extreme moodiness nor in-depth look at the whys and wherefores of the land. It's meant to be lighthearted. A test, if you will, of my own ability. I'm failing but then again, I failed many classes in high school as well, so eh.

845199
"It's Bruce! Bruce! Not 'Lightfoot von Horseapple' you thick - OW, That's my ear! Stop yanking, you jerk!"

845288
Well, while drunk I personally have been known to be ... experimental in my own cuisine so maybe he has? Not really, thank you for pointing that out.

[VocApple]

MOAR

[s00perguy]

Jeez, Min, it's been forever since I saw a new bit from you. Awesome to see a new story. Been forever since i saw a good HiE. Looking forward to it. Get back to ya tomorrow.

[Crinos321]

Did you look at this pic and say, "hey I could make a story about this and cause nightmares for small children at the same time!"

cdn.derpiboo.ru/thumbs/1543/765/2012/07/02/21_29_41_509_29116__safe_princess_celestia_creepy_artist_imalou

[Minalkra]

846868
Did you ask your parent's permission before getting on the internet? Also, I've never seen that picture in my life. That is horrifying.

846799
Eh, I've been writing things. Just nothing presentable.

[Crinos321]

847238
Yes I called them across country, just to get there permission to use the internet....

Edit: (dammit now I'm sounding all butthurt) I have an unatrally high voice for someone my age it just gets to me sometimes lol) anyway its a great start, going for the uncanny valley approach I haven't seen that done, I hope to see more soon

[Minalkra]

847272
Oh, sorry. I was implying it gave you nightmares or something. It was funny in my head, less so in text format. Quite like this story! Ah well. Didn't mean to offend. I just don't know what went wrong. Actually, I do know what went wrong. I opened my mouth.

[s00perguy]

847238 ah. I know that feel. Though it's less presentability, more "EVERYTING MUST BE IN ZE PERFECT PLACE!" so I've been editing everything, not to mention reviewing stuff. More specifically, as of last night, your stuff. So here's the review I wrote.
I. Fucking. Lol-ed. SO DAMN FUNNY! When he started swearing, it was absolutely PRICELESS! Watching this fic like a psycho stalker.  
Damn. That was REALLY GOOD. Simple premise, simple motivations. I liked it. Naturally I'm used to expansive, 20-part, interconnected fics with around 50 k plus words in them... But this one will do too...
Anyway, since my comment is unnaturally short, considering I usually drop off an essay, I've decided to give you a taste of my rhymes. Mostly because I'm bored, but also because I want to put off writing the story that has plagued me for 3 weeks. So here it is:
I've read every fic you have, though they are not many
So here are my thoughts, you needn't pay a penny
I've seen only one more fic about a potty mouth child
I read "of insults" by RavensDagger, isn't that wild?
It looks like the story is going well, see what you do
I'll be anxiously looking forward to "old again" part two.
I hope I have not bored you with my little rhyme
It looks, sadly, as though I'm all out of time.
*gracious bow*

[Mr AJ]

847238 Agreed. If I were to wake up in a bed in some other world and saw that looking at me, they would need new sheets. On the other hand, I now have something to terrorize my neighbor with. img.ponibooru.org/_images/ad66e996a38fe841faeab3011be4215e/158663%20-%20Adventure_Time%20animated%20animation%20Artist%3ACuppaTease%20celestia%20creepy%20Molestia%20Princess_molestia.gif

[Minalkra]

850626
... you're exuberant. Thanks for reading! I have no idea what that 'Of Insults' thing is, is it any good?

850750
All you pic posters need to stop making me want to change the fic pic. I'd post the one with the Apple family eating meat but, uh, it's too far removed from the tone I'm going for. Less 'Mountains of Madness' and more 'Molehills of Slight Discomfort.'

And to all those who fav'd and watched, uhm, thanks. I had no idea this, of all things, would be my most watched fic. Gives me impetus to continue, I s'pose.

[s00perguy]

852104 it's about Pipsqueak getting his cutie mark, which represents making people cry. it's a really good foray into emotion. give it a rea if you have any time...
and as for exuberant, yes i am. i like to think of myself as the best of Pinkie and Fluttershy. very meek with peoplei don't know, but with people i do know, i'm the prime party animal... oh, and on the internet, because there's no awkward face to face intorduction. lol.

[Mr AJ]

852104 Um...sorry?

[Minalkra]

852114
Oh, wait, I did read that. A bit, uhm, 'too removed from the show's tone in a canon character' for me to truly enjoy. Had it been an outsider with a more grim outlook on life, it would have been 'better' but not as funny so there's the trade off innit. Eh, it was silly for the sake of silly, so I didn't thumb down. Course, I rarely thumb up. I'm thumbless, already halfway to pony state. Oh god, make it stop! Get that needle away from me!

852120
Huh? Why? What? Oh, uhm ... yeah, that wasn't meant seriously. Uhm, sorry. Didn't mean to insult, I was trying to be funny. Again, I failed. Sorry.

[s00perguy]

852155 yeah, it's pretty good. for me, canon goes out the window, except for personalities, and i always saw pipsqueak as the humble kid that the bullies always push around. in this case, he got backed up into a corner, snapped, and bit their heads off. I've seen this. although in THAT case, he broke a few bones... of theirs... YEESH.
anyway, it was pretty silly, but i like silly. actually, i like anything, assuming it's done right...

[Mr AJ]

852155 Ah. Understood.On a side-note I DO fully intend to try to blow that picture up and make my neighbor (who happens to be a slightly younger cousin of mine) scared of Celestia. Or at least scared of his bathroom.

[LegalTroll]

Curious... do you actually go to poly (IE in long beach?)

[linx]

oh god, poor child/man i know you pain , i once ate anti-bacterial soap as a dare (i'm an idiot i know ) and i was in so much pain afterward i felt like i was dying . or had organ failure

[Paladin Redflare]

Oh Celestia.... what does a clean horse smell like? How do you know? I got close to some horses before, but I never sniffed them.
Hey Vegeta? Why do I find good HiE stories wherever I go? Is it because I believe that Humans are the best thing to ever happen to the universe?!

[Thegodhand]

I love his Lovecraftian references lol

[cheetaboy7]

Next time somepony starts forcing gooie liquids down your throat or hard objects up your ass, just yell rape!

[Ambassador_Derpius]

845048 Your comment is four weeks old and you probably already know this but you were waaaaaay off on your prediction.

[DerpedRainbow]

845048 Mr.Ignorable
4 weeks later and it is the exact opposite. 11 dislikes and a famous size of likes.

[VunderGuy]

"Why is the hands gone?"

[Enmar]

THAT WAS BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MUST HAVE MOAR!!!!!!!!!!

[Garter Snake]

This is fucking hilarious. I don't know what else to say.

[Vedavyasa]

Bated and bubbly breath. That got me. I chuckled at various points, but that line got a great big guffaw

[snipertwilight5]

hahaha this is funny i would think that earth ponies are strong their welll their earth ponies

[HACK3R_PR0]

cool story

[AnormalUnicornPony]

I am a sucker for these HiE fics. I am so far especially fond with honesty is the best policy so far. No scheming on Bruces' part is refreshing.

Allright, finished it now... Still really liking it. Not written quickly, well thought out and still awesome on the 32nd chapter. Go on.......

[hyperburn3r]

846868
PERMANENT. MENTAL. SCARRING.

[Jahoosaphat]

THIS. MADE. ME. LAUGH! UPVOTE! Seriously, bro, way ta get into character! Quite literally. It's almost as if your basing this off of personal experience...

[Enderstorm]

its when i read HiE's like this that i realise "son of a fuck i want to find a portal to equestia"

[Discordisbestnonpony]

846868
Holy. Mother. Fucker... That is creepy... I just... I... *Shudders* Hello, nightmares.

[Tender Ninja]

846868

Oh fucking hell.

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i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/175/889/oh%20god.png?1316467507
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[Runcible Spoon]

846868
Sexy as hell.

[Wiriamuzu]

Rectal thermometers are Evil! Sweet first chapter!

[phlamingsoul]

2865933

Now we just need the rectal computers!

[adaniels156]

2892494
........wtf

[LuluTia]

2892494
WTF

[Buckshot2825]

Aren't hospitals just the best!?

[Shadow Reaper]

My dads name is bruce