Hi I'm raine. I have brown hair and deep dark brown eyes.
A pony goes missing. A strange storm appears. Danger on the train. This is what Twilight goes through. She and her friends are the only ones that could stop these things from happening. They were wrong. They found help where they least expected it and when they needed it most. The story is a work in progress so, feel free to comment on it and give advice too.
Page generated in 0.111 seconds
Total duration
779 users online
840,159 hits today, 2,328,677 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I would greatly appreciate any feedback once you read the story. I am looking forward to hearing your ideas and hopefully make a better story than the last one i wrote.
Hmmm. I'll start this off by saying that this is a definite improvement from your last story, your sentence structure has improved, and this is a considerably long chapter compared to your last story, but there are still a few problems that need addressing after looking at this chapter.
1. You really need to fix that wall of text, remember the enter button is your friend in writing, don't neglect it. Even though you have used it and indented some parts, it is still annoying to look at, find a good balance. That could make it much easier to read. Also, remember to leave a line in between paragraphs!
2. There are some parts that are still worded weirdly, while they may not be wrong in a grammatical sense, you can make them much easier by using different words and so on.
Example - "Twilight noticed that Celestia had been weeping for several hours judging by how red her eyes were."
You could change the word "red" to bloodshot.
3. Make sure to stick to one tense,
"This storm has been going on for nearly a week and the violet lightning was abit unnerving"
The tense is present in the beginning of this sentence, but the story thus far was in the past, also, you spelt "a bit" like "abit" This could be a typo but be sure to get a pre-reader to help you with these types of mistakes, it can help a lot when you miss some typos.
4. Once again, this seems rushed, you cover large expanses of time with barely any descriptions, remember, take your time, and explain things thoroughly, it may be easier to just go through the story like this, but to the reader, it isn't very appealing.
5. This is me making a point on a creature you touched on briefly, and that's what's irritating, you briefly touched on it. Here's the description -
"These creatures could not fly or walk as other creatures could, this is what made them so dangerous. They were dangerous because nopony could see them coming or defend themselves against them."
Now this description is... It's lacking, you state that the fact that they can not fly nor walk is what makes them dangerous, yet it doesn't make much sense, how do they move? Now leaving this up to my imagination, from this description and the name "Shadow hunters." I deduce that their method of travel is through the shadows, but you should explain this, not leave it up to the reader to guess after hearing about it. After thinking about it, I can make out what you're trying to say (Hopefully) and I guess that since these monsters attack from the shadows, then they are practically invisible, that's what makes them so dangerous, because you can't defend from it, if you can't see it.
6. Now onto the only use of these quotation marks, or speech marks in this chapter. The sentence is this.
Twilight told her " I went looking for Celestia and found her here in her favorite spot in the entire garden. When she looked at me, I noticed that she has been weeping for several hours. I took her head in my hooves and began to sing a magical lullaby to make her rest and relax"
Now... This for one, doesn't seem like anything anyone would say, it also explains what we had just read moments ago.
Right... That's that, I hope you take my suggestions into consideration at the very least, and I hope you also use them to improve. Now once again I suggest that you get a pre-reader for this, other than that, you can just ask me for more help, I'll continue reading this to see if I spot anything else worth noting, but other than that, just keep practicing.
I'm out.