The Pony Guide to Chemistry

Toxic Boom and his sisters, Cyanide and Ecstasy, moved here a week ago. Two new additions arrive. Lionheart and Shadow Dancer (Created by my friend Ally, Her account is DoctorWhooves10.) (Take it easy, this is my first story.)

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 7 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 7
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Delicious

Delicious #1 · Dec 31st, 2011 · · · The move. ·

Could go a lot slower... I imagine most authors making a first chapter around 2,000 words at least, and you could have really fleshed out the move to actually give characterization and detail. Your telling me stuff, I want to see it. I'll track to see how it goes and give it a 3 star rating for now.

Delicious

Delicious #2 · Dec 31st, 2011 · · · The move. ·

Considering I've never done a story before, your already doing better then I have. But if you want to make a serious commitment to Fanfic writing I suggest you learn my previous points.

ArtOfTheDerp

ArtOfTheDerp #3 · Dec 31st, 2011 · · · The move. ·

99487
Thanks, I don't write stories often so I haven't gotten my skills all done out. But thanks for viewing.

Lyn_Prayre

Lyn_Prayre #4 · Dec 31st, 2011 · · · The move. ·

There could be many things that could be improved with this:

1. You need to develop the characters a bit. Maybe explain how Cyanide, Ecstasy and Toxic are related. You should introduce the characters early on in the story
2. Space the story out a bit. I'll show you a prime example
" Nay nay! Ever notice the two scars on dad's sides? He got into an accident and his wings were mangled. So he had them removed." I responded. "It's getting late. Go to sleep." He said. He heard Cyanide grumble some thing, he could make out "Didn't, want, leave, Canterlot." and that was it. They arrived the next day, they took their belongings off of the train. They were greeted by a bubbly pink Earth Pony.

The arrival in Ponyville was a bit abrupt. one minute, they were on the train, and the next minute, they already arrived at Ponyville. A scene break between the tow parts would of been nice.

3. More detail, (I'm such a hypocrite) The character design is, basic at best. You described about the mane and coat, but that is it. There should be more detail. Add what their cutie marks are, and describe the feature more. (Maybe Cyanide has a shortened, neon blue mane, which had a ponytail, or something like that)

4?. Word count, The word count is a bit small, but it would increase significantly if you improved the fic with the tips above.

Unfortunately, I would have to give it a 1.5 star, not enough description, no character development and too abrupt.

ArtOfTheDerp