I take back the indention things. I don't care if you indent your paragraphs.
Equestria has used royal guards for thousands of years, and they all look the same. A grey or white coat with a blue or white mane. The tradition has been broken only once with Flash Sentry, being an orange stallion. Now, a second guard comes along and breaks the standard, you. A Female, orange pony with a red and orange mane. You have never stood out more in your entire life.
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You misspelled Sentry in the description (as Century).
That chapter name.
I love the story and i cant wait to read the second chapter but you sort of rushed the story a bit but irs still amzing
I like the idea, but found the story kind of disappointing. I think it would be better in first or third person with an actual name instead of "you." It also seems like the entire thing is more of a summary than a full story, with large amounts of possible story ideas being overlooked.
7471146 Thanks.
2nd person stories are often hard to write because if the psychology and personality of the main character isn't described well enough, the reader might fill in what he doesn't know with his own self, making the character's choices and emotions sometimes difficult to understand. It would be helpful to describe a bit further your mare's mind as well as to give her a name.
Also, some people have said it already, but you seem to be a bit rushing the script. Adding some more description to emphasize certain moments, actions or thoughts, and describing the character's reactions will really add to the story's immersiveness, as well as give the reader the time to dive into the scene before it changes.
I enjoy and am looking forward to this story, and I hope this can give you advice for later chapters and potential future stories.
7481572 I will keep that in mind. I just read the story myself for the first time. I caught many mistakes, and it didn't go at the speed I expected it. I just wrote it and publish it, never proofread any of it. I might go back and change the timing later, but for now, I have to continue the story.