Can you imagine getting stuck with a cutie mark you didn't like? ~ Sweetie Belle ~
All her life, Cinnamon Spinner has been a pony pleaser who has tried to convince herself that she liked her cutie mark in her family's bakery. After a summons from the map, she, along with Starlight Glimmer and pegasus pony, Ricochet, are tasked with a friendship mission. When the mission results in disastrous consequences, Twilight swoops in to help. But, little does she know, Queen Chrysalis has plans to take advantage of Cinnamon and Ricochet's moment of weakness to reinstate her rise to power over Equestria.
Chapters (1)
Nice work so far. Those "masks" are an interesting concept.
If Cinnamon and Ricochet were voiced, what would they sound like?
7390326
Hiya, Starlight Nova,
This took me a while of deliberating but I think I've got it.
Cinnamon sounds like Breanne Duren:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khR8wHQT1dQ
Ricochet sounds like Josh Peck (Aka Casey Jones):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1zeMRcCkq0
Thanks for commenting!
Hello there! I just wanted to say: marvelous story opener you've got going right here. It's certainly got potential, and though I've only just read this one chapter, I can definitely say it's shaping up to be a solid tale.
That being said, I would like to point out a few suggestions that could be used to improve your story, if you don't mind. You don't have to listen to all of them—or any of them, for that matter—but they're just some things I picked up as I read your story. Hope you don't mind.
The traditional way of formatting a story on FIMFiction is a little odd, but bear with it. Most users utilize a break between paragraphs. Instead of:
It's:
Thus, there is a physical space between each paragraph. It just looks better on a web page.
As far as I know, indentation is an entirely subjective point. I myself use it, but I have seen other users who refrain from it. Ultimately, it's up to you.
At the beginning, you used socialization instincts as a phrase. However, I think it would be better to use (and only in this one instance) "social instincts" in said. Just from a word perspective, it's a better adjective as an adjective, as opposed to an adjective-noun hybrid.
The second paragrah is a solid introduction to the home setting, but it could use some better flow. Some sentences feel choppy in places. In particular: "Home and, really her entire world growing up..." This has several awkward starts and stops, which I would suggest fixing up.
There should be a comma after "supermarket," and "little."
"So often" as a phrase generally incurs contrast. I understand what you mean here by using it, but perhaps a better choice of words would be "Often had..." The rest of the sentence would, of course, follow this tense.
"There were eleven other foals..." to "Cinnamon didn't know..." is jarring in transition. It felt like you could have described the students in general, then talk about this queen bee. Speaking of which: place a "the" before "queen bee."
Noted: excellent overview of the hypothetical reasons as to Cinnamon's misfortune.
In "was bad friend stock," I would suggest you change "stock" to "material."
It's hard to tell whether the opening narration had happened or was happening. Both mean past tense, but standard, close third-person narration uses was as the "present past," with had meaning a flashback or memory. Just keep this in mind in the future.
Now, ellipses. These three dots are... just weird, really. It's your preference, but I've seen two common ways people use them.
1) three dots, then a space, as in ... (space)
2) spaces between, before, and after each dot, as in (space).(space).(space).(space) or . . .
"Cinnamon looked back to see the others critters had had a stern talk with the rumbling in their tummies for a feathery meal." This seems like a rather awkward sentence.
Another note: the tildes show a break between sections, yes? I can this assume reasonably that the first section, regardless of has or was, is the "introduction." I can't exactly explain it, but the way you ended it feels sudden BUT in a nice way. Kind of reminds me of the breaks seen in books like To Kill A Mockingbird or Catcher In The Rye.
There should be a comma after "work" in "... work and nothing else."
There should be a comma after "hopscotch."
"I've meet everypony" should be "I've met everypony."
"... an eccentric filly" should end in a comma, with the resulting the being lowercased.
The pacing felt somewhat rushed once you entered the shop class scene. It felt like it was going at breakneck speed, from the class, to Wisp's arrival, to the field. A few breaks would definitely the jarring. Even if they end up making the sections short, it'll overall be fine.
"Wisp, who had recently..." The rest of that clause is a fragment, though I am unsure whether it was intentional or not.
Overall, the story has a nice, community feel to it. Rusty in some places, but you managed to make it work. It gets a track from me at the moment.
Hopefully my comment doesn't come off as snide, rude, or presumptuous. I just want to help, after all.