A Broken Promise

Source

Brilliant Brawl aka "Hiker Steve" that lived peacefully outside Pony Ville, gets an unexpected guess one blizzardy winter day, from that point on, his life will change, forever!

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 7 )

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gabs0095

gabs0095 #1 · Jun 15th, 2012 · · ·

Im sorry if my grammar is bad my english is not perfect yet

Leecher

Leecher #2 · Jun 16th, 2012 · · ·

Nicely done,
I thought it was well done,the grammer was a bit off but nothing to go to war about, I think there are some things that could help the story though:
1.Don't use the emoticons,They are just distracting and silly.
2.The songs are a nice touch but you should extend those part, It's get annoying for the reader (or maybe just me) to go and put the videos on every 2 minutes.
3.You seem to be rushing this a bit quick,It almost could fit into a one-shot,You need to remember that this dosn't just need to be about the romance,Have fun with it,put them in ridiculous situations,Make them need to go on a adventure to the mountain where steve needs to be the guide,Make them fight dragons, I don't know your the good writer here.
4.You should find yourself a pre-reader to fix there grammical issues.

All in All though,I thought this was a good chapter to the story,the characters are a bit shallow but that can change easily and emotions of the scenes are protrayed really well.

If I had to rate it (I don't but Im going to anyway),I would give it a:
7/10
Summary:
+Lovely scenes.
+Nice set up.
+Emotions protraded nicely.
+(-)OC's bit dull but can change within another chapter without chaging anything.
-Annoying emoticons.
-Rather rushed plot.
-Seems to want to play it safe.
I hope to see more of this story soon.

(On a side note:Don't take this the wrong way,I am not a writer,In any sence of the word, I just want to give a helping hand in anyway I can and Hope I didn't offend you and thanks for the songs in the story, Really amazing songs I never heard and now wonder why I never heard of them!)

(This comment is SO egotistical, It's not even funny...Its hilarous!)

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adjsidjksgfdlgoljwseidfk #3 · Jun 16th, 2012 · · ·

It looked mostly fine to me, I think you should write another! (I liked the faces :D)

davy downpour

davy downpour #4 · Jun 16th, 2012 · · ·

i dont usualy care for canon oc relationships(jealousy) but i like this story its one of those ones i can feel..

gabs0095

gabs0095 #5 · Jun 16th, 2012 · · ·

754423um....thankyou, about the loveley scenes and the speed....it's just the first cap of 10, the speeding at the end is because i wated to finish the 1st episode that day...im sorry, i can do better, is just that i relly wanted to update my first cap the songs are just to put you in the mood for the scene....actually when i post the links for the bgm im gonna have to make the scene longer :/ thanks for the advice ^^754642 im gonna try to make it as touchy as i can thank you for the support