---Most of the time, we feel worthless. Regardless, we should live life to the fullest.---
In a time where somepony is in need of a new friend, one who they can trust, and reuniting with a colthood friend, Pro Radio is going to find that friend.
Edit 11/06/2012: Ok, so I now have a new official OC, his name is WipeOut, but I will still write this
---Warning, Some chapters may have song titles as their chapter names. Non metal head discretion is advised, also may have hints of the lyrics.---
-Constructive critisism is accepted, if down voted, please leave a reason, so I can help make the experience better for you!-
Chapters (4)
Seriously though, why arent I getting any feedback?
Alright, I'll message you later today. Don't worry, I didn't down vote.
I feel like an ass if I do :P
One thing I forgot to mention...don't use a cliché title like "The Adventures of..."
Seriously, nobody will look at that and go "Wow! This is a unique story I want to spend my time reading!"
I apologize if it sounds rude, but I promise you I only want to help.
808099 Well, originally, it was going to be scenarios where he was going to get killed, but somehow, he just used his head, you know, like they do on the box that has moving pictures. (I prefer not to watch too much tv, I prefer youtube and music or gaming) So yeah, but then I thought 'Hey, save it for your current OC, and not the one in this story' but I've still gotta remove the comedy tag, cause it actually gets sad... There are quite a lot of happy points in it, but I just need to (heh heh) plot (giggity giggity goo) it out so I can plan where the sad parts are and the happy parts, like, the whole Octavia incident, yeah, I wanted it to be sad, but I just didn't know how.
Okay, so first of all, you have problems with dialogue punctuation. I'd give you examples of how it should be done, but that never really helped me until I googled the thing and found a good guide.
Now, the second main problem is that the story does not flow. How to remedy this? You have to read good literature and get a grasp of what authors do to get the story moving. Here Radio jumps from one thing to another, the dialogue and situations are too convenient, so they are not believable. Take for example when he arrives to Ponyville and asks a complete random stranger where he is... and ends up with an RPG-style reply. "You are in Ponyville. If you like music listen to DJ-Pon3. Visit Pinkie @..." and so on. Yes, you want Radio to find Vinyl, okay, have Radio ask the stranger for Vinyl, not the stranger provide all the info just like that.
Another problem: you dump info with no background and reason. Suddenly the friend is dying? And he has for a while? And there was no sign of it before? He never tried to say anything at all? It's unreal... think about it in the context of how a real life situation would go with that... they would show some signs, even if you don't pick them up at the time...
Those two have a lot to do with pacing. Pacing the story is important and not as easy as it sounds. The pace sets the mood. If you want an adventure story with lots of fights, fast pacing, changing things, quick dialogue... but romance? Romance takes a slower pacing because you want to show the feelings behind the characters. So, don't rush from scene to scene, take advantage of dialogue opportunities.
My teachers always said that it was good to see a lot of "white space" in a page... that means that the dialogue is moving the scene. Dialogue reveals a LOT about the characters and is your main instrument for a romance, even more so than descriptions.
So... hope that helps a bit...
821906 Well, first off, thank you. You gave your honest opinion, and I am truly happy for that.
Second, I know, it seems very rushed, I was never good at creative writing, and most of the time, I'm usually too busy to actually go into detail.
Third. I know, it doesn't seem like the old friend is dying, but I don't really know how to write sad moments, cause most of the time, I'm like an A.I, where I don't show emotion. I can't write sad or romance for crap, I'm just glad I haven't turned this into clop.
And also, for the RPG Stylish dialogue, I know. I don't know what I was thinking.
Once again, thank you for your feedback
807994 Why would you feel like an ass?
I even down-voted it!
I downvote my worst stuff, cause it makes me feel, not worthless, but it makes me know that I need to improve it.
Ok, edits on Broken World, Girl I know and the re-write of the prologue is complete, time for sleep, so fucking tired...
Goodnight!
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831496 To quote a rabbit named Thumper...
"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all..."
831600 Saywha?
Ok... Trying to think of what I can do with Natural Born Killer... Maybe even a chapter rename... As well as edits... Might even re-write that chapter too... I dunno, but I have to go to a wedding, and it's 4 am, so I may aswell just write as much as I can on paper...
XXXX
831600 Buddy, don't hate me, but I'm straying from this fic for a while. I need a new thing to write, cause this is just getting difficult as hell D: I don't know why I said don't hate me, though...
This one is making baked bads