Hotline Equestria

Manipulated, tricked and bleeding out, Jacket is at the end of his luck. But when a bizarrely cheerful creature appears in his apartment offering him a deal, as well as means to escape his violent death, would history end up repeating itself?

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TheRealFlameScicle

TheRealFlameScicle #1 · Feb 5th, 2016 · · ·

tilting his pale face upwards and peeing into his bloodshot eyes.

I think you meant peering.

“Splendid!” It exclaimed. “Oh I’m so glad that you accepted, believe me, we’ll both be better off for it! Now, we’ll be leaving immediately and seeing as you’re really not in the state to do much packing, it’ll have to be whatever’s in this box",

the comma needs to be turned into a period and the words in bold are for the fact you ended the word "splendid" with quotation marks and added another set of quotation marks to start a new sentence. I also put the word "it" instead of "he" since the story is taking place from Jacket's point of view.

He gestured to the box of masks” And the clothes on you back my good fellow.”

There are, what appear to be, mistaken quotation marks behind the word "masks", this is also where a period should go. You need to make you into your.

He could see the box of masks following him though the whole as he spun in a free fall,

though needs to be through and I added "ing" after follow because you were describing a situation in a present tense meaning he looked at something as other things were happening. "whole" needs to be "hole"

Asked a gruff, weary voice.”

this one was near the beginning but it was another quotation mark that wasn't needed or was accidental.

whole in reality he’d made, strolling through the different rooms as he went.

"whole" needs to be "hole".

the smile on his lips literally too big for his face and stretching out of the side of his head.

"literally" should be taken out since it's redundant and "side" needs to be turned into "sides" since there are multiple sides of a face. The sentence it self seems slightly clunky but I don't know how to word it to make it flow better.

With a final, hysterical guffaw of laughter this creature, known as the God of Chaos and disharmony, rolled into a ball and span into the rift he had created, a lions paw, pulling a door knob appearing out of thin air and slamming it shut behind him.

add a comma between "final" and "hysterical". I added the words "this creature known as" because it helped the run on sentence form better and make sense what I believed you were trying to achieve based how you wrote the last paragraph and I also gave you the location of where the end comma needed to be placed. "Span" needs to be turned into "spun". I put a comma after "a lions paw" to allow the description to flow together with the rest of the sentence. "pulling" needs to be turned into "pulled" since everything describing an action in the sentence was past tense. Again with the word "slamming" it needs to be "slammed". "and" is bold because this is what made the sentence feel clunky but again I'm not sure how to fix it. "it" isn't very descriptive so I'm not sure what you mean by "it". you should probably change this to say what you mean. And that's all I found after skimming through and reading your story. I think this story could go in a very interesting direction so I'll follow it as it progresses. o3o And I'm not a pro at grammar so some of the information could be right but not the best way to fix some of the mistakes.

flametegu