1 Run, my child.
Jade - 14th of Megan '15 EoH - Dawn
<You have to leave.> My mother’s panicked words jolted me out of my meditation.
There was only one thing she could possibly mean. I could feel it in my hearts, like a rusty scalpel had been left inside me by a careless surgeon. I closed my eyes, and reached back through the mental link to reply, <Is it the Swarm?>
<It is.> She answered, the sound of wood scraping on stone filled my room as she opened my door.
Mother’s face usually held a smile. The look on her face now was completely alien to me.
The light of the candle I had been reading by cast an eerie glow around her face and mane. It made the fear and sorrow stand out even more than it did on it’s own.
<Can anyone else go with me?> I asked, pleading for her to answer yes. I didn’t want to go alone, solitude was a death sentence for a changeling.
<No.> She shook her head, her loose mane seemed to glow in the candlelight. <I checked with the hive mind. You are the only adult ‘ling who hasn’t finished swearing the oath of loyalty. The ponies refuse to flee and will stand with us. A nymph would never survive outside the hive… and would only slow you down.>
I had expected as much. Few eggs laid in the same month as mine had hatched. So far, I was the oldest of the batch. Seventeen years and one day. Twelve more days and I would have been officially an adult, bound by arcane oath to protect the hive.
I only just got my wings and horn, but surely I could look after my sister. <Not even Jasper?> I asked pleadingly, begging with my eyes.
If changelings could cry in our natural forms, mom would have flooded the room. <A nymph… without flight… By the sun’s light, why did she have hatch eight years ago?> Mom sobbed, hiding her cream-colored eyes in an arm.
I bit my lip worriedly. <Maybe I could carry her in a saddle->
<I would rather one of my children lives to see the sunset!> Mom snapped eyes blazing at an anger which made me recoil, even though I knew it was not directed at me.
Her horn flared green as she pulled a pair of leather saddlebags into view, and then tossed them to me. <Put these on. There are twenty charged emote-stones in the lefthoof bag, they should be enough to feed you until you can reach somewhere you might find more food. I… I put your father's spellbook in the right side bag. He wrote notes in the margins, you should be able to teach yourself.>
I looked at the bag, a heavy feeling formed in the place my guts had been before I pupated into my adult form. I wasn’t even used to eating emotional energy yet, I couldn’t go somewhere alone! <H-how can I feed without hurting somepony? I’ve only done it once!>
Mom walked over and gently ran a hoof through my mane, giving me a grim look. <I also put a scout’s guidebook in the bags. But for feeding, you’ll find you already know how… It takes practice to use our feeding as a weapon.>
Her horn flared again as she pulled a cloth bundle over to us and held it out to me. <Take this. It’s my old sword.>
She pulled the cloth away from the blade, a simple, short blade. It had a crossguard, and a grip clearly designed for a creature with hands. <You’ll need something to defend yourself with before you can learn battle magic… Y-you did work out telekinesis before->
I nodded, interrupting her, <Yes… Just before you came in.>
<You remember how to use a knife?> Mom asked, her mental tone growing dire.
I nodded, gulping slightly. <Yes. But I never did well in sparring.>
<Doesn't matter. Just use it like a big knife. The motions are the same. Never draw it if you can run, and keep it under your bags. People will be more hostile to anyling whose armed.> Mom’s face contorted for a moment.
My dad had been killed by a griffon because he was carrying a spear. I knew full well that carrying a weapon could hurt you as much as help. <I am a scout, I could just spend all of my time morphed.> I said hoping to reassure her as I slipped the sword’s sheath onto my right side, and set the bags onto my back.
<Sweetie, I know you did well in class, but trust me: actually blending in takes more than simply looking like a pony, griffon, dragon, or zebra.> Mom sighed. <Which is why you should put this on too.>
She held up the cloth the sword had been wrapped in. The brown cloth unfurled in her telekinetic grip, revealing itself to be a simple hooded robe.
<Why would clothes help?> I asked baffled enough for my words to carry some of my confusion through the link.
<If you pull the hood up and keep your wings under it, and keep the hood on you fully, you will look like a unicorn. They will need to notice your face to tell what you are. This won’t work in cities or towns, you would look suspicious. But while traveling, you will seem normal. Also it’s waterproof, so if it rains you won't need to wait for your wings to dry to fly.> Mom informed.
The impossibly large, emotionally dead voice of the Hive Mind slammed into my head as I opened my mouth to reply. <Emergency. Hostile creatures approaching hive. Soldiers to General Quarters.>
Mom’s wings buzzed against her thick chitten in a panic and her jaw clenched in pain as the announcement finished. She was a soldier, the Hive was in danger. I could see the pain on her face, every second after the alert she spent doing anything but defending the hive was agony. <G-go! Hurry! Take an air shaft in the mines!>
She turned to rush to the hive’s entrance, to her death, to the death of my home. <I- I don’t->
<"Go!"> Mom screamed, her spoken voice overlaying her mental voice as she ran from our small home.
I couldn’t say no to her. There was a knife in both our hearts, but she was right. I had to leave. If even one of us survived, and could find enough food, they could enter the second stage of adulthood and become a Queen. We could rebuild. We would survive. I had to live.
Mom was way faster than I was, in seconds she would be out of telepathic range. <Where do I go?> I begged, I knew nothing of the world away from the edges of our territory.
<Survive for now! Note in spellbook! You will be safe there! Move!> A blast of images surged through the link, showing me the views from a hundred eyes and the sounds picked up from a hundred ears.
The entire southern sky was black, the sun blotted out by the sheer mass of the Swarm. I could see her at the front of it, the demon Queen, green eyes burning with hatred for everything which lived. They said Chrysalis rediscovered the way the Overmind had controlled its changelings, making the thousands of changelings in the air act as one creature under the force of her will. Nothing could stand against the Swarm, and they knew it. They willingly let her use their bodies.
I felt the icy touch of fear grip the back of my neck. Noling who stayed here would live through the hour. They were thousands, we were hundreds. My home was about to be a mass grave, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Deep down, something snapped. Fear become anger. Anger became purpose. Purpose became action.
I stuffed the robe into my saddlebags and bolted out of my room, sprinted through our modest apartment, burst into the corridor, ran up the wall to avoid the flood of lings rushing along the floor, and made a beeline for the nursery. There was no way in tartarus I was leaving my sister here to die!
The carved stone walls of the hive shot by as I sprinted as fast as I could without falling into the rows of soldiers and royals below. I knew the rout. Five passageways south, turn left, three passages ways east, turn right, second door on the left. I ran on autopilot, hooves gripping the carved walls, cracking the plaster covering with the force of my panicked passage.
A small part of my mind screamed at me to stop running on the walls that the Queen would make me fix them. I almost laughed at that part of me. That should have been the least of my concerns right now. I guessed my brain was desperately scrambling for normality.
The wooden doors of the nursery seemed to just appear in front of me. That wasn’t good, I always started loosing memory when panicked. I needed to calm down. I took a deep breath and pushed the door open with my telekinesis. The terrified pleas and cries of a hundred nymphs hit me like a wall. The older nymphs were doing what they could to help the really little ones, but there wasn't an adult, or even a pony in sight.
I swear my left heart stopped beating as I realized there was no way for me to take them all with me. This was wrong. It was evil. This was why mom had told me to just go, so I wouldn’t have the weight of choosing between saving my sister, and trying to save as many as I could. Oh god I should have listened!
With a pained gulp I searched for Jasper’s mind, formed a link and cried, <Jasper! We need to go! I’m at the door.>
<Sis! Where’s mom? I want mom!> Jasper demanded.
<Mom… Mom’s not here. She’s helping keep the bad guys away.> I answered.
A second later Jasper untangled herself from the sea of terrified young. She was small for her age. Small for eight years old. Less than half the way to adulthood for her caste. As she rushed to my side I picked her up with a hoof and set her on my back. Jasper was barely as big as a saddlebag, carrying her was nothing.
<But I want mom!> Jasper sniffled. I could taste her fear and sadness as it radiated off her, that wasn’t good.
<Jass… Please, calm down. You’ll make me sick.> I begged as I steeled myself to leave everyling else behind.
It would be hard for a Nymph to understand. A changeling doesn't sense or eat emotions until we become adults. We live on love, on the positive, pleasant emotions. The negative, distressing ones work like poison. The more of it in a given area, the more toxic it is.
Jasper sniffled and wrapped her arms around my neck to hold on. <But I want her! Where are we going?> she begged, her emotions still slamming into me like a thrown brick..
<We’re going outside, okay? We’re going to hide until the bad guys go away.> I said.
Maybe a miracle would happen. Maybe we would drive the Swarm away and Jasper and I could go back home after a few hours. <Were going to that hill we had a picnic on last year until everything’s all over, okay?> I said as calmly as I could.
<O-okay.> Jasper sniffed.
I carefully ran out the door, I couldn’t take the wall this time, Jasper was never good at holding on. The hall was far less crowded, all of the soldiers must have been deployed already. The corridor was now full of mages, carefully and expertly erecting wards and setting traps. I guess the Queen wanted to try to hold out. That was good! Maybe we had a chance.
Our hive was old, its walls were carved out of the heart of the mountain, and we had plenty of magic on our side. Maybe we would be able to survive. Maybe there was hope. But, to be safe, we definitely needed to leave for the moment.
I ran down the hall, ducking and weaving between the long spindly legs of the mages. Their caste had always creeped me out in their natural forms, even my own father.They were just so tall, and so thin, and the way their eyes glowed like the coals of a fire… I understood why we unsettled so many species thanks to them.
The sound of a distant explosion shattered the newborn hope. The floor lurched as the blast echoed through the hall. Jasper’s arms tightened around my neck, I think she screamed, but my ears were ringing too loudly for me to tell.
They kept ringing until I reached the end of the hive proper. The smooth plaster covered stone walls stopped dead, leaving the rough cut walls of the mines to stretch out into the heart of the mountain. The part of the hive we lived in wasn’t too deep beneath the surface, and drones dug a ton of air shafts to keep fresh air in the hive. That was how we were going to get out.
<Hold on tight Jasper, I’m going to climb.> I said as I spotted a nearby iron grate set into the center of the ceiling, the entrance to an air shaft.
I felt her head brush against my neck as she nodded, her hooves gripping onto my chitten tightly. <Okay…>
<That’s better than usual. Did you figure out how to climb?> I asked, hoping to take both our minds off the situation.
<Yeah. You just don’t think about it and it works.> Jasper informed as I started up the wall.
I smiled just a little bit, I remembered learning to climb. Your hooves really do all the work, if you try to step fancy or grip things like you want to pick up the wall, you just fall off. As I approached the air shaft I quickly opened the grate covering it with my telekinesis, and scurried through into the air shaft.
We had to be a mile from the hive’s entrance, but the moment I stepped into the shaft I could smell burnt chitten, and just barely hear screams drifting through the air. I stopped climbing for a second, took a breath to steady myself, and resumed climbing.
<Just wait till you can do that too.> I said softly, hoping to keep the conversation going.
<Is it fun?> Jasper asked, her fear was slowly fading away. Thank the sun she was still too young to understand what death was.
I smiled and shook my head slowly yes, <It’s pretty awesome. You feel things a lot better with your magic.>
I pulled myself up over a small ledge, someling had hollowed out a little body sized depression in the side of the shaft. Probably a drone or worker who wanted to nap unseen.
<Is shifting fun?> Jasper asked, <I wanna be a zebra when I grow up!>
<It’s the best thing ever Jass, and I’m going to make sure you get to be a Zebra all you want.> I promised.
I had only morphed once so far, just so the doctor knew I was a healthy adult. I hadn’t had time to play around, an adult’s first task is to master the basic magics, then to master shapechanging. For five minutes I had been a pegasus. Everyling says that your first shift changes your whole life, I always thought that was silly. It’s completely true.
Jasper deserved to know what it felt like to shed your form and take on another. To have that ultimate power over yourself to truly decide who you are and what you will be. With some luck, when Jasper pupates, she’ll be a scout like me, and have even more control over herself than the other castes. I could show her all the tricks I had learned by then, and we could work together to keep everyling fed.
The end of the shaft was only a few body lengths above us now. A second iron grate covered it, and a large bush concealed it from view. That was good, I could get a look outside without being seen.
The iron gate creaked as I pushed up on it with my magic. Flakes of rust and dirt trickled down into the shaft below, making me wince and hope no one had heard anything. I froze, clamped onto the edge of the shaft, and waited.
Seconds passed, then a minute. Nothing happened. No one shouted, no spell came flying through the air towards us.
I let out a relieved breath and slowly pulled myself up into the bush, trying to make as little noise as I could.
<Noling’s here.> Jasper said as I slipped the rest of the way out of the shaft.
Over the years, Jasper and I had stolen hundreds of cookies from the kitchen. She knew when I was being sneaky, and was a damn good look out. I trusted her word.
I also knew I would miss eating solid food badly. Then, I remembered I could shapeshift, and I could enjoy a cookie as a unicorn if I wanted. But would it taste the same? The vision had been totally different. Surly taste would be too.
A gust of wind blew across the mountainside, shaking me out of my thoughts, and bringing the smell of burnt flesh back to my nose. I sputtered, as my throat contracted, a dry heave pushing up from deep within my chest as I reflexively held back whatever bile wanted to come up.
<I… I don’t like that smell… It’s bad!> Jasper whined pulling herself close enough to my back to make my chitten creak.
<Yes. It’s bad. That’s why we are going away for a little bit.> I answered, slowly creeping out from the bush.
The Mountainside was nice and grassy, with clumps of bushes and trees. Mount Knur was fortunately a little mountain, only a few thousand feet tall, and our hive was built into it’s roots. A sea of natural vegetation covered the mountainsides, and the mountain’s base was covered in a sea of golden wheat.
I could see everything stretching out in front of me, the sun was just barely over the horizon, putting a nice pink glow around everything. If this had been another day, I might have stopped to watch the sunrise. But I couldn’t stop, not today.
We were almost off of the mountain already. The plants would hide us as we fled, we just needed to make sure we weren't spotted from above, and everything would be fine.
Well, not everything. I felt that knife in the guts feeling again. That smell… How many people were dead? How many of them had I known? Why did She have to do this? Changelings could live in harmony with other species! Zebras and Ponies lived in our hall with us happily!
I closed my eyes for a moment, focusing as hard as I could to keep my head strait. I had to save Jasper. I had to get to the hill just a little ways ahead. A quarter mile. I could do that.
<Jass, I need you to look up. If you see anyling who doesn't have a white shell, tell me to run, okay?> I asked, knowing Jass could spot anyling overhead faster than they would see us.
I felt her nod again. <Okay.>
I started to walk, the tall grass shushed against my chitten, branches rustled as I nudged them, each hoof fall made a small click against the ground. I winced at each sound, my eyes flicked from left to right, searching for anything moving through the grass.
If Jasper wasn’t on my back, I would have bolted for the hills. With every sound I made my hearts skipped a beat. On a good day I could make it to any hill near the mountain in five minutes. This felt like an eternity.
As the ground leveled out, I froze in terror. I had made a fatal error. The wheat was shorter than I thought. It wouldn’t hide us from anything. We would have to get through as quickly as possible to the safety of the trees on the other side.
With a nervous chitter, I took off as fast as I could. The wheat flew by us, my hooves pounded against the ground. Jasper squeaked as my run jostled her around, I felt her dig her hooves into my sides to hold on.
<Slow down!> She begged loudly.
<I can’t! We got to get there realy fast.> I replied.
<Why?> Jass demanded.
<Because of the bad guys, remember?> I reminded, a hint of my stress creeping into the link unintentional.
I felt Jasper grow uneasy. My stress had been enough to let her know that something bad was definitely happening. Sure she’s known before, but now she knew her big sister was afraid, her sister who wasn’t afraid of anything. I closed my eyes and begged the sun to not let her panic.
<O-okay…> Jasper said, her mental voice cracking with fear.
Oh cordyceps, had I let other memories slip through the link?
My thoughts were interrupted as I finally reached the base of the hill. We could find a safe place on the top to hide for now, and I could calm Jasper down, everything would be fine we just had to get to the top of the hill.
I darted up the side of the hill, turned around the side of a large rocky outcropping and ran face first into a solid wall of feathers! As my plot slammed into the ground, Jasper slipped off my back, landing on the ground with a thump. I was about to scream in pure terror when the wall of feathers, turned, revealing itself to be a huge griffon.
He had feathers like a raven, but edged with white, a beak like a sparrow, and burning eyes like a hawk. His tail lashed behind him, almost angrily, but in an amused sort of way. He had a tunic tossed over his chest and barrel, on which I could make out the crest of some kingdom or another. More importantly, behind him stood at least four score more griffons, all with the same black and red tunics, and each with a weapon of some sort.
I quickly pulled everything I learned in class about Griphoneeese to my mind and shouted, “Praise the sun! The Swarm is attacking our hive, you have to hel-”
“Greyhawk, these ones too.” The black griffon called, turning and walking away.
“What?” I asked, confused.
There was the sharp sound of steel ringing, pain exploded from my barrel. Looking down I saw the back end of a steel bolt buried in my chitten, thick blood oozing from the shattered hole in my chitten.
I fell to my belly as a second sharp thud and snap of a crossbow broke the air. The world slowly became gray, then black.
“Sir, are you certain we have to kill anyling who makes it out?” someone asked their voice sounding watery.
“His majesty was very clear. He wants the mines beneath Knur for Griffonia. If any more are left alive once Chrysalis is done with the place, they will have legal claim to the land. You do know changelings have two hearts, don't you? We don’t want it regenerating. Put another bolt into the big one, a bit to the left of the first.” another voice commanded in a calm, dismissive voice.
A dull thud sent another nightmarish hell of pain through my body. As the world vanished I had only two thoughts. First, the “knife in the gut” feeling felt absolutely nothing like being stabbed in the gut, I shouldn’t use it anymore. Second, I was completely confused; Changelings don’t have two hearts, we have three.
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Seems like a good concept, Chryssy being a tyrant who only knows how to win by destruction seems like a cool concept.
6455917 Thanks :3 I've always seen Chrysalis as a sort of changeling Ivan the Terrible.
6455935 She read Being a Tyrant for Dummies.
6455969 And this version, after her defeat by the power of love (which, weirdly, she didn't just eat...), read this: http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html
6455987 crap. Now she's genre savvy.
6455917 If by cool concept, you mean run into the ground with the force of a comet hit, then yes.
6456055
In a lot of stories with Chrysalis as a villain, she really isn't that evil. Oh she does abduct people, and do things like that, but she doesn't really cause life-changing damage to anything. No one is maimed or killed.
This story has a new take where Chrysalis nearly successfully genocides an entire other hive. It isn't a "boo-hoo, my husband was a changeling all along, where has the love gone in our relationship?" story, it's a dark story.
6456097 Except it's not a new take, it's actually fairly old. There are a lot of fics where Chrysalis is a destructive power hungry monster.
6456117 Everything's new to someone. I'm sure someone, somewhere, has no idea what a TV remote is. It's impossible for any human to know everything, even within just one field, so while I am certain that people have done Chrysalis like I have here before, many people have not seen her done like this before, hence it is in fact, new.
Should be eerie.
There were a couple randomly capitalized words as well, but I got caught up in the story and stopped paying them attention.
Oh God.....that ending ended up far worse than I expected it to. The griffons are going to murder Jasper right there. Bastard burds. Maybe someone can sic Chrysalis on Griffonia....no one would mourn that loss.
Chrysalis may be the 'demon Queen', but at least she's an open enemy. These worthless burds are waiting to murder anyling that manages to survive the greatest crisis they could face.
6456127 Yes, but claiming it's a new concept when it isn't doesn't make it new again.
Not gonna read it till it hits 10K, I don't want to start reading only to have to stop, right as everything started getting really good.
Giving you a like and a fave soley on your story description. It's rare to get one thats that good.
6456191 No problem! See you in a week or so then ^.^
Ouch treachery. Well she won't be fans of the griffons anytime soon.
So single changeling flees tyranny of Chrysalis and seeks shelter in Equestria with likely shipping?
Boy, we sure haven't seen a plot like this before on Fimfiction.
6456442 Pretty sure the day's of original content died in like, the mid 80's. Everything's a rehash of something else. Just learn to love things you like.
An epic tale of loss, hope and maybe, love.
I nearby add my voice to those that would see this tale told and look forward to what happens next.
No doubt, you will not disappoint.
6456758 Congrats! Your comment is the one which reached the "make next chapter" threshold :) There will be more in a day or three.
CHANGELING DOMINATION! Now where'd I put the Raid?
First: good to see you back and writing again!
Second: this story is all the awesome! I've seen a few story's of the changlings after the failed invasion, but this is the first I read where Chrisslis is some reborn bad ass with super 'ling powers! I can't wait to see where this go's, also I like the idea of ponies who live with changlings and are so loyal to them they are willing to fight to the death for them, I have to say that's a first.
6456477
Then how is there still new original content ;p?
I can't wait for more!
You know what? I
ing love this already. My mind's eye is flooded with images of a changeling running through a wheat field, panicked scrambling through dark tunnels and evil griffins shooting bolts into a defenseless refugee. Poeticity levels are running at maximum efficiency, and I thank you for it. 
So glad to have you back, Meep!
Interesting concept for this. Any additional Equisverse is welcome, and a somewhat more serious take is an interesting twist. I'm a big fan of Swords and Sorcery style fantasy anyway, so a combination of it and your 'verse sounds exactly up my alley. I like the sound of this hive's coloration, too.
Harsh ending to have made it that far just to run into that welcome. I have a bad feeling about Jasper. Jade certainly has the plot armor to survive, but the story description says nothing about a little sister and that's a bad sign for her.
This sounds familiar. Reminds me of that one comic/tumblr thingy that one artist did involving the 'lost' child of Armor and Chrysi. At least for the starting items anyway. Nonetheless, I hope to see this story continue and unfold!
6457054 If you dig a little deeper, you will always find something that it's "ripping off" even if the author was unaware of it period. For example the original Star Wars movies are basically the Japanese movies The Seven Samurai and The Hidden Fortress mashed up and put in space. Just about every single fantasy story ever incorporates just a little of The Lord of the Rings, which is a rip off of a Viking Saga, Greek Mythology, and Plato's Republic. See? As far as I can tell original just means "An interesting spin on this narrative idea."
6456991 I'm kind of sad that I'm the first to not only decide there should be multiple changeling hives, but that changelings themselves are far more likly to be symbiotes than parasites. I mean... we fans have decided they eat love. What's more effisht to get food? Impersonate loved one after killing them, eat for a while, move on to next target; or *glomp* "Hi!!!"
So I have always seen Chrysalis as a sort of Ivan the Terrible. A complete psychotic mess with a lot of power over others who was probably a serial killer before he took the crown.
6457251 I'm glad you like my writing style! I've worked realy hard on it, and it realy shines when I do serious work like this sort of stuff. If you like me you'll probably like books written by Brian Jacques, Timothy Zahn, and James Patterson (particularly his series Maximum Ride). I based my own style off of their work.
6457764 Apparently this is a common story premise. Ah well just means I'll have to realy make it shine to stand out.
6458009 I look forward to it. ;3
I love the fact that there's a cliff-hangar! (Yes, I contributed to another chapter :D)
6457967 Completly bullshit, lotr, different ideas completly different characters only idea of adventure itself is same. Can't say anything about seven samurai because i don't watch anime but I know they have completly different view on world and I'm 90% sure that outside very general idea its not the same.
You just don't read enough or you are just ignorant to think that everything is ripoff
6459387 Heh... Yeah no, most of LTOR is a ripp off. J.R.R. Tolkein, who was a professor of Anglo Saxon studies at Oxford, said many times that Der Ring des Nibelungen (The Ring Cycle, or The Cycle of the Ring, in English), a cycle of four epic operas by the German composer Richard Wagner which were adaptations of an old Norse Saga was one of two things that most influenced LTOR. They are basically the same story. Bennett the Sage makes a pretty good summery of everything in this review of an anime which rips off the same Saga: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTb-TpDV-40
Here's the full list of things LTOR blenderized to make it's story: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J._R._R._Tolkien's_influences
I'm not saying that LTOR is bad by the way, just that it has source material. Also the Seven Samauri is not an anime it's a live action movie, it also was ripped off almost completely by the American movie The Magnificent Seven. You should probably read up on the history of fiction a bit more before you decide to argue it with a Humanities major / Creative Writing minor.
Oh gosh, I hope that's not a thing.
Certainly off to a gripping start! Can't wait to see more!
6459567 I'm glad you like it! As for your question, I am unfortunately not quite sure what you are asking. So I'll answer both possibilities I thought of. No, Jade did not send memories of what their mom said through the link. Yes, this is a thing that can happen to changelings: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cordyceps
This is what it dose to a given arthropod it infects. WARNING, PARASITIC FUNGI LOOKS REALLY NASTY: https://www.utexas.edu/courses/zoo384l/sirena/species/fungi/cordyceps_campanotus%20.jpg
Needless to say, I am very glad that crap is only in the tropics. You can also see why it would be used as a changeling expletive.
A very good start, I enjoyed the chapter and look forward to seeing more.
Although I personally don't like the idea of exploiting readers by saying you will only update based on the level of comments.
6459671 That's only for three chapters or so to see if there's enough fan interest to finish the story. I don't want to dedicate my time to writing something if no one wants to read it. Once I have confirmed there is an audience, and they like the story, that rule goes away. I only let people know I am doing that to be sure that people who like it comment, so I know they like the story. In my experience only about 10% of readers comment, so I figured a "heads up" was in order.
6459603 I was balking at the idea of changeling-affecting cordyceps... poor little bugpones!
*grabs the fungicide spray*
Though apparently cordyceps is edible. Not sure if I could manage to add 'exploded grasshopper fungus' to my cuisine, personally...
6459711
Then I apologize. I understand the concept of wanting people to be interested in what you write. I'd like that myself. I clearly misunderstood your intentions and will be keeping an eye on this story.
6459744 There's a reason the bug pones left the tropics in my AU >>
6457986
I love the Idea of multiple hives, I've seen one or two other writers use this idea, I really like the concept that each is represented of a different jewel.
And yes, it go's back to that example you game to Minnuet, "Its like copping down an apple tree to get the apples, it only works once."
6459799 I accept your apology, I completely understand. Fear not, I'm not a pretentious attention whore. As for the rest, awesome! Should be a new chapter tomorrow.
6459915 Ayyyyy! Someone actually remembers my scribbles! ^/^ Have a cookie!
6459918
YAY! cookie!! *NOM*
Here, have some love
6459921 Yay! Edible energy signature!
6459911 I like it! Nice little worldbuilding tidbit.
I wonder if changeling cordyceps is a delicacy in qilin/longma territory...
6460206 ... Cue the clip brain! https://youtu.be/NIufLRpJYnI?t=27s Thank you brain.
As a stylistic thing, I'm not much a fan of the way you indicated that the main character's mother was speaking both aloud and through the hive mind. Angle brackets inside speech just make me think of speech in a different language being translated for the reader. Maybe put the angle brackets on the outside?
I found a small grammatical error in
It should be but trust me, actually blending in or but trust me: actually blending in instead. You need some kind of punctuation between trust me and actually blending in.
I don't think informed works here, replied would flow better.
I know what you're saying here, but usually shook my head implies you're signaling no. Not a big deal, but I'd change shook my head yes to nodded my head yes or nodded my head or even just nodded.
One last thing,
The semicolon is in the wrong place here, and conjunctions (such as and) are generally dropped after a semicolon; it's like the semicolon replaces the comma and the conjunction (see how I did it?). I recommend changing this bit to
Just seems to flow better, at least to me.
Having said all of that, I like the premise here, it's one I rarely see. I love the legends of Equestria in the description, kind of emphasizes how special Equestria is, especially to a species that lives on any kind of positive emotion. Also, I don't find many fics where Chrysalis is actually a competent evil, but still learned from her defeat and has left Equestria alone. Most of them are just about her looking for revenge.
Definitely looking forward to seeing more of this!
A truly intriguing start. That turn at the end of the chapter came out of nowhere, yet makes perfect sense. Had me hissing at my tv screen in anger.
Effing profiteers.
Huh, the more I read about Griffins in any stories the more I hate them.
Great read, I can't wait to see more.