Horse Apples

by Cheesetheory

Chapter 3: Hardcore

The first thing I noticed was that there were apples everywhere. Granted, the fact that it was an apple farm meant that seeing some apples was a given, but holy guacamole were there a lot of apples. Whoever was in charge of the construction must have had some unnatural fixation with them, I had to have seen at least four apples on the front of the building alone.

Needless to say I was beginning to get sick of apples, but apparently it wasn't enough for their homestead to be loaded with apples, they all had to have apple themed names as well. The orange mare called herself Applejack, and as she told me about the rest of the family I could only grow more and more concerned about pony naming conventions. Her younger sister Apple Bloom was small with a yellow coat and a red mane, her older brother Big Macintosh was big and red, and Granny smith was old and green.

As we entered her home, thoughts once again flooded my mind, 'How did they know at birth that Big Mac was going to be big? And for that matter, how much longer will Granny Smith live? If she's as old as Applejack says then I have good reason to believe the universe is keeping her alive for the sole purpose of fulfilling that one gag. On that note, who in their right mind names a kid granny?'

We entered the kitchen and Applejack set me down on a table in the middle of the room, then left, coming back a minute later with a smaller pony who I recognised from Applejack's descriptions as Apple Bloom. She fitted the description pretty well, she had a laser lemon coat with a red mane and amber eyes. She was also wearing a giant pink bow for some reason, and i'm not exaggerating, the bow was almost the size of her head and must have used some ancient and dark magic to keep itself upright. 'Do all the ponies in this place wear large and ostentatious accessories? Maybe they wear them to stand out, or maybe it's just Black Friday.'

I heard Applejack cough into her hoof, I must have spaced out for a while because she had a concerned look on her face. She stared at me a bit more before saying "Well?"

"Well, what?" I replied.

"I was just askin' if ya'll minded Apple Bloom keepin' ya' company while I'm gone. I'm gonna see if a friend of mine knows anything about talking apples"

Look, I don't mind kids, I think they're lovely... When they're nowhere near me. Which is why i responded with "Why don't you just take me with you?"

"Because I don't wanna carry ya' all the way to Ponyville with my teeth"

"Are you calling me fat?"

"Look, all ya' have to do is sit there, I shouldn't be gone for long."

I was about to respond when I noticed Applejack had already left, leaving me with a monster more evil than anything hell could produce. A child.

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"Hey, ya' still there?" Apple Bloom asked, interrupting my thoughts.

"Yes"

"Okay, so ah was thinkin' you could-"

I tuned her out again and continued to lament, 'What did I do to deserve this? Is this punishment for giving that food critic the finger because he said the caramel on his Crème brûlée was too thick? No, I'm certain he was in the wrong. So why?'

Apple Bloom seemed to have no problem accepting that a piece of fruit could speak, immediately striking up a conversation the moment her sister left the room. And when she started talking, she just. Didn't . Stop. On the bright side, I learned a lot about the world I now inhabit. For instance, between her ramblings about life on the farm and something called a 'cutie mark', she mentioned Equestria. At first it just seemed like she was referring to equines in the same way people on Earth would say 'humanity', but then she started talking about her sister's adventures, which took place 'all over Equestria' as she put it.

When I learned the name of their country I was dumbfounded, 'Why would anyone name a country after their species? A country named Humania would never be taken seriously back home, though I suppose I should expect as much from the same ponies who name themselves after fruit.'

I noticed the kid had stopped talking and was now looking at me expectantly, she must have asked me a question. Not wanting to make the same mistake twice in one day, I hesitantly said "Sure, I'd love to", and I instantly regretted doing so.

"Yay!" She exclaimed so loudly that I could swear I heard a ringing in my nonexistent ears, "Come on, we don't wanna be late!"

'Well, whatever I've agreed to, it couldn't be that bad. Could It?'

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Okay, this tea party wouldn't be so bad, if I could drink the tea. I looked longingly at the small plate of eclairs on the table, sitting next to a pot of herbal tea and some odd looking scones, the fact that I could smell the tea only made matters worse. 'Why can I smell food if I can't even eat it?'

I was sitting in a tree house with three fillies who called themselves the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and it actually wasn't that bad. Mostly because I was too distracted by the food to take notice of what they were saying. We were sitting around a square table with the typical tea party setup, but with one catch, the food was actually interesting. In fact, I was amazed by the quality of the desserts, just by looking at them I could tell that they were crafted by a true artisan, someone who understood the finer intricacies of confectionery that few people understood. This was the kind of perfection that required years of backbreaking labour to achieve, talent alone couldn't get someone this far, one would need a short lifetime of acquired skill.

"I've never seen eclairs as beautiful as those," I praised, "whoever made them truly has an unparalleled mastery, and those scones for that matter, they don't look like regular ones."

"Eh, I've seen better" The one named Scootaloo, a winged pony who had an orange coat and purple hair, spoke before shoving one of them in her mouth, taking no time to acknowledge the flavour before swallowing.

What.

"I gotta agree with Scootaloo," said Apple Bloom, "Bonbon's a good cook an' all but I'd hardly say she's a master. And I think she called them 'Griffon Scones', or something like that."

"Look, I wouldn't expect you to understand, but these were clearly produced by someone with a high level of skill." I said, once again praising this 'Bonbon' character.

'Where did these kids get this stuff from anyway? You don't just walk into any old candy store and ask for confectioneries of this quality.'

The unicorn filly known as Sweetie Belle, who with a white coat with a pink and purple mane spoke in a squeaky voice "Who, Bonbon? Yeah, I guess she's pretty good, she has a candy store in town."

'Okay... Well, some of the greatest artists in history came from less than desirable places, perhaps Bonbon is of that ilk.'

Realising that it would be quite a while before my queries would be answered, I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind and instead focused on the fillies in the room with me. I asked "Alright then, I'll have to find out more later, in the mean time could you tell me more about this place?"

Apple Bloom seemed surprised at the sudden change in subject, and said "Oh, well, it used to belong to Applejack, but she hadn't used it in a while and it was really old and dusty, so we spruced it up."

"I was talking about this world" I stated.

"Oh, okay, well what do you wanna know?"

"Everything" I would have regretted fueling the fire that was Apple Bloom's talkativeness, but I was genuinely interested in this world, especially with people like Bonbon to shine a light into the darkness. I listened intently to all the information they had to offer, I had forgotten about the exotic eclairs and scones, I was more interested in learning about the other foods Equestria had to offer.

'When I go home I'm bringing back every exotic recipe this land has to offer. Hey, hold on just a tooth picking minute, did she say Griffon Scone?'