Rainbow Dash is going to pass away due to cancer and these last and final days of her life will be the best and worst of it.
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 11th May, 2015
- offline last seen Oct 27th, 2015
ginger468
Comedy writter pretty much also voice actor if anybody needs one
ginger468
Joined 11th May, 2015 ·
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that end doe
i loved the story
5998031 thank you and I think next time I'll triple check it so things like that don't happen again.
5998031 FIXED IT!
If anybody finds any words that looks like they are missing tell me so I can fix it for future stories.
5998886
I'm sorry, but what you need is not somepony to point out missing words, but a full flexed editor. The first hint is that every chapter is below 1000 words. Your are missing emersion of any kind. There is no emotional investment in any charackters. No details. No much of anything. I'm sorry to say this, but this reads like a bad summary of an actual story. And even as such it doesn't give much.
It starts with cancer of the heart. Found in a routine check. As far as I know there is about one case of heart cancer every year. And they are mostly found on autopsie. A routine check would hardly reveal this within 5 minutes. Then there is the "you have 1 week to life" plot. Any doctor who does that should be fired. He should sit Rainbow down and slowly and carefully explain her what is going on, what her prognosis is, and what chances of death apply to which durations. But let's ignore this for now. So Rainbow is deadly ill, with a heart disease. Surely what she should do is not to fly and around and certainly hard sports such as racing against the Wonderbolts are out of question. One would certainly notice the changes in endurance etc.
Then there is the behavior of you charackters. Hi Pinkie, I'm near dead. You know Rainbow, this screams PARTEYYY. Pretty sure Pinkie would react a little more shocked and less happy. Then again you show near to naught of their emotions. You gave them hardly 2 sentences each. And her death was, well, weird. Really, how do you think Scootaloo would react? At least try to describe it.
So, my recommendation for you is to sit back. Have a look at writers guides. Have a look at the writers trainings groups. And get yourself sompony willing to really work with you. Have a Scootaloo for that
5999058 Well first of all thank you I love seeing stuff like this BUT, your words do have some problems. 1 Do you really expect a fan writer on the internet to know about how doctors do stuff? 2 The flying around stuff good point. 3 the characters reactions yeah I should've worked a lot harder on that the only character that said more then 2 words was Apple Jack and Rarity kinda tried to hind it, but Twilight, I honestly should've worked harder on her reaction I mean for god's sake she's one of my favorite of the mane 6 and as for Pinkie that kinda goes with the fact that yes I should've made a better reaction but Pinkie didn't want Rainbow's last days to be depressing, remember pinkie does wanna see you smile. 4 That ending I admit was terribly week considering the reaction could have been worked a lot better but in a way Scootaloo was kinda happy for Rainbow Dash knowing that she was going to die well happy. And as for Rainbow Dash's death her death could've been done a lot better but I kinda wanted her death to end on a sad yet light note.
5999058 and most of all I probably should work on my writing more and I should also stay away from fanfictions and stay with comedies. As for emotional investment well I expected people to take the characters from the show and use that for emotional investment but still should at least done something better then that. Thank you for reviewing this it shows that I need work a lot harder on my characters and hopefully i'll do a rewrite of this in the future.
5999058 I think I need to fix this story up a bit i'll message you when it's fixed
5999630
In short: yes. Of course you don't have to do the research. But if you want people to really enjoy you story, quality is important. And it's such things that raise a good story to a great story. Given, you foremost have to work on your writing style for now, and on how to detail stuff out. But reading at least the wiki article is recommended. Then there are also ask groups around who can help you with such questions.
For me personally, I do not write a single thing without backing it up with peer-reviewed literature. If you truely want to explore how people react to tragedy, it's worth the effort.
I really do not recommend expecting your reader to do any work for you. That's not how it works. At least not on this level. While wIth reading the reader is expected to fill the novel with his own imagination, this does not hold for filling full missing scenes, or extending dialouges to realistic depth. Your job as an author is not to wip broad concepts at your reader, but to emerge him into your ideas.
I'll be sure to have a look again once your story is reworked. I read everything tagged with Scootaloo anyway
5999733 Thanks these are some pretty good points thanks for the help.
Hmmm... Two things I think need work.
One. Grammar.
Two. it all happens so... Briefly. There is not mutch emotion, and that really takes a LOT from an otherwise promising story.
However, despite plenty of room for improvement, I think this is an interesting concept, and rainbow dying in the middle of the race could be very emotional if A rewrite/edit was done because the feeling of freedom and confidence all slipping away in an instant as she falls from the sky, conscience fading.
So yeah, not a bad story, but it needs some work done.
6000350 well good for 1 of those two things will be fixed. The 2nd one.
6000350 and the first one to maybe.
This story gave too much info on the plot in the description, removing the non-existent tension in the story. This was a failure at a sad story. The grammar let it down, and so did the pacing. I didn't bother finishing it. A lot of room for improvement
- Altaimare
6001990 THATS IT BACK TO COMEDY