derpy, luna, and sweetie belle are my fav mlp characters. am native american, irish, dutch, french, british, scottish, czech, slovakian, german, yadda yadda yadda.
Time's mistake ruins everything. he thought that his girl friend would never love him again. but when he runs away, Derpy goes after him with her four friends at her heels. well, if she had heels. she just has hooves. get it? hooves? because her last name is hooves? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
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can't fit all characters. sorry.
its okay? i only came here for laughs because your summary had horrible grammer.
Eh, it's not the best story. But it's also not the worst. The grammar is serviceable, other than some errors.
I did notice, however, several storytelling issues with this story. First, you describe your characters in such a way that assumes the reader does not know what the character looks like. This entirely unneeded, as the vast majority of your potential readership will know Derpy, Whooves, Lyra, Bon Bon, Vinyl, and Octavia.
Second, you fail to establish your characters' personalities and relationships. While everyone in this fandom knows these six, we do not know which version of them you are using in this story. Unlike the established characters like Fluttershy and Cheerilee, these six background characters have no defined personalities. Lyra has been portrayed as a conspiracy theorist, a lovable goofball, a complete psycho, etc.. In this story, the only character that you define is Doctor Whooves. However, you did not define much about him, other than this is the Doctor, a character with defined personality. Except, you did not define which Doctor he is based on. 10? 11? 10 & 11? 4? I can't tell, he doesn't do or say anything that could distinguish him.
Third: Pacing. This had several plot points: normal day turns into a mystery with switched cutie marks. Doctor goes away in shame. Something about a third grade experiment. Derpy is sad and comforted by her friends. Friends all go searching for the Doctor. They find him and are almost arrested. Epilogue. Each of these plot points could have been stretched out into a chapter of at least 2000 words each. With the current length, it does not do it justice. This seems like a good idea, but the execution is lacking. I'm also unable to care much about the situation, as it occurs too quickly and with no buildup or explanation.
Fourth: Human and random tag are not needed. This story attempts to follow a coherent plot and does not use meta humor or absurd situations. There are no humans in this story (remember, the Doctor is not a human, and he is not in humanoid shape, nor are there any references to humans).
Fifth: Lyra, Bon Bon, Vinyl, and Octavia contribute almost nothing to the story. They are part of this mess, with their entire lives changed. They are friends with A TIME TRAVELLING ALIEN, and the whole point of having a group of diverse characters is the interactions. There are almost none. These characters need serious upgrade and increased involvement to justify this "alternate main six" type of story.
Sixth: Rainbow Dash. Why? Why is she here? Is she a police officer? Why is she angry about time travel? How does she know the Doctor is a time traveller? Why is time travel illegal? Time travel is a canon thing in the show, and Twilight never got in trouble when she time traveled. There is no reason in this story at all for it to be illegal. If this is an effect of the AU created, then it should be stated. Also, if a criminal is backed up by 10 people who assist in resisting arrest, you arrest everyone for obstructing law enforcement and resisting arrest. Police can call back up, and there is no way illegal time travel is a misdemeanor. It's time travel.
Lastly, there are a few continuity errors, such as saying that they searched for the Doctor for 3 days, when according to the time skips, it was only 5 hours. Also, what about their switched cutie marks? Did they ever get them back?
Hope this helps, and good luck on future your future writing endeavors!
It burrrnssss!
Seriously, thanks for the laugh. This was great.
5834259 first of all, I described the characters because normal authors describe the characters in their story, so I thought it would be ok. Second, I admit I forgot to describe the personalities of the ponies. Or should I say ponyalities?
And to answer another question, I based Whooves on doctor number ten. Third, since I'm autistic I can't really fit each detail in different chapters. I tried and look where that got me. Fourth, in my version of the story Whooves's original form is human. You'll see that in the sequel. Fifth, I dont know how to answer. Sixth, when twilight accidentally cast that spell that changed the cutie marks dashie thought that time travel is dangerous because twi changed the past in a bad way. And lastly, time speeds up in my story. I'll fix that in a bit.
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I will now reply to your replies.
First off, what I meant about describing the characters, I meant that in fan fiction and journalism specifically. For example, everyone on this website knows who Derpy is. Everyone can describe her appearance, so it is not needed at all, it just wastes space. As for the other authors, I do not know very many well-known or successful authors on this site that describe Rarity as "the white unicorn fashionista with a three diamond cutie mark". They may mention it once, but not as a description for early on. Another example would be in any news article in America, no one since 2009 has to describe Barack Obama as "the first Black President of the United States of America, and also a Democrat". Everyone already knows. No need to spend two or more sentences describing each character that you already know. It doesn't make good reading.
Secondly, that's a really bad pun. Besides, aren't intelligent talking ponies persons too? If not, what would you call the personalities of a zebra or a donkey?
Third, please don't use autism as an excuse on this site. This gets a lot of people angry, not because they don't like autistic people, but they hate authors using autism as an excuse. It really isn't. There are famous and successful autistic authors out there -Link. and second link. Even if you are autistic, it is not an excuse. If you have problems with graamar, get a proofreader. If you have problems with writing, either don't write, or try harder. Take time to create a better experience. There is no rush. Writing is a long and arduous process, and there is no reason to limit yourself based on your disabilities or disadvantages. People with the same disability as you have become acclaimed authors, and so can you.
Fourth, Whooves doesn't really give any indication he is human. BUT. Remember, the Doctor is NOT human. He looks human, but is completely unrelated to them. After all, you wouldn't list a dolphin as a shark just because they look similar.
Fifth, I don't know, just make them do more stuff. Make them have personalities, argue, talk to each other, shout, scream, scared of their lost cutie marks, something.
Sixth, THEN EXPLAIN THAT. Also, just because someone considers something "bad" doesn't mean its illegal. If I thought driving was bad, doesn't mean I can go arrest someone for driving. Also, Rainbow Dash has no authority to arrest, and even if she did, there was no indication that she knew that the Doctor and friends had time travel. Also, Twilight has time traveled a week into the past before in It's About Time,where she was visited by her future self, and no one decided that was a bad thing.
Lastly, hope you do better. There is no reason to give up because of your disadvantages. If you work hard enough, you can be a good author. Even if you can't do it by yourself, this website has entire groups for helping with your stories, such as the Proofreader Group. There is also this other group.
Uh Writers Should always do what makes sense to them,
5837268 thank you!
Finally!
Well... It wasn't the best...
5835696 OMG u r rite. Duuuuuhr! Y didn't I think about that? Ur a genius. Thanks 4 the tip.