I’m not sure whether it was the rain or my tears that blurred my vision as I cantered out of the university’s gates, but I didn’t care either way. The familiar world around me was clouded in the haze of rain and my own confusion. The clouds that tumbled ever lower in the sky were as chaotic as the questions that lurked in my mind.
“Why this?” Was the only thing I could whisper between each breath I drew. My mind was so fixated on what happened, yet I couldn’t make heads or tails of the event. I was still fighting myself and now I was fighting against the stallion who had mentored me.
“Why this?” I whispered as I broke into a gallop. Each step my hooves took against the cobblestone sent a twinge of pain through my body. I wasn’t used to exercise like this, as you can probably imagine, so the unfamiliar sensation gave me another reason to continue. It felt numb, as though the pain of exercise was washing away the pain in my mind.
“Why this?” The rain tore at my face as I ran ever faster through the streets. No pony was out, and maybe that was for the better. I could barely see, and stumbling into somepony else outside could have been a devastating event. Most importantly, however, was that I just wanted to be alone. The implications of what had just happened had changed so much of what I had once believed to be fact.
Does he even care about me at all? I thought as I blinked away my tears. My heavy breathing forbade me from speaking once more, but the thoughts continued all the same. I was struggling to collect the pieces of my life that had suddenly been scattered like chaff. I needed something to hold on to, something to bring my mind to rest, but nothing came to my aid. Everything I had that thought was wrong.
I only liken that mental tumbling to the sensation of falling. Pieces of what I had once called solid ground floated around me, and every time I tried to grab hold I realized that it was falling as well. No matter how hard I tried to reason my way around what had just happened, I could do nothing to stop my own demise. My gallop slowed to a trot as questions became more distinct. Arguments sparked in my mind, a war between my intuition and my emotion raged beyond my control. I felt helpless at the conflict, but I was the one who took the casualties. My confidence, my security, and my hope all came under fire as those two forces clashed. On one side, I would blame myself for daring to hope in such wondrous dreams that I had once seen as guaranteed. On the other, I tried to justify Evenstar’s action against me. I mean, I wanted to be able to sacrifice myself for the world, but being sacrificed isn’t an enjoyable experience.
I think it was the stumble that brought me back to reality. The rain had only grown thicker, and as such the stones beneath my hooves had become rather slick. I must have sidestepped one of them, but luckily I was able to catch myself before toppling to the ground. As I collected myself a notion arose from the battlefield of my mind. I was lost.
Not only were my thoughts chasing themselves in circles, but the unsettling feeling of unfamiliarity crept through the rain. It was in the awnings that I didn’t quite recognize and the road that seemed just a bit narrower that what I was used to. I tried to discern anything above the roofs of the towering tenements beside me, but the rain masked anything I could use to get my bearings.
That’s when I realized how cold I was. My powerful gait had plashed water onto my stomach, and the cloak I wore on my back had grown heavy with rain in the deluge. I pulled it closer, knowing full well that it would do little to keep me warm, but the protection it offered was vaguely comforting. There was something about the rain cloaked world around me that had sparked a sensation of imminent dread in my heart. To be honest, I was rather thankful for it as my mind was no longer fixated on warring with itself. However, fear is not a healthy state of mind when you’re trapped in the rain in an unfamiliar section of town. Even if you yourself are in no real danger, your mind can conjure up fears you never knew you had.
That’s when I started looking for things I had only seen in my imagination. As I scooted beneath one of the nearby awnings and gave myself a good shake, I started to perceive things in rain. For a moment, as a sheet would dash across the road, I could see a figure standing in the distance, just outside of my reliable vision. A moment later, and it had disappeared like a ghost. I shook my head, trying to rid my mind of these apparitions of fear, but they refused to leave. Looking away made it grow far worse, for I could not watch where it might appear next.
A loud crash tore through the rain. I jumped, probably higher than I ever had before, at the sound. It felt like I had been assaulted in a way, but as the noise subsided, I began to reflect inward once more. Something about the haunting street reminded me of myself. Fleeting images of thing I couldn’t discern floated by in the rain. I wanted a chance to make things whole again, to stop myself from falling in this endless cycle of confusion, but nothing was assured.
“So that’s it,” I said to no pony in particular. “This is what I’m going to be.” I was speaking from the heart, trying to talk myself through the nonsense that had just happened. “You aren’t part of their world, and you never really will be. You’re different, so what? Difference doesn’t mean you’re better or worse, all it means in this world is that you aren’t allowed in. No earth pony has ever done what you’re doing, not because they couldn’t do it, but because the world wouldn’t let them. It’s not fair…” Tears began to stream from my eyes as I started to let go of the hope that I had fought so hard to hold onto.
“So why even bother? Why go to such lengths to only find yourself crushed again?” I paused to look through the rain once more. “Why don’t you just do what you’re told?” My vision blurred once more as the tears returned. It was such a unique pain that ran through my body, one of true loss. I suppose the old adage rang true. Ignorance is bliss. At least I thought I was worthwhile as I toiled away in the lab. Now the curtain had been drawn back, and behind it was revealed the awful truth. “You’re nothing to them.”
I think the words shocked the tears away. It felt like a burden had been lifted off my back, like I had finally revealed everything that I had once feared about my life and it wasn’t something to be afraid of at all. The hopelessness was still there, but something made it seem less repulsive than before. An overwhelming sense of apathy washed over me, and as the rain poured around me, I began to focus.
My shaking slowed, my heart calmed, and my mind began to clear itself of its chaos. As everything came clearer, I found myself fixated into the grey void along the street. Initially I couldn’t make out anything distinct, but as the rain folded and whipped across the road, I noticed something in the center. Rather, I felt like I noticed it. I would catch its form every now and again in a window of rain. A drop of rain tapped my nose and pulled me free of my trance. I had started to lean precariously close to the edge of the awning’s protection. I carefully backpedaled toward the center of the road and shook the water from my face once more.
“I guess I’ll wait then,” I mumbled as I glared at the sheets of rain. I started to follow them as they coursed through the road. It was the only thing I could do to pass the time, but as one disappeared into the haze, I saw the figure again. This time it was much more distinct, much larger. A few seconds of intent staring later, and I could make out its form. It was about the height of a pony, and as I watched it grow evermore distinct in the rain, a small streak of color peeked through the veil.
“Amethyst?”
I wasn’t sure what to do, so, like the idiot I was, I remained beneath the awning as the pony lumbered toward me. They took a few steps forward, paused, and looked to either side of themselves. I wasn’t sure what they were doing, but as they repeated the process, I could hear the faint sound of a familiar voice. It was Amethyst and as she started toward me once more, I realized she was looking for something, or rather, someone.
“Starswirl!” Her voice called again. That’s when I finally snapped to my senses. I stumbled out into the rain and raced toward my friend.
“I’m right here!” I called out as I came into earshot.
“There you are!” She shouted through the deluge. “We were both worried sick!” She drew me into a deep embrace before I had a chance to react.
And then, for several seconds, we stood there. I, for one, was rather confused at her reaction and immediately tried to pull away, but she pulled me tighter still. “Umm, Amethyst? There’s a… an awning over there.”
“Ah,” she playfully growled, “A little rain never hurt anypony. I’m just happy you’re safe.”
I wasn’t so easily swayed by her quip, and began slowly walking backwards toward the protection of the awning. When she finally did release me, she followed suit until we were clear of the torrent. She shook herself off and finally asked the question I had been dreading. “Why did you run off like that?”
Immediately all of the concern and anguish that I had felt only moments ago flooded back into my mind. I wiped away a tear as I started to speak. “Do you know what it feels like to be used? To be told by the only pony that believed in you that you’re not worth it at all?” I drew in a staggering breath as I scrambled to pull myself together. “Do you know what it’s like to live in a world that, no matter how hard you try you can’t break free of the one thing that’s holding you back? I don’t think you would. You’re one of them, one of the unicorns, one of the ponies that will always start where my future ends. I shouldn’t be doing this, it’s all wrong! I’m living a lie, one that I’ve told myself to make me feel the odds are in my favor, but they’re not! I can’t do magic, I can’t even imagine what you and Evenstar can conjure up. I’m nothing, you’ve got everything, you’ve had it since birth! How do you think that makes me feel!?”
By now tears were streaming down my cheeks and I was choking on my words. I tried to catch my breath, to reel myself in and continue my rant, but all I could do was let the emotion flow. I turned away. Amethyst was the last pony that I wanted to admit this to. She had always been kind, aside from the instance with the flying dictionary, and all I was doing now was shouting at her for being different.
“I’m sorry.” I muttered. “You have everything you need to do whatever you want, I just… I don’t think I can keep doing this.”
I turned to her once more, wiping the tears away as I tried to calm myself. That’s when I noticed her eyes. They weren’t angry, upset, or patronizing. Instead they were sorrowful. “Starswirl,” she started, “We don’t have everything.” She took a deep breath and blinked away tears of her own. “And I know exactly how you feel.”
“How?” I whispered “How could you possibly know what it’s like to have everything you’ve ever wanted just out of your reach?”
She looked to the ground and shook her head, much in the same way I had been doing throughout the past hour. Then, a moment later, she steeled herself and returned my gaze and paused.
Just say it, I thought as I tried to search her stare for the answer. Tell me I’m right! Tell me that you’re sorry that I can’t be like you. I know it’s coming just get it over with!
She drew her breath once more, leaned forward, and pressed her lips against my own.
My eyes shot open as I felt her unbridled passion answer the question I had always wanted to know. My heart raced as a surge of pent up desire coursed through my body. I tried to speak, but only a hum vibrated through our lips.
As she pulled away, I drew in a breath. “I…” I stammered, trying to cope with the swirling emotions that had captured my mind.
She spoke once more as grateful tears filled the corners of her eyes. “But sometimes, we just have to try… No matter what anypony else says.”
Starswirl's brain just went BSOD
Yes.
7381237 I was about to end the chapter on something like "And then... well, I just froze" but decided against it.
FINALLY
7381387 I feel ya man. Starswirl wasn't picking up anything she was laying down.
7381387
I hear ya there! And I thought it was hard holding off the first kiss of my own couple until the 13th chapter, and here Lunar managed to hold off on it until the 48th chapter? WOW way to go Lunar! You have more willpower on that than I do! But YAAAAAAY we finally see them kiss. And in a rainstorm, awww such a cute way to do it.
7386061 Good luck. It's an emotional rollercoaster at times.
He loses one fight, and totally wrecks anther with an over bearing victory.
....n-now kiss again. o>O
7387049
Memoirs of a Magic Earth Pony in a nutshell.
Chapter XLVII
Answer
Or:
In which Rainythist the Ignored steals Starwet the Ignorant's tonsils.
Well he got a kiss or how she stole his breath and is now a breathpire stealing other ponies breath
7381410 To be fair, neither did I to be honest.
Where did these moments occur? A few hints please?
Beside the obvious one presented here where Ammy hugs for a little longer than need be.
Oh. Before I forget.
Something is wrong with this...
7394326 how so?
Hot damn... I just finished catching up, and I can't wait for more. This has to be one of the most engaging fics I've read, and after the story progresses a bit more to where I can feel comfortable with it, this will almost certainly hit my favorites. To say I look forward to the long story ahead is a vast understatement.
Well since I'm all caught up I thought I'd just put few of my thoughts about the story into a comment as they come to mind.
This is definitely one of the most frustrating stories that I've read. Most stories I like to read are a lot happier and while they of course have conflict at times, most of the time they are simply a happy, peacefully slice of life type thing. While this is frustrating though, it's a good type of frustrating. It makes you want to keep reading to find those rare moments of happiness and joy and the battles that are fought for them makes them oh so sweet.
Starswirl still needs therapy.
Love love love the math and science in this and also the way you interpreted magic and tied it into the natural world we know. The mental dimensions are also fascinating and a great way to bring an Earth Pony into the Unicorn world.
Stats: Over the 3 days (7/12-14) I spent reading this fic I read 142,077 words. 59,609 words on day 1, 61,411 words on day 2, and 21,057 words on days 3. 120,008 words of which were of course MoaMEP. That's 84.47%. About 20,000 of the remain words came from another fic and the last 2,000 from a new chapter of yet another. At the end of day 3 I had read a total of 1,714,114 words since I began keeping track on May 28, 2015.
7396466
Pro tip: fimfiction libraries track how many words are in them. For example, your favorites library has 2.8 million words in it. Granted, it won't track partial stories to my knowledge, so that kinda limits it some for your uses.
7394695 Apologies. Didn't specify.
Typo with the I at the beginning.
7396826
Yeah I know but I haven't actually read all the words in my favorites library. I also have read a number of fics that aren't in that aren't in any of my libraries. I keep track of how many words I read each day because I find it interesting to keep track of. Every few days I update my total words read and my average words read per day.
7397282 Ah, got it. Thanks for the info, I switched it up a bit. That section was a weird one to write, definitely one that I rewrote countless times to get just right. That time when he first saw Amethyst in the rain was something I wanted to capture correctly, and the slow reveal was pretty difficult to nail down properly without coming across as exhausting.
7396466 I definitely agree about the story being frustrating. The main thing I've been focusing on is how mediocre Starswirl not only sees himself as, but ultimately is. 90 to 95 percent of Memoirs thus far is Starswirl being really confused about a lot of things. He constantly questions his place in society, where his talents truly lie, and why he wants to do magic in the first place. I've found myself struggling to write it at times not because it's laborious, but because I really want to drive home that notion of mediocrity. He's not some super-special ultra-gifted mary-sue god-character that can do anything on a whim, in fact, he's almost the complete opposite. He even downplays his own talents with his own confidence issues.
That being said, he's also driven. That makes his victories, while few and far between, both incredibly satisfying and well deserved. In fact, one of the quotes that helped me design the outline to Memoirs was 'The road to success is lined with failure.' In the end, I'm not sure how the story's final message is going to play out, and I'm not going to spoil it for it's quite a ways away, but I can say that this is meant to be an encouraging story. Sure things don't always go well for Starswirl, in fact it seems like they almost always go bad, but if you dwell on your failures rather than learn from them, you'll be less likely to try again. Starswirl the Bearded wasn't known as 'the most powerful unicorn to ever live' by just moping around all the time.
Would it be strange to say that I've learned a lot from him? Because I know I definitely have.
7394294 I suppose a decent amount of her advances happened behind the scenes, but it wasn't a coincidence that she appeared as many times as she did when they first met. Starswirl noticed her immediately and she did as well. During their umm... incident in the room with the dictionary and a concussion (heh) Amethyst was in a state of confusion about how to deal with the situation. She'd always been seen as a 'strong woman that don't need no man' so her action was to fight back rather than accept the compliment and put herself in a vulnerable position. (Not that anything would have happened, she simply wanted to remain in control of the situation and brute force is an effective way to immediately remedy the situation.) Despite her violent actions, she was peculiarly flattered by it.
Another instance is when Starswirl and Amethyst are both in the laboratory together in chapter XXXIV: Peace.
The entire chapter, but that ending especially, was meant to show that there was something about them that made them both inherently compatible but still obfuscate Amethyst's interests enough. The rest of the chapter is her making hints in her own quirky little ways like trying to start small conversations and the like.
That being said, the more I write her character, the more I want to bring some of those interactions to light, so I've been pondering a smaller complimentary novel to write after I finish Memoirs. However, I finally feel like it's time to start branching out of fanfiction and dipping my toes into original fiction and finally write something completely original. That decision will be made after memoirs though, there's no way in hell I'm going to abandon this story with how well it's been received and how much fun I'm having writing it.
7397890
I just remembered something I also wanted to say. I really like listening to this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szj59j0hz_4) song while reading MoaMEP. I feel like the emotions in it are similar to the way Starswirl feels a lot of the time. Maybe I'm just crazy though.
7401139 I think you're crazy...
I also think I'm crazy. This is now my rocket league song, I'd forgotten about Galantis, I heard them originally about a year ago, so yeah, thanks for reminding me!
7397926 So as long as you don't end up taking this story down to convert it to original fiction, it will be fine.
God knows I have seen at least a couple former fanfiction writers do this to their more popular stories.
They treat it as if the hobby was nothing but a worthless crutch, that it was ultimately all for naught in a way.
I imagine after this story is done, you'll move off fanfiction writing on a permanent basic, correct?
That's what usually happens when writers move on to original fiction. Not that I blame them, no money in writing fanfiction.
There is an unfortunate truth to the saying that fanfiction is for amateurs. Not completely, but professionally speaking I can see why.
All I know is I am going to enjoy this story while it lasts. Goodness knows there probably won't be anything to have after it is done and over with.
Now, for the story itself. I would critique, but you are honestly beyond my own abilities.
All that need be said is to keep up the good work.
7403160 So as long as you don't end up taking this story down to convert it to original fiction, it will be fine.
Not going to lie, I have strongly considered humanizing Memoirs. It's a universal story with, what I believe to be, an insightful lesson into achieving greatness. I've even gone so far as to humanize the first few chapters, and that very well may be a project I would work on personally. However, I probably wouldn't remove it from fimfic if I did end up publishing it. Is it something that might do well on it's own? Well, maybe. However, I think Memoir's place is here, free to access and share. I wanted to tell a story, not get money out of it.
As far as continuing writing fanficiton, well, expect me to keep on writing horse words for about 3 years or so. That's how long I'll be in University getting my degree. Fanfiction is a great way for me to try new things and focus on my technique. Here I'm not pressured to write stories to put food on the table, and I don't think I ever would do something like that. I vowed to myself that I would never write clop for clop's sake because I consider my work valuable in other regards. I don't want the views, I want to capture the viewers. I want to tell stories and I want to be free to do that however I want. Writing professionally scares the absolute shit out of me, especially with how fickle my creativity can be. In the end, I just want a stable job and I want to write on the side for the rest of my life (future desires notwithstanding)
To be completely honest, I absolutely love you guys, and I know almost all of you would be upset if I started removing stories just like that. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought I would write something like this or that I would have people like you following it. I always kinda thought that I would write in a vacuum, possibly with fans that would loosely follow my work, but nothing really more than that. I never thought I was a good writer until I really started writing Memoirs and saw it actually gain traction in the fandom. For the first time in my life, my work is beginning to precede me. Between the positive reception and encouragement I've gotten on this site from my peers and complete strangers alike, I actually feel like this is something I can do well. For the first time in my life I feel like I have a legitimate skill that I can use to help people, that's all I've ever wanted to do with my life anyway. Neglecting you guys, after everything you've done for me, is absolutely out of the question in my opinion.
If this is the first step toward me becoming ultra mega super famous for writing or something, so be it. For now, I'm overjoyed with what I have, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
What do you mean 'won't be anything to have?' I know I'm personally dreading writing the ending of this story simply because then it'll be over and I'll be so tempted to continue tacking trash on and beating a dead horse to make myself feel like I haven't lost something. However, the memories, lessons, and books will last a lifetime, and I remind myself of that whenever I start dreading its completion.
As far as critque, I honestly doubt I am beyond your abilities. That would require me to trump you in literally everything with regards to literary prowess. I'm an engineering student that hated English class all through my life, hell, I can't even use semi-colons properly (I dare you to find the half dozen I've used in Memoirs only because Microsoft Word suggested it to me). I'm a novice, just barely learning the first steps toward writing truly great works. Memoirs is an incredible step in the right direction, but critiques are the stepping stones toward greatness.
7403927
What I mean is that you will end your hobby writing fanfiction, continuing anything related to it.
In my general experience, once a writer goes professional, they ditch fanfiction and avoid any mention of being related to it like the plague. Or at least, that seems to be what is the perceived perception that I get. At this point I have ceased to become surprised by such an action by wannabe professional writers. It seems the natural course of actions for writers that wish to go this route, distancing themselves from their fanfiction routes. Don't get me wrong, there are notable exceptions like Namoi Novik (Author of the Temeraire series of alternate history books.) who actively promote it, but in generally there appears to be a general disdain or indifference towards it. As if only the lowest sea scum would dare bring themselves to write for such... Unfortunate tendencies.
You know, how fanfiction is usually associated with being complete crap, with such classics like My Immortal heading the charge, which doesn't help the PR for someone writing fanfiction at all. Again, there are notable exceptions that can be found in most large scale fandoms if you look hard enough, like within Halo you have Aratech's/Rage Mage 04's Halp: Finishing the Fight that simply put are bloody well outstanding in their prose in just about every category.
Or hell, sometimes even outdo even the supposed official material, like with a certain Command and Conquer Tiberium doorstopper that just simply decimates the garbage that was spewed out of EA's behalf.
In general though, such material is only known to die hard literature fans in said fandoms, and usually do not have any notice or approval outside those inner circles.
Part of the reason why I like fanfiction myself is that not only it provides additional material to a fandom for me to consume, but even sometimes outdoes it ways that original source material could never hope to approach. I.E: Your story for instance. There is not a snowballs chance in Hell that Hasbro will even pursue a story even remotely approaching this caliber, what with their show's orientation to being family friendly. Not only that, but fanfiction can usually branch off from the original material to form their own unique takes off of their base unit of what it is based off of by forging their own unique mythos. To be honest, I dread the approach of each passing season, in how what will it joss next? Here's a pet peeve I have with fanfiction writers in this fandom in general. They do not appear to have the guts to stay steady in their own interpretations that they have originally planned out. While I understand the desire to stay true to the show itself, when it comes at the cost of the diversity of the path fan made mythos, particularly those of outstanding quality, I feel that the endeavor of writing fanfiction seems somewhat... Muted. For naught. It is hard to explain without coming off like a condescending jackass and fan of the fandom. (I will admit I am quite the latter though.)
Take the implementation of Griffenstone for instance. While not bad in of in itself, this episode has sealed off any further attempts for freely interpreting what gryphon culture and empire might look like. Hell, with Gilda, we get this rather namby, pamby apology from her and that's that. No further opportunities to build up conflict and resolution for a would be fanfiction writer. Sure, you could probably do so building up to the episode, but only up to that episode. I cannot dare imagine how much a writer on this site would be lynched if they now discounted that episode in its entirety in favor for something very different. At least, if they are new ones. Assuming that they even care for such content.
Or hey, we even have the Twilicorn incident. Want to write Twilight as a unicorn merely as an equal to her friends? BAMPH, no can do. But hey, at least we have that gaudy castle that must be hell on that cozy, rustic real-estate. So there's that. (That castle and the wings are particular sticking points for me unfortunately.)
How does this new tangent related to our current conversation? To be honest, it doesn't. It just winded up going off path. My apologies. This topic of canon and fanon always seems to creep up in my conversations in one form or another it seems.
But back to our original conversation.
Have you even seen the abominations that I have birthed on this site?
I most assure you that if you are feeling down or in doubt for your own abilities, you need look no further than my own works to boost your confidence. Your story is leagues above in being compelling in both its characters, pacing, and plot. You aren't me at least in that regard.
oh... *takes breath*
🤷