Memoirs of a Magic Earth Pony

by The Lunar Samurai

XLIII: Focus

The groan of the hinges echoed off of the seemingly cavernous walls of Evenstar’s office. The bookshelves that surrounded that lone central chair were packed to their fullest. As I let my eyes adjust to the light, I realized how blindingly muted the room was. Every color seemed a bit faded in the bright white light that shone through glass wall. It was a particularly cloudy day, but I didn’t mind too much.

As I walked to the seat, I realized my hoofsteps were deafening in the silence. I adjusted my steps as to not disturb the peace, and let my research materials come to rest on the floor. Before taking a seat, I stepped to the window. I think I wanted to see if there was anything of substance beyond that pure white light. However, as I searched through the veil, I couldn’t find anything aside from clouds. I turned to the chair and took a seat. It groaned lightly beneath my weight but it held as I rested my back into it.

So there I was, staring at the infinitely white clouds behind those panes of glass, and I had no idea what to do. At first I tried to close my eyes, but the room was so bright that I could see a faint red color that seemed to pulse with any movement I made. That wouldn’t do, as I was quickly distracted by it, so I opened them, only to be forced to squint against the bright light that flooded the room.

I’m trying to develop the next generation of mathematics and I can’t even get comfortable. I was rather frustrated at my inability to concentrate, and that irritation only made it harder to focus on my task. Within only seconds I had filled my mind with compete nonsense regarding my surroundings. What I needed to do was escape my surroundings, to put everything aside and to retreat into my mind. That powerful meditation was something that I would master later in my life, but as this was my first true attempt at such deep thought, I was completely distracted.

I let out a groan that echoed through the room. Try as I might, I could not let my mind remove itself room the world around me. I could see the small golden trim of the books glistening in the light. I could feel the stale air as I moved ever so slightly, creating tiny eddies of wind around my body. I could taste and smell the dust that eternally hung in the air as if suspended by spider webs.

“Come on,” I whispered aloud. “Don’t think about it.” As you have probably experienced, if you ask a pony to refrain from thinking of a specific object, he will suddenly become engrossed in it, unable to remove it from his mind. And thus the feedback loop started. The more distracted I became, the more frustrated I grew. That frustration led me to continue berating myself for being distracted, which distracted me all the more.

By the time I was done running my mind in circles for what felt like hours, I was completely exhausted. However, it wasn’t by my own power that I was able to stop that process. Instead, it was a small tap on the window. At the sudden introduction of something new, every facet of my mind snapped to the source of the sound. It only took a moment before I saw a small droplet intermittently tracing its way down the glass. As it staggered towards the ground far below, another drop adhered to the window. A moment later, and dozens were lightly grazing its surface.

Luckily I didn’t take the time to reflect on what was happening in my mind, for it was something truly astounding. For some reason the rain’s chaotic patter forced me to focus. It took every asset of my mind and sharpened it to the finest point. I was focused, attentive, and most importantly: ready. My mind was set to think, but focusing it would always be a monumental challenge.

Without even considering my actions, my hoof reached down to one of the books beside my chair. I pulled it up to my face and began to take in everything in an almost trancelike state. As the rain pattered away at the window, I realized my mind was slowly filling with the words and phrases I had come so accustomed to in the laboratory. Equations, theories, and proofs rang through my mind as echoes of knowledge in the scattered sound of rain.

It wasn’t until I was forced to strain against the darkness that I realized I had been reading. The sun was setting, and my mind snapped out of its trance. Everything I had just read had simply made sense. I had understood every word, equation, and diagram and there wasn’t a single question in my mind as I closed that book.

So, as I looked to the window once more, I turned to my left where a small lantern sat on the floor. A moment later and it was lit, bathing the room in a relatively harsh yellow glow. The shadows cast by the flame danced and jittered on the wall. The rain soaked window before me glistened with vibrant yellows and oranges that sparkled with each flicker of the flame. If I watched them, I could see their forms trickling down the glass, as though they were stars shifting out of their places in the heavens.

Then, from nowhere, a brilliant white light flooded the room for only a moment. Then, a few seconds later, a low roll of thunder echoed through the sky and rattled the glass before me. The storm had settled slowly, developing out of the rain that had pattered the window all day. However, it felt deceptively sudden to my mind. I had been so enraptured in my reading that I hadn’t paid much attention to the weather outside my room. In fact, I hadn’t paid much attention to anything aside from the small droplets of water and the equations that made up the creation of Amethyst’s shell.

During that tiny period of reflection, I realized what book I had just consumed. It was Amethyst’s journal, the log of detailed notes that she had kept during her rigorous pursuit of her shell spell.

“Why grids though?” I asked as my mind flashed to the dozens of pages that made up each layer of the shell. I pondered it as I watched the shell form in my mind. It grew more robust as the grid’s resolution increased, but there was a point at which it couldn’t go any further. It felt limited.

My mind flashed back to the time when Amethyst had asked me to help her with her spell, the time when Evenstar had bemoaned the criticisms of the MMU. “That’s it,” I whispered as I snapped from my trance. “Oh what was it called?” I muttered as I searched for the title of that book. “The… oh! The fundamental problem with the MMU!” I nearly shouted. That book that I had read so long ago to assist Amethyst in her research, it was a perfect starting place.

However, as I rose from the chair and started toward the door, a new sensation pulled me to a stop. It was a feeling of fear, of doubting my ability, and it came from that same book. I remembered the time when I had stepped into the realm of those unicorn students, when they had berated me to no end. It ate away at me despite how I carried myself, and the closer I drew to that door, the more I realized what I was risking. Not a day before I had been dealt a crushing blow from the ones who called me friend. Now I was stepping out into a library filled with ponies, each as superficial as the next, who had been taught that my kind was not to mingle with their own.

I began to bounce between two images, ones of Amethyst and Evenstar, and ones of the mockers and the Academy. Those close to me told me I could dare to make a difference, and those distant laughed at my attempts. I let my hoof drift from the handle. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the path ahead was one that I was not meant to take. It was fraught with obstacles and barriers that would be virtually insurmountable to a pony like me. I knew nothing of magic, and as I had realized all too suddenly, I was facing the end of the road for my magical studies. The Academy had denied my ability to even watch the discussions about the limit, a system that I had conceptualized.

You’re worthless, Starswirl, that all too familiar voice whispered through my mind. You’ve come to an end, and you’ll never go farther. Give up.

I felt myself trying to step back from the door, to avoid that confrontation that was all but inevitable. However, I also felt an urge to step forward, to test the limits and to push the barriers that could not be moved. I wanted to be the earth pony that rewrote the fundamentals of magic, to create a new system that would change the world yet again.

Then, as I stood struggling against myself, another voice rose in my mind. It’s message was different, but it used those same words. You’re worthless, Starswirl. It almost felt confident, and its strength instilled a power deep within my spirit. You’re nothing, which makes you powerful beyond measure. Fight, and your strength shall carry you.

So, after drawing a deep breath and clearing my mind, I steeled myself, stepped forward and opened the door.

Author's Note:

I'm still on track! This is day 6 of earthpony-gone-unicornwords and I'm loving every second of it! Thank you all for your encouragement in the comments, it's really helping me push myself for this.

Comments

[Booster Spice]

Fibonnacci sequence by name came much later, but the limiting value was a ratio known to the aincients, as the Golden Ratio, that which was most pleasing, as seen in the Parthenon etc.

The mathematical construction involves the value square root of 5 which I beleive is trancendental and so therefore part of the early philosophical conflicts, and drawing the shapes created form various triangles, rectangles etc, that look like certain natural forms such as snail shells and sunflower seeds, which help lead to integration of maths and nature, hopefully.

If you ask the question, how big or small is the limit, you can then say, as small as you need it or as large as you can get away with, which gives you statistics, and even more arguments.

[AdverseFlower95]

I began reading this story a few days ago and I have to say I am loving it and feel Starswirl's struggles of having bouts of horrible self esteem due to the systemic racism have been done rather well. One criticism I do have for this story is that I believe that the finance instructor, Professor Oaks, was underutilized. You introduced the point of his son being kicked out of the Advanced Magical Theory class because of the discrimination, but you never utilized that. Instead of having him warn Starswirl about the dangers of trying to change his major, it was Professor Sparks. I understand why you used Sparks, seeing as that Star would be transferring out of his class, but still believe that he could and should have had a larger part in this story.

If you are planning on him coming back into the story, sorry for jumping the gun.
Other than that nitpick I am loving the story and can wait to read more of Starswirl's struggles and whether the Star/Amethyst ship will set sail or sink due to his feelings of inadequacy of being an Earth Pony

[Unimpressive Chaos Lord]

First off, allow me to congratulate you on the atmosphere you´ve created in this chapter. I know rain is comforting on its own, but the way you described the drops of water slipping by the glass, the lighting, the light projected by the lantern... All of this within a library. It couldn´t possibly be any cozier.
I also like seeing Starswirl´s development. After meeting with such despairing rejection both from the ponies he appreciates as friends and those he intended to prove himself too, even if in different ways, he uses that to push forward and to take on the unsolvable. I admit that even if I enjoyed the slow pacing and his process of learning I was a bit bitter over the fact that he was so far behind. But finally we´ve seen some of his genius shinning through. And quite honestly, I really needed that. And now you keep on expanding on it while still maintaining a nice pace. Great job!
I also like this hint of cruel realism; right at the beginning of the story we were told that he uses a unicorn´s name to publish his work. That just shows that prejudice will never cease to pester him. Sad but what can you expect from the ponies who leave out the cause of a breach in mathematics' understanding because he lacks a horn? I do enjoy that kind of pessimistic message; you alone won´t change the world, and if you start a change there´s little chance you´ll see it realized, but you must keep pushing forward.
It´s a good message for our current world.
In any case, great chapters. I´m seriously impressed by your publishing proficiency.

[Kilobytes]

No update for a few days....

Something good must be coming!

[The Lunar Samurai]

7290693 Ehh, my typical schedule is one chapter per week. Unfortunately, I've been working to get my home ready for my cousins wedding tomorrow, so I might not be able to update Memoirs this week. That being said, some pretty good things are definitely coming.

[Backlash91]

I recently decided to check out this story. It held a sense of wonder to me and, curious, I dove in.

I am found now wanting more, and there is no "next" button to continue my adventure.

I do hope you, the author, can fix this problem as soon as possible, because this story is quite grand and has captured both my desire to learn, but my imagination as well.

[MudakTheMultiplier]

Chapter XLIII
Focus
Or:
In which Snoopswirl the Persistent breaks into his mentor's office to read his coworker's journal.

[BronyKat]

7359320
Sounds like an office rip off