Memoirs of a Magic Earth Pony

by The Lunar Samurai

XX. Emptiness

I ended up sleeping on the floor that night. My bed was gone as were most of my bedclothes, but I felt as though I deserved what had happened to me. I had pushed a boundary that shouldn’t have been broken, and now I was suffering the consequences. In a way, I deserved everything that had happened to me and more.

The night was restless as I battled away those fanciful thoughts of hope and force fed myself the words of the Council. I was to tend the land, nothing more, nothing less. The same phrase that had been shouted at me so violently on that first day of school.

The next morning I awoke with a terrible pain through my body. I had forgone dinner in order to repair my room and I was now suffering the effects of hunger. It took quite an effort to rise to my hooves and walk to the cracked mirror that hung on the wall. In it I could see shards of a pony that I didn’t quite recognize staring back at me. He was tired, his hair was matted, but there was something about his eyes that was the most telling. They seemed empty, like something had pulled the life from them only moments ago.

I couldn’t stare at that image for too long. The sadness that I felt in my soul was of a special flavor. I wanted to help him, of all things, to make the pain disappear from his face, but I knew I couldn’t. I couldn’t even help myself, let alone that figure that stared back at me.

I turned to the door, quickly shook my head free of any distractions, and stepped out into the hallway. A few ponies silenced themselves as I emerged from my cave. I assumed they had heard the crashes from the night before.

“You alright?” One of them asked.

I looked to them and let my gaze drift to their hooves. “Yeah,” I whispered with a forced smile as I turned toward the door to the outside. I was lost, struggling to find the hope that I had just hours ago, but there was nothing in my soul anymore. It had left, and it had taken part of me with it.

The journey to the cafeteria was uneventful and chilly. I didn’t mind either, I simply wanted to be to myself. The trees were nearly stripped of their leaves now and the workers who tended the campus were cleaning them from the paths that snaked through the university. I smiled at them when they looked at me, but my face probably displayed more of a grimace than anything else.

Eating helped a bit. It made me forget the life that I could have lived if I had just kept to myself. This wasn’t something that I wanted, but I was bound to have it regardless. I ate to live, nothing more. It felt like a chore, despite the small feeling of satisfaction I garnered. I didn’t want to be alone, to be forced into this world that I so desperately wanted to live in, but I needed to pursue what I was meant to be. That meant no more dreaming, no more wishing, no more hope.

I finished about a fourth of my meal before the act of chewing disgusted me. I rose from my place, dispensed with the rest of my food, and trotted back to my dorm.

I knew there were events on campus during that time. I knew that several ponies would have accepted me wholeheartedly in one of their games, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask to join them. To me, I wasn’t worthy of happiness. I didn’t deserve anything that life could give to me that was good. If I couldn’t even pursue the one dream I had, I wasn’t going to fill my life with anything fulfilling. I was going to be a drone, a pony that simply did what he was told and reaped the reward of death at the end of his life. I didn’t deserve anything, that’s what I wholeheartedly believed, and that mindset pulled me lower with each hoofstep I took back toward my dorm.

Once I entered the dorm once more, I began to focus on agriculture studies. I knew I had a chance in a life of cereal production, in a life that had already been predetermined for me by my race. It was the one thing that I was allowed to pursue, the one major that I was permitted to have, and I was going to get it.

I poured myself into the books one more, trying to catch up on the lectures I had missed in order to somehow bring myself back up to speed with the rest of my peers. My determination came back, but only as a wraith of what it once was. Instead of a fascinated drive to learn as much as I could, I simply told myself that I needed to learn it. I was force feeding myself information that I had no interest in while simultaneously lying to myself that I wanted it.

I couldn’t keep it up for long though, and a few hours later I realized I was reading the same sentence over again and again because I simply couldn’t parse its meaning. I couldn’t think anymore, I couldn’t do anything anymore, so I did the only thing I felt. I cried.

I don’t really know why, but the tears helped to an extent. It started small, but the floodgates quickly came soon after. I didn’t want this life, I didn’t want to be subjected to such tortures, but I was keeping myself in that same vicious cycle. I felt as though I were dying to myself for no gain in return. There was a life that I wanted so desperately do lead, but I simply couldn’t. The tears brought forth some relief, seeing the desk fill with sadness once more was comforting in some regard. It was as though it felt for me, it hurt for me. I was personifying wood to try and comfort myself in a way that was proving to be unfulfilling and empty.

As the sun set that night I curled up in the corner and let the wind that whipped through the broken window lull me to sleep. Every moment my mind tried to remind me of that hope I once had, I simply repeated that phrase that I had been told. I was to tend the land, nothing more, nothing less.

In a way I was comforted by my newfound cell. I knew that there was security from its walls and barred door. I knew that I could live comfortably doing the one thing they permitted me to do, and I knew that my life would eventually end.

My life would eventually end… That thought struck a peculiar feeling in my heart. I knew, without a doubt, that I would be able to escape this nightmare once and for all in the distant future. All I had to do was wait for it to happen. There was a light at the end of the tunnel, that light being a knowledge of the finality of life. Of all the things that would happen to me during my short stay on this earth, I knew that they would all be inconsequential by the time I passed on. Nothing would matter anymore, there would be no more barriers, and there would be total darkness and nonexistence. Comforting though it was, I quickly stopped my train of thought.

I couldn't let myself start lusting after death. It wasn’t right. I needed to find fulfilment somewhere in life, lest my life be meaningless in the end.

I fell asleep that night shivering. A cold front had moved in once more and my room, now exposed to the elements, had dropped well below comfortable temperatures. Again, I reveled in my situation, telling myself that I deserved this pain. I fell asleep believing that this was a punishment for dreaming, for thinking I could be a great magician.

As you can imagine, I didn’t sleep well. And Sunday played out almost identically to the day before. I woke up late, went to lunch, returned to my dorm, and tried to study.

Just repeating the actions helped to an extent. I wasn’t absorbing the material for class, but I was definitely trying to learn it best I could. The topics of farming weren’t foreign to me, but for some reason the text on the page seemed to scream that my life was to be completely rooted in agriculture until the day I died. It wasn’t a wonderful feeling, but it did grant me some security of my future. With every sentence, I became more and more ingrained in the idea that my life was to be completely rooted in cereals. However, the more I told myself that lie, the more I focused on the hope that death would bring.

This was one of the darkest points in my life. I remember laying down in the corner of my room wishing to never wake up again. I was so struck by everything that had been denied to me that I simply wanted to let go of it all. I couldn’t bring myself to live through the hell that was slowly entrenching itself in my life. It was the most mentally excruciating position I have ever been in. I was trapped in a hell that I would have seen as beautiful if only I hadn’t pushed the boundaries of society.

This mindset struck deep into my soul for weeks. My heart grew as cold as the winter as the few remaining points of hope flickered from my reality. I operated on a fundamental level during that time, only doing what I needed to and nothing more. I studied, ate, and slept. I had no time to myself, the work kept me from drifting into a deeper depression as it kept me from dwelling on the happenings that occurred that fateful day of my rejection.

During that time I had holed myself up in my room, interacting only with the ponies that passed by my each day between classes. I spoke a handful of words per day, trying my best to avoid as much contact with the outside world as possible. It was a time when I truly felt alone. I let myself stay far away from the world, and in return the world stayed far away from me. I was disconnected, which is probably the reason I tried once more to fulfill my desire for hope.

Author's Note:

Sorry sorry sorry, I didn't realize it was Friday. ;-;

Comments

[The Lunar Samurai]

6814721 No, but he has another quality about him that drives his magical meanderings.

[PiMan]

Enough depression. I wanna get back to the magic.

[The Lunar Samurai]

6814811 one must fall to the bottom before he can build a foundation to reach the top.

Or along those lines, I'm moderately tired so that may be profound as i think.

[Kevin Lee]

6815119

one must fall to the bottom before he can build a foundation to reach the top.

Well, he can keep digging, but in a couple more inches, it won't matter anymore. He's pretty much already reached the center of the inner core, having passed the mantle and outer core a few thousand miles ago. There won't be anyplace left for him to dig but up.

Pinkie Pie: "OH! OH! OH! I know! A SURPRISE PARTY!!"
The Lunar Samurai: "Uh--Pinkie? You know that you're a couple thousand years too early. You can't be here!"
Pinkie Pie: "Which is why it will a PERFECT SURPRISE PARTY!!"
The Lunar Samurai: "Bu--bu--bu--"
Celestia: "Sorry, Lunar. You can't beat Pinkie Logic. I know. I've tried."
Pinkie Pie: "OH! And a HUG! Starswirl can definitely use a HUG!"
The Lunar Samurai: ""

[MudakTheMultiplier]

Chapter XX
Emptiness
or:
"In Which Nothing in Particular Happens for Months"

[Unimpressive Chaos Lord]

Holy crap... change "studying" for "Internet" and this is me. Seriously, his mindset is frighteningly similar. We even have the same routine and social interactions. And our views on death are terrifyingly close.

I am not ashamed to admit that I cried reading this.

[BronyKat]

My life would eventually end… That thought struck a peculiar feeling in my heart. I knew, without a doubt, that I would be able to escape this nightmare once and for all in the distant future. All I had to do was wait for it to happen. There was a light at the end of the tunnel, that light being a knowledge of the finality of life. Of all the things that would happen to me during my short stay on this earth, I knew that they would all be inconsequential by the time I passed on. Nothing would matter anymore, there would be no more barriers, and there would be total darkness and nonexistence. Comforting though it was, I quickly stopped my train of thought.

This is my sleep routine