> Memoirs of a Magic Earth Pony
>  by The Lunar Samurai
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Preface
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	It has been several decades since I last picked up this quill to address the world, and it will likely be the last time I do so. This is not another book on extra dimensional magic, the advancement of the destiny equation, or the start of a new theory. This book is simply a collection of memoirs about my life and stories about who I was, what I accomplished, and how I came to where I am today. This is not written for your enjoyment. If you picked this book for the sole purpose of entertainment, you have come to the wrong place. If you came to learn about my newest theories, latest proofs, or most recent advancements in theoretical magic, there is nothing here for you. But, if you have a desire to learn from my mistakes, I implore you to continue on.
I have penned this collection for two reasons. First, I believe that my life is not a model life, but that does not mean that it cannot still be fruitful. This is a warning to anypony who wishes to follow in my hoofsteps, for the life I have lived is one that I would not wish on my greatest enemy. Secondly, only a few ponies took the time to know me. Instead of being the powerful unicorn most assumed I was, I was actually a lowly college dropout, and an earth pony at that. I wanted to set the record straight and to shed some light on realities of my life.
This, compared to my hundreds of publications and thousands of unpublished works, has been the most difficult piece to write yet. I have forced myself into worlds that I destroyed and moments I had forgotten in order to better explain who I am and how I came to be vilified. In this story, I will recount the hundreds of moments that shaped who I am.
Lastly, I would like to thank only two ponies. The first is Professor Evenstar, the stallion who introduced me to the field of theoretical magic. If it was not for him, the world would still be in its magical dark age. I would also like thank Amethyst. She sacrificed everything so that my work could be proven. If it was not for her, I would still live in that magical dark age.
So, without any further rambling, I give to you the Memoirs of a Magic Earth Pony.

> I. The First Day
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I, like every other pony to live, have little to no memory of my foalhood. I do not remember learning to walk, nor do I remember my first words. This first chapter is not a memoir, but rather a biography of the pony I once was. I have no reason to include this section, but I assume that some reader may appreciate its presence.
The one piece of information that may surprise you surrounds my name. Being an earth pony, it may seem odd that I was given the name Starswirl. It is a very unicorn name, with an air of mystery thrown in for good measure. Some may say that I was destined from birth to be a great magician, but they lack one key piece of information for their equation. The name given to me by my parents was not Starswirl. I was, instead, given an common earth pony name instead. I was forced to choose the name Starswirl so that most of the world would make the assumption that I was a unicorn.
I was born and raised in the city of Mahehattan. I was, by all accounts, normal. I played with other ponies during recess, I stole from the cookie jar when mother wasn’t looking, and I even had my fair share of crushes as time went on. The only thing that set me apart was my imagination and lack of cutie mark. I probably stayed in my imagination too much as a foal, but that mental meandering was beneficial later on in my life. As for my cutie mark, many stallions did not gain their marks until they reached a higher degree of education. This was the case for me.
I was never the smartest in my class, nor was I the most popular. Instead of being in the spotlight, I was content with being alone on the sidelines, simply watching the drama that would unfold instead of participating in it. I was quiet by nature, and rarely talked in class. I never felt that I had much to add to the conversations. Instead, I focused on my own mental playgrounds and worlds.
As my elementary education came to a close and my secondary education filled my life, I was enrolled in the Agricultural Academy. At the time, it was the only school that earth ponies were allowed to attend. The unicorns went off to study magic, as well as political and sociological research and the pegasi studied the weather patterns and systems that they would one day control. I, just like all of the ponies before me, believed that the unicorns and pegasi were a step above the earth ponies. This did not bother me, as being an earth pony meant I was given special power over the ground to feed the world. I was content with my race being subservient to those superior.
In school, as the hormones began to take control of my once levelheaded friends, I was surrounded with a new world of rebellion and freedom. Couples would form overnight, and then dissipate the next day. I saw their ventures to discover self quite meaningless and rash, but that probably stemmed from the lack of interest from the female demographic. Either way, I quickly defaulted to my imaginary worlds and ignored most of the chaotic happenings around me.
This was the beginning of the worst time in my life. I separated myself from the rest of the herd, and by doing so I let a feeling of pride well up in myself. It all started when I was accepted into Canterlot University, while most of my peers went off to be farmers directly. I was overjoyed at the news, not because of where I was going, but, as I see so clearly now, because I was becoming superior.
I began to revel in my own importance.



Now, with that out of the way, we may move on to the memoirs.
Even in my old age, I can still remember that day I stepped out into the world and began attending the University. The buildings themselves seemed to be perfect in their construction as they had been meticulously carved out of massive blocks of pure marble. I remember having no understanding as to how they managed to bring such material to the top of canterlot.
As the ponies trotted about, eager to reconnect with friends and mourn the departure of their families, I felt frozen in time. Everything around me seemed to move with such precision that I could not help but think that it was all rehearsed. My classes were to start at eight am sharp and I was ready, but I didn’t feel ready. I watched the dynamics of the crowd that undulated around me, trying to parse any information from it. I guessed that the general movement of the hive mind would somehow tell me where to stand, sit, walk, and talk, but instead it only confused me more.
Looking back on that event, I realized I never took a moment to turn and look around myself. I was only looking ahead toward that chaotic sea. If I had simply looked to my left, I may have seen another pony standing beside me, fearing the exact same thoughts. But life is not about what if, no, life is about what now? That question that we always find ourselves asking, but we hardly ever receive an answer for our ponderings.
The massive bell tower that stood in the center of campus was the one that finally pulled me out of that rift in time. The loud bells chimed their tune, alerting anypony within earshot that there were only fifteen minutes left in the seventh hour. Class would begin soon, and with it I felt a sense of pride. I had come so far to stand at the base of these steps, and now I was beginning to see the fruits of my efforts. My parents were no longer by my side, no, instead I was alone, independent, and ready to tackle any challenge that life would throw at me. It would only be a few short months later that I would lose that invincibility of my intelligence, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
I found myself following that crowd into the massive open doors to the school. It was wonderful, that feeling of power and position in a place of dignity and respect, and I reveled in it. I still remember pushing my way through the crowd, not with my strength, but rather with my determination and confidence. I liked the thought that I was somehow superior to those around me, that I lived a life somehow above to my peers, but again, I was simply naive.
My first class of the day was Agriculture 101, a class that I would learn to despise. It was located in one of the large lecture halls on campus. It was not difficult to find, for it was the largest of the seven and it was located just inside the main campus building. Hundreds upon hundreds poured into the doors and filed into their seats, I was one of them, one of the eager ones who was ready to start their lives as a student. I wanted to learn.
I spoke to nopony around me, it didn’t even cross my mind to socialize, I was too focused on the stage that sat so far away. Soon I would be watching one of the greatest agricultural minds give his first lecture of many to the group. I was excited, nervous, and I think I was beginning to smell. I had a nasty tendency to neglect completely washing myself in favor of a few more minutes to sleep, and that was the case in this instance. My body had conquered the soap I had used to clean it, and now I was beginning to smell like an earth pony as well.
A loud crash echoed through the room as the porters closed the door as the clock struck eight. The university was precise, organized, and unforgiving. The room grew silent, only to hear the faint knocking of a poor soul who hadn’t followed the herd into the room. I snickered, my mind reassuring myself that I was inside and that I was doing better than somepony else. I suppose many of the class thought the same.
“Greetings, fellow earth ponies,” a booming voice echoed from the stage. The professor stood up front, but I couldn’t quite see him. I knew he was there, but the manes of the hundreds before me shifted into every line of sight I tried to establish. “That will be your first lesson, and probably the most important. To be early is to be on time, to be on time is to be late, and to be late is unacceptable.”
I remember feeling a chill run through my body. Not because I was afraid, rather I was excited that I had been one of the responsible ones. I was, for lack of a better phrase, a good boy.
“As you already know,” the professor started, “Earth ponies were born to tend the land. Nothing more, nothing less.”
As I fumbled for my quill and notebook, I captured those few words in my mind. It’s funny. The whole point of the notebook was to remind me of the things I should remember, but it has long since been lost. Instead the phrase etched itself into my mind. I decided to believe that lie that I so blindly followed all of my life.
“As tenders of the land,” the professor continued in his pompous soliloquy, “We have a duty to be farmers, planters, and caretakers of this earth. We cannot leave our posts to meddle in the affairs of the unicorns, nor can they control the weather. We were born with different purposes, our destinies etched into the very blood in our veins. This is why you are here. Your desire to till the land and work it to provide for you is innate in your very soul. Remember that as you study, for this is your purpose.”
He paused for a moment, as though he was challenging the crowd. Nopony spoke up, for none believed that it was their place to challenge that great mind that stood before them. I didn’t see him smirk, but I felt it. I felt his arrogance as he watched the crowd, daring them to confront him. Maybe he and I were not so different. We both reveled in our superiority. The only difference was that one of us was above the rest, and the other simply filled a seat among the sea of ponies.
As his lecture continued on, he waxed eloquent about the assuredness of his assumptions. At the time, when I young and naive, I believed him. His authority was so monumentally overwhelming that I could not help but agree with whatever he said. He had control over our minds, an ability to bend and twist ponies into perfect, form fitting molds that would create the same stamped personality en masse. I was under his spell from moment he started to the time the porters opened the door behind us. I was enraptured, unable to consider anything but the reality that my destiny stood firmly on the ground.
The lecture was over seemingly before it began. I had been so entranced in his speech that I was unable to even comprehend time itself. I had taken the bait, and his ethos ruled over me like a general. I was nothing, he had told everypony that, and yet, somehow, we all readily accepted it. Everypony fed off of his arrogance, stroking their own individual egos as he spoke with power and rhetoric that I had never before witnessed. I was under his spell, and I loved every minute of it.
As the group spilled out into the hallway, I couldn’t help but hold my head just a little higher in the crowd, asserting my height over the few that were shorter. I had just witnessed a god, and lived to tell the tale.
My next class was Finance 101, conveniently located in the same lecture hall that I had just exited. I had an hour to do as I pleased, but I did not use it well. I could have spent that hour poking around campus, finding places to study and to explore. I could have spent that hour looking for new friends, a group that I could recognize as a family away from family. Instead, much to my regret, I trotted out onto the fields and picked up a clump of dirt from the ground. To this day I still feel embarrassed for that fool as he tried to apply the few pieces of knowledge he had as he stared at that mass of ground. I tried to understand the dirt, to feel the dirt, to be the dirt. I was so entranced, focused so much attention on that piece of ground, that I began to lose sight of who I was.
I should have known that the others were snickering at me. The ones who had been immune to the ramblings of that professor were assuredly jeering at my stupidity. I say this because I would do the same. There I was, enraptured in the ground that I had walked on for all of my life. I, in my pride, had let myself become a fool.
An agonizingly long 45 minutes later, I heard the sound of the clock tower. Again, that earsplitting sound echoed through the campus and stirred me from my trance. I gently placed the dirt back on the ground and trotted off toward the lecture hall. Again, that herd of my inferior peers trotted into the building. I learned from my past mistake and chose to sit closer to the stage. I wanted to see the professor, to understand every last emotion that he presented to us. I was hungry for knowledge, and I was about to be fed.
Again, the porters closed the door precisely at 10 o'clock and I sat smugly as another poor soul rapped on the door. I was two for two and my pride swelled even further.
“Hello everyone!” a jovial voice announced from the stage. Immediately I scoffed at it, my pride desiring more than a happy go lucky teacher. He looked to the back of the room, where he could barely hear the knocking of a pony on the door.
“When was the last time you didn’t open the door when somepony knocked?” he shouted to the porters. “It sounds like somepony is eager to learn today, why not let him in?”
I couldn’t help but hold my jaw open. It wasn’t right to me, for the professor to break the schedule, we were supposed to be punished for our wrongdoing, not shown mercy. I resolved, then and there, to despise this teacher. I felt as though he did not understand what I thought I knew. I felt that he must be somehow beneath me.
I glared at the stallion as he walked into the room. Immediately I made these rash assumptions about who he was, what he was like, and how terrible of a pony he truly was. He was the definition of everything I was not, and I hated him for it. That was the first time of two that I would genuinely despise a pony for his actions. 
As I tried to pay attention to that stallion in the front of the room, I couldn’t help but feel as though he was somehow a lesser. His language was plain, his posture informal, and instead of being above the crowd, he was in it. He asked us questions, encouraged us after giving us our homework assignment, and reassured us that the course wouldn’t be difficult.
I compared him to that commanding stallion that lead the class before, and how my current professor could be nothing like him. I was in a dog eat dog world, and somepony was trying to feed me. I did not accept the food, but rather I focused my education on the most difficult of subjects. I remember that first class seemed to drag on for hours, and I could not bring myself to pay attention to that kind stallion. I decided to read the text instead of attending class. I wanted to ensure that my education could not be marred by his jovial attitude.
I was one of the first out of the doors as the class came to an end. I had seen the other side of college, the gentler, more understanding side, and I hated it. The way the stallion encouraged us was frustrating. I had fought my way to where I was. Through years of hardships and turmoil I surmounted my peers and strode into a new era of education, and this professor had the audacity to treat me like I was nothing. I was infuriated with his kindness, frustrated at his humility, and shocked at his forgiveness. In short, I refused to believe he was above me, I decided to treat him, in my own bloated head, as a subordinate.
As my mind snapped back to the present, I realized how much of a predicament I was in. The group had broken up, dispersing into their various classes, and I was left to fend for myself. It was lunchtime, yet I didn’t have a clue where the cafeteria was. I thought that it would surely be marked, but, to my surprise, the only directions I could find were from eavesdropping on the small gatherings of friends scattered about the campus.
I watched as the groups peeled off in a myriad of directions. For the first time since I had entered the campus, I realized that I was completely alone. I tried to extinguish the thought, and the implications of my solitude, but they only grew as the courtyard began to drain. I found myself, in sporadic fleeting moments, wanting to be able to talk to somepony else, but that desire for fellowship was crushed by my pride. I wouldn’t talk to anypony, for they were not deserving of my company. They were my peers, and all I did was make them imaginary subordinates.
That was my first mistake.

As I kept pondering the consequences of simply talking to another stallion, I was met with a new realization: I was alone. I had felt the traces hours ago, when I had first walked through that group of ponies toward my first class. At that time, I had shrugged it off, believing that somehow I could still remain as an independent being above those around me. I was able to keep the world beneath me using the one resource I had an endless supply of; pride.
Now, however, as the stallions and mares departed from the courtyard to their classes, I was confronted with the effects of isolation. Thoughts pushed themselves into my mind as my pride began to falter. Like a crumbling castle, my ego was beginning to crack.
That stallion, right over there, my charity whispered as my eyes caught a glimpse of another across the courtyard, all you have to do is ask him where the dining hall is.
It was a tempting thought, but almost immediately, another appeared. But you shouldn’t have to ask anypony for directions. This voice was much more hostile. It was defending its crumbling castle, and I was sympathizing with it. No, you shouldn’t have to ask for anything. Everything you do should be earned, just like how you got here. If you do not know where the cafeteria is, then you should go hungry.
It made sense. I wasn’t deserving of a reward if I had not earned it. I had neglected discovering where the cafeteria was located, and therefore, I did not deserve the reward of food. It was simple broken logic, but I was too blind to see past it.
As I was busy chastising myself for not having this small piece of information, my mind was abruptly pulled from its self-loathing. I felt a force strike me in the side. It was not intentional, that much I was sure, but my adrenaline rose all the same. My entire body trembled, violently reacting to such a force. I stumbled to the side, my legs barely able to catch myself while remaining in perfect posture.
Before I had a chance to confront the stallion, he spoke up. All he said was “I’m sorry about that,” before my castle of pride took over once more. I noted two things about the voice, two prejudices that built themselves up before I even saw who had stumbled into me. First, I noted that the voice was not just apologetic, but genuinely filled with concern. The stallion who had crashed into me was more interested in my well being rather than his. Secondly, I realized that the voice was familiar.
“Say, weren’t you in my finance class?” The words stung my soul. Half of me wanted to break down my pride and get to know that jovial professor, but I couldn’t. Instead of being the stallion I knew I should, I decided to be the one that I would come to hate.
“I believe so.” The words rolled off of my tongue like venom. I wanted to be caustic to damage that stallion that was being so open. Even though I had not faced the stallion, I could feel him flinch. I could feel the pain that I had caused him because I was too selfish to do anything else.
“O-oh…” he stammered, his mind seemed to be recoiling from the unnecessary hostility. “Are you headed to lunch?”
“Probably.” Every time I replied with disinterest, and he reacted with sadness, I felt satisfied. The beast of my pride was being fed with each and every opportunity I had to destroy the stallion who was putting his life aside to help a lesser.
“Well would you like to join me? I have always enjoyed getting a feedback about my classes.”
A chance to show him the error of his ways? I can’t pass this up. “Alright.” My voice still had its arrogant tone, but I noticed that he wasn’t reacting as violently as before. Part of me was relieved, as my lunch would go on with food in sight. I was also quite interested in letting this stallion know what I truly thought of his class. I was given the opportunity to change this stallion into who he should be, or at least, who I thought he should be.
I finally moved my gaze from the world around me to the stallion. I wanted to seem as disinterested as possible, but something about him made me crack the slightest smile. He was younger than I had realized. His hair wasn’t greying, his eyes were still bright, but he seemed to have a sort of glow around his persona. He was happy, and something deep inside me was not.
“When is your next class?” he asked as he started toward the cafeteria.
“Noon.”
“So we have an hour,” he said as he glanced at me. I was sure that he noted the confusion on my face. He could see through my prideful exterior and could somehow make out the true me. It was as comforting as it was frightening. “Let’s make the best of it, shall we?”
The cafeteria was on the other side of the campus, providing us with a few unadulterated minutes to talk. I had made so many assumptions about this stallion and who he was. I was starting to see that he was a pony, just like me, nothing more, nothing less.
“So why did you choose Canterlot University?” he asked as we began our journey.
“Well,” I started, trying to find the most eloquent way to phrase my response, “The Agricultural program here was the best in the nation.”
“So you are studying Agriculture Any specific concentration?”
“Cereal production.”
“Fascinating.”
His response struck me, never had someone made such a cliche response sound so genuine.
“From an economic standpoint, ” he began as we rounded the final bend to the cafeteria, “cereal production is one of the most lucrative fields right now.”
“That’s why I chose it,” I replied with a slight nod of the head. “I knew of its benefits and the wide reaching elements of its employment. Everypony uses cereals in nearly everything they consume.”
“And since the market is growing every day, we are seeing a new push toward a more cereal-centric meal standard.”
By now we had reached the cafeteria doors. As he pulled the door open for me, we were met with the din of the dining hall. It was a large building filled with ponies, all eager to converse with their newfound peers. Walking in with a professor was quite an ego boost for myself. With the short few statements I had exchanged with him, I realized that he was much more intelligent than I had led myself to believe.
As I started down the line, tray in hoof, I came up with an idea. This stallion should know how smart I really am. I scanned the menus and foods, searching out for the most complex cereal connection I could make. I was still uneducated, but I wanted to continue to make an impression of intelligence on this professor. I needed to keep my castle of pride intact.
Then, through the sea of ponies, I spotted the pasta buffet line. Bingo. I knew that pasta was a derivative of wheat, a cereal, and I wasn’t about to pass up an opportunity to flaunt my knowledge.
“Professor,” I stopped. I just realized that I hadn’t properly introduced myself. I was too busy being self important to even get the name of my professor.
“Yes, Starswirl?” He didn’t call me starswirl, for that was the name I chose later in life, but for my own sake, and the sake of continuity, I will be using the name Starswirl in this memoir.
And he knows mine, great, I thought before beginning my intellectual journey. “Do you see that pasta in the corner?”
“I do,” he started as a wry smile crawled across his face “but you need to be upfront with it to have a chance.”
Inwardly, I was erupting in laughter, but all I could manage through that pride was simply rolling my eyes. “Regardless,” I said, dismissing the quip, “That is one of the prime examples of—”
“What’ll ya have?” a commanding voice shouted from my side. I was startled, but I quickly contained myself and turned to the server.
“A daisy sandwich,” I said directly.
“We are out of daisies, would clover be alright?”
I nodded as I turned back to the professor to continue my spiel. “As I was saying, pasta is becoming a staple in modern day diets. With ponies finding its production cheaper and the nutritional value higher, it is becoming one of the most use-”
“You sure do speak like you know what you’re talking about,” a voice said from behind the professor. I flinched, for I recognized that tone, it was the same that I had used with the professor I was now trying to impress.
“I would like to think that I do,” I responded as I cocked my head to the side to see around my professor. The pony who had responded had done the same. Immediately I realized that his head was tilted back ever so slightly.
“Well clearly, you know nothing of cereal production.” His sweeping comment struck me like a hoof across the face. “You see,” he began with the most high-flown toss of his mane. That moment was when I saw it. Protruding from the center of his skull was a piece of bone that somehow made him automatically above me. As soon as I realized what he was, I began to regret ever opening my mouth. “The production of cereal only seems to be going up. During the flowering fruit shortage a few decades ago, ponies began looking for alternative nutritional sources. The one that seemed the most promising was cereal. It had a wide variety of plants that could be grown in an even broader spectrum of climate zones.”
I felt a need to listen to him. He knew what he was talking about, and the way he spoke made me feel like I knew nothing at all. I noticed that the professor, an earth pony himself, was also paying attention to the student. I didn’t know if it was out of his kindness, or out of the knowledge that unicorns were superior.
“Soon, the demand for new food types began to feed an industry.” He looked at me with a confident smile. “I can only assume you are studying to be part of that industry.”
“I am.”
“Well then, you may be disappointed to hear that the market is flooded. The amount of cereal production majors being hired is going down each year.”
The words cut into me like a knife. Within only a few minutes, this unnamed unicorn had completely discounted my intelligence and my career choice. I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks as I was forced to listen to this voice of perdition. As he droned on, I began to formulate a few choice thoughts of my own. I didn’t like this unicorn, and he wasn’t going to simply tell me that my intelligence was going to waste.
“You don’t need to explain this to me. This is my field.”
“Oh,” he said, more out of disdain rather than realization. “So you’re studying cereal production?”
“I am.”
“Ah, I assumed you were.”
I wanted respond, I wanted to attack his very being, but he had already begun on another tangent. All I could do, was wait for him to continue, and keep the rage that was building within from boiling over.
“So,” I exclaimed, interrupting him during one of his trains of thought. “Where exactly did you get all of this information? I assume you have sources for your facts.”
The unicorn rolled his eyes and chuckled. He glanced around, as though he was rallying a group of ponies to his side, ready to cheer for his next comment. “I’m the source. I published a paper in the Journal of the Agrarian Society last fall. It chronicled the newest and latest theories on cereal production and their economic impacts. I’m not surprised you didn’t see it. It was part of a larger section I penned on the drastic changes we are seeing in the economics of farming.”
“If that is the case,” I stammered, trying to gain my footing in my crumbling castle, “Then why does the cereal production major still hold the highest average wage out of college?”
“A good analogy is that the market is like a shower. It wants a lot of hot water because it is cold, so it turns the faucet to hot. The water isn’t immediately hot, in fact its quite cold, so the market turns the faucet hotter still. Soon, however, the market will receive all of the hot water it had requested with the faucet, and it will be forced to turn it cold once more. The hot water will go to waste, and, cereal production majors and the like, will be left without a job.”
I was speechless. Everything he had said made perfect sense, and here I was, trying to make ends meet with a major that didn’t matter. I turned my attention back to the meal line and requested the other pieces of food that I desired, but I was no longer hungry. The professor that walked behind me said nothing. He must have known my pain, but he did not address it.
I’m sure I look like an idiot now. I strolled, head hung low, over to the tables. I focused my energy on the tray that balanced precariously on my hoof. Anything was better than having to face the reality that I had just been so rudely given. Is my major truly worthless? Am I really just wasting my time here? Thoughts of confusion began to fill my head as I struggled to coincide who I was with what I had just been told.
“Starswirl?”
I turned my attention to the sympathetic professor who had sat himself across from me. I wanted to respond, to apologize for everything I had done to him, but all I could manage was silence.
“Look around you,” he said with a comforting smile. He let himself lean onto the table before continuing. “What do you see?”
I turned my attention to the mass of ponies that sat around the room. A sea of colorful manes and coats ebbed and bobbed as though it was breathing itself. They sat in rows of tables, but that was the only bit of organization to their chaos. Ponies came and left the building some in groups, and others alone. Some wore hoodies, advertising the university to the rest of the students, others wore hats memorializing their favorite sports teams, and others still were comfortable simply being who they were.
“I see a group of ponies all eager to learn,” I said with a shrug. “There’s nothing much more to it than that.”
“Oh, but there is,” the professor said as he gestured to the small raised area behind him. “What do you notice about them?”
It took me a while to get his point. At first, all I could see was that same ocean of colored hair and organized chaos, but it slowly began to dawn on me. A particular pony in the crowd caught my attention, it was the unicorn that had confronted me in the buffet line. One by one, I realized a pattern. “They’re all unicorns,” I whispered.
“Exactly, starswirl,” the professor started as he leaned closer. He was about to tell me something that I would fight throughout the rest of my life. “You see, this University, and world actually, runs under the unspoken rule that unicorns are on a plane higher than the rest of us.”
I had known this for a while, being raised in canterlot taught you the ins and outs of unspoken etiquette, but somehow I had not grasped its extent.
“The reason I did not speak up, was that earth ponies are not to address unicorns unless the unicorn addresses them.” His voice was barely above a whisper, but somehow the words were deafening
“What?”
“Speak when spoken to,” he said, his voice calm yet stern. “The unicorns here are some of the top thinkers of our time. If they say something, it is because it is true and should be spoken.”
I was speechless. A professor, a stallion with the knowledge to teach others, was telling me to keep quiet and accept anything that was told to me. This must be some sort of joke. “Has anypony ever dared to speak up and call a unicorn out on their bullshit?”
“The last earth pony to do that was ejected from the school,” the professor said before casting a glance at the unicorn that had started the mess. “And you came close. If you hadn’t left the conversation when you did, who knows what kind of mess you would have created.”
I tried to close my gaping jaw, but my body was failing me. This institution that I had worked so hard to attend had deemed me as less because I was not part of a group I could never dream of entering.
“Has the council ever tried to do anything about this?” I asked as I watched the flow of ponies from the buffet split off to their varying sections of the cafeteria. “It doesn’t feel right.”
“It never does,” he said as he leaned back and took a bite from his sandwich. “But it’s better than before. It used to be that earth ponies couldn’t attend university at all. Times are changing.” He let out a sigh as he swirled the water in his glass. “Maybe one day we will be able to eat alongside of them.” That was the moment that I realized the sparkle in his eyes had disappeared. He had thought of something that had made an impact on his life, something had changed him, and not for the better.
As he watched the swirling liquid in his cup for an extended period of time, I decided to ask him. What’s the harm in asking, right? “Is something wrong?”
“Oh,” he said as he pulled his gaze away from his water. “No, everything is fine.”
He was distracted, some thought was pulling his mind deeper into himself. I had to figure out what it was.
“That was pretty unconvincing.”
“It doesn’t need to be convincing, it just has to ensure that you do not try to pry further,” he muttered as he took a drink from his glass. His tone caught me off guard, it didn’t sound like the jovial professor whom I had met only minutes before. As much as I wanted to continue on, I kept my mouth closed. The road I was traveling was one I had no business following. For the rest of lunch we sat in silence. I had no idea how to reconcile what I had said, no way of mending the mistake I had committed.
As we sat in the cafeteria in silence, I felt as though I was losing the only friend I had made. It was only a few minutes later that he dismissed himself, despite only having eaten a few bites from his sandwich. I needed to follow him, to make him understand that I was ready to help, but I did not. Instead, I simply remained in my chair, thinking about myself and about the unicorn that had so dismissively proved my degree worthless.
Several minutes passed as I stared at my small meal, wondering whether or not I should continue to fill my disinterested stomach. I didn’t think about much of anything during that time. I simply let the feelings of being alone finally manifest themselves in my soul. For the second time in an hour, I felt truly distant from the world. Ponies of all colors rushed around me, chattering to themselves about their own interests, and yet I was completely isolated.
I felt as though nopony cared.
The entire crowd seemed to shift as the bell tower signalled the end of the lunch period. I, along with the rest of the cafeteria, dispensed of my tray and exited into the light of day. We had ample time to get to our classes, and most ponies were using that time to continue making friends and enjoying their time together. I, however, was dead set on making my way to the next class in my schedule; Equestrian History 201.
I had thoroughly enjoyed history during my secondary education. This enjoyment made pursuing advanced placement courses not only rewarding for my academics, but also for my own imagination. I reveled in the stories of how equestria was founded, how the two sisters came to power and defeated Discord, and how the world had flourished under the peace established by Celestia and Luna.
The classes let me imagine battles of old, and ponder on their effects on the rest of the world. I loved the way that everything was connected, the way that nopony could escape the history of the world they lived in. It was the perfect subject for my musings as a colt, and it was the perfect subject for study now.
My pace to class was much faster than usual, and I was becoming excited to see what kind of knowledge I would be learning. History was the one subject that I loved, and I was about to get it in its most concentrated form.
I was at the lecture hall before I knew it. The auditorium was only a few doors down from the others I used, but it was much smaller than I had expected. Instead of the massive hall I had been introduced to, it was a simple classroom. The lights were off, and there was nopony to be found. After checking and rechecking my schedule to ensure that I was where I needed to be, I sat myself down on the floor and began to wait. There’s no use in standing anyway.
It wasn’t long until another stallion strode into the hallway and repeated the actions that I had just done. I waited patiently for him to address me, to ask if this was the right place.
“Are you here for Equestrian History 201?” he asked as he checked his paper again. “I could have sworn that was supposed to be in this room.”
I felt a twinge inside of me. That castle that I had built up, the one that now lay in a heap of shameful ruins, was trying to come back. Something deep inside of me tried so desperately to prove myself worthy. I knew I didn’t know the answer, I knew that I was as unsure as he, but I still responded with, “This is the correct room.” The confidence I felt was fake, and I knew it, but he did not.
“Thanks,” the stallion said as he sat himself next to me. “I guess there’s no point in standing around anyway.”
“Quite,” I said as I let that small castle arrange a few more bricks onto its foundation.
The stallion nodded and looked away, probably from a feeling of discomfort that I had forced on the discussion. We sat in silence, both of us trying to keep to ourselves rather than have a discussion like civilized ponies. We simply sat and stared at the various objects around us. All I could think about was whether he thought I was somepony special, if he thought I was on a tier higher than him. Despite having been thrown from my pedestal an hour ago, and becoming quite damaged in the process, I still wanted to climb back to that self centered height of before.
“My apologies!” an old voice shouted from the hallway. An aged stallion was moving as fast as his legs would allow. His saddlebag was heavy with books, yet he seemed to have no issue carrying them while galloping through the halls.
He reached the door and quickly strode inside. I rose to follow him, silently and precisely moving to ensure that those around me would know of my feigned importance. I was ready to learn, and I wanted to prove that to the professor in every way I could.
“What a great first impression I have made!” he exclaimed as he raced to the chalkboard and began scribbling onto its surface.
As he was preparing the room, I found my seat in the very front of the class. I wanted to be in front, to gather all of the information I could on my favorite subject. I was ready to learn.
“Alright class!” the spry old stallion said as he leapt to the podium. “We are a little behind schedule, but I think everything will be alright. Welcome to History 201! I will be your professor, Professor Bales.” He threw his hoof behind him to point toward the scrawl on the chalkboard. His voice sounded like a squeaky door hinge that was inexplicably excited about being a doorhinge. There was a constant smile on his face.
I could hear a few other ponies chuckling at his antics. It was either that or the terribly written lettering on the board. He seemed a few strands short of a haystack, but I would soon find out the reality of this stallion.
“Umm…” a voice from the back of the classroom spoke up, “I think you wrote the B in your name backwards.”
I cringed. We weren’t supposed to correct the professor, or at least that is what I thought.
“Hmm?”
“The B in Bales, the loops are supposed to go the other way.”
“Ah!” he muttered as he hobbled over to the board and quickly corrected his mistake. “Either way, let us begin!”
The rest of the class seemed as confused as I was. Was this really our professor for History 201? The second semester course?
“Instead of handing out the syllabus, or explaining who I am, why not tell a story instead?”
The room was silent. What is wrong with him?
“If you haven’t noticed, I am not a normal professor.”
The class chuckled in agreement.
“And that is because history is not a normal subject. You see,” he started.
The entire class was quickly becoming enraptured in his speech. And we all waited in baited breath as he paused for a moment. He caught the eye of every pony in the class, ensuring they were all ready to receive his lecture.
“History is one grandiose story! Everypony plays a part in it, but only a select, important few ever really become remembered. In the same way, you can hear history lectured and commanded to you, or,” he left the podium and strolled down the center aisle of the room. “You can live history yourself. Through extensive research and lots of study, I have concluded that being slightly loopy draws my students in and really makes them understand the interaction of ponies that make up history!”
By now, we we were all enchanted by his speech. He was so attention getting that nopony in the class could help but give him his full attention.
“So! Let us begin from the beginning!”
I’ve heard this a million times, I thought as my mind begged me to not to put it through that agonizing talk of the founding of Equestria.
The professor scanned the room, probably noting that the ponies were not nearly as fascinated as they had been.
“Ah!” he exclaimed, “I see most of you are familiar with the story of Equestria’s beginnings, so let’s jump to something more exciting.”
I was beginning to see why this stallion in particular was teaching the class. He understood how to teach.
“So! Let us start with the rule of discord.” He slammed his hooves on the desk of an unsuspecting mare. She let out a yip in fright.
“It was a dark and dreary time…” he growled as he rubbed his hooves together. It was the way I had imagined the beginnings of those great stories I would read as a colt. I loved it.
“During his rule, the world was left to stagnate in cesspool of varying magic. It was his monopoly of sorts, and he reveled in his ability to stop all progress that all of the unicorns tried to conceive. Whenever they would create a new spell, or conjure up an incantation, he would ensure that something would foul up. When they tried to fire energy beams from their horn, out would pop glitter instead. When they tried to levitate something from the ground, it would grow these eerie mushrooms all over its surface.”
The room was silent. All eyes were on the professor.
“This went on for a duration that is unknown to us. Discord decided to also foul up their conceptions of time itself. This was probably the most cruel trick he played on us historians. We have little knowledge as to how time was changed during that period. Some report that the reign only lasted for a few moments, others believe that it lasted for centuries. Needless to say, he was a very naughty being.”
“Well… Then one day, two alicorns appeared from seemingly nowhere. One was white as snow, and the other, as violet as the night sky. Together, they used a set of stones they dubbed the “Elements of Harmony” to defeat this vile creature, effectively turning him to stone!” By now the professor had ventured back to his podium, climbed atop it, and thrust his hoof into the air in victory.
He paused for a moment. I, along with the entire class, was completely awestruck at this stallion. It was obvious he knew what he was talking about, but the way he delivered it was so strange that we couldn’t help but listen to his rants. Within only minutes, I had decided that this was going to be my favorite professor for the year, and he was in my favorite subject nonetheless. Needless to say, I was excited.
As the professor clambered down from his podium and started on other subjects, I decided to close my eyes. Not out of tiredness, mind you, but rather so I could see the history unfold. I could see the wars he described, the leaders he ranted about, and the ponies as they stood as pawns in the entire matter. It was amazing, and I loved every second of it. 
Class was over seemingly before it began, and I could tell that there was a sense of frustration among the group. Everypony wanted to hear more, but we all had our other classes to attend.
“I hope you enjoyed class! I’ll see you here on Wednesday I presume!”
A volley of gratitude, laughter, and general happiness erupted from the group. We had all seen the other other side of college, the wacky, crazy, and amazingly informative side. Everypony loved it.
As soon as I stepped out of my class, I turned my attention toward the clock. It was 12:55. A wave of terror washed over me, freezing the smile on my face. I was to be at my applied chemistry class in 5 minutes. The only problem was that the class was in the science wing of campus. A surge of adrenaline washed over me as I briskly trotted out of the building.
My legs began to gallop before I told myself to run. I couldn’t be late to class. As I slowly picked up speed, carefully dodging the crowds that flowed through the campus, my mind began to drift to that stallion that had lingered into my finance class late. I hated him, and for no reason I cast judgement on him, believing that I was somehow better. Now, however, being put into the same situation, I was beginning to understand the reality that he had faced. I rounded corners, leaning so hard that I nearly lost traction against the grass. With every step I could feel my heart racing faster. I was not going to be late, I was going to be better than that stallion in finance 101.
As my heart pounded, I began counting the seconds. I had no way of keeping track of the time otherwise, but I was making progress, and that was what mattered. As I counted, I let my mind wander. I was stressed, and whenever I was faced with a stressful situation I would always let my mind drift to my imagination. It was what kept me focused. Strangely enough, it seemed to work. Every time I was presented with a new conundrum, I would simply let my mind drift away every now and again, like taking a breath while drinking water. The idle thoughts let me pass the time in peace rather than stress. I was breathing heavy, but I was not frantic. My mind was at peace.
As I stumbled through the doors to the buildings, I checked the clock on the wall. The second hand pointed toward the floor. I had only seconds of time to get to my class. Frantically, I raced to find the room. I could feel the tension in the air rise once more as the doors to the classes closed around me. I couldn’t let my mind get distracted now, for now I was about to become the very stallion that I had hated.
I rounded the corner, hoping upon hope that my class would soon be revealed to me. By some miracle, it was. I stumbled into the classroom, wiped the sweat from my brow, and quickly found the only empty seat in the room. I was in.
“Well,” the professor said as cast a glance in my direction. “I see somepony was eager to learn.”
The class chuckled as I struggled to catch my breath. His comment was amusing, but all I could manage was a weak smile. As my mind turned its attention toward the rest of the room, I realized what kind of a place the lecture room was. Instead of being an auditorium, or a simple hall, it was a lab. Various test tubes and beakers filled the shelves on the wall, and the small nozzles on the table itself were labeled as sources for different gases.
I also noted that several of the students were unicorns. 
“Either way, welcome, all of you, to applied chemistry 101.” The professor walked to the board and precisely wrote his name onto the grainy surface. “Much to my chagrin, my name is Sparky.” He turned toward the class with a serious look in his eye. “I would prefer to be called Professor Spark.”
What a shift, I thought as I averted my eyes from the professor’s gaze. He was not hateful, but he was menacing. He seemed to be a down to business pony, one who would rather have work done and lessons learned rather than a few humorous quips or a comfortable atmosphere.
“I hope you are all having a wonderful first day,” he started as he walked over to the elaborate chemistry set. It stood as a barrier between the class and him. “To begin our time together, I would like to start on an experiment that is relatively complex in procedure, but simple to understand in theory.”
Spark took the small test tube from his desk and carefully dripped its purple liquid into the top of the apparatus. Immediately a chain reaction began to occur, as the chemicals began to change color.
“This is the process that is used for the creation of enriched nitrogen. This chemical is used extensively in farms and other industries around the nation.” He glanced around the classroom, ensuring everypony was paying attention to his lecture. “Despite our differences,” he said as his gazed drifted between the two segments of the class, “Chemistry works the same for all of us. I trust that most of you would leave your prejudices at the door. It will be for the best of all of us”
It was obvious that the professor, an earth pony, was addressing unicorns in such a way. It seemed dangerous to me, for one of us to dare to call out a unicorn on their bigotry. Then again, I began to notice subtleties about the classroom. The room was segregated, unicorns on one side, earth ponies on the other. I couldn’t help but notice that the tools and instruments that were allocated to the unicorns seemed to have a cleaner look, as if they had been brand new. The ones to be used by the earth ponies were scratched and marred, but unmistakably clean.
The professor began to go over the details of the class. The typical expectations, rules, guidelines, and introductions that I had become familiar with through my first day at university. He expected our attention, just like we expected his guidance. He wanted us to work together, he implored us to always try and put our differences aside. Unfortunately, as I would discover, that was akin to asking oil and water to mix. He meant well, he wanted to make his classroom a progressive society, rather than the pseudo caste system of the real world, but the result was the same as always: earth ponies on one side, and unicorns on the other.
I never wanted to be left out, and this professor was doing his best to try and make all of us feel as though we deserved our seat in the room. He meant well, he was trying to do the right thing, to bring us together under a unifying pursuit of a knowable truth, but there were some boundaries that simply could not be crossed. During the lecture, one of the unicorns decided that he could not stand being put on the same plane as earth ponies.
As the unicorn rose from his seat and walked toward the door, the professor said nothing. It was as though he could not see that stallion as he left the room in a disgruntled rage, but as the door closed, he spoke.
I will never forget how that professor responded to that unicorn’s departure.
“Students, I will not stop you from leaving this class,” he said, the closing door punctuating his sentence. “If you cannot handle being placed on an equal plane with your common equestrians, I recommend that you leave. This is a class, not a dining hall. You will all work together, or you will all fail separately.”
Another unicorn rose from his seat, the entire class turned to watch him. Immediately I began to notice things about  who he was, and about what he represented. He wore a pair of glasses that were perched on his snout. He had that same air about him that all of the other unicorns seemed to have, that pride that was natural to their being. The class fell silent, the teacher allowing the weight of the attention to fall directly on this outlier. I began to form an opinion on him as he began to place his items in his bag and, as nonchalantly as he could, walk to the door.
Then, without warning, something in him changed. It was subtle, and I’m not sure exactly sure if the others noticed, but I know I did. His head dropped, for some unspoken reason his soul could not let himself leave the classroom, and something in him changed that day. He turned back to the class, his chin now pointing slightly lower than it had before, and he strode back to the chair he had taken.
The professor broke the silence. “Making such a decision to stay is never easy. When the world lies to you through your life, especially when it tells you that you are superior, it can be difficult to realize that you are on an equal plane.” He turned to the unicorn that had nearly left the class. “I commend you on your bravery. Not many come to the realization that you have just had. I want you all to learn from his example, for this stallion truly understands his place.”
Then I realized there were a few that went against the grain.
A strange feeling stirred in me as I left that class. I was stepping back into a world of subtle racism and cruel reality, but stranger still was the feeling of no more classes. I now had a decision to make. I could either go back to my dorm, or go attempt to socialize at the student center. 
As I wandered through the campus, I began to realize how beautiful the day was. It was still summer, and the birds were happily chirping away in their nests above the trees. The world around me began to come into focus as the blue sky shone with such vibrancy against the vivid green of the perfectly trimmed grass. The trees and shrubs stood in proper organized rows around the campus, forcing a utilitarian control on the natural beauty they held. They all seemed identical, yet somehow each was still unique.
Most of the ponies on campus were enjoying the pleasant weather, each choosing to meander through the courtyards rather than hide away in their dorms. That was for the winter months that would soon be upon them, and they were making use of the precious few moments of warmth by communing outside. Unlike the rest, was alone in the crowds. Most had their fair share of friends and colleagues around them, but I had nothing. I had neglected even entertaining the thought that a friend would be a worthwhile investment. I looked on in envy as I watched them enjoying their time together.
Eventually I will make a group of friends, I thought as I turned my attention to the massive student center in the middle of campus. The building itself stood apart from the rest, its form more abstract than the marble buildings that surrounded it. It was the main gathering point for all of the  ponies who wished to join their fellow classmates to discuss their courses and study together. That was the intent, anyway. Instead, the center was mainly used as a place for relaxation from the exhausting classes that they attended. It was a place that represented a community inside the school, the place where life was breathed into the student body and where many found themselves spending most of their time.
Maybe some social interaction would do me well, I thought as I confidently trotted toward the center. I believed that somehow I would be able to converse so naturally with others, and that I would be a likeable pony. Unfortunately, that was not the case.
As I stepped into the center, I realized that I knew no one. There was not a single pony in sight that I had seen earlier in my day, and I was unable to find anypony that was as alone as I. For several awkward minutes, I strolled around the center, trying to find some pony who I deemed worthy to talk to. Again, despite all of the situations that had proved my pride was worthless, I was ready to begin building it up once more. I saw a few ponies, a few which were disconnected from the rest, but I avoided them. For some reason I was completely fine with selecting my friends based on mere appearance.
I didn’t want to be ‘that stallion,’ the one who socialized the others who seemed to bathe in mud rather than a bathroom. I wanted to be part of that ‘in crowd’ the crowd that I had come to hate in my early life. Somehow, they seemed to be above the rest, and I felt that I deserved a place in their ranks.
I watched from the sidelines I had been so accustomed to only to find that my place was still here. Despite my desire, I felt an urge to keep myself away from them. I have no idea why I did this, but the thoughts that swirled around my head were so confused and so terrified that I could not bring myself to simply walk up and join them in their discussion. I believed that I could be above them, and that feeling brought me to a place where I felt excluded. I continued to watch from the sidelines, to live my life alone and above.
As I watched the crowd, much like I had before my first class, I realized that I was frighteningly alone. I wanted to be part of the group that I could never bring myself to talk to, while I strived to be above those who wished to talk to me. I was so high up in the clouds, that I lost sight of my true social standing, the one place I could fit it. I fought it with every portion of my soul, trying to be the pony that nopony wishes to be.
Much to my regret, I ended up leaving the student center only minutes after I had entered. I felt as though I was unable to make a connection into the groups I wanted, and I didn’t realize I was making the others feel the same. As I stepped back out into the warm afternoon air, I realized how deceptive it truly was. Nature seemed inviting, ready to accept me with open arms into its warm embrace, but it was the only thing that was willing to accept me for who I was. I had decided, in my own arrogance, to act as though my life were completely unattainable. It worked for the celebrities, and I figured it would work for myself as well. I was wrong.
I decided to make my way back to the dorm. Instead of humbling myself, I let myself be an outcast. As I meandered through the warmth of the afternoon, I felt powerfully alone. This wasn’t the feeling that had been creeping up on me through the day, it was much more powerful than that. I had let that pride inside of me to turn me into the shell of the pony I should have been.
I had had several chances during that day to make friends, to influence the other ponies to like me, but instead I decided to hate. The realization of this fact began to dawn on me as I stepped into my dorm. I was going to live with the ponies that were loitering around the lobby, but I didn’t know a single one. I took no notice to them, despite my soul now begging my pride to give in. I wanted so desperately to be known, to be cared about in this new and frightening world, but all I did was ignore them.
Instead, I walked to my room and closed the door. It would remain that way until the morning of the next day when classes would begin once again. I hated myself for it, for leaving that last best opportunity to join that family of stallions. I ignored those around me, instead replacing them with the thought of the peers I had grown up with and surpassed. I was quickly becoming disgusted with myself, but I soon realized that I couldn’t bear to socialize with them. I thought I had done too much damage, and I was now facing the consequences of my actions. I was alone, and I deserved it.
I started my homework, the only thing I knew to do amid the swirling doubts that filled my mind. For hours I poured myself into my books, trying against all odds to avoid facing my own mind with no distractions. I knew I was too far gone, I had made too many errors to reconcile, but I avoided it nonetheless. I wanted that drug of pride for the few remaining moments that I could. For as I did my work, as I poured every last bit of myself into my studies, I began to attempt to rebuild that castle. I had no reason to believe that I could be redeemed, and I knew it. All I could manage was occupying my time with something that I knew would only delay the inevitable.
As I the night pressed on, I was confronted with the thoughts that I so desperately did not want to acknowledge. What is wrong with you? Why are you so hateful? What will you gain from this endless push for superiority? These thoughts swirled amidst the chaotic happenings outside of my door. I heard laughter, I heard the one chance that I had to be accepted being played out in the hallway just behind that wooden barrier. All of my soul, wanted so desperately to be included, but that tiny castle still held me back from my one true desire. All I could do was drown myself in the negligible work that I had been assigned. I was miserable.
Soon, the sun set on the university, and plunged the world into darkness. I pressed on through the night, studying the subjects I had looked at through the day. I poured through them, trying to understand everything I could, but all I managed to do was fill my mind with jargon that I had yet to comprehend. As I read and reread pages, I began to realize what I was doing to myself. I was only waiting, spending the last few moments of wakefulness that I had in an attempt to keep my mind from thinking of my isolation. I could not bear it, but it crept ever closer to my mind.
Several hours after the sun had plunged beneath the horizon, I finally realized that I could stave it off no longer. Instead of building my own pride, or ignoring the thoughts that pushed their way into my mind, I was finally forced to confront my biggest and deepest fear; that I was not worthy, and I knew it. I had been waiting for this moment for hours now, but when it finally struck me, it hit hard.
In that moment, as I recounted the events that had transpired during the day, I began to realize what I was doing all along. I had loved that first professor with his pompous attitude and important nature because I wanted to be like him. I realized I disliked the professor that had been so kind to me after I had been so hateful because I wanted nothing to do with compassion. I understood why that unicorn, who called me out on my own self importance, had cut so deeply into my being. It was because he had, in one hasty comment, completely destroyed that very castle that I had been building for years. I generated that self importance because I could not find it anywhere else. I forced myself into this mindset that I was important because I could not get the validation anywhere else.
I let my head drop to the desk, the whole of my body desiring that the contact would knock the consciousness from my mind. Tears began to stream from my eyes as I realized the monster I had become. I had, within only a minute, discovered so much about my flaws, that I was beginning to hate myself.
It would take me several years before I could truly say that I had been absolved from the pain that I had felt on that night. I ended up staying awake, my mind torturing me by forcing those thoughts of self hatred into itself. It was the second time I would truly hate somepony for who they were. I began to realize I did not deserve the things I had rejected. My mind began to ride trains of fallacious logic to their final outcome. I resolved, then and there, to never forgive myself for what I had done.
I don’t remember much after that. All I know is that I woke up feeling no better than I had when I had fallen asleep. I tossed my coat over my body, that barrier that would become my first layer of defense against the world as I retreated into my own mind. I distinctly remember the feeling I had as I paused at the door for only a moment. It was a feeling that I kept locked away in my heart, for it would become the definition of who I was.
I felt as though I did not belong.

> II. The Union
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	For the next few months of my life, my mind was bound by that overbearing sense of isolation. Throughout each day, I would simultaneously try to reach out to the other ponies that lived around me and I would push them away to punish myself for not socializing. It was a vicious cycle that only became more and more difficult to bear through my college life. With the change in scenery, classes beginning to show their true workload, and the world becoming more hostile, I began to fall behind.
I would try to stay up later, study harder, and focus more, but somehow I simply couldn’t come up with the ability to stay in that lofty place that I had come to cherish. I started to wonder if my collegiate life was just some big cosmic accident, a mistake in the grand workings of the universe that somehow didn’t account for me.
There was, however, one class that forced me to leave those doubts behind. It was the one class where I felt truly immersed; history. I loved everything about my History 201 class. Professor Bales’ zany attitude always made me crack a smile, ushering in some hope that my day could get better. The lectures were grand, and the subjects he discussed were grander still. He would lecture on massive wars, only to relate them to two squabbling fillies on the playground. He had this uncanny ability to make the distant past seem glorious, and still leave us in awe as he explained the less exciting times of the discordian reign.
The last thing I remember about that class on this particular day was that I did not bid my professor farewell. Due to the increasing rigor of school, I was beginning to feel the effects of mental stress. 
As I strode through the familiar corridors of the lecture hall, I let myself pick up to a brisk trot. Applied Chemistry was next, and I had developed a new path to that class. Instead of having to gallop through the school like a madman, all I had to do was trot through The Union; the place where the unicorns were taught their magical practices. It was a choice between facing the humiliation of sprinting through the school grounds, and possibly missing my class as a result, or being ridiculed by the unicorns that ruled the university, a feeling I had become numb to for the most part.
It wasn’t easy the first few times, but once the unicorns realized that I was only passing through, they began to leave me alone, aside from their usual mocking jeer or snicker. It kept me from smelling like an earth pony as well. That was one of the biggest benefits to the creation of this new route through The Union. I gave little care and they slowly began to care little about me.
It was obvious that their section of the school was pampered and praised. Banners of purple silk marked the classrooms, and each one was filled with expensive luxuries. Floor to ceiling chalkboards were commonplace throughout The Union, the logic being that the unicorn professors could easily write on the upper and lower extremities. Instead of the tables that filled up the other buildings, desks were organized in geometric rows on cascading floors. Every seat had a clear view of the professor and the entirety of the chalkboard. It was constructed with the purpose to educate. The floors were not tiled, but rather covered in a soft carpet that would make me think twice about taking my route during a rainstorm. 
At first it had angered me, that the school would spend so much money on these lavish expenses, but I soon grew apathetic. There was no reason that we needed any of these things, but everything in the rooms of The Union seemed practical. The unicorns would commonly rise from their seats to respond to a question or to cast spells, making individual desks a necessity rather than a luxury. The students needed to see the complex spells the professors would scribble onto the board so their seats needed to be lofted.
I found myself slowing to a walk as I strode past active classes. Their course schedules, just like everything else about them, were different than ours. Rarely would I see a soul on my trek through that building, and I prefered it that way. The unicorns didn’t bother me, and I didn’t bother them. Most probably assumed I was part of the large janitorial staff that kept The Union in spotless condition.
Sometimes the professors would leave their doors open, letting their seemingly infinite knowledge leak out into the hallways as I passed. It was somehow thrilling to me, that I could hear bits and pieces of the lectures and discussions of those classes. Phrases such as “While this is illegal to use outside of campus—” ,“I believe that worked, but I may have accidentally broken the laws of physics again” or, my personal favorite “Let’s try that again in the fourth dimension,” were tossed around like one would discuss the weather. It was commonplace for them to learn these kinds of subjects, and I had become acutely aware of why the unicorns acted so superior. They held, in their horn, the ability to completely change the way the world operated. They could ignore the laws of physics and conjure up spells to modify whatever they chose.
I loved strolling through those halls; not for the power that I gained from being in their presence, but rather, I enjoyed thinking of all the possibilities they had in their grasp. What else goes on behind those doors? What other feats of magic were being performed on a daily basis here? I was intrigued, my curiosity piqued by the unattainable power that dwelled behind those doors. I knew I couldn’t be a part of it. Deep down, I knew that I was standing in the school of the gods. I couldn’t join their ranks. I couldn’t walk into these classes on a whim. There was only one thing I could do: imagine.
Every time I stepped into The Union, I stepped into a completely different world. I imagined myself freely venturiung into the lectures and take my seat alongside of the others to hear these great minds speak. I wanted to feel included, and, for some unknown reason, I felt at home here. It was beautifully peaceful, nonchalantly powerful, and above all, it was a place where boundaries didn’t matter quite as much.
As I rounded the final corner, I felt sad, as though I was leaving a place where I truly belonged. I wasn’t like them, but that didn’t stop my heart from yearning to learn about those unfathomable subjects. My world began to fade, the imaginary acceptance dwindling with it, and I became aware of my surroundings once again. As I walked past that final class at the end of the hall, I remember hearing two specific words: “Earth Pony.” They were part of a longer conversation, but they struck me as odd. It wasn’t condescending, rude, or disgusted; rather, it was part of a question. My ears perked up, and my mind was suddenly aware of the discussion in the classroom.
I reached the second door of that same classroom, my ears now straining to hear anything that might be uttered in that place. I wanted to know, because I was hungry for the impossible. Then, as I quietly walked past the doorway, I heard someone, who I assumed to be the professor, respond to that question about my kind.
“While earth ponies can hypothesize on spells...” his voice faded away just as soon as it had come. A second later, I had left the building and entered the world of my peers. All of the feelings of solitude and sadness returned, drowning the quote beneath layers of sadness in my soul.
I only had a few minutes until Applied Chemistry, and I had been quickly thrust back into the world I had learned to despise. Within a moment, my exquisite, beautiful realm was marred by the cold reality outside of The Union. I became aware that time was slipping away by the second. I broke out into a gallop as I began to race toward my next class. I had a directive, and I was focused on it.
I entered my Applied Chemistry class with only a few seconds to spare. It had become commonplace for me to run in as the door was closing, and the professor was sympathetic to my plight. He knew of the trek that I was faced with between classes, but he was under the impression that I should be on time to class regardless.
“I see somepony is a few seconds later than usual,” he quipped as I trotted to my seat.
“I was running into the wind today,” I said with a smile as I sat onto my chair.
“Alright class,” the professor announced through the maze of glass tubes and beakers before him. “Today our lesson will focus on titration.”
I tried to pay attention to the lecture, but my mind had other plans. Instead of watching the professor, it decided to drift back into that world of imagination. This had been happening more frequently as the semester went on. The classes were becoming more difficult, and I was tempted to retreat to those imaginary worlds where I was king. I let my mind wander through the vast halls of The Union, a place that had become a symbol of power.
I strolled through its halls at unorthodox hours as the seas of unicorns poured over the carpet. I simply walked, free to choose any one of those doors that held a wealth of information behind them. I never dared open them, however, for I could never conjure up the spectacular happenings inside the rooms. Whenever I had tried, my imaginary world had collapsed into a void of the unknowable. I wanted to fill it, to seek out those hidden truths. It was so tantaliz-
“Well Starswirl?” the professor asked, tearing me back into reality.
“What?” I asked, stunned by the sudden interruption.
“Is it possible to titrate two acids together?”
“I—yes?” I said, trying to weasel my way out of the trap I was caught in.
“And how would you go about doing that?” the professor asked as his eyebrow drifted upwards.
I couldn’t respond. I had no idea what the class was on or what a titration was. My eyes grew wide as I tried to come up with some reasonable explanation. My mind was blank, and everypony knew it.
The professor waited a few seconds before responding to his own question. “Starswirl is incorrect,” he started as my heart sunk. “Titrations are to be performed with an acid, base, and indicator.”
I was paying attention now, but I was still ashamed at my failure to exercise my knowledge. I had failed, once again, to make myself feel like I was in a group. The professor droned on, continuing his lecture on the chemistry behind titrations. I was left, however, to sit in silence and isolation. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I was unable to make myself be who I wanted.
It was the most grueling hour I had experienced in a long time. I felt as though I had been publicly shamed and left to rot in the corner, my stench only growing worse as the professor continued on. It took every part of my body to keep my mind sitting squarely in reality, and even then I began to let it wander ever so slightly. It was horrible, but I couldn’t risk another moment of humiliation. As my mind followed that same flawed logic of self hatred I had come to know all too well, I condemned myself to isolation for rest of the day. It seemed only fair, as I had just proven myself unable to pay attention to a simple lecture.
I watched the professor intently, as though I could repay the distraction I had made earlier with focused attention now, but it was useless. I had, with my only opportunity, proven myself to be inept. Not only to my teacher, but also to my fellow classmates. I was a wreck, but there was nothing I could do to change myself.
The professor did not stop me on my way out. He seemed to not care about me, and that was fine. I did want him to talk to me and to ask why I had become more disconnected from class, but then again, I was in college now. It was my responsibility, not that of my professors, to keep up with myself, and I was doing a terrible job.
I remember walking back to my dorm, my head hung low in shame. Still, after nearly an hour, that embarrassment sat in my soul like a burning ember, slowly charring more of my being. It was painful—excruciating even—to feel those lingering effects of shame, but I felt as though I deserved them. I remember taking my eyes off the ground for a moment to look at the student center. I  wanted so badly to call that place my home, but the same feelings of isolation continued to bar me from that place.
I turned my attention back to the ground, and to the grass that was carpeted in the leaves of fall. Immediately, an image of violet carpet came to my mind. It was that of the floors of The Union, that place that I held in such high regard. I couldn’t help myself as I replayed the scene that had occurred that day. I walked myself through the hall, just as I had that day.
I could see the lavish expense. I could hear the voices of those professors. I could see myself wandering those halls in absolute wonder. I quietly rounded the corner in my mind’s eye as I replayed that scene. I remembered my ear twitching, its sensitivity triggered by the utterance of “Earth Pony.”
That’s when I heard it, as I remembered myself walking past that second door, an extra portal to the same room. The phrase was spoken in passing, as though it were a fleeting breeze, but that phrase changed me. With one dismissive comment, I had been given the ability to believe in something greater.
“While earth ponies can hypothesize on spells…” It left as quickly and gently as it arrived, but the words were unmistakable. Immediately, I was ripped from my imagination, my heart skipping a beat as I realized what had been said.
“Earth ponies can hypothesize on spells?” I whispered as I looked around. I didn’t expect an answer, as I was simply ensuring that i was still firmly planted in reality. A strong breeze rolled over the orange trees on the far end of the mall. It caught my attention as it stirred the leaves from the grass in a small wave. As it rolled over me, I was met with a new realization: I was very much in reality. A chill raced down my spine as the implications of the phrase began to set in. It fueled me, and gave me a drive to move once more. A door had been opened.
I raced back to my dorm as quickly as I could. I don’t know why I went there. It never gave me any sense of solace, but I galloped to that room all the same. I was fueled with a new energy that coursed through my veins. I thought I had been given the chance to be something I never could have imagined, and I wanted it so desperately that I became unaware of my isolation. For a few brief moments, not only did I feel as though I would be accepted, I felt as though my purpose had been just pointed out. I probably scared some of the other ponies that lived on my floor as I barreled through the hall and threw myself into my room.
I slammed the door, bolted it closed, and raced to my desk. I scribbled out the phrase faster than I knew I could. The letters weren’t pretty, but I couldn’t forget that essential phrase that had been uttered hours ago.
“While earth ponies can hypothesize on spells…” I whispered as I looked at the page on my desk. The scrawl was illegible, that much was certain, but I could read it as though it were typed. I knew what the words said, but as I stared the sentence, a new sensation began to take hold. What does it mean?
I had been so wrapped up in the fragment that I had neglected its context. I jotted down the preceding phrase above it, as though the only other bit of context I had would somehow give me some clue as to what it meant.
“Earth pony…” I whispered, trying to match the upward inflection that I had heard. “While earth ponies can hypothesize on spells.” Something was there, some deeper meaning was behind these words, but I couldn’t quite grasp it. Can earth ponies really hypothesize on spells? I wondered. Can they use magic?
I grabbed my dictionary, the one that I had purchased months ago yet never opened. “H… y… p…” I muttered as I swiped through the pages as quickly as I could without tearing them from the binding. “Hypothesize!” I shouted. I already knew what the word meant, but I needed the verification. My adrenaline began to race as I read the definition aloud. “Hypothesize… verb…” I started, my voice shaking with excitement. “to form a hypothesis…”
My eyes darted to the entry above. “Hypothesis… to present an explanation for a phenomenon.”
As my search continued, I began to write out the revised phrase that had been so carelessly uttered. Even though equestrians without wings or horns have the ability to present an explanation for magical phenomena… I read over that line several times, trying to glean any information that may have hidden from me, but it was slowly becoming infuriating. The line itself had no meaning. It was without context, a spell without a caster. I was lost, but I refused to accept that as a reality. I needed to know what that professor meant, and I couldn’t wait.
Hours passed as I redefined and rearranged those words, hoping I could squeeze any more information from them. I was parched, and I had been given a stone. I couldn’t get anything more, but I tried anyway. It wasn’t until the wee hours of the morning that I attempted to rebuild the conversation around the two disjointed phrases. I tried every scenario I could think of, but none of them presented themselves as the truth. I was trying to solve a problem with only half of the equation.
However, I had been given a glimmer of hope.
While I do not remember falling asleep, I remember waking up disgruntled and exhausted. My mind, had been working overtime, and it was not ready to give up just yet. As I came to, I picked up those last few thoughts I had before I drifted off to sleep. I had been wondering if the words really meant anything at all and if I was simply making up nonsense by searching so hard for the answer I couldn’t find.
Maybe it was the sun, that ghostly reminder that each day starts with a little bit more hope than the day before, that told me to look once more. As the light crept onto the page I let my eyes drift to the scrawl that covered its surface. I had filled the paper with the scribblings of my frantic mind, those paragraphs of information that lead nowhere. I had worked so hard, yet in my effort, I had left that first line framed in white. It seemed as though the rest of the words regarded it as sacred and would not dare to venture closer.
It stood from the rest, keeping the lies and distortions from its truth. It was hiding something from me, something that I wanted so desperately to understand. I had stared at it through the night, but it begged for me to take one more glance. As my eyes drifted to the page once more, I felt something stir deep within my soul. It was a feeling I had not felt since I had entered the university. It was hope.
“While earth ponies can hypothesize on spells…” They comforted me. For the first time in a long time, I felt peace. I was driven to discover what this cryptic text told me, but there was also something inside me that told me everything would be alright. I don’t know why I felt that way, but I knew that I would soon be pursuing a place that I was unable to imagine.
In that moment, I resolved to break the code. I decided that I was going to confront the professor, to ask him what he meant, to get an answer to the question that was beginning to burn my soul. I had been given a chance at peering into one of those classrooms, if not only for a moment, and I was going to take it. I was going to pursue that feeling of hope. I was going to understand.
As I began to piece together my plan, a new feeling washed over me. The sun’s rays were alighting on my desk, something that did not happen on tuesdays, or any other day of the week. That hope that had sparked in my soul was suddenly flooded with the realization that I was late for class.
“Damnit!” I didn’t curse often, but it was the only thing I could manage as I quickly gathered up my supplies. I checked the clock on the wall, it was already an hour into my first class on the even days. I quickly dug through my folders and books, gathering everything I needed for the day.
I stowed everything I thought I needed into my bag and raced to the door. As my hoof hit the cold metal handle, I paused. I looked back to that page on my desk. It was a beautiful scene. The rays of the morning sun rested on its wrinkled and smudged surface. The ink of my chaotic musings shined golden in the light. It seemed to reassure me that, despite my tardiness, I was on a path toward redemption.
I nearly broke the door hinges as I raced out of my room and barreled toward my class. I hated being late, but I couldn’t stop my mind from justifying my actions. I was going to be alright, and there was nothing I could do to change that fact. My gallop continued, as I was still late to class, but I was becoming more and more accepting of my fate. I had done the right thing. I was sure of it.
I tried not to draw attention to myself as I quietly took my seat at the back of the classroom, but the professor had different intentions. As soon as his eyes caught my guilty stare, he began his attack.
“That reminds me of a story,” he started, his gaze locked to mine. “When I was a young, impressionable, college student, I decided that sleep was more important than attending class.”
By now, the rest of the class was beginning to face me. I was uneasy, but, remarkably, I was able to keep my cool. That small spark of hope would not let the shame come. I was surprisingly confident, and the professor was beginning to notice.
His voice grew more stern. “I had believed that being asleep had a higher priority than attending my class. And while a morning bed can be a seductress, I was strong enough to fight its strength. I had the willpower to fight its call to remain in bed.”
He smirked. It was a devious smile, the kind one gets when he is more interested in hurting somepony rather than making a point. I wanted to retort, and my mind was already arming with vitriolic ammunition. I was ready to go, to fight my superior and bring him down a notch, but I didn’t. Instead of use that pride that had become my final defense, I decided to take a different route. My nostrils flared as my eyebrows rose. He assumed I had taken the bait and  was going to make a rebuttal to his statement, but he was wrong.
“My apologies professor,” I started, “It will not happen again.” My voice was calm, my reaction genuine, and he did not like it.
I could see his face fall, his attempt to instigate me had failed, and both of us knew it.
“See to it, starswirl,” he muttered as he turned back to the chalkboard.
I felt bad for him, that aged stallion who seemed to harbor so much hatred. I watched him closely as his lecture continued. He began revealing things that I had never noticed before. His hoof had a slight tremor, indicative of his old age. He would write things on the board, and pause before turning around to address the class. It was like he was checking for something, to ensure that he got his facts straight. Maybe his mind was beginning to fail him, maybe he was starting to lose sight of who he was.
It slowly dawned on me that his actions were just like mine had been to my peers and superiors alike. It was a defensive mechanism that I had honed over months of inner hatred and disdain. Then my mind began to follow a different train of thought, one that had never occurred to me. I began to wonder about what might possibly bring a professor to such a level of hatred.
Class was over much sooner than usual, but I decided to remain to confront him. Something deep within me told me to stay, so I did. As the last few students walked out of the room, I rose from my chair.
“Professor Evergreen?” I asked quietly. He tossed his head in my general direction. Not interested in talking with the likes of me, I suppose. “I just wanted to apologize for coming in late today.”
He stopped gathering his papers and let out a sigh. “Was there any particular reason you were tardy?” he grumbled without shifting his gaze from his work.
Part of me wanted to tell him about my recent discovery, but I knew that would mean nothing to him. I pondered for a moment, giving him time to gather his papers so he could direct his attention at me. “I was up early studying,” I said, trying to dodge the subject of my newfound hope.
“And what captured your attention?” he asked as he turned his eyes toward mine. They were empty, not full of the hope like those of my finance professor. “What was so important that you were forced to sleep through half of my class?
I remember looking at the professor with the most conflicted expression my face could muster. In that time I realized that I was faced with a decision. “I must have just let time get away from me.” With that simple phrase, I simply turned to the door and strode out. I didn’t even give him the chance to respond, I left the room and quickly made my way to lunch.
The rest of the day seemed to race by, but that one small incident burned itself into my mind. For some reason I couldn’t help but ask myself why I simply left. I wasn’t afraid of him at that point, I wasn’t dependent on his acceptance, but I still kept my mouth shut. 
Everything else that day has turned into a blur. I remember going about my routine with a separate, distinct feeling about what my future held. I began to realize that I, unlike my past self, was about to embark on a brand new journey of self discovery, as cliche as it sounds. It felt heavy, that impending sense of the unknown, for I still was not sure of the outcome of my decision. Would I be ridiculed by that group that always stood above me? Would I be adopted into their arms like a brother? There was no way I could know, and that thought alone bore down on me like a press. Every bit of my impatience and hope were being systematically squeezed from my system.
I felt every drop leak from me as I struggled to each successive class. It felt as though my day was being stretched along with my impatience. I told myself not to worry, but I could never fully believe that lie. It was as though my mind were convincing itself that I was prepared, despite knowing full well that I would not be prepared at all. Not even my imagination itself could comprehend the mysteries behind that barrier of a door. And those mysteries were ones that I would face in a few short hours. Everything that I knew was about to change, and all I could do was wait for it to happen.
As my day came to an end and I strode into my dorm, I was, once again, confronted by those feelings of such power. The notes that I had taken in the early morning remained in that same spot where the light had once shined. Now, however, the room was dark. The only light that trickled in was the soft pale aura of the moon. It seemed to add a gentle glow to everything it touched, including that paper. Instead of being hopeful, as it had been that morning, the light was peaceful, calm, and pallid. It seemed to comfort me, but not with hope, with reassurance. I had, in the hours that I had spent through the night, come to realize something about myself. I was more than what they said. I was an earth pony who seemed to have it in his mind that he could achieve more than just the caste that society put him in. I was breaking boundaries to find myself, and that gave me comfort.
I gently stepped toward that piece of paper on my desk. It seemed to reel me in, as though I were caught in its embrace. It wanted me to feel as though I was something worthwhile. It’s funny,  the feelings caught on that small piece of paper on my desk were the only source of hope in my life. Despite its size, I realized that what it represented was something truly grand. I believed that I was able to rise above the rest and become the pony that my dreams begged me to be.
I had a chance, and that was a feeling that I hadn’t felt in the longest time.
The next day, I woke up feeling refreshed. Instead of spending my entire night straining against the darkness to read my own scrawl, I was able to catch a few winks of sleep. Despite this, I was still quite exhausted from that late night the night before. I didn’t want to get out of my bed, more so today than most others. Despite my desire to snooze for a few minutes more, something drove me from my bed. From the moment my eyes opened, I was filled with an energy unlike any other. I was so excited for the day’s events that I was ready to start despite my exhaustion.
Everything I did that morning was routine. I woke at the normal hour, I showered, and everything was normal. I was living the life of an earth pony, but I had the hope of leaving it. I remember focusing on each task as though everything was about to change. I paid attention to the time I spent brushing my teeth, I took note of how many strokes I used to brush my mane, I did everything I could to remember this morning. Something inside of me said that I was going to soon leave this world, and that I needed to remember this day in particular.
I began to pack my things for the day. I knew what I needed, it had become quite routine to grab my notebooks for Agriculture, Finance, History, and Chemistry, but as I started out of my room, I remembered one more thing. That crumpled, scribbled on piece of paper that sat on my desk seemed to call out to me, to say that it belonged inside of my bag as well. I gently folded it in half, then in half again, before sliding it into the outer pocket. I wasn’t about to leave that vestige of hope to sit in the still air of my dorm. I picked it up and placed it in my bag.
My first class of the day was Agriculture, a class that had become a symbol of everything that I did not want to be. I hated the lecture hall, that impersonal colloseum of demeaning thoughts and form fitting ideologies. I hated the crowd, that writhing hive mind with its mindless stares and reasonless obedience. And worst of all, I hated the professor. That bullshit spewing lecturer that lived off of the same pride that had crushed me. I suppose I was jealous to a degree. He was able to create this persona that I had tried so hard to adopt, but simply couldn’t. I would watch his lecture, each day trying to pick up on some other nuance that I detested, and I usually succeeded. I was able to pass judgement on him that I felt he so strongly deserved. I was taking notes on who not to be, but I didn’t realize that I was using those same traits to judge him.
He lectured about who knows what for what seemed like decades. So much was going to happen later that time seemed to slow to a crawl. I couldn’t pay attention, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t extinguish that hope. I found my hoof slowly reaching into my bag to retrieve that piece. I wanted so badly for the words on that page to ring true in a way that would change my life. I was hell bent changing my life, and that feeling only grew stronger as that lecturer droned on in his pompous tone. I was desperate to prove him wrong and to pursue the life that I believed would be the best for me. I let the wrinkled paper rub against my hooves. It was as though I could feel the confidence flow into me just from its touch.
I let myself begin to unfold the page. I knew what was on the inside for I had memorized everything on that page, but something inside of me told me to take another look. Through the unintelligible scrawl, I found comfort and peace. Despite my lackluster performance in my studies, I was given another glimmer of hope in my life.
“And furthermore,” the professor shouted from stage far below, interrupting my thoughts and drawing my attention. “I believe that it is our duty to maintain our position in society.”
I desperately wanted to speak out, to deny those words spoken from hatred, but I did not. I remained silent as that stallion continued to spew his lies. I felt as though my words would do nothing, and I was probably right. If I had chosen to speak against him, I would have been crushed no doubt. I kept quiet for the rest of the class, holding that piece of paper between y hooves as though though it were a trapped bug. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing it, it meant so much to me. It was my source of hope, or at least it seemed to be, and I ensured that it did not leave my sight.
When class finally ended, I was one of the first ponies out of the room. I wanted to get away from that stallion, the one that had initially been my hero. As I left the room, one thing lingered with me. That phrase that he had said, that false utterance of pride that said I was nothing, began to mull itself over in my mind. I believe that it is our duty to maintain our position in society. It started to take hold of me as I strode to the cafeteria. With each step, the words seemed to grow more powerful in my mind. It was unnerving.
Now was the time to wait. My next class, finance, would start in an hour, and I had no idea how to spend my time. My mind drifted back to that time when I had tried to study the dirt. I could feel my cheeks getting red as I remembered that moment where I had been a fool. I began to trot as my mind began to wander.
The world around me blurred as I strolled through the autumn air. My mind drifted to the time that I had first remembered those words uttered from that room. They had meant so much to me, but their importance had been marred by the faulty research I had performed. I began to run through the situations that I would find on the other side of the door, but despite my best efforts, I could not bring my mind’s eye to open that portal. It was as though it was impossible to understand, a pointless thought experiment that lead to nowhere.
My thoughts grew heavy, my mind struggling to keep up with my ambitions as they swirled in a disorganized mess in my head. I struggled to pin down my thoughts, but all of them seemed to spiral out of control. In one scene I pictured them readily accepting me, another depicted me as their test subject. Any and all situations flooded my mind, I was beginning to lose control of my imagination.
During those chaotic happenings, I lost track of time. The clock tower struck 15 minutes till, and immediately crushed my racing mind. Time for finance, I thought as I strode back into that giant lecture hall. It brought me comfort to know that my mind would be forced to focus on something, but part of me knew that I wouldn’t be able to focus.
Despite my teacher’s best efforts, my mind began to wander once more as I walked into the class. By the time I had taken my seat, my thoughts had already begun their descent into madness. This time they began with the thoughts of the first interaction I had with that jovial professor that stood before me. He was kind enough to give me a chance, but I was too selfish to acknowledge him.
It was then when I noticed something about who I really was, I realized that I wasn’t ready. I had been so prideful, and part of me knew that I was still prone to it. I began to wonder if my desire was truly pure, not based on that pride that I had fostered for so long. That thought rolled through my mind as I watched the professor drone on. Why do you want to know about magic? Do you just want to be more powerful than your peers? The thoughts began to taunt me, and I began to believe them. Maybe I am just trying to rebuild that pride, I thought, letting that disgusting idea fill my mind and begin to snuff out my only sense of drive I had left. The fear of myself was slowly smothering my hope.
As I entered the cafeteria, I was met with a strong feeling of dread. My mind flashed back to the unicorn who had so flippantly called me out on my pride. It was a memory that was deeply etched into my soul and reminded me that I was still just an earth pony. Nothing more, nothing less, my mind whispered as I grabbed my tray and began to fill it with food. As it grew heavier, so did my sadness.
I began to doubt my decision. Maybe I should forget this ever happened, I thought as I strode through that ever present line at the buffet. What if this was all a fluke? Those seeds of doubt were not without warrant, and I knew it. It was becoming clearer every second that I was about to break a boundary that couldn’t be broken. I wasn’t ready, I knew it, and my ambition began to fade.
The reality of the situation hit me as I stepped onto the cafeteria floor. The unicorns who had been behind me in the line trotted off to their elevated sitting area. For the first time, I paused, entertaining the notion of walking up those stairs and doing the unimaginable. I realized, as I was thinking, my body was doing. I was trotting, along with the rest of the unicorns, toward those stairs. I felt as though I was locked into place, forced to go up into their ranks and join them.
In that moment, I was faced with a decision. I could stay on the floor, with the rest of my kind, or I could venture into the unknown that represented so much to me. I could accept my fate—my place in life—or I could venture up into my dreams.
I stopped, dead in my tracks, and pushed my way out of the stream. That was the moment that the sadness truly began to creep into my soul. It encroached on that spark of hope as I trotted to that familiar, lonely table in the back of the cafeteria. I felt as though  I would never be like them, and I began to despise myself for it. I wanted so badly to be a part of them, but I knew I couldn’t. I was just an earth pony, one of those dirty cretins that roamed the school outside of The Union. I hated myself for thinking that I could be one of them.
I didn’t end up finishing my lunch, it was too much of a burden to feed myself. I felt as though I wasn’t worth the effort, that I hadn’t earned my food. As I strode out of the cafeteria, my feelings had completely changed. Instead of being encouraged, I was downtrodden. My life seemed to be leading a direction that would only bring me to failure. In that line, I had felt completely trapped, and that feeling was coming back to me. I had made a promise to myself, but it was a promise I no longer believed I could keep.
Despite my yearnings, I couldn’t bring myself to break free of the society that had held me in its grasp for so long. Instead of breaking the chains and proving them wrong, all I had done was prove them right. I was a pathetic waste of time, and that piece of paper that had represented so much in my life was beginning to weigh me down. I began to realize that I was just an earth pony, nothing more, nothing less. I had been born into a life that could never change, and I knew it.
I was trying to do the impossible, and I was quickly realizing what impossible really meant.
By the time I reached my history class, my dreams were almost completely crushed. Instead of hope that fueled me, it was that same feeling of worthlessness and dread that I had felt ever since my first day. It seemed as though escape was a cruel trick my mind teased itself with, only to bring it deeper into depression. Every day ended worse than the one before, but there was one time of solace; history class.
“Hello Starswirl!” Professor bales chirped as I took my seat in the front of the class. “Are you ready for the lecture?”
I smiled and nodded. I was too afraid that my voice would become shaky to speak, so I kept quiet.
“I see somepony has stolen your voice.”
I looked around me. It was still early, and the rest of my classmates hadn’t arrived yet. I decided to have a little fun with my professor. I nodded again.
Professor Bales threw his hoof over his mouth as he took in a sharp gasp. “We cannot stand for this!”
I heavily furrowed my brow and viciously shook my head. I enjoyed his antics, so I did the best I could to match his.
“Let us find the perpetrator!”
I widened my eyes in shock as I obviously looked at the clock, then back to Bales.
“But you are right,” he started as he rubbed his chin, “we shall search after the lecture!”
I nodded, my entire body moving from the effort. He’ll forget by the end anyway.
“Greetings class!” he started as the rest of the ponies found their seats. “Today we are going to venture into the land of the everfree.” As always, his voice was the perfect storytelling sort. He immediately gathered the attention of all the ponies in the room. “But, we aren’t talking about its origins today. Instead, we will discuss the construction of the greatest testament to engineering known to equestria! The Arx Project.”
“A hundred years ago, a group of ponies came together in an attempt to do the impossible. They met at the edge of what we call the Everfree forest and discussed plans to utilize a new kind of magic that had been discovered only months before. These ambitious stallions and mares had one thing in common, the drive to do the impossible. With only the small amount of tools at their disposal, and an even more limited amount of magic, they conspired to prove the power of their newfound spell.”
“For the longest time, ponies never believed that they could build a lasting structure deep within the everfree. Even small houses and barns that had been too close to the everfree had been destroyed by the undulating encroachment of the forest. Then, a new type of magical spell was devised, and everything changed. It wasn’t your typical spell, for this spell was a type of delivery method, an enchantment. It allowed highly trained unicorns to cast enchantments that would last for years instead of minutes.”
“The spell itself had been developed over several years of careful research and execution in the highest secrecy. A long duration enchantment spell in the hooves of the nation’s enemies was a dangerous possibility. With that kind of power, the world could take a turn for the worst at any moment. They dubbed their work: Project Sequoia, and hid themselves away for years as they worked.”
“One of the interesting facts about Project Sequoia was its compartmentalization. Nopony, save one, was ever given access to the spell itself. During that time, equestria was facing heightened political tensions with it’s neighbors. The nation couldn’t risk letting such power leak with the loose cannons of its creators. With its borders still being established, there were threats of an invasion nearly every day. The Gryphon empire was quickly becoming infuriated with the new equestrian nation as the ponies began to expand outward toward their lands. The government was well aware of this approaching threat, and the two sisters decided to fund the project.”
“The Arx Project was initiated after the highest tensions of that time began to dwindle. With the world beginning to ask where their tax dollars were spent, the sisters forced Project Sequoia into the open. They did this, by authorizing construction of a castle deep in the Everfree. Despite the media outcry against the extravagant move, the sisters made a decree for their castle’s construction, and that is where the true challenge began.”
“That night, the ponies of the Sequoia Project met a group of the top engineers right outside of the forest. Through the night, they devised plans for what they dubbed The Arx Project. It would take an army of a thousand just to keep the forest clear long enough for the foundation of the castle to be laid. With such an impossible task ahead of them, the group was faced with a decision. They could reject the challenge, despite the direct order from the princesses, or they could carry on, and possibly create the most spectacular structure to date. As the sun rose on their meeting in the field, they decided not to try—but to succeed.”
“The Arx Project began the next day. Thousands of workers from every aspect of Equestrian life were called to help build the structure. They met on the edge of the everfree forest where the Sequoia Team briefed them on their mission. The everfree was known to be dangerous, but the project had already begun. When the team explained that not everypony would return, nopony budged. Everypony was willing to sacrifice themselves for the cause.”
“The hike lasted for three days, the ponies trudging through completely uncharted lands to the location that had been chosen overnight. Many stallions and mares lost their lives on that treacherous hike, but the team continued on. Most of those who died, died of starvation, a few died from predators, and fewer still died from separation. We have no numbers on the losses of that journey, but many lost a friend on that trip. It took two agonizing weeks to clear the forest, cut the stone, and lay the foundation to the castle.”
“Then, the caster arrived. The pony who knew the spell rode in on a royal escort. Nopony remembers his name, where he came from, or where he went, but everypony remembers what he did. It only took a second to cast that spell, but it has become one of the relics of the early Equestrian story.”
I couldn’t help but stare as Professor Bales paused his story. I had been so engrossed that I hadn’t realized the implications of his speech. He looked at us all, a sparkle in his eye as he prepared his always grand conclusion.
“That spell that was cast by that unnamed unicorn so many years ago has lasted for a hundred years. The Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters still stands today, functioning just the same as it always has. It has stood the test of the time.”
I was awestruck. My entire life I had never known of the Arx Project, yet it was so instrumental in creating the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters. I was so amazed, but there was another part of me that was encouraged by that speech. I had somehow made the connection that my life was just like that castle. It was impossible for me to become anything more than an earth pony, I knew that I would be facing a situation just like that of the Arx Project.
They had no idea of what would become of their idea, but they decided to try, I thought as I began thinking of my own challenges, and somehow that gave me hope.
“There have been many theories on who that unicorn was,” the professor started again. “Some believe he was a time traveler, others believe that he was just a myth conjured up by the delusions of the workers, but no pony really knows the truth. Most believe it is better this way, and that pony’s identity is inconsequential to society, but his impact was monumental. All we know about him is the fact that he was a unicorn, that is all. We don’t even know if he was a she.”
Professor Bale’s eyes drifted up to the clock. He frowned.
“I suppose we will have to wait on the identity theories for a later time. Class is dismissed.”
I could feel the entire room let out a sigh of dismay. Everypony wanted the story to continue, but time would not allow. I, along with the rest of the class, sulked out of the room, and I began my routine to head to Chemistry. I had a skip in my step, a feeling I hadn’t had when I stepped into my class. I wasn’t ready, but I wasn’t going to back down. I wanted to redefine who I was, and I had that chance. I couldn’t just give it up, I had to try. 
The journey that usually took a few short minutes, seemed to take hours. I was about to face one of the biggest challenges of my life, and to make matters worse, I knew it. Every other challenge came as a surprise, but this, I had waited for this for two days, and the time had finally come for me to make my choice.
I stepped into The Union, that building that had started as a shortcut to my class, but now represented a door, and a choice. As I strode through the halls, I was met with every feeling I had felt over the past few days. I was struck with this feeling of awe, a sense of wonder that seemed to flow from the walls like water. It embraced me, sending chills down my spine as I tried to keep a brisk pace. I was still on time for class, for that gait came naturally now, but part of me knew that I wouldn’t be attending chemistry. I rounded the corner and faced that final hall. It was time.
The door that stood at the end of the hall seemed to beckon me to leave The Union and pursue that world that I had always known. It was glass, and I could easily see through that portal to the world I had come to know. My pace slowed to a stop. The door to my right was solid wood, I hadn’t even been able to imagine the wonders of what may lay behind that door. I had no idea what I would be met with on the other side. It was as terrifying as it was exciting.
Time was ticking away, the seconds seeming like hours as my mind raced through all of the situations I had conceived. My hoof reached up to my bag, and slowly withdrew that small piece of paper that had those words scribbled on its surface. They had stirred such emotion in my soul, taken up so much of my mind, but now they seemed inconsequential. As I held that piece of paper in my hoof, I reached out for the door and froze. This is your future, my mind whispered as my hoof began to tremble. My gaze drifted to my left, toward that door of familiarity and the only stability I knew. Despite that world’s abuse, I had come to cherish its comforting regularity, it was one of the last things that I could hold onto, aside from the words on that page that had been taken out of context in a passing conversation. I had no idea what lay behind that door, what would greet me on the other side. It was terrifying.
I started to push, my mind seemingly stopping me from applying too much pressure. I pushed harder, trying to overcome that powerful urge to leave my future and simply stay in that mindset of being lesser. You aren’t good enough, my mind began to whispered as I pushed harder still. Now it seemed as though the door itself was fighting my every attempt to pursue my dreams. I had come so far only to have my mind and the world refuse entry to the one realm I wanted so desperately to be in. I struggled harder still, but the door did not move. I was being repulsed by everything around me, it was impossible.
And then I realized, the hinges were on my side of the door frame. I was supposed to pull. 
> III. Zero Point
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	A strange feeling washed over me as I entered that place. It was as though I was stepping into more than a simple room. The whitewashed walls seemed cleaner than paper. The desks of the room formed a perfect grid. It was the embodiment of perfection in my mind, an unimaginable place where I had finally been admitted.
The professor who stood in the front of the room wore a large hat, indicative of his position in the school council. He was important, and he knew it. “What’s this?” the professor asked as he looked toward me. I was frozen, half in fear and half in wonder. His voice didn’t carry a single hint of prejudice.
I swallowed and clutched the piece of paper more tightly to my chest. “Hi, I’m Starswirl… I just have a quick question,” I started, my voice trying its best not to tremble. “I won’t be long.”
The professor’s gaze drifted to the clock on the wall. “Well… class starts in just a few minutes…” His gaze drifted to the class in an unspoken question.
The rest of the class seemed as curious as I was. It must have been a strange sight for them, seeing an earth pony enter their classroom in a building where the earth pony students never dared to tread. I could feel the tension in the air, their prejudices all emitting that same hatred that I had felt for so many years on end. There was one stallion, however, who didn’t emit that same hatred and he stood at the front of the class.
“I suppose we can hear your question,” the professor said as he looked back to me. “but make it quick.”
I struggled to tear my gaze from the professor and place it on the piece of paper that I held so close. I looked at its surface, with every line that had been so quickly written those few nights ago. This was it, my chance to finally discover what I had been searching for.
“Two days ago, I was walking down the hall through The Union.”
I hadn’t even started my question and another unicorn interrupted me. “What were you doing in The Union?” His voice confirmed my worst fear: I was unwelcome here.
Before I had a chance to respond, the professor looked at the unicorn and commanded him to be silent. “Irrelevant!” he ordered before looking to me. “My apologies, my students are usually more well behaved. Please continue.”
That small act of authority fueled my confidence. The professor was on my side. “I walked past this class and heard the phrase: ‘While earth ponies can hypothesize on spells…’ and I would like to know what you meant by that.”
The professor’s eyebrow cocked ever so slightly. “I don’t remember saying that…” he muttered as he turned toward the unicorns. “Does anyone remember that conversation?”
The students shook their heads. It was then when I became aware of my predicament. I was an earth pony who had just set hoof into the realm of the unicorns. I didn’t belong here. 
“S—Sorry for wasting your time…” I stammered as I quickly pocketed the page. “Thank you.” I quickly started for the door, my mind beginning, once again, to chide me for having any hope in a life beyond what society had defined for me.
As my hoof touched the door handle, the professor spoke up again. “Just a moment.”
I froze, fearing that I would now become an example for the rest of his students.
“Now I said I didn’t remember that specific conversation, but there is evidence that earth ponies can hypothesize on the employment of unicorn magic.”
My ears perked up. In that instant I had realized two specific things. The professor had finished his thought, he had spoken what I had tried to conceive over hours of research. He had also reignited that hope that had been all but snuffed out only moments before.
“Class is about to begin.”
“Oh, I understand,” I said gratefully as I turned to the door once more. “Thank you for your time.” I turned to the door, my mind grateful for the opportunity to gain that small piece of information. I had no idea where I would go now, but my desires had been answered and I was satisfied.	
“You didn’t let me finish, Starswirl. I was going to say: Class is about to begin, why don’t you have a seat.”
I couldn’t have been the only one who was shocked. The entire class was silent. Here I was, an earth pony, that had just been offered a seat in one of the most selective buildings in all of the campus. I had just been given the chance to sit in on a class about magic. I quickly trotted toward the open seat in the back of the room, but the professor had different plans.
“Out of all the seats you could have taken, you chose the back.” He smiled as he stepped toward one of the desks in the front of the room and placed his hoof on its surface. “Sit here.” He turned toward the rest of the class.
“Alright, students,” the professor started as I took my seat in the front of the class. “Does anypony have anything to share?”
The room was silent. I could feel the attention of the students resting directly on me. I was out of place, and everypony knew it.
“Well?” the professor prodded. “Hasn’t anyone been tinkering?”
“I made a bit more progress on my force field spell…” one of the unicorns piped up from behind me.
“Excellent!” the professor said as he strode to the chalkboard and picked up a piece of chalk with his mouth. “What are your methods, Amethyst?”
I thought it was odd how he held the chalk in his mouth, but I had become so accustomed to it that I didn’t give it a second thought.
“Well…” Amethyst started as she rifled through her bag for her notebook. “I was having a hard time getting a magically generated solid to form properly.”
“Were you having difficulties making the mass itself?”
“Well… it doesn’t seem to form around objects properly. I ended up taking a chunk out of my table after I tried to form a sphere around a teacup.”
The class chuckled. The lightheartedness was one of the first things that really put my mind to ease in that strange new world. The class was not a lecture, but instead it was a community. The teacher had as much to learn from his students as he had information to give them. Everypony was equal, and I was beginning to feel that equality.
“I see,” the professor said as he spat the chalk to the lectern and rubbed his chin. “Have you tried employing different shapes?”
“Well… the magic itself is generated from one of those point projections you were telling us about.”
The professor’s gaze caught mine for just a moment. “Can you explain that for our guest? This may prove to be a valuable experience for all of us.”
“Oh… Think of a candle. There is a certain distance from that candle where all of the light is the same intensity. That distance makes a 	shape, and that shape is a sphere. You can call a magically conjured surface on that shape and create a physical barrier.”
The secrets of the magical world were being revealed to me in the most nonchalant way I could have imagined. Amethyst was telling me, an earth pony, about the secrets that her race had held for so many centuries.
“Good explanation,” the professor said. “So let’s evaluate why you ripped apart your table.” He looked to me once again. “Starswirl? Do you have any ideas on why Amethyst’s table was damaged?”
I was stunned. I had just been introduced to a tiny fragment of magic, and now the professor was asking me to give my input.
“With all due respect, Professor Evenstar,” a voice from behind me piped up. “It isn’t quite fair to put Starswirl on the spot like that.”
Evenstar looked to the stallion, his brow furrowing with authority. “It also isn’t fair that none of us are allowed to use magic in my class. Starswirl may just be an earth pony, but he can still contribute if he chooses to.”
I was as scared as I was impressed. Here was a unicorn professor who was going out of his way to let an earth pony join in on the trade.
“Well Starswirl? Do you have any thoughts?”
“Well…” I started. “Did it have to do with the fact that you conjured up a perfect sphere? I would think a solid popping out of nowhere would separate things…”
As my sentence came to a fragmented end, I saw the corner of the professor’s mouth drift upward. “Exactly,” he said as he turned toward Amethyst once more. “You see, that solid you created would have worked, but, as Starswirl said, you made it inside the table. And here is where the fun begins!”
Professor Evenstar raced to the board and began writing once more. “So, with this is mind, we need to take a look at how we form solids. The solution to your issue lies in the fact that the way we make solids with projections are simply rudimentary. Forming complex solids is much more difficult than we can imagine…” He turned to the class, there was a special sparkle in his eye. “This is where we enter the 4th dimension. The best way to go about making a complex shape is trying to discover it’s fundamental parts. Those sometimes exist in higher dimensions.”
“So!” he shouted as he stepped over to his desk. “Let’s take a gander into the 4th dimension, shall we?”
I was confused as I watched him sit into his chair and close his eyes. I was expecting experimentation, testing, or some grandiose display of magic. Instead, however, the rest of the class did the same. They all let their heads droop, their eyes shut, and their minds entered their imagination.
“Alright, go ahead and start building your dimensions. We need 4 today.”
What on earth are they doing?
“Once you get to the fourth, let me know by lightly tapping your desk.” Small tapping noises began to fill the room. By now I was completely unsure as to what was actually happening. The hall grew deathly quiet, and I trembled when Professor Evenstar spoke up once more, breaking the silence with a low voice.
“Alright class, begin by projecting a small sphere in empty space. As you can see, the sphere itself is perfect, but that is a limitation rather than a blessing. To effectively use this sphere, we need to have a section of it removed. To do that, we have two options. We can try and manipulate the sphere as it is, or we can look at it from the fourth dimension.”
“If we wanted to cut off half of the sphere in 3 dimensions, we would need to employ a powerful technique, but in the 4th dimension, it is much easier to pull off. What we need to do is simply draw the sphere on a 3 dimensional grid in the 4th dimension. Now this all may sound confusing, but you need to then cut that drawing with a 4 dimensional object.”
I was completely lost. Not only had the entire class seemingly fallen asleep, the professor was discussing things in unimaginable dimensions. I was quickly becoming overwhelmed.
“Tap the desk when you have a functioning semicircle.”
Slowly, the room filled with light taps. I was completely awestruck at the abilities of the unicorns.
“Amethyst, do you have a good hold on that shape?”
A light tap indicated that she did.
“Excellent. As you can see, the object has a different property after it has been created in the 4th dimension. This entire process is called interdimensional modeling, and it is the foundation for the way unicorns create complex 3 dimensional shapes. Unfortunately, this system is also very taxing.” Professor Evenstar’s eyes slowly opened. “Go ahead and end your thought process if you haven’t created your semi-sphere. This mental exercise is not one that should be taken lightly.”
There was a light din as the class pulled themselves back into reality.  “Does everypony see the solution to Amethyst's problem? This is one of the reasons I don’t allow magic in my classroom. If you are forced to use your mind, you can more easily understand concepts in higher dimensions.”
“So what about dynamic shapes?” one of the stallions asked. “We’ve made a semicircle, but what if we wanted it to deform with respect to time?”
“Excellent question. Efficient dynamic shapes are one of the mysteries to modern magic. Obviously we can conjure them up, but the mental power it commands is too taxing for practical use. However, there is research being done in the field that will allow us to employ dynamic shapes . It’s still in the works, but the methods seem promising.” The Professor’s gaze drifted to the clock on the far wall. I was unaware of the schedule of the Union, but I gathered that class was over from the furrowing of the professor’s brow.
“Well,” he said with a sigh. “I suppose we can work on other topics another time. Have a good rest of the day!”
As the group of ponies rose from their seats and began to file from the room, I followed suit. I didn’t have much, but I gathered my belongings and rose from my desk. I didn’t know where to go, or what to do, all I knew was that I had just been given a glimpse into a world I had never imagined.
He must have noticed, he must have realized that I was lost, for whatever reason, Professor Evenstar stopped me.
“Starswirl,” he said as I reached out for the door.
“Yes, professor?”
“You know, I have never had an earth pony enter my class before. Why did you?”
“I— I guess I was just curious,” I said uneasily.
Evenstar nodded slowly before turning to his desk. “Don’t go, I have have something for you. You see, the world that we live in tries so hard to put us in our place, but there are a few select who decide to ignore that prejudice.” He picked up a small book from his desk and slipped it into my saddlebag. “This is a book detailing the beginning steps of creating a mental dimension. If you can do that, you are welcome in my class.”
I was shocked, the professor of an advanced magic class had just offered a seat to an earth pony. “But— But I’m not a unicorn,” I stammered as I fished the book out of my bag and began to give it back. “I don’t meet the requirements.”
He looked back to me, a fascination burning behind his eyes. “The only requirement for my class is curiosity.”
I stepped out of the room and into the hallway. That feeling of awe had been replaced by a notion that I was in my proper place. Instead of being ignored, uninformed, and unsure of that world behind the door, I had been invited into its realm. I was filled with a new hope about my life, one that transcended that simple thought that I may have some potential. Instead I was faced with the fact that my dreams were in my grasp.
That book in my bag signified more than just my ability to hope for the future, it was an opportunity to take part in it. Everything I had known to be true, everything I had told myself to believe about that place was wrong. The Union was a place of acceptance, maybe not from the students, maybe not from the other faculty, but from one professor. Evenstar had shown me the door to my wildest dreams and he had given me the key. With that book I was ready to take on a new life that would begin to change the way I thought of everything.
My applied chemistry class had long since ended at this point, and I was ready to return to my dorm. For some reason, that place that had once held painful memories of my failures, called me back. That comforting solace I could achieve behind those walls was the best place I had to replicate the serene atmosphere of the lecture hall. I quickly decided to begin my quest of building a mental dimension, and I was dead set on my decision.
As I turned toward the glass door at the end of the hall i was met with a feeling of power. I was about to do something that no other pony had ever dared to do. I was about to take on the entire status quo and break the boundaries that I had always assumed were invincible. I was about to change my life, and the instruction guide was in my bag. I trotted to the glass doors and confidently threw them apart. I was ready to accept my destiny, and the world was about to see who I really was to become.
The air was wet, indicative of the storm that the weather ponies had been predicting through the week. Inclement weather was a rarity at the elevation of the university, but the signs of a brewing storm were beginning to show. The leaves moved in undulating waves across the campus as the winds rolled in gusts through the corridors of the buildings. The undersides of the leaves could be seen on the trees as the storm began to draw the currents of air into itself.
The impending sense of power seemed to electrify the air. I fed off of the strength that was lurking just off of the horizon, just out of my sight. I knew it was there, I could feel it, but the thought of the unknown thrilled me even more. I was about to embark on a journey to find myself, and the atmosphere seemed to be impatiently standing at the starting gate. It was waiting for me to crack open that book and become the stallion I was meant to be.
As I strolled through the campus, my mind absorbing every facet of the hour, I began to think of the world that I was leaving behind. I was abandoning everything that my world had told me to do and what I should be. Everything I had known was about to be ripped from my life and replaced with concepts I had no knowledge of. I was flying blind, and I had no idea where to start.
Then, as my mind began to dread my decision, I spotted a building that stood in the middle of campus; the Library. My mind, as desperate as it was to return to the solace of my dorm, urged me to begin my journey in the unfamiliar yet peaceful realm of that building. I immediately turned to the library, my mind reveling in the fact that I had a starting location.
It wasn’t until I entered the library that I realized how loud the outside world had been. The solid rock walls of the building silenced the roaring wind to the sound of a quiet whisper. The room was was immense, its form split between the stroage of books and a place to read them. Signs hung from the ceiling, denoting the nearly infinite volume of information that was collected in the neat rows.
There was also an unspoken division, one that was fueled by the society that created the building. Half of the library held literature on the facets of farming, detailed analysis of the nutrients of the soil, and references of harvesting seasons for the most obscure of plants. The other held the latest information on the most recent advances in magical research, hundreds of volumes on the most obscure magical practices, and shelves on the laws surrounding each spell and it’s incantations.
As I had done before, I stepped through that imaginary boundary and entered the realm where no earth pony would tread. I found myself filling my bag with titles that I could not even understand. The Ethics of Levitation, A General Guide to Efficient Spells, Principles of Magical Solid Formation, Dynamic Mass Theory,  Hyperdimensions, The Magic of Chaos, it was overwhelming to me. I had only just been introduced to the subject, and I was tossing myself into the deep end. Nearly every book caught my attention, each title begging me to open and read of its secrets, but I forced myself to focus on my level.
As I combed through the titles as quickly as my curiosity would allow, I stumbled across a specific title; An Introduction to Magic. It’s cover was faded, but the book was still solid. I knew it wasn’t meant for me, for an earth pony to understand, but I had come this far, why would I deny myself this simple pleasure as well? I slid the book off of the shelf and sat myself in one of the chairs nearby.
I gently lifted the cover of the book, exposing its perfectly white pages. The decades of existence it had endured in the library were only evident on the cover, the inside still seemed new. I quickly realized that there was a reason for its preservation, the last time it had been checked out was nearly 16 years ago. I suppose most unicorns already know this information anyway, I thought, trying to keep myself optimistic as I turned the pages, I stopped at the dedication. It’s brevity caught me off guard, as its message gave me a sudden insight into the mind of the author. ‘To my parents,’ that was it. I flipped through the pages, curbing my raging curiosity long enough to realize that the information was much too advanced for my knowledge.
My confidence flinched for just a moment as I considered the realities of what my life was about to become. I was about to embark on an impossible journey, and the introduction was something I simply could not understand. Each page was half text, half equations of a nature I could not comprehend. As I pried further, I realized that the basics of magic were still well over my head. I was reaching so far into the unknown and I had nothing to help me go further.
The seeds of doubt that had been planted so long ago began to sprout once more, but I managed to crush them along with my pride. Somepony here must know how to read these equations, I thought as I leaned out into the aisle of the shelves. These are just the basics. Surely somepony would lend a hoof. Each table seemed to teem with intelligence, as unicorns of all sizes drifted between the rows of books. I rose from my seat and confidently strode toward the group. Despite my confident intentions, I still began to dread my actions. I began to worry about what they might say about me, what they might think about an earth pony confronting them about magic.
It was then I realized that I needed a reason. I couldn’t bring myself to ask that forbidden race about their secrets, not honestly anyway. So I devised a plan, in the few seconds I had left, to uncover their mysteries. I was going to write a paper.
“Excuse me,” I said as I reached the closest table. One of the four glanced at me and immediately returned to his work. The realization that I was a lesser form to them began to sink in once more. I was not of their kind, and I should not be socializing with them. Just like I shouldn't have been exploring the beginnings of magic. Just like I shouldn’t have just attended a class on the advanced theoretical magic that was taught only to that respected class. Just like I was not supposed to be in their half of the library, now however, I cared just a bit less.
“Excuse me,” I said, my voice carrying a pinch of authority with it. This time two of the unicorns looked up. They both stared with a confused expression on their face. They seemed stunned at the audacity of such a lesser. The silence was beginning to fill the room once more, and I could feel their attention slowly begin to slip back to their studies. “I have a few questions for a unicorn.”
“We’re busy,” one of them said without moving his gaze from his textbook.
“I am too,” I responded, keeping my tone stern. “It will only take a moment.”
The unicorns were silent, still keeping their gaze on their books. I needed a way to get their attention, and I quickly realized my opportunity. If there was one thing I could use to manipulate these unicorns, it was their pride.
“Alright then, I’m sure I can find another unicorn with at least some understanding of magic.”
The ears of the unicorn closest to me twitched. I had gotten underneath his skin, all that was left was to let that caustic pride take it’s course. “And what does an earth pony want to do with magic?”
“To write a research paper, just on the basics of course.”
“As if you could understand those,” one of the unicorns muttered as he lifted a book from his bag with his magic. “Magic is a unicorn concept, earth ponies can’t comprehend it. I would advise a reconsideration of your topic.”
I was at a loss for words, my confidence beginning to waver once more.
“That may be, but I’m still fascinated by it.”
“Congratulations,” the unicorn closest to me piped up, “what do you want? a medal? Being fascinated in a study doesn’t give you the right to study it. Now if you'll excuse us, we have a spell to develop.”
It took every fiber in my being to keep myself calm. “Alright then, since you don’t seem to be interested in explaining your secrets, I suppose I’ll learn them from this library instead.”
I could hear the group laughing as I trotted off toward the checkout counter. I knew they were mocking me, but for some reason, I didn’t care as much as I thought I would. They were simply students, and yet a professor had offered me a seat in the front of his theoretical magic class. Things were looking up, and I wasn’t about to let some snide comment ruin my day.
I placed the stack of books on the counter and slid my ID to the librarian. “When will these be due back to the library?”
The librarian looked at the books, and then back at me. “I can’t let you check these out,” she said as she lifted a book from the stack and floated it to my face. “These books are for unicorns only.” There, on the spine of Hyperdimensions was a small purple stamp. It was a unicorn’s silhouette.
“This is a public library, I just want to learn about magic.”
“Really? I’ve never heard an earth pony say that before.”
“Alright, what about this,” I said as I pulled An Introduction to Magic from the pile. “This book hasn’t been checked out in 16 years.”
She pursed her lips, as though the decision to let me rent a book was a serious struggle for her mind. She slipped the card from the sleeve and looked at the lone entry that had been made so long ago. Her gaze drifted from the entry to me and back to the entry once more. I didn’t dare say a word, as though I may somehow tip the scales in the wrong direction. Silence was my only hope.
“Alright,” she mumbled as she quickly stamped the date on the card. “What’s your name?”
“Starswirl,” I said.
She signed the card, stowed it, and slid the book to me. “It’s due back in a week, but if somepony comes looking for it, I will need it back immediately. Unicorns get first preference as they should.”
I flinched as I tried to smile. “Thank you.” I walked toward the door, my spirit half crushed by the thought that I had come in with such ambition and left with only a single book. I placed that minor victory in my saddlebag and paused. It struck the other book that Professor Evenstar had so willingly given to me just minutes ago. I wasn’t about to give up because of some prejudice. The reality I knew was about to change, whether the world wanted it to or not. I was pushing boundaries, and they were starting to push back. I placed my hoof on the door and confidently strode out into the brewing storm.
As the wet air of the evening rushed through my mane, the power I felt grew stronger. The world was turning fierce, and a storm was beginning to creep over the horizon. The winds on that university so high in the sky were always quite powerful, but today they were unrelenting. Trees, bushes, even other ponies seemed to bow in its force and display of power. Waves of leaves rippled across the ground as surges of wind pushed them across the courtyard. The entire world seemed to be terrified of the incoming siege of water and wind. I knew that I was at its mercy, but I also knew that the world could not stop me from my quest. I drew power from the swirling clouds above me, from the boiling cauldron in the sky. I was about to take on one of the greatest challenges of my life, and I wasn’t about to let a simple storm stand in my way.
The power that raged over my head made my mind scream to run faster, but my defiance told me to walk. While the rest of the world seemed to bow to the storm’s wishes, I was fueled by the fact that I could stand against it. It seemed as though the entire impending storm knew of my intentions, of my willful disobedience to cower at it’s form, and it began to make it’s move. A bolt of lightning struck off in the distance, a warning shot from the gods. It did not appreciate my rebellion, but I kept my pace. It was the one final act of defiance that would prove to be one of the most important in my life. I was defying everything that I had known in my search for myself.
As I stepped back into the darkness of my dorm and closed the door, I was met with the familiar feeling of peace. The only noise that filled the room was the slight click of the rain at the window and the intermittent thunder that rolled in the distance. It was time for my life to take a new turn.
I stowed my saddlebag in the corner and quickly withdrew those two books. I had no idea what lay behind those covers, and my mind was beginning to imagine the unimaginable once more. I lit the small lantern in the corner of my room and sat myself down at the desk. The warm light that filled the room was overtaken every minute or so by the brilliantly blue lightning that flickered just outside of the window. The storm was gaining its strength.
It powered me, that raging tempest outside, to begin my journey into the unknown. I stared at the two books on the surface of my dimly lit desk. I had to strain to make out the titles, but the dim light was a small price to pay for the solace of the room. That was the time I finally took note of the title of the book that Evenstar had given me. Tabula Rasa was written across its navy surface in golden script. It seemed to be of a world unlike my own, where even the most basic items were held in high regard. An Introduction to Magic, however, was a simple hardback book. It’s covers were still glossy after years of protection from the light and air of the library, but it’s spine bore the marks of its age. It was faded and peeling, but still unmistakably clean.
I turned both books over, my curiosity begging me to examine their every facet. Tabula Rasa had nothing on its back. All of its secrets were to be discovered in those pages between those two empty covers. An Introduction to Magic was half filled with text. Immediately my eyes drifted over the first few lines, my mind greedily taking in every word.
This book gives an introduction to magical theory aimed at first and second year unicorns. The aim is to give a brief overview of the complex topic of magic.
My heart began to race I as quickly opened to the first page and hungrily took in every sentence.
This book was formed using notes from junior and senior magic graduate students. It is meant to give a clear and concise explanation for the basic magical practices and their underlying connections. Magic has long been a key part of unicorn society, and the intensive study of such an pervasive subject has propelled the world into new era of understanding. Great minds such as Ignus, Crystal, Cantamen and countless others have paved the way for modern spellcasting.
As I pressed on, my mind began to drift away from the works that I so desperately craved. My imagination, that piece of myself that I could never quite control, was beginning to tear my mind from its one true desire. I wanted to learn, to understand the concepts behind that barrier of society, but my mind began to pull itself away from my studies. A loud crack of thunder rolled through the campus, pulling my mind back to the two small books that lay before me. The storm that was settling on the university seemed to force me back into the words.
“Tabula Rasa,” I whispered as I cracked the navy cover open. It’s pages were well worn and wrinkled from what appeared to be centuries of abuse. The words, however, were unmistakable.
Mental Dimensions. The tabula rasa of the magical world.
I turned to the preface, expecting to see a similar introduction, but I was quite wrong.
This content of this book is one of the best kept secrets of the world. This book explains, in no uncertain words, how to establish a multi-dimensional mental world in which one can perform magic. This will not explore the incantations used in those realms, but rather, it will provide a foundation for the secret art of mental magic.
I quickly turned to the table of contents, but instead of detailed explanations on the chapters, only the first 3 counting numbers stood. It was curious how those three numbers seemed to stand as keepers of the secrets, but I was focused on unlocking them.
“Alright,” I whispered as I turned the page to the first chapter and let my gaze drift across its wrinkled surface. “What are you hiding?”
Before we discuss the methods on employing mental magic, creating a dimension, or even preparing your mind, you need to have one specific attribute, curiosity. You cannot hope to create a mental dimension without wondering about the deepest workings of the dimension itself.
“I’ve got enough of that,” I muttered as I read further.
To begin, you must ensure that the world around you is at peace. A dark room or a library is an ideal location. Ensure that there are as few external stimuli as well as internal annoyances as possible. Anything that may be a distraction must be removed from your environment. Creating a dimension requires all of your attention and hours of uninterrupted meditation.
I looked around my room. There was a clock on the wall, and it’s small second hand clicked with every motion. “We can’t have that,” I muttered as I rose from my desk and stopped the swaying pendulum. Seemingly out of defiance, a brilliant flash of lightning lit up my dorm. Immediately a crash of thunder rattled the window.
“I suppose you will have to stay,” I said to the raging storm as I trotted back to my seat. It wasn’t much of a bother, dealing with that clicking rain, I rather enjoyed it. I turned my attention back to the book.
Once your area is quiet, you need to clear your mind’s eye and your thoughts of any distractions.
There are two parts to mental magic, what you see, and why you see it. It is more than just imagining, it is fueling your imagination with reason. You can know where a ball will land, but you don’t consciously know the ball’s speed. In the same way, you can visualise yourself levitating an object, but that does not take into account the spells behind that action. You need to understand that this world is affected by things beyond our eyes, things that we can grasp if we allow ourselves to look beyond our sight.
Now that your mind is clear, it is time to begin building a dimension.
By now, I was focused. I was ready to take on the challenge.
Start by imagining a small point in space.
I closed my eyes and let the darkness swallow me. I simply peered around my enviroment for quite some time, ensuring that the void was perfectly empty. There wasn’t going to be a single error, and I was going to make sure of it. Once I had ensured that my world was completely empty, I placed a small point in it’s center. That tiny white dot was the visualization of my first dimension. A chill raced down my spine as I stared at its unwavering form. It was my first dimension, one of many that I would create throughout my life.
A strong blast of thunder echoed through the campus and tore me from my dimension. The book that lay on the surface of the table caught my gaze once more, my eyes eager to continue the process of creating my mental realm.
Now that you can see the point, you have to give reason for its existence. It needs attributes, things that define what it is and how it operates. This point, however, also has significance, for it is the zero point. This is your reference for the construction of your mental grid.
The point itself can be defined as inconsequential otherwise. It will not interfere with your interactions, and it does not alter its state if other mental points pass through it. You need to believe that this point is the center of the knowable universe.
Begin by making a line, equally long on either side of the point.
I closed my eyes once more, this time focusing on the attributes of that tiny speck. I let my mind define that point as the center of a small line. I could see the world that I was creating come to life, but instead of being awestruck, I was powerless to move that point. I knew that I had placed it there, but now that the line had been defined around it, I could not move it. This worried me so I opened my eyes once more and peered at the page that was before my face.
If you cannot move the zero point, you have successfully created your first mental dimension. With this, you have taken the first steps toward the creation of a workable mental realm.
I was amazed, I closed my eyes once more, my curiosity driving me to experience the world that I had just created. It was nothing special, but the knowledge that I had created a world beyond my own was fueling my curiosity even more.
After what felt like a few moments, I opened my eyes and looked back to that book. I had just created a world inside of my own mind, and I was able, beyond a shadow of a doubt, to manipulate it within its own constraints. It was as real to me, as the world outside.
Another flash of lightning lit up the room quickly followed by a crisp roll of thunder. I could feel the power of the storm as it rattled my window. I turned the page once more, eagerly awaiting the next steps in the creation of my dimension, but all that greeted me was a small ‘2’ in the middle of the next page.
The first dimension, while the most important, is the easiest to understand and construct. The second dimension is much more difficult.
I spent hours perfecting the creation of my mental worlds that night. As the storm raged on, my mind plowed through all of the complications and possibilities of my life. I was about to create an unimaginably perfect world with nothing more than my mind and a book.
It took quite a while to construct that second dimension, but it came quickly enough. I had always imagined things, and this was simply putting rhyme and reason to those images. It felt so natural, defining things to see them in a new light, but I was still amazed at it’s complexity. It was as though I was built for this specific purpose, for creating worlds inside my mind.
As the sun broke through the clouds that morning, and those long tendrils of light stretched across my desk, I realized how long I had been at work. I had started before sunset, and I had torn through Tabula Rasa through the night. The dimensions started out simple enough to create, but as the second took form, I realized I had an uphill battle toward greatness. The concentration that each successive dimension required was an order of magnitude greater than the first. The first dimension had taken me only seconds to create in my mind, and about a minute to define. The second, however, took nearly an hour to finally construct and establish. The going was rough, but the end result was a surprisingly solid mental realm where I could roam. 
The light from the sun made the pages of the old book glow, that one number seemingly coming off of the page, begging to be explored. I took a deep breath, bracing myself for the chaos that would be the third dimension. My eyes began to read.
The creation of the third dimension is the most difficult task in this book. It took years to develop the concepts behind the third dimension, and the definitions that hold it together. Do not be alarmed when you are forced to destroy your realm and recreate it from scratch several times, it is only normal for this kind of work.
I swallowed the knot that had risen in my throat. I knew my classes would start soon, but I had stopped my clock to ensure complete peace in the room. I could only pray that I wouldn’t be late for class. I knew I should have pulled myself from that book, but something kept drawing me back, it was my curiosity. It begged me to pry further, to understand those hidden secrets that lay beneath the words. I couldn’t help but read on.
You need to imagine one more reference point, this one floating a distance of one unit off of the plane you have established. this will take some work, as you mind is still bound to that idea of 2 dimensional space. You need to break free of that cage and allow that point to rise above the surface. To do that, every point you have created thus far will need to be defined as part of the zero point plain of the third dimension. This will take the most time, but it is essential to the inner workings of the third dimension.
I closed my eyes and began to rebuild that 2nd dimensional grid. I was ready to create a new point out of the boundaries that I had previously fabricated. I was forcing myself to move a reference from its current location out into the unknown, past an infinite set of planes to establish one as the unit. I could feel my eyelids squeezing harder as I began to create that third reference point.
It took at least a dozen tries for my mind to finally be willing to release that point from the plane. It had been conditioned, over hours of development, to retain all points to that plane. It was easy for my mind to understand, and the book encouraged it, but it was time for my mind to mature, for that point to break the pseudo boundaries that had been established a few hours ago. The sun was high in the sky by the time I had established that third dimension. I knew I had missed most of my classes for that day, but for some reason I did not care. I had just done something that only unicorns were supposed to be able to do. I broken through the boundaries of the world and established myself in theirs. I had done the impossible.
To celebrate my achievement, I started plotting small points all over my mental world. Each one became easier and easier to create, and I realized that, as I slowly spun this starry scene, there was an immense sense of satisfaction in my soul. In one moment, as I watched a set of points slowly swirl around in my mind, I knew it was my calling.
I never believed that something I had done so naturally for so long would end up becoming my own special talent. I had expected a cutie mark in something like farming or the agriculture sciences, but instead I was given a mark of several stars in a swirl. I had unlocked the door to my destiny, but what lay ahead was not a road of ease.





“Professor Evenstar?” I asked confidently as I strode into his classroom. The rest of the class seemed much less shocked than before at the presence of an earth pony in their midst.
“Ah, Starswirl, how nice of you to join us. Did you complete your assignment?”
My confidence drove me to match his gaze with my own. “I did,”
“Excellent, Starswirl. Since you have kept your promise, I will keep mine.” He turned to the rest of the class and cleared his throat. “Unicorns, I would like you to meet the newest addition to the class. It is rather unorthodox for an earth pony to join the ranks of a magic class, but Starswirl here has proven that he has a great deal of potential in our field.” He pushed me forward, as though he was telling me to go forth and join them, so I did. I quickly found my seat at the front of the class as he continued his speech. “A few days ago, Starswirl only had one thing going for him: Curiosity. As you have heard me say many times before, Curiosity is the only requirement for this class. Not a horn atop your head, or a long list of classes supporting this one, no all you need is to ask why. I believe Starswirl here will prove that point in the best way possible. I expect the utmost respect from all of you toward him, I know the Union can seem quite exclusive at some times, but leave that prejudice at the door. This is a class on theory, not on elitism. For all intents and purposes, he is one of you.”
I was speechless, this professor had just set me on the same bar that I had wanted to achieve for so long. I was ready and eager to learn alongside my new classmates in the lecture hall of Evenstar, the University’s top scholar on theoretical magic.
“I would like you all to begin by venturing into your world. Wait…” He paused as his gaze drifted to my desk. “Before we begin, I need to know the sound of your tap.”
“My what, sir?”
“Ah, no need for formality, we are all equals here. I need to know the sound your hoof makes when you tap the desk.”
“Oh, sure.” I brought my hoof down onto the desk, tapping it with a prestigious amount of force. Not too little, nor too much.
“Yes, yes, continue,” Evenstar murmured as he closed his eyes. “I need to be able to recognize you by the taps of your desks. Each one has a different resonance, and this will allow me to tell who you are, even while in my world. You may stop tapping, and we shall begin!”
He raced to the front of the room and quickly began to write on the board. “Today, I would like to start with a question directed to the class.” He spun on his hooves and tossed the chalk to the tray of the board. “What have you done recently in your worlds?” He eyed the class with a grin.
“I finally created that force field spell,” Amethyst said. “It took a while, but I got it to work quite well.”
“Spectacular! Would you care to share it with us?”
“Sure,” she said as she rose from her seat and trotted to the front of the room. She turned to face the class, and that was when I finally took notice of her. She was striking to say the least. Her purple coat seemed to mesh beautifully with her mane and tail, but her real spectacular feature was her eyes. For some reason they drew me in, but I quickly pulled myself out of my trance as she began to speak.
“Hello everypony, I think most of you will be interested in my latest incantation. I use this one as a simple protection bubble. In no particular order, it uses a point defined mass field, two point projected spheres, and a hyperdimensionally cut solid. To begin, I casted a small point at the ground level of my object, in this case I used a teacup to spare my gerbils from more psychological torture.”
The class chuckled at her joke, but I did not. I was too enraptured in her speech. The topics she was discussing had been resolved in the class I had attended only days before.
“From there I placed a point defined mass field around it in every direction to enable the space to accept a solid. Once that field was more or less defined, I moved into the projection of the spheres. I started with the establishment of a net zero field because I didn’t want my solid sphere to end up destroying all matter in its radius. Then I projected a solid base sphere a hair larger than the net zero sphere. This method created a shell around my object, but I was hard pressed to create a shell that would not damage the surface on which the cup rested. Then, two days ago, Professor Evenstar gave me a clear directive on how to cut that piece from my sphere using a hyperdimensionally cut solid.”
“One of the interesting things about my project was the resilience of that sphere. I initially thought that it wouldn’t stand up against much of anything, but I discovered that it could hold about 4 of my textbooks on top of it before shattering. Interestingly, this sphere will shatter in a manner similar to glass, but once any piece hits that net zero sphere, it immediately disappears. It looks like the shards simply slip away into oblivion.”
“I would give a demonstration,” she said as she looked toward Evenstar, “but, since our professor has a strict no magic rule, I cannot.”
“Right you are, Amethyst!” Evenstar said from from the wall on which he leaned. “Demonstrations are always welcome,  outside of class.” His voice was rather eccentric, as though the class had already come to accept his crippling rules and they were simply a joke now. He thanked Amethyst and turned back toward the class. Before he even opened his mouth I knew what he was going to say. “Starswirl?” he asked. “I know you’ve only just started creating your world, but would you like to share?”
“I… I don’t think I…”
“I was under the impression that you created a mental dimension.” He let his gaze drift to me. “Did you not?”
“Oh… no… I mean yes, yes I did.”
“Alright then,” he said as he trotted to my desk and tapped his hoof on its surface. He expected me to come before a class of highly trained unicorns to explain how I ventured into the first dimensions of mental magic. “Please explain.” His hoof drifted to the front stage of the class.
“I really don’t think that the class would be interested in my dimensions,” I protested, trying to keep myself away from that stage. “I mean they’re just basic little things, hardly noteworthy.”
“Hardly noteworthy,” he pondered as he rubbed his chin. “The creation of a mental dimension is never hardly noteworthy”
I rose to my hooves, unsure of how I could possibly disappoint my professor. I reached the front of the class and immediately began to speak.
“Uhh… Hey. I’m Starswirl… I’m new here,” I tried to make the best impression I could, but I could feel the judgement of the other race that stared at me. I didn’t belong, and the only stallion who didn’t recognize that was Evenstar. He stood in his familiar place against the wall, enraptured in my stumbling speech.
“I was admitted into this class after I successfully created a world in my mind after our Professor challenged me to. I… I really don't know what to say. You  have probably already created a world a hundred times over, but Evenstar wants me to share my own…” my voice trailed off as my gaze drifted to the professor. His eyes were encouraging, as if he knew something was grand about me. Go on now, they seemed to say beneath his greying mane, Tell them of your world.
“So I was given a book called Tabula Rasa. I’m sure you know of it, but Evenstar gave me a copy. It told me how to make my world… I really don’t know what to say.”
“How did you make it,” Evenstar said with a ghostly whisper.
“Well… I started with a point, and then extended some lines from it.”
“More detail, Starswirl. How did you create a world.”
I steeled myself and began to recall all of the information I had learned from that that book. I closed my eyes, keeping the distractions of the class from my mind. “I started with a  point…” I whispered as I began to enter my world. “It’s called the zero point… It stays in the middle of the universe no matter what. I had to define that point, as the middle for it to be the middle. It has two pieces to make it, one visual, one theoretical.” I let my eyes open, the entire class was completely focused on me.
“Excellent, Starswirl,” Evenstar said as he stepped toward me. “You see class, all you need is a dash of curiosity.” He looked to me and smiled. It was one of those smiles that spoke more than words ever could. “You may take your seat.”
“But…”
“Yes?”
“That was only one dimension.”
“That’s quite alright, there is plenty of time in the future to build more.”
“But I…”
“You have done well.”
“I wasn’t finished.”
My comment caught him off guard. “Oh?”
“Yeah… you see… I didn’t just create one dimension… I created three.”
“Oh! Well then by all means, please!” Evenstar said as he quickly shuffled back to the wall.
I turned to the classroom and cleared my throat. They seemed just a little less daunting now that I had proven myself worthy, but I would come to realize that they hadn’t been daunting to begin with. “So I continued on and extended a line from my point and defined it as the zero line for my second dimension. From there, an infinite set of lines was extended from its surface, and I was left with a plane. Much like before, I had defined an immovable plane in space.”
“Then came the third dimension, the most difficult of them all. I was forced to bring another reference point out of the plane that I had forced myself to adhere to. It finally broke free of the plane after half of my other classes had already passed. I had rebuilt my world approximately seventeen times before I successfully separated that point into the third dimension.” I looked to Evenstar, in my speech I had said much more than I had thought, his expression told me that quite directly. I had made an impression. One that I knew would become invaluable. “I guess that’s it.”
“Thank you, Starswirl,” Evenstar said as he stepped toward me. “I’m impressed. Typically it takes several days to build a half stable third dimension, but that number accounts for the breaks taken in between worldbuilding episodes. Did you honestly spend all of that time constructing dimensions?”
It seemed as though Evenstar was asking the question that every other pony wanted answered. “Not all of it. I took a few minutes to clear my room of distractions before I started.”
“Incredible,” Evenstar chuckled in a whisper. “Well, I believe you have proven your aptitude in theoretical magic as well as earned your seat in my class quite spectacularly.”
> IV. The Office
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I sat and watched as the rest of the class added their own ideas and interjections. None seemed to mind my presence, and I felt at home. It was a place where I could care just a little bit less about who I was and focus on what I could become. I felt as though I was taking the first steps into a brave new world.
“Starswirl,” Evenstar said as I rose from my seat at the end of class. “May I have a word with you?”
“Sure.” He wrapped his foreleg around me and pulled me out of the stream of unicorns that were leaving the room.
“I wanted to ask you about something.”
“What is it?”
“It’s your cutie mark, Starswirl. I’m not the most observant pony, but I don’t recall seeing it the last time we met.”
“Cutie mark?”
“Yes, it’s a swirl of stars. Would you mind telling me how to received it.”
“Yeah,” I said as I looked toward my flank. It was the first time I gave myself a moment to take a good look at it. It was just as Evenstar had described, a swirling pattern of stars. “I think I got this when I started placing points in my world,” I said as I looked to Evenstar. He seemed perplexed.
“Placing points?”
“Yeah, nothing big, I just started plotting small points all around space until I got quite the cluster. After that I kinda stood back and just watched my creation swirl around.” I looked back to my flank. “I guess that explains the swirl.”
“Fascinating,” he whispered. “I suppose you have a big decision ahead of you.”
“How so?”
He pondered for a moment before turning to the door and motioning for me follow him. “Come with me to my office, I’ll explain there.”
As we started into the hallway, he spoke up once more. “So how did you happen to enter The Union? Not many earth ponies are allowed into this place.”
“Oh, I was just using it as an easy route to get to my Applied Chemistry class.”
“I see,” he said as we stepped outside into the autumn air. The water on the ground was the only remainder of that storm that had passed a few days before. “And when is your Advanced Chemistry class?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “The same time as your magic class,” I muttered sheepishly. I didn’t want to upset him, but lying would have only delayed the inevitable.
“So you are attending my class during the same time slot of one of your other classes?”
“Well… yes.”
He stopped and placed a hoof on my shoulder. “Does your teacher approve of you absence?”
“Well… I haven’t talked to him about it.”
Evenstar took his hoof off of my shoulder and rubbed his chin. I knew he was upset to a degree, but he also seemed to be on my side. “If you have a class in the same timeslot as my own, I would prefer that you go to that instead. School comes first.”
“You’re right,” I said as he started to walk once more. Disappointing evenstar was one of the last things I wanted to. “But it’s only been two classes. It isn’t like I’ve missed anything important. I didn’t plan for any of this to happen, it just kinda… did.”
“I understand, logistics can be difficult, but you should be attending your chemistry class. After all, your major is in cereal production, not magic.”
For the rest of the journey though the campus, I was silent. It wasn’t my major, no my major was one that lay in the agricultural sciences, well within the bounds of earth ponies, and well within the scope of greatness I could achieve. I wanted to break free so badly, but I simply couldn’t. I realized in that instant that I was trapped, once again, by society's grasp on my life.
“Most of the professors who teach in The Union have their offices there, but I opted for a different location,” Evenstar said as we stepped into the massive library on campus. “It took a lot of fighting against the will of the professors to allow me to take an office inside the library, but once I explained to them why I chose to do so, they readily agreed with me.”
I had no idea what to expect as he pushed his key into the lock and turned it to the side. I began, in those few brief moments, to let my imagination wander. I thought of massive shelves, the smell of old books and a cluttered desk on which he would work. Instead, however, as he opened his door, I was met with a quite unexpected scene. Instead of the clutter of ideas and the chaos of hard work, there was nothing.
The first feature that caught my eye was the unassuming chair that stood facing the massive bay windows on the other side of the room. I looked through them to the world outside. A white expanse of cloud stretched as far as the eye could see, creating an ocean of white atop a world unknown. It seemed as though the world was calling out to be explored, to be known.
Beside his chair stood a small podium with a quill, ink, and an aging book on its surface. It was opened to the middle, and the lines of text stopped halfway through the page. The rest of the room was bare.
“This is your office?”
“Indeed,” Evenstar said as he stepped over to the podium and closed the book. “This is where the magic happens. This is my quiet place. It is free of distraction and forces my mind into a state of meditation every time I enter. It is a place of solace for my more advanced theories.” He took a seat on the floor and gestured for me to take the chair. “Have a seat.”
I sat myself down onto that seat and, let my gaze drift through the window. I could see why he used this room to venture into his mental realms. From the chair, the bay windows filled your vision. You felt as if you were flying through the clouds as they passed around the mountain. It was a place where your mind could let go and explore the unimaginable.
“Do you like it?”
I nodded, mouth agape at the scene before me. The only thing my mind could muster was simply whispering, “Wow…”
I could feel Evenstar smiling as he looked out over the vast expanse of clouds with me. Everything was serene. The clouds seemed to drift through the sky and he and I floated above them.
“I coudn’t imagine being a pegaus,” he whispered. “Being able to fly to such heights and escape the earth on a whim.”
“Yeah…”
I don’t know how long we sat there, admiring the view from his office, but every second seemed to linger for just a bit longer. It was as though time was an afterthought of the imagination, something that could be disregarded like a fly in the room. Evenstar was the one to finally break that silence.
“Starswirl?”
“Hmm?”
“I would like to ask you a few questions,” he said as he rose from the floor and walked into my view of the sky.
“Okay.”
“Why did you attend University?”
“Because I need to get a degree.”
“You need to get a degree?”
“Well if I want a chance in life, then yes, I do.”
Evenstar turned to a sea of clouds. “You don’t need a degree for a chance in life. In fact, the only thing you need is curiosity. With that being said, let me ask you agin, why are you here?”
“I… I want to learn.”
“Learn what?”
“I wanted to learn about cereal production.”
Evenstar closed his eyes and smiled. “Cereal production majors are a dime a dozen at this school. They promise a life of ease in a field that will never disappear.” He faced me once more. “Did you honestly choose your degree because you wanted to learn about cereal production? Or were you focused on your future.”
A flash of anger sparked in my soul as he insinuated that I was simply part of a herd searching for security, but I couldn’t let myself flare at him. I swallowed that prideful vengeance and responded, “I wanted to learn about cereal production…” I let my gaze drift out over the horizon. “But I’m not so sure anymore.”
“It’s natural to doubt yourself when times get rough, Starswirl. That doubt, that questioning of your purpose, its healthy.”
“Is this why you asked me to come here? To find out if I’m doubting myself?” I asked as I watched Evenstar trot to the door.
“Not quite. I came to ask about your cutie mark. You said you got it after creating a world in which you could perform magic.”
“Yes.”
“So your special talent may not lie in the agricultral sciences after all.”
I bit my lip. He had a point, and I was beginning to see the futility of my declared degree. I was beginning to trap myself in a world that I had no business being in. We sat there in silence for several minutes as I mulled the idea over in my head. Maybe I’m not supposed to take part in the agricultural sciences. Maybe I’m supposed to be focusing my efforts on magic. As I let these idas swilr around in my mind, I let my mind drift to my other classes I had chosen as part of my major. Finance was easy enough, as was history, but my grades in applied chemistry and agriculture were slipping. I was beginning to show my true aptitude, and it had nothing to do with where I thought I was heading.
All of my life I had beleived that I was destined to work in agriculture, to pursue the life that the world told me to have, but I was quickly realizing that the world may have gotten it wrong. I was sitting in the chair of a professor of magic, and it was beginning to feel like a life I could take on. The theory made sense, the basics were natural, and my life was headed in a direction that I was extremely excited for. The world had always told me to pursue a life in the ground, tilling the land and making it bring forth fruit, but I could only let my mind drift into the clouds. I wasn’t meant to tend the land as that magnanimous professor had said so many weeks ago, I was meant to be more than that.
“Starswirl?” Evenstar asked, breaking me free of my revelations. “I must depart. You need to discuss your absences with your applied chemistry teacher. I would a hate for you to miss a required class because of my own.”
“I will,” I said as I rose from my seat and quickly trotted out of the door and into the relatively noisy library. “I’m sure he will understand.”
“Well if he does not, feel free to come to my office here whenever you like.”
“Thank you.”
As I walked off toward the entrance, I was met with a nagging thought that started to eat away at my mind. What are you going to do? I had been faced with a decision, and I was going to have to make it quickly. I could either attend Evenstar’s class, or join him in the library.
I wanted everything to work out, for my life to fit together perfectly like a grand puzzle, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to do so. I had to choose between my major, or my passion. Each one pulled me one way or the other, and my life hinged on the choice. I had two days to decide my own fate.
> V. Second Attempts
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Alright, Starswirl, I thought as I stepped out of the library and into the autumn breeze, What are you going to do? You have class in two days, that should be ample time to make your decision. My walk turned to a trot as the stress of the decision bore down on my mind. My thoughts swirled faster as I tried to make sense of the world that my mind was forcing itself into. I was finally realizing that my destiny did not lie in what society had told me to become. With every step I took I began to realize that I was more than just what society wanted me to be. I was to become something great, and that thought filled me with supreme hope and dread.
I had been given a supreme directive from the hive that I was to be as the rest. I was to do my schoolwork, cultivate the land, and die knowing that I fed ponies. Everypony around me said that I was follow the trail that had been set for me in the ruts of society, but I was beginning to doubt that age old saying. I was ready to rise above the rest and to conquer the world in a way that that would fulfil me. That path, however, was untested and dangerous. I knew of the dangers that my actions would pose, and I was as afraid of them as I was eager to confront each one.
As these thoughts grew in my mind, I let my body run by itself through the school. My thoughts were abruptly ended as a new. I hadn’t entered that populated area since day one, and I was hesitant about repeating the incident. So many bad memories were wrapped up in that place that I had not ventured back. I was weary as I began to question that decision to stay away from the center. Things are different now, I told myself as I let my legs bring me to the front doors of the center. I was ready to face that giant that once again stood in my path. You can do this.
As I stepped into the center, I realized that I still knew no one. There was not a single pony in sight that I really knew, and I was unable to find anypony that was as alone as I. For several awkward minutes, I strolled around the center, trying to find somepony who deemed me worthy to talk to. I saw a few ponies, several of which were disconnected from the rest, and I avoided them just the same but for another reason. For some reason I was completely fine with keeping myself away from those ponies. I hadn’t integrated before, and now it seemed all but impossible.
I didn’t want to be ‘that stallion,’ the one who who tried to socialize after the social boundaries had been established. I wanted to be part of that friendship I saw every day around me. Somehow, they seemed to all be equal, and I felt that I had earned a place in their ranks. However, I couldn’t bring myself to join them.
I watched from the sidelines I had been so accustomed to only to find that my place was still here. Despite my desire, I felt an urge to keep myself away from them. I have no idea why I did this, but the thoughts that swirled around my head were so confused and so terrified that I could not bring myself to simply walk up and join them in their discussion. I believed that I couldn’t be a part of them, and that feeling brought me to a place where I felt excluded once more. I continued to watch from the sidelines, to live my life alone and equal.
I turned to the door once more, defeated in my thoughts that I could possibly be part of that group. As I strode out of the student center, I realized that I had been looking in the section dominated by earth ponies. The division was sharp, but it seemed to be blurred ever so slightly. It wasn’t like the union, or the library, the ponies seemed a little less segregated than before.
“Hey!” a feminine voice said from behind me.
I didn’t turn around, assuming the mare mean to call somepony else from the crowd instead of myself.
“Hey you!” she called out once more.
The urge to turn my head grew stronger, my mind desiring somepony to actually talk to me. Just ignore it, I thought as I placed my hoof on the door.
“What’s his name… Starswirl!”
I froze, the half open door letting a few stray leaves spill into the building. I was shocked that a pony would actually be calling my name. Naturally I turned to face the pony calling out to me. It was Amethyst, the mare from my advanced theoretical magic class.
“Hey,” I muttered halfheartedly as I leaned into the door more., “I was just on my way out.”
“Oh?” Her voice almost seemed disappointed at my impending departure.
“Yeah… I have a few things to take care of.”
“Alright, but if you want, you can spend some time with us,” she offered as she pointed to the group of unicorns that sat around one of the tables in the massive lobby. I didn’t recognize it at the time, but each one of them was in that same advanced theoretical magic class.
“No thanks.” I inwardly cringed at my response. I knew I was coming across as an asshole, but I could do nothing to stop myself.
“I totally understand,” she said with a genuine smile, “have a good day!”
As she trotted back toward that small group of unicorns my mind fought itself once more. I needed to make a decision about who I was to become, but I also been given the opportunity to join a group of that class that I had always strived for. I slowly pushed the door open and stepped outside into the evening. It wasn’t much colder outside, but a chill raced down my spine. I looked back through the glass door to see Amythest rejoining the group.
She seemed almost downtrodden at my refusal. She sat herself onto one of the chairs and gestured toward me, directing the gaze of the others to where I stood beyond the glass. They all looked just as disappointed as Amethyst. I knew I had things to do, I had big decisions to make and lots of thinking along the way. A few minutes wouldn’t hurt. I surrendered to myself as I entered the student center once more.
An energy seemed to flow through my body as I trotted toward the group. I had finally been given that chance to participate in the group that I had sought after for so long. It was finally a chance for me to become what I had always wanted to be.
As I reached the group and the first unicorn noticed me, my confidence drove me to speak. “Hey,” I said as casually as my racing adrenaline would allow.
“Afternoon,” one cheerfully responded as he slid to make room on the couch. “Glad you could join us.”
“Yeah,” I whispered as I looked around at the smiling faces. It was the first time in months that I had felt truly accepted by a group. They wanted me there and I was going to stay. I was part of their group.
I hadn’t realized the silence until Amethyst finally broke it. “So…” she said, lingering on the vowel.
“Hmm?”
“Well… We were just wondering…”
Another stallion spoke up. “We were just wondering why you showed up to our class? You are an earth pony after all.”
The mention of my race startled me a bit, but I brushed it aside as the rest of the group scowled at him.
Amethyst spoke up once more. “What Quartz means to say is that… well… why did you come to our class?”
“Well…” I started as I tried to summarize my own journey of self discovery. “I just wanted to know what Professor Evenstar meant by ‘While earth ponies can hypothesize on theoretical magic.’”
“So you weren’t trying to… you know…” She bit her lip. It slowly became obvious that the entire group was waiting for her to ask the one question they had all wondered.
“Trying to what?” I asked, trying to break the silence that descended onto the group.
“Well… There was an incident a while back,” Quartz started. “Where another earth pony tried to attend our class.”
“Really? Evenstar indicated I was the first one.”
Quartz spoke up once more, his voice grave.“Well, that is incorrect. A few years ago there was another earth pony who is rumored to have attended Evenstar’s advanced theoretical magic class. He seemed to have potential, but he also had an ulterior motive.”
“Ulterior motive?”
“He had another underlying desire. He didn’t just want to learn magic,” Quartz offered.
“Oh, I understand what ulterior means.”
“O—Oh, sorry…” he said as his cheeks grew red.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but looking back on that remark I discovered that he was struggling to battle the racism that had been taught to him all of his life. I think every one of those ponies was somehow fighting their own thoughts inside their mind, trying to keep the hateful thoughts at bay. Luckily, I was blissfully unaware of their prejudices.
“Either way,” he continued, “the stallion ended up being kicked out of the class by order of the Union.”
“Why?”
“Well, the Union said one thing, but the students saw another. Aparently, the earth pony was continually deriding his own race.”
“Well that wouldn’t be an issue today…”
I could sense the rest of them growing uncomfortable. It was difficult enough for them to invite me into their circle, but now I was confirming the one thing they were trying so desperately to avoid.
“We just wanted to warn you,” Amethyst said, her gaze focused on the ground. “Don’t cross Evenstar. Don’t get us wrong, we absolutely love him, but we think he used his position in the council to get the student ejected.”
“Well who was this student?”
“He was the son of Professor Oaks, the finance teacher.” A heavy silence descended onto the group.
The mention of my finance professor pulled my mind back to the time when I had followed him to the cafeteria. “You know,” I started as I recalled that painful first day. “I ate in the cafeteria with him on the first day of school. We were talking about…” I bit my lip.
“About what?”
I realized that the topic we had been discussing was one that the ponies around me were trying to avoid. I didn’t want to say it, I didn’t want to alienate myself from this group, but I couldn’t stop my tongue. “He has a sore spot for your kind” Immediately I regretted my words. I could feel the uneasiness rise even higher. They were fighting themselves in order to hold a conversation with an earth pony, and I had introduced that very notion that they were above me.
After several long seconds, Amethyst broke the silence. “I think we are all pretty uncomfortable with that subject.” She looked at me with a caring plea of silence. “Maybe we should save that topic for another time.”
“O— Oh, okay. Yeah, sure.” I felt as though I had been hit in the face with a bag of bricks. I wanted so bad to be included in their group, but I only ended up damaging the relationship beyond repair. After an agonizingly long minute, I rose to my hooves. “I have some things I need to work out. Thanks for letting me know about Evenstar.”
“Sure,” Amethyst said as she continued to stare at the ground.
As I left the student center, my mind could only repeat that incident over and over in my head. I had made a fool of myself and I had pushed my newfound friends away in one fell swoop. It was over, and I knew it. I trudged back to my dorm, a new question forming in my mind. This one was even more powerful than the last, and as I sat down at my familiar desk, I quickly scribbled it onto the page. Do you belong?



> VI. Decisions
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I was journeying into a world of the unknown. I had no idea what would become of me if I dared to enter the realm of the unicorns, that class that always has been above me. Part of my yearned for the freedom to learn that secret art of the unicorns, but that same part was fearful of the prospect of blazing my own trail in life.
Evenstar was right, I had chosen cereal production for its security, and that was the one thing that I had wanted all of my life. I wanted a life that I could be assured would be uneventful and yet still grand. I knew it would be impossible to create such a life for myself, but I wanted to try. I still had that invincibility of youth that fueled my optimistic hope, but it was beginning to crumble.
The options that lay before were infuriatingly simple. I could continue on doing the same thing that every other earth pony had done, or I could choose to venture off into the unknown and watch the assurance of my future crumble before me.
The night was still young, and my mind was taking full advantage of that fact. I was ready to make my decision. I withdrew a small piece of paper from my desk and wrote my two fates on its surface. Magic or farming, that was the question that began swirling around in my mind. I had to choose, there was no way around that fact.
I started jotting down different advantages underneath each word. Things like stability, normal, and availability immediately fell into place beneath farming. It was natural for me to remember all of the good facets of that life that society had told me to live. Underneath magic, I couldn’t write a single word. Another burst of mental power forced me to write down things like knowable, possible, within reach. My mind kept recalling everything I had been fed so many times before. I continued to jot down those descriptors, trying to milk the topics for all they were worth, but all I could do was write down the advantages of staying in that rut society had placed me in. There was nothing my mind could conjure up to support my magical desires.
I knew what I wanted, but my brain still needed convincing it was the right idea. I wanted to develop spells, to create something that could seemingly bend society, but I had nothing to support my desires. Farming was what I had been raised to do, a skill that I was always told to foster. As the unicorns had studied their magic, so was I supposed to study agriculture.
I took a moment to look at the page before me. I knew what I wanted, but there wasn’t a single piece of information to support it. The column underneath magic was blank, while the one beneath farming was filled to the brim. I had been forced to write the rest of the advantages sideways in the margins of the paper, and yet there wasn’t a single one that fell underneath magic. I couldn’t think of a single reason to pursue it.
I lifted my pen once more and, in an act of what I could only call defiance, I wrote two words beneath magic. I couldn’t think of a reason, it was impossible for me to justify my desires, but I knew in my heart what I was supposed to pursue. With a precise motion of my hoof, I penned ‘This is your destiny’ underneath magic. I didn’t have reason other than a gut feeling, and it terrified me, but a feeling deeper still was the assurance that my curiosity would be satisfied.
I withdrew another piece of paper and began to pen a letter to the Council. I knew that the only way I could change my major would be to go to the Council directly. The protocol was simple enough. Write a paper of any length explaining my desire to switch majors, and present it to the Council. The only question now, was how to start.
Dear Council
“No,” I whispered as I struck through the line.
To the Council,
My name is Starswirl and I would like a chance to have a position in the advanced magic class under professor Evenstar to pursue a degree in ma-
“Keep it concise!” I muttered as I crumpled the page and withdrew another.
To the Council,
I have recently discovered that my education should be centered in the field of Magic. I am requesting permission to change my major from Cereal Production to Theoretical Magic.
I sat back and looked at those words. I was penning my own manifesto.
A few days ago, I received my cutie mark after accurately forming a 3 dimensional mental world and manipulating a cluster of stars in it. This is not out of mere happenstance, but rather because it is my calling to pursue magic. I know I can excel in the theoretical magic program here, and I am willing to put forth the effort to ensure that I succeed. I have talent in the area of magic and I am excited about how I can help advance the latest theories of magic. I believe I will have a unique perspective on the inner workings of magical phenomena.
I read over that short paragraph that would become my declaration of who I was to become. I was ready to face the challenges that lay before me, and my first order of business had been completed. I was ready to pursue my newfound dream. I was ready to study magic.
The sleep deprivation that I had incurred over the past few days finally caught up with me. I decided that the best choice for the rest of the night would be to sleep. I crawled into my bed and closed my eyes, but my imagination was swirling with the newfound hope that I had given to it. The scenes that my mind conjured up were spectacular to say the least, but they seemed feasible.
For a brief moment, I would see myself at the front of an assembly taking a prize for  my magical feats. I could hear the crowd cheering and see the flash bulbs flickering away among them. I could feel the confidence that filled my heart as I walked across that stage.
My mind flashed to another scene, where I sat in a room filled with books on my creations. Volumes upon volumes were dedicated to single spells too complicated for any of my predecessors to create. A chair sat in the center, and my mind became blissfully calm when I looked at it.
Another image flashed to my mind, this time I was in front of a large council of stallions, all unicorns, and I was presenting one of my latest theories concerning some incredibly large dimension. I was the leader, the authority on that subject, and all of them knew it.
I could feel a smile creep across my face as my mind slowly let go of reality. I was going to make that first step toward my new life, one where I was destined to be great. It was comforting, knowing that I had finally been given a chance to prove myself to that impossibly exclusive race.
> VII. Messages
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	The next morning, I awoke a few hours earlier than usual. My mind could not keep my body at rest, as it desired an answer to that burning question. I read through that letter once again, ensuring that my semi conscious mind was still halfway coherent. I spent nearly an hour revising, redrafting, and recreating that manifesto I had declared the night before.

Finally, after I had edited the page to within an inch of its life, I was ready to deliver it to the council. I still needed an envelope to deliver the letter and a quick recollection reminded me that I had none. I neatly folded it in half and placed it inside the pages of Tabula Rasa. The book’s hard cover would keep the invaluable paper from being wrinkled in my journey to the courier. It wasn’t a treacherous one, but I wasn’t going to take any chances.

As I left my room, I realized how powerful my stride had become. Seemingly overnight I had adopted an air of confidence as I moved from my dorm to the courier’s office. My head stood high, and my strides were long. It seemed odd at first, for my body to be so readily carrying its weight, like it knew that I finally had a glimmer of hope in that vast sea of doubt. I wanted so desperately to become great, and the opportunity was finally in my grasp.

The day itself was like any other, with students and the occasional professor trotting about the grounds. The air was crisp and cool, just enough to make me wish I had a scarf but not chilly enough to do anything about it. The autumn leaves were scattered across the courtyard and they crunched underneath the hooves of the students as they raced to class. This was it, the day that I was going to take the first step toward my destiny, and every part of my body was confident it was the right decision.

I had either completely forgotten the fact that I was somepony who should have been lesser, or I realized that I could truly rise against the norm. Either way, I was ready, and prepared to make my way into my destiny. I strode with confidence into the courier’s office and withdrew the book from my saddlebag.

“I would like an envelope please,” I said as I withdrew my letter from the book.

“Alright, that will be one bit,”

I slid the payment across the desk.

“Do you need a stamp?”

“Not today,” I said as I carefully slid my letter into the envelope. “This is going to the Council.”

“Alrighty then,” the teller said as I tried to discretely lick the adhesive.

I was sealing that piece of paper that was to be sent to the most powerful leaders in the school. The formality of the entire thing was enough to put me on edge. “Do you know how long it will take for the Council to send their approval?”

“Oh. The council will typically respond within the week.”

Within the week! my mind shouted as I tried to wrap my mind around such a long time. “Do they ever respond faster?”

“Sometimes the response can come within the day, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

“O— Oh, alright,” I stammered as I tried to calm my swirling thoughts. “I guess that’ll have to do then.” I tried to smile, but the disappointment turned my grin into a frown of disatisfaction.

“Have a nice day!”

“Thanks,” I muttered as I strode out into the grounds once more.

Class was about to begin, and I was dead set on being on time today, but somehow I couldn’t shake a growing feeling of despair. I had made my decision to advance my future, but now I was unsure as to whether I would actually have a shot at making that future a reality. I knew what I wanted, but the council only knew me through the name of the pony who wanted to change their major. I prayed it was enough.

The day was fraught with a sense of dread that loomed over me like a stormcloud. I was ready to tackle the challenges of the classes, but I couldn't quite keep my mind from drifting away from the increasingly difficult work. My grades were slipping, and my college life was becoming the textbook example of a stallion who had bitten off more than he could chew. I was never one to really excel in school, and this was the perfect example of that failure to thrive. I was ready to live in a world that I could only start to imagine, but I couldn’t even keep my head above water in my studies.

I was quite foolish to think that I, an earth pony who had no prior knowledge of magic, could possibly succeed in the heavier course load of the magical world. I absolutely loved the idea of performing magic, to create  those incantations that could one day change the world, but I had yet to be introduced into the technical aspect of the course. I was daring to blindly fly into that strange new world, and nopony was going to stop me. The very thing that was keeping my hopes high was beginning to bring them down. I was slowly realizing, once again, that I was breaking boundaries, venturing to places where nopony had been before, and I was, as always, completely alone in my venture.

The day crawled by as these revelations rolled through my head like a storm through a valley. I would see them on the horizon, their massive looming forms foretelling untold possibilities because of my choice. I would try to keep my mind clear of those distractions, but the storm would always inevitably come, drenching my mind in despair and terror at what lay ahead. Eventually, however, it would pass. Each time one of those dreadful feelings arose, there would always be a silver lining on the edge of the cloud. It was then when I would remember that I was still alright and that my decision was going to ultimately benefit me. I had to reassure myself of that ultimately unknowable fact, I craved that hope.

That hope was what would become the driving force behind my studies. I could envision myself becoming great, rising above the rest, and truly making the world a better place. I wanted so badly to be in that position, and nopony had told me it was impossible. In my ignorance, I found hope in the thought that I could truly accomplish my dreams. I wanted so desperately to pursue the destiny that I had so magnanimously conjured up. I knew I was destined for greatness.

My worry finally got the best of me as I left my final class of the day. I couldn’t help but race to my mailbox to see if the council had responded. I knew the odds were slim, but I couldn’t stop that curiosity from driving me to the courier’s office. On my way there, I felt myself beginning to gallop, the anticipation was killing me, and I wanted to discover what my destiny would be. It’s funny how quickly emotions can change, and the dread I felt as I stepped into the office overtook my excitement within the blink of an eye. There, just signing his signature at the desk of the courier, was Professor Spark.

I quickly began to rethink my decision to look into my destiny, but I couldn’t bear leaving without an answer. Regardless, dread still filled my mind.

“Hello there, Starswirl,” he said as he noticed me on his way to the door.

“Hey.”

I felt him sensing my shame as he watched my gaze drift toward the opposing wall.

“I suppose we are both considering the same thing,” he muttered as he stepped closer. “You do realize you have missed two quizzes now.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I hadn’t known about the quizzes, and I had almost completely forgotten about the class in the few days I had been skipping. Magic had taken over every thought in my mind, and it had left chemistry as an afterthought to an old dream.

“Oh,” I said as I let my gaze drift to the floor. I knew my absences were inexcusable, and the thought of failing my classes was becoming more real every day. “I didn’t know about the quizzes.”

“That doesn’t surprise me. You haven’t been in my class for nearly a week now. What do you have to say for your absence?”

In that moment, I remembered what he had said on the first day of class. He told us that we were to be equal, to be a class united under one subject. He was one of the few on campus that believed that the boundaries weren’t quite as solid as society had claimed, and he was testing them on a daily basis.

“Well…” I started as my mind raced to collect the thoughts that had immediately run rampant. “I guess I’m just not getting the concepts in your class…” I couldn’t believe what I had just said. I could have, in that moment, declared my true intentions to the one stallion who would have supported them wholeheartedly, but instead I lied.

“Well being out of class surely hasn’t helped. That being said, you were doing above average before you mysteriously disappeared.”

“Yeah…” I muttered as I tried to figure out a way to keep my lie alive.

“I would like to see you attending my classes more frequently, but I would also like to offer you something in return. I would like to extend my office to you so that you may catch up on your studies. I want you to exceed, Starswirl, and I am here to help you.”

I knew he meant well, I knew that he was on my side, but I couldn’t stop that small voice of pride in my heart that was trying to push him away. It wanted me to leave him and pursue my endeavours alone, or at least with the help of a select few.

“Well thank you,” I said politely as I started to stride off toward the door. My body was, once again, pushing me away from the true desires of my heart. I wanted so desperately to go back to Professor Spark and tell him of my triumph over the status quo, but I couldn’t. Instead I let myself leave that building in pursuit of nothingness.

Just as the door closed, I turned to look at that professor who had offered so much to help me succeed. It it felt as though he was downtrodden, saddened by the fact that I had dismissed his offer, but he didn’t let it show. I guess it was that instant that I realized that what I had become was damaging the ponies who cared about me. Maybe I wasn’t just pulling inward, maybe I was also pushing those around me away.

I reached out and forcefully pulled the door open once more. “Professor Spark?”

“Yes, Starswirl?”

“I want to apologize.”

“For?”

“I want to tell you what’s really been happening.”

> VIII. Sparks
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	“Alright, let me get this straight,” Professor Spark said as he leaned onto his desk.
Our conversation had moved into his office after I had requested privacy. I was starting to come out of my prideful shell, but I still couldn’t stomach an unwitting eavesdropper.
“You’re going to change your major to advanced theoretical magic?” he questioned.	“I’m going to try,” I said confidently as I met his gaze.
“Well, Starswirl,” he started as he leaned back into his seat, “I admire your determination. That being said, I cannot see the Council accepting your application.”
I had expected the conversation to proceed as it had, and I had left out one crucial detail about my ambition. “Professor Spark, there is one more thing you should know.”
“And what might that be?”
“The reason I have not been attending your lectures is because I have been attending professor Evenstar’s Advanced Theoretical Magic class in that time.”
Spark did not respond. He simply leaned forward and held his hooves before his muzzle. His eyes looked straight ahead and his brow furrowed in thought. For several minutes we sat in complete silence. I was waiting for him to speak, to return some reaction to the cards I had just placed before him.
“Starswirl,” he said with a sigh, “you know that I am a stallion who has lectured on equality in this school. For years I have wanted to see somepony rise up and take this matter head on.”
I steeled myself, his trailing voice indicated that there was a ‘but’ to his statement.
“But…”
I flinched.
Professor Spark brought his hoof to his furrowed brow. “I’m going to advise that that you do not pursue such a major.”
I was dumbfounded at the hypocrisy of his words. “What?”
“It’s not the best for you, or anypony else for that matter, to try and put pressure on the council, not for the next several years.”
“But… your speeches… all of us working togeth—”
“I know,” Spark whispered as he shook his head. “I’m as disappointed in myself as you are, but I can’t help but warn you.” He cleared his face of any emotion, and looked to me once more. “This place is not as it seems.”
I tried to keep still in the uneasy silence, but I couldn’t help but fidget. The stallion who had always told me to break the barriers was now telling me to be complacent.
“But…”
“I’m sorry, Starswirl. And if I hear any more of this, I will be forced to take action to stop you.”
“What?”
“If you continue to pursue a course that is not for your race, I will be forced to report you.”
“Report me?!” I shouted, my body slightly lifting from the chair.
“You cannot do this. Now, I trust that you will be in class tomorrow, we have a test.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but the words would not present themselves. I wanted to call him out, to howl at the top of my lungs in that face of hypocrisy, but the astonishment I felt kept me silent. I let my gaping mouth close and contort into a frown.
“I’m sorry, Starswirl.”
“Why are you doing this?”
Spark looked to his desk, his brow furrowing even more. He was calculating a risk. “Alright, I need you to understand that what I’m about to tell you must be kept in the utmost of secrecy. There’s a problem in this university, one that I’ve seen on the horizon like an impending storm.”
Already I was beginning to realize how far my actions could reach.
“This school was founded nearly 100 years ago as a magic research institute. With the centennial coming up, I’ve noticed a lot of… free thinking going on around campus. Several students have come to me before asking for ways that they could break the societal structure just as you are.” He paused to look around the room.
“Every time one of those students made an attempt to cross that structure, they have disappeared from the campus.”
“What?” I whispered. By now I was unsure of the emotions I felt. I didn’t quite understand what he was trying to accomplish, but I also felt as though he was trying to help me through my plight.
“I cannot, in good faith, recommend that you attempt this. Out of all of the ponies that have approached me, you are the only one who has given me a reason for your work.”
His thoughts were just as sporadic as my own, and I still couldn’t infer his motive.
He leaned back into his chair and let out a deep breath. “There’s no convincing you, is there Starswirl?”
I could only shake my head silently in response.
“Starswirl, you’re playing a dangerous game, one that could get a lot of ponies in a lot of trouble. I can tell you that this has been attempted before and the outcome was expulsion.”
He stopped for a moment and looked at me. Behind his stern gaze, I could see a desire in him, one that was trying to break through. Finally, I saw a spark. “Starswirl… I can’t, in good faith, help you pursue a magical degree, but I can give you a way to pursue your work with Evenstar…”
“Oh?”
“Yes… If you can give me updates on your work, just proof that your studies are as you say, I will grant you an amiable grade for the term. I believe that the work you are doing is far greater than anything you could learn in my chemistry course.”
I was shocked, “Isn’t that against regulations?” I asked as I tried to truly comprehend his suggestion. “Couldn’t that get you fired?”
The professor only stared. Silence filled the room as we both sat in complete understanding of what had just transpired. I had been given an indescribably amazing gift at a cost I couldn’t imagine.
After several heavy minutes, the professor rose from his desk and gestured toward the door. “You may leave. You are no longer required to attend my class.”
I feel a sense of pain, pride, and duty in his gestures, as though he were fulfilling something deeper. He wasn’t just doing this for me, he was doing it for himself.
“Professor Spark?” I asked as I rose from my chair.
“Yes?”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Starswirl,” he started as he rose from his chair, “For years I’ve taught about equality, but I’ve never tackled it myself. You… you have potential, something that I always dreamed I could experience for myself. I… I suppose I’m facing the reality that I may not be able to make the impact that I so desperately wish to make. I’m realizing far too late that I’m a lost case.”
Knowing what I know, I wouldn’t have left that room without saying a word. I I would go back, tell him that I would be a voice for equality, but all I did was leave him and walk away without a word.
> IX. Change
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I remember walking out of that room with a feeling I couldn’t quite describe. It was like I was weightless, like I was keeping a powerful secret that sent me on my way with purpose. I felt as though the ponies that I passed were drifting by, their lives directed by something lesser than my goal. I was on a mission to change the world, but also to change my destiny.
The journey back to my dorm was a long one, fraught with images of myself and the sage wisdom from professor Spark’s lectures on equality. This was the life that I had always dreamt of pursuing, one that made me want to continue on. The thoughts of both fame and fortune came back, returning to hold the spotlight of my mind as I trotted through the mall.
I stepped back into my dorm, still just as shocked at what had happened over those few short hours. I had broken one barrier, and behind it lay another helpful guidance in the world of my dreams. Spark was on my side, he was laying down his career to give me a chance to pursue what we both desired. He believed in me, something that I couldn’t do for most of my life.
As I stepped into my room and closed the door, I was greeting with the familiar sight of my messy bed, desk, and closet. Everything was as I left it, in total chaos. Papers were strewn across the desk, some spilling onto the floor, and balls of failed letters lay piled in the wastebasket. The bed covers were filthy, evidence of the uncleanliness of my life, and the chaos of my personality.
The window spoke a different story, however, it spoke one of order and beauty. one where I could be free to roam in the serene outside, to lose myself in the clouds of the land below the academy. It was a reminder that I was to be left to my own devices, to make my own rules, to write my own destiny.
My room was a mess, but it wasn’t going to stay that way if I had anything to say about it. Despite my approaching classes, I opted to spend my time cleaning, something I rarely did of my own volition before then.
Now that I think about it, that was the first time I truly tried to make a change in my lifestyle. It would be the first of many, and the cleaning was a type of catharsis for my soul. I was comforted by the fact that I could rearrange things in a manner that made them orderly, I could combat the chaos this world tended to, I could make a positive change. I was, in a sense, making my own destiny as I stooped to pick up each ball of paper and place it in the wastebasket. I was rewriting my future as I stripped my bed of it’s sheets and placed them in a pile to wash. I was finally becoming the pony that I wanted to become. I was going to make a future for myself that was only defined by my own limitations, not the limitations people told me I should have.
That cleanliness, that sense of making things right, were the first bullets shot in my war against society. If only I had known what kind of war I was starting, what kind of casualties would lie ahead, maybe I wouldn’t have been so eager to pick up those failed letters or clean my desk of the eraser shavings.
I must have stepped back from my work at least a dozen times admiring my completion, but my attention to detail always told me that something was amiss. The corners on my bedsheets weren’t exact, so I folded them into perfect creases. The edge of the floor had collected a bit of dust, and I couldn’t have that, so I dusted the room twice. I  picked that space apart until it was the perfect representation of my future in my naive eyes. It was pure, unadulterated by chaos, untouched by the selfish desires of my heart. It was perfect, just like my future, and I wanted it to stay that way.
Time was odd that day, I was shocked to realize that it was already sunset after I had removed all chaos from my room. I didn’t notice I was hungry, thirsty, or even tired. Those vibrant red rays, however, they told me that time was impersonal and cruel. It would continue on regardless of what I wanted. Time was, and still is, my worst enemy.
I yawned, breaking my intent gaze on the room. I turned toward the bed, its soft covers luring me to take a rest from my work of the day. It was a time for me to sit down, relax, and truly believe that I was making the right decisions. I wanted to let myself drift into my dreams, where my spectacular future could become now, where I could live the life I wanted to with no effort on my part.
I rested my head on the pillow as the sun finally slipped beneath the horizon. The red rays changed to deep violet and then to the speckled black night sky above a sea of grey clouds. It was a world which had become so peaceful to me, a reminder of my lofty position in the academy. It was a life that I loved leading, one that made my decisions seem grand and important.
But as I laid my head down onto my pillow, I noticed something off in the distance. A small glimmer of pure white blinked behind a rather dark curtain of cloud. Out there, behind the serene beauty of the rolling clouds, lay a storm, waiting to strike an unforeseen land. The lightning flashed with anticipation of the destruction it would bring. The thunder wasn’t there but I could feel it in my soul. The power of the storm was the strength that I had in my soul to carry on. I was going to be that storm, that force on the school that it could not foresee. I was about to partake on a journey with a map I only was drawing in hindsight. This world told me that I was supposed to go one way, and I was going to destroy that very notion of what it expected of me. I was going to blaze my own path through my life with the power of my own determination and no one was going to stand in my way. In a sense, I was writing my own vendetta against everything that I had known.
The thoughts swirled faster in my mind as I tried to comprehend the future that I could have, but all I could do was imagine power. I wanted it so bad, and I knew for the first time in my life that it was attainable. I was going to be the change in my life, I wasn’t going to let anyone hold me back, and the world was going to watch me climb to it’s top.
The power fueled me, it gave me hope for a life that I could not only have, but one that I would have. I was going to be great and I knew it. it was the most invigorating feeling I had ever felt.
As another flash of lightning lit up that dark cloud and I refused to sit by once more and let myself dream. I was going to make that dream come, I was going to make my life the life that I wanted it to be, and I was going to start as quickly as that flash of lightning in the distance.
I pulled my covers aside and stepped out of my bed. The night was still young, and I had a mission. I was going to be the change that I wanted to see in my life. If not for me, for Evenstar, for Spark, for everypony who wanted to crush the barriers that had been set before them. It was time for my new life to begin, and I was ready.
I sat down in my chair, spun to my desk with a powerful twist, withdrew the quill from it’s well, and began to write. I didn’t know what about until the ink began to flow. As that tip cast immutable letters on the page, I realized I was writing a letter of thanks, addressed to the council, for my acceptance into the major of Advanced Theoretical Magic. I was ready to see my life change, and I was confident I could. I was done waiting. It was time for action.
The words flowed as I began to imagine the life I was about to enter.
Acceptance into the Advanced Theoretical Magic program is something that I have fought for ever since I discovered the field for myself. This honor is one that I will hold in the highest regard. I understand that this decision is one that may receive a large deal of criticism, but I give my words to pursue it with the height of my ability.
I do not wish for any special treatment, and I expect my education to be identical to my peers. I will excel in this program, for it is one that I am meant to be in.
Every world that I placed on that page I felt to its utmost. They formed on the page as my mind drifted to that shining hope that my future had become.
My only wish is to learn, to take in all that I can, to explore the realms of magic and reveal its secrets to the world. I am determined to make an impact on this world and to prove that I can overcome the obstacle of my race.
It was so empowering to put my raw emotion onto a page, to let my heart truly shout to the world in anticipation of my victory. The world would shudder at my power, at the sheer ability that I possessed. I was going to change the world, to make something completely new, to revolutionize anything I could get my hooves on.
My future success starts with my acceptance and will open new doorways for the world to see a new revolution in magic. I will use my knowledge to bring to light the mysteries of this world and to expose them to minds as brilliant as my own. The world will bask in the light of a magical renaissance. All of this can happen because of what you are doing today.
At this point, my brow was trembling from tension as I released the inner emotions into the lines of text. I felt tears well up in my eyes from the strain in my body as well as my heart. I was going to ensure that the council knew my intentions were good, and that their decision was as powerful as it felt to me.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to pursue this field. I will not let you down.
Signed, Starswirl
        It felt right, getting all of that pent up rage and determination out in the open. The surge of delight, anger, satisfaction, and sorrow all began to pour out of my soul. One by one, my barriers began to fall. My entire being shook as my breathing became staggered and my mind began racing through the wondrous future that lay ahead and the horrible past i was leaving behind. This was my life, and I was about to make it exactly what I had always dreamed it could be.
        With nothing else for me to do, I pushed aside all of the work on my desk, laid my head on its surface, and began to let my body quiver as emotion welled up in my eyes. I wasn’t happy, nor was I sad. All I could think of was the fact that my life was about to change, and that I was stepping into the unknown to pursue that something I couldn’t even imagine. I was, in a phrase, blazing my own path through life. I suppose the gravity of that was what finally made me soak my desk with tears.
It felt right, like I wasn’t lying to myself anymore. I wasn’t going to let anyone tell me that I couldn’t do something, and I wasn’t going to let myself believe that I couldn’t do it either. After the nightmare that was my past had ended, I finally had a glimmer of hope. I was going to be okay, everything was going to be okay.

> X. Barriers
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I cannot remember why, but I jerked from my sleep the next morning. I suppose my dreams were more restless than usual, but regardless, my head shuddered as I awoke to the sounds of the day. The birds riding on the air that tossed the leaves filled my room with a slight din that soothed me from my startled awakening.
As my mind slowly became aware of its surroundings, I realized that there was a rather unbecoming pool of saliva on my desk and the fur on the side of my face was matted and smelled repulsive. I was never the most elegant creature in the mornings, and that day was no exception. I grabbed a towel from one of my drawers and hastily wiped it up. To my chagrin, I realized that my mane was moist as well. A few choice words later and I had removed most of the wetness from myself and my desk.
After tossing the soiled towel to the floor, I let my eyes wander across my desk to the unstained note. I slid it toward myself and let my eyes take in the words as quickly as my mind would allow.
Parsing my late night tone was difficult in the fog of the morning, but the words still gave me power. This was my future described in the form of a thank you to the council. A smile crept across my face I as recalled the events of the night before. I had been physically unable to let myself give in. I was starting to like myself, to appreciate my own mindset toward the pursuit of my dreams. I believed it to be one of my better character traits, and I was right. My perseverance, while still in its infancy, would become one of the most valuable parts of who I was and am today.
That morning was the time when I truly realized, for the first time, that I was becoming the pony I wanted to be, and nothing would stand in my way. I had the power to shape my future and I was going to do just that.
I precisely folded the letter into thirds and gently slid it into an envelope. I neglected to address it, but I did seal it. It was a way for me to trap that mindset inside of myself as well as the page. I rose from my seat, donned my saddlebag, and left my room.
I  needed to talk to Evenstar. I needed to tell somepony that knew my plight what I was about to do. I knew he believed in me, that he was willing to help me on my way to my future.
It was late morning, and autumn, once again, reminded me of the changing season. I was making a change too, I was pursuing my inevitable destiny in magic. I stepped into the silent warmth of the library and made my way to the offices.
“Evenstar?” I whispered as I tapped on the do not disturb sign on his office door. I didn’t want to disturb him, but I felt as though he wouldn’t mind a visit from me.
A light stirring from the room answered my response.
“Didn’t you see the sign?” I heard Evenstar mumble as he stumbled around in the room. “My office hours are from 1 to 4, ple—” He cut himself off as he opened the door. “Ah, Starswirl,” he mumbled as he stepped back into his office and gestured for me to follow. “I’d prefer that you don’t disturb me while I am working. However, now that you’re here, do come in.”
As I stepped into his office, I immediately noticed the mess. This time, instead of the serene emptiness I had experienced before, his room was scattered with books and clutter. Two tables stood beside the chair, each one covered with dozens of pieces of parchment and scrolls. Books littered the floor and piles of crumpled paper filled the corners.
“I apologize for the mess, I’ve been working on a new method for solid generation.”
My eyes grew wide. I don’t know why his statement surprised me, but I guess this world was something that I only imagined. To see it in action was still a new concept to me.
Evenstar chuckled. “What did you expect? A professor that doesn’t research?”
“I just never considered… Nevermind. I’m still new to all of this magic stuff.”
“Alright,” Evenstar surrendered. “Now, what did you want to talk about?”
I steeled myself and mustered up all of my confidence. “I’m changing my major.”
“Oh?”
“Yes, I’m switching to a degree in Advanced Theoretical Magic.”
“Oh…” His voice was heavy, as though the revelation only saddened him.
“Yes. I can’t stop lying to myself, Evenstar. I can’t live a lie anymore.” I could feel my voice becoming more powerful. “I can’t keep on telling myself that what I’m doing is something that I can keep on doing. This life, my life, is one that I can change, and I’m going to do just that. I’m changing my degree, I’m going to pursue theoretical magic, and I’m going to pursue my passion until the day I die.”
I wanted Evenstar to congratulate me, to tell me that I was doing the right thing, to ensure that my life would be as rich as I predicted. I wanted him to validate my decision, but instead all he could do was respond with, “I see…
“What about your other class?”
“Professor spark has allowed me to attend your class instead,” I said confidently.
“Starswirl,” he said as he stepped back into the center of the room and gestured for me to take a seat in his chair. “Take a seat. I want you to see something.”
My head cocked to the side as I walked toward him. I didn’t know what he was about to do, but this was a stallion I trusted. I carefully took a seat in between the two tables and let my back slide into the chair. “Alright… Now what?”
“Look around you Starswirl. What do you see?”
“Papers, books, quills…”
“No,” he said as he gestured toward the entire room. “What do you see?”
“I… I see a room filled with hard work for a noble cause.”
Evenstar brought his hoof to his muzzle and stepped over to the giant windows that stood at the edge of the room. He leaned against them and asked the question a third time. “Starswirl… What do you see?”
I wasn’t frustrated with his questioning, I was rather intrigued with his repetition. I wanted so desperately to understand what he wanted me to see. I wanted for him to understand that this was exactly what I needed in my life, a way to reach beyond the realm I had been locked into. “I see… I see a boundary.”
“A boundary?”
“There's a separation between us and the world… The windows…”
Evenstar glanced at the windows and nodded. “Alright, what is so interesting about them?”
“They’re stopping us from experiencing the world outside.” My attention was fixed on the massive glass panes in a trancelike gaze.
“Indeed they are,” Evenstar said.
“And… if we remove them,” I started as I stood from my chair and walked to the glass. “We can see the world more clearly, for what it really is.”
“We can do that, Starswirl.” Evenstar said as he pointed toward one of the latches on the bottom of the floor. He looked at me and nodded, as if to say that opening them was permitted.
I stooped to the floor and gave the latch a firm tug. The window groaned as it broke away from its seal. “All we have to do is remove the barriers,” I whispered as placed my hooves on the glass and gave it a firm push.
Instantly a loud howling filled the room as the cold, high-altitude wind swirled in with the force of a storm. It picked up quills, books, and pages throwing them all across the room. The organized chaos of before was immediately destroyed. I could only watch in horror as papers began to race toward the open window. I tried my best to close the pane of glass, but a few pages slipped out into oblivion. As I pulled the window shut, I could only watch as the pieces of parchment drifted off into the clouds and disappeared from my world. I turned my attention to the room. It was a mess. More books had fallen from the shelves, the tables of pages had been cleared of their notes and thrown to the corners.
I couldn’t look at Evenstar, I could feel his eyes boring holes into the back of my head. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered as I started toward the door. “I… I thought it was—”
“Starswirl.” Evenstar’s voice wasn’t upset, but rather as reserved as always. “This regret, this powerful feeling of remorse, remember it. The windows are a barrier.” He stooped to the ground and locked the latch once more. “They were keeping us from experiencing the world. They were hindering us.”
He knelt down and began cleaning up the mess. “All of my organization has been ruined, all of my research for today is over. However, it’s a small price to pay for such a valuable lesson. I wish I had been told this.”
“What?”
“Starswirl, you must be careful. This world is full of boundaries. Some of them are fair and some are not, but you cannot look at every boundary as something to surmount. If you do, the world will destroy you. I admire you for your pursuit of magic. I admire your determination, your perseverance, and your hunt to learn. However, you may be breaking boundaries that are keeping you safe. This world that we live in, it’s not one that takes kindly to breaking the status quo. Earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi all have their own boundaries. They’re not fair, they’re not right, but they’re there.
“Starswirl,” Evenstar said, his voice softened through compassion, “You need discernment. Some boundaries are breakable, they can be toppled and reap great rewards. Think of when you opened that boundary to my class. You stepped into a world you didn’t know because your curiosity pushed you. Because of that, we met, you started learning magic, and you found your talent. Some boundaries, they’re breakable, but some aren’t.”
I nodded. I knew what he was saying was true, that I might be breaking through into a world that would destroy me. I was about to destroy something that had gone untested for years and I had no idea what lay on the other side.
“Discernment, Starswirl. Ensure you can make the right decision. I want you to succeed, but I don’t want you to fall, I don’t want you break through a boundary that will end up destroying you. There are always repercussions that you cannot see, ones that that may affect others beside yourself.” He stepped back to his chair, placed several pages back onto his desk, and took his seat once more. “I believe you can achieve great things, but greatness always comes at a cost.”
I nodded. “Thank you,” I choked out as I stepped to the door and placed my hoof on the handle.
“One more thing,” Evenstar said as he began realigning his work on the table. “I’m not going to stop you from going before the Council. The school will hear your plea, but they will not hear it a second time. Don’t break the wrong boundaries.”
“I don’t intend to,” I whispered as I opened the door into the library.

> XI. Indiscretion
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	The emotion I felt as I walked out of that room was the second most intense sense of regret I would ever have. All of those pages lost, all of that organization ruined, all of that work destroyed due to my inability to discern what would happen if I opened that window. It stung deep into my soul, that feeling of despair. Images of those pages falling into the sea of clouds so far away flashed into my mind as I glided through the library. I had been spared from the wrath of my professor, but part of me wished I would take the full force of his disappointment. Surely he was upset, but he hadn’t showed it. As my mind began to replay those torturous images, I began to want my own retribution. My mind started focusing on every problem I caused.
It hurt me in a way that I cannot truly describe. I remembered the pages and the chaos. All of the destruction that had been caused by my stupidity. Despite my excitement over the past few days, that still small voice returned to my mind, urging me to hate myself once more. What were you thinking? it asked as I left the library. Why do you have to be so stupid?
I was too defeated to stop its harassment. Everything it said was something that I truly believed. I was in mental anguish and I was starting to let myself slip into the same mindset I had fallen into so long ago on the second day.
I stepped into the post office and took in a deep breath. The smell of paper reminded me of the other half of my persona, the one that Evenstar, Spark, and many others had come to appreciate and applaud. My determination quickly choked out my sadness and my focus narrowed to the small metal panel addressed to me. There was something inside of me that believed the letter was already there, that the council had heard my request and had answered it with a resounding acceptance.
You couldn’t possibly have been accepted by the council after what you did.
“No,” I whispered beneath my breath, “I can’t give up because of one mistake.”  Hearing the words somehow forced the rising doubts in the back of my mind to quiet themselves for a moment. I could feel a battle for my future beginning to form in the chaos of my mind.
Just give up. It’s not worth it. You’re going to hurt everypony. Every statement was true, every piece of information that quiet voice whispered was without flaw. I couldn’t stop it now, it was growing louder with each passing second.
Come on, just give up. Go back to your dorm and study for your next class. Life in cereal production has more to offer than this impossible dream you’re chasing. You don’t belong with their kind, with the rest of the unicorns who have magic, you are meant to farm.
My eyes began to fill with tears as I slowly walked to the wall of PO boxes. “5129” I whispered as my hoof hovered beneath the engraved plate. “It’s here,” I told myself, trying to grasp that faint shining point of hope in my future. I knew the light was ther was there, but I was having to strain to see it. Both Evenstar and Spark had told me in their own way that something was amiss, and I knew it. This was a challenge that others had faced and failed.
You aren’t different. You are in this for yourself, you just want fame, you just want something for your own validation. You should leave. Just walk away.
“I…”
Listen, you’ve got a future ahead of you, one that is secure and bright. Sure you may not be extremely fulfilled, but you’ll be secure, rich, and safe. That’s what you want right? to keep us safe, that’s your dream. That’s the whole reason you’re here, the whole reason you decided to attend university. You wanted to be part of something bigger than yourself, something greater than you can imagine, and you have that. You have a future in agriculture, one that will grant you security and happiness.
Fighting what I had been told all of my life was difficult enough. I was challenging the very status quo of the society I had grown to be a part of. But fighting myself seemed impossible. That still small voice in the back of my head screamed louder than any professor ever could. I didn’t know what was about to happen, what I was about to start, what kind of world that I was about incur the wrath of. That terror, that lack of knowledge, struck me deep to my core.
Stop.
My hoof came to rest on the small dial beneath the plate 5129. I took hold of the knob and turned it to the first number.
What are you doing?
I stopped at the first digit, and began to spin it the other way, seeking out the next number in the sequence.
No! You’re trying to pursue a life that isn’t your own!
I spun the dial to the third number and paused. All that was left was one more turn that would open the box. 
STARSWIRL!
I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing tears down the side of my face. It was time for me to start making changes in my life. It was time for me to take control. I was going to pursue my life the way I wanted to, the way I had to. With one quick twist, I pulled the door to the box open.
The voice was silent.
There, in the box, was a letter. I quickly grabbed it and hurriedly shut the small metal door. This was it, this was my time to change my life.
The letter was from the council. Immediately I tore into it, trying to quickly open envelope open without damaging the letter inside. Now, if you’ve ever tried to open an envelope with hooves, you know that it can be quite a challenge. When you’re excited, it’s even more so. As I stood there, struggling like and idiot to open my letter, a soft voice called my name.
“Starswirl?”
“Huh, what?” I asked as I pulled my attention back to reality. Had I been paying attention, I would have recognized the voice. It was Amethyst.
“It… it looks like you could use some help,” she said as she gestured toward my crumpled envelope.
“Uh…” I started as I held the envelope out to her, “sure.” I wanted to say more, but there was a pain in my heart as she lifted it into the air with her magic. Part of me wanted that so desperately, to be able to use such a power.
“It’s from the council?” she asked as she smoothed out the wrinkles and began peeling back the top flap.
“Yep,” I quickly responded. I was in a social setting, I couldn’t let myself drift into my thoughts any longer.
“I wonder what it is?” she whispered as she stopped at the official wax seal. “Oh… uhh…”
“Go ahead and break it,” I said as I gestured toward the seal. A spark of confidence rose in my heart. “If I tried to, I’d destroy it.”
She smiled as she carefully tore through the wax and opened the envelope. The care she gave as she withdrew the page was reassuring. It was almost as though she knew the gravity of the situation as much as I did. As the letter unfolded in her purple aura, I thought for a moment that there had been a mistake. It was blank. Then, as I looked to Amethyst, I noticed her eyes were scanning across the page.
“Uhhh,” I started as I reached for the page. I wasn’t sure what to do, but I knew I wanted to read the letter.
She gasped. “You got in!” She exclaimed. “That’s awesome!”
Immediately I was both excited and saddened. Thanks for telling me. “Can I see?” I asked, trying to keep my irritation as masked as possible.
She froze, her cheeks growing bright red. It looked like she suddenly realized what she had done. “Oh,” she said as her face fell. “Sorry… I just…” She gave the page back to me and quickly turned to leave.
“Amethyst?” I asked as she started trotting toward the door. I could tell she was flustered with herself. “Is something wrong?”
She paused for a moment before turning to face me once more. The redness in her cheeks had subsided a bit, but I could tell she was still embarrassed. “I’m… I’m sorry for reading your letter… I…”
“It’s alright.” I think it was my tone, not my words, that brought a smile back to her face. Silence filled the room as I looked over the letter. There, on it’s surface, were the words that I had so desperately wanted to see.
The council has reviewed your request for a major change to ATM and has decided that a presentation will be in order. You will be expected to meet us in the Assembly on friday afternoon at 4:00 PM sharp. We are interested to hear your case and only wish the best for your education and the school.
A smile filled my face as I took in the words on the page. This was it, the last part of my old life and the beginning to a bright future.
“Well,” she muttered as she started to the door once more. “I’ve got a lot of work to do for Evenstar’s class.”
My ears perked up. “Wait, you’re going to go do your Advanced Theoretical Magic homework?”
“Yeah. Evenstar gave us a pretty difficult assignment for next week.”
“Oh really?” I said as I placed the letter back in the envelope. “In that case do… do you mind if I join you?” I wasn’t sure if I was being too forward or not, but I knew I wanted a chance to learn.
“Study with me?”
“Well… yeah. I’m going to be attending your class from now on, and I’ve missed a few. Maybe you could fill me in and help me get up to speed.”
She paused as a small smile spread across her lips. “Alright,” she said as her head began to nod. “Sure. All of my stuff is in my room in East Hall…” her voice trailed off.
“Is something wrong?”
“Is today wednesday?”
I thought for a moment. Time had gotten away from me in the past days. “No, it’s Thursday,” I said after I remembered what class I was supposed to be in.
“Oh, alright. We can’t have visitors on floor on Sunday through Wednesday.”
“Why not?”
“The school wants us to study instead of socialize during those times,” Amethyst said as she started toward the door. “I see why they do it. All of the ponies that live in East Hall are in some form of advanced course sequence. We work a lot and other ponies on floor can get very distracting.”
She opened the door and gestured for me to exit. A cool breeze rolled into the room and whipped through my mane. Yet again, the world was changing from the livelihood of summer to the stillness of winter. Amethyst followed me out of the post office and walked by my side toward the dorm. East Hall was on the other side of the campus, and while the university itself was relatively small, there was still a few minutes to enjoy the high altitude weather.
The trees had all but lost their leaves by now, their remnants littered the ground as small specks of brown in the grass. The air was cool and clear, just barely letting the moon above show itself through the blue haze. If we had been in Evenstar’s office, we would have been able to see all the way to the horizon.
“So,” Amethyst started, pulling me from my thoughts. “What have you been doing? We’ve missed you in class.”
The conversation took me by surprise, but the thought that the rest of the class missed me was something I absolutely was not ready for. “Oh… I uhh… wait. You guys missed me?”
“Yeah…”
“Why?” I never expected a group of unicorns to lament my absence.
“Well… When you showed up, it reminded us how special we really are.”
The statement was so nonchalant that I didn’t pick up on its implication until I ran it through my head once more. As I started processing what she had said, I saw her face fall.
“I mean… it reminded us about how special magic is,” she said, trying to backtrack on her statement. “Like, seeing an earth pony with such a fascination in magic was… well… inspiring for us.”
“Oh, that makes sense,” I said. I quickly began to realize that I wasn’t as accepted as I had thought.
She must have picked up on my tone, because she tried once more to rephrase her statement. “I dunno, it’s hard to describe. We don’t see many earth ponies around, and we’ve never actually seen one in our classroom. I guess that took us by surprise at first. But… when you… when you talked about your world…” She paused, presumably to find the words to say. “When you talked about your world, you reminded us of what we’re really doing. Like, we’ve been working with magic for so long it’s become stale. To see somepony else so wholeheartedly pursue it, we’re all so inspired by you. It’s like, we’ve been doing things that nopony else is, developing spells on a research level and it became so routine that we… we lost sight of the impact we’re making. Maybe one day the force field spell I created will be used for something. I mean, we’re literally changing the world, trying to create things that have never been done before. That’s never supposed to get old. I… I don’t really know how to say it, I’m not very good at explaining things sometimes. Do you know what I mean?”
I tried to wrap my head around the disjointed statement, but I knew, somehow, exactly what she was trying to say. In my enthusiastic ignorance I had reminded a group of the wonder that their work inspired.
That convoluted statement from Amethyst was the first time I truly realized what kind of an impact magic could have, what kind of impact I could have. That power, that ability to change the world and it’s inhabitants, was beautiful to me. I realized that, despite my own desire to perform magic, I could have an impact on the entire world if I tried. I never considered that my drive could make such a difference, be such a powerful force in the world.
It was then, through a simple conversation with Amethyst, that I realized how bright my future could become. In that moment, I silenced that sickening voice in my soul that told me to be complacent. I wanted greatness, and I was going to have it.
> XII. Consciousness
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	East hall was an unfamiliar place to me. Instead of the typical chaos associated with dorms housing earth ponies, stallions, and worst of all: both, I was met with a sense of beauty. the hall was beautifully crafted in the same style as that of the rest of the campus. The same ornate pillars held the same lofted marble ceiling with the same intricate carvings adorning its surface.
However, something was there, something I hadn’t yet seen on any of those magnificent walls. I could only describe it as visible laughter. The mares of East hall, of whom many had filled the lobby, had placed small colorful pieces of parchment everywhere. They were crude drawings of varying subjects, but their theme remained consistent, they were happy. This was a place that reveled in the fact that it was a community. The splash of color on the white wall would have come off as unbecoming to me on those first few days of university, but today I smiled at the sight. It reminded me that this wasn’t as harsh, unforgiving, and foreboding as the union and its pristine walls. This was a home, a home to dozens, and they were intent on keeping it as kind as they could.
The entire scene had taken my breath away, and as I inhaled, a new sensation met my mind. It was the not so subtle smell of mixing perfumes, flowers, and a faint wisp of body odor. The power of the smell caught me off guard more than the sight of the hall had. To this day, I can still remember that smell. It has left a burning sense of remembrance of that hall, of what the other world I would only experience on short occasion and in small doses.
My ears twitched to the sound of voices. It was chaotic, yet somehow the entire place remained peaceful. Small topics of passionate discussion were spoken in hushed whispers. Others were carried out loudly, but not angrily, between two excited friends from either side of the lobby. As I was taking in the sounds, my mind focused at the utterance of a familiar word. I tried to seek it out, hoping beyond hope that I would be able to find the source.
I heard it again, my mind still recovering from the stimulation of the dorm’s atmosphere. I swung my vision across the room, but I was only met with an absent source.
“Starswirl!” Amethyst whispered sharply as she stepped into my view. She furtively glanced at the occupants of the lobby before cracking a wry smile. “It’s impolite to stare.”
“Huh?”
“If you’re so interested in the mares here, why don’t you go talk to one?”
I could tell she was jokingly prodding, but that didn’t stop my cheeks from reminding the world of my embarrassment. I didn’t have a response, but she apparently wasn’t looking for one. As soon as she said those words she turned to the large pair of doors to the right.
“Alright, let’s go,” she said as she waved for me to follow. I quickly cantered to her side and walked into the modest hallway of the dorms.
Again, I was impressed with the atmosphere. The smell changed once more as did the sights, but the feeling of homeliness was still infectious in the air. Moreover, I was excited about the opportunity to spend the night studying magic. I could feel my confidence building as we trotted down the hall and entered the room marked 113.
“Welcome to my room,” she muttered as the door lightly groaned on its hinges. It took a bit for my eyes to adjust to the new environment. Instead of color, there was chaos, instead of pleasant smells, there was a slightly repulsive scent of colliding perfume hanging in the air. The only window in the room overlooked the edge of the mountain, but a cloudfront had rolled in, filling the surface with a strange white glow.
“I like it,” I lied as I carefully stepped over a small pile of books in the floor. Saying that her desk was the messiest part of her room would detract from the clutter that seemingly climbed the walls at the corners.
“Sorry about the mess,” she said as she made a feeble attempt to push a few of her studying materials beneath her bed. It would have cleared up the room a bit, but she had filled the space beneath her bed to the point where the action only prompted more things to fall into the chaos. “You can sit…” she started as a scowl spread across her face. She was scanning the room, trying to find a place for me to reside beneath the clutter. “Ah, you can sit here!” She pointed at a small cleared section on the floor. Well, calling it cleared would be a misnomer, but the ability to see carpet in the room would be considered a miracle, so I took it.
“Thanks,” I tried to sound as enthusiastic as I was, but my tone tapered off into a disappointed remark. Luckily, that flew right over her head.
“Great!” she exclaimed as she took a seat before what I presumed was her desk, “Now, let’s talk magic.”
“Yes,” I promptly agreed as she opened her book. I was eager to learn despite the conditions.
“So, Evenstar has us working on individual projects, as you know. Well, I’ve been working on modeling what I’m calling a field barrier.”
I could feel my head nodding, as though my subconscious was more fascinated than I was in the topic.
“Well, I’ve been wondering, how am I going to do something other than semispheres?” Her voice trailed off as she let her eyes drift shut. 	“Evenstar has always told us to focus on our worlds, to keep our mental realms fresh so they won’t degrade. He likes the phrase: ‘If you don’t use it, you lose it.’”
“What do you mean?” I asked. “Like, you can lose your mind?”
Amethyst snickered. “No, you could lose your world. Now, I’d like to not be interrupted.”
“Oh, right.” I cowered at her words, they weren’t vitriolic, but they still stung a bit. I understood how she felt about not wanting to be interrupted though. As she drifted into her world I couldn’t help but let my gaze drift around the cluttered room. It was an absolute eyesore. Everything was out of place and chaotic. There was a part of me that wanted to stand up and begin cleaning, but I couldn’t even figure out where to start. This place was so unfamiliar I had no idea where to put anything.
Then I turned my attention to Amethyst. She was, for lack of a better phrasing, the least irritating thing to look at in the dimly lit mess of a room. There was something about looking at the mess that truly irked me to a level I cannot begin to describe. I would attribute that irritation to my own control over my life. I didn’t like messy rooms, it represented too much of my previous life, one that I was trying so hard to remove myself from.
Amethyst’s eyes opened and I was still caught in my stare. The same stare which just so happened to be focused directly at her face.
“Uhh…” she started as she backed her head away. “What are you doing?”
I was unable to respond, not because of embarrassment, but because my mind was acutely focused on the mess in the room and Amethyst’s face. For some reason she was starting to take a form in my mind as well. She looked like the light at the end of the tunnel, she had it all. Magic, mental dimensions, everything I could have ever dreamed of.
“Starswirl, can you stop staring at me?” That was the first time I ever heard a mixture of anger, confusion, and disgust all wrapped into one sharp sentence.
My cheeks, once again, told the story so I didn’t have to.
“You like me, don’t you?”
The only thing about the question that startled me was its straightforwardness. I honestly didn’t care much for anypony beside myself at the time, but the question still forced me to silence. After a few seconds she began to pry further.
“Is this why you wanted to come and study? So you could stare at me?” She was visibly upset, but curious about my action. She wanted answers, so I started giving them.
“Oh… uh no… I just wanted to talk about Evenstar’s class.”
“Sure you did… I’ll bet you just wanted to come see me in my room!” She was beginning to raise her voice. That only added to the redness in my cheeks. “See! You’re blushing!”
It was so difficult to say something in response, to put to rest her rising emotions, but I had to do something. Well, I thought I had to do something… “No, I was staring at you because I really can’t look at messy rooms. Like, you’re the only thing in here that isn’t messy so I just kinda started… staring at you…” As you can see, I was a master of the linguistic arts while I attended university.
It was her turn for her cheeks to grow red. “Oh… well… sorry about the mess. I just… never mind.” She sank back into her chair and began to retreat to her mental dimension once more.
The excursion had left me a bit flustered, but I was still interested in the magic. However, I wanted to learn, not just watch somepony drift off into a mental realm and forget that I existed. I wanted to be included, but that meant that I had to be on that same mental plane. I couldn’t study if I didn’t know the same as her. I didn’t know what to do. So, in my infinite wisdom, I defaulted to the same action once more. I began to stare at her once more.
Now, however, a new feeling replaced my consternation. You like me, don’t you. For some reason, that phrase rang through my mind. As it echoed, I couldn’t help but notice a small feeling I hadn’t felt since middle school slowly forming in my mind. You like me, don’t you. Well of course I didn’t, she was just another friend. Another friend who had been kind enough to remember who I was and who I wanted to be. Just another friend…
I still distinctly remember that train of thought, for it was the one that finally cracked my confidence enough to let reality rush into my bubble of isolation. The realization was sudden, and it stung me in a place I didn’t know existed in my soul until that point. I was alone. Nopony would have noticed if I had dropped off of the mountain’s sharp cliffs the next day. To them, I was another pony in the sea that swirled endlessly through the campus. With that thought, the thought that Amethyst was a friend, I immediately became aware of my surroundings.
I was alone in a dorm of mares on the unicorn end of the school. I was in a completely unfamiliar place in a world that I was still struggling to understand. I was trying so hard to become somepony I wanted to be rather than being somepony I was comfortable being. It was a life that I so desperately sought out I was beginning to completely lose sight of who I was. I was dying, and the only one who could save me was the very one who despised me. There was only one sense of familiarity in the room that was beginning to close in around me. That light of hope was Amethyst. She, above any of my peers was the only one who gave me the time of day.
And, as before, my gaze was directly affixed on her. And after my mind ran through those disparaging thoughts, I suddenly realized a new feeling slowly emerging from my heart. At the time I couldn’t place it, I didn’t understand what it was or where it came from, but something deep down told me there was something about her. If you had asked me at that very moment how I felt, I would blushed, realized the redness in my cheeks, and blushed more. I was terribly uncomfortable, but that was only the beginning of my problems.
As you can imagine, my traumatized mind was frozen in fear. And since I continued to stare at Amethyst as those thoughts swirled through my mind, I quickly became both embarrassed and, well, aroused. Not in any heightened way, mind you, but enough to evoke a certain select group of images to flash to my mind. It then escalated. Her eyes shot open once more, but this time she only saw my… well… wandering gaze.
As you can imagine, I’m not too proud of this incident, but I feel it adds a great deal to my plight so I shall spare you the details and continue. As you can imagine, Amethyst was flustered at my… visual indiscretion.
“Were you eyeing me!?” Amethyst shouted as she reeled from her chair. Her sudden movement tipped her chair past its center of gravity and she began to topple over. As she flew backwards, her scream of shock turned into a scream of terror. Luckily there was a large pile of books to catch her fall as gracefully as books could. She struck them with quite a force, scattering them through the room.
I remained where I was, watching helplessly as she immediately began scanning the room. She first checked to ensure she wasn’t injured, then checked the room to figure out what just happened, and then she turned her gaze to me. It was the fastest I have ever seen anypony realize their predicament, it only took a fraction of a second. At the time, however, I wasn’t too interested in her mental speed.
“You creep!” She shouted as she lifted one of the books beside her with her magic and rocketed it toward my head. I’m not sure how I avoided the first one, but I can tell you that the second one made up for the first’s taste for blood. It connected with my temple and sent me reeling in pain.
“What was that for?” I moaned as I rubbed the lump on ,y forehead.
“For looking at my ass!” Another book whizzed by my head.
“I’m sorry,” I whimpered as my face grew bright red once more. I couldn’t say anything more. The book had nearly knocked the consciousness from my head. Another blow and I would be under if not worse.
“Sorry? Sorry?! Well sorry isn’t going to cut it!” Another book rose from the seemingly infinite pile around her. I was afraid. I knew she could kill me with the next book, and the look in her eyes told me that she wanted to. She wound for the pitch and prepared to send a hardback dictionary through my skull.
I was too delirious to do anything but raise my hoof in her direction, as though my feeble attempt would dampen the damage from the book she held. The seconds ticked by like years, for a moment we were frozen in time. My life didn’t flash before my eyes, but the room did. Everything around me at that very moment was burned into my mind as an image I can still see clearly today.
It still haunts me, but the feeling it evokes has changed over time. I still remember her eyes, the hatred, rage, and absolute anger that dwelled beneath them still brings tears to my own. The room was pale and lifeless, aside from the floating book that stood poised beside her. Everything around her was in complete chaos and yet, in that mental image, it seems tranquil. The only color in the room was Amethyst’s coat and her magic. Everything else was dull.
This was the first time I saw the true consequences of letting my mind wander. I had let my guard down, I sunk so far into my mind that I had forgotten reality. This would not be the last time I would let my wandering mind pull me from reality.
Then, I saw the dictionary move. I reflexively began to turn away as my mind snapped to reality once more. My action was an attempt to keep my face safe from the impending strike and to blindfold myself to the moment it would strike. In that moment I accepted my fate. I realized the damage I could have caused both to myself and to her, and I was ready to pay the price for my inconsideration. I wasn’t ready to die, I can see that clearly now, but at the time I thought I was. I thought I was getting what I deserved, a retaliation for my stupidity.
I held that position for what seemed like hours. In every moment that passed, my mind was filled with one question: “when will it come?” As you probably guessed, the strike never did. I was forced to pry my eyelids open and address amethyst once more. However, when I turned my head, I saw a sight that was confusing to say the least. Her demeanor had completely changed.
The fury in her eyes was replaced with sorrow. Tears were beginning to mat her cheeks and her pursed lips told me that she was holding back some powerful emotion. “I’m so sorry…” she whispered.
“What?” I asked as my heart began to slow.
“I… I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just… I didn’t mean to hit you that hard.” She pointed at my head and stifled a sob.
I lifted my hoof to bump on my forehead. The injury hurt, that much was expected, but what was more concerning was the copious amount of blood that immediately began running down my leg. I was still fairly disgruntled from the first strike, but a powerful chill ran down my spine as I watched a small stream of blood snake its way over my fur.
I tried to make the words to describe my feelings come to my mouth, but as my adrenaline subsided all I could muster was a low guttural moan. My mind hadn’t noticed it before now, but a blistering heat was spreading from the injury. Within seconds, my vision began to blur.
“Amethyst?” I muttered as I tried to stand. “How bad is it?” I didn’t need a response, my body answered for me instead. My knees gave way and I stumbled to the ground. The world turned sideways as my head rested on one of the piles of books that covered the floor.
“Oh my gosh,” Amethyst whispered as she raced to my side. I could see her eyes scanning the room as though she were looking for something. I could see her mind pulling bits of information as she tried to figure out what to do. I wish I could have heard what she was thinking, I wish I could have been informed as to what was going on, but unfortunately I was completely isolated once more.
“Amethyst?” I asked as I tried to force my eyes to focus on her.
“One second,” she muttered as she quickly began swiping books from the piles around her. “Where is it…” she whispered as her search quickened. Books began to lift into the air, forming a queue for her to quickly sort through. I could barely keep my eyes open at this point, and forcing myself to remain conscious was even more difficult.
Unfortunately, although I remember the intensity of the scene, I cannot recall the series of events afterward. Many of the images were lost due to my delirium. However, I do remember one loud shout, possibly one of triumph, and the sound of hundreds of books falling to the floor. After that, I remember nothing.
> XIII. Magic Barriers
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Pain. That was the first thing I noticed as my mind emerged from its mental fog. It felt as though an intense amount of pressure had been applied to my forehead. It was excruciating and the injury demanded that I remain still, but my curiosity beckoned me to open my eyes and survey my surroundings. As I let my eyes adjust to the room, I noticed everything was masked in a soft yellow light that wavered ever so slightly. That was when I noticed the pale walls. They were marble. I let my eyes close as I uttered a low moan. I wanted to drift back into painless unconsciousness, but fate had another plan.
“Starswirl?” Amethyst gently asked.
My eyes shot open as I turned my head in the direction of the voice, but they immediately shut once more when my forehead protested with a powerful stabbing pain.
“Careful, I don’t know how well that bandage will hold.”
“Bandage?” I muttered as I lifted my hoof to my forehead. That’s when I felt the small strip of fabric that rested atop my wound.
“The bleeding stopped a few hours ago,” she said as she placed a cold damp cloth on my cheek. I flinched at the sensation, causing her to recoil a bit. “Oh sorry,” she whimpered. “There’s still some… some blood on your cheek.”
At the mention of blood the scenes of the incident came back to my mind. I had been struck by a book, thrown by Amethyst, because I was looking at her… well, her posterior. Immediately I began to feel uncomfortable once more as an all too familiar heat rose to my cheeks. Amethyst quickly noticed.
“Hey, uh… I’m sorry about what happened,” she said as she brought the damp cloth to my face once more. “I guess I just… I’m sorry” She couldn’t put her remorse into words, but I could tell by the way she said it that she was truly apologetic for flaring up.
“Yeah, I’m sorry about… well…” Wording how I was going to apologize at looking at her hindquarters was difficult to do with full consciousness, now it was virtually impossible. I wanted to let her know the complexity of the thoughts I had while caught in my stare. I figured that I would somehow make the entire incident seem less like I had performed the action intentionally if I could just explain myself accurately. I wanted to prove to her that I wasn’t that kind of stallion.
We sat in silence as she dipped the cloth into the bowl of water and brought it to my cheek once more. The gentle scrubbing on my face was a welcomed sensation from the constant throbbing in my skull. I could tell she wanted to make amends for her mistake, and her solution was to remain silent and continue cleaning the blood.
“It’s nighttime, by the way,” she said in a feeble voice. “You’ve been out for a few hours.” She was worried, that much was obvious, but her words also carried a sense of relief.
“What time is it?” I asked.
“The sun just set about an hour ago.”
I groaned in disappointment at the revelation. “I need to go back to my dorm,” I muttered as I gently rocked my head. It was excruciating to consider moving, but I couldn’t let myself go without sleep before going before the Council.
“Uhhh…” Amethyst started as I rolled to my side and winced. “I don’t think you’re well enough to move.”
“But I have to,” I muttered as I let one of my legs slide off of the bed. “I’m going before the assembly tomorrow and I need to be rested.” Most of my words were slurred, but they sounded enounced well enough to my foggy mind. I suppose they also made sense then, but now I can see how delirious I was. Amethyst was right, I was in no condition to walk, let alone go back to my own dorm, but I was determined. And when had determination ever led me astray?
As soon as I slid from the bed and placed my full weight on my legs, my knees buckled and I fell into a pile of books. It hurt, the small spike in my blood pressure made my head wound scream in pain.
“Oh, careful…” Amethyst said as she stepped to my side. She stood there for quite some time, trying to keep herself from violating my personal space. It wasn’t until I specifically requested her assistance that she helped me too my hooves and back into the bed.
“Oh, why does this have to happen now!” I growled as my head hit the pillow. My mind was growing sharper, and with it my anger began to rise. “Tomorrow is the biggest day of my life!” I wasn’t talking to anpony in particular. In fact, I believe it was a specific corner in the room that was intended to bear my wrath. However, that isn’t what Amethyst heard.
I didn’t know what I was hearing at first, it sounded like something was lightly scraping the window. However, as I turned my head toward Amethyst, I discovered that her hoof was pressed up against her muzzle.
Now it was my turn to explain my words. “Wait, no… I mean, I wasn’t expecting something like this to happen.”
She looked away and squeezed the tears from her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I just overreacted.”
It was obvious there was nothing I could say to cheer her up so I just stopped talking. I don’t truly know what I could have said, but anything at that point was likely to do more harm than good. I let my head rest back onto the pillow and I took a deep breath. Now I had to figure out what to do for the rest of the night. It looked like going back to my dorm was out of the question for now, but the last thing I wanted was to let myself idle.
“I don’t know what to do,” I muttered, breaking the silence I wasn’t aware of.
“Hmm?”
“I just… I can’t do anything right now, like at all. I just have to sit in this bed.”
I could almost hear her thinking. “Well, I still have that homework for Evenstar,” she offered. The mention of our professor brought a glimmer of hope back to my mind. It was something to grasp and I wasn’t going to let it go.
“Hey wait, can you show me your current spell?” I asked as I let my head roll in Amethyst’s direction.
“You mean my force field?”
“Yeah, I never got to see it happen in class.”
Amethyst let out a sigh. “Yeah, nobody ever gets to see any magic in class with his rule.” I could tell by her tone that she wasn’t happy about Evenstar’s no magic policy.
“Why does he do that?”
“I think he’s got it  inside of his head that we will work together outside of class, but we only end up doing personal projects. Some of the other ponies in the class think he’s trying to force us to use mental magic.”
I stopped the conversation there. I could sense a degree of animosity in her voice, and I didn’t want to push her past her tipping point once more.
“Alright,” Amethyst said as she hurriedly pushed her books from the desk. I could tell from her energy that she was growing excited. “So my spell is starting to work really well. After Evenstar recommended that 4th dimensional slice, I’ve been able to use it in practice without destroying my desk.”
She looked at me with a wry smile. “Want to see it in action?”
“Would I!?” I shouted. My injury quickly reminded me that enthusiastic comments tend to lift your eyebrows. I quickly grimaced as my pain flared once more.
“Maybe you should just relax.”
“Yeah,” I said as I laid my head back on the pillow and let my eyes drift close. “I probably should.” I wanted to watch her work, but my body would only allow me to watch the insides of my eyelids.
That’s when I heard it, a light tap pierced the silence. It was the same tap that the rest of the class had used when they built their mental worlds. “Amethyst?”
I heard her let out a disgruntled sigh. “What?”
“Sorry for interrupting, but could you… Could you describe your process? I did come here to get caught up with the rest of you guys.”
“Oh… uhh… I’m not very good at describing how I do it, but I can give it a try.”
The chair creaked as she set herself down once more and began to build her world. “So… I start with making sure my working dimension is isolated. Any defect in the matrix would render my spells inaccurate.
“I’ll be working with a section that is about the size of my desk for this mental experiment. The larger it is, the more likely I’ll mess something up in its development. So, as always, I’ll create a point.”
I did the best I could to follow in her hoofsteps. A small white dot appeared in the blackness of my eyelids.
“Okay, now that the zero point has been established, I need to construct the first dimension. Since we’re working with the table I’ll set that distance equal to its width.”
This one I had trouble with. I didn’t know what to do since I didn’t have a ruler to measure either the desk or my mental world. I now know that the measurements were arbitrary, but then I believed that they were required to exact.
Before I could construct that first line, Amethyst continued on. “Alright, so I have one line of 10 points that is roughly equal the width of the desk, so I’ll go ahead and construct another line perpendicular to that one with 10 points again to create a square. Now that I have my 2 dimensional grid I can expand it into the third dimension. I’d like some extra space to work, but the more volume it occupies, the more calculations I have to perform. I’ll bring it 5 points high, bringing my total point count to 500. Now, because of Evenstar’s recommendation, I’m going to have to build into the 4th dimension. Luckily I only need one parallel, but that will double my point count.”
Amethyst let out a sigh. “That’s going to take a lot of number crunching,” she muttered as she tapped the desk. “Alright, let’s start with the easy stuff… All points, all values, are zero.”
By now, as you can probably assume, my mind was acutely focused on her words. For some reason I couldn’t get enough of her voice as she called out the various tasks she had to perform to create her force field. I was broken free of my trance as I heard the shuffling of paper from her desk. I struggled to roll my head in her direction and as I did, I realized her frantic work. Floating before her were four large pages with four quills simultaneously striking down information in sloppy characters.
“All points zero… four dimensions…” she whispered as she stared at the four pages before her. It was quite the spectacle, seeing her so intently focused on her work.
“Alright!” she declared as she let the quills fall to their respective reservoirs. “Now that the points are all grounded, let’s begin the fun part.” I could sense a bit of sarcasm in her voice.
“So, we have a grid with an origin at the center of the x and y plane and at the bottom of the matrix. To make my force field, I need to figure out the magical densities at every single one of those points. Before I can do that, I need to figure out how large my field is going to be.
“I’ll start with the exclusion zone. It needs to be 2 units less than that of the main radius, otherwise the force field will have holes in it. By starting with the exclusion zone, I won’t destroy the object I’m trying to protect. I’ll go ahead and define my radius as 3, that way a radius of 5 will be usable for the shell.”
Another flurry of papers signaled her continued work in the realm of reality. This time, she only lifted one page and quickly drew a grid onto its surface. “Alright, starting with a radius of 5, I need to figure out which points will actually have the solid in them. The radius of my inner circle is three and the outer is five…” Her voice trailed off as she began tracing the two circles and circling the dots between them. It was obviously a painstaking process, but the reward was well worth the work.
Now, I will have to show some restraint, but instead of droning on about how she found each individual point I will provide a brief summary. She found the points between the circles and gave them a value of 1 MMU to construct what is known as a magic barrier. (Without going into too much detail here, this is a magic mass unit. It’s the same thing you commonly use when constructing solids out of magic. This, however, was still highly developmental at the time and its similarities to the modern aMMU are outweighed by its differences.) Regardless, she continued with this system, filling several pages worth of notes in order to create the shell. It took nearly 2 hours for her complete the indescribably arduous process and we were both exhausted by the time she finished.
“Finally!” she roared as she rose from her desk. “All of these equations are correct and I can actually cast the spell.”
Needless to say, I was extremely excited. The hours of preparation and the countless weeks she had spent honing her process were about to come to fruition right before my eyes.
Without a word, Amethyst let her eyes close as her horn began to glow. A faint purple light muted the yellow and began to fill the room as she let herself flow into her work. Her mouth moved ever so slightly as she began to recite the incantation to summon the complex equations to reality.
It was beautiful to me, watching magic unfolding in such a natural way. Amethyst was completely focused on her work, that much was obvious, but what I didn’t know was the complexity of her thoughts at that time. As I know now, her tranquil exterior belied the chaotic thoughts and processes firing away in her mind. It took little concentration to cast a simple spell, but the incantation she was creating wasn’t optimized. While most unicorns could easily perform much more complex tasks, she hadn’t yet spent the time to write the complicated spell down and instead spent most of her time working through equations to cast it. This was magic in the raw, and it was my first experience with such a world.
It took several minutes for the shell to form on the desk. As the first few segments were laid out on the wooden surface, I began to realize that my assumptions about magic in general were grossly fanciful. Instead of a uniform shell, the spell was creating blocks. Each one was placed according to the mathematics behind each of those point definitions she had slaved over.
As you can imagine, I was quite upset at the realization that the product wasn’t perfect, but when Amethyst spoke up once more, I was forced to suppress that thought as much as I could.
“Well?” she asked as she opened her eyes once more and looked to me. “What do you think?”
I’m not sure how I suppressed my disappointment, but somehow I managed to say, “That’s really impressive.” My traitorous tone belied my words.
“Isn’t it!” She exclaimed. “I’ve been working on this spell for about 6 months now. Hopefully I’ll be able to fill in those gaps before the end of the semester.”
I looked at the unsightly pixelated blob on her desk. It was obviously well constructed, but I could not bring myself to get over the massive limitations of her incantation. “How long will that take?”
“Fixing it will mean I have to close myself in my room for an entire day to crunch numbers. It should take a couple days to complete, but I think I may be able to skip class in a few days to start.”
It was obvious she was focused on the mindset of constructing with cubes. I just wanted to give her a different option, a new way she could approach her work. So I opened my mouth once more, just one time more than I should have. “What about trying something different than cubes?” I asked as I looked at the glowing purple shell.
I saw it waver once.
“What do you mean?”
“Well,” I started as I looked to her, “What if you made it out of triangles or something?” I immediately realized I had made a horrible mistake.
“Starswirl, now you’re not a unicorn so I can’t expect you to know this…”
I’m not going to lie, that statement was pretty scathing.
“but I’m using magic barriers in my mathematics. Magic barriers must be created using unit lengths that are normal to each other. There is no possible way to make a slanted line, it just doesn’t work.” Her tone was matter of fact, and I should have accepted her words as such, but something inside of me wasn’t going to settle for that explanation.
I should have stopped, I shouldn’t have pried further, but I wanted to be right. I wanted to make a difference and fix a problem that was so blatantly obvious to me. “Why though? Why can’t you just make some lines slanted? I don’t see that being too much of a challenge.”
I’m not sure if her eye twitched, or the disappearance of her shell cast a deceptive shadow across her face. All I knew was that a fear washed over me as she spoke once more. “Do you really want to know the reason why I have to work with magic barriers?” She asked, her voice was more pointed than a sword. I knew this wasn’t going to end well.
My response was only silence.
“The magic barrier unit was developed a decade ago and it revolutionized magic as we know it. The day after it was published in the Journal of Magic, it was on the front page of every news outlet in Equestria. It brought a revolution in magic that completely changed our perspective on what we accomplish. New laws restricting its use were created to keep its power in check and to further the use of magic. The magic barrier unit is, and will always be, the most important development in the history of magic. That is why I use it.”
Needless to say, I was shocked. I could tell she wasn’t pleased with my questioning, and luckily I decided to stop there. “Well,” I started with a yawn, “I should probably head back to my dorm. I need a chance to rest before tomorrow.”
The fire in her eyes dwindled to an ember as she looked at the bandage on my head. “Can you walk?”
I swung my legs from the bed and, once more, let my hooves take my weight. Now, I’m fairly certain I could have walked back to my dorm, but there was something inside of me that didn’t want to go. Despite our differences there was something comforting about the fact that I had someone to talk to. I wanted to spend time with somepony that was kind enough to keep me company. That was the main reason I pathetically stumbled to the ground when I stepped onto the book covered floor.
“Apparently not,” she said as she helped me back into her bed. “I guess you’re spending the night here.”
“You sure that’s okay?”
“It isn’t” amethyst responded without turning to me. “There’s a strict policy against bringing anyone to spend the night in our dorms.” She looked at me and frowned. It wasn’t an angry frown, but rather one that sang of deep thought.
“Oh…” I started as I shifted my weight off of the bed once more. “I should probably leave then.”
I could feel the conflict in her mind as she tried to piece together the words to express herself. I could tell she wanted to tell me something, but she just couldn’t bring herself to do so. So, I did the only thing that came to my mind: I asked a question. “Is something wrong?”
> XIV. Honesty
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Her lip began to tremble. I only noticed that small detail because she immediately bit it and turned back to the opposing wall to hide herself once more. She stood there for a moment, her back to me and the bed. I could almost feel her mulling ideas over in her head, weighing each outcome before addressing me once more. After several minutes of silence, her body rose as she drew in a deep breath.
“Starswirl, things aren’t okay.” Pain echoed from every syllable. She turned to look at me, and that was when I saw the tears streaming down her cheeks.
I didn’t have a response. This mare that was staring at me with tears in her eyes was completely foreign to me. I didn’t know if she was upset with herself, her situation, her new impromptu roommate, or all three at once. There was something about her that wanted to scream out something to me, but I couldn’t place my hoof on what it was. All I could do was sit there and wait for her to explain herself in a manner that I probably wouldn’t understand.
“I need to be honest with you,” she started with a sniffle. “I’m not a very social pony.”
I thought you were going to tell me something I didn’t know, my sarcasm quipped in the back of my mind.
“In fact, I’ve never had another pony in my room before…” She stood there for a moment, pounding her head as if the action would knock her thoughts into coherent phrases. “I… I really don’t know how to say this. I’m not good with words, I’m not good with other ponies, I’m just not really good at anything... I’m sorry Starswirl. I’m sorry for hitting you with my dictionary. I’m sorry for making you think I was somepony I wasn’t. I’m sorry for bringing you into my cluttered room. I’m sorry for shouting at you.” She bit her lip once more and continued. “I’m… I’m sorry for messing things up.” She closed her eyes and looked away, much in the same way I had when the dictionary threatened my livelihood earlier that night. It was a powerful gesture, one that I hadn’t expected from somepony like her.
“It’s okay…” I started, doing my best to reassure her of her perceived errors.
“It’s not, Starswirl. You’re lying in my bed with a bandage on a wound that I created because I thought I was somepony special. I had no reason to fire a book at your head, and I can only thank your earth pony skeleton for keeping it from killing you. This wasn’t supposed to happen like this. We were going to study magic together and I was going to feel like I was a good pony for once. I… I never meant for any of this to happen…”
I was at a total loss when she finished her apology. I wanted to speak, to tell her everything was alright, but the pressing issue was that I was going to keep throwing myself into a hole that she was only digging further. I needed to stay on the surface and offer her my help from above. That’s when I realized something about her statement.
“Amethyst,” I started as I propped myself up on the bed and stifled a wince. “You realize what you just said… right?”
“That I’m a failure at even having friends?” Her eyes were cast to the piles of books beneath her hooves.
“I’m in a bed, with a bandage on my head,” I started, trying to help her see what I was just beginning to realize.
“Yeah, because of me.”
“Exactly.” I was trying to be dramatic, to lure her into changing her train of thought, but she wasn’t following my lead.
“Yes, I already know, Starswirl,” she said with a sniffle “I put you there with that dictionary.”
“No… You put me here after I was hurt.”
“After I hurt you.”
“I don’t care who or what hurt me, Amethyst. As far as I can tell, I’m in a comfortable bed, I’m feeling better, I have a bandage around my wound, and the blood that covered my face is gone.”
I could see the gears in her mind turning once more. She was stuck deep in guilt, but I was determined to bring her out of it.
“Don’t you see? You may have messed things up for a bit, but you fixed them as best you could.”
“So what?”
“It proves you’re sorry, really and truly sorry.” I saw her eyes light up ever so slightly in the dim room. She was finally starting to catch on to my words. “I want you to know that I’m not mad… like, at all.”
“I just—”
“Amethyst,” I said, cutting her off from her own self-hatred. “I’m not mad at you. In fact, I’m really glad I got to see you today.”
She shook her head in disbelief. It wasn’t as though she couldn’t believe me, it seemed that she wouldn’t let herself believe it. “I don’t see why…”
“Then let me try to explain. When I came to this school, the only thing I had was myself. I was prideful, hateful, and a terrible pony all around. It wasn’t something I was proud of, but I was who I was. There wasn’t a reason I was so self-centered other than the fact that I was at college. You see… you represent something to me…”
Her ears twitched a bit and a smile flashed across her face. I had said something right.
“Well… I’m not sure how to say this, but you represent my future. I’m starting to see that I’m not the pony I want to be, and I… well I want to be more like you.”
“No you don’t…”
“Oh yes I do,” I declared. Her flinch told me that I may have spoken too powerfully, but I was focused and I wasn’t going to derail my train of thought. “You see, you’re studying magic, doing wonderful things on a regular basis to change the world in a way we never imagined before. I want to be a part of that, to be in a group that can make an impact on that. I guess… I guess I’m just figuring out who I want to be, and now I’m realizing that I want to be more like you…”
A heavy silence descended on the room as we both took in all the words that I had just said. I wasn’t amazing at putting my feelings into statements, but I had to do something. This was that something, that change that I wanted in my own life. I had never opened up to anypony in my life like that, but I still do not have words to properly describe the emotion that flowed over me as I sat there in the light of my own revelation.
“You don’t want to be like me, trust me. I’m nopony special, a dime a dozen. I’ve always been told I’m gifted, but that isn’t something new here. Here, at this school, I’m normal. I’m not heralded for being great; in fact, everything I do is just mediocre. I can’t control my emotions well, I can’t keep myself from doing dumb things, hell, I can’t even say what I want to sometimes. I look at every pony else, including you, and I see ponies who want to have it all, and they truly have the power to, but I can’t. Everything was given to me and I have nowhere to climb.”
I was shocked to say the least. I thought she had some sense of satisfaction for being so gifted, but all she felt was grief. It was such a powerful prospect to see someone so gifted so sad, so I didn’t truly believe it. Of course if you asked me at the time if I had, I would have said yes, but honestly I still set her as my motivation to continue on pursuing a life that she lived instead of my own.
I never would have thought that the top would still have some desire to be better than they ever could be. I wanted so desperately to be where she was and yet she wanted to be where I was. I despise myself now for not heeding her unintended warning, it might have truly changed my life…
“Amethyst?” I asked, trying to break the silence.
“Yeah?” she asked with a sigh.
“I’m going before the council tomorrow. I’ve been trying to get into the Advanced Theoretical Magic degree here on campus, but I’m really nervous. I don’t have many ponies here that would understand my reason for asking this question, but would you… um… would you want to come with me to the assembly tomorrow? I mean you’re my only real friend on campus to be honest, I don’t think anypony else here knows me very well.” I felt as though I were shrinking into the bed as I spoke those words. I had put myself, and Amethyst, in a very tricky situation.
Her face lit up for just a moment before she swallowed her welling emotions. “I would.”
The softness of her voice caught me off guard. It was as though she had, in one short statement, put her self-hatred away for a moment. I felt a calming wave of reassurance wash over me as let out the breath I had been holding. I had somepony who supported me, for the first time in my life I had a peer who was on my side.
“So… What are you going to do exactly?” she prodded.
A small smile spread across my lips as I gestured toward my saddlebag that sat on a pile of books. “Can you get the letter out of there?”
“Oh, sure!” she said, rather excitedly for a pony simply retrieving a piece of paper from a bag. As she dug around in my pack, I couldn’t help but focus on her once more. I noticed that her posture had changed, she was casual, almost physically happy about what had just taken place. Maybe she had just let a burden off of her back too. The page floated toward me and I pulled it from the air.
“It just says I’m supposed to meet them in the Assembly at 4:00 tomorrow.”
“Wait,” she said as she abruptly took the page from my grasp. “You mean they didn’t tell you to make a presentation of any kind?”
“I don’t think so… Why?”
“All candidates for the Advanced Theoretical Magic degree have to perform their skills in magic, you know to prove that they’re as good as they say.”
“Oh…” I said as my mind immediately flashed to what might happen before that group of ponies. “Did you do one?”
“Yeah, I did a simple spell to lift something from their desk. They were unimpressed until I told them about how it worked.” She seemed proud of herself, not arrogantly mind you, but as though she looked back on that time with a feeling of a job well done.
I waved my hoof over my forehead and frowned. “Well what can I do?”
“Hmmm…” she hummed as she brought her hoof to her chin. “What could you do… Well, what can you do?”
“I can… uhh… I can make 3 mental dimensions and then put dots in them and spin them around in a circle. That basically comprises all of my knowledge of magic, swirling stars.”
“Alright,” she said as she stepped to her desk with an energy that surprised me. “What exactly can you do to impress the council?” The question was rhetorical, but I knew what she was trying to do. She wanted to let the world know her questions, because I did the same thing.
“You can build mental dimensions, you can place dots in them, and you can describe them.”
“Describe them?”
“Remember that time you were in our class and Evenstar had you describe your world to us? Well, the next class, when you weren’t there, he spent at least 10 minutes lecturing us on how to properly describe a mental world. You see, we leave so much out because we’re taught how to perform magic all our lives, we live in this mindset that we’re limited. However, you don’t see the limits because you were never told there were any. He couldn’t shut up about how to ‘build a dimension like an earth pony.’”
I was shocked. “So because I don’t know anything, I have an advantage?”
“Well, it sounds better when you say it like that, but yeah… You don’t know anything and therefore no one’s told you not to dare to do the impossible.” She looked at me and paused. “You’ve really left an impression on Evenstar. That’s not an easy thing to do.”
I can only say that I am thankful nopony told me about this when I was still overtly arrogant as it would have easily inflated my head to dangerous levels.
“I’m honored,” I said as truthfully as I could. “I really like Evenstar.”
“A lot of ponies do. He’s one of those professors that you just can’t get mad at.”
“Alright,” I started as I tried to bring the topic back to the presentation. “Let’s talk about this presentation.”
“We have been…” Amethyst said with a wry smile. “You realize that Evenstar is part of the Council, right?”
“What!?” I shouted with a whisper. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“No… Evenstar is one of the greatest minds in magic right now, there’s no way they wouldn’t let him on the Council.”
“So you’re saying…”
“I’m saying I’m going to be excited to see you in my major come Monday.”
I was about to explode from excitement. This was amazing news for me. I was getting an assurance that I was about to complete one of the largest goals I had ever set for myself. “So… All I need to do is explain myself to the board?”
She shrugged. “Yeah, they’re pretty receptive to any new candidates coming into the magic program. They love being able to pad the numbers for the major, and we’re seeing record ones this year. We’re the number one magical school in all of Equestria right now. We’re pushing boundaries that no one else had even thought of.”
At this point I was basically drooling over her words. I wanted to be a part of this magnificent field and I truly felt as though I had a shot at it. I wanted it to change for the better, and the hope at the end of the tunnel was growing brighter every second.
Amethyst and I worked early into the morning, going over what to say and what not to say as I came before the Council. If there was something she knew, it was professionalism. For some reason, that pony had a switch she could throw and become a completely different mare fit for a magical exposition for the entirety of the world. We worked hard together, perfecting what to say regarding magic, me, the school, and the future of Equestria. The university wanted visionaries, ponies who dared to dream beyond any boundary they saw. They wanted a brighter future for the world that would bring about a new era of magic and a revolution of the world. To them, the next great magical mind was sitting in one of their classes, and they were going to push him or her to become the most powerful magician to ever walk the face of the world.
There was nothing in my mind that told me I wasn’t fit for that task. I was going to pursue that dream with every ounce of my being. I was going to change the world, and no pony was going to tell me otherwise.
	

> XV. Entrance
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	“Are you ready?” Amethyst asked as we stood before the massive doors of the union.
The word ‘nervous’ would not begin to describe the emotions that coursed through my veins like lightning, but I still responded with, “Absolutely”
“Alright then,” Amethyst said as she gestured to the door, "lead the way!”
We had come a long way from the night before. The wound on my head had devolved into an unsightly bruise, and I could cover with my mane. My adrenaline squashed any pain that rushed from my forehead, and I had somepony by my side who wanted to succeed as much as I did. I was thankful for Amethyst, and I really wish I had taken the time to let her know before we stepped into the Union. This was a time for me to pave my own destiny, to write my own story, I really wished I had written her in as well.
I pushed the doors open with enough force for them to bounce on the walls with a loud knock. Luckily, I was too determined to see the angry glares from the unicorns who were changing classes. I was on my way to the Assembly, and no pony was going to get in my way… as long as I could find it. For a brief moment, I felt a twinge of fear as I realized that I didn’t have a clue where the assembly was, or if it even was a room, but Amethyst trotted past with an equal amount of determination.
“It’s this way, you can’t miss it,” she said as she cantered by. I quickly matched her gait and trotted through the mass of unicorns that filled the union.
It felt as though the entire group was pushing themselves aside, parting the waters as it were to make way for us. We wore confidence on our face and the intimidating stare of inevitability we bore pushed the ponies on our sides to either side of the hall. The Union represented the world that I would soon be a part of, and this was my main entrance. I was going to make a huge impact and change the world, and I was going to be part of these ponies that stood around me. It was invigorating, and the power that flowed through my veins in those few steps through the crowd has remained unrivaled in my life. This was the time when my entire future was settled in my own mind, all I had to do was exist and I was going to become one of the great names in magic.
As we broke through the other side of the crowd a few seconds later, we were greeted by a magnificently inorganic hallway. The passage stretched deep into the Union. At the end I could make out two massive oaken doors. They almost seemed out of place in the swirled white marble and deep purple accents of the sterile building, but they held their own meaning. As I neared them, I noticed the reliefs that had been etched into their surfaces. They were depictions of the great conquests of magic in the past. They started with the earliest known magicians and showed detailed scenes of every achievement that had revolutionized the world of magic. One space, however, was completely barren. I made a point, in that moment, to have my image graven into that door one day. I wanted to be part of the impeding revolution that Amethyst had talked about nearly nonstop the night before.
If Amethyst hadn’t stopped me, I would have collided with that empty spot on the door, ironically fulfilling my newfound dream. “Easy there,” she said as she pushed me back a bit. “Alright, Starswirl… Remember what we talked about last night?”
“Every last word of it.” I wanted to sound as confident as I felt, but I didn’t honestly remember every word.
“Excellent. I’ll wait right outside expecting a hug.” Her declaration cracked at the mention of physical contact.
I didn’t question it, I wasn’t too aware of the implication anyway, I simply said, “I’ll be out in a few minutes. This shouldn’t take long.”
I stepped in front of the doors and placed my hooves on the panels. Before I threw the doors open, I looked to the walls. The hinges were on the outside. I let snickered as I placed my hooves into the handles and backed up a step. This is it… I thought as I pulled the two doors open.
Everything slowed down as I opened the final barrier to my new life. This was who I truly wanted to be, who I truly aspired to be. I was ready to take on the impossible and change my life.

> XVI. The Assembly
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	The room was one of the most intimidating things I have ever seen. The way it was constructed intentionally drew on the power that the Council had vested in them. The entire room was round, putting the doors, and any who came through them, in the very focus of the circle. The Council sat with their backs against the rounded wall, with a singular arcing table between me and them. Frosted skylights behind each one of the members cast eerie outlines of light around their otherwise dark figures. I couldn’t make out Evenstar’s face against the overpowering light of the pure white sky outside. I was standing in front of the most powerful figures in the school, and all of their eyes were on me.
They oversaw every operation at the university, they had the authority to shut down an entire division with no notice. They were gods to me. My confidence immediately set up its defenses as I cleared my throat to draw their attention. Just keeping my cool would be a challenge in this place.
“Greetings,” one of the figures said with a deep resonating voice. His salutation caught me off guard and I snapped my attention to the figure who sat in the center of the ring. I was extremely nervous, but I was equally confident. I felt like a cat, both predator and prey to the council that sat above.
“Hello,” I declared. I had to be concise and not lose their interest with needless words.
The figure spoke up once more. “Your name is Starswirl and you are considering a change of major from Cereal Production to Advanced Theoretical Magic, are you not?”
“That is correct,” I said with a firm yet subtle nod of my head.
“If I said this was a routine change of major I would be lying. I have never had a unicorn first choose Cereal Production as a major, only to change to Advanced Theoretical Magic.”
“Sir,” I started with every bit of confidence I could muster, “I am not a Unicorn. I am an Earth Pony. I am changing my major because I believe that I have a future in the field of magic.” My ears were ringing from the adrenaline, but I believe I heard a stifled snicker after I completed my statement. My confidence cracked.
“So you are an Earth Pony trying to get into the field of Magic?” another voice asked. “What brought you to this decision?”
“I entered the Union a few weeks ago and attended professor Evenstar’s class on Advanced Theoretical magic. He gave me a book called Tabula Rasa and encouraged me to build my own mental dimensions.
“That night, I created a world to the third dimension, placed several points in the space, and let the world that I created spin. I later found out that my cutie mark bears a representation of this very act.” I was confident that the mention of my own destiny would bring them to the same conclusion I firmly believed in.
“I think I’ve heard enough,” the first voice said. I could sense a bit of consternation in his tone, as though he was upset that I was in his presence. “Your request to enter the School of Magic to pursue a degree in Advanced Theoretical Magic has been denied. We also have reports that you have been skipping classes to attend lectures in the Union. As this action is punishable by expulsion, you are hereby restricted from this building.”
My confidence was no more. “What?”
“Do I need to repeat myself? The Council has rejected your request, there will be no further discussion.”
“With all due respect, you’re making a mistake.” I wanted them to see the future that I had so clearly seen just moments ago. I was going to make a difference in the world because I had no boundaries before me.
“Starswirl, you are hereby ordered to leave!” The shout would have sent shivers down my spine on any other day, but today I was more headstrong than ever.
“You must understand that I have a unique advantage over the rest of the students in the Union. I am not hindered by the boundaries that all unicorns have put themselves into. I have more potential to conjure up more magic inside of my mind than any one of you could ever dream!” At this point, as you can probably imagine, I was furious. The emotions that surrounded me were completely indescribable beyond a sense of heightened rage and terror. I wanted to lash out, to attack the barrier that stood in front of me as the ghastly pale outline of the council. However, it made the first strike.
“Heed my words, Earth Pony, your place is not here. You provide the world with food and nothing more. Magic is not for your kind, nor is farming for the likes of mine. You will do as all others you have: you will till the ground, bear a harvest, and die. It is part of who you are, and it isn’t something you can change. There is no opportunity here for you aside from failure and humiliation. This isn’t part of the world you can imagine, just as yours is a part I cannot imagine. We separate ourselves for the good of us all, and this world will benefit from your work. You have a future, Starswirl, but don’t dream of the impossible, for it will only crush you.
“If you do not learn this simple fact, you have no business being in this school at all. Now, I implore you, continue with your studies in Cereal Production, you have a future there, an opportunity to achieve the greatness you so truly desire. This decision isn’t debatable, and trust us, it’s for your own benefit. You are not to enter the Union again.”
At that time, I felt only my heartbeat. In a simple statement, the Council had told me directly that my destiny was to be lesser than the rest of the world. It was my greatest fear, one that I hadn’t even believed would have been possible only moments before. The only thing I could muster in response was, “I understand. Thank you for your time.” And with that, I turned to the massive doors and stepped back into the world outside.

> XVII. Anger
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I felt nothing as I left that room. No anger, no bitterness, no words were flashing through my mind, I simply stared toward the end of the hallway and quietly walked forward. The world seemed distant and cold. My vision blurred as each pulse of my heart coursed through my body, it was the only sensation I could truly feel. Everything was silent, the world seemed still, and my emotions were numb.
Each hoofstep I placed as I walked toward the door felt impossibly small. I couldn’t let my mind think about anything aside from the patterns forming in the world as I slowly plodded through it. Everything was in order, every door, every flag, even the massive purple stripe that ran through the center of the carpet was without defect. There was nothing wrong with this place that I had wanted to join.
Amethyst trotted to my side and tried to say something, but it was lost in the deafening beating of my heart. The only reason I knew she was there was because of the imperfection she made as her purple form trotted into my view. She tried to get my attention, to get me to respond to her existence, but I simply continued to walk.
I really can’t say much as for how I felt as I walked out of that place. Having my dreams crushed so absolutely had left me in a place of utter devastation. The sole reason I had come to wake up that morning was the thought that I was going to change the world, to be something great, and I had unequivocally been told that my dreams were impossible. Sure I had broken barriers before, but they were always barriers that I had been able to break. Now, when I was meet with the greatest barrier of them all, I had failed to do anything but walk away. Those two paragraphs spoken by that ghastly figure had completely destroyed my sense of power, and any hope I had of fulfilling my dreams.
Before I knew what had happened, Amethyst had disappeared and I had exited the Union for the last time. The sensation that finally pulled me out of my trance was the sound of the two Union doors closing behind me. The last seconds I had spent taking
Despite my newfound awareness of the world around me I was still ignorant of the reality of my situation. I had failed, I had come so far only to have my dream, my destiny, turned down with two paragraphs.
The autumn air sent a chill down my spine as I started toward my dorm. I had no reason to do so, but something inside of me said I should return to where I came from. I lusted after that dark seclusion, to be away from that group of ponies that surrounded the mall of my school and instead dwell in the isolation to be alone with my thoughts. I wanted to retreat to the only place I knew wouldn’t attack me, the only world that wouldn’t try to destroy me. However, I know that my retreat was to a world that was crumbling at best.
As I stepped into my room, closed the door, and sat down at my desk, memories began to trickle into my mind. Everything was pale white, almost as though a strike of lightning had been frozen in time. I remembered the time I had started that taxing journey into my own mental realm. It was a time when I could truly experience the world as I wanted it to be. However, for some reason, I was unable to focus on anything what I had done that night. I was retreating, in a sense, into the dimension that I had made. The stars that plotted themselves against the void of my mind spun in a never ending spiral that seemed to bring some solace to my mind. It was peaceful, something that I could spend hours in.
I started focusing on each point, trying to figure out everything I could simply from its motion. They moved in a group, that much was obvious, but more than that was the fact that they all rotated around the origin. They were all focused on something, reliant on a single point in space to give them a sense of stability.
Part of me began to identify with those small swirling stars, and that is when everything began to cascade before my eyes.
The points themselves, at the introduction of my own instability, began to change their previous velocity. Instead of a circle, they began to shake along their paths, bending and warping their forms across thousands of new trajectories. It was collapsing, my world was crumbling.
My eyes shot open as they tore themselves from their interdependence and scattered into the void. That construct that I had spent hours working on had vanished right before my eyes.
“It’s over…” I whispered as I looked at my untidy desk. Without even thinking I had begun to straighten the objects on its surface. I was grasping for any semblance of control I could have on my life. At this point, anything to represent a facet of control would have been the most welcomed relief imaginable, but fate dictated that there were none. According to my own distraught mind, the objects on my desk could not be aligned properly.
I went through several iterations of arrangement, but I always landed back to the same issue with a large white space lying somewhere on its surface. I must have spent hours cleaning that desk, and it took a large amount of time for me to finally address the problem. I was out of control, I had been bested by the society I was trying so hard to destroy. I had failed at the one thing I had told myself I couldn’t have. I wasn’t prepared for the nightmare that I had been faced with.
As these thoughts rolled through my mind, I began to realize that I was, once again, delaying the inevitable. In my own sense of self-importance I had delayed the inevitable. I kept telling myself that ignoring the problem would make it go away for good, but unfortunately this was not the case. I was stuck with a life that I didn’t want to lead and there was no escape from it. I wanted so desperately to escape from the trap I was in, I had told myself that it was possible, and now I realized that I had nothing once more. I was in a world of emptiness and regret with no way out.
I tried as hard as I could to stave off the emotions that began to arise after that realization hit me, but I was powerless against the onslaught. I felt a new power, one that brought me to my hooves once more. My mind flashed with an intense surge of indistinguishable emotion. Everything I should have felt as I left the Union flowed into my veins as I imagined that ghostly figure standing in the center of the Assembly’s table. As these images rolled through my mind, the pencil I was moving to reorganize the desk hit the edge. The lead tip struck the wood and cracked. It was a small sign that I still had one more vestige of power.
I am both proud and ashamed to say this was the one time I truly experienced unbridled rage.
I slowly rose from desk, the ringing in my ears was deafening, but the sadistic grin that was growing across my face felt powerful. I still cannot explain why I was so ready to attack the world around me, to assault the only place I had for solace, but in the end it didn’t matter.
I started small, methodically breaking each tip of each pencil in sequence. I liked it, destroying things on my own will, it gave me power. It made me feel like a stallion again. However, that euphoria I experienced only drove my hunger for more destruction.
I took the small pencil in my hooves, brought it to my face, and sadistically snapped it in half. I then violently tossed the pencil against the wall, but it struck with a sound that was unsatisfactory to my reeling mind. I wanted to make something hurt as much as I had been hurt. Thank Celestia I wasn’t around anypony else at that time.
I grabbed one of the books that sat on my desk. It was my Agriculture 101 textbook. With a loud shout and a powerful strike, I sent the text flying across the room. Several more followed as I began clearing my desk of the life that I had been told to follow. I wanted blood, I wanted pain, and the small dents that were forming in the walls were evidence of my release. With each toss of a book my shouts grew louder.
Now, as I can quite clearly recall what was spoken during that period of rage, I will not repeat myself. Suffice to say that I made up a few creative combinations of common curses because those that existed were simply too standard to express my pain.
The furniture followed soon after. Earth ponies harbor considerable strength, and this made me a formidable opponent against anything that wasn’t bolted to the floor. Throwing the bookcase, seeing the chaos of the books flail through the air, hearing the resounding crash as the wood struck the wall, seeing the destruction I could cause was euphoric for me. The hole that the bookshelf gouged from the wall became my target for my next projectile: my desk. It was much heavier, and the challenge it afforded to me was something that drove me to propel it faster than I knew was possible toward the wall. It struck with a force an order of magnitude higher than the shelves, and it was beautiful to me. I cannot describe how I felt during that time, but being able to control everything around me really was spectacular.
By now, as you can probably imagine, my room was a complete wreck. Books were scattered over the floor, their pages partially torn from the chaos that had thrown them through the room. The desk and bookcase lay in the corner, their edges splintering from the force they had endured. Nothing but me ruled the room. Everything was going to be right where I wanted it to be, and that was in misery. I turned my hungered rage toward the one remaining piece of furniture that was untouched: my bed.
In my now dwindling rage, I stumbled over to the bed, grabbed the two bottom legs and dragged it across the room. The squeal the wood made as it was dragged over the tile sounded like it’s final cry for help. It begged me to spare it just as I had in the Assembly, but with less dignity. It was an evil I never wish to experience again, being satisfied at the final cries of something. I never wanted to be that kind of pony, but rage drove me as I pulled the bed across the room to the window. I used my back leg to break the glass. The violent shattering sound satisfied some deep urge in my soul. A few shards stuck into my flesh, but the pain only fueled my hatred more.
Fueled by the greatest hatred of my life, I lifted the two back legs, pushed them out of the window, and kicked the entire bed out of the window.
I slowly walked to the window and peered toward my dying victim. The sight I saw, however, was one that immediately changed my demeanor. I saw the sheet floating above the clouds below the school. I had thrown my bed off of a mountain. That was a sobering realization as I watched it plummet through the clouds.
In that moment, I remembered the pages that had flown out of the room when I had opened Evenstar’s window. I looked back to my room, my sadistic rage switched to a sinking guilt as I looked at the damage. I had destroyed everything in sight.
> XVIII. Aftermath
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I drew in a sharp breath as I surveyed the destruction I had wrought. It was horrifying to see the chaos that I had caused by my own hooves. Everything sat in disarray, nothing was in its place. There was a powerful hatred that had passed through this room that seemed so foreign to me now as my adrenaline subsided. I couldn’t tell you how long I had been so blindly guided by rage, but it felt as though everything had passed in an instant.
The room was a mess, and my mind began to think, once more, of the only grips I had on reality that were slipping away into the void. The world was quickly drifting into the hopelessness that I had fought so desperately to push out of my life. Just a few months ago, I had focused my attention on fixing my room, repairing it into something that I could be proud of, and in a blind moment of rage I had destroyed that very purpose.
Shame and guilt washed over my mind as I looked toward the desk that lay half broken in the corner. Just from shear rage I had thrown it clear across the room, targeting the already weakened wall. That desk… that was the first place I had considered that my life may have a future outside of the hell that was cereal production. I wanted to be something greater than just a farmer, more than just a caretaker of the land. I wanted to make an impact on society that would help generations of ponies for decades to come, but now all I could do was let myself drift into the darkness of my future. The desk was all but destroyed.
“Wait,” I muttered as I stepped toward the desk. Something inside of me sparked, tried to grasp onto that feeling of hope once more. It was my final stand to find that small bit of life that I so desperately craved. “Maybe I can fix this…”
I remember kneeling down next to the splintered pile of wood, picking up each piece in an attempt to recover the desk that had meant so much to me. I wanted to fix it, to bring back that life that I had almost had. I was willing to work to resolve the issues that the world had brought to me, to repair myself and to bring myself back to that hope that I so desperately needed to stay stable. I was grasping for anything, and the ruined desk caught my attention first.
I had never worked with wood before, but I had a general idea of how things could be mended. I figured that if I could just put the pieces of that splintered desk back together I could somehow make my own life better as well. I needed that hope, I needed that sense of assurance that everything was going to be okay.
I pulled the large flat wooden panel that had served as the desk’s surface from the pile. It was intact, mostly. There was a nasty crack that ran through its center, but other than that it was structurally sound. I gently placed it to the side and withdrew the legs from the pile and assessed their damage. To my surprise, the wood held up quite well compared to my fears. I placed them on the desk’s surface and turned my attention to the remains of the drawer. It was in the worst condition of the items, as it had come free of the table in the air and struck the wall alone. It’s four sides were separated from it’s base, and the wood that served as the bottom was split through its center.
“Alright,” I muttered as I withdrew the disassembled drawer from the pile and set it aside. “I can do this… I can fix this…”
I pushed aside the clutter that covered the floor and began to inspect the pieces of the table. The joints for the legs had cracked from their initial holding, but they could still support weight. It was a start, but I quickly realized that repairing the desk would be a monumental task.
Come on, Starswirl, Think! I tried to encourage myself, but the words did little to help me as I began to second guess the placement of the legs on the desk. It wasn’t a difficult task, mind you, but I wanted to put it back exactly the way it had been before my rampage. I knew it wouldn’t be perfect, but I was going to make sure it was good enough.
I needed something to stick it together, a glue or a fastener or something. It wasn’t a sudden realization, but one I had been avoiding for a very specific reason. I didn’t want to have to leave my room until I was finished resolving the problems that I had caused. I wanted to be focused, free of distraction, and retrieving anything outside of my room meant breaking my immediate attention from the project set before me. I was going to make things right, and that ultimatum came with a clause: I wasn’t going to leave my room until that task was completed.
I wish I had taken a moment to think about what had happened, to realize the truth of the situation. I was trying so hard to fit myself into a box that I couldn’t possibly live in. I wanted to break society’s rules, to tell them they were wrong, while remaining inside of that trap that society had established. In a way, I was trapped in that room the same way. I wouldn’t let myself leave, despite knowing it was an answer to my problems. I didn’t want to rely on anything but society, but I also wanted to break free of it. I was playing by the rules of a game that I was destined to loose.
Instead of acquiring wood glue, a proper toolset, or any assistance from the outside, I focused my attention on making everything myself. I found a small length of metal in that pile of wood as I tried to find something to resolve my problem. However, I was still refusing to accept the reality placed before me. I didn’t have the proper tools to reconstruct anything I had destroyed in that room. That realization, however, was completely lost on me as I tried, in vain, to procure nails from the surface of the table with that length of metal. I had no idea of the procedure to fix the desk, but I knew I could try something.
As you can imagine, my efforts to remove the nails resulted in several gouges in the wood. I tried my best to keep the destruction of the desk to a minimum, but my attempts were only met with more damage than had already been made.
I spent hours on the nails alone, eventually prying each one free of its wooden grip and bending several beyond their function. It was a nightmare, I couldn’t help but destroy the one thing I was trying to fix because I couldn’t bring myself to leave that room. Now, there was no guarantee that I would have been able to fix the desk with the proper tools, but that is only because I never went out and sought help. I thought I could do it on my own, that I could repair the desk to its original function, but as I worked into the evening it became blatantly obvious that I could not.
I assembled the desk back together after several hours of work, however the damage I had put it through to restore it was much worse than the damage it had taken when striking the wall. I had worked hard, diligently hammering at the nails to secure the legs once more, but I wasn’t able to bring them perfectly flush to the surface as they had once been. Many still stuck from the top as though a child had tried to restore it, but I was blindly satisfied with its reconstruction. I placed the desk back in its original location and turned my attention to the shelf.
It had fared a bit better than the desk itself, but there was still quite a few hours ahead to restore it. My makeshift hammer was twisting under its lengthy misuse but that did not stop me from continuing on with my quest. The shelf was a bit more straightforward than the desk as it had been assembled primarily with gravity for anything but the frame, but I was ready to start work once again.
I removed the nails, carefully avoiding the same level of damage that I had given to the desk during the same process. It took a bit longer, but I was able to keep the surface free of unsightly gouges this time. That put my mind at ease as I placed the panels of wood atop one another and began driving the nails through the holes once more. Securing the wood was slightly therapeutic to me. Repairing the damage as best I could was something that made me feel a bit less terrible about the actions that had unfolded in those moments of rage.
I worked late into the night, trying my best to restore everything I could using the rudimentary methods that I had developed. I figured that any work was good work, and it kept my mind repeating a similar theme throughout. I kept telling myself that everything would be okay, that maybe the council would change their mind, that there was a chance for me to change my life once more. I wanted that hope to return, so I drove a hole through reality to let the light in. I was grasping for something that simply could not exist.
“Maybe I can go back to them again…” I muttered to myself as I hammered a particularly straight nail into the shelf. “Maybe that was a test to see how I would react to their rejection. All I have to do is go back to them and prove to myself that they’re going to want me in their program. Maybe all of this is just a dream.”
The hole in my reality grew wider and wider, I was grasping at a light that simply wasn’t there, but at least it made my room look nice again. I was fixing my room and simultaneously trying to piece my life back together in order to keep my own security. I wanted to change, I wanted to be somepony different, I still had the thought that maybe, just maybe, I could truly pursue my dreams.
As I placed the final book onto the shelf that now resided against the wall, I took a deep breath and turned to the room. The damage in the wall was still present, the marks on the desk were still just as obtrusive, but the room itself was finally reassembled. The trash from the floor had been removed, the pages of each book that had come loose had been placed back in their respective location, and the pencils that had been snapped in two had been sharpened and placed on the desk once more. It wasn’t pretty by any stretch of the imagination, but it was back together.
I sat down in the chair before my desk and withdrew a book from the small bookshelf at my side. I didn’t intentionally select An Introduction to Magic but as I realized what I had withdrawn, my heart immediately sank. The book was severely damaged. The hardback covers had been cracked and many pages were folded and torn.
I started to flip through the book, but that action brought my mind back to the night where I began to consider my change in destiny. It was devastating seeing the book that I didn’t own in complete disrepair. I had torn through it, trying to absorb what I could from i’s pages, but it was too far above my understanding for me to parse anything from its pages. I had been so eager, so ready to pursue magic in my own mind that I had simply cast it aside when I couldn’t understand what was on its pages.
Tonight, however, I looked through the text once more. Through the dim light of the candle my mind began to pull in bits and pieces of the information. I couldn’t help myself, I wanted to learn everything I could about the world of magic. It was a time when I truly felt like I was pursuing the life that I was destined to have. However, despite my hours of pouring my attention into that book, I began to realize the futility of my situation. I wasn’t able to justify my desires that I had pushed into my reality. I wasn’t able to grasp the hope that I so desperately needed. 
> XIX. Abandonment
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	That night was one of the most difficult nights of my life. As I rifled through those pages, trying so desperately to absorb what I could about magic, I came to the realization that my knowledge was nonexistent. Despite knowing full well that I was to pursue magic, I didn’t have a single idea on where to start. Even the book that was meant to be the most basic of introductions still flew over my head at a dizzying height. 	It was as though I were pursuing a life that I couldn’t even begin to imagine.
That’s when I realized how hopeless my situation truly was. I wasn’t ready to embark into this brave new world of magic, instead I was simply joining in on a pursuit that I knew nothing about. As I sat there, flipping through the mangled pages of that library book, I began to doubt everything that I had believed.
You’re destined to live in misery. The thought began to ring through my mind as I started focusing on every problem that I would never overcome. This life, this world that I so desperately wanted to enter was not only foreign, but now barred from me. I had been ordered to stay out of the union, the one place where I truly belonged. I yearned to join the classes on magic, to study with the greatest professors of my time to learn the secrets of the world. I wanted to be somepony that I wasn’t, and I was realizing that I would never become that pony.
I scanned to the end of the book and read the final conclusion.
This book has laid down many of the most basic principals of common magic. With this knowledge, you should be able to tackle the beginnings of magical theory with a basic understanding about the current thoughts on magic and its employment.
That was it. Nothing more than another open door in a hallway that I had been banned from. I couldn’t even begin to look into magic for myself, because I didn’t even know the basics. This small statement shook me to my core. I wanted to learn, but I was slowly realizing that what the Council had told me was completely true. I was on a plane lower than the unicorns, and their lifestyles were simply unattainable from my perspective. I had no reason to believe that I was going to be able to pursue anything more than a simple life in farming, but I wanted to so desperately.
But what about your cutie mark? What about your destiny? My mind began to urge me to consider the life that I had been so sure of earlier, but it only served to mock me more. This was something I wasn’t able to attain and I was realizing that simple fact.
“Your place is not here.” The words of the Council rang in my ears. This statement, this thought that I truly could not achieve what I wanted, was something that becoming my reality. I had no reason to believe that my life was to be any different than that of the other earth ponies around me. I had deceived myself into thinking that I was somepony special, that I had something that my peers did not. Well, I wasn’t wrong, I had stupidity. I was stupid enough to believe that I could somehow become great, that I would somehow be able to stand with the unicorns as an equal, but I quickly realized that the dream was just that, a dream. I would never become somepony who would break the boundaries of this world, to push the society that had assaulted me to my core. I had been, for all intents and purposes, defeated. This life, it was one that I couldn’t pursue.
That realization was what finally snuffed out my hope. Without that I had nothing. The false images of a future in magic in my mind 	vanished, and with that, so did my sense of being.
Part of me died that night, a part that I have never found several decades later. This wasn’t something that I wanted to lose, but as I discovered that the world had cheated me out of my one true desire, my view of the world changed. I let that hope go as I stared at that candle with tears streaming down my face. I let it fly away, never to truly be seen again. If I had one wish in life, it would be to regain that hope. For without it, I grew cold.
I took the book that sat before me, the one that had served as such an inspiration so long ago, and pushed it to the floor. I felt nothing as it bounced on the tile, I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. My future, as much as I despised it, lay in cereal production. I reached to the shelf once more, removed my Agriculture 101 book, and began to fill my mind with the statistics and data on crop rotation, fertilization, and environmental stasis. This was my life now. I was to be a tender of the land. Nothing more, nothing less.
> XX. Emptiness
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I ended up sleeping on the floor that night. My bed was gone as were most of my bedclothes, but I felt as though I deserved what had happened to me. I had pushed a boundary that shouldn’t have been broken, and now I was suffering the consequences. In a way, I deserved everything that had happened to me and more.
The night was restless as I battled away those fanciful thoughts of hope and force fed myself the words of the Council. I was to tend the land, nothing more, nothing less. The same phrase that had been shouted at me so violently on that first day of school.
The next morning I awoke with a terrible pain through my body. I had forgone dinner in order to repair my room and I was now suffering the effects of hunger. It took quite an effort to rise to my hooves and walk to the cracked mirror that hung on the wall. In it I could see shards of a pony that I didn’t quite recognize staring back at me. He was tired, his hair was matted, but there was something about his eyes that was the most telling. They seemed empty, like something had pulled the life from them only moments ago.
I couldn’t stare at that image for too long. The sadness that I felt in my soul was of a special flavor. I wanted to help him, of all things, to make the pain disappear from his face, but I knew I couldn’t. I couldn’t even help myself, let alone that figure that stared back at me.
I turned to the door, quickly shook my head free of any distractions, and stepped out into the hallway. A few ponies silenced themselves as I emerged from my cave. I assumed they had heard the crashes from the night before.
“You alright?” One of them asked.
I looked to them and let my gaze drift to their hooves. “Yeah,” I whispered with a forced smile as I turned toward the door to the outside. I was lost, struggling to find the hope that I had just hours ago, but there was nothing in my soul anymore. It had left, and it had taken part of me with it.
The journey to the cafeteria was uneventful and chilly. I didn’t mind either, I simply wanted to be to myself. The trees were nearly stripped of their leaves now and the workers who tended the campus were cleaning them from the paths that snaked through the university. I smiled at them when they looked at me, but my face probably displayed more of a grimace than anything else.
Eating helped a bit. It made me forget the life that I could have lived if I had just kept to myself. This wasn’t something that I wanted, but I was bound to have it regardless. I ate to live, nothing more. It felt like a chore, despite the small feeling of satisfaction I garnered. I didn’t want to be alone, to be forced into this world that I so desperately wanted to live in, but I needed to pursue what I was meant to be. That meant no more dreaming, no more wishing, no more hope.
I finished about a fourth of my meal before the act of chewing disgusted me. I rose from my place, dispensed with the rest of my food, and trotted back to my dorm.
I knew there were events on campus during that time. I knew that several ponies would have accepted me wholeheartedly in one of their games, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask to join them. To me, I wasn’t worthy of happiness.  I didn’t deserve anything that life could give to me that was good. If I couldn’t even pursue the one dream I had, I wasn’t going to fill my life with anything fulfilling. I was going to be a drone, a pony that simply did what he was told and reaped the reward of death at the end of his life. I didn’t deserve anything, that’s what I wholeheartedly believed, and that mindset pulled me lower with each hoofstep I took back toward my dorm.
Once I entered the dorm once more, I began to focus on agriculture studies. I knew I had a chance in a life of cereal production, in a life that had already been predetermined for me by my race. It was the one thing that I was allowed to pursue, the one major that I was permitted to have, and I was going to get it.
I poured myself into the books one more, trying to catch up on the lectures I had missed in order to somehow bring myself back up to speed with the rest of my peers. My determination came back, but only as a wraith of what it once was. Instead of a fascinated drive to learn as much as I could, I simply told myself that I needed to learn it. I was force feeding myself information that I had no interest in while simultaneously lying to myself that I wanted it.
I couldn’t keep it up for long though, and a few hours later I realized I was reading the same sentence over again and again because I simply couldn’t parse its meaning. I couldn’t think anymore, I couldn’t do anything anymore, so I did the only thing I felt. I cried.
I don’t really know why, but the tears helped to an extent. It started small, but the floodgates quickly came soon after. I didn’t want this life, I didn’t want to be subjected to such tortures, but I was keeping myself in that same vicious cycle. I felt as though I were dying to myself for no gain in return. There was a life that I wanted so desperately do lead, but I simply couldn’t. The tears brought forth some relief, seeing the desk fill with sadness once more was comforting in some regard. It was as though it felt for me, it hurt for me. I was personifying wood to try and comfort myself in a way that was proving to be unfulfilling and empty.
As the sun set that night I curled up in the corner and let the wind that whipped through the broken window lull me to sleep. Every moment my mind tried to remind me of that hope I once had, I simply repeated that phrase that I had been told. I was to tend the land, nothing more, nothing less.
In a way I was comforted by my newfound cell. I knew that there was security from its walls and barred door. I knew that I could live comfortably doing the one thing they permitted me to do, and I knew that my life would eventually end.
My life would eventually end… That thought struck a peculiar feeling in my heart. I knew, without a doubt, that I would be able to escape this nightmare once and for all in the distant future. All I had to do was wait for it to happen. There was a light at the end of the tunnel, that light being a knowledge of the finality of life. Of all the things that would happen to me during my short stay on this earth, I knew that they would all be inconsequential by the time I passed on. Nothing would matter anymore, there would be no more barriers, and there would be total darkness and nonexistence. Comforting though it was, I quickly stopped my train of thought.
I couldn't let myself start lusting after death. It wasn’t right. I needed to find fulfilment somewhere in life, lest my life be meaningless in the end.
I fell asleep that night shivering. A cold front had moved in once more and my room, now exposed to the elements, had dropped well below comfortable temperatures. Again, I reveled in my situation, telling myself that I deserved this pain. I fell asleep believing that this was a punishment for dreaming, for thinking I could be a great magician.
As you can imagine, I didn’t sleep well. And Sunday played out almost identically to the day before. I woke up late, went to lunch, returned to my dorm, and tried to study.
Just repeating the actions helped to an extent. I wasn’t absorbing the material for class, but I was definitely trying to learn it best I could. The topics of farming weren’t foreign to me, but for some reason the text on the page seemed to scream that my life was to be completely rooted in agriculture until the day I died. It wasn’t a wonderful feeling, but it did grant me some security of my future. With every sentence, I became more and more ingrained in the idea that my life was to be completely rooted in cereals. However, the more I told myself that lie, the more I focused on the hope that death would bring.
This was one of the darkest points in my life. I remember laying down in the corner of my room wishing to never wake up again. I was so struck by everything that had been denied to me that I simply wanted to let go of it all. I couldn’t bring myself to live through the hell that was slowly entrenching itself in my life. It was the most mentally excruciating position I have ever been in. I was trapped in a hell that I would have seen as beautiful if only I hadn’t pushed the boundaries of society.
This mindset struck deep into my soul for weeks. My heart grew as cold as the winter as the few remaining points of hope flickered from my reality. I operated on a fundamental level during that time, only doing what I needed to and nothing more. I studied, ate, and slept. I had no time to myself, the work kept me from drifting into a deeper depression as it kept me from dwelling on the happenings that occurred that fateful day of my rejection.
During that time I had holed myself up in my room, interacting only with the ponies that passed by my each day between classes. I spoke a handful of words per day, trying my best to avoid as much contact with the outside world as possible. It was a time when I truly felt alone. I let myself stay far away from the world, and in return the world stayed far away from me. I was disconnected, which is probably the reason I tried once more to fulfill my desire for hope.
> XXI. Separation
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	It was a Wednesday deep in winter. The season was in full swing and I was still stuck in that mode of depression I had been in since my denial. To spare you the laborious details, my studies were not going well at all. I hated cereal production, I hated that thought that I was living in a cell. No matter how hard I tried, I could not understand my coursework simply because it reminded me of the life I had tried so hard to escape.
I had changed my perspective over those weeks of isolation. Instead of wishing I could be studying magic, I began to despise my pursuit of it in the first place. I told myself that I should have known the fate that was presented to me that day. I began to hate myself for pursuing the unattainable because it gave me a glimpse of the joy that I would never have. It was like being teased with visions of heaven while living through hell. I would have been better off not knowing of it.
The day started as most of the others had. I awoke to the fear that I was missing class. My schedule was the one thing that provided any semblance of security in my life. Maybe that is why I developed a nervous tick for checking the clock exactly three times to ensure the time was as I thought. I was obsessed with time, the one boundary in my life that was always running from me, the one thing that truly controlled my life. I rose from the floor and looked over to the clock on the wall.
I let out a sigh of relief. Good, I’m not late yet, I thought as laboriously walked out of my room. It felt as though chains were linked to my hooves. It was difficult to move, but I always told myself that I had to, that I needed to continue on toward the destination of my first class.
Agriculture 101 was such a biting topic to me. I didn’t want to go to class as it represented the very nature of my prison. I took my seat in the very back row of the auditorium and withdrew my notebook and quill. That was my routine, however the tools were rarely used. Most of the time I found my mind wandering over the various ponies in my class that furiously jotted down notes as the pompous lecturer soliloquized about farming. I always wondered how many of them could see the cage that they were so obviously trapped in. I wanted to see somepony else drawing the same conclusions I was, but my peers were either studiously taking notes, or sleeping.
No pony was concerned, no pony saw the trap that I felt ensnared in. I wanted to be different, to truly make an impact, and I had come to understand that farming, or any manner of agricultural work was completely worthless to that desire. I didn’t pay attention to the lecturer, the only thing I was waiting for in that class was for the lot of us to rise to our hooves after our dismissal.
Once we were released, then came that dreaded hour of waiting. Most ponies bundled themselves up to withstand the cold or sought shelter indoors, but I simply stood in the courtyard. It was what I did every day, half wishing to be confronted by somepony to help me, to offer me something, but no pony ever did. I guess that they were expected to keep to themselves, that no one would reach out to me because they ‘didn’t know what I was going through’ or something along those lines.
I often wonder how different I would have been if someone had come to talk to me during those weeks when I would stand outside, unmoving, next to the flagpole. It was my cry for help, the one thing that I could do to possibly draw attention to myself, but nopony ever cared enough to speak to me. That day, however, was the first snow. Sure we had a few flurries here and again, but this was the first thick snow, the first one that actually would form drifts on the ground. As always, I remained steadfast, waiting for my next class to start. I wasn’t expecting anypony to speak to me, and reality met those expectations. I figured some were talking about me, that strange pony that stood in the middle of the snow with nothing but a saddlebag to keep him warm, but I never knew if my thoughts were true.
The white flakes of snow fell like ash from the sky. Everything was cold and the snow soon removed the remaining green grass from my vision. I remained steadfast, letting the drifts collect around my hooves as my teeth cried out to chatter. In a way, this was another form of self-punishment for letting myself see the joy of magic only to have it snuffed from my life once more. I wanted to forget it all ever happened, I wished I never had changed from that prideful bastard that lusted after the power of that earth pony who taught my Agriculture 101 class. Then, even in my pride, I had something to hold onto, a castle to form as a foundation for my life, but I had destroyed it and pursued a fleeting hope that was unattainable.
The clock struck 9:45, heralding the start of my finance class. I did a little better in that class, the professor was more lenient, but I was still scraping by. Again I walked to the doors of the auditorium and took my seat in the back of the class and questioned the lives of the ponies around me. I just wanted something to stand out as familiar, that I wasn’t alone in thinking that the world was holding us hostage in a cell of luxury, but nopony else was. I was, as I had come to believe wholeheartedly, alone.
Class ended much as the previous had, with everypony standing and exiting through the back door. I was part of that crowd, but I simply was going through the motions I had done before. I knew where I needed to be next and that was where I was going. The next stop was the cafeteria, where I would inevitably wait in line for a sandwich, find my spot in the farthest corner of the building, and eat in solace.
It was routine, something I did every day like the hundreds of ponies around me. I was part of a system, one that I couldn’t seem to escape, one that was eating away at my soul every minute of every day. I was dying.
My routine had turned caustic, my life becoming a gaping hole of emptiness and sorrow. I couldn’t eat, a common occurrence during lunchtime. And so, after swallowing a single flower, I promptly threw away my food and left the dining hall toward my next class: History.
As much as I loved the concepts of history, I couldn’t pay attention during the class. No matter how hard Professor Bales tried, I was unable to follow his grandiose stories. I was sinking deeper and deeper into a world that I feared worse than death. Class ended and I realized I had taken in nothing during that hour. I couldn’t have told you a single word he said during his lecture. I was exhausted with everything in my life. Everything I felt was cold and empty.
The journey to applied chemistry was always the hardest. I had to run, and running in the snow was a difficult endeavor indeed, but harder still was having to detour around the Union. So many memories of grandiose magic and powerful spells came back to my mind. I remembered Amethyst and Evenstar, two ponies I hadn’t seen since I had been barred from the Union. That massive ornate building represented everything that I wanted to be and yet I knew I would never return. I knew I would never set hoof in that building again. I knew I would never glimpse the wondrous world that hid behind those magnificent doors.
I galloped past the building and into my applied chemistry class. Professor Spark glanced at the clock as I raced into the room. “Late again.”
I simply nodded as I trotted to my desk. I wasn’t too eager to share why I was late, so I just took the point deductions instead. I was already slated to retake the course, what was another ten points off going to matter? I took my seat and promptly ignored my professor once more. Paying attention was impossible so instead I began to question everything that my life meant up to this point. Was this where I truly wanted to be? Was this what I wanted to do with my life?
Well, the answer was unequivocally no. I didn’t want to do this for the rest of my life. Plodding through courses that pained me to think of, but I was at a loss for what to do. I had no escape, no way I could possibly leave that place behind. I was trapped, and I was starting to panic.
Class ended much as the rest had, but this time my professor stopped me.
“Starswirl? May I speak with you for a minute?”
I nodded.
He waited for the rest of the students to file out of the classroom before starting once more. “I’m worried about you. Something changed a few months ago and you started attending my class again, but you seem different than you were.”
I had no response. Instead, I simply turned to the door to leave.
“Starswirl,” Spark pleaded, “I can tell you’re hurting.”
I didn’t respond.
“I’m concerned. I think you have a lot of potential. Don’t waste it.”
“It’s already been wasted,” I muttered as I turned to the door. Spark tried to stop me but I wasn’t going to listen to him anymore. I wasn’t going to listen to anypony anymore. I was going to focus on the only thing I knew that could solve my problems. My life, as much as I hated to say it, was over.
> XXII. Attempts
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	As the snow drifted into my room that Wednesday night I began to ask myself one particular question. What purpose do you have? I knew I wasn’t going to be able to answer it, but I continued to cycle it through my mind in a masochistic interrogation of my soul.
I sat myself down at my desk and began to respond. I wanted to be able to tell that voice that I was going to make a difference, but I knew I wouldn’t believe it. I wanted an answer, but I didn’t have one. Months before I would have responded with magic, only days ago I would have responded with cereal production, but now as I truly pondered my life, I realized that I was at a total loss. No matter where I looked there was nothing that would present itself as an answer. Magic was my passion, Cereal Production was my hell, and my life was empty. I had nowhere to turn, no future to look forward to, nothing to strive for anymore. The path that I had been walking had stopped, and I was asking what I was to do now.
What purpose do you have?
“I don’t,” I muttered in defeat as I looked to the small drift of wet snow that was piling in the corner beneath my broken window. It had been weeks, and I still hadn’t bothered to fix it. The nights were getting colder and sleeping was becoming more unbearable as the snow had invaded my bed. I wasn’t sleeping that night.
The world seemed to be on the side of that burning question that echoed through my mind. I wanted reasons for the problems in my life and I wasn’t receiving anything. I had no idea what the next day would bring, what the next hour would usher in, but there was one thing that was certain: I wasn’t going to be happy.
My world was one that I had been a prisoner to for too long. The past months that I had witnessed, the eternal pain that I experienced, it was too much too bear. I had nothing to hope for, nothing to aspire to. My life was dark and my future had been crushed that Thursday at 4:00 so long ago.
I looked to my saddlebag, the one that had trekked with me throughout my experience so far at university. It had been with me for every terrible meeting and every wonderful moment. My gaze drifted to the modest rope that secured the two bags together.
That can hold my weight, I thought as I gently removed the rope from the bag and wrapped it around my hoof. It felt heavy, as though gravity was working overtime to remind me of my intentions. I quickly pulled it taught and winced at its strength. This strand of cord was my answer to that burning question that echoed through my mind.
What purpose do you have?
I stepped onto my chair and looped one end of the belt around the rafters that ran along the ceiling. I secured the rope with a knot and stepped back to examine my work. I didn’t know how to tie a noose, but I could still tie a knot. I reached up to the rope once more and, with shaky hooves, looped it through itself and knotted it.
What purpose do you have?
In that moment, I felt like I could see something through that loop. Everything around me was dark, grey, and lifeless. The world seemed evil, hateful, and pointless, but through that loop, through that small opening, I saw something I hadn’t seen in a long time. I saw hope and peace. Through the rope was a world that I so desperately wanted to be in, one without worry, without stress, without the hell that I was living in every day. I wanted to be in a world where I could be free of torment.
That world was through the rope.
Before I knew what had happened, I rose to the top of the chair, placed my neck through my makeshift noose, and tightened down the knot. Everything seemed a little less daunting from the new perspective I had on my life. With only seconds left in my grand chronicle, I was about to come to a peaceful end. All of the pain I had felt, all of the hatred that I had witnessed was about to disappear into a void.
For the first time in my life, I was truly ready for death.
I took one last breath of the piercingly cool air and let my legs slide off of the chair. The noose did its job and bore my weight as I dropped onto my neck.
The world blurred as the rope tightened, and my mind began filling in the blank spots with small images of my life. It started with my early childhood. I could see my old friends playing at the playground.
Why do you persist?
Another scene flashed before my eyes. It was me, sitting in my room, penning the letter to the University to request my degree.
What do you have to gain?
The world began to fade into darkness as my body began to spin around the rope. As my eyes passed the window I saw Amethyst, she was standing before the class, explaining her mental dimension. The world was fading from my view. With every moment that passed I saw some other image from my life, as though my mind were reminding me of what had led up to this point. I saw everything I had ever done, and all the dreams I had always held dear. My mind was too focused on bringing those images that I forgot to despise them. Instead, I noted something peculiar about each one. Not a single dream I had for magic had a degree hanging in the background.
There, as I hung from the rafters in an attempt to rid myself of the world, I began to make one of the most important realizations of my life. I wasn’t trapped in a cell society had created, the door was wide open. I didn’t need a degree, I just needed to learn.
As my vision blurred into a void of darkness, I saw a small point drift into my sight. Another formed, moving along with the first. Within a moment I noticed that dozens had joined in the small parade through my dwindling vision. They were all rotating around something, some central point that I just couldn’t make out. As my final breath failed me, I slipped from consciousness. I felt like I was falling into the void.
> XXIII. Revelations
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	The last thing I expected as I drifted into the void beyond my reality was a feeling of striking something. My hind legs struck something solid and immediately crumbled beneath my weight. The sensation brought me back to the reality I had so desperately wanted to escape. As my back hit the ground, my eyes drifted open. There was something inside of me that wanted to quickly diagnose the problem and return to that blissful void beyond this world.
As I regained my senses and the room around me became clear once more, I realized what had happened: the rope had snapped, or at least I thought it had.
However, as my vision sharpened more and the sounds of the room returned to my ears, I noticed something strange. I heard my name called from somewhere.
“Is he going to be alright?” Another asked.
“I’m not sure, Spark,” the first voice responded.
I rolled my head in the direction of the voices. As I made that movement, I felt their attention turn to me. Gentle hoofsteps heralded the approach of a familiar stallion with a red hat where his horn should be. As Eventstar’s image drifted into view I remembered those images that had flashed before my eyes only moments ago.
“Evenstar?” I whispered. Only when I spoke his name was I aware of the noose that was still tight around my neck. 
I would have begun to panic, but Evenstar gently knelt down and removed the rope. His eyes said it all. I could see pain deep within his mind as he tossed the noose to the side.
“Starswirl…” He whispered as he looked to me once more. “Why?” His eyes were filled with tears, as though he had nearly lost one of his own foals. “This isn’t the way.”
That pain that streamed down his face brought forth my own tears. I didn’t once stop to think about the damage that my escape would inflict on the ponies I knew. I never thought for a moment that I was worth something to anypony but myself.
“I… I’m sorry…” I whispered as my vision blurred. “I just…” I wasn’t able to put my thoughts into words, I was only able to let tears roll down my cheeks.
“It’s alright, Starswirl,” Evenstar said. His voice sounded as though a weight had been lifted from his chest. “You’re alright… you’re safe.”
We simply stayed there for a moment, letting our minds wander to the what ifs that the noose so boldly prompted. What if I hadn’t been spared? What if Evenstar had found me swinging from those rafters?
The more I pondered the gravity of what had just happened, and the more I think about it now, I realize that my life was almost cut short well beyond my fruitful years. At the time, I could only think of Evenstar and the damage I had caused, but now, looking back, I see this as one of the most formative times in my life.
While I was swinging by my neck, I felt a peculiar sense wash over me. In the face of finality, in the true inevitability of death, I had been given a vision. I saw and felt a sense of accomplishment as I watched my life unfold before me. I was able to see objectively for the first time, I was able to take in the whole picture. There, in front of my face, was the answer. Nothing that had brought me stress in my life was necessary. No matter how many times the professors preached their lies of conformity or how often the unicorns looked down on my kind, none of it was required the life that I was leading. I wasn’t going to be able to escape their oppression, but I was going to be able to escape my own.
I didn’t need college; I had never looked into the future beyond my schooling to see where I would end up. I was so busy trying to break free of a box that I had put myself into. The door to the cell was wide open, but I was busy trying to file away the bars.
“Evenstar?” I muttered, breaking the chilling silence of my dorm. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Starswirl… It’s perfectly okay.” The stallion, one of the greatest minds in theoretical magic, then knelt down and hugged me.
There was something urgent I needed to tell him, something I desperately needed to make known, but for that brief moment it could wait. As I felt his warmth radiate through my frigid body, I simply let my eyes drift closed as a smile crept across my face. It was one of the most beautifully comfortable things I had ever experienced.
He drew away what seemed like hours later and I started speaking once more. “I saw my future, Evenstar.”
“What?”
“I saw what I’m really meant to do.” I looked into his eyes and smiled. “I quit.”
“You quit?” He asked, obviously confused by my statement.
“Yeah. I’m done with the Theoretical Magic Degree. It’s obvious I can’t learn it here, but that doesn’t mean I can’t learn it. This school is amazing for getting such knowledge, but a degree doesn’t mean fulfilment in life. I’m meant to do magic, I’m meant to dream up worlds where I have complete control of my life, but my life isn’t meant to be supplemented with a degree.” I laid my head back and let a new stream of tears flow down my face. They were joyful this time. I had removed the problem that had plagued my life since the day I had arrived on campus. “I’m leaving the university.”
Saying it wasn’t a terrifying prospect would be a lie, but there was much more gained than lost as I cast away that burden. I had so desperately tried to shrug it away for the past months but the only solution was to stop climbing the mountain itself. There were some things I would never be rid of, like my race, or the passage of time, but I could control my future.
“Are you sure?” Evenstar asked. It wasn’t a concerned question, rather it was one of anticipation, as though he had wanted for me to come to this conclusion.
I silently nodded. This wasn’t what I wanted my life to be, I had no desire to become somepony I wasn’t. I needed to break the mold, to push the boundaries, but I had been going about it all the wrong way. I had nearly perished because of my mindset. Despite my desires to change the world, I wasn’t willing to let my own intuition guide me. I wanted so desperately to be told what to do, how to think, speak, or act, and I wasn’t able to conform to that standard. The result was an attempt on my life and the near complete ruin of the impact I have made since then.
I would have told you I became a new stallion that day, I would love to believe it, but as I see so clearly now, I was only starting a more difficult journey. I wasn’t able to tread on the trail of unicorns; that much was obvious, but I was able to blaze my own path to the end. It was then that I realized that my life, despite how convolutedly dark my reality had become, I was able to cast it all away by simply changing the world around me.
Spark left soon after, presumably because he had other matters to attend to, but Evenstar stayed with me that night. All we did was sit in silence, graciously appreciating the company that we gave to each other. I could feel like he wanted to tell me something, to tell me that we weren’t much different, but something was holding him back. Something was keeping him from opening up to me. That didn’t phase me, however, as I readily accepted the silence in order to catch my own bearings on the world.
It wasn’t until the early morning that either of us spoke up. Surprisingly, it was me who said the first word. “Evenstar?”
“Yes Starswirl?” His deep voice was comforting and curious, as though he had waited all night for me to begin a conversation.
“What am I going to do now?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well… I’m leaving University and I’m really not sure where to go from here. This place, this world that I live in, I can’t play by its rules.”
“Well why not?”
“They nearly destroyed me…”
Evenstar paused for a moment, his eyes darting around the room as he calculated his response. “What do you want to do?”
“Well…” I started as I let my thoughts wander to the future once more. “I want to study theoretical magic… I feel like it’s my calling.”
“Well, your cutie mark certainly says so,” Evenstar offered as he pointed toward my flank. “However, how do you expect to come into the world of magical theory without a degree?”
“That’s why I’m asking you. I don’t know anything about this place, I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to magical studies, but you do.”
“So you’re not interested in becoming famous?” he asked with a cocked eyebrow. “With becoming well known among the rest of your peers as that one earth pony that can perform magic?”
I thought it was an odd question to ask, especially at a time like this, but there was something about his words that made me concerned about their intent. “No, I just want to learn.” My face must have shown my confusion as Evenstar’s tone changed once more.
“Are you sure it isn’t the tantalizing fact that you may very well be known for changing the world in ways that you can’t yet imagine? That the world may one day commonly know the name Starswirl with appended phrases of prestige and strength? Are you sure your motives are only for yourself?”
I felt like he was getting at something, but I couldn’t quite understand what. Evenstar rose to his hooves and continued once more. “Are you sure that deep down you don’t care if you’re known? Are you sure that it would be fine if all of the works you ever devise may one day be given to somepony else?”
The thought that my creations may someday be severed from my name did send chills down my spine. It wasn’t a pleasant thought to know that my work may be claimed by somepony else, but something deeper than that chill told me that it was fine. I wanted to practice magic, I wanted to understand the inner workings of the world. Fame, to my naive mind, was secondary. I looked to Evenstar once more with a fire in my eye. “If I leave work in the names of others, but know my work is fruitful, I do not care who claims it.”
> XXIV. Conclusions
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	And with that simple statement, my life changed completely. No longer was I Starswirl the college student, I was just Starswirl the college dropout. This concludes the first act of my story. As you can imagine, there were some heartfelt goodbyes, some tears shed, and a large feeling of emptiness as I stepped out of the campus with my belongings in tow. Moving back to my home was humiliating to some degree, but I was facing life with a new perspective. No longer would I be pressured into impossibilities, or commanded to follow a certain trail. I was now free to blaze my own, make my first steps into the real life, but there wasn’t much for me to walk on.
You see, I was still eager to study magic, but access to theoretical magic texts outside of Canterlot University was limited at best. The only way I could honestly start working toward my dream was to walk back to that campus to rent books from the library. It was a public library, and many of the ponies there were familiar, but it still brought back haunting memories of the life I had once lived. The walls themselves closed in ever so slightly whenever I went to retrieve a book from the shelves. In many ways, however, it was a good position to be in. I wasn’t a student, so the bells no longer applied to me. I had as much time as I wanted while I filled my small notebook full of notes on magic. I was able to rent unicorn exclusive books as Evenstar had granted me that privilege. It was a calming atmosphere, and I didn’t have anything keeping me from learning.
That existence carried on for several weeks into winter. However, the life that I lived wasn’t one that I was truly happy with. I was learning about mental dimensions at a rapid pace, but I wasn’t truly grasping the concepts. I wanted to learn, and I was learning no doubt, but it was as though I were doing hundreds of mathematical calculations in my mind, I wasn’t sure if any of them were wrong. Obviously, I was hindered by my physical nature, but that wasn’t about to stop me from pursuing my dreams. I was determined and stubborn. Giving up was not part of the equation. I saw that as failure worse than my suicide attempt. I wasn’t going to give in.
I have simply brushed by these few weeks because they were not formative to my development. Whenever I entered a routine in my life, the days would blend together. With me learning relatively little amounts of magic in a routine as typical as eating, my days may have well been one. There was nothing to mention during this short period, so I will begin this second section on the first day of winter vacation. As nearly all of the students were leaving for the break, I was beginning an increased regiment of study. I figured at the time that my lack of understanding stemmed directly from the more relaxed time in the library. I had a plan, one that required nearly every waking moment of my days to be spent in the library with my nose in every book I could find. Fate, however, dictated that I would do just the opposite.
> XXV: Ambition
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	On that day after the end of fall semester, I arose earlier than the sun. Ambition was still rampant in my mind and the life that I so desperately desired to have was right at the tip of my nose, or so I thought. I rolled out of bed, quickly donned my saddlebag overflowing with books and parchment, and started down the narrow streets toward the university.
Ice was everywhere, that much I remember all too well since I was forced to sidestep many solid puddles in the road during my journey. It wasn’t a large distance by any means, but it took quite a bit longer than usual. Small flakes of snow were floating through the air and resting softly on the world around me. It wasn’t anything abnormal for that time of year, but I was aware of it because of the stage it set. It felt like the world had grown cold and callous as I trotted toward the school each day. I was trying my best to learn more than I ever had before, and I was, but there were still decades of work ahead of me. That debilitating fact coupled with my ever strangling ability to absorb information was bringing in a new mindset that I hadn’t battled before.
I wanted to learn, but I couldn’t. Everything that I had ever wanted was right in front of my face, all I had to do was reach out and grab it, but for some reason I was unable to keep but a fraction of what I was learning in my mind. Every book that I picked up, ever piece of information I tried to learn, was always in reference to something else. The authors of those magnificent texts had assumed a few key aspects about the reader, ones that made my research an order of magnitude harder. For one, all readers were expected to be unicorns. Even the earliest magical texts were penned with the intent of spurring young ones to explore the depths of their natural born talent. However, I was only able to start where most unicorns ended their magical wanderings which left me at a severe disadvantage. I did have my mental realm, but it was small, fragile, and limited.
For reference, I had created a small realm for me to perform my experiments in. I chose a box, as that was the most feasible shape I could conjure up. Once that had been established, I placed a small table in the center of that box. That surface provided me a desk at which I could perform my experiments without the need for that magical appendage atop my head. However, I had neglected several important things such as any presence of air, the proper breaking strength of the table itself, the gravity that affected the box, and so forth. It was preliminary so many of those things may be overlooked, but it wasn’t something I was necessarily happy with. It worked, that much was sure, but I lacked the proper knowledge to make it work better.
With my studies working in field I had never experienced, and my mental realm still very much in its infancy, my life was beginning, once again, to look as though I were trapped.
Upon reaching the gates of the university about a half hour after I had left my house, I stopped for a moment to appreciate the exquisite feelings it produced in myself. Ever after my attempt on my life, I had become much more aware of my own persona and how it was affecting my daily life. I had once disregarded my emotions, but now that I knew what kind of damage they could bring, I began to monitor them like a scientist monitors his experiments. It wasn’t quite an obsession, but it was a fixation. The gates themselves brought about a feeling of fear in my heart. They, and the school that they guarded, reminded me of some of the best and worst times of my life. I had nearly been given a new life, and my own life had nearly been taken away in the course of a few months.
The snow that drifted from the grey sky was adhering onto the uppermost portions of the massive iron gate, outlining its frame with the harsh coldness of winter. It was a foreboding sight, one that still remains in my mind today. The power that dwelt behind those gates, the ability to start new lives and destroy old was something I was absolutely fascinated with.
I probably ended up standing before those gates for several minutes, just enough time for my skin to remind me to seek warmth by sending a violent chill down my spine. The weather of Canterlot was harsh to say the least, but it did offer a driving force to continue with my mission. As I shook the introspection from my mind and focused my attention on the world around me, I stepped toward the gate and placed my hoof on its iron handle.
I gave it a push, but nothing happened. The small resistance it offered was enough to break me free of my routine once more and enter a state of awareness. Now, as my mind began spinning its gears, I began to draw several conclusions.
They must have locked the gate because school is out. That thought wasn’t entirely accurate, however, because I knew that the library on campus was public. The gates were to be locked at certain times and certain dates, not to block ponies out during entire months. There was nothing special about that day, no holiday to observe, so I let my logic continue.
Maybe they’re keeping the gates locked because of the weather. I quickly dismissed that idea because as I looked to the world around me, I realized the snow had only started. With no hoof tracks in the mud from the guard’s dwelling, I let my logic continue once more.
The door is locked because it’s too early in the morning for visitors. This was the mindset that finally brought the answer that I sought. Within seconds I was looking for a sign stating the hours of the library. I knew I had seen it before in my weeks of passing through this very gate, but finding something one only sees in passing always proves to be a much greater challenge than one realizes. 	It took several minutes, but I found it in due time. It was just to the right of the door, a metal slab bearing the engraved days and their respective hours.
SATURDAY: NOON TO MIDNIGHT
I cursed beneath my breath as I looked at the library that stood behind the iron bars of the gate. It was though the entire building was trapped behind them. I needed to get to the library, and with the snow’s intensity increasing I needed to get in there soon. The snowstorms Canterlot faced during these harsh winter months were quick to strike and could last on the order of days.
“I’ve got to get inside” I muttered, my words turning to visible fog at the tips of my teeth. I wasn’t talking to anypony in particular, I was instead urging myself. I had a new objective, circumvent the building, and I wasn’t about to let some gate stand in my way.
The gate itself had been erected between the massive walls that separated the small peninsula of the university from the rest of the city. The only way into the school was through that gate or up the cloud piercing cliffs from the base of the mountain. While my mind did tease me with the notion that I could swing around the edge of the wall where it met the mountain, I quickly dismissed that idea fro its sheer insanity. There was no reason to put myself in such danger like that, however I was left with a necessity to find another route into the library.
I looked to the gate once more and frowned. None of the iron sections had been constructed so a grown stallion could wedge his way through them. Even the hinges themselves were flush with the wall when the gates were closed. At that point, and with a piercing howl of the wind, I realized that my situation was running low on a particularly valuable resource: time.
My eyes wandered up the ever whitening surface of that gate and came to rest on the large spike that protruded from the top of the iron bars. From the surface they looked vicious and sharp, but this was simply a matter of perspective. I realized that the entire apparatus, despite its menacing nature, lended itself as a massive ladder. With that realization, I concluded that the best way around the fence was over it.
I unbuckled the belt of my saddlebag and took the strap in my mouth. Now, I wasn’t an athlete by any means, but I was able to send that bag over the top of the gate to land with a thud on the other side. With the load lightened, I took hold of the bars that had defied my entrance and began to use them to gain it once more. It was a slightly tedious process, as I would blow the snow off of the metal before placing my hooves on them to pull myself upward.
It took about a minute to reach the top. By then my muscles had had quite enough of my antics for one day and proceeded to ache in protest of my determination. As I carefully maneuvered myself over the blunted points of the spikes, I ensured that none of them scraped my hide simply out of spite. Once I had cleared them, I let my shaking hooves down the other side. It took a bit longer, as I was becoming quite scared of the prospect of falling, but I managed to return to the safety of the ground in good time.
It felt good to overcome such a barrier. I wanted to bask in my accomplishment, as menial as it was, to remind myself that I had accomplished something that day, but the weather was through with my presence. Within a few seconds of returning to the stone path I was reminded that this was a powerful winter storm, not something to be trifled with. I quickly donned my saddlebag after blowing off the layer of snow that had accumulated on it. I needed to get to the library, but as my mind set its bearing once more, a new feeling of terror struck me. What if I can’t get into the building?
I hadn’t considered that to be an option before I scaled the gate, and now with the frigid wind picking up strength, I couldn’t back to my home for shelter anymore. I had sealed my course by hurdling that gate, something that I was quickly worrying may have been the wrong decision.
I ended up galloping to the library and pausing for a moment. The doors were shut and there wasn’t any indication that it was occupied. That shock quickly turned into horror as I placed my hooves against the door and pressed. They didn’t move. 
Then, in my heightened sense of awareness, I remembered something about the doors at this place. A smirk flashed across my mouth as I pulled the door open and stepped into the warmth of the library. Immediately the smell of icy wind was replaced by the scent of resting books. The low howling gave way to a distant din as the library was a void of any sound. The warm colors of the library were a pleasant sight to the bitterness of the world outside. The innumerous lanterns that swung from the ceiling filled the entire building in light as the world outside would not lend any of its own to light the room through the panes of glass on the ceiling.
I quietly walked to one of the oversized desks and placed my saddlebag beside the chair. I was determined to accomplish great things today, to learn more magic than I had thought was possible. I quickly turned my attention to the organized rows of books and began my search.
I had a method to my madness for studying magic. I would find the most advanced topic I could imagine, and then look in the preface for any information about what knowledge it required. Typically, the author would mention the need for knowledge in a less advanced topic, and that is where I would head next. The system was slightly painstaking, but it gave me a way to construct a kind of foundation as I walked through the room.
Within a few minutes, I had gathered several books all nested beneath my goal of Hyperdimensions. It was one of the books that I had picked up on my first insatiable stroll through the library so many years ago, but I was approaching it from a new angle this time. I was going to learn about hyper dimensions from the ground up this time instead of the top down.
Now after I had gathered several books relating back to that singular topic, I began my journey back to the desk. I was going to have to take multiple trips, a fate that would have been lost on a unicorn. Despite my lack of magic, I was making up for it in a hunger to learn, or at least that is what I told myself as I started toward the desk.
As you can imagine, by this point, I was under the assumption that I was alone. With not a sound other than the distant wind, I had let myself slip into that mindset. I was already contemplating the first book to study, whether that be Applied Magic Theory, or A brief history of magic. Regardless, I was completely immersed in my thoughts. That being said, you can probably imagine my complete and utter shock when a hoof reached out and tapped my shoulder.

> XXVI: Entrance
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	“Holy shit!” I howled as a powerful tremor rolled down my spine. The books that I had been carrying were now piled on the floor and adrenaline was beginning to course through my veins. I spun to face my assailant, my mind quickly calculating all possible scenarios through my turn. Was it a robber? A murderer? Was I going to die? All of those thoughts filled my mind as my eyes settled on my attacker.
“Shhh!” they said as she brought her hoof to her lips. “This is a library you know.”
“Amethyst?” I asked as my adrenaline began to dwindle. I let out a sigh of relief, it didn’t look like I was going to die today after all. I hadn’t seen her for several months, in fact, the last time I had talked to her was on the day of my rejection from that unattainable magic degree. She hadn’t changed much, but I was still shocked to see the subtleties of growth. Her mane was held in a bun behind her head rather than down as she wore it before. Beyond that, her voice had altered itself slightly, and her posture was different. Something serious had definitely changed.
“Mhm,” she quietly hummed. “How are you?”
Her words were cold, but I wanted to dismiss her tone to early morning grumpiness.
“I’m doing a lot better,” I said, furrowing my brow. “I’m sorry I didn’t talk after the-”
“Save the apology, Starswirl,” Amethyst started with a sigh. “It’s not like I nearly lost the only friend I had to suicide.”
It stung, being reminded of that night so long ago, but wounds always protest when they are being nursed back to health. “Look, Amethyst,” I started as I turned my attention to the books on the floor. “I’d like to tell you about what really happened. I left you in the dark and you need to be brought up to speed.”
“You think that’s going to fix what happened to me?”
“What?” I asked, suddenly aware that she had her spell of problems after mine had transpired.
She cocked her head and smiled a smile of pity. “It looks like we both have some catching up to do.”
There was a selection of chairs in the library. They were comfortable and were meant for reading for long periods of time. I was personally never fond of them for their intended use, as I preferred the stability of standard wooden chairs. Talking to Amethyst, however, was a good use of their presence. We took our seats and appreciated the silence for a moment.
Before she spoke once more, I noted a few more details about her. She seemed tired, as though the life she was living was becoming unbearable to her physical body. She was striving for something, but I had no idea what that something might have been. The bags under her eyes told of the many sleepless nights that she had spent toiling away at what I assumed were her studies. The way she cleared her mind by closing her eyes and letting out a deep sigh was almost as though she were tired of life in general. It seemed as though she were experiencing the same feelings I had during those weeks of tribulation after my rejection. My suspicions were laid to rest when she finally broke the silence with a soft whisper.
“I’m not sure how to describe this, but I’m going to do my best regardless,” she started as she fixed her gaze on the table between us. “Before I start, I want to let you know that I’m not blaming you for anything that happened. I am, however, going to be completely honest with what I say. I’m not going to sugar coat any of this, and I trust you will do the same.” She let her gaze drift to me once more before continuing further.
“Starswirl,” she started, “After you disappeared, my life became problematic to say the least.”
Immediately I was concerned. It felt as though this speech was rehearsed, like she had expected to say this to me someday. I wanted to keep my emotions in check, but I felt I would not be able to keep them under control for long.
“I’m going to start with the day you spent the night with me. Remember when you asked if things would be alright and I said no? Well, I was taking a risk. I knew the consequences of being caught with a stallion in my dorm that night and, well, I was. A few days after you went to the council and subsequently left my life, I was notified that my position in the honors dorm was being considered for changes. I had reported to the Residence Director after you-” She paused for a moment, looked me in the eyes, and resolved her statement.
“...after we left the hall. There is a strict policy about stallions in dorms, but even more important is the unmentioned policy about no earth ponies in unicorn dorms. As you can imagine, after the council rejected you and then discovered that you had been in my dorm the night before, I was quickly rejected from the honors school here on campus.” During her statement, her eyes had drifted back to the table once more. It was obvious that it was a panful discussion to have, but she felt as though she needed a way to get this off of her chest.
“I don’t know what to say,” I whispered in that pause. I wanted to help console her, but that wasn’t an option at this point.
“Starswirl,” she said coldly, “I’m not finished.”
I promptly silenced myself.
“You see, as time went on, I was subjected to a number of tests. They were individual forms, things that asked about the nature of society and the like. It was strange enough that they were scheduled during the most stressful parts of my semester, but it became apparent something was amiss when there was a question regarding the societal split between earth ponies and unicorns. They asked me to write a paper, just one page, on the differences between earth ponies and unicorns. I… I knew what they were asking, I knew what they wanted me to say, and I said it.
“The entire purpose of that paper was to gauge how ‘elite’ I was. I ended up falling into the trap they laid by saying that the differences were outweighed by our similarities. A few days later, I received a letter in my mail informing me that I was to move dorms the following semester and that my honors courses were no longer part of my curriculum…”
I was shocked. There was definitely something wrong with the school if this had truly taken place. I was in a strange state of emotion as I watched Amethyst squeeze her eyes shut and steel herself once more. The pain she felt was so foreign to me, so distant from what I had felt over those months, and yet it was shockingly familiar. She had been on the wrong end of the Council’s agenda, and she had paid dearly.
“As you can imagine,” she started once more, “my grades went up. Being dropped from the rigorous honors courses meant that I had less work to do and more time to do it. However, it also meant that I was no longer able to attend Evenstar’s advanced theoretical magic class. My degree had been switched from Advanced Theoretical Magic to Theoretical Magic, all but destroying my hopes for research work in my career.”
She looked to me, with tears beginning to form in her eyes. “However, the one thing that stung the most was the fact that I had nopony there. No one was there to comfort me during this time… I guess what I’m trying to say is that, out of all that happened to me, the fact that you weren’t there, that was the hardest to bear.”
I was speechless. I had no way of knowing she had felt this way, and yet I felt as though I should have known all along. During my depression, I hadn’t realized that her life was being affected by me as well. I had caused indescribable damage to the only pony that truly considered me a friend and I had no idea I was causing it. “I…”
“Starswirl,” she started as wiped the tears from her eyes. “I’m still not finished.” The way she said those words was peculiar. It was almost as though a small hint of triumph lingered on her punctuation. “Remember how I told you Evenstar was on the council?”
“Yes…” I said quietly.
“Well, he gave me an offer. He told me that if I could prove to be a hard worker, he would let me work with him over the winter break in his office.”
My eyes lit up. “You mean you’re doing research with him?”
She nodded with a faint smile on her lips. It was obvious she had seen serious tribulation, but the light at the end of the tunnel was still there for her. “He’s told me that if I can prove to be a valuable assistant that he will take me on as an apprentice of sorts after school is over. I just have to keep my grades up and my calculations accurate.”
“That’s great news!” I said. Immediately realizing what I had just implied, I quickly added more words, “Well, it’s great news to hear you’re working with Evenstar now, not that you were removed from the Honors school.”
Amethyst looked at me and smiled. “Thanks. It’s been a trying time for me, but I think I’m doing a lot better now.” Her brow furrowed. “That’s what happened to me… How about what happened to you?”
My mood immediately became somber once more as my mind flashed several images of the past months to my mind. “To be honest, it was the most trying time of my life.” I let out a sigh as I tried to shake them from my mind. It was my turn to be blunt, straightforward, and honest with her and myself.
Her eyes begged me to continue with a desire that words never could. I adjusted myself in my chair and let my mind drift back to the painful day I was rejected.
“Well, as you know, I was rejected from entering the school magic. The council told me that I was an earth pony, and that my attempts to join the realm of the Unicorns was a dream that I would not be permitted to pursue. I was told to continue working in my classes, which at that point were already going downhill, and I was ordered to never enter the Union again.
“So I did the only reasonable thing I could when I left that place and returned to my dorm: I destroyed it. I ended up throwing my desk across the room, tossing my bed out of the window, and destroying every piece of my previous life I could.” I paused for a moment and looked directly at amethyst. “I’m telling you this because you were truthful with me. I promise I have changed since then.”
Amethyst’s head bobbed in understanding.
“After that, I began trying to focus on my classes as best I could, but there was no way I could possibly enter into that realm once more. I had become so disgusted with the life that agriculture had that I developed a supreme hatred for anything my race had done for years. Then, after my dreams of entering the life that you lead, well I was in a position I wasn’t prepared to cope with. After a long time of force feeding myself agricultural study, I let my mind drift into a train of thought that lasted for months.
“Depression is an emotion that I had never truly experienced. To feel it in it’s full force during those few weeks leading up to my…” I hestitated for a moment. I needed to be honest with her, but bringing back those memories wwas something that burned to the very core of my heart. “For those few weeks, I let myself believe that my life was running toward a dead end. I started trying to bargain with every fabric in my being to create some semblance of hope, but that only dragged me further into despair. I found, soon after, that my life wasn’t going to be what I dreamed for it to be.”
I had delayed the truth for as long as I could. It still stung to think about my attempt, but I needed to remember it so I would never again reach that conclusion. “If I wasn’t going to be able to purse my dreams, I told myself that there was no reason for life at all. That is why… well… uhh…” I I sqeezed my eyes shut as the tears tired to flow. I wanted to remain coherent, I wanted to keep my mind focused so I could deliver the final statement of my life, but there was something inside of me that tore itself to pieces as I tried to remember that night.
“I made… I…” I was going backwards. I needed to focus, to keep my emotions out of this statement, but there was no chance. I quickly withdrew from the battle and let myself drift inward. I could stave off the tears no longer, and as they began to flow I turned away from Amethyst. I didn’t want her to see me like this, I only wanted her to understand the truth that I had seen. Things looked up after that moment in my life, it got better, but the words refused to come.
As I sat there, silently weeping at the darkness that had shrouded my life, a familiar masculine voice rose in the silence.
“On that night, Starswirl made an attempt on his life, Amethyst.” The words cut me to my soul, but as my emotion dwindled, I realized who had spoken. It was Evenstar.
“Oh…” I heard Amethyst whisper, half in shock, half in sadness. “I’m sorry… I didn’t know.”
“No one did, aside from Professor Spark and me.” The torrent of tears slowed as I opened my eyes once more. There, standing behind Amethyst, was Evenstar, his signature hat covering his horn. “Starswirl knows his side of the story, that much is obvious, but allow me to add a few details to his situation.
“On that same day, Professor Spark came to me after talking to Starswirl during class. He realized something was amiss and when he questioned Starswirl about his studies with me, he received a rather strange answer. He promptly came to me with that information and I quickly became worried. If there is something I know about Starswirl, it is his mindset. He cannot be swayed to partake an anything that doesn’t allow him the opportunity to fulfil his dreams.”
By this point, I had wiped away my tears and turned my attention to my professor. His eyes were affixed on me in a way that said that Evenstar truly cared for me.
“That is when we both went to the administration and retrieved his room number. When we entered, we found Starswirl motionless hanging from a noose affixed to the rafters. I cut him down and stayed with him the rest of the night. Thankfully, he received no lasting injuries from his attempt.” Evenstar looked at me once more. “But more importantly, Starswirl came to an incredibly profound conclusion.”
“Amethyst,” I started, taking the conversation from Evenstar, “I realized that my dreams and my desperation to get a degree were not tied together. I don’t need a degree to practice theoretical magic, to study the world that I had wanted to join so desperately. I realized, as the rope choked me into darkness, that everything could be solved by leaving the University. So I did.”
Amethyst looked to me, and then to Evenstar. Her eyes were wide as she slowly pieced everything together in her mind. “So what happened then?”
“I left school, returned to my home, and began doing the very thing I’m doing now. Every day since, I’ve come to the library, gathered up several books, and studied everything I could find on theoretical magic.”
Amethyst took the conversation, “However, books can only get a pony so far. There is a reason schools exist, and now Starswirl is behind the rest of his peers in terms of magical study.” It was worded as a statement, but I could feel the question in her tone. She was asking something of Evenstar.
“You are exactly right, Amethyst. You see, Starswirl may have the ability to study at the library, but the only way to truly understand magic is to perform it or see it performed. Books only give you information, they don’t tell you what to do with it.”
I absolutely agreed with them, and the conclusion they were drawing was one that I was quickly becoming aware of in my own reality. “I have my mental world for experiments,” I offered, belying the truth that I was facing on a daily basis. “It’s working.”
Evenstar saw right through my shrouded uneasiness. “Are you sure, Starswirl?”
I let my eyes drift to the table once more. The books that rested on its surface were evident of his question. I had checked out several of them numerous times, and read through them even more. I wasn’t absorbing information as I had hoped, and there was no reason to lie before these two. “You’re right,” I started as I looked to Evenstar. “I’m not learning what I need. Many of these books I’ve read through half a dozen times, but no matter how hard I try I just can’t understand them.”
“There’s a reason for that, Starswirl. Those books you picked up, they’re not meant for you. Those books are meant for unicorns, ponies that already know what magic is on a personal level. Everything they’re trying to say is foreign to you simply because you can’t perform magic at all.”
My posture faded as I realized the truth in Evenstar’s words. I wasn’t able to build knowledge on a foundation that didn’t exist, and that awareness was one that I had avoided since the day I first set hoof in the library. “I can try harder,” I started, trying to talk myself out of the trap I was seeing, but Evenstar quickly refuted me.
“The harder you try, the harder it will be to understand magic at all. You’ll start second guessing yourself, rebuilding perfect worlds you had constructed because you thought their foundation might not be perfectly accurate. The life that you want can’t be forced, it must be revealed.”
My head nodded in agreement. Evenstar was right. “But right now,” I started, “this is the only thing I can do. Until something else comes up, I can’t idle. I don’t care how detrimental it may be to my future, I have to try something.”
“Indeed,” Evenstar said as his eyebrow cocked ever so slightly. “There isn’t much a pony can do to understand magic unless he is exposed to the true inner workings of magic itself. One would need to see an abstraction of the foundation, the true core of the magical system, to learn about magic himself.”
Evenstar looked to the bookshelves and sighed. “You see, this place talks about the how,” he said as he gestured toward the rows and rows of shelves before him. “However, nothing here talks about the why. No unicorn ever stops to ask ‘why can I lift things from the ground using only magic? Why is it that I can create a physical solid out of a simple power in my own mind?’ No, everything here discusses how you do it, it only looks up toward conclusions.” He turned to me with a wry smile.
“Starswirl?” he asked with a spark in his eye. “You’ve seen the how, the conclusions from the work that has been performed, but would you like to see the why?”
My expression must have been the most dumbfounded look ever recorded. I had no idea what he was asking of me, but yet he had piqued my interest on some fundamental level. “What do you mean?”
“Would you like to see why all of this magic works the way it does?”
That’s when my mind clicked and I realized what he was asking. I matched his confident stare and responded, “Why not?”
> XXVII: Foundations
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	That offer from Evenstar was, without a doubt, the most important thing that had ever been given to me. I was going to have a true look into the inner workings of magic. Evenstar gestured for Amethyst and me to follow him as he walked through the rows of books.
“As you know, Starswirl,” Evenstar started as he stepped through the rows of shelves. “I am a researcher of sorts. I have a few publications in print at the current time, ones that stem back to the very roots of what makes magic function.”
We reached the end of the bookshelves and trotted to the corner where an unassuming door stood in the wall. “This world around us takes so much for granted, it has so many assumptions about the nature of our reality that it believes them to be steadfast, true, and easily understandable.” He looked at me with that same spark in his eye. “However, that simply isn’t the case.”
He unlocked the door and entered the cramped spiral staircase. “You see,” he said as he pocketed his key. “This world isn’t really as steadfast as we want to believe. We want to think things are easy to understand and that solutions to our problems are simple. They’re right, to a degree, but getting to those solutions is a highly complicated game of mental chess.”
We came to another door and Evenstar withdrew another key from his bag. “This mindset of simplicity is basically correct. However,” he said as he pushed the door open, “Finding that simplicity is a much more complicated task.”
My eyes grew wide as we entered into the massive laboratory beneath the library. Everything inside was a sight to behold. Scrolls, books, quills, and strange devices littered the dozens of tables around the closer half of the room. Three of the walls were filled with chalkboards from floor to ceiling. Those boards were, in turn, filled with equations and proofs that stretched across the entire wall. Bookshelves occupied the other half of the room in perfect rows. The books that filled them ranged from newly printed to falling apart. The fourth wall was a massive frameless glass pane that stretched from the floor to the ceiling. It provided enough light to illuminate the entire room, but more importantly it had that same spectacular view over the world as Evenstar’s office had.
Across the top of the ceiling ran several lanterns, their bases connected in a network of pipes to supply a near endless flame from each. On the division between the shelves and tables, a massive fireplace resided. Its embers were glowing ever so slightly, evident of the blaze that had roared through the night. A bunk bed sat in the farthest corner from the fireplace, hiding itself in the shadows to offer its occupants a relief from the light of day.
“Welcome to my laboratory,” Evenstar said with a smile. 
I was speechless to say the least. Everything in the room was exactly how I had imagined a magical laboratory to be. I must have sat there for quite some time because I didn’t notice Amethyst and Evenstar beside one of the tables in the side of the room.
“Are you just going to stand there?” Evenstar asked, pulling me out of my wondrous trance.
“What?”
“Do you want to see what we’ve been working on?”
I obviously did, and I immediately raced to the table. There, nearly covering the surface, was a large piece of parchment. On it were several equations and formulas revolving around one singular image. In the center was a group of about 100 shapes. Each one with one more side than the last. The very final one was a perfect circle.
“What is this?” I asked as I tried to understand the equations on the page.
“This,” Evenstar started as he pointed toward the page, “I’ve spent the decade researching.”
“You’re researching shapes? Is it for making magic barriers without lines?”
“It’s a lot more complicated than that,” Amethyst started as she stepped to one of the rolling chalk boards and lifted a piece of chalk from the tray. “How well do you understand math?”
“I’m alright at it,” I said with a shrug. I wasn’t being humble; I was being honest. Math may have been one of my stronger suits in elementary school but I hadn’t excelled beyond complex multiplication.
“So you’re familiar with algebraic equations?”
“Uhhh…”
Evenstar looked to Amethyst with a cocked eyebrow. “He’s smart. Just show him and I’m sure he’ll start picking it up right away.”
Amethyst shrugged and drew two perpendicular lines on the board. “Alright, these are our axes.”
My head bobbed as I focused my wandering mind on the lines. She then drew lighter lines, equidistant and parallel from the first. Within a few seconds, a grid had formed with two thick lines cutting it into 4 parts. “And here’s our grid. Now, this is where the fun starts.” She drew a straight line through several of the grid’s intersections and placed the chalk back in the tray. “Now, what do we know about this line?”
“It’s straight,” I said. It seemed like a simple question.
“Yes, but what else?”
I examined the board more closely, as though it was whispering the answer. “Well… I’m not sure…”
“It has a quality known as slope,” she said as she began writing an equation on the board. “That slope can be calculated by figuring out how high the line goes on the vertical axis divided by how far it goes on the horizontal.”
“So the slope is…” I paused as I counted the squares on the board. “The slope is two!”
“Correct!” Amethyst said as she jotted the number down. “It’s just that simple.”
I was pleased that I understood such a seemingly advanced concept. “That makes a lot of sense!”
“It does indeed,” she said as she carefully erased the line from the board and drew another one as straight as the last. “So can you tell me the slope of this one?”
It goes 3 high and 6 wide. “One half?” I asked, not completely sure that my mental mathematics were sound.
“Yup!” She said as she erased the line again. “So, now that you know that basic piece of information, how do you calculate this?” she asked as she plotted several points on the grid and drew a curving line through them all.
“Uhhh…” I muttered as I tried to find the trick to solving that equation. “It changes all over the place. There isn’t one.”
“Oh there is, Starswirl,” Amethyst said, “Any line has a slope unless it’s straight up and down.”
“But this one curves, how—”
“And now you see the problem,” Evenstar said with a smile. “It’s not hard to understand, but it is definitely difficult to figure out. As of right now, we’re not sure how we’re supposed to get the slope of that line, but we know it’s there.”
“And you’ve spent ten years on this?”
“That and a few other things.” Evenstar shrugged. To him, his work was as nonchalant as walking, but there was something about developing the next level of mathematics that satisfied my soul deep to its core.
“But what does this have to do with magic?” I asked as I looked to Amethyst. “This is just math.”
“Math is the language that magic can be written in,” Evenstar said as he looked to Amethyst. “Would you mind showing him what we’ve been working on?”
Amethyst nodded and stepped to the empty table beside Evenstar and quickly cast the spell to make the blocky blob of shells. “See how the shell itself is made of individual blocks?”
Evenstar took the conversation from there. He approached the shell and looked at my dissatisfied gaze. “I see something is on your mind.”
“Yeah… I always kind of thought that a shell would be… you know… curved a bit.”
Evenstar smiled. “We have a lot in common. The blocky structure is impressive to say the least, and I can’t commend Amethyst enough for her hard work, but there is something about that shell that just isn’t right. I feel like it can be a circle but the only thing that is stopping it is the way we think about those curves.” He pointed back to the chalkboard. “A circle is a curve, a very specific one, but we’re not sure where to go from there.”
Evenstar motioned for the chalkboard and for Amethyst to begin drawing. “So, what we have here is a classic problem: How do we find the slope of the top half of a circle?” Amethyst quickly drew a circle centered on the two axes. “There has to be a way but we’re just not quite there.”
By now my mind was working in overdrive to come up with a solution to the problem at hand. However, I wasn’t able to give an explanation. I wanted to make a good impression on Evenstar, but all I could do was sit there in silence along with the other two. No doubt they were doing the same, but I could feel they were on the verge of a discovery.
Several minutes later, Evenstar broke the silence and turned his attention back to the page on the desk. “This is the way the ancients used to describe, very accurately, a number known as pi.”
“Pie? Like the food?” I asked.
Evenstar chuckled, “I’m fairly certain every pony to ever hear of pi has asked that question. No, it’s not like the food, but it describes the food’s shape. Have you ever wondered how far around a circle is?”
“Uhh…” I couldn’t say that I had.
“Well, pi allows us to know that number just from knowing how far the circle is from its center,” Amethyst said as she pointed to the different shapes. “They were able to calculate pi to an incredibly accurate number, but we are more interested in their method of finding that number.”
“If you look here, Starswirl,” Evenstar said as he pointed to one of the polygons. “With every addition of a new side to the shape, the accuracy increases. By the 96th side, we can see that the shape is almost perfectly identical to a circle. Well I’m looking a step further. I want to know the exact value, but the method they used, despite getting extremely close, will not render the actual number. There is still some ambiguity to its nature. Pi, as far as we know, lies in between two very similar numbers.”
“Somewhere between 3.1408 and 3.148,”Amethyst said as she pointed to the two numbers on the bottom of the page. “But we’re not exactly sure where it is between them. It could be anywhere, we simply don’t know.”
“Right,” Evenstar said with a determined nod. “So all we can do now is either continue the method they used, which will never get us the exact answer, it will only get us close, or we can choose to develop a new method to finding that actual distance.”
I looked back at the board where the curve still sat. It was all beginning to come together in some strange way in my mind. The math made sense with the images it represented, and now I was gnawing on that question Evenstar had been looking at for years.
“So what are you doing to find it?”
“The unthinkable,” Evenstar declared. “We have to find math that is accurate to the most infinite degree. Doing that requires us to redefine math as we know it. We’re working in a world of digits, a system where we can look at chunks of data, but not the individual datum.” Evenstar’s smile grew as he turned toward the massive equation on the wall.
“I tried that equation for a while, but it proved my previous statement. We can’t look at the world the way we always have, in singular digits. No, we need to look at the world as one continuous stream of infinitely small pieces of data. We need to look at it as though it were analog, not digital.”
At the time, little of what he was saying made sense to me, but I was fascinated all the same. It seemed like they were almost there, that only a small equation or piece of information was holding them back.
“Wow…” I whispered as I looked around the room. “And all of this stuff is just for figuring out this one problem?”
Evenstar furrowed his brow as he surveyed the room. “About half of the things in this room are dedicated to that topic. The other half are musings of mine and Amethyst’s.”
“Oh?” I said as looked to Amethyst, “Are you doing research yourself?”
She shrugged as she trotted to her table. “Not really, I’m just kind of tinkering with things. Mainly things that relate to my sphere. I’ve been trying to work on making it look like a sphere without the analog equation that Evenstar is dreaming up.”
“It’s going to happen,” he said without looking up from the page. “Just you wait.”
“But until then, I’ll stick with my algebra,” Amethyst retorted with a smile.
“So, Starswirl,” Evenstar said, “Are you interested in helping figure out the why?”
“You bet I would!” I declared.
Evenstar snickered. “Remember, we are under a library,” he said as he pointed to the ceiling. “We have to be quiet too.”
“Oh, right,” I whispered as a slight heat rose to my cheeks. “So where do I start?”
“Mail.”
“What?”
“That’s right!” Amethyst said with a laugh. “You’re the new mailpony!”
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I muttered. “How is this supposed to help further magic?”
“Oh that’s right!” Evenstar said as he knocked his forehead with his hoof. “The mail is how we correspond with Challenger, the anonymous group that proposes several challenges for proofs. We are in a war of sorts.”
“A war?” I asked. I never thought magic could be violent.
“Yes. You see, many other researchers all over the world are looking at many of the same questions we are. One, in fact, seems to be working on a similar series of equations to my analog research. I fear we may not have much more time to complete it.”
“So you’re trying to get there first?”
“In a manner of speaking, yes,” Evenstar said as he tapped on the parchment. “This information that we’re using is mostly available to the other researchers in the world. The only advantage we have is my work that I’ve completed thus far.”
“So what do you gain for completing the challenge?”
“Fame.” The statement was so shameless it struck me as rather peculiar. “We’re vying for having the greatest discoveries on the planet, the person whose name is attached to those discoveries… well, he goes down in history.”
“Just fame?”
“Not just fame,” Amethyst said from her table. “Fame is the direct result, but increased funding allows for researchers to get their hooves on the greatest materials available for study.”
“Right,” Evenstar said without skipping a beat. “Look around the room, how much do you figure this all costed?”
I took a moment to take in the sheer volume of the items in the room. Some of the books appeared to be antiques, and the strange devices that precariously tipped off of the shelves must have been each more than my tuition.
“I’ll give you a hint: Those apparatuses total close to a million bits,” Amethyst said nonchalantly.
“You’re kidding me. How did you get that much money?” I asked as I looked to evenstar in bewilderment.
Evenstar looked up from the page and smirked. “Have you ever read any of the magic publications in our library?”
“A few. Why, did you write them?”
“Not all of them,” Evenstar said. “However, I did have one very important publication about a decade ago.”
“Which one was that?”
Amethyst spoke up once more. “Evenstar was the stallion to discover the magic mass unit. You remember, that thing I used when I showed you the shell a few months ago?”
“No…” I started as I looked to Evenstar. “You did that?”
Evenstar simply nodded in response. “Now that you’ve been brought up to speed with the problem at hand, would you retrieve the mail?”
“Sure!” I said as I eagerly started toward the door.
“You aren’t going to get very far without the keys,” Evenstar said as he withdrew the keys from his saddlebag and swung them from the tip of his hoof. “There’s going to be a lot of it and be careful, I frequently get sensitive instruments sent to me via mail, I’d rather them not be damaged.”
“I understand,” I said confidently as I took the keys in my mouth and trotted to the door.
I was excited to work with Evenstar, and having amethyst there was more than I could have dreamed. I had come into the library that morning expecting to grind through several books only to come to the same conclusion that I had before. It was time for me to truly begin my education into the world of magic, and I was the mail pony for one of the greatest magical researchers alive. That thought alone put a spring in my step and a determination to pursue the life that I had dreamed of for so long. I was going to change the world.
> XXVIII: Limitations
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	“I’ve got the mail!” I shouted as I stumbled into the lab. It wasn’t easy to open the door while simultaneously carrying a box of paper, but I managed to get it over to the nearest table and gently set it on the floor.
“Ah, good work, Starswirl,” Evenstar said as he strode over and dumped the contents of the box onto the table. “Alright, let’s see what we got today.”
Amethyst arrived moments later, lifting several identical envelopes from the pile and holding them in a grid pattern before her. “Alright, we’ve received 11 letters from Challenger. About 8 are new challenges, and 3 are challenges that have been solved,” she said as she divided the stack into two. “It looks like everyone is ramping up their game for winter.”
“Hmm…” Evenstar hummed as he looked at the two floating stacks. “Go ahead and open them and then update the repository.”
Amethyst nodded then looked to me. “Well, these letters aren’t going to read themselves.” She placed them on the table next to Evenstar’s and lifted a letter opener from the other side of the room. The letters that floated before her turned end to end and raced past the blade, opening each one perfectly.
“Woah…”
“That one took a lot of practice,” she said as she removed the contents from each envelope and let them rest on the table. “Alright. So we need to go through and figure out what Challenger has been up to,” she started as she picked up the first letter from the stack. “I’ll check these solutions to make sure we’re staying up to date with our research.” She pointed to the 8 envelopes before me. “You need to go through those and add them to the repository.”
This repository was a running list of sorts. It detailed every single question that Challenger had proposed for the past decade. It started out as a simple scroll, but in that time its contents had been bound into a book of sorts. Amethyst brought it over to the table along with two quills.
I shook my attention from her magic for a few moments to focus on the letters from Challenger. As you can imagine, they were highly formal and detailed descriptions of crazy mathematical problems that had been proposed. It took a moment for me to dig through the body of the letter before I could decipher its challenge.
It has been anonymously proposed to me that a general angle cannot be trisected using conventional geometric methods. Anypony to prove or disprove this proposal will find his place in my next publication.
“Hey, look at this!” I said as I held the letter up. “It says angles can’t be…” I paused for a moment. Not only did I not know what ‘trisected’ meant, but I didn’t even know how to pronounce it.
“What’s that, Starswirl?” Evenstar asked with a raised eyebrow. “Did you find something?”
“Uhh…” I stalled as I gave the paper to him. I wanted to be able to communicate with him on his level, but I just couldn’t.
Evenstar took the paper and let a frown stretch across his face. “Hmmm…” he mumbled as he set it on the table and withdrew a blank scroll. “An angle can’t be trisected…” he muttered as he drew two intersecting lines. “I wonder…”
He lifted a small box of items from beneath the table and laid them out on its surface. At the time I had no knowledge of a compass or a protractor, all I recognized was the wooden ruler. They were all worn from years of use, but as Evenstar took them in his hooves, I realized how well they had aged.
He carefully began his geometric work, scratching at least a dozen marks all over the page. His brow furrowed as more lines emerged from his pencil. “No, that won’t work…” he muttered as he drew a large X through the confusing mess of lines and drew another angle, this one much larger than the last. It was fascinating watching him work, seeing his mind completely focused on solving such a standard problem. I wanted to be like that, I wanted to be able to use such intelligence to solve problems that others couldn’t find solutions for.
“There’s something wrong here,” Evenstar muttered as he stared at the page. I didn’t know what angle trisection was, so I was unable to see what he had accomplished, but in hindsight I can say that he seemed to have trisected the angle. That being said, there was something in his voice that seemed rather concerned.
“Is something wrong?” Amethyst asked. By now she and I were both enraptured in Evenstar’s work. It had only been a few minutes since he had seen the challenge. “So you proved it wrong?”
“I don’t think so…” he started as he drew yet another angle and repeated his procedure. “There’s something about this method that doesn’t seem to work.” He tapped his hoof on the paper where the proposed solution lay.
“What exactly are you looking for?” I asked.
Amethyst turned to me, but Evenstar shot a furtive glance in my direction. I remember, in that moment, feeling very small compared to him. He was everything I wanted to be, the grand master of knowledge that I could only dream of having.
“He’s looking for an angle trisection,” Amethyst said as she pulled a whiteboard over to her side. “It’s when you can cut one angle into 3 equal angles just with a ruler and a compass.”
“Okay,” I said as I watched her sketch out the angle. “So, it’s impossible?”
“I’m not sure,” Evenstar said as he furrowed his brow a bit more at the page. “But it seems like angle trisection is impossible. The idea that I had before works until you look closely at the math behind it.”
I turned my attention to the page once more, this time noticing the half dozen rectangles that Evenstar had sketched around it. “There seems to be a bit of math that’s in my way.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes, I’ve worked with geometry for decades now,” Evenstar started as he started working out a few equations on the page. “There are very specific mathematical functions that I can perform with just a compass and a straightedge. If you see here,” he said as he pointed at a group of triangles, “This is close. I thought, for a moment at least, that the solution was as simple as marking smaller lines to define as thirds on one of the lines. However, that does not supply an accurate answer. If you look to the algebra, you’ll see that the angles aren’t actually trisected. They’re just close.”
“So, why can’t you do it?” I asked, trying to decipher the cryptic writing on the page.
“I think the answer lies in the way we bisect angles.” Evenstar took his tools and, in a few swift strokes, drew another angle and then a line directly through its middle. “See this?”
“Yeah.”
“This is a bisected angle. I can do that again and again and again, splitting each arising angle into yet another angle, but there’s a pattern to it.”
“A pattern?”
“I’m taking half of the first angle. Then I take a half of that. Then, after that, I take yet another half. I’m just multiplying the size of the angle by a half each time.” Evenstar looked to me with a slight smile. “I think I know what’s wrong.”
“What might that be?”
“The only thing I can do to angles is cut them in half. There’s no way, just using multiples of two, to get a number divisible by three.”
I’m not sure why that statement struck me so deeply. There was something so nonchalant about it, something that seemed so steadfast, that I felt there was no reasonable way it could be true. “But how?” I asked.
“How? That’s just the way math works. In fact, any number multiplied by itself will never be divisible by the following number.” Evenstar 	looked back to the page with his impromptu proof.
“But…” I started, not sure what I was asking. I wanted to break that rule, to tear through the idea that I could be bound. There was something about the structure of math, the inherent truths and falsities that challenged me on a fundamental level.
“That is simply how it works,” Evenstar started without looking up from his page. “There are fundamental rules about math that just don’t change.”
I didn’t voice my consternation, I wasn’t about to question my mentor, but it didn’t sit well with me. I wanted, to be completely unbridled, limited only by the world I could imagine. It was fundamentally against everything that mathematics was, but the thought of such rigid boundaries was enough to make me despise the idea that I could be limited.
> XXIX: Perspectives
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	For the sake of time, I will not exhaustively recall my interactions while I held that position in the laboratory. My time working as their assistant was, for the most part, completely routine. My duties around the laboratory were basic to say the least. I was to bring in and sort the mail, ensure the books were kept organized, and keep the entire space workable. Keeping close track of the temperature of the room, ensuring the candles were eternally lit, and arriving to the library early in the mornings to prepare the lab for the day’s work were all vital parts of my work. Evenstar and Amethyst were both quite appreciative of my help, and many times one of them took a break from their work to assist me in my tasks.
Being an earth pony meant that certain heights were simply out of my reach, and a select few tasks were all but impossible to accomplish. That was when Amethyst typically stepped in to assist me. She was always smiling; I was quite envious of her spirit at times. I suppose she was doing what she loved, that the idea that her life goal was somehow being fulfilled must have brought about that smile.
Evenstar was another matter entirely. He seemed sagely sober, only using precise emotion whenever he wanted to truly convey feeling. Aside from the stray consternated sigh that slipped through the room whenever he reached a dead end, he worked silently. His eyebrows were eternally furrowed, as though he were constantly working on a solution to his analog equation. That, however, may very well have been the case. Aside from the few challenge that he would solve seemingly in an instant, he was constantly focused on them.
It was his life’s work after all. He had complete reason to dedicate every waking moment to its discovery, but that gave us some… interesting interactions as time went on.
There are several events I would like to speak of, however, as they were fundamental to my growth. Bear in mind that this section is quite unlike the first. It will recount the most formative times during my work with Evenstar and Amethyst, but for every day I speak of, there are hundreds that went completely unnoticed.
So, with that brief introduction, I give you day fifty-three in the laboratory. Now, up until this time, I had been working faithfully as the laboratory assistant, organizing books and learning the few scraps of magic that I could while I worked. However, this was the first day that I would enter Canterlot University while classes were in session.
I remember standing before the gates of the school as my mind found itself in a rather peculiar predicament. The gates stood wide open, unlike every day that had come before. It took quite a while for me to come to the realization that class was starting once more. Ponies would soon be shuffling into the gates to head to their morning classes, just as I would have been if I had decided to remain in that place.
The air that morning was unusually cold. It may have been the storm that had rolled past over the night, or its roots may have found themselves reaching into my heart, feasting off of the thought that I had failed to be in that place. There was something about the school that had changed for me. It represented everything that I had come to both desire and to despise. There was something about standing before those gates that frightened me to my core. I was, yet again, entering a life that I couldn’t imagine, yet it was one that was much more terrifying than the fear I had felt on the first day. Then I was on a path, on a set plan for my life, but now I was on a winding path that I had no ability to control. My life was at the whims of the two ponies who studied magic beneath the library. Their triumphs and defeats were what dictated my next action. Whether or not I would shelve a book, or withdraw a series of them as one of the two chose a different route to pursue their work. I suppose that is why this day struck me as odd.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Amethyst moaned as she let the quill that floated before her drop to the reservoir. “Starswirl?”
“Yes?” I asked as I shelved a book and trotted to her side.
“Just look at this,” she said as she pointed toward the page she had been staring at. “You would think, after nearly 3 dozen attempts, I would be able to cast this damn spell!”
“Language,” Evenstar hummed from his table. He had established a rule about cursing after Amethyst’s loose cannon had begun to fire a few weeks into their work. She had grown less explicit, but there were still slips every now and again.
“Sorry…” Amethyst turned to me and frowned. “Do you have any idea what I’m doing wrong?”
Amethyst coming to me for help? I wondered as my eyebrow slowly crept upward. Something must be seriously wrong.
“What are you trying to do?” I asked as I tried to parse the equations on the paper. I had gotten better at reading their work, but several key points still eluded me. Evenstar encouraged me that understanding would come in time, but as of right now I had little to none.
“I’m working on a part of my shell. I was trying to make the cubes smaller again, but I can’t seem to get them any more precise. It seems that no matter how many hours I spend running calculations for a more circular sphere, I’m just unable to get them any smaller.”
“Hmm…” I hummed as I let my mind wander to the titles of the hundreds of books that were stored here and in the library above. I had a hunch, but I needed a text to back it up. “There’s a book in the library that talks about the limitations of the MMU…”
Evenstar cut me off. “Ah, yes. The fundamental problem with the MMU,” he said with a snicker. “Emerald Star bring up some valid points, but I would have appreciated if he had contacted me first instead of completely criticizing my work.”
“Yeah, that one…” I said as I turned to Evenstar. “Do you know where I can find it?”
“It should be section MR in the library. I don’t keep a copy down here.”
“Right,” I said as I trotted to the door. “I think I may have an answer for you, but I’ve got to make sure I’m correct.” I called back to Amethyst as I fumbled for the key. “It shouldn’t take but a second.”
“Starswirl!” Evenstar called out. The unexpected energy in his voice caused my hoof to shake a bit and drop the key. “Remember: this laboratory doesn’t exist. If anypony asks you, you’re just a janitor and this is a closet.”
“I understand,” I said as I picked up the key, turned the latch, and opened the door. Evenstar had specifically kept his laboratory a secret to keep any undue attention from his work. With him getting closer to the solution for the analog equation every day, and the rumors of another researcher working on the same topics growing more frequent, he wanted to ensure that none of his work would leave the lab. It was safe there, so long as no pony knew that it existed in the first place.
Noise was the first thing I noticed as I stepped into the library. Despite the oppressive rule of the librarians and their constant sequestrations of any stray whisper, there was an electricity to the air. Ponies of either race flowed through the bookshelves, filling their bags with pieces of knowledge that pertained to their own. I watched, almost stunned, as the library once again felt alive to me. I didn’t snap from that trance until I grew painfully aware of the open door behind me.
I shook myself free from that infinite stare and started down rows of bookshelves toward the unicorn section. I had been there a time or twenty, but I had never felt a sense of oppression like I did when I noticed the jeers from the unicorns who sat at the tables together. I faintly recognized them, but there’s only so much one’s mind can do when you only notice something from your peripheral vision. This wasn’t a place I felt comfortable, so I decided to keep myself focused on the task at hand: helping Amethyst. This focus manifested itself in my posture as a stiff back, high head, and an expression of determination and confidence. Apparently, some of the unicorns didn’t care for my expression, and chose to voice their disdain instead of keeping it to themselves. That was their first mistake.
“What is a mud pony doing in the magic section?” one of them loudly whispered, obviously trying to affect my confidence. I felt a twinge of pain at the derogatory statement, especially with the slur thrown in for good measure, but it also instilled even more confidence in me for some reason. I didn’t know a lot, and I surely wasn’t an expert in magic or it’s studies, but I was making an attempt to learn. I suppose the confidence I felt was similar to the confidence one feels when they begin to rise above the odds, tackling the greatest challenges they were never meant to face and coming out on the other side unscathed. I had no answer for their statement, but it tugged on a deeper desire in my heart, one that was becoming foundational to who I was.
Maybe they noticed the smile on my face. Maybe they noticed the small desire to rise against that held my head a bit higher. Regardless, they now saw me as the enemy, a pony to be put in his place.
“Hey mudpony, why don’t you go wallow in the filth with the rest of your kind!” One of them whispered a bit louder as I started scanning the section for the book. “You wouldn’t even understand those books anyway.” A volley of snickers rose from the group he was with. For some reason, the insults weren’t getting underneath my skin nearly as much as I would have expected. Maybe it was because of my relaxing work, or maybe it was because of the lack of caffeine that morning, regardless, I continued to search for the book.
“Hey!” the command was more powerful, no longer spoken in a whisper. “Get out of here, you’re distracting us from our work.”
“Just one moment,” I said without turning my head. “I’m trying to find a book.” My nonchalance flustered the unicorn even more. I heard one of them rise from their seat and begin toward me. That was the moment I finally turned my attention to the unicorns. All had stopped their progress on their work to watch the outcome of the confrontation.
The unicorn drew close to my face and studied my eyes. I knew his question before he asked it. “What are you doing here?”
For the first time, my façade of confidence ruptured. I had to obfuscate the laboratory beneath our hooves in my response, but I still wanted to remain truthful. After about a second, I had conjured up a response. “I’m just trying to find a book.”
“You realize you’re in the unicorn section, right?”
“Yeah… where else would I get a book on magic? The agricultural section?” I turned back to the shelf, attempting to distract both him and myself from my growing uneasiness. I wasn’t sure how long my confidence would hold out, and the unicorn was beginning to bother me.
“Look, you and I, we’re different.” There wasn’t hostility in his voice, but there was something that struck me and stole my voice. He was speaking as though he was uttering facts. “I don’t meddle in your affairs, and you don’t meddle in mine. It keeps us in check, you know? It keeps us from being even more separated. You earth ponies are lucky to have a chance to come to a university like this.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat as my gaze landed on The fundamental problem with the MMU. I hesitated for a moment, as though my mind subconsciously told me that my action would decide my fate with these unicorns.
“You’re doing the world a massive disservice. We’ve come so far, riding on certain principles that make this world so advanced. You’re challenging the fundamental structure of the society you’re trying to fit into. Just give it up.”
Just give it up... Those words rang through my head more times than I would care to admit. I wanted to take that book, but deep within, I felt a part of myself agreeing with him, a part of my soul that refused to believe that I could make a difference in my life. As I looked to the unicorn once more, I saw that he could read my eyes like a book. I saw his victory as plainly as he saw my defeat. I knew he was right, all the way down to the deepest depths of my soul.
I felt like a failure, but for some unknown reason, I slid the book from the shelf and opened it in my hooves. I think my actions stunned the unicorn, because he simply stared in surprise as I flipped through the pages. I’m not sure where my voice came back from, but I found myself speaking before I noticed I had words to say.
“Ah, yes. Here it is. The MMU can’t be considered a final solution for magic barriers because it’s underlying mathematics make it exponentially more difficult to compute with a linear volume decrease. This is due, in part, to the massive amount of units one creates as well as a finer grid for processing. This, above the other reasons described in this chapter, is the fundamental crux of the MMU, it is not scalable.” The words just rolled off my tongue, my brain parsing each sentence wholly and completely. To me, it provided the perfect answer to Amethyst’s question, and the small satisfaction that I had accomplished something.
I placed the book in my saddlebag and trotted off toward the laboratory. My mind was, once again, focusing on my objective. I could feel a drive within my heart, that hope that I had long since cherished, was finally being rewarded.
I’m not sure if the group of unicorns tried to stop my departure. I’m not sure if they even spoke as I stepped out of their sight. All I remember was walking back to the lab without a second thought. Sometimes I wonder how they reacted; with an earth pony simply discussing something as complex as the MMU. If I could go back and play those events over again, I feel as though I would not be able to do what I did. Something deep within me stirred then, a confidence that I had never felt before. I hadn’t bested that their hate, rather, I stunned their feigned superiority and its terrible grasp it had on me.

> XXX: Exploration
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	The world that I had been a part of for so long was fading from view. With that one instance of confrontation, I was able, regardless of its outcome, to say that I truly was gaining traction into my destined life. This wasn’t something I was particularly aware of at the time, but rather something that I can see so clearly now. I didn’t expect the change, and it wasn’t obvious at first, but I quickly realized how different I had become. I didn’t need to look back to see their reactions, I needed to look forward and watch my own.
I was beginning to understand magic, to truly unlock its vast intricacies and to see the why of the subject. It was what I had always wanted, that knowledge of the unknown. I was finally beginning to see the world of magic, the truth of the power it truly possessed. 	Maybe that is why, the following day, I was confronted with an even stranger phenomenon, one that truly shook me to the core of my being.
The day began as all others had, but it’s duration was quite different than usual. When I arrived at the laboratory, the only pony there was Amethyst. I had expected Evenstar’s casual greeting as I placed the mail on the table, but instead it was she who addressed me.
“Starswirl, could you start working through the mail?” she asked from her table. I could tell she was focused, as her words felt like an afterthought rather than a question.
I didn’t respond. I had become quite accustomed to remaining silent while either Amethyst or Evenstar were working on their projects. I respected the silence of the lab, the serenity that allowed an unadulterated stream of consciousness to flow. It was what made the lab special to the three of us, and I wanted to keep it that way.
Maybe that is why Amethyst’s following actions caught me off guard. She was the one to break the serenity of the lab to address me, not the other way around. It was a rather commonplace situation, for one of the researchers to address me, which is probably why 	I was strangely collected in my response. Only now, looking back on that moment, do I realize what truly came out of that first question.
“You know,” she started as she turned her attention from the table, “I’ve got to ask. What is it about magic that you like so much?”
“Hm?” I hummed as I continued sorting through the mail.
“You’re an earth pony, and you’re interested in magic. You dropped out of one of the most established earth pony degree programs so you could do something that’s never been done before…” her voice trailed off as she tried to wrap her statement up. “Why?”
Now, as my mind was fully engaged in the question, I checked the ceiling for a moment as I searched my for the right answer. I wanted to make sure that my response reflected my true desire. It took a moment and slowly formulated the right words to say.
“I’m not sure,” I started as I placed the envelope back onto the table and turned to her. “I’m not sure why magic intrigues me more than agriculture. I’m not sure why I want to break through society to pursue something I’m not equipped to fully understand. I’m not sure if I’m even doing the right thing.” I let my gaze drift toward the window as my mind flashed back to Evenstar’s office; when he first showed me the true nature of theoretical magic.
“You sound pretty sure to me…” Amethyst muttered as she lifted a few objects from the table and glanced between them. “It just…” she paused for a moment. “I don’t know… it feels off to me. I’ve never heard of earth ponies being so fascinated with magic. I just thought it was something unicorns did.”
If I had given myself a chance to dwell on the subtleties of her statement, I would have noted a slight hint of racism along with her confusion. It wasn’t intentional, at least, I don’t believe it to be, but that was the first time I was exposed to her opinions on the matter. 	Instead, I only responded with the same question. “So… What about you?”
“Well…” Amethyst started as she continued looking at the small crystals floating before her. “I guess it started in grade school for me. One day, the teachers took me out of the classroom and told me I was gifted in magic. After that, I was put into an advanced magic primary and secondary school. Naturally, I was the top of my class, so my next move was to come to this school for further studies.”
Her tone was rather tepid, like she had repeated the answer dozens of times. It was calculated, rehearsed, cold, yet it bore a slight air of confidence as well. She was obviously proud of her achievements.
“So… you’re just doing what you’re good at? That seems pretty easy.”
“Oh trust me, magic is anything but easy,” she retorted sharply.
“Oh, sorry… I mean… It must have been an easy choice to make. You had everything laid out for you, whether you liked it or not.” I wasn’t trying to make a point with those last few words, but for some reason, amethyst clung to them.
“I love magic,” she said coldly. “I was born to like it.”
I paused for a moment. “It’s funny. I think I was too.”
Luckily, the conversation stopped there. I say luckily because I now see where it could have proceeded. Both of us were vulnerable, but I, and I believe she as well, were in a position where we actually opened up to one another. That wouldn’t be the end of our interactions, no I dare say that was part of the beginning. Regardless, we both turned back toward our duties. She continued to inspect various pieces of equipment on the table, and I busied myself with the earth pony’s letter opener.
Our tasks were not reactive, but rather preparatory. We were waiting for something, for Evenstar to begin the work of the day. That anticipation, and the lack of it’s fulfilment as I completed my job, prompted me to speak once more.
“Where’s Evenstar?” I wondered aloud, more to the room rather than to Amethyst.
“I’m not sure. He was here this morning, but he seemed pretty anxious about something.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, he said something about a…” her voice trailed off.
“about a…” I said a moment later, trying to evoke the final word to the sentence.
“I forget what he called it, but I think it had something to do with a proof. Like somepony was developing some revolutionary new proof. I couldn’t make any sense out of what he was saying. You know how he gets when he’s excited.”
I stifled a laugh. “There’s no stopping him when he’s like that. I don’t think he realizes how fast he talks.”
Amethyst snickered a bit as she moved to the bookshelves and began poking through the rows of texts. “Well, I’m done with inspecting the equipment. Want to do some snooping?”
The regard was rather strange to me. Amethyst was commonly a rather reserved mare, but something told me that her reservation was a façade of sorts. This, along with her more… colorful language, was something I found rather relieving about her. I didn’t like the stagnant, all work and no play portrayal of herself. I liked the one that would take risks.
“Hmmm…” she hummed as she started scanning the bookshelf.
I trotted to her side as she methodically made her way through the books. “Anything interesting?”
“Nothing yet,” she said with a frown. “Most of them are just journals and proofs.”
“So what are you looking for?” I asked as I knelt down to the lower shelf and cocked my head to the side in order to read the titles.
“I’ll know it when I see it.”
“Well that’s helpful.”
“Maybe not for you,” she quipped. “But I can’t really describe it any other way. I guess…” she paused. “I’m looking for something different. Everything here is about what has been done, I want something about what can be done.”
“What?”
“Starswirl,” Amethyst started with hint of condescension. “We’re researchers. That’s what we do.”
I paused for a moment as I pondered the thought. I had never thought of it so blatantly before, yet I felt like I had known that fact since I started.
“Oh, here’s one!” Amethyst said as she lifted a rather strange book from the shelf. It wasn’t strange in the normal sense, but rather, it was strange to the books around it. It was, for all intents and purposes, brand new. The cover was still pristine and the page edges had not begun to turn yellow with age.
“What if? A proposal for the dissolution of the ethics board. That’s interesting,” Amethyst wondered aloud as she exposed the interior pages. It was so unused that the pages themselves cracked ever so slightly as they were finally roused from their rigid posture.
“What’s the ethics board?”
Amethyst shot me a glance as though I had asked the question in jest. “You’re funny.”
“I’m serious…” I said, trying to get to the bottom of this newfound mystery.
“The ethics board? You really don’t know who they are?”
I shook my head.
“They’re the final authority on any magical usage. We go to them before we try anything with our experiments.”
“What? You mean that magic’s regulated?” As you can assume, I was pretty flustered at this news. I was under the suspicion that all magic and, by extension, all research as well, was completely unfettered.
“Regulated is a strong word. They’re more lenient for research, but we’ve come into contact with them a time or two.”
I was speechless. The work here had actually been stopped by some group of ponies that thought they could control the whims of the magic creation process. The more I thought about it, the angrier I grew. That’s probably why Amethyst spoke up once more.
“They aren’t all bad, mind you. They can just be rather… annoying at times. They keep everypony in check so that the powers of magic cannot be abused.”
I must have looked as dumbfounded as I felt, because after a few moments of silence, Amethyst looked at me and stifled a laugh. “You look like you’ve been told that magic isn’t real.”
“It hasn’t?” I asked, allowing my melodramatic thoughts get the better of me.
Amethyst looked to the board with Evenstar’s decades of work. The numbers and symbols were scattered across the board with an almost cryptic chaos to their construction. Several equations had been smashed into the bottom corners while others ran along the edges, curving between yet more formulas that had been strewn across the dark green slate.
“We’re still researching. There’s still things to discover. Just because we can’t experiment with some things doesn’t mean we can’t experiment at all.” Amethyst’s words were true, my heart told me that much, but I couldn’t fight the thought that the entire concept of an ethics board could be the very thing hindering the development of magic.
I had let my mind slip from the book, and I didn’t notice as Amethyst slid it back onto the shelf. It was probably for the best that I didn’t touch that book then, for its assertions would have surely changed my views on magic.
“Amethyst! Take a note!” A booming voice shouted from the stairs.
I yelped in shock at the sudden noise. I hadn’t noticed that Amethyst and I had barely been speaking above a whisper. We stepped from behind the bookshelf to find ourselves face to face with a strangely unkempt Evenstar.
“Is something wrong?” Amethyst asked as she tried to keep her voice from matching his.
Evenstar took a deep breath and cast a peculiar look to the both of us. His eyes almost twinkled with excitement as he started to regain his composure. He let out a light chuckle.
“Quite the contrary, Amethyst… Quite the contrary….”

> XXXI: Paradoxes
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Zeno?” Amethyst asked with a cocked eyebrow. “Who’s Zeno?”

“Zeno is one of my old research partners, my first in fact,” Evenstar said as he set the envelope in his hoof onto the table. He stared at the unopened letter and let out a sigh. “I haven’t heard from him in years… Amethyst? Would you care to do the honors?”

A purple aura surrounded the note as Amethyst lifted it from the desk and brought the letter opener to its edge.

“Careful now…” Evenstar said, his gaze fixed on the note.

I’d never seen him like this. It was as though the letter that floated before him held more importance than anything else in the lab. I distinctly remember the entire room becoming dead silent as Amethyst gently sliced through the envelope’s edge. She wasn’t incredibly worried, as she had performed the task thousands of times before, but Evenstar still leaned ever closer as she brought the blade through the paper.

The moment it was open, Evenstar snatched it from her grasp with his hoof and withdrew the letter inside. It wasn’t particularly notable, aside from the ornate signature that adorned the bottom of the page. In fact, as Evenstar’s eyes scanned through the lines, I could make that there wasn’t much on the page. For such a short discourse, Evenstar spent quite a while reading it through dozens of times. I remember watching his face, trying to get any hint as to what the letter said. At first he seemed, happy, then concerned, and shortly after, extremely excited.

“So?” Amethyst asked, breaking the silence with a quiet voice.

“Hm?” Evenstar looked over to Amethyst, his eyes absently staring at her for a brief moment. “Oh! Right,” he exclaimed as he began to regain his composure. He looked to the page once more and began to read.

“Evenstar, I have a paradox that’s been bothering me for the past few months. I figured it would be best to bother you with it as well for old time’s sake.

“If a pony and a tortoise race, the pony can never win. This is due to the fact that the pony must first reach the starting position of the tortoise, and by that time, the tortoise will have moved ahead farther, continuing the cycle.”

The room fell into an uneasy silence. Personally, I was awaiting an answer to the question. I knew it was fundamentally against how the world worked, but for some reason, I was stumped at the math behind it. Evenstar, however, had a very different look about him. He sat with a confident smirk on his face, like he was hiding a secret from the two of us.

“Well?” Amethyst started, “what’s the solution?”

“I don’t know,” he said with a confident smirk, “but I think, between the three of us, we can find one.” He turned and looked over the room. His aura of confidence seemed to build with every second as he stepped over to a particularly cluttered table, placed his foreleg onto its surface, and in one fluid motion, flung its contents to the ground.

I nearly cried out as I watched countless instruments fall to the floor, but a purple aura stopped their fall.

“You haven’t done that in a while,” Amethyst said with a smirk as she placed the items in different locations across the library. “A bit of advanced warning would have been nice.”

“My apologies, Amethyst,” Evenstar muttered absently as he stepped to another table and repeated the maneuver. “But we’ll need a lot of space to deal with this question.”

“What?” I asked, trying to insert myself into the confusion.

“Don’t you see, Starswirl?” Evenstar said as he cleared a third table. “Ponies are beginning to research the infinitely small.”

“So?”

“Starswirl…” Evenstar turned to me with a face of pure determination. “Infinitesimals are the central unit of the Analog equations. They’re fundamental to the decades of research I’ve performed.” He turned to Amethyst. “Note: glass, water, protractor, compass, several rulers, mop, salt, and a towel.”

Amethyst quickly jotted the list onto a small notebook before trotting through the shelves gathering equipment.

“Starswirl,” he said, pulling my attention from Amethyst, “I need to you come here and help me with something.”

“Yes?”

“Come here and stand next to me.”

I stepped over to Evenstar’s side and watched as he took a few strides forward. “Alright, when I say go, you walk forward at a canter. I’ll walk normally.”

“I’ve got the items,” Amethyst said as she emerged from the final row of shelves.

“Excellent work. Put them on one of the cleared tables, we’ll need them soon.” Evenstar turned his attention toward me. “Ready?”

I nodded.

“3… 2… 1… go.” We both started off the track in one of the most interesting races I’d ever taken part in. I watched as I quickly overtook my mentor as he mentally noted every detail about the experiment. It was the first time I had ever seen him in his element, discovering something new about the world. We repeated the test, this time with our positions switched, and he began to place rulers down at varying intervals along the course.

If you had told me, just two months prior, that I would have the time of my life having a race with Evenstar, I would have laughed at you. In fact, now that I think about it, I’m chuckling to myself. Regardless, it was the first time I had been exposed to the rigors of the scientific process, and this was just the beginning.

We repeated that simple experiment for hours, all the while making detailed notes on our starting positions, where we passed, and what time we did so. It was all so enjoyable for me, like I was doing something revolutionary, even if it was just being a pawn for Evenstar. Amethyst participated by taking detailed notes and guiding the experiments to perfect repetition.

“Interesting…” Evenstar muttered as he scanned the data over again; his eyes straining over the darkness. “We’ve repeated the experiment hundreds of times, but we’re still not seeing anything against the obvious answer…”

Amethyst looked to one of the three chalkboards she has littered with math. “Everything works out, it’s exactly as we expect it.”

“So then why is the math still not backing it up?” Evenstar wondered aloud as he pointed at the graph in the middle of the chalkboard.
Amethyst had plotted the question on the board, and the curve it drew was a rather interesting one. It started off at an initial height of 1, but as it stretched to the right, it dropped by half each time. Near the end of the board, she found that the two lines seemed to merge, but for some reason, the math proved that they didn’t.

“Why…” Amethyst whispered as she scrutinized the lines again. “They never meet.”

I paused for a moment as I tried to get a better understanding of the graph. “Why…” I started as my mind grew lost in the math. “I don’t even understand this anymore.” I’m not sure why I said that, but Evenstar spoke before I had a chance to internalize any feelings of shame.

“The vertical axis represents the distance between you and me. The horizontal axis describes… time.” Evenstar caught himself on that final word. I would come to recognize that hesitation as a spark in his mind. “It doesn’t… It represents an interval.” His voice was so quiet I could barely hear the words he uttered, but his furrowed brown and searching eyes shouted that he had stumbled across a stroke of brilliance.

“Is something wrong?” Amethyst asked as she looked at the board once more.

“The graph…” he said confidently. “The graph is wrong.”

“But, I’m sure those values are—“

“Not the values, Amethyst. The criteria,” he said as he pointed to an empty section of the board. “Draw another graph, but this time…”
Amethyst looked to him with a cocked eyebrow as a small piece of chalk floated beside her. “This time… what?”

“The horizontal axis… it needs to be…” His brow furrowed in thought. “There’s something wrong with it.”

I looked to the board once more. By now, the graph was incredibly confusing, and I was beginning to forget the basic gist of the problem. “What…” I started, stirring the silence, “What exactly are we trying to do?” The words rolled off my tongue as though I had a mind to give up on the entire project.

“We’re trying to get this graph to accurately display our findings,” Evenstar said again, “but the graph’s horizontal axis… it’s… It’s only showing intervals!” He declared as he turned to Amethyst. “Amethyst! I need a new graph. This time, label the bottom axis as Time rather than x. Draw any diagonal line, and fit the data to it!”

“What?” I asked, confused by his sudden change in demeanor.

“The graph. The one that slopes off toward infinity, it’s wrong. That would be true if we slowed down as we walked, but we obviously didn’t. Now… I’m going to fit the data to a graph our velocity. We retained the same speed, which is why this graph doesn’t move.”

“Alright,” Amethyst said as she plotted the first set of data. “Now what?”

“Go ahead and draw another line in accordance with my speed.” As Amethyst drew the second line’s plot points and joined them together, they crossed. Never before in my life had I see a stallion so excited about crossing lines.

“What’s the big deal?” I asked as Evenstar gleefully cantered to the board.

“The big deal…” he started as his eyes darted across the board, is that we just used infinity against itself. “Look here.” He tapped on the intersection. “Using the old method, this never reached the value of the intersection, it was always just a small fraction of a unit off. Now, with time dropping to infinity as well, we’ve effectively removed that hindrance… We went to infinity.”

As though he had been captured by his own statement, Evenstar let his hoof slide down the board as he fell squarely on his rump. It was funny to me, and I believe I heard Amethyst snicker as well, but there was a beauty to his actions. He had, within a matter of hours, surpassed a huge threshold that had sat in his way for a long time. Infinitesimals like these were fundamental to the Analog equations he had devoted his life’s work to. Seeing them fall together so beautifully, watching them cancel themselves out so perfectly, well it was something that was lost on me at the time.
> XXXII: Constance
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Evenstar quickly wrote back to his former coworker with the exciting news of his discovery. However, there was something different about him after that day. I wasn’t able to put my hoof on it, and I was prepared to dismiss my thoughts had Amethyst not confronted me later that week.

I had finished my daily mail run, and Evenstar was nowhere to be found, as we had come to expect. We went about our morning duties in an attempt to keep the laboratory in working order, but the work felt monotonous. Evenstar was the life of the lab, and without him there at the crack of dawn as usual, the mornings felt unbearably long.

“Starswirl,” she asked, breaking the silence of the morning. “Have you noticed anything different about Evenstar lately?”

“I have…” I started as I idly arranged the stacks of mail on the table before me. “But I’m not sure what to make of it. He seemed fine before that letter from Zeno came.”

“What do you think he’s up to?”

“Up to?” I hadn’t considered the thought that he was researching. I thought something had called him away from his work.

“Yeah, I think he’s working on something again. I’m not sure why, but he seems distant whenever he’s working down here, like he’s always thinking of something else.”

“Well he’s probably got his mind on a lot of different things,” I offered despite believing otherwise. 

“Besides, we’ve got enough down here to keep us busy,” I said as I glanced over the cluttered tables in the room.

“That’s just it though,” Amethyst started as she set an apparatus onto one of the shelves and turned toward me. “I don’t think he needs us at all.” Her tone was surprisingly remorseful, yet understandably so.

“What do you mean? Of course he needs us.” Even as I spoke those words, a little seed of doubt was planted in my mind. What if he doesn’t need us?

“Well, he’s a genius. He goes off on these whims and we’re basically at his mercy whenever he decides to do anything. I mean, look at what happened with the letter from Zeno, he completely changed our work and now he’s hardly talking to us at all. Doesn’t that seem strange to you?”
I wanted to protest, to defend my mentor’s slander, but I was becoming increasingly doubtful myself as she continued to speak.

“All I do for him is lift things and write on the board.” The frustration in her voice was gaining momentum with each word. “I mean, have you ever seen him lift a hoof to help either of us?”

“That’s not what he’s supposed to do though, we’re here to help him,” I said, my head tilted ever so slightly at her change in tone. “We’re not in charge, Amethyst.”

Amethyst paused for a moment as she took a deep breath. The spark of anger flickered out before she spoke once more. “Sorry, I just feel like we’re not doing anything. I want to do things, Starswirl, I don’t want to be ‘just an assistant’ anymore.”

There was a part of me that agreed with her, but something else told me that she was wrong. I wanted to feel like a part of something bigger that I ever imagined, and that was happening by simply being in the laboratory with them. However, her fears were my reality. It was obvious that she was helping Evenstar, if only because she could lift multiple objects with her magic, but I was coming to the realization that I could do nothing.

She didn’t say much more during that time, but I began to reflect on my own position as we turned back toward our tasks. I was opening letters and sorting them, a pretty common chore that I had started to excel at, but I still had nowhere near the ability of Amethyst. And that was just opening letters, she could do so many more things than I simply because she had been chosen to have a horn on her skull and I did not.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized how handicapped I was in comparison. There were parts of the library that had been effectively sectioned off from me because I couldn’t reach them. In a way, I felt like a toddler in a kitchen, with certain things barred from me because I simply couldn’t understand their function. I wish I hadn’t dwelled on those thoughts for so long, because they were a poison that took years to purge and only moments to take.

“Amethyst, Starswirl.” Evenstar had entered, but this time he carried himself rather sluggishly. His words were slurred and he stumbled a bit as he walked toward us. Amethyst and I exchanged worried glances as we watched him lean against the nearest table; the wood groaning against his weight.

“Evenstar?” Amethyst asked as she walked to his side. “Is everything alright?

“Yes,” he muttered as blinked away his sleepiness eyes and weakly smiled at Amethyst “Everything will be fine.”

“What happened to you?” I asked as I stepped over to Evenstar and leaned against the other side of the table. “You look like you haven’t slept in days.”

“No,” he said with a chuckle, “Only one. I got a little carried away last night. You see, I can’t help but think about Zeno’s question, or rather, how we first started it. Remember when we made that curve that never reached the final intersection?” He paused himself to stifle a yawn. “Well, I think, if we were to go to infinity, it would get there.”

“Evenstar,” Amethyst said with a laugh, “I think you’re a little too tired for math right now.”

“And I think you’re not tired enough. I was up all night developing a new proof, and I’ve almost got it. I’m too tired to write, could you erase a board and let me talk it out to you?”

Amethyst paused for a moment before her lips stretched into a small smirk. “Alright, but only if we get to keep it there whether or not you’re actually right.”

“So, we know that, according to Zeno’s proof, the turtle and the pony do cross paths, but only when we use infinity against itself. However,” he said through another hearty yawn, “That is not what we observe when the horizontal axis uses regular intervals. Now, we know that the function will get closer and closer to that final crossing distance, but it never makes it. However, infinity is the ‘never’ of math. It infinity makes it.”

I know he was trying to sound profound, and I know that his sleep addled mind thought that it did. I also happen know that he didn’t appreciate us rolling on the floor in laughter after he said it. It came at just the opportune time, and the way he whispered infinity as though it were a deity’s name made my lungs hurt after a few minutes of laughter.

Initially, he was upset. I knew that much from the way he groaned as I slid from the table and onto the floor, but a few seconds after we started, he joined in as well. I’m not sure if he thought it was genuinely funny, or if his sleep deprivation had taken its toll, but regardless, we were all lost in laughter.

A few minutes later, and he spoke up again. “I guess that’s what happens when I try to be profound. However, I still think I’m right. The function will never reach the distance of intersection, but if we evaluate it at infinity, we find that it is indeed the intersecting distance.”

Amethyst wiped a stray tear from her eye as she wrote the final words onto the chalkboard. “Alright, Evenstar, you’ve given us your hypothesis, now you need to rest.”

“Rest,” he muttered as one of his eyelids drooped. “Yes, I think rest would be a good idea.” Sleepily, Evenstar hobbled to the bunk in the far corner of the room. Once he was settled into the bed, he was asleep in an instant.

“He must’ve worked himself pretty hard,” I whispered.

“I’m still confused as to why he thinks this is a good idea,” Amethyst muttered as she continued to scan over the board. “You can’t just use infinity like that. That’s not how math works.”

“It sure seems to have his attention,” I offered as I walked over to the board. “But I’ve never seen him like this before.”

“Neither have I…” Amethyst’s voice trailed off as she scrutinized the words. “But I can see why it’s so alluring to him. The concept of the infinitely small is one that could solve his Analog equation. I think he’s getting desperate.”

“Desperate?”

Amethyst turned to me with a cocked eyebrow. “You wouldn’t be? He just got a letter from somepony saying that they too were starting to think about the math behind infinity. The rest of the world is starting to catch up.”

“You mean…” I paused as my thoughts ran faster than my mouth could follow. “Evenstar’s competing with other mathematicians? Like some sort of race?”

Amethyst paused for a second as her lips pursed in thought. “Yeah,” she said as she began to nod, “I guess you could call it that. Challenger’s small tasks are nothing compared to what he might be doing.” I let my eyes drift across the room as Amethyst continued to talk. “Remember how he made the MBU? That’s what brought him enough money for him to have this laboratory. He used to talk about the cramped apartment he started in all the time during lectures.” The mention of Evenstar’s lectures cracked the flow of her words. I had a lot of things happen to me while I was attending his classes, and from the way her neck tensed at their mention, I figured she did as well.

“Amethyst?” I gently asked as she continued to look at the board.

“Hm? Oh, right.” Her body relaxed ever so slightly as she let out a deep breath. “Anyway, Evenstar had a lot of struggles in his apartment. You should ask him about it some time.” She turned to the bookshelves, and removed the device she had been inspecting before Evenstar had stumbled into the room.

“I think I will,” I said, trying to bring the conversation to a close. There was something off about her, and I didn’t want to start something, so I kept to myself. I’m not sure why I feared her, maybe it was the need for silence coupled with her nature in general. Amethyst was a controlling pony of sorts, although I’ve wondered if I had more to do with that control than she did. I looked up to her, seeking validation in a way as she was so magically superior to me. I wanted her to respect me, and I had no reason to think she didn’t, but I still ensured that I walked softly when the ice was thin.

Maybe she took that as a gesture of kindness, but it was simply fear masked behind itself. We stood in silence for hours as she and I both performed the same tasks over and over again. She would clean various instruments, presumably calibrating them for their eventual use, and I would find myself mulling through letters, barely understanding the words written on them. Once I had sorted the stacks of mail by sender, which had been completed hours ago, I would typically find myself looking through them, trying to make out their details.

Evenstar’s mail was an interesting pile of correspondence to say the least. He would regularly receive letters from peers, asking if they could have some assistance on their own projects. Challenger’s messages would trickle in on a weekly basis, each carrying fragments of the happenings in the mathematical world. Once in a blue moon he would receive an important document from a friend or peer such as Zeno. However, most of the letters were from nowhere in particular. They were commonly tossed in a pile, to be reviewed if time chose to allow it, and currently, time was more than willing to permit some snooping.

The first letter I opened was from a pony by the name of Constance. Inside, was a rather sloppily written note that I could barely read. However, within a few moments, I could make out the words scratched onto the page.

Evenstar.

You do not know me, nor do you care of my existence. However, I know a lot more about you than you may wish. I do not send this to bring harm, but I do wish to bestow a warning. You are not as hidden as you would like to believe. I know the secrets that lie beneath your prestige, I have seen the progress of your apprentice, and I know where your magical path leads. There is another who walks the same road. Make haste, Evenstar.

Truly, Constance.

I read the document again, trying to lift the veil from Constance’s foreboding language, but I only became more worried as I scanned the page. “What on earth?” I whispered to myself as I turned my attention to the remaining envelopes. None bore the same sender’s name.

“Amethyst?” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

“Is something wrong?”

“I’m… not sure,” I said as I gestured for her to come to my table. “Read this letter and tell me if you can figure out what it means.”

“Is this some sort of riddle?” she asked as she trotted to my side and lifted the paper from the table.

“Again, I don’t know. It’s from somepony named Constance. He seems to know about Evenstar’s work or something.”

“Mmm…” Amethyst hummed as she read the page. “This is interesting. Are there any other letters from this Constance?”

“Not that I could find,” I said, turning toward the pile of unread letters, “But I could have missed one.”

A moment later, and the pile was engulfed by Amethyst’s magic. It rose into the air as Amethyst began to sort them into an organized grid of paper. I was never able to completely remove my jealousy of her magic. She could do phenomenal things without lifting a hoof, things I would have done anything to try just once. I was happy to work with her and with Evenstar, but there was always a twinge of pain in my heart when her purple aura dimly lit the room as she worked.

“Well, there aren’t any in here,” she muttered as she placed the letters into several neat stacks on the table. She glanced to the bunk that was tucked away in the darkness.

“I don’t think we need to wake him up,” I whispered. “He’s not the youngest pony around.”

“What do you think it means?” Amethyst asked as she lifted the page from the table again.

“The letter? I have no idea.”

“Well of course,” she said as her eyes rolled, “but what do you think?”

“It sounds like this Constance pony knows about the analog equations, but I don’t see how anypony could.”

“The only way they could was if they had come down here in the early morning.” The tone of her voice echoed my confusion. Neither of us knew what to do. With Evenstar fast asleep, the day still young, and our imaginations trying to piece together the mystery, we had no idea what to do with ourselves.

I looked to the blackboard on the wall and winced. The research Evenstar had spent decades studying was proudly displayed for all to see. A chill ran down my spine as I realized the implications of the letter “What if they’ve already seen his work?”

> XXXIII: Shards
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Breaking the news to Evenstar was an event that I cannot soon forget. Amethyst and I decided against rousing him from his sleep, but we didn’t expect to wait as long as we did. We continued with our mundane chores for the next few hours as we dreaded his awakening. Neither of us wanted to tell our mentor that his life’s work had been compromised, but I ended up being the one to break the news.

When Evenstar stirred and groggily rubbed his eyes a feeling of numbness washed over me. It was as though I was watching my life pass before me and I could only observe. A page drifted up to my eyes and I began to speak.

“Evenstar,” my voice said with a somber remark, “you received a letter from a pony named Constance. In it, he claims that he knows of your work, and that you have competition for your analog equations.” My voice dictated the letter, but I could only helplessly stand there as I watched hundreds of emotions wash across his face. To this day I cannot imagine the kind of pain and fear that flickered in his eyes as I trudged through the letter; emotions that I was inflicting with every word.

By the time I was finished with my speech, I noted a single tear tracing its path down Evenstar’s cheek. He didn’t say anything as he rose from his bunk and stepped over to the chalkboard that held his precious equations.

“Evenstar?” Amethyst’s voice felt like it echoed as our mentor reverently sat down in front of the board. He was perfectly still, or so I thought, but as I approached him, I noticed his eyes. They were almost shaking, and I had half a mind to see if he was having some sort of fit, but I soon realized that he was looking for something.

His gazed drifted between every chalkboard he could see, his mind presumably taking in all the information it could muster. However, I soon noticed the matted fur beneath his eyes that he neglected to wipe away.

Then, without warning, he rose to his hooves, reached out to the board, and touched on one of the equations. A moment later, and he had smeared a long streak of smudged chalk across the board. I could almost feel Amethyst protesting from behind me, and I knew that the action shocked me. I watched silently as he withdrew his hoof, spun on his forelegs, and drove his hind legs into the board. A strange emotion stained his face as the chalkboard cracked underneath the force of his hooves. He let himself fall to the floor, his chest heaving in a silent cry that tore my heart apart. I was watching the pony that had promised me a future watch his collapse before his eyes.

“It’s all over,” he whispered to the floor in his crossed forelegs. Amethyst and I had drifted side by side by this time, and it was only when she whispered that I realized our position.

“I didn’t think he would take it this hard.”

I wanted to agree, but I couldn’t help but feel his pain. I had been in a similar situation only a few months prior.

“Why,” Evenstar whispered as he tried to rise to his hooves. His body refused his demand, causing him to fall back to the floor in a heap. “Why did this happen?”

“It’ll be okay,” I offered, trying to sooth his pain in any way that I could.

“Starswirl,” he muttered as he wiped the tears from his face, “It’s not going to be okay. I need a minute.” He rose to his hooves and stumbled out of the room. I was speechless, never before had I seen such a display of controlled rage from Evenstar. I couldn’t imagine what was going through his head as he walked through the door to the stairwell, but as it closed, I remember feeling completely helpless. The mentor I had grown to love had just lost everything and there was nothing I could do to ease his pain.

“I…  can’t imagine how he feels,” I whispered.

“I don’t think he can either. I know I can’t. Losing your life’s work so suddenly…” Amethyst’s voice trailed off as she turned back to the cracked chalkboard. For a moment, she seemed as though she would finish her thought, but she turned to me and looked into my eyes.

“You know,” she started without averting her gaze, “Evenstar changed when you showed up.” Worry filled my mind “He used to talk about the Analog equations like some sort of… impossible proof. He’s had his hunch for years, or so he claims, but I’ve never seen him look at infinitesimals before.”

“Well,” I started as I glanced to the chalkboard to evade her prying gaze, “he only got that letter from Zeno the other day.”

“No… It’s more than that… I…” she paused for a moment as searched for words to match her thoughts. “Evenstar… He never believed he could solve them before.”

“What?” I asked as I continued to let my gaze wander across the room.

“I think you may have given him the hope to continue.”

“Me?” I snapped my attention to Amethyst who only nodded in response. “Why me?”

“You’re the anomaly, Starswirl. You don’t belong here, you’re an Earth Pony. You should be out farming, doing what you were made to do, not cooped up in here doing magic that you can’t perform.”

I was flustered by her statement. Her tone was positive, but her words were harsh. I nearly stopped her, but she continued before I could protest.

“Look at yourself, you’ve got nothing but your mind. That’s all you need, isn’t it? You don’t need a horn, or an advanced degree, you just have to hope. Evenstar’s been working towards the analog equations for years now, but he’s never been as interested as he is right now, when he works with you.

“You never heard him when he used to talk about his work, how downtrodden he felt. Sure, he worked hard, but it was never inspired.” Amethyst let out a deep breath as she ran her hoof through her mane. “I’m not sure why I’m telling you this,” she muttered. “Sorry, I’ll just…” she started back to one of the tables and pulled several things onto its surface. “Can you help me with something?”

For some reason, that request sparked something in my mind. I guess I realized that Amethyst wasn’t as shut off as she had seemed. She had, in her own strange way, opened up to me and I… well… I’m not sure how I felt at the time. I guess I felt lost amid the chaos of the day. So much had happened, so much had been set in motion, that I couldn’t truly process everything at once.

So, I voided my mind of all distractions, stepped over to the table, and watched as Amethyst began her work. The jealousy I had felt so many times before was strangely muted as she cast her magic shell. The MBUs were unmistakably jagged, however, the shell itself had seen a major reworking since I had last seen it used, and she cast it without a second thought.

“So…” I muttered as I looked into the writhing stack of cubes. “What do you need me to do?”

“Alright,” she started, her eyes narrowing as she scanned over the page on the table. “This is all the math behind the shell, but I kind of want to…” she looked to the board filled with details on infinitesimals. “I think infinitesimals might be the key to my problem.”

“You mean the really tiny things?”

She snickered slightly, “Yes, the tiny things. I think they might work. I mean, ever since we started working with them, I’ve got this feeling that there’s something more to them than just being small.”

“What?”

She scanned the page once more as she hummed a few notes to an untitled song. “I mean, the shape is more or less a circle, and I know it’s volume by formula. What if I could bypass all of this altogether?” She pointed toward the dozens of grids that she had painstakingly drawn. “That took hours to make, what if there was a function that could do it all for me?”

We deliberated on that question for hours as Amethyst used me as her wall. She tossed ideas at me, and I just asked whatever questions came to mind. I didn’t know what I was doing, or if I was even helping, but she seemed to be enjoying herself. There was a spark of some sort in her eyes as she unleashed her mind on the problem. It was as though she craved working like this, powering her way through the complex spells and unleash their power. I loved watching her work as well, even if I wasn’t participating, I found ¬¬something about the development enchanting. The passion in her eyes sparked my own, and as she grew more excited as she chipped away at the colossal problem, I let my own mind wander as well.

What could we be unlocking? What impact could we make on the world? What secrets would we find hidden right in front of us?

“What do you think?” Amethyst asked, “do you think it would work?”

“What?” I asked as I shook myself from my trance.

“Have you been listening at all?” Frustration laced her voice, and I took a step back. Her gaze shifted to my hooves and then back to my face, her ears lowering as she replayed what had happened in her mind. “I- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.”

“It’s okay,” I said without reversing my movement. “I just got distracted.”

“Anyway,” she said as she turned her attention to the notes on the table, “I’m at a loss. It looks like we can guess where the value is at infinity, and be accurate, but there’s something that bugs me about the whole process.”

“Well, we are using pretty old math, right?”

“Old math?” Her eyebrow cocked as she drew closer to the page.

“Well… yeah. I mean, addition isn’t a new thing, neither are the rest of the systems we’re using, but they’re not made for weird things like infinity, right?” I was starting to connect the dots to a mathematical proof that had eluded magicians for centuries. I didn’t have any reason to think that I was right, in fact I was using her as a wall of sorts when I posed it. I still wish I could go back and argue my question, perhaps things might have happened differently. But alas I cannot do so, in good faith, as it would be irresponsible. 

“Math is timeless,” Amethyst protested as she tapped the page. “Addition doesn’t change, it’s the same as it’s always been. One plus one equals two, and that’s just how it works.” She paused for a moment as she looked back at her page. “Maybe you’re onto something, Starswirl, but I don’t see it. Math just can’t be ‘outdated,’ it’s right by definition.”

“Well, if it’s right, then why does it break when we try to look at stuff like this?”

Amethyst paused for a moment as she pondered the question. Finally, after about a minute of silence, she said, “Because infinity doesn’t exist in nature, or at least, I don’t think it does. Either way, we should wait to talk to Evenstar about things like that, he knows a lot more theory than I do.” She let out a yawn. “I think I’ll work on this tomorrow. It feels like we’ve been talking ourselves in circles, but…” she paused as her gaze met mine. She didn’t have to say anything, her eyes said it all, however she spoke all the same. “Thank you, I needed that. I just hate seeing Evenstar like this, and even if we didn’t get anything done, it helped.”

With that statement, Amethyst packed up her work and left. I hadn’t realized how late it had grown until the door closed behind her and I was left in the darkness of the lab. She had used her magic as the night had crept up on us, keeping the room rather bright, but now that she was gone, only the small flames in the lanterns lit the room in a dim yellow glow. The lab seemed different, almost eerie, in the veil of night. Everything was still, as though work paused whenever we left the lab, but for some reason, I couldn’t help but think about Constance.

I suppose it was the creepy feeling of the room that first brought my mind to that similarly strange letter. Who was Constance? How did they know about the Analog Equations? Where did they find out that Evenstar had an assistant? A chill rolled down my spine as my eyes as a new thought pushed its way into my mind. What if they’re here? My eyes darted to the darkest corners of the room as the feeling grew. Even the notion that I might not be alone was unnerving, but the circumstances surrounding that mysterious letter from Constance made my hooves tremble in fear. I quickly swallowed my growing fear and bolted to the door. I wanted nothing to do with the lab in such an unsettling state.
> XXXIV: Peace
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following week was one that drifted by solemnly. Evenstar had barred himself in his office since the revelation that his work had been compromised, and Amethyst and I had faithfully returned to the laboratory during his absence. I think we both put more thought into Evenstar and his condition than we did with the work we performed. There was something wrong with the way he stormed out of the room, the way he just left us to idle while he retreated. In a way, I think we were angry at him for, what we perceived as abandonment. We didn’t want to be left alone, we felt aimless without his intelligence. Never was this illustrated so clearly as the end of the week during one of our attempts at brilliance.

“What are you doing?” I asked as Amethyst added to the scribbles on the board. “You can’t just put those two functions together like that.”

Amethyst paused for a moment and cocked her head to the side. She studied the board for a moment before finally letting her gaze fall with a sigh. “You’re right, Starswirl… Thanks.”

“Hey, it’s alright,” I started, trying to breathe some life into her, but she didn’t seem to care. I had taken on the role of supervisor since Evenstar had stepped out and I was clearly out of my league. Amethyst knew more, but she had become so accustomed to taking orders that she would regularly ask me what to do after she finished a task.

“It’s not okay, Starswirl. I never mess up like this. This is the third time today and I’ve done nothing.”

The words hung in the air as the two of us watched the erroneous formula smudge to nothingness beneath the eraser. We had tried our best, that much was obvious, but there was nothing we could do but stumble aimlessly in the dark without Evenstar’s guidance. I knew we wanted to succeed, to be able to be like him, but he had something that neither of us had. He could conjure up things that fit the framework of math, and we could help him in getting the proofs written, but we were unable to do the same when he was away. We were a team, and with our leader gone, we were nothing.

“Why are we even trying?” I muttered as I let my rump drop to the floor. “There’s nothing here that we can uncover without him.”

Amethyst looked to the crossed out attempts at different proofs. Nothing coherent had formed from our stumbling research, and nothing sparked in us to continue our fruitless efforts. “I’m not sure anymore…” she finally admitted before releasing a hearty yawn and dropping to the floor. “I don’t want to leave though, there’s something soothing about this place.

I tried my best to push the memories of being watched out of my mind. I just wanted to take a break from the constant failure. It was relentless, and with several hours left in the day, the two of us had finally given up our pursuit. The question now was what do we do with ourselves?

Amethyst and I sat on the floor in silence for several minutes, neither of us talking, just simply resting as we were, idly letting that precious time slip away from us. It was peaceful for a short time, but the longer we waited, the more anxious I felt. There was something about doing nothing that started to get underneath my skin, something that really started to bother me on a fundamental level. Sitting around, wasting time, it felt… wrong, like there was something I could be doing, but yet, there was nothing that I could do.

Amethyst let out a sigh and rested her head onto her hooves. A moment later, and amethyst had retrieved a book from one of the shelves and levitated it before her face. It looked as though she could keep sitting there for hours, just idling the time away with her muzzle tucked into the story before her. I had always admired her for her ability to look past roadblocks like the one we now faced. As she began turning the pages to her story, I was left to my own thoughts, which were beginning to revolve around her. There was something inside me that just wanted to do the same as her, sit down and read a book, but books never really captured my attention for more than a few moments at best. I really didn’t have anything I could do aside from ponder what I might do, and as I did so, Amethyst began to frown.

“Are you staring at me?”

Her comment caught me off guard, but my trancelike state kept my mind level enough for a slightly coherent response. “There’s nothing better to do.”

“Do you not read books?” She asked, her question growing more pointed with each word.

“Never anything fake.”

“Fake? You mean fictional?” She asked as she set her book onto the floor and cast and angry glance in my direction. I’m not sure what caused her consternation, but as her eyes locked with mine, I noticed they softened a bit. It may have been my clueless expression, or something deeper, but her spark of rage dwindled and she let out a heavy sigh. “So you’ve never read any fiction?”

I shrugged in response. It had never been something that piqued my interest, so I never decided to pursue it.

“So what do you do for fun?”

“What do you mean?” I automatically responded as my mind began to process her implication. That familiar silence filled the room once more as I pondered her question.


“You know, what do you do when you take a break from life?”

“Well…” I stopped as my mind drew a blank. “I… don’t.” It was hard to say, especially as Amethyst’s eyebrow rose in confusion. I had always had my sights set on the future, trying so desperately to be part of the magical realm, that I had lost sight of who I was. It wasn’t a feeling that settled very well as a frown stretched across my face.

“So no hobbies…” Amethyst muttered as her eyes drifted to the cracked chalkboard on the wall. “You’ve just done magic?”

I nodded blankly. Magic was my passion, there had never been a reason to pursue something else to get my satisfaction in life. It was all I ever really wanted in life, and this was the first time that desire had been questioned. “Is that a problem?”

“No…” Amethyst shrugged as she turned back to her book, “I just don’t see how somepony can’t take a break from working all the time.”

“I love magic,” I retorted, my voice making Amethyst tense defensively.

“I didn’t mean that…” Her voice trailed off as she turned her attention to her book.

That was the first time I really made an effect on her. I didn’t mean to push her away, and yet the harshness of my voice did just that. It made her recoil, kept her from opening up, and I had caused it. “Amethyst?” I asked, trying to keep her from closing off once more. “I didn’t mean it like that… I just… well…”

Amethyst turned to me and opened her mouth to speak, but her eyes said multitudes more than her words ever did. She wasn’t mad, bitter, or upset, she wanted to say something but something else held her back. “It’s alright, Starswirl. I understand.”

“Amethyst?” I asked, this time much more quietly. “What do you do for fun?”

The comment wasn’t beyond our conversation, however she seemed taken aback by it. Maybe she had assumed the silence that had surrounded us was permanent, maybe she believed that I wouldn’t care to respond, but regardless, she jumped all the same. “Well…” she started as she set down her book, “I read for starters. I’ve done it ever since I was a filly. Other than that, I like astronomy a lot. There’s something fun about exploring the stars.”

“Really?”

“You sound surprised,” she said with a sly smile as she folded her book and withdrew a large rolled up sheet of paper from the side of the room. “With your cutiemark as a swirling set of stars, I’m surprised you haven’t looked into astronomy.” She rose to her hooves as she unfurled the scroll onto an empty table and silently walked over to it. I followed and watched her as she scrutinized the page. It was obvious that she was enthralled with the complicated chart, but I was more fascinated with the attention she was giving to it. I could only imagine that was how I felt whenever I started looking at magic.

Amethyst quickly met my glance before pursing her lips and focusing on the map once more. “Thinking about something?”

Blissfully unaware is how I would describe my actions up until this point. Henceforth, they were all quite calculated. “Oh uhh… sorry… just kinda… you know...” My mind raced to find an answer to why I had been staring into her eyes for seconds on end, but despite my best efforts, I was left stuttering like an idiot before her.

She stifled a laugh and pointed to the map before speaking up once more. “Trust me, this is much more fascinating.”

I said nothing. At this point, my lips had sealed themselves in a desperate attempt to keep me from sounding like a fool once more. I only nodded and turned my ever diminishing focus to the map before us. It was even more complicated than I realized at first. Intricate lines between the stars drew crude images of ponies in different positions. “Wow,” I whispered beneath my breath as leaned into the page. “I knew about a few of these… constellations, but I never knew there were so many of them.”

Amethyst smiled. “That’s only half of them. If you travel to the other side of the world, they’re completely different. And you know the best part?”

Her eyes sparkled with passion as I looked to them once more. “What is it?”

“They’re older than dirt.”

I frowned. “That’s not very fascinating.”

“Oh but it is! Those constellations used to be everything for ancient ponies. They would write about them, sing about them, use them to navigate, use them to tell the season, they were like gods to them.”

“I never really thought about it like that,” I said as I looked back to the map. Something about it seemed to beg me to inquire more, and, since time was in abundance, I did. “What kind of stories did they tell?”

I think my question may have made Amethyst just a little bit too excited, not in any negative sense, mind you. She went on for hours, lecturing me on the intricacies off the celestial gods and the whimsical tales that the ages had strung together. At times I would ask more questions, but mostly I was trying to keep her talking. It was entertaining to watch her get genuinely excited about something like this, and I only wished I had seen her in her element sooner. There was something magical about the way she just couldn’t help herself when it came to talking about something she loved.

As the day grew old, our eyes turned skyward as she continued telling the wondrous stories. Tales of warriors, pegasi, and the ever present northern start that kept watch filled the air was we took in the spectacle above us. It was a pleasant time, a time when we could both forget the hardships of life and just watch the stars drift past.

Peace… That’s the first time I really experienced it with another pony. It was a reassuring feeling, one that I would cherish forever more, but at that time, I felt happy. It wasn’t a feeling I felt often sadly enough, but that night I have no other words to describe my emotions. There wasn’t a pressure to be somepony that others said I couldn’t be, there wasn’t a drive to be developing the next magical proof, there was simply a spark of joy.

> XXXV: Erased
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Amethyst and I were well acquainted by the time Evenstar returned about a week later. We had made some minor progress on the proofs as we had spent most of our time stargazing. Astronomy was something that fascinated me, but that wasn’t why I was so profoundly interested in it. No, in a way, I feigned my interest so Amethyst would come alive like she did that one night. It was something I was rather fond of.

When he first entered the room, Evenstar didn’t say a word. There was no authoritative direction that we had been accustomed to, not that there was any need at this point. We had come to operate as automata in the lab with our morning duties, so everything was as it should be as he stumbled into the room that morning.

After surveying the room and seeing that all was in order, he spoke. “My apologies for my absence. I had some matters to attend to.” His voice was harsh, notably so

“Is everything alright?” Amethyst asked.

“Everything will be fine,” Evenstar mumbled as he stepped to one of the tables and gave it a hearty push. We cringed at the shrill scream of wood as it scraped across the floor.

“Will?” Amethyst asked as Evenstar brought the table came to rest beneath the chalkboard.

“Yes,” he said with a rather irritated glance at us. “It will take some time to get things working again, but it will be alright.” He turned his attention to the cracked slate and frowned. A silence filled the room as we all struggled to keep our gaze from tracing the cracks that marred its surface. It was a reminder to the threat of Constance that had ruptured our routine.

“Amethyst,” Evenstar started as he walked toward the bookshelves. “I’m sorry to say this, but your shell development will have to be put on hold. We have lots of work to do, and I need your magical expertise focused on the analog equations.”

“I understand,” she said with a sigh.

“Good.” Evenstar turned to address me. His eyes were filled with a wild determination that made me shrink just a bit. “Starswirl, I need your mind.”

“My… mind?”

“Yes. You’ve been in the laboratory for several weeks now. It’s time you start contributing.”

“Haven’t I?” I asked, shocked that Evenstar had failed to see my help thus far.

His stare hardened. “No. Getting mail, organizing books, and grunt work is not contributing to the research, it’s aiding it.”

“Isn’t that the same thing though?

“Semantics do not become you, Starswirl!” Evenstar growled. “It’s time you start blazing paths, not following them.”

Evenstar’s tone made me shrink further as I nodded. I didn’t want to cross him, now more than ever. Evenstar turned from me and looked back to the chalkboards. Nearly a decade of work was scribbled on the black slate, and the analog equations took up a decent portion of them. Proofs, formulae, and a mess of numbers and symbols were squeezed between others in a chaotic network of research.

“Erase it.”

“What!?” Amethyst and I both shouted. Before I could begin my protest, she started hers. “You’ve been working on this for years! You’re just going to throw it away?”

“And where are we now?” He didn’t turn to face us. “The analog equations are nowhere near completion and everything on that board is a testament to my failure.”

Now it was my turn to stop his madness. “That’s not failure, what you’re doing is failure! You can’t just give up on the analog equations!”

Evenstar’s head started to turn toward us. “Who said anything about giving up on the analog equations? We’re starting over, from scratch, taking the years of missing the mark and putting it behind us.”

I felt my head nodding halfway through his discourse. Behind his harsh words, he had a sense of understanding, hope, and determination that filled his spirit. It pushed him, forced him to make changes to his life so that he could finally reach his goals. It was inspiring, in a way, to see him like that. There wasn’t anything that he would dare overcome, but that made him much harsher than he had been before.

Amethyst lifted an eraser from the cradle and turned to Evenstar. Her gaze asked the question that I dared not speak. We both feared him losing his work, but he was more determined now than ever before.

Evenstar gave a single firm nod.

As the eraser began to smear the notes into a chaotic mess of chalkdust, I couldn’t help but twinge. I never wanted to see work destroyed like this, but Evenstar was convinced that this was the only way to his goal. I watched helplessly as the decades of work disappeared from the board. Nopony spoke, and the soft rhythmic scratching of the eraser on the board roared with every stroke.

As Amethyst continued down the board, traveling back through the years of research, the room seemed to grow dark. That was when a low rumble of thunder reverberated through the rafters above our heads. Nopony spoke as the three of us turned to the window to see a towering cloud approaching the mountain in protest of Evenstar’s decision. I believe Amethyst was the first to return to the board, and Evenstar soon after her, but my gaze lingered on the brewing tempest.

It was terrifyingly beautiful, like standing on the edge of a cliff and looking out over an ocean of clouds. On one side, you are admiring something much more grand than yourself, but on the other, there is an inner feeling of danger that makes you respect the scene all the more. At any given moment you could cease to exist. Your life would hang so threateningly in the balance that your own mind begins to beg you to back away to save yourself, but your fascination with the scene before you keeps you firmly planted in place. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that the storm marked me in a way I would never forget.

Despite the looming threat, the work continued, the room growing darker still as the wind began to stir outside. It wasn’t until the last equation was erased that the light sound of rain began tapping on the window.

Even with the newly prepared board awaiting our first proof, the room remained motionless as the storm began to demand our attention. It was early spring, so storms would become rather commonplace, but their intensity never ceased to inspire. Distant flickers of lightning dimly lit the room with a pale flash of white, easily outshining the network of lamps above our heads.

“So,” Evenstar said, snapping my attention back to the lab. “Where shall we start?”

“Well...” Amethyst started as she brought her hoof to her muzzle. “The analog equations have proven to be difficult to setup with typical math…”

“Right, and I thought we had something with that proof we solved a week ago, but that seemed to dead end as well. It was promising, but it lacked a mathematical backbone,” Evenstar muttered as a distant roll of thunder underlined his words.

“A backbone?” I asked as my mind began to recalling the day searching for the proof of the windows. “What do you mean?”

“Always with the questions,” Evenstar muttered as he instinctively looked toward the board. As his eyes caught its blank surface, the spark within flickered. It was subtle, but it was then when I realized how much he had given up and how hard he was trying to mask it. “Math doesn’t bode well when infinity is involved. You can’t do anything to infinity, it just is.”

“So…” Amethyst said as she lifted a piece of chalk from the holder. “Does infinity mean something to the analog equations?”

“I’ve toyed with the idea of using infinity for years now,” Evenstar muttered as he watched Amethyst draw the symbol on the board. “But I was never able to employ it. Amethyst, draw a grid with an arbitrary curve on it, I want to start from the beginning.”

Amethyst did as she was told, and I was finally beginning to catch onto why the analog equations had been so elusive. Neither Amethyst nor Evenstar had a way of dissecting the concept of the infinite with anything they thought to use.

“So…” I started as Amethyst’s line came to an end, “Where did this graph come from?”

Amethyst glanced at the piece of chalk. “Ummm… what?”

“Who came up with it? It hasn’t just always been, has it?”

Evenstar spoke first, “The idea of mapping functions on a coordinate plane like this dates back several hundred years. Why do you ask?”

“Well, how did they figure out how to use it?”

“Why does that even matter?” Amethyst interjected as a frown spread across her lips. “I think we should focus on the analog equations, not how we’re graphing them.”

“One moment, Amethyst,” Evenstar said as he held a hoof to her response. “What are you getting at, Starswirl?”

“Well…” I paused as I noticed Evenstar’s face, he wasn’t worried, but that’s the expression it bore. He was concerned about something. “They had to build a framework to allow functions to be mapped like this.”

“Go on…”

“What if we have been forgetting that framework for the analog equations? You said yourself that there wasn’t any mathematical backbone, so why not make one?” Either I had just displayed my ignorance in its entirety, or I had swept them off their feet, because neither of them made a sound. Amethyst looked to Evenstar, who returned the gaze, and then they both looked back to me. “Is something wrong?”

“Many things are,” Evenstar said as he started toward the bookshelves. “Developing a new method of mathematics is easier said than done, and if we’re already doing it with the analog equations, then adding another might make things even more difficult to finish in time.”

“In time for what?” Amethyst asked.

“In time to stay ahead of my competition… Ah, here it is.” Evenstar said before motioning for Amethyst to come to his side. “I have a book on the development of algebra and it’s graphing, maybe there are some clues in it that would speed up our research.”

Amethyst lifted the thick book from the shelf and began to read. “It’s pretty long,” she said as she rifled through the pages. It’d take at least a week to read it if I was scanning.

“That’s fine, I’m sure Starswirl is up for the task.”

I never really appreciated being volunteered to do something as monotonous as reading, but with everything changing so quickly, I only nodded in reply.

“Excellent, Amethyst, you and I will start from the opposite end. Hopefully our research will connect in the middle.”

“The opposite end?” She asked while laying the book at the table before me.

“You see,” Evenstar started as a deep rumble filled the room, “I’ve spent a lot of my life fantasizing about what these equations could unlock. What we’re doing could change mathematics forever. We live in an analog world, Amethyst. Everything around us exists in a world without boundaries, a world of infinity.” He waved his hoof through the air in a slow arc. “Math has always been in search of a way to describe the world we live in. Everything from addition and subtraction to the fundamental understandings of algebra are all things that we have made to look at the world around us.” He paused as a particularly loud clap of thunder echoed through the storm outside. “We’re taking the next step in math, and we’re starting now.”



> XXXVI: Approach
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spending several days reading about the development of Algebra was one of the most monotonously fascinating things I did in that lab. It was boring work to say the least, but there was still something rather enticing about it as I turned through the pages. I saw a connection between those age old philosophers and Evenstar, between their assistants and Amethyst. It brought a sense of wonder as I let myself become engrossed in the fanciful images that it conjured in my mind. They weren’t unlike that of the lab I was a part of aside from the more recent advances such as glass. It was interesting watching them work through the day, trying to figure out what I knew so intuitively now.

It was prophetic, in a way, of how I would one day look back on this situation and laugh at my own stupidity. The analog equations, those infernal methods that would tease our minds with solutions to unimaginable problems were so elusive to us. They laid right before our muzzles, and yet we were too blind to see them. The relationship of a line and its slope would unlock worlds beyond our wildest dreams, but we were unable to bring them together.

As I read further, I noticed the deception and lies that had been twisted into the lives of the philosophers. Many had once believed that they were the harbingers of the truth, but they were not unlike the ponies who held them in the highest regard. It was the lies which fascinated me most. In one rather striking instance, one had claimed to venture thousands of miles to an ocean to meditate, but there was something strange about his account. The time he was gone and the distance he could travel would never make sense. Even though ponies had said they saw him in cities walking toward the ocean along his journey, he could not have made the entire distance even at top speed. There always seemed to be something off about their work, and that forced me to raise a few questions of my own about the research we were performing.

The analog equations were the topics of discussion that constantly shot through the room. Despite having many dead ends, there was an underlying fervor to their work. Both Amethyst and Evenstar felt as though they had one last chance to prove his grandiose ideas. They worked tirelessly for nearly two weeks as I was occupied with my reading, sometimes leaving before them and arriving several hours after they did the following day. It was incredible to see them work with such intensity. Evenstar seemed to have cracked, in a way, as his focus was solely on those equations. He barely gave himself time to eat and forced Amethyst to work round the clock to keep up with him.

Every now and again I would sit back in my chair and let the two of them work as I just watched. It was so fascinating to see them play off of one another as they scrambled around the room. Evenstar would fire off a list of equations, which Amethyst would scribble on the chalkboard, erasing old ones as she went. They worked with an ever increasing intensity that enraptured me.

Over the first half of the week, the deliberated on how to approach the problem. Initially, Evenstar remarked that he and Amethyst would work from the back of the problem, attempting to solve the problems of the world with the abstract concept of the analog equations. This, however, proved to be even more difficult than developing the equations. I honestly think he just let his excitement get the better of him, but either way, the duo soon chose to focus on developing the equations again.

It wasn’t nearly as exciting, as prior they had struggled for months with seemingly no progress, but somehow the looming sense of dread was just a bit less oppressive. Earlier they had worked in a state of near depression about their work, but now… now they chose to embrace it. Every error they took only fueled their drive to work at the problem once more.

Every time I would sit back and watch, I noticed the two of them glancing in my direction on occasion. Evenstar’s consternation wasn’t easily masked, and I saw him sigh a time or twenty as he returned to whichever task he was working on. However, Amethyst was different altogether. While Evenstar turned toward me whenever he wasn’t working, she looked at me when she needed help. I didn’t pick up on it at first, but one instance tipped me off to the pattern.

Amethyst and Evenstar were, as always, going on about something that I was only halfheartedly paying attention to. Between their accelerated speech and my fleeting interest with my reading material, there wasn’t much I could focus on. However, the room grew silent and that’s what pulled my full attention to the two.

“That’s ridiculous,” Evenstar said as he cast a disapproving glare at the freshly drawn equation. His eyes scanned over it, each time slower than the last.

Amethyst only stared in response. The equation that drew our attention was one involving infinity. Only in desperation had Evenstar ever tried to employ the abstraction in his mathematics.

“There’s no way this is valid. Just look at it!” The more Evenstar ranted about its impossibility, the more troubled he grew.

“Why can’t it be valid?” Amethyst asked as she set the eraser aside. “It seems just as valid as one plus one equals two…”

“It can’t be,” Evenstar muttered as he furrowed his brow and drew close to the chalkboard. “But I can’t figure out why.”

With Evenstar now obstructing the equation, I let my eyes wander around the room. The board around the duo was filled with an oddly familiar set of graphs, equations, and diagrams. A few moments later, and I realized they were talking about the proof we had worked on only a few weeks prior. They had found themselves back at the analysis of the infinitely small distances the challenge had suggested.

“This doesn’t work,” Evenstar growled as he turned from the board. “If we solve it, we can prove that one can be equal to two, which can’t happen.”

“But look at the graph!” Amethyst protested as she pointed with the chalk. “The function arrives at 0 when x equals infinity!”

“Amethyst,” Evenstar started with a sigh, “I know it looks like it does, but we can’t be sure that the graph itself is accurate at that point.”

Her eyes squinted ever so slightly as she started looking around the room. She seemed to be searching for something to use as a demonstration, but nothing lent itself to her aid. Her intensity began to dwindle and, in what I can only assume as an act of desperation, she turned to me. It took her a half second to realize what her mind told her when our eyes locked, but when it did her mouth hung agape.

“Wait…” she whispered as she spun toward the board. “This equation doesn’t make sense because it includes infinity, right?”

“In essence, yes…” Evenstar said as one of his eyebrows began to rise. “What are you getting at.”

Amethyst tried to regain her composure, aside from a wry smile that spread across her face. She glanced to me and then to Evenstar. “We’re trying to use a bucket to carry air.”

“What?” Evenstar sounded as incredulous as I felt. “We’re doing math.”

She shook her head and started again. “Sorry, bad analogy,” she dismissed. “But I think I see what Starswirl meant!”

As you can imagine, the mention of my name snapped my mind to attention. I was not expecting to be referenced, and the sudden realization that I had been immediately put me on the defensive. I stared, wide eyed, at the two. Evenstar was as confused as I was, but Amethyst had a sparkle in her eye. She had figured something out.

“What are you talking about?” Evenstar asked as he shot a glance at Amethyst. “He hasn’t spoken all day.”

“When you were gone, Starswirl and I were talking about the shell spell I’ve been working on. When we started talking about the infinitesimals, he said something that I didn’t understand then. Now, however, it makes perfect sense!”

“Oh?” Evenstar asked as he took a step back. “And what might that be”

“We’re using old math.”

That’s when it clicked. My mind immediately recalled the time when we were talking about her magic. I had mentioned something about not being able to calculate using infinity because the math we were using was wasn’t built for such concepts. However, my uneducated mind at the time still demanded that something be done instead of giving up. I figured, if something wasn’t compatible with what we were observing, we should be able to make something that was. To develop a new branch of mathematics.

Amethyst’s gaze was locked with mine andm, had I been given a mirror, I would have seen that my face and hers were both stunned. Such monumental revelations weren’t meant for us, Evenstar was supposed to have them, but we had it instead.

“Then what do you propose we do?” Evenstar asked as he surrendered from the board. “What ideas do you have?”

Amethyst motioned for me to join her, which resulted in me bumping several tables as I galloped to her side. As I arrived before the board, she spoke. “I don’t know, but I think we do.”

I was too caught up in the moment to realize the implications to what she said. Instead, my mind was already swimming with equations, variables, methods and the philosophers who developed algebra, curiously enough.

“Alright,” I said as I took a seat and faced the board. “Why does this break math, Evenstar?”

“One of the quick tests I use to prove that something is invalid is the zero equals one test.”

“Alright, can you talk it out?”

“Certainly,” Evenstar said as he pointed toward the equation. “Right now, our function is Y equals one divided by X, which is simple enough. However, if we set X to infinity, we can’t divide X by infinity.”

My ears twitched at the mention of ‘can’t.’ “Why can’t we?”

“As I’ve said before: Infinity is a concept, not a number.”

“Alright, then we’ll fight fire with fire,” I muttered as I continued to stare down the board. “What happens when X equals ten?”

“Y equals one over ten,” Amethyst said.

“What about one hundred”

“One over one hundred.”

“And what about ten thousand?”

“One over ten thousand…”

Evenstar interrupted. “What are you getting at, Starswirl?”

I held up my hoof as my mind tried to bring the words to my mouth. I could see it ever so dimly, but I saw a solution. “It’s… going there.” Was all I could muster before silence took over once more. I shook my head and focused. I knew this was important, but the words refused to come.

“Where is it going?”

“It’s going to Zero, but… it never gets there.”

“What?” The two of them asked in unison.

“One tenth is small, but one hundredth is smaller, right?” I didn’t wait for them to respond. “Well, if we continue down the function, we see that it’s getting closer to the axis, but it never quite makes it. It keeps on taking steps, each one smaller than the last, for an infinite amount of time.”

“But we can’t rely on infinity,” Evenstar said. “So now we’re dealing with two infinite sums.”

“Yeah… we are, aren’t we…” I muttered as my confidence began to dwindle. I was so close, something was there, but it started to flicker. A silence filled the room as the idea began to falter. It was decaying right before my eyes, and I had nothing that I could do to stop it.

“You know, it’s funny…” Amethyst started, trying to break the silence. “We always talk about infinity like we know what it is, but whenever it shows up in equations, we don’t know what to do with it. I feel like we’re right back where we started.”

Come on… Think! I tried to drown her out, to keep my ideas in line, but her voice forced me to consider her words. So what if you find it funny, that’s not the point! The harder I thought, the less prevalent the idea became, it’s ethereal form vanishing in the background noise of my own mind. Sweat began to bead on my brow as I tried to force the final conclusion to come through, but it was to no avail. The concept that had tantalized me so powerfully had all but slipped from my mind, and the only thing I could do was watch it slowly fade away.

Then, when I released the notion from my mind, a new one appeared. We always talk about infinity like we know what it is… Her words rang through my mind. There was something there, something important. “Do we really know what it is?”

“Not exactly,” Evenstar sighed. “We just tell ourselves it’s something important and then dismiss its implications.”

“How?”

“Hmm?” Evenstar hummed at my retort.

“How do we dismiss it?”

“I’m not really sure…” he started, “But I think we just don’t even try considering something like it.”

“If we don’t try, why does math have to?”

“Because math’s math,” Evenstar said with a frown. “It has to deal with calculable values.”

“But why?” I’m not even sure I knew where I was going with this train of thought. I was trying to grasp the nature of the problem, but I was asking a looping question that seemed to get me nowhere in a hurry.

“That’s just the way math works, Starswirl. You should know that by now.”

I did know that, but I refused to take it at face value. I wanted a way to put my ideas into numbers. I saw that line, I saw it go to zero at its infinite end, but for some reason, I didn’t know why I couldn’t explain it. I needed a method, and that was where I was stuck. You couldn’t methodically count to infinity; it just didn’t happen. Infinity can’t be used it’s just a concept. “Can math even work with concepts?”

“Well, all of math is concepts,” Evenstar said with a chuckle. “I think you’re onto something, but I think you’ve lost yourself somewhere.”

I did not appreciate his observation. However, I kept my mind focused. “So we can conceptualize infinity, but math can’t?”

“Unfortunately you’re right. Math has no idea what to do with infinity.”

“But we can…” I whispered. “Wait a minute… Does math actually conceptualize anything?”

“No, that’s up to us to do. Math is just a notation.”

Amethyst chucked. “I believe some philosophers would like to argue the opposite. There are many ponies that suggest otherwise.”

“Alright point taken. But as for mathematics itself, we’re the ones who do the work, not the chalk,” Evenstar said. “Either way, I think we need to take a step back from this and approach it from another angle.”

As they began to dismiss themselves, I latched onto those last few words. We’re the ones who do the work, not the chalk. We do the work… so math doesn’t have to… That’s it.

“Are you going to resume your reading, Starswirl?” Evenstar asked.

I turned to the others and stared at them wide eyed in a state of wonder. “I… I think I’ve got it. We don’t have to make math do the work, we can do it instead.”

“Starswirl?”

“Amethyst…” I started as the world around me seemed to fade. “Can you write something on the board?”

“Uhhh… sure…” she said as she lifted a piece of chalk and readied herself.

“As X approaches infinity, Y goes to 0… because we can imagine it.”
> XXXVII: Epsilon
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You have my attention,” Evenstar said breaking the silence that had descended upon the three of us. “This is an interesting way to approach the problem, and it does seem to give a clear answer, but there’s nothing here that we can do beyond conjecture.”

Amethyst spoke up. “If it’s just conjecture, what’s the point?”

“Because…” Evenstar whispered as he brought his hoof up to the board. “I’ve never thought about using infinity like this before. Starswirl, I think you’re onto something.”

That sentence sent a chill down my spine. No longer was I the second rate earth pony with little to no magical understanding. I was finally doing what I had wanted to all along. The concept was my own, one that I had found drifting through my mind, not cherry picked from somepony else.

“However,” he continued, rupturing my train of thought, “This is just a theorem. We can’t use it until we know it’s true.”

“But isn’t it obvious?” I asked in half astonishment. I had yet to realize that the two of them did not see so clearly what I had conceived, and that my incredulous responses would not assist in their understanding.

“It seems to be true for this case, but what about others? There may be substance here, but there is a chance that this method only works with one over X, or a similar problem. It’s not mathematically sound as of yet.”

“What do you mean, yet?” Amethyst asked as she cocked an eyebrow. “Is somepony else working on it?”

“I can’t say for sure, but it’s promising enough for us to take a look. Who knows, maybe this will help us with the analog equations.”

His words were so nonchalant that they hung in the air before they made sense to my mind. Evenstar was offering to sacrifice time on his life’s work to pursue a fleeting idea I just had the chance to solidify in my mind. There was a sense of curiosity about him, something that I rarely saw in his tired eyes. The conjecture was beginning to enrapture him, just like it had with me. With every minute that we considered starting to work on them, the more alert the both of us became.

“You sure you want to do this?” Amethyst asked as she glanced at the board. “The Analog equations—“

“I know,” Evenstar interrupted. “They need to be our main focus, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that this will somehow be useful to us. It’s describing infinity, but that’s just an infinitesimal by any other name. The notion that Starswirl may have come across a method for calculating with infinity is not to be taken lightly.”

Then, without warning, he turned to me. “So, Starswirl? What do you think?”

“What?” I asked as I retreated with a few steps. “I mean, I don’t know. It’s not like I have any real say in the matter.”

“Why not?”

“You’re the researcher, not me. This is your lab; you do what you feel is most important.”

“Starswirl,” Evenstar said as his lips stretched into a subtle smile, “I may be the researcher here, but this is your idea. I can’t see what you saw, I can’t know what you know, so I can’t, in good faith, choose either way without getting your input.”

I looked to Evenstar and then to Amethyst. Their eyes were full of questions, as I am sure mine were, and I was the only one who could answer. Evenstar needed what I saw to bring it to reason, but he needed to know what I thought about it. I had the fate of the analog equations in my hooves.

“Well?” Amethyst prodded, forcing me to lock eyes with her. I could see she was almost as apprehensive as I, her eyes whispered of worry and excitement wrapped into a tumultuous chaos in her mind. I’m not sure how I knew, but I felt it as she stared into my own eyes.

“I guess…” I started as I tried to collect my thoughts. “If it won’t take too much time, I think we should at least try.”

“Excellent,” Evenstar said with a nod. “Remember, Starswirl, inspiration will strike at the most inopportune times. You have chosen well.”

And then the room fell still. I was expecting Evenstar to lead the project, but for some reason, he had decided to put me in charge instead. “Well?” he asked as he took a few steps from the chalkboard with Amethyst quickly following. “Where shall we begin?”

“What?!” I nearly shouted. “I don’t have a clue!”

Evenstar snickered. “You’ve got an idea, that’s all you need to start. The better question is: Where do you want to end up?”

I caught myself before I responded with my ill-conceived answer and pondered the question for a moment. Where do I want to end up? The question was one that I never really considered before now. I had always put large vague goals before my life, ones that I had only start to cross, and even then I never really knew when I did. I wanted to study magic, but I had been gradually dropped into the subject, not suddenly woken up one day as a magician.

Either way, I now had to figure out what I could do with this concept and prove it, with the help of the others of course. The more I thought about my responsibility, the more worried I became. “Uh… I have no idea where to start. I mean, sure I’ve got a concept of what I can see in my head, but I don’t know what to do with it.”

“Have you ever heard of mining?” Evenstar asked as he gestured toward a hunk of raw ore lying on one of the bookshelves.

“Well of course. Why?”

“I’ve used this analogy in my classes when discussing research. I think it’s quite relevant now. A hunk of ore alone is worth nothing. It would take hundreds of hours to extract the gold laced inside of it, but there’s hundreds of bits worth in that rock. Your concept is like that ore. It’s not very valuable in a useful sense, but once you refine it, mathematically explain it, prove it… then its value becomes apparent.”

I nodded as my mind slowly wrapped itself around the process ahead. It wasn’t going to be easy, nor was it going to be fast, but in the end, we were going to get our effort’s worth.

“So…” Evenstar prodded. “Where do we begin?”

“Well,” I said as I turned toward the board, “I guess we should start with what we need. It looks like this whole thing has potential, but so far all we know is that the process can show that one over X at infinity is 0.” I paused for a moment as I stared at the graph. “So what if we went the other way?”

“There you go,” Evenstar said as he watched me with his powerful gaze. “Now you’re getting it. Explore the concept, feel it out. The more you play with it, the more it will tell you about itself.”

I watched, in my mind’s eye, as X approached zero. As it did, the value of the function itself rapidly increased to incalculably high numbers. It seemed to approach infinity. The more I explored the idea, the more I felt I understood it. There was something about it that let me peer into the world of the infinite, to see its secrets, and that was a source of unending excitement and wonder.

“So, we can conceive this motion toward zero,” Evenstar said, trying to draw my thoughts together, “But what else can it do? Does your concept do anything mediocre?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, we need a place to start. Here,” he offered as he tapped on the board. “Here’s a simple function, Y equals X. What can your concept do?”

We deliberated for nearly a week on how to approach the idea. Evenstar and I put our heads together to figure out the equations, and Amethyst told us when we were dead wrong whenever we incorrectly surmised a solution. The math turned out to be much more finicky than I had thought, but the concepts therein were so tantalizingly accurate that we refused to give up. It had taken months for us to come to such a strange way of describing math, and yet we were still so far from understanding its true use.

As we neared the end of the week, we had filled most of the boards with different conditions that Evenstar and I had put together to try and break the idea. Some of them shattered it completely, offering answers of both positive and negative values for infinity. Some others were mathematically sound in the most juvenile way. It was these quirks that really drove me to understand the fundamental issues with the mathematics that we were trying to solve. There was something about the typical procedures that never felt quite right, and blazing a new trail to unlock the secrets of infinity was something that drove me to work harder than I ever had before.

Despite our efforts, it took quite a while before we finally started making headway on the concept. We had at least given it a name, the limit. By now, the three of us seemed to have a fairly decent grasp on the way this limit worked. Our efforts to prove it wrong had become rather predictable.

In short, the limit of a function was like adding a bit of magic to a standard function. Instead of just plugging in a value for X to solve, you guessed closer and closer to that value of X until you figured out where it was heading. Just coming up with that description alone took all of our heads put together, but it eventually wrought a strong foundation that we could use to build our proof. That method of bringing the function closer to the desired value worked if you could use your imagination to fill in the gaps. It even seemed to work on functions specifically designed to have no answer at a certain value for X. Since we could bring our imagination into the mix, our understanding of mathematics was beginning to grow.

Evenstar, Amethyst, and I worked feverishly to understand why such a strange concept would work so reliably. It wasn’t until that one fateful day that Evenstar had a breakthrough. I remember him racing across the room to the board with Amethyst hot on his tail. He had figured something out in his office and he was ecstatic to find out how he had possibly proved the limit.

“Alright, I’ve got something so crazy it just might work,” Evenstar repeated to himself as he rifled through the papers on a table. “Amethyst! You might need two pieces of chalk, because I’m going to talk fast.”

A moment later, and Amethyst had readied herself by the board. She and I both stood with baited breath as Evenstar composed himself.

“We can use this limit method for finding the slope on typical functions, right?”

We nodded as Amethyst began to write.

“And we’re trying to figure out the infinitely small portion beside the final X value, right?”

Again we nodded.

“Then in that case, what if we subtract an arbitrary value from our X value and take its absolute! By definition, we should be able to take the answer that we know and find it’s displacement on the Y axis as a function of the function’s absolute value when subtracted from the final limit!”

Neither Amethyst or I had followed him through that train of thought, and his conclusion left us profoundly confused.

“It finally makes sense!” Evenstar shouted moments later before galloping around the room.

“Alright,” Amethyst whispered through the side of her mouth. “If you take him down, I can tie him up and we can get to the bottom of this.”
> XXXVIII: Delta
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“This is rather uncalled for,” Evenstar muttered as he strained against the lengths of rope around his forelegs. When Amethyst initially suggested we physically restrain Evenstar, I didn’t believe her to be serious. 

Once he coupled this newfound energy with his small dose of physical clumsiness, we restrained him for the benefit of us and the lab.

“I think it was quite called for,” Amethyst muttered as she carefully lifted the several items that had been tossed from the desk and returned them to their place. “I’ve never seen you like that.”

“To be honest,” Evenstar started, “Neither have I.”

I let out a small snicker. The whole chaotic event had happened in only a minute’s time, but it felt as though it had lasted an hour. It seemed that everything suddenly slowed down, time itself bending to the chaotic stumbling of Evenstar. He had bumped a few tables, and the one that we sacrificed to bring him to a halt had been all but destroyed from my well placed sidestep. I don’t think I hurt him, but even if I had I would have snickered all the same.

“Is something funny?” Evenstar asked as a wry smile spread across his lips.

“Oh many things are. Just look at us. We had to tackle a fully grown stallion because he was giddlily prancing through the tables because of some numbers.”

“Galloping,” Evenstar sternly corrected. “Prancing is for fillies.”

“So is knocking over tables,” Amethyst chuckled.

“I was pushed!” He howled, causing us to erupt in laughter. It wasn’t a scene that we saw frequently in the laboratory. When we did it was nothing short of magical though. These moments had led to the three of us to become good friends. Evenstar’s initial cold and calculated exterior had given way to a warmer natured old stallion. He was precise, but he was a lot more easygoing than I initially imagined.

It took several minutes for us to regain our composure, but as the laughter settled, Evenstar’s confidence returned. It was evident that we were on the precipice of something great, that much I could determine from his eyes.

“Well,” I started. “What did you discover?”

“Hmm?” he hummed, “Ah yes, the proof. You see, Starswirl, I think I’ve finally convinced myself that you are indeed correct about your assumption. These limits seem to be the key to unlocking the world of the infinite. Math seems to no longer stand in its way.”

“How so?” Amethyst asked as she stepped to the chalkboard.

“Well, I haven’t discovered anything. It was Starswirl that made the discovery. I have just simply proved it, or at least, I think I have.”

Amethyst readied her chalk.

“Alright, here’s the idea. What is the limit of Y equals X as X approaches two?”

“Well it’s two… Obviously.” I said, a bit confused by his simple question.

“Exactly. So what about X equals one or three?”

“That’s one or three…” I still had no idea what he was getting at.

“So, what distance is one away from two?”

“It’s… one unit away? How is this important?” Amethyst asked as she let the chalk fall to its tray.

“Just watch,” Evenstar said. “So when X equals Y, if a point is within one unit of 2 on the X axis, it is, by definition, one unit away from 2 on the Y axis.”

As Amethyst drew that graph on the board, it slowly started to dawn on me what Evenstar had pointed out. There was a measurable, consistent distance between X and Y that could be calculated. “So then all we have to do is make that distance arbitrary, and then we have our proof!”

“I…” Evenstar sputtered as his head snapped toward me. “Well yes, of course! And then, once we find our solution to that function, we can then, retroactively, prove all other functions! By making that arbitrary distance small enough, we can get as close as we want to our answer!”

With those two statements, we had fundamentally solved the problem of infinity. We had used such a strange concept against itself in order to further the world’s understanding of itself. Looking back on that exchange, the time when we first cracked infinity, I never truly understood the impact that we had just made. Not only did it open doors for a new way of evaluating functions, we opened doors for an entirely new branch of mathematics. I was still an infant in my understanding of these concepts, but as time went on, we realized the implications of our discoveries.

Amethyst hurriedly wrote the proof on the board, outlining the indescribably huge amount of time spent on its formulation in one small equation. We all stood in silence as she let the small piece of chalk drop to the tray. It was a reverent silence, one that urged our core to remain nearly motionless in the presence of such a monumental yet tiny concept in mathematics.

“Well…” Evenstar said several minutes later, “That’s step one.”

“Step one?”

“Yes. We can’t tell a soul about this proof until we’ve ensured that it is sound. Then, once that has been completed we must begin drafting a proof to the Academy for a formal review. Once it is approved, then we may request publishing. There’s a long road ahead, but luckily, the hardest part is behind us.”

Amethyst spoke up. “Also, we have a long list of other things to accomplish ahead of us. Evenstar has done this process before, and since I can use magi-”

The motion of the conversation ground to a halt. I hadn’t realized it, but Amethyst had struck a sort of nerve in my heart. My ears began to ring as I mulled over the implications of her sentence. They didn’t need my help. I was just a pawn. Every fear and self-destructive thought that I had toiled over only a few months prior suddenly came racing back to my mind.

“Yeah… no problem.” I said as I choked back my tears. “I’ll keep everything else… clean and organized.”

“Starswirl, I didn’t mean it that way…” Amethyst pleaded.

I wanted to believe her, and I did in my mind, but my heart fought against my reason. It was the first time since I had started that I was reminded that I was somehow lesser than they. Their understanding and control of magic far surpassed my own, and despite the intentions of her words, they stung deep.

“I know, it’s fine.” My lie wasn’t well crafted, but it kept her from prodding. The last thing I wanted was to let her know of all the chaos that began swirling in my soul.

The two set off on their work, hurriedly scavenging for paper and books, but I could only sit and watch as they began the next step. Their focus was now directed on formalizing the proof, something that Amethyst had studied and Evenstar had practices. They had experience here, just like their experience in magic, and I didn’t want to disturb them.

So, to keep myself busy as they busied themselves, I turned my attention back to the book I had been assigned to. I had just reached the chapter where the philosophers were addressing the public about their discovery of algebra. To be honest, I had expected the discovery of their studied system to mark the end of the story, but rather it came near the beginning.

At first I had no idea why, and as the philosophers began their lectures, I finally understood why. Algebra wasn’t just a new set of equations or some other generic solution to a problem. No, instead it was just the beginning for the ponies who took the system of algebra and used it to its potential. The creation of algebra, that fundamental ruleset for discovering variables in equations, wasn’t blazing a new trail in science, it was like finding a completely uncharted continent. The more they professed and lectured about their discoveries, the more they realized what potential it had. Months went by with the two of them becoming extraordinarily famous for their work, and yet, they had no idea of the vast number concepts that would emerge from their discovery. Algebra had changed the face of the planet.

I tore myself from the book as Evenstar galloped across the room to retrieve something. “You don’t even know what you’ll do to this world… do you?” It was an interesting thought, one that I hadn’t considered until now. The research into the Analog Equations wasn’t really research into equations at all. It had the potential to be so much more than a simple equation, and the more I thought about it, the more I wondered why he had called them equations in the first place.

We were looking for a system, a way of relating two seemingly independent components. There wasn’t any equation involved, rather, it felt as though looking at the entire system as an equation was something that would limit our appreciation of its power. “You don’t know what you’ve stumbled across… I can only hope that you get to see the fruits of your labor, Evenstar.”
> XXXIX: Draft
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“And done!” Evenstar said as he lifted his hoof from the envelope. “Now for the Academy to see what we have discovered.” We had worked through the night to draft the letter for review. Now the first rays of light were scattering through the dust in the laboratory.

“So what’s next?” Amethyst asked as she looked at the envelope. “Do we just wait for a response?”

“Well, in theory, yes. However, once the Academy realizes what we have stumbled across, we may be called to give a presentation on our findings. I was asked to present when I discovered the MBU, and I assume they will be interested in our development of this system as well.” His gaze drifted to me. “I think they’ll be very interested in finding out how an earth pony come up with this. It might help your race establish some presence in the world of magic after all.”

“Yeah,” I muttered as I turned my attention back to Amethyst. She was still fixated on the small note that contained the fruits of our recent labor. “So we just mail it?”

“Indeed we do. However, while it’s in transit, we can continue our work on the Analog equations.” Evenstar turned to the board.

At the mention of the equations, I remembered the philosophers and their algebraic discovery. “Why do you call them equations?”

“Well, at the end of the day, there will be a set of equations that will finally describe what we’ve been searching for.”

“Well, why is it just an equation? Isn’t it something more?”

“What do you mean, Starswirl?”

“Well, you had me reading this book about algebra’s development. They develop the concept of algebra pretty fast. The rest of the story is about how it impacts the world. I think… I think your Analog equations are like that.”

Evenstar smiled a smile of pure gratitude. “Starswirl, I cannot, for the life of me, fathom the impacts that my work may hold. I will be gone long before my lowly equations change mathematics. The philosophers who toiled over Algebra died long before their ideas took hold. We’re on the threshold of something great, but it’s a greatness that you or I will likely never witness.”

As you can imagine, I was rather shocked at this statement. It felt as though Evenstar had given up on himself and yet was ready to accomplish his goal all the same. It wasn’t something I would be able to swallow with such a concept. I wanted to see the world change. I had this burning desire to watch my life affect millions more. Somewhere in my soul though, I knew Evenstar was right. Facing that inevitable obscurity would become one of the most impossibly difficult things I would ever face. It would come in many different flavors.

“So you’re saying we’re not going to see what other researchers will be doing with limits either?” Amethyst asked.

“No, I’m saying I might not,” Evenstar said with a sigh. “I’m already old as it is.  It will take several years for the limit to start being used in theoretical magic. I’m afraid I might not be around for the several years to witness it.”

Amethyst and I exchanged an uneasy glance. This was the first time Evenstar had acknowledged his age, and it was rather disconcerting to us.

“It’s been quite a while since I’ve seen an old stallion talk about death after galloping around a room,” Amethyst said.

Evenstar chuckled. “You’ve got me there, but I fear I may soon see my own body fail me.”

“Evenstar,” I started as I watched his entire persona droop. “What’s gotten into you?”

“To be honest, I’m not entirely sure. I believe it has something to do with how you were able to see the answer to the limit so clearly. It’s been ages since I’ve had an epiphany like that. As time goes on, I fear I may find myself trapped in a state where my mind will begin to fail me as well.”

The entire room fell silent as the implications of his words began to rot his research. If Eventstar’s mind began to fade, all of the progress he had made toward the Analog equations would be lost as well. Neither Amethyst nor I wanted that. It was the first time that Evenstar had ever even subtly hinted at the notion that he may fall short of his goal.

“Evenstar, listen to yourself,” Amethyst said. “You’re just about to put in a letter to the Academy to ask for a peer review on a system that has the potential to change math as we know it.”

Evenstar’s gaze drifted between the two of us. His eyes were asking a question, a question to himself. It felt like he was holding something back, trying to keep something hidden.

“Is something wrong?” I asked.

“Not necessarily,” he said with a heavy sigh. “I suppose we should start working on the analog equations as soon as possible. We may not have much time.”

I shot a glance toward Amethyst who was doing the same to me. “Well,” I started, “Let’s get to work then.”

Evenstar stepped over to the chalk board and motioned for Amethyst to follow. He seemed to walk slower than before. If that was from his possible physical decay or from his own mental burden, I cannot say. His words still carried their usual power. “Go ahead and erase the work on the limits. We’ve come to understand them well. However, leave the first thing you wrote, the revelation of Starswirl. From now on, I’d like that to remain.”

“I think that’s a good idea,” Amethyst said as she began to erase the weeks of work. “Keeping mementos of success can really help lighten the mood.”

“This isn’t about the success, Amethyst. I’m not through with it. I believe the limits, their fundamental nature and their manipulation of infinity may prove worthwhile in our research.” Evenstar’s confidence induced a swelling pride in my chest. I had done something that benefited their work in spite of my limitations. However, that feeling of pride was immediately met with a feeling of despair, for I knew would never be able to surmount those problems.

“What do you mean?” Amethyst asked as she placed the eraser back on the tray.

“Well, I believe infinitesimals may prove useful in our description of slope. I’m not sure how, and I’m not sure why, but I have a hunch. If I’m correct, the Analog Equations are much closer than we realize. Now all we have to do is figure out how they work.”

The room fell silent as Evenstar stared at the board before him. My description of the limit was something that had marked him. His curiosity about the nature of infinity was beginning to become rather apparent. This was a make or break moment. Not this exact time, mind you, but rather this was beginning of his final stretch. His acknowledgement of his decay was his final hoorah. With every minute that ticked away, our work became more focused A bit more frantic as well. 

Evenstar spoke up, requesting that Amethyst begin writing down the equations that he would fire off. The routine was typical for our laboratory, and it was one that rarely involved my participation. Aside from the limit research, I had little place in their system. They would devise the proofs, argue over formula, and generally disregard the situation. I never protested for that would be out of line on my part, but the lack of inclusion was rather saddening at times.

So, after I had completed the typical chores, I continued reading about algebra. It quickly became apparent that as their research tapered off, so did their wellbeing. It wasn’t initially obvious whether or not they outlived their work of if it outlived them, but as I read on, the message became clear. Their work was something that only grew in magnitude as time went on. To be honest, they thought they saw the ultimate end to their achievements, as the world began to embrace the concepts of algebra, but it was only the starting point. From there, their research began to push mathematics and magic into a new era of understanding.

Never before in my life had I felt so conflicted about such an accomplishment. They were able to bask in the glory of their discoveries, but they were also completely unaware of what would unfold in the future because of their work. I turned my attention back to Evenstar, just like I had the day before, as the two worked. I realized that he bore a striking similarity to the philosophers.

However, as I tried to ponder those notions, I realized my mind craved something else entirely: sleep. I had been up all night, helping the duo when I could to draft the letter. Now that my work was done, I let my head begin to nod. It wasn’t a voluntary action. I wanted to stay awake and continue my assignment, but alas, sleep prevailed.

As consciousness faded into blissful darkness I let my gaze rest on Amethyst. Her diligence only brought more sleep to my mind. It was a gentle calling, but one that finally pulled me away from reality and into my mind. However, as my eyes closed, the image of Amethyst remained. It was fixated on her, for some reason, and I had no problem with such a circumstance.
> XL: Heart
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sleeping through the day always made me wake up at the strangest times, and this day was no exception. I slept through most of the afternoon, and as the sun settled for the night in the west, I stirred from my sleep. The first thing I noticed was the pain. Falling asleep in a chair was never a comfortable affair, rather it was driven by necessity. So, as I lifted my head upright, a dull ache crept through my neck.

Stretching helped a bit, but I still winced as I swung my head from side to side. As my mind stirred from its slumber, I noticed that the room was dark and surprisingly quiet. With all the attention I could muster through my veil of drowsiness, I realized that both Amethyst and Evenstar were nowhere to be found.

“They must have gone home,” I whispered. Even the soft words seemed to echo in the cavernous laboratory that I had come to call home. As I let my voice fade from the room, I was met with an eerie silence. It wasn’t terribly frightening, mind you, but it felt out of place as the time went on. The lab didn’t seem alive. Obviously it wasn’t typically in a state that one would consider alive, but it had a sprit and personality all its own. The powerful spells and mathematics that were conjured up in the room belied its humble nature.

There was nothing, aside from a few scattered equations, that would make this room great on its own. It was a cellar, and the more I let my scrutinizing eye gaze over its derelict appearance, the more disgusted I became. Not with the room, mind you, but rather with my own opinion of it. I had placed it in such high regard that I convinced myself that it was the source of the magic that we conjured up. However, as I could so clearly see in the waning light of the evening, the room was little more than that… just a room. Sure it was filled with incredible books, research, and hard work, but there was nothing more to it than that.

The walls were covered in uniform chalkboards, aside from the one that had been cracked in a fit of rage. Aside from its base organization, the room was anything but orderly. The tables had been moved, their surfaces littered with devices and contraptions that we had used during our studies. The bookshelves were orderly, but the scrolls and various items that rested on top of them disregarded that order.

For some reason that I cannot remember or conceive, I rose from my chair and ventured over to the cracked chalkboard that stood so prominently before me. There was something of a draw it had on me, and as I ventured closer, I began to focus on the cracks that emanated from the point of rage. My mind flashed back to the letter from Constance, and that eerie feeling that had washed over me when I had, as now, stood alone in the laboratory. There was this fear that I was being watched that permeated through my mind. It had captured me and urged my soul to leave at once, lest this Constance character approach me or something of a frighteningly similar occur.

However, as I stood in that room with the light slowly fading to the gentle flickering of the candles above my head, I no longer had that feeling. Something had changed about Constance and his terrifying name. Instead of feeling afraid, I felt… determined. I had no real reason to feel this way, but there was something inside of me that refused to let constance’s threat bother me as it had. It may have been in accordance with my own development of the limit, or it may have stemmed from the realization that I was rising above the world in an attempt to prove it wrong, but whatever the reason, the fear was no more.

Evenstar’s desperation to find the Analog equations had been amplified with the notion of another pony researching his work, and that desperation was something that was both marvelous and terrifying at once. In his desperation he had begun to turn toward infinity. As I looked across the board, that harrowing symbol of the unknowingly immense littered equation after equation. He had begun searching a field that he had once believed to be unusable, and as he worked, he seemed to find something of a power in the immensity. It solved many problems that we had once faced, but with it came hurdles and challenges that seemed insurmountable.

I could go on for hours about infinity and not even scrape its surface. However, I believe that Evenstar was beginning to understand its nature, to finally pull the reality of infinity into a usable system. That usability came from the hastily drawn equation that sat front and center of the chalkboard before me. It was the equation amethyst wrote as I had uttered the epiphany that had dawned on me so suddenly. Evenstar refused to let that become covered with his own work, and the equations that surrounded it were bent and contorted to avoid encroaching on its seemingly sacred space.

As I stood in awe of the work before me, a new feeling struck, one that had dwelled in my mind so long ago and had driven me to darkness. It wasn’t powerful, yet its plea was strangely persuasive as I scanned across the board. “They don’t need me,” I whispered as my eyes searched the board for any other sign of my influence. When none presented itself, I let the voice speak a bit louder. It reminded me of the times when Amethyst moved something faster than I, or when she could lift seemingly thousands of objects into the air with little effort. I was always stunned by her ability to control magic, and I have yet to find another pony that comes close to her mastery of the art.

However, despite my intentions, I couldn’t help but feel rather jealous when she would perform such feats. It seemed as though her life had been completely focused on magic and her knowledge of its intricacies was enough to put mine to shame ten times over. She had a personal connection to it, a tangible, beautiful relationship with that tantalizing power, and I had my imagination. It was off putting at first, and while I did show my own skill at times during our work in the lab, I always felt a twinge of pain whenever she could simply control something that I was incapable of reaching.

I never brought it up, as I rightly assumed it would bring a rift between the two of us, and that was something I didn’t want to do at all. You see, take away the laboratory and all the niceties of working together, and there was still something inside of me that wanted to impress her. I wanted her to appreciate me, to care that I was doing something that she was doing as well. I’m not sure where this feeling originated from, or where it would take me, but I knew it deep in my heart. There was something about her, about her nature that I wanted to experience for ages.

Despite that desire, I never allowed myself to think such thoughts in the laboratory. We were coworkers, our paths crossing in a happy accident that put us together once more. I enjoyed working with her, and I believe she had a similar notion, but anything beyond that was something that I refused to entertain.

However, as my mind wandered further still, I tempted myself with that notion. The lab was empty, that much was obvious, but I was still there in its confines. Walls had been built up in my mind to keep myself from thinking of such possibilities, but slowly, as the first stars of night began to peek through the violet sky on the horizon, the barriers began to crumble.

My mind drifted to the time when we first met in that classroom where she detailed her magical skill. It impressed me, and I thought, as my mind dwelled on that time, if that was when I felt as though I should impress her. After several minutes of deliberation, I let out a chuckle and shook my head. No, that wasn’t it, there was something else that had happened, something impactful that had ushered in this feeling in my heart. I then thought to the time when I, as a naïve student, followed her into her room to study for an upcoming exam. Our interaction was slight, and I winced as I remembered the dictionary connecting with my skull. The emotional wounds from that time were beginning to mend, and as I replayed that moment in my head, I began to laugh at its audacity.

It was quite the overreaction for a misplaced gaze, but one that would leave a mark on my mind for quite some time. However, as I peered beyond the concussion and into the time following, I noticed something more. The way she apologized, not with words, but with actions. I clung to that idea, and as my mind replayed the smaller details in vibrant color, I realized that was when my attraction began.

The way she looked at me, both there, and only a few days prior in the lab, was one that always put me on edge. It was as though she had a hold over me just through her eyes, but it wasn’t malicious. She didn’t want anything out of me, it was as though I was something she wanted as well.

Then, in a sudden surge of emotion, I realized something that I had been denying ever since we had first met. I was attracted to her.

Immediately I berated myself for such a notion, as I had always berated myself in the past, but it was something that latched onto my mind and refused to dismiss itself despite my best efforts. The more I pushed it away, the more evident it became. With flushed cheeks and the hairs on the back of my neck erect in fright, I did the only thing I could think of to dispel such feelings. I turned to the shelves and withdrew the first book I could understand. It was a discourse on theoretical magic and the dead ends it still faced.

I plunged my mind in the research, seeking out anything that could rid me of the gripping power of this attraction. It worked, to an extent, and as the night darkened further, I flooded my mind with everything I could find. I needed an escape, and the more I tried to run from it, the more I realized its strength. I was caught in a situation that I could no longer control, one where my mind fought against itself for hours. I feared what would become of me, of Amethyst, and of the research that we so desperately wanted to complete.

Then, as my mind recalled every image I had of her in rapid succession, I saw my opportunity. I remembered her as she organized the mail, as she had controlled a situation that would have taken me hours in mere seconds, and I grasped it.

“You’re nothing,” I growled through grated teeth. “She’s not interested in something like you. Now quit this fanciful daydreaming and give it up. There are more important things to do than focus on frivolous desires that will never come to pass. Give up, Starswirl.”

As my personal lecture came to a close, I realized the time. Everything seemed to have happened so quickly, however, as I looked through the massive wall of windows, I saw a few stray bands of light streaming through the dust in the air. It was morning. I was in no state to work, as my mind was completely enraptured in both my attraction and my attempts to destroy it.

However, fate had other plans. Before I had a chance to escape from the laboratory which had become my prison, the single worst thing that could happen suddenly echoed through the room. Every defense mechanism that I had erected in my life began to crumble from one gentle sound. Panic took hold of my body as I rigidly refused to turn toward the door as its hinges groaned.

“Starswirl?” Amethyst asked.
> XLI: Half
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

A chill raced down my spine as warmth flushed into my face.

“Have you been up all night?” Amethyst asked as she stepped toward my rigid stance.

“I… yes,” I choked out against the lump in my throat.

Evenstar spoke. “When we realized you were asleep, we didn’t want to disturb you. Did you have a restful night?”

Anything but. “For the most part, although I’m still pretty tired.”

“All nighters will do that to you,” Amethyst said. “I spent many of them because of your class, Evenstar.”

“Advanced Theoretical Magic isn’t a course for the faint of heart. I specifically designed it to test the work ethic of my students as well as their mental prowess. Either way,” he said as he turned his attention to me. “You seem oddly interested in the chalkboard today. Have any more revelations for us?”

“Not today,” I said with a sigh. “I’m too sleepy for something like that.”

“Ah, well, not to worry!” he started as he trotted to my side. “We’ve got plenty of work to do today. But first, we need to check the mail.”

That’s when I remembered my duty to sort the mail. Over the past few weeks I had neglected it in order to assist in the development of the limit. Now, however, the sloppy pile of mail in the corner was nearly equal to my height. I let out a sigh, I wanted to be a part of their research, but as usual, I was commanded to the menial task of mail sorting.

“I can help you with that,” Amethyst said cheerfully.

“I think I’m capable of sorting the mail. Besides, you have more important things to attend to.” I didn’t intend for my words to form daggers, but they did all the same. The room fell silent as I walked to the pile in the corner, dragging a table along as I passed it. “I should be done by the time the day is out.”

“O- okay…” Amethyst stuttered. I hadn’t once laid eyes on her since she returned, but I knew she was now looking to Evenstar for an explanation.

“I’m sure it’s just a case of the mornings,” Evenstar said with a sigh. “But regardless, let us begin on the analog equations.”

I sat myself next to the table as they continued their work, drew a stack of letters from the pile, and began to sort through them as quickly as I could. A few letters from challenger were expected, and as they came in I placed them in their respective stacks. The rest of the mail, however, was mostly regarded as trash. So, as I tossed letters into the trash with hardly a second glance at their address. However, as time went on, I realized how long the process was taking.

I knew Amethyst would have been done with such a task by now, but I wanted to prove to them that there was something I could do without magic. However, the more I toiled, the more I realized that simply was not the case. She was better than me at even the most menial task, and that made my work just a bit slower than before. I tried to keep myself from comparing the two of us, but inevitably, I fell into that snare once more. Every now and again I would catch myself pausing to watch her and Evenstar work. It irritated me to see her do so much when I could only dream, and whenever I realized I was staring at the two of them, I would force myself to return to my work. I couldn’t bear the thought of them seeing me seething in jealousy as they worked, they didn’t deserve that. No, instead I felt as though I did.

I didn’t want these emotions to plague my mind, and as I worked, I let myself sink deeper still into my own frustration. I’m honestly not sure why I didn’t voice my concerns, as I know they would have been graciously addressed, but my pride had, once again, gotten the better of me. Instead of taking several hours to sort the mail, it took several days. I wanted to complete the task as quickly as I could, but my fervor waned only minutes later. I was trying to drive myself with my own hatred of self, and that is something I have never been able to fully accomplish.

After I had completed about half of the pile several days later, Evenstar and Amethyst drew my attention in a rather peculiar way. Instead of the regular eureka moment, there was a heavy silence that filled the room. The two of them weren’t picking away at the analog equations, instead they were tending to their own interests.

I set the envelope aside and watched the two as they continued about their work. Amethyst was busying herself with the shell that rested atop one of the tables, and Evenstar was sitting perfectly still before a chalkboard.

“Is something wrong?” I asked. My voice made Evenstar stir and caused Amethyst’s spell to flicker.

“Well,” Evenstar started. His voice felt near hopeless, and I could already begin to infer what had happened. “It looks like it’s over.”

“Over?”

“Yes, Starswirl,” Evenstar said. “The analog equations are a pipe dream.”

“What?”

“Amethyst, I can’t handle the explanation right now,” Evenstar muttered. “I need to rest.”

My attention turned to Amethyst as she looked to me. Our eyes met and I felt a slight rush course through my body. “What’s wrong?” I asked, trying my best to mask my attraction.

“Well, Evenstar has come to the conclusion that the Analog equation he has been searching for is really only half of the puzzle.”

“What?”

“You see,” she started as she took a deep breath. “Evenstar started off looking for the analog equations as a system to discover slope. However, after employing your limit system, he discovered something rather disheartening. The Analog equation has nearly been solved, and rather spectacularly at that. However, what remains is going from the given function of slope to the original line. Without that, we can’t do anything.”

“Wait, you mean it’s already been solved!?” I nearly shouted.

Evenstar spoke up before Amethyst could respond. “Only half of it, and that took decades.”

I was speechless, there was so much that I wanted to say, so many things that I wanted to do to celebrate, but neither of them followed in that desire. “So that’s it? We just give up”

“In effect, yes,” Evenstar sighed. “I don’t know if I will live for another year, let alone another ten. My body is failing me, I can feel it giving up, and I will soon be forced to do the same.”

As I focused on Evenstar, I noticed the streams of tears that were trailing down his face. This was everything he had ever wanted and he had come so close, only to see himself fall short of his dream.

“I’ve seen so many things in my life, so many different trials and challenges, and I faced them all head on. I… I never thought my own decay would be my end.”

“Why is he acting like this?”

“I couldn’t tell you,” Amethyst whispered as we watched him in resolute silence. “Ever since he starting thinking about his death I’ve noticed he’s not as passionate about his work.”

“So then what do we do now?”

“Well, we can always go back to the challenger proofs. It might help him. At least, I hope it will.”

“Several hundred came in while we weren’t sorting mail,” I offered. “Maybe we could find one that would encourage him to keep on working.”

“Yeah…” I said as I turned toward the stack of letters. There were hundreds there, but something felt wrong about feeding Evenstar yet another challenge. I wanted to see him pursue his own creation, to let the world marvel at the analog equations and their incredible potential. Then, as I was absent mindedly sifting through the pages I noticed yet another pile of mail that had arrived that day. I figured there might be something in there worth looking for, but at this point, I had no idea what I was looking for. I think it was an act of desperation, just as Evenstar’s use of infinity had been.

That’s when I noticed a rather official letter with an ornate wax seal affixed to its center. “A-Amethyst?” I stuttered as I turned to her. “You may want to see this.”

“Oh?” She asked as she looked to the letter I had removed from the pile. “Wait…”

“What’s wrong?” I quickly asked, fueled by a fascination for its contents and the uneasy feeling of the invasion of personal space. Amethyst, in an attempt to get a better look at the letter, had positioned her shoulder irritatingly close to my muzzle. I was, to say the least, rather flustered.

“It looks like it’s from the Academy!”

“A rejection letter, I presume,” Evenstar asked. “I’ve had to wait for months in the past for acceptance letter from them.”

Amethyst stepped back from her awkward position and sent the letter over to Evenstar. “Well?” she asked. “Are you going to open it?”

“I’ll let you do the honors, Amethyst. I have no interest in hearing what the Academy has to complain about this time.”

“O- okay then,” she muttered as she brought it back before her face and ruptured the seal. She withdrew the page and quickly began scanning the letter. As she read, a smile slowly appeared on her face. “Well, you were right, Evenstar,” she muttered. “They just don’t want to publish it. They’ve requested that you come in for review.”

Evenstar froze. “What?” he whispered.

“The Academy wants you to come in immediately for a lecture. It seems you have made quite the discovery.”

“You can’t be serious. They never return this fast…”

“I assume they never receive, and I quote, ‘a fundamental breakthrough for mathematics as we know it.’” Her confidence was infectious, and Evenstar stood just a bit taller at the mention of the magnitude of the accomplishment.

I tried to keep myself from interrupting, but I couldn’t retain my excitement. “So what did they say?” I asked.

Amethyst cleared her throat. “Evenstar,

“We have read your proof for the limit and have come to the unanimous agreement to publish your findings in our next Journal. It is not a common occurrence for us to receive a fundamental breakthrough for mathematics as we know it. We would also like to extend an invitation to you and your assistant to lecture the board on your findings, how you came to them, and what you intend to do with your research in the coming months. We are prepared to offer you a grant of two million bits for your research to continue indefinitely.

Signed, The Academy”

Amethyst paused as the colossal number hung in the air. This was a dream come true, and I had helped bring it to pass. She brought her attention back to the page and I watched her smile falter. Instead of reading aloud, she opted to whisper the words to herself as a strange expression came over her face. “Uh, Evenstar?”

“Is there a problem?”

“Well… just take a look at the post script.” She sent the page to Evenstar who carefully examined it. Moments later and a frown had spread across his face as well.

“W-what’s wrong?” I asked as I tried to keep calm in the muted atmosphere. “Is there a catch?”

“In some regards, yes,” Evenstar said before cursing beneath his breath. He looked to Amethyst who held the letter and then to me. “The Academy has requested, on grounds of your race, that you do not attend the lecture.”

> XLII: Alone
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I do not have words that can fully describe the pain that I felt upon hearing that news. However, I shall try my best recount what happened following his statement. Evenstar and Amethyst were both extremely apologetic for what had happened and promised me that their actions were for the better. However, by the time they spoke up, I realized that I had already begun a descent into a rather severe depressive state. There was nothing for me say or do that would change the fact that I would be abandoned by the two of them for a week while they paraded my discovery before their peers.

When a researcher receives a request to come before The Academy it is a grave dishonor to deny attendance. That much I understood and supported. However, the brash statement from that group left a mark on me that I would not soon forget. They were, in a sense, forcing me back into that world that I had fought so desperately to escape. Returning to that life of mediocrity was a bitter pill to swallow, but there was nothing I could do aside from accept that reality.

So, I simply nodded in understanding at the blow they had just dealt. I really didn’t feel pain, rather I just felt numb. Despite being the source for the limit’s initial concept, I would not be the one to present it to the world. That reality dug deep into my heart and buried a seed of hatred that I still bear to this day. I wanted to prove to the world that I was competent, that my race didn’t define me, but as I so painfully discovered, the world was not ready for such a statement.

“I’ll see you two in a week,” I said as I drew the final strap on Evenstar’s bag. “Have a… safe trip.” My voice was as melancholy as they were. And our final goodbyes were not said with smiles.

“I’m sorry,” Amethyst started. I could see her trying to meet my gaze, but I was focused on the floor. I couldn’t bear staring into her eyes for a number of reasons, the greatest of which was shame. I felt worthless, as though I was inferior to her in every. I knew it, Evenstar knew it, and worst of all, she knew it. It was an unspoken oppression that my own shame amplified tenfold.

The only thing I could manage was to whimper, “It’s okay,” in return.

A few minutes later, and the laboratory was empty once again. However, instead of wonder and prestige I felt the overbearing sense of being put in my place. While Amethyst and Evenstar had started on a journey of a lifetime, I was left to my own devices in an abandoned laboratory for a week.

So, I did the only think I could think to do: sort the mail. It was a task that I had learned to do rather quickly, and as I busied myself with it, the pain of their absence stung a bit less. With my mind relatively free of distractions my speed increased as I sorted through the envelopes. There were a few more letters from challenger, but aside from that, most of the mail was junk.

As I scanned through the envelopes, I realized I never took much notice of the letters that I discarded. The day wasn’t going to waste itself, so I decided to take a bit of time and crack a few open. What I found surprised me. There were hundreds of letters from ponies that had been passed over because the sheer volume was enough to occupy days of reading time with each delivery. For no reason in particular I opened one from a pony named Lapis.

Mr. Evenstar,

I have found that there are many ways for a pony to use algebra in the use of mathematics, however, it feels like something is missing. I know in class you have talked about several ways of using individual mathematical systems to describe the world, but what if there was a unifying system that could do the same thing?

Signed, Lapis.

I opened another.

Evenstar,

I appreciated your discourse concerning mental dimensions and their use in theoretical magic, but I don’t know where to start building my own mental dimensions beyond the third? It seems as though there is little I can do other than try over and over again and simply fail each time.

Sincerely, Evergreen.

Yet another envelope begged my attention.

Professor Evenstar,

I’ve been studying weather patterns for a while, and while predictions have become rather accurate, I’ve noticed that there’s always a chaotic element to them. I can’t know, despite the most recent advancements in magic, if a storm will happen next week or not. It seems completely random. Is there anything I can use to further my work?

Cloud Chaser.

The more I opened, the more I realized what I had stumbled upon. Thousands of ponies from all around the world were asking for his help with magic. It didn’t come as a surprise to me, nor did I challenge the fact that most of these letters had gone unread, but there was something inside of me that wanted to see those answers for myself. I looked to the room, to the board that held the first half of Evenstar’s unsolvable puzzle.

I rose to my hooves as a sudden realization dawned on me. “You can’t answer these, can you?” My question was one that came so quickly it felt inconsequential, like a passing thought it just appeared. I looked across the board to the equations that littered its surface. For every formula, there was a line crossing it out, another dead end to what could have been a revolution. Dozens upon dozens of these failed attempts littered chalkboards like the bodies in a battle. It was Evenstar versus the world, and he had nothing but his mind to face the onslaught of failure.

“You just have to keep on guessing, coming back to the drawing board for a new perspective…” I let my voice trail off as I sat on the floor and stared at those chalkboards. There was something about them that begged another question

Why can’t you do the same? Something inside of my soul was prodding me to continue with this train of thought, and as I tried to use my insecurities to dispel the notion, it would only cast them aside and repeat itself. Within a few minutes I had grown distraught at my inability to satisfy that question with an answer of impossibility. It refused to let me give up, for me to lose hope in my current circumstance. I don’t know where that feeling came from, but it was one that budded from the hope that drives me to this day. It was the light at the end of the dark tunnel, and it had returned once more.

I rose to my hooves and drew in a deep breath. There was something in the air, something that fueled me to do the unthinkable. I was going to try to crack the case, to solve the mystery of the Analog equations, and I was going to do it in under a week.

I had absolutely no reason to believe that I could pull off such a feat, but there was no reason why I couldn’t either. I retrieved a piece of paper and a pencil and painstakingly jotted down the equation on the board. It wasn’t as neat as Amethyst’s magic drawn lettering, but it was legible and that was all that mattered. The equation was simple enough, and it was one that I had enabled with the discovery of the limit. However, it was half of what we needed. The other half, the way to revert back was what I sought. So, I turned to the board once more for any clues on what I could employ. That’s when I noticed Amethyst’s shell spells that she had been working on when time permitted. They had always fascinated me with how complex they were, but I wanted to go deeper, to understand the fundamentals beneath the complexities.

As I had seen so clearly with the limits, I realized that most everything I had encountered in the magical world was fundamentally rather simple. There was an underlying concept that could be grasped by even the youngest of foals, but was virtually impossible to explain with the systems we had. We tried our best, but in the end, we were nearly as ignorant as the ponies who looked up to us. We were fakes.

Knowledge was only half of the equation, the hardest part about magic was convincing ponies that you could possibly know something so formless. The more I studied it, the more I realized I had no clue what magic truly was. For some reason a certain race had been bestowed with an ability to manipulate things beyond them, and anypony, with a certain level of education, could understand a few of the rules behind it. However, the realities of magic itself, would elude me for decades.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

I spotted Amethyst’s notebook on the table where she studied the shell. In it laid her own musings, and I reasoned that it may help my insane attempt to uncover the secrets of the Analog equations. I grabbed the book and added it to my growing collection for my research. As I scanned through the bookshelves, I grabbed a few more books on latest thoughts in mathematics. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but at this point I didn’t care. There was something inside of me that urged me to continue and I simply could not resist it’s call. I knew where I was headed, I knew what I wanted to do, all that was left was to think.

And there was no better place for that than Evenstar’s office.
> XLIII: Focus
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The groan of the hinges echoed off of the seemingly cavernous walls of Evenstar’s office. The bookshelves that surrounded that lone central chair were packed to their fullest. As I let my eyes adjust to the light, I realized how blindingly muted the room was. Every color seemed a bit faded in the bright white light that shone through glass wall. It was a particularly cloudy day, but I didn’t mind too much.

As I walked to the seat, I realized my hoofsteps were deafening in the silence. I adjusted my steps as to not disturb the peace, and let my research materials come to rest on the floor. Before taking a seat, I stepped to the window. I think I wanted to see if there was anything of substance beyond that pure white light. However, as I searched through the veil, I couldn’t find anything aside from clouds. I turned to the chair and took a seat. It groaned lightly beneath my weight but it held as I rested my back into it.

So there I was, staring at the infinitely white clouds behind those panes of glass, and I had no idea what to do. At first I tried to close my eyes, but the room was so bright that I could see a faint red color that seemed to pulse with any movement I made. That wouldn’t do, as I was quickly distracted by it, so I opened them, only to be forced to squint against the bright light that flooded the room.

I’m trying to develop the next generation of mathematics and I can’t even get comfortable. I was rather frustrated at my inability to concentrate, and that irritation only made it harder to focus on my task. Within only seconds I had filled my mind with compete nonsense regarding my surroundings. What I needed to do was escape my surroundings, to put everything aside and to retreat into my mind. That powerful meditation was something that I would master later in my life, but as this was my first true attempt at such deep thought, I was completely distracted.

I let out a groan that echoed through the room. Try as I might, I could not let my mind remove itself room the world around me. I could see the small golden trim of the books glistening in the light. I could feel the stale air as I moved ever so slightly, creating tiny eddies of wind around my body. I could taste and smell the dust that eternally hung in the air as if suspended by spider webs.

“Come on,” I whispered aloud. “Don’t think about it.” As you have probably experienced, if you ask a pony to refrain from thinking of a specific object, he will suddenly become engrossed in it, unable to remove it from his mind. And thus the feedback loop started. The more distracted I became, the more frustrated I grew. That frustration led me to continue berating myself for being distracted, which distracted me all the more.

By the time I was done running my mind in circles for what felt like hours, I was completely exhausted. However, it wasn’t by my own power that I was able to stop that process. Instead, it was a small tap on the window. At the sudden introduction of something new, every facet of my mind snapped to the source of the sound. It only took a moment before I saw a small droplet intermittently tracing its way down the glass. As it staggered towards the ground far below, another drop adhered to the window. A moment later, and dozens were lightly grazing its surface.

Luckily I didn’t take the time to reflect on what was happening in my mind, for it was something truly astounding. For some reason the rain’s chaotic patter forced me to focus. It took every asset of my mind and sharpened it to the finest point. I was focused, attentive, and most importantly: ready. My mind was set to think, but focusing it would always be a monumental challenge.

Without even considering my actions, my hoof reached down to one of the books beside my chair. I pulled it up to my face and began to take in everything in an almost trancelike state. As the rain pattered away at the window, I realized my mind was slowly filling with the words and phrases I had come so accustomed to in the laboratory. Equations, theories, and proofs rang through my mind as echoes of knowledge in the scattered sound of rain.

It wasn’t until I was forced to strain against the darkness that I realized I had been reading. The sun was setting, and my mind snapped out of its trance. Everything I had just read had simply made sense. I had understood every word, equation, and diagram and there wasn’t a single question in my mind as I closed that book.

So, as I looked to the window once more, I turned to my left where a small lantern sat on the floor. A moment later and it was lit, bathing the room in a relatively harsh yellow glow. The shadows cast by the flame danced and jittered on the wall. The rain soaked window before me glistened with vibrant yellows and oranges that sparkled with each flicker of the flame. If I watched them, I could see their forms trickling down the glass, as though they were stars shifting out of their places in the heavens.

Then, from nowhere, a brilliant white light flooded the room for only a moment. Then, a few seconds later, a low roll of thunder echoed through the sky and rattled the glass before me. The storm had settled slowly, developing out of the rain that had pattered the window all day. However, it felt deceptively sudden to my mind. I had been so enraptured in my reading that I hadn’t paid much attention to the weather outside my room. In fact, I hadn’t paid much attention to anything aside from the small droplets of water and the equations that made up the creation of Amethyst’s shell.

During that tiny period of reflection, I realized what book I had just consumed. It was Amethyst’s journal, the log of detailed notes that she had kept during her rigorous pursuit of her shell spell.

“Why grids though?” I asked as my mind flashed to the dozens of pages that made up each layer of the shell. I pondered it as I watched the shell form in my mind. It grew more robust as the grid’s resolution increased, but there was a point at which it couldn’t go any further. It felt limited.

My mind flashed back to the time when Amethyst had asked me to help her with her spell, the time when Evenstar had bemoaned the criticisms of the MMU. “That’s it,” I whispered as I snapped from my trance. “Oh what was it called?” I muttered as I searched for the title of that book. “The… oh! The fundamental problem with the MMU!” I nearly shouted. That book that I had read so long ago to assist Amethyst in her research, it was a perfect starting place.

However, as I rose from the chair and started toward the door, a new sensation pulled me to a stop. It was a feeling of fear, of doubting my ability, and it came from that same book. I remembered the time when I had stepped into the realm of those unicorn students, when they had berated me to no end. It ate away at me despite how I carried myself, and the closer I drew to that door, the more I realized what I was risking. Not a day before I had been dealt a crushing blow from the ones who called me friend. Now I was stepping out into a library filled with ponies, each as superficial as the next, who had been taught that my kind was not to mingle with their own.

I began to bounce between two images, ones of Amethyst and Evenstar, and ones of the mockers and the Academy. Those close to me told me I could dare to make a difference, and those distant laughed at my attempts. I let my hoof drift from the handle. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the path ahead was one that I was not meant to take. It was fraught with obstacles and barriers that would be virtually insurmountable to a pony like me. I knew nothing of magic, and as I had realized all too suddenly, I was facing the end of the road for my magical studies. The Academy had denied my ability to even watch the discussions about the limit, a system that I had conceptualized.

You’re worthless, Starswirl, that all too familiar voice whispered through my mind. You’ve come to an end, and you’ll never go farther. Give up.

I felt myself trying to step back from the door, to avoid that confrontation that was all but inevitable. However, I also felt an urge to step forward, to test the limits and to push the barriers that could not be moved. I wanted to be the earth pony that rewrote the fundamentals of magic, to create a new system that would change the world yet again.

Then, as I stood struggling against myself, another voice rose in my mind. It’s message was different, but it used those same words. You’re worthless, Starswirl. It almost felt confident, and its strength instilled a power deep within my spirit. You’re nothing, which makes you powerful beyond measure. Fight, and your strength shall carry you.

So, after drawing a deep breath and clearing my mind, I steeled myself, stepped forward and opened the door.
> XLIV: Position
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stepping into that library was something that I was logically prepared for. My emotions, however, were anything but controlled. A wave of fear washed over me as I noticed the unicorn students scatted throughout the room. Some were studying, others were scanning for books, and in a moment, several of them would be turning their attention to the grey earth pony as he removed a few books from the shelves reserved for their horned race alone.

I swallowed the lump in my dry throat, but it did little to quell my uneasy spirit. Despite my trepidation, I drove forward, slowly working up the courage to face them without fear. I’m not sure what I was afraid of, to be honest, I wanted to be able to stand up to their superiority in kind, but deep in my spirit something held me back. Maybe it was the thought that I was truly lesser, or maybe it was the remembrance of the other painful interactions that had long since passed. Whatever the reason it has been too long for me to recount them accurately. The dwelled in a part of my spirit that I have long overlooked, one that I dare not evaluate even to this day, for its truths may destroy the only hope I have left.

Navigating my way to the small shelf was easy in theory, but with each step I took, I grew more anxious for the inevitable encounter. I withdrew the first book, wincing as I felt the eyes of a single unicorn piercing into the back of my head. I paused and turned to look, but to my relief no pony returned my gaze. I quickly went back to the shelf and grabbed another, this time trying to be even more careful than before. Again, no pony paid much attention to me.

Then, as I reached for the third book, a hushed voice called to me from behind.

“Hey you!”

At first I didn’t react to the call, but when it was repeated, I instinctively began to turn toward the source. Before I could face it, however, the voice spoke once more.

“Do you think you could give me a hoof? I’m stuck on a spell an—” He cut his request short as I faced him. His cheeks flushed and he immediately buried his muzzle in his book.

I was rather stunned at the small gesture he had made. The brown unicorn wasn’t familiar to me, but not many were. However, something about his posture told me everything I needed to know. He was lost, stuck on a problem that he couldn’t solve without the guidance of somepony more knowledgeable than himself. I hung on that thought for a moment before decided to respond to his request.

“I can try my best.”

The book in his magical grasp raised ever so slightly. “It’s not like you would know.”

The words, as venomous as they could have been, weren’t spoken with malice. Rather, the pony seemed to be apologizing for his remark. As though he had offended me in some way. Needless to say, I was rather taken aback by this, but I was able to contain myself and respond.

“I might. However, you’d have to ask the question first.”

My calm exterior belied my heartbeat that was increasing by the second and pounding away in my ears. The unicorn froze for a few moments before finally dropping that guard of superiority he had tried to use. The book lowered to the table, but his eyes still didn’t make contact.

“I don’t know how to cast an MMU.” I could taste the shame on his voice. “If you even know what that is.”

It took everything in my power to not smile at such a golden opportunity. The books I carried in tow were all referencing its limitations and properties. If I didn’t have the perfect answer, maybe I could find it as well.

“Never mind,” he started before I could respond “you’ve obviously got other things to do and I’m wasting both of our times by asking you something like this.”

“Actually, I do know a fair amount about the MMU, you’re having trouble casting it?”

“Well, no…” She said as his gazed darted to the corner of the table. “I can cast it just fine, but I can’t change its properties.”

I paused for a moment as I withdrew one of the books from my pile and began to scan through the table of contents. I was looking for an in depth description on the properties of the MMU and how I could best help this unicorn understand them, but as I scanned through the pages, a sinking feeling found its way into my stomach. I hadn’t a clue how to cast any spells at all, why would I suddenly become an expert in them now? The phrases became harder and harder to parse as time went on, forcing that feeling to grow all to strongly in my stomach. Admit you don’t understand it and just walk away.

As I tossed another book on the table, my cheeks began to grow warm. I was in over my head and I was sinking deeper than I realized. The MMU was something that I had always felt like I understood, but putting that understanding in words was lost on me. I had always relied on others for the descriptions of how things work, for I wasn’t able to take that final step of casting.

I was learning magic backwards, and everything that felt concrete to me had been lost on the unicorn before me. Before I could begin describing the intricacies of the MMU to the pony before me, another voice sent a tremor down my spine.

“And just what do you think you’re doing here?” I knew it was directed at me, I didn’t even have to look to know it was another unicorn who had wandered back to this deserted corner of the library. I wasn’t supposed to be here, and, in response to the accusation that lingered in the air, I immediately shut the books before me.

“Oh he was ju-”

I cut into the brown unicorn’s response. “Sorry, I was just asking this unicorn about a spell…” I said as I packed my books and turned toward the hostile pony beside me. I didn’t want the unicorn that had let his guard down to take a verbal beating for his actions, if anything I was used to the abuse, and standing up for him felt right somewhere in my heart.

“Pff, like you would even be able to understand something like that. Why are you even back here?”

I stood wide eyed for a moment as I tried to formulate a half decent excuse. Then, as my mind jumped to Evenstar, I hatched a plan. “I’m keeping after Evenstar’s office while he’s away.”

“So you’re a janitor.”

I nodded.

“Then why are you retrieving books? You shouldn’t need these if he’s away,” the unicorn said as he lifted a few of the books from my stack. “Hmmm, and these are all on MMUs, why on earth would you need these?”

A small flame sparked in my chest. I wanted to fight back, to prove to my oppressor that I could do something more than he assumed, but there was also a sense of position, I wasn’t to talk back to such an authority. So I did as I always did, I simply remained silent.

“Put these back. Some pony might actually need them.”

I nodded and turned to the stack of books on the table. As I leaned in with my mouth to grab the book, the unicorn nearly shouted in disgust.

“Not with your mouth you savage! Just get out of here, I’ll deal with these.”

I nodded once more and quickly retreated to Evenstar’s office. I didn’t get a chance to turn back to the brown unicorn who had treated me with a small hint of respect. However, it was probably for the better as I would have only seen a blur through the tears in my eyes.

I raced into the room, quickly closed the door behind me and let my head come to rest against its wooden form. The room was still as peaceful as it had been, but it was impossible to make out the details through the veil of tears. As I tried to regain my composure, I lost it completely. Tears began to stream down my face as I let that word echo through my mind, that descriptor for what I truly was: a savage. It tore away at my heart, broke down my pride in one crushing blow, and let the flood of self-doubt wash over me like the rain that pounded against the window. I was lost, hopelessly searching for a glimmer of light in the darkness of the world around me. There wasn’t anything that I could do to beat the odds stacked before me.

As I sat in that very room, my mentor and friend were delivering a speech of what I had made to an audience that I couldn’t attend. I was learning so much about magic, but at the same time, there was a wall that I could do nothing to overcome. Every time I pushed it, it pushed back harder, and when I tried to break it, it broke me instead. It was too high to climb, too strong to destroy, and too wide to avoid. I was stuck, and with every step I took, I felt even more trapped.

“It just doesn’t make any sense…” I muttered as I tried in vain to wipe away my tears. “I can’t do it… I’m too insignificant, too worthless.”

My mind flashed to the concept I had chased when I had discovered the limit. I remembered chasing that fleeting hope even when all was lost. With nothing else to consider, I put myself in the place of the limit: a fleeting thing that could revolutionize the world if only somepony could chase after it.

My mind flashed to Evenstar and Amethyst and then to their endeavor to deliver my research to the world. “They’ve left too…” I whispered as the tears came once more. “They stopped the chase.”
> XLV: Velocity
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can’t tell you how long I sat in that room crying over the encounter, but I can tell you it wasn’t until the next morning that I moved from that spot. I must have fallen asleep after I curled up against the door, and for good reason. Emotions always drained me, whether or not that was a direct result of my difficulty coping with them I cannot say. Regardless, I rose from the ground as the birds roused me from my sleep the next morning. My mind was clear of the emotions that had lulled me to sleep the night before, but the dried tears that remained in my fur were painful reminders of what had happened.

I looked around the office. The pallid white light that bathed it muted everything inside, making it feel as solemn as I felt. This was a place of discovery, and I had discovered something very important the night before: my position in life. It wasn’t something I could fully comprehend with the lingering sadness, but it was one that would that I could at least start to understand. There was no reason why anypony should accept me for what I did as long as they knew who I was. My nature was a roadblock to the goals I had in life. The very thing that hindered me from achieving my dreams was the only thing I couldn’t achieve: physical change.

The books that lined the room stood in erratic conditions, ranging from brand new to falling apart. Evenstar had worked here for decades, and it was the place where he had pondered the most perplexing notions of scientific thought. There was, to my wondrous mind, a sense of holiness about the room. It had been the site of such great thought, and yet, as I thought to the thinker who dwelled here, the magic faded. Evenstar wasn’t some deity to me, he was a friend. Despite being in his presence for so long, watching him work night and day, I could not will myself to couple his incredible mind and the pony I called teacher. It wasn’t something I was consciously aware of, more I had a feeling of the rift that I had created, but the more I dwelt on that reality, the more distinct that difference became.

“You’re not that different… are you?” I asked to no pony in particular. My voice was barely a whisper, but the words filled the silent room all the same. The notion that Evenstar was just like me was slowly dawning on me. That chair that stood in the center of the room, it was one that I had sat in myself to ponder things wondrous to me.

This was a world that I was rapidly becoming familiar with, one that beckoned with its magnificent finger to join the few who dared try to understand its majesty. I rose to my hooves, that realization giving me a power that I hadn’t had before. As I stood, my perspective changed, and I rose above the back of the chair. It wasn’t the room that was important, no, it was the pony who occupied it. Evenstar had done what I was doing dozens of times over, but for me, this was the first time I truly understood the proper perspective to take. I wasn’t sitting in Evenstar’s chair to take in his knowledge that I might use, I was using the room as a catalyst to blaze my own trail into the mathematical unknown.

A moment later, and I sat staring out of the massive windows before me, taking in the near blindingly white panels of glass. The morning air was chilly, that much I could tell from the water that collected on the windows’ edges, but as I stared at the world beyond, something began to change. I wasn’t sure if it was my imagination at first, but I saw a gentle hint of blue beyond the white veil before me. I leaned forward, trying to catch a glimpse of that splash of color once more, and a few minutes later, the fleeting cerulean wisp appeared again. The clouds of the storm were breaking.

Over the course of several minutes, white gave way to a vibrant blue sky. Far below stretched an ocean of clouds dotted with islands of mountaintops that reached far into the distance. The transformation was subtle, but it was nonetheless impressive. The early morning sun stretched long shadows across the world, their trailing forms slowly shortening in the young day.

By the time I had taken the view in full, I realized how much more full the room felt. No longer was everything dark and masked, but rather an explosion of color shone from every facet of the world around me. The books shone of reds and blues, their gold print shimmering in the morning light. The rough floor beneath my hooves seemed to glisten with different shades of brown as the sun bathed it in its warm glow. Everything seemed fresh, new, like something had changed before me and I was only able to sit and bask in its glory as it shone before me.

However, as the novelty wore off, I realized where I was. Obviously I was in Evenstar’s office, but for some reason he wasn’t present yet the room felt full. I knew that he and Amethyst were off presenting what I had discovered, and that didn’t sit well with me, but I wasn’t interested in my failures at this moment. I was focused on that feeling of completion as I sat in that chair, the chair that I had been shown by Evenstar. There was something about it, something that just felt right about resting in its support, like it was made for me.

Then, as my mind cleared once more, I let my eyes drift closed. There was this feeling from somewhere inside of me that, to this day, I cannot pinpoint its origin. Hope and fear both drove it, peace and turmoil gave it fuel, and a longing to see what came next made it as real as the expanse before me. As I turned my attention inward, I was greeted with a new sense of confidence. In my mind there were no limits. I was not bound, as I was in reality, to do as they told me to do. Instead, I was the captain of a ship whose crew would fight for whatever I believed in. It was a powerful feeling, one that fed on itself, growing stronger still as I let my perspective sink deeper into myself. It was there, after that meditation, that I was greeted with a familiar sight: a spinning disk of stars.

I had, in a sense, abandoned my mental world. That first step I took into theoretical magic was its development, and I had let it stagnate. It wasn’t what I remembered, it didn’t carry that wondrous feeling of presence as it had so long ago, but it was mostly intact. So, without a second thought as to what I should do, I began reconstructing it. It didn’t take long, in fact it felt more like tidying up an old room rather than redefining the nature of a universe. A few adjustments to the dimensions themselves came first which took a bit more effort than I recalled. It wasn’t an impossible task, but it took quite a while for the world to stop the bias it had toward the central point.

The stars were scattered across the central plane, and a large portion had collected in the center, a form of degradation that I would become all too familiar with later in life. As I redefined the second dimension using the techniques I remembered from that old book, a sense of familiarity washed over me. When I had done this before in my dorm room I was utterly determined to follow that book’s guidance to the letter. Now, however, I found that my pursuit was more fluid. Instead of being directed by a written outline, I was guiding the process.

I naturally commanded the points where they should go and, as I would realize much later, it was easier than before. Something about the work I had been doing seemed to push things where they ought to go. The mathematics which were so strange written out on paper melded with my world that I barely recognized their impact. They described things, like the motions of the stars as they swirled in an endless spiral against the dark void of my mind.

The more I beheld the scene in my mind’s eye, the more I realized the uncanny familiarity that it stirred in me. It looked like the night sky, with all the glistening stars spinning just like they did in the heavens. What confused me was why it was familiar in such a different perspective. I wasn’t looking out to the stars, I was looking down onto them. I could control them to shift the perspective in a way I never could have imagined before. With my mind I spun and danced around that field of stars, looking at its every facet to learn what I could.

That was the first time I can remember ever being truly lost in my own mind. Space and time alike bent and distorted as I experienced that simple swirling set of stars. It was beautiful, that much I knew, but there was a feeling deep within that urged me to look further. Every moment I discovered something or came to a conclusion, a new pathway opened up, inviting me to journey deeper into my own creation.

All good things, however, eventually come to an end. I was abruptly torn from my mental meandering not by my own will, but rather by a sharp noise that rang through the room. Somepony was at the door, knocking for my attention.

What on earth, I thought as I cleared my mind and strode to the door. I stumbled a bit, my body still recovering from the presumable hours I had spent seated in the middle of the room. However, as the mental fog cleared, I placed my hoof on the handle.

“I’m sorry, but Evenstar’s not here,” I said before I could get a glimpse of the pony on the other side.

“I am now.” Before I could react, he started once more. “We need to talk.”
> XLVI: Acceleration
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Starswirl,” Evenstar said as he gently nudged the door shut behind him. “In all of my academic career, I have never seen the Academy unanimously sit awestruck as I gave a lecture.” His gaze fixed on my own, and I realized that what he wanted to say couldn’t properly be said at all. I was still dumbfounded at the fact that I had made something so incredible. I just did what came to mind I hadn’t really expected it to become the next great discovery in mathematics.

“But why?” I asked, trying to grasp the rapidly growing elation in my heart.

“Because your insight has opened the door to a frightening new world.” Evenstar’s voice was wondrously grave. He spoke as though he had witnessed a deity and lived to tell the tale. He chuckled to himself. “Maybe I should tell you exactly what happened. From there you can draw your own conclusions.

“As Amethyst and I left the library, we were both upset. I can assure you neither of us wanted to talk about what had happened with your… well… your lack of attendance. However, as we arrived at the Academy, we were greeted by some of the most powerful magicians of our time. They had come from all across the land in order to hear of the theory, and when I took to the stage, they were all equally amazed at the beauty of your solution. This is something some had been working on for years, but never could truly grasp using conventional knowledge.”

“After that, Polaris, the president of the Academy, presented an award to Amethyst and me for our discovery.” Evenstar paused for a moment as his gaze drifted to the floor.

“However,” he said in a much lower tone, “I do have an apology to offer. I was tempted during my journey to tell the Academy that an earth pony had formulated the spell, but I could not bear to see something so magnificent be thrown out due to some social superiority complex. Instead… I simply took the award and left. We had plans to stay for several more days, but I couldn’t bear to face them again.”

Obviously that did not sit well with me, but I assumed it was the proper thing to do given the circumstances. If the limit was as important as Evenstar claimed, I wanted to be willing to sacrifice my help in constructing it. “I really don’t see how that’s an issue,” I said as my head cocked sideways. “They wouldn’t even let me in, why would they…” I caught myself as I began to reflect on my own statement. Something was beginning to irritate me about what I had just said.

“Again, Starswirl, I’m so terribly sorry.” At this point, Evenstar looked more distraught than I had ever seen him before. Small trails of tears began to drift down his cheeks as his gaze continued to bore through the floor. “I wanted to… I really did.”

“Wait,” I started, trying to console my mentor, but I couldn’t find anything to say. So I simply sat there as he silently wept. The only thing that I truly felt at that time was astonishment at Evenstar’s conviction. In the grand scheme of things, an award didn’t seem that important.

“I… I don’t understand. What’s wrong?”

Evenstar looked to me with the pain of a lifetime in his eyes. “I don’t know how to tell you this, but I may have taken your only chance…”

“My only chance?”

Evenstar squeezed his eyes closed and drew in a staggering breath. “Amethyst can explain better than I. I’m so sorry…” He didn’t look to me as he stepped out of the room, and as the door latched a chill raced down my spine.

“What was that all about?” I muttered as I turned my attention to the small puddle of tears on the floor. “What happened…” As silence filled the room once more, a darkness grew as well. Rain had been approaching, and as I turned my attention to the window, I could see the first drops of rain tapping against the glass. As it grew, a feeling of loss grew in my heart. 

A gentle knock on the door heralded Amethyst’s arrival. A moment later, and her purple coat seemed overwhelming in the otherwise drab room. She nervously bit her lip as she followed my gaze to the floor. “I’m sure… he’ll be fine,” she said with an unconvincing pause. “Regardless, I need to tell you something.”

As you can imagine I was rather confused at what had just happened, so I sat, wide eyed, waiting for Amethyst to continue.

“Well… I’m not sure what he said to you, but as you can imagine… I don’t come bearing good news. You see, the Academy works in a rather strange way. Policy dictates that a pony present must take an award, so he was forced to accept yours. We had planned to attribute it to the work of the three of us, but… we couldn’t say that we were…” her mouth squashed into a frown. “Well…”

“That you couldn’t be working with an Earth Pony?” I asked, trying to help her say what I had expected for days now. “I thought we’d been over this.”

“Well… We were forced, in a way, to take it between the two of us. And since it was such a revolutionary discovery… we kinda… got seats in the Academy.”

“What?”

“Evenstar was given the designation of Mage, the highest honor in the Academy. They’ve asked him to personally attend the chamber gatherings.”

“And that’s… bad?”

“Well, Starswirl, Evenstar was really focused on how this affected you during the entire trip. I think he got it in his head that you would still be upset about it, but I see you’ve come to terms with it, at least, that what it seems.”

“So… why is this such a big deal?”

“Because that could have been you.”

I was about to dismiss the gravity of her statement with another flippant question, but a small voice told me to think first. That would have fixed everything. You could have been given that title. I tried to shake the thought from my mind, but it had taken hold. I had no reason to believe that they would have accepted an earth pony into their ranks, but Amethyst and Evenstar both seemed so regretful that the possibility was all but guaranteed. I didn’t have a chance to ask Amethyst to clarify, instead she simply turned and walked out of the room. Again I was met with silence, and the voice in the void of my mind spoke once more.

It was right there, it whispered. I wanted to ignore it, but the more I tried, the louder it grew. I had that chance, that opportunity to break free of the world that I had been struggling against for so long, and yet I had missed the one opportunity to make that change. The two of them, they acted as though taking the accolades themselves was a sin, and the more I pondered it the more I realized it was. I had been wronged, the one chance for my dream to come true had been, once again, destroyed.

This is all you are, Starswirl. An assistant. It’s all you’re ever going to amount to. By now the voice felt as though it was coming from somewhere in the room. I wanted to rebuke it, to refuse it’s brash assumptions, but I was realizing that those assumptions were more plausible with every passing second. The breathing grew deeper as I tried to refuse this notion that I had been wronged by my friends. They were sorry, they didn’t mean to take it for themselves, but that wasn’t going to change the fact that they had taken something from me, something that I had been working towards for months. I wanted to make a difference, I wanted to be somepony important, but I was realizing I was becoming second rate.

Tears came once more as I struggled against myself. I wanted to believe that something positive would come from this mess, but the more I extrapolated and the more I thought, the more clouded my future became. Those dreams of success and glory, they had hinged on me making a stance against the academy. This was, for all I knew, the one chance I had been given to make such an appearance. The one thing that I had accomplished had been stolen from my grasp like candy from a filly.

The desperation that filled my heart slowly gave way to anger. I was too tired to fight against its growing power, so I began to feed off of it. For months I had fought against those constraining societal rules and yet they always found a way to assault me. There was nothing I could do against them. Every minor victory was followed by a major defeat.

I rose from the chair, a new power filling my heart. I wasn’t going to allow any pony to force me into second place. I had earned that title, it was rightfully mine, and I refused to let any pony tell me otherwise. I opened the door and started toward the staircase to the laboratory beneath my hooves. I took the steps as quickly as my hooves would allow on their narrow size. As I reached the door, I didn’t take a moment to reflect, I only acted.

The two of them visibly seized as the door swung open and crashed against the wall. Evenstar was sitting before the board as Amethyst wrote an equation over the crack in the slate.

“Why,” was all I could force out between my clenched teeth.

“Is something wrong?” Amethyst asked.

“Why do you think I’m here?” My voice was more breath than noise, but it rang clear as day through the chamber.

Amethyst started after swallowing a lump in her throat. “Evenstar invited you to help us develop-“

“Help? just to help!” Tears were streaming down my face as I shouted in a whisper across the room.

“I didn’t mean it like that… I… We…” I know now what she was trying to say, but my rage was unfettered.

“I can’t take this anymore! I’m so tired of constantly being pushed aside and detested for who I am.” At this point I couldn’t tell you what or how I felt, all I knew was that hatred fueled me. Hatred for what, I am not sure. “I just want a chance… I just want to be something more than just some filthy mud pony that helps a Mage…”

Evenstar’s body heaved once. That’s when I realized he was crying as well. “I didn’t want it to happen this way… I wanted to help you.”

“Then why didn’t you?” I shouted as I shook the tears from my eyes.

“It was too important! The limit had to be shared… I couldn’t let the world suffer so I chose to let you suffer instead. I never wanted to do this to you. I’ve never…”

Silence descended on the room as I let his statement linger in the air. It was what I had feared for so long. Evenstar wasn’t interested in me or my development, he was interested in the development of magic. I had deceived myself into thinking he was my greatest ally when, in fact, he was only using me for the benefit of his work. I choked back my tears once more. “Then if that’s what’s important, I can’t do this anymore.”

Without another word I grabbed the cloak on the wall and flung it over my head. I didn’t want to think anymore, and I definitely didn’t want to stay in the laboratory.

So I ran.
> XLVII: Answer
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’m not sure whether it was the rain or my tears that blurred my vision as I cantered out of the university’s gates, but I didn’t care either way. The familiar world around me was clouded in the haze of rain and my own confusion. The clouds that tumbled ever lower in the sky were as chaotic as the questions that lurked in my mind.

“Why this?” Was the only thing I could whisper between each breath I drew. My mind was so fixated on what happened, yet I couldn’t make heads or tails of the event. I was still fighting myself and now I was fighting against the stallion who had mentored me.

“Why this?” I whispered as I broke into a gallop. Each step my hooves took against the cobblestone sent a twinge of pain through my body. I wasn’t used to exercise like this, as you can probably imagine, so the unfamiliar sensation gave me another reason to continue. It felt numb, as though the pain of exercise was washing away the pain in my mind.

“Why this?” The rain tore at my face as I ran ever faster through the streets. No pony was out, and maybe that was for the better. I could barely see, and stumbling into somepony else outside could have been a devastating event. Most importantly, however, was that I just wanted to be alone. The implications of what had just happened had changed so much of what I had once believed to be fact.

Does he even care about me at all? I thought as I blinked away my tears. My heavy breathing forbade me from speaking once more, but the thoughts continued all the same. I was struggling to collect the pieces of my life that had suddenly been scattered like chaff. I needed something to hold on to, something to bring my mind to rest, but nothing came to my aid. Everything I had that thought was wrong.

I only liken that mental tumbling to the sensation of falling. Pieces of what I had once called solid ground floated around me, and every time I tried to grab hold I realized that it was falling as well. No matter how hard I tried to reason my way around what had just happened, I could do nothing to stop my own demise. My gallop slowed to a trot as questions became more distinct. Arguments sparked in my mind, a war between my intuition and my emotion raged beyond my control. I felt helpless at the conflict, but I was the one who took the casualties. My confidence, my security, and my hope all came under fire as those two forces clashed. On one side, I would blame myself for daring to hope in such wondrous dreams that I had once seen as guaranteed. On the other, I tried to justify Evenstar’s action against me. I mean, I wanted to be able to sacrifice myself for the world, but being sacrificed isn’t an enjoyable experience.

I think it was the stumble that brought me back to reality. The rain had only grown thicker, and as such the stones beneath my hooves had become rather slick. I must have sidestepped one of them, but luckily I was able to catch myself before toppling to the ground. As I collected myself a notion arose from the battlefield of my mind. I was lost.

Not only were my thoughts chasing themselves in circles, but the unsettling feeling of unfamiliarity crept through the rain. It was in the awnings that I didn’t quite recognize and the road that seemed just a bit narrower that what I was used to. I tried to discern anything above the roofs of the towering tenements beside me, but the rain masked anything I could use to get my bearings.

That’s when I realized how cold I was. My powerful gait had plashed water onto my stomach, and the cloak I wore on my back had grown heavy with rain in the deluge. I pulled it closer, knowing full well that it would do little to keep me warm, but the protection it offered was vaguely comforting. There was something about the rain cloaked world around me that had sparked a sensation of imminent dread in my heart. To be honest, I was rather thankful for it as my mind was no longer fixated on warring with itself. However, fear is not a healthy state of mind when you’re trapped in the rain in an unfamiliar section of town. Even if you yourself are in no real danger, your mind can conjure up fears you never knew you had.

That’s when I started looking for things I had only seen in my imagination. As I scooted beneath one of the nearby awnings and gave myself a good shake, I started to perceive things in rain. For a moment, as a sheet would dash across the road, I could see a figure standing in the distance, just outside of my reliable vision. A moment later, and it had disappeared like a ghost. I shook my head, trying to rid my mind of these apparitions of fear, but they refused to leave. Looking away made it grow far worse, for I could not watch where it might appear next.

A loud crash tore through the rain. I jumped, probably higher than I ever had before, at the sound. It felt like I had been assaulted in a way, but as the noise subsided, I began to reflect inward once more. Something about the haunting street reminded me of myself. Fleeting images of thing I couldn’t discern floated by in the rain. I wanted a chance to make things whole again, to stop myself from falling in this endless cycle of confusion, but nothing was assured.

“So that’s it,” I said to no pony in particular. “This is what I’m going to be.” I was speaking from the heart, trying to talk myself through the nonsense that had just happened. “You aren’t part of their world, and you never really will be. You’re different, so what? Difference doesn’t mean you’re better or worse, all it means in this world is that you aren’t allowed in. No earth pony has ever done what you’re doing, not because they couldn’t do it, but because the world wouldn’t let them. It’s not fair…” Tears began to stream from my eyes as I started to let go of the hope that I had fought so hard to hold onto.

“So why even bother? Why go to such lengths to only find yourself crushed again?” I paused to look through the rain once more. “Why don’t you just do what you’re told?” My vision blurred once more as the tears returned. It was such a unique pain that ran through my body, one of true loss. I suppose the old adage rang true. Ignorance is bliss. At least I thought I was worthwhile as I toiled away in the lab. Now the curtain had been drawn back, and behind it was revealed the awful truth. “You’re nothing to them.”

I think the words shocked the tears away. It felt like a burden had been lifted off my back, like I had finally revealed everything that I had once feared about my life and it wasn’t something to be afraid of at all. The hopelessness was still there, but something made it seem less repulsive than before. An overwhelming sense of apathy washed over me, and as the rain poured around me, I began to focus.

My shaking slowed, my heart calmed, and my mind began to clear itself of its chaos. As everything came clearer, I found myself fixated into the grey void along the street. Initially I couldn’t make out anything distinct, but as the rain folded and whipped across the road, I noticed something in the center. Rather, I felt like I noticed it. I would catch its form every now and again in a window of rain. A drop of rain tapped my nose and pulled me free of my trance. I had started to lean precariously close to the edge of the awning’s protection. I carefully backpedaled toward the center of the road and shook the water from my face once more.

“I guess I’ll wait then,” I mumbled as I glared at the sheets of rain. I started to follow them as they coursed through the road. It was the only thing I could do to pass the time, but as one disappeared into the haze, I saw the figure again. This time it was much more distinct, much larger. A few seconds of intent staring later, and I could make out its form. It was about the height of a pony, and as I watched it grow evermore distinct in the rain, a small streak of color peeked through the veil.

“Amethyst?”

I wasn’t sure what to do, so, like the idiot I was, I remained beneath the awning as the pony lumbered toward me. They took a few steps forward, paused, and looked to either side of themselves. I wasn’t sure what they were doing, but as they repeated the process, I could hear the faint sound of a familiar voice. It was Amethyst and as she started toward me once more, I realized she was looking for something, or rather, someone.

“Starswirl!” Her voice called again. That’s when I finally snapped to my senses. I stumbled out into the rain and raced toward my friend.

“I’m right here!” I called out as I came into earshot.

“There you are!” She shouted through the deluge. “We were both worried sick!” She drew me into a deep embrace before I had a chance to react.

And then, for several seconds, we stood there. I, for one, was rather confused at her reaction and immediately tried to pull away, but she pulled me tighter still. “Umm, Amethyst? There’s a… an awning over there.”

“Ah,” she playfully growled, “A little rain never hurt anypony. I’m just happy you’re safe.”

I wasn’t so easily swayed by her quip, and began slowly walking backwards toward the protection of the awning. When she finally did release me, she followed suit until we were clear of the torrent. She shook herself off and finally asked the question I had been dreading. “Why did you run off like that?”

Immediately all of the concern and anguish that I had felt only moments ago flooded back into my mind. I wiped away a tear as I started to speak. “Do you know what it feels like to be used? To be told by the only pony that believed in you that you’re not worth it at all?” I drew in a staggering breath as I scrambled to pull myself together. “Do you know what it’s like to live in a world that, no matter how hard you try you can’t break free of the one thing that’s holding you back? I don’t think you would. You’re one of them, one of the unicorns, one of the ponies that will always start where my future ends. I shouldn’t be doing this, it’s all wrong! I’m living a lie, one that I’ve told myself to make me feel the odds are in my favor, but they’re not! I can’t do magic, I can’t even imagine what you and Evenstar can conjure up. I’m nothing, you’ve got everything, you’ve had it since birth! How do you think that makes me feel!?”

By now tears were streaming down my cheeks and I was choking on my words. I tried to catch my breath, to reel myself in and continue my rant, but all I could do was let the emotion flow. I turned away. Amethyst was the last pony that I wanted to admit this to. She had always been kind, aside from the instance with the flying dictionary, and all I was doing now was shouting at her for being different.

“I’m sorry.” I muttered. “You have everything you need to do whatever you want, I just… I don’t think I can keep doing this.”

I turned to her once more, wiping the tears away as I tried to calm myself. That’s when I noticed her eyes. They weren’t angry, upset, or patronizing. Instead they were sorrowful. “Starswirl,” she started, “We don’t have everything.” She took a deep breath and blinked away tears of her own. “And I know exactly how you feel.”

“How?” I whispered “How could you possibly know what it’s like to have everything you’ve ever wanted just out of your reach?”

She looked to the ground and shook her head, much in the same way I had been doing throughout the past hour. Then, a moment later, she steeled herself and returned my gaze and paused.

Just say it, I thought as I tried to search her stare for the answer. Tell me I’m right! Tell me that you’re sorry that I can’t be like you. I know it’s coming just get it over with!

She drew her breath once more, leaned forward, and pressed her lips against my own.

My eyes shot open as I felt her unbridled passion answer the question I had always wanted to know. My heart raced as a surge of pent up desire coursed through my body. I tried to speak, but only a hum vibrated through our lips.

As she pulled away, I drew in a breath. “I…” I stammered, trying to cope with the swirling emotions that had captured my mind.

She spoke once more as grateful tears filled the corners of her eyes. “But sometimes, we just have to try… No matter what anypony else says.”
> XLVIII: Warmth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

We didn’t say much as the deluge continued, but I don’t think there was much we could say at all. Amethyst had completely stunned me, however now I’m not sure how I didn’t see it coming. I suppose hindsight is always twenty-twenty. Regardless, as the rain continued on, I noticed I wasn’t as cold anymore. Obviously this wasn’t the only thing that had come about by Amethyst’s actions, but it was the only thing that confused me.

Naturally I was going to have feelings of elation, my adrenaline was coming off of its incredible high, but the warmth… I couldn’t explain it. It was as though my body was hopeful for my future as much as my mind was. She had, in one simple action, said everything I had needed to hear. I was so close to giving up, to letting my life sink away to mediocrity, and she just stopped it in that brief intimate moment. To this day, I look back on that kiss with that same sense of wondrous confusion, as though everything that happened was a dream too wild for my mind to conjure up.

A few hours later, and the rain finally began to wane. By the time we could venture out of the protection of the awning, the day had grown late and we were both rather miserable. The warmth I felt was nice, but it did little to keep the soaked cloak off of my back. Amethyst’s was equally drenched, but it didn’t seem to bother her as much as mine did me. For some reason, she seemed almost disappointed as the last few drops fell from the sky.

“We should probably get back,” I said as I strode out into the road.

“What’s the rush?” Amethyst asked as she slowly stepped from the awning’s shade. “The rain’s gone, let’s just… you know… walk for a bit?”

I was about to retort with a list of reasons why I wanted to be back indoors, but her plea made each one feel like a cheap excuse.There’s no rush… Just walk. “Alright,” I said a moment later with a shrug. “I guess it will take a while to get back to the university anyway.”

Amethyst nodded eagerly as we started down the street. It was funny how I felt as we walked back. I could, for some unexplainable reason, feel her standing by my side. My mind was almost completely focused on her presence, and stranger still, I liked it. I liked the sense that there was somepony beside me in the mess around us.

Every step splashed as we walked the puddles that littered the cobblestone path. The buildings around us seemed almost as if they were crying as the last of the rain trickled down their sloping roofs. It wasn’t as cold as it was before, but the air was still crisp and filled with strong smell of the rain. My cloak was still dripping, and I found myself struggling to keep Amethyst’s slower pace as we meandered back through the city.

“Is something wrong?” Amethyst asked as I shivered slightly.

“I’m just cold, that’s all.”

“Well… I… I mean if you want to go back…”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.” I didn’t want to make her feel like she was the source of my problems, even though she was in a roundabout way.

She was silent for a moment as we trotted down the road. Initially I thought I had upset her, and regret took center stage in my mind, but it was soon dispelled when she spoke once more.

“I love the rain.” She said almost wondrously as we rounded a corner.

“Really?” I asked as I glanced toward the sky. “It’s dreary, cold, and uncomfortable.”

“Well, yeah… but it’s nice in a way. It makes everything feel clean… like everything’s new again. And I love the sound of it. I don’t know why, but it always makes me feel… calm.”

As we strode back through the city, I began to realize what she meant. No pony was out of their homes, and I’m sure the ones inside were cozily sipping on their tea. The clouds that hung just above the roofs were dark, but they still lit the world in a soft shade of white. Everything was pale and muted along the road, but as I watched the world wait out the storm, I noticed a glimmer in the corner of my eye. The sun had finally peeked through the clouds just on the horizon and casted a fleeting ray of orange through the road.

Amethyst and I walked a bit further, the two of us beginning to relax as we meandered back to the library. I remember feeling at peace as we strode together, just like I had felt the day when Amethyst and I had simply enjoyed our solitary company together in the lab. It felt nice, like every hint of pain and anguish had been muted by a warmth that came from her presence. I couldn't, to this day, describe that feeling without grossly underrepresenting its subtle power, but it made everything fall into a new perspective, one where the world around me seemed a bit less hateful and a bit more kind.

A few minutes later and the sun breached the clouds once more. This time instead of lighting only a small sliver of the street, the entire road seemed to catch fire in its warmth. I felt the rays land on my back, gently caressing my skin with the heat that it had craved. A chill ran down my back, welcoming the relief of the sun.

“It feels nice, doesn't it?” Amethyst said quietly.

I could only hum in agreement as I tried to shift my surprisingly chilly cloak off.

“Oh, here…” Amethyst said as she lifted it from my back.

I felt a twinge in my heart as she removed and folded it with ease in the air. Her magic, it had always been one of my stumbling blocks, but she never seemed to realize the impact it had on me. I suppose I had hidden it well enough. I figured that hiding my feelings of isolation and despair would only make things worse for our relationship, one that may, one day, grow into something much more profound. However, in spite of that thought, I felt like she needed to know. It was something that had a profound hold on my mind and I wanted nothing more than to let her know the truth.

“A-Amethyst?” I asked, trying as best I could to deceive myself as I began to open such a personal subject.

“Mhm?”

“I… uhhh…” Well, saying I don’t like your magic is insulting. How on earth are you going to phrase this?

She stopped and looked at me with a cocked eyebrow. “Are you alright?”

“I… well…” I took a deep breath and composed myself. “I want to say something, but I really don’t know how to say it without…” Just shut up, you’re not doing yourself any favors.

“Without what?”

“Without insulting you.”

“I’m not easily insulted,” she said with a smile.

“Well… I uhh… alright, before I ask the question, I’ve got to ask another one first. Why did you kiss me?”

Immediately her cheeks grew bright red. “I-It was a spur of the moment thing. I… well…”

Now you’ve really done it. See, you should have just kept your mouth closed. Now you’ve upset her.

“I just really can’t explain why I did it then, but I know why I wanted to.” She looked to the brightening sky for a moment, as though the parting clouds could give her the words to say. “It’s something I’ve always wanted to do. You’re not like the other stallions, at least, not the other unicorn stallions. I never would have thought I would have been attracted to an earth pony…”

To be completely honest, her implication hurt a lot. I froze, and I think the shock on my face prompted her apology.

“N-No… I didn’t mean it like that. I just… well… you see…” As she stumbled over herself, grasping to undo the pain that she had inflicted on me, I realized something about her. She was caught in it too, that strange realization that a horn on one’s head shouldn’t define who they were. She had been raised on the other side of the wall, where luxury, wealth, and magic were the distinguishing factor between their race and the earth ponies who served them. It was disgusting on multiple accounts, but that was the way the world worked. However, she and I, and maybe more, were beginning to realize that we weren’t all that different, that the two could work together to achieve greatness.

I remember the rest of that interaction as an awkward walk back to the library, but that implication has stayed with me to this day. I wasn’t alone, Amethyst had shown that, despite our differences, we could continue through this world together. And, looking back on everything I had accomplished until then, that’s all I was ever searching for.
> XLIX: System
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“We’re back!” Amethyst shouted as the door to the laboratory swung open. I peeked around her to see Evenstar furiously hammering away at one of the equations on the board. He didn’t seem to acknowledge our presence until Amethyst called out once more.

“Welcome back,” he deadpanned as he snapped his view over to one of the documents spread out on the table next to him.

“You seem awfully busy,” I said as I cantered to the table.

He looked to me and paused for a brief moment. In his eyes, if only for a second, I saw a twinkle of hope. “The Analog Equations are real, Starswirl. However, they’re much more grand than we thought they could be.”

“What?”

Evenstar took a step back and assumed a triumphant stance against the board. “What do you see?” He asked as he gestured toward the equations.

“Years of hard work and dedication?”

“No no no… Look, look harder. Do you see it?”

I took a moment to focus on the board. I wanted to understand what he was so excited about, but for some reason I couldn’t quite understand what he was getting at. The graphs and numbers all made sense in a way, but I couldn’t quite understand why they were significant.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t…”

“Excellent. Neither do I,” Evenstar said with that wry smile of his. “You see, this makes no sense whatsoever to me, yet it makes sense to the Analog Equations.”

“What?”

Evenstar shook his head and looked to the board once more. “I’m able to find the Analog of a line with the equation of X, but I’m able to find the same solution to the equation X plus 5.” He frowned at the board, as if his consternation would reap an answer to his question. “It’s right, but there’s a fundamental problem that comes with this revelation: The Analog Equations destroy information.”

“What does that change?”

“It means that they’re not equations at all, Starswirl. We’re building something much more grand than just an equation, we’re describing a new way to look at equations… A new system of mathematics.”

I realize now how important those words were, but I was still reeling from my own emotional conflict to let such a profound system sink into my mind. I was excited, no doubt about it, but if, in my current state, I was shown such a discovery, I would probably gallop around the room. “So…” I asked as I tried to comprehend Evenstar’s growing excitement. “What does that mean?”

Evenstar let out a huff. “You’re hard to impress, aren’t you? It means that the Analogy System is going to change everything when we get it right.”

“But I thought it was a dead end?”

“It is dead, the equations are, but now we need to look at this in a different light…” He stepped up to the board and squinted at the chalk scribbled on its surface. “But the Analog System is very much alive.”

“So what do we do now?”

“Well…” Evenstar started as he let out a deep breath. “I think we’re going to have to start looking at application. I don’t know. I- I wish I had a quick answer, but I don’t…”

“I’m sure we can find something,” I offered as I watched his head droop.

Amethyst stepped to my side. “So we’re looking for a problem that we can solve with the Analog System?”

“At this point that’s all we can do. The problem is, we don’t even know what the solution is… we’re stuck.” Evenstar said as he turned to the board once more. “Every time I make a discovery it just puts me back where I start.”

“Wait, but you just figured out that everything you’ve done so far is wrong…” I cut myself off as I realized what I had said. “That came out wrong. What I mean to say is you’ve figured out that the hurdle you just saw was a dead end so you changed course. It’ll be fine though; we’ll break through this one too.”

“You’ve got a point, Starswirl…” He turned to Amethyst. “I guess we get to do your favorite pastime.”

She cocked an eyebrow. “What?”

“Reading. If we’re discovering a new system of mathematics, we’re probably stumbling across something that others have tried to do before us. Maybe the dots are there and we just have to connect them.”

Amethyst’s face lit up. “That’s a great idea!” Before either of us could respond she had already started cantering toward the door. “Should we go from ancient times to now? Or should we work our way backwards through history?”

“Just grab all the books you can carry,” Evenstar shouted after her. “Focus on the modern stuff first!”

“Got it!” And with that, the door slammed shut and bathed the room in silence.

My mind jumped at the opportunity to dwell on itself. I hadn’t had a chance to think about what had happened since Amethyst had found me in the street. However, I let my mind drift to what I said to Evenstar before I bolted from the room. I didn’t ever stop to think that my actions would have an effect on him, but my assumption was clearly wrong. He was typically a friendly stallion, one who would listen to my complaints but now he seemed almost cold in the way he stood. I felt disconnected, removed from his focus.

I’m not sure how much of that assumption was from my own projections, but it was enough to make me notice his detachment. He wouldn’t return my gaze, he wouldn’t start a conversation, in fact the only thing he would do was remain at his work as steadfast as ever. I didn’t want to interrupt him, for I felt that would be even more of an insult to his work, but I also felt driven to say something. I’m not sure what I wanted to say or how I wanted to say it, but I knew there was a feeling in my heart that needed to be spoken.

“Umm… Evenstar?” I asked as I stepped to his table.

“Hmm?”

“I uhh… I wanted to apologize…”

“Starswirl,” he started with a heavy sigh. “You are not the one that should be apologizing. In fact, I probably shouldn’t be apologizing either.”

“W-what?”

Evenstar tapped his forehead with his hoof. He looked almost disturbed with his response, but I couldn’t read his distressed face. Despite being one of the closest ponies to me, he was a stranger. “I’m caught, Starswirl, in a fight against myself, and I’m losing. I… I should not be telling you this, for it will only bring harm to you but I… I can’t let you live your life the way…” He winced as he cut himself off.

“Evenstar?” I asked. I started toward him, but he held his hoof to stop my approach. Something was wrong. I wanted to help, but he was refusing my attempts. Was it something I said?

“No… Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I just… I lack the words to tell you what I mean to tell you.” He looked to me with tear filled eyes. “You’ll get your chance, Starswirl. It’ll come, I know it will, but for now you’re going to have suffer though… well… no…” By now his motions had become rather pronounced, and he had taken to pacing back and forth as he weighed immeasurably heavy options through his mind.

“Is everything alright?”

He paused for a moment, his worry disappearing behind his typical façade of confidence. “Yes in the wrong kind of way.”

“What.” By now I was growing rather tired of his antics. I wanted a solid answer to his ramblings, but I was concerned more than anything. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’ll be fine, but enough about me. We should get back to the research,” he said deliberately as he turned back to the board.

And, just like a switch had been thrown, his strange episode was over. At the time I had no idea what had happened, and I passed it off as just Evenstar being well… Evenstar. He plodded along, carefully scanning through the books splayed out on the table between us. I, with little else to do, watched him as he worked as the memory of his unusual behavior began to fade. I didn’t think to bring it up again, I simply looked forward as I always had.

To this day, I wonder what would be different if he had continued his apology.

> L: Search
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I’ve got more books than you could hope to read!” Amethyst shouted as the door to the lab swung open.

“Excellent work, Amethyst,” Evenstar said as he carelessly shoved the contents of the nearest table to the floor.

“You’ve got to be more careful, Evenstar,” Amethyst muttered as she caught the items in her aura.

“No time. What did you find?”

I stepped to other side and watched as she splayed the wealth of information before us.

“Alright, since you wanted to start from the beginning, I looked for the oldest texts I could find. Our library dates back nearly a millennium with some reproduced works. That should be a good starting place.”

“Alright,” Evenstar muttered as he started poking through the books. “I see, lots of ancient history regarding the monolithic structures in the southern deserts… Makes sense I suppose, but why did you grab ancient star charts as well?”

“Uhh… Well… I think I just got a little carried away,” Amethyst said quietly. “I figure there must be some benefit in looking to the stars for answers as well. After all, that’s what our ancestors did.”

Evenstar slowly nodded. “Yes… good idea.” Then, without warning, he turned to me. “What do you think, Starswirl? Where should we begin?”

“What? Oh, I don’t know, you two are th-” I caught myself before I could downplay my role any more. There was something about his question that felt as though he was genuinely interested in my response. “I…” My voice trailed on as I started looking at the titles before me. All of them seemed mildly fascinating topics, something that I wouldn’t find any interest in reading. I was about to admit this fact when my eyes drifted to a small book on the corner of the table. It bore no title but rather, in its cover, a lone circle was engraved. “What’s that one?” I asked as I pointed to the mysterious book.

“I’m not sure, to be honest,” Amethyst said as she scratched the back of her head and lifted it from the table. “I grabbed it because it was in between two other books. It’s probably not relevant, but we can give it a chance I guess…”

“Alright,” Evenstar started as he looked across the table. “Starswirl, I’m going to have you start out with that strange circle book. See if you can make any sense of it. Amethyst,” he said as his gaze drifted to the small pile of books in the center of the table, “Start with the monoliths and see if you can figure out what the ancients did to construct them.”

“And what about you?” I asked.

“Hmm… I think I’ll wait and see if either of you find anything. I’ll be working on the equations, just throw something if you make a breakthrough,” he chuckled. “I’ve got another hunch, although I’m almost certain I’m wrong on this one too.”

Amethyst and I quickly grabbed our books and settled on the floor to read. It was strange how calm yet energized the air felt as we started turning the pages. Amethyst was a much faster reader than I could have ever dreamed of being, but I didn’t say anything as she rifled through the pages an order of magnitude faster than I did mine. Instead of focusing on the intermittent noise, I tried my best to keep my attention on the subject of my circle book.

Its text was lightly faded, but the wording was older still. Our language was always in constant development, that much was obvious, but despite the language barrier thr story itself was strangely fascinating. Through the broken sentences and grammar, I realized that this was the tale of the wheel, or rather, ancient machines that had been constructed over the ages. It was an interesting perspective, although I never found out who wrote it, the wording felt as though the author had seen, firsthand, the benefits of such contraptions. Screws to lift water from one level to another, wheels that made carrying materials and supplies farther and faster, and even rudimentary attempts at shipbuilding came to life in the circle story. There were hundreds of tales, some short quips, others pages long, of such devices. Each one had their own impact on the world around them, and allowed others to follow in their tracks toward more impressive devices. Wheels gave way to axels which became commonplace in the world soon after.

“Oh hey, look at this!” Amethyst said as she tapped on the book floating before her. “It looks like there was a way they ancients calculated the dimensions of the monoliths…”

Evenstar and I both turned our attention to her. “Well,” Evenstar prodded as he stepped to her side, “is there anything useful?”

“You tell me,” she said as she held the book before his face. “They used numerals differently, but it almost looks like they’re… describing multiplication.”

“You’re right…” Evenstar said after a moment of silence. “Great find, Amethyst. Here, mark this place and we’ll come back to it.”

I slowly approached the two of them. “Can I take a look?”

“By all means!” Evenstar said as the book floated to me. “It’s on the right page, about half way down.”

I tried to make sense of the symbols before my face, but no matter how hard I tired I couldn’t understand how they were drawing such a conclusion. Regardless, I kept my mouth closed. If they saw it, I figured it had to be there.

“Interesting…” I said, as I peered even closer. I wish I had paid genuine attention to their statement, but I was stuck on my own conundrum. The book I had been plodding through had started to allude to something. I wasn’t able to place exactly what it was, but it didn’t sit right with me. The book had a secret to it, a secret that I had yet to discover, but I was working through its obfuscation.

Despite its poor writing quality, I couldn’t help but wonder if there was something deeper to the story. I plodded on for hours, dismissing the frequent discoveries from Amethyst as she scanned through book after book. I wasn’t focused on her speed anymore; I had become fully enraptured in the notion that this circle book would reveal itself to me. However, as morning turned to evening and the light began to fade, I realized that my revelation would take more than just scanning through a book. I needed a reference, something to provide outside insight into what I was taking in, and there was no better place to start than by checking the table once more.

“No longer a statue, I see,” Amethyst quipped as I met her at the table and began searching through the pile. “What’s got you so fascinated in that book, anyway?”

“I… I don’t know,” I muttered as I poked through the stack. “I feel like its got some sort of secret that I just can’t piece together.”

“A secret?”

“Yeah, like there’s a deeper meaning to it than just small stories about machines.” I grabbed another unmarked book from the table, tossed it’s cover open, and frowned at the astronomical subject within. “I’m looking for something that talks about it… Something where another pony has a theory about its meaning.”

“I think you’re trying too hard,” Amethyst chuckled as she lifted a book from the pile and held it before my face. “Start reading something else. The only way you’re going to cross reference something like that is through luck.”

“I suppose you have a point,” I muttered as I took the book in my mouth and walked over to my reading spot. I turned to the first page and read the title aloud, “Magic and Mathematics, a history.”

“Sounds pretty relevant,” Evenstar muttered from his whiteboard.

I shrugged and curled up against the floor. The waning light of evening made it difficult to start reading my new book, so I scooted closer to the mantle of the fireplace, hoping the small crackling fire would provide a small bit of illumination.

Mathematics is the language in which Magic is written. For thousands of years, our comprehension of our magical abilities has walked alongside our abstract understanding of numbers and how to use them.

The further I read, the more I appreciated how clear it delivered its message compared to the other, but I still occasionally thought about that circle book. There was something hidden there, and I was going to find an answer.

It wasn’t until much later that night that I was torn from my reading once more. Magic and Mathematics, a History was not a small book, and despite reading at a much quicker pace, I was only a fraction of the way through it when my attention was torn from it once more.

“You still reading that?” Amethyst asked from her table.

“Yeah, why?”

“Hmmm… I need it to look at ancient algebraic development again. The book I’m reading is trying to insinuate that the development of magic stared around 100 years after mathematics, not in tandem. I need to check other sources.” She stepped to my side and looked to me and then to the fire.

“What’s wrong?”

“I… well… it’s nothing… How far have you gotten?” She asked as she rubbed the back of her head.

“I just got to the development of zero.”

Without a word, Amethyst stepped over me and laid down on my right. She lifted a number of pages from her side of the book and began reading in the soft purple glow of her magic. I had a train of thought until she slid herself against me. Then the only thought that dominated my mind was her presence next to me. I couldn’t shake it despite my attempts to do so. Instead, I found myself reading the same line over and over again, unable to comprehend what I was reading. This went on for quite a while, or at least, it seemed that way. I can’t say for sure how long we sat there, but I cherished every moment.

I started noticing the nuances of the experience. The way I rocked side to side as she breathed, the way her eyes darted across the page as she searched for an answer to her question, it all made me feel at ease. My head bobbed under its own weight as I started to drift to sleep. There was something about that security that was so comfortable I simply couldn’t help myself. I’m not sure if Amethyst noticed or not, but I pushed myself closer and laid my head down on the book, a moment later, and I was fast asleep.

> LI: Persied
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold, that’s what I felt when I finally woke from my slumber. As I cracked my eyes and stretched my once still body, I slowly began to recall what had happened as I was falling asleep. Amethyst had drawn close to me… even the thought of her presence made me feel a bit warmer, but suddenly that warmth vanished to the frigid wastes once more. For as I began to take in my surroundings, I realized that the book was no longer beneath my face, the embers of the fire had long since faded, and Amethyst was no longer at my side.

It’s funny, in a morbid kind of way, how I had grown so fond of her over such a short time. And now that she was gone, or at least appeared to be to my semi-conscious mind, I began to worry. Not for my own sake, but for hers.

However, as I rose from my side and stretched my legs, a familiar voice rang through the darkness.

“I didn’t wake you, did I?” Amethyst asked as she looked behind her shoulder at me. She sat before the massive panes of glass, her form a silhouette against the violet sky.

“Hmm? No… or at least, I don’t think so,” I stammered as I walked to her side. “What are you doing anyway?”

“Just looking.”

I stepped to her side and stared out the window before us. The moon had long since set and the black expanse before us was scattered in tiny specks of light above the patches of clouds far below. I had never given stars much thought, but I couldn’t help but try and see what Amethyst was marveling at. My focus would drift between the expanse before us and then to her resolute gaze as she peered through the glass.

“Do you see that?” She asked, her voice barely above a whisper as she peered closer to the glass.

“See what?”

“That band of stars over there. Do you know what that is?”

“I…” I paused for a moment and focused on the stars instead of her. It took me a moment to see what she was talking about, but soon I could see a thick scattering of stars from the horizon that swept over our head. “I think I can. What is it?”

“That’s our galaxy. Every star you see, it’s all part of it.”

I let her quiet words sink into my mind. The more I looked, the more stars I saw. As I peered further still, I began to understand why Amethyst was so drawn to them. There was something magical about those points in the sky. I couldn’t help but look to her once more. Tearing my attention from the sky was difficult, but as my eyes adjusted to her I could see a familiar wonder in her own. No matter how many times she looked to the sky, she would get lost in its wonder.

“What are they though…”

“We… well… we don’t really know. But I have a guess…” She lifted a small book before her and flipped through its weathered pages. “There was an ancient astronomer long ago that thought our own Sun was a star as well. If he’s right…” she looked to the band of stars once more. “Could you imagine…”

“Imagine what?”

“How small we are… Every point of light out there, you can’t even count them all.”

We sat in silence as we let the wonder of the galaxy overwhelm us. I’m not sure how long we gazed, but I will never forget those quiet moments of pure awe staring out at the sky. It engulfed the world, always watching down on our actions yet never intervening with our lives.

“See up there?” Amethyst whispered as she pointed to a star far above the horizon. “It’s lined up with the axis of our planet and ponies have been using it to navigate for years. Just with a few little tools they were able to travel all across the world.” She shook her head. “I still don’t know how they did it.”

“Amethyst?”

“Hmm?”

“Why do you like the stars so much?”

She was silent for a moment. “You know, I’m not really sure. I guess it all started when I was a filly and my mom bought me a telescope. It sat unused for months until, one night as I was falling asleep, I saw a shooting star out of my window.

“I thought it was a bug or something at first, but a few minutes later, another one flew across the sky.” Amethyst looked to the floor and smiled. “And then I stayed up all night watching the meteor shower.” She chuckled a bit as her eyes drifted shut. “My mom was so mad when she found me peering into my telescope the next morning. I think I had a test, but nothing was going to get in the way of me watching the stars.”

“A few months later and I got my hooves on a star chart, and then…” She looked to the sky once more. “I’ve never stopped since.”

As if to punctuate her sentence, a star shot across the sky. I know she saw it, but then she asked the most peculiar of questions. “What’s today?”

“What?”

“Starswirl,” she said as she turned to me. “Do you know what today’s date is?”

“I uhh… No?” It had been months since I had kept track of days, they all just melded together at this point. “Why?”

Without another word, Amethyst broke into a gallop as she raced to the calendar on the wall.

“Yes!” she shouted as she raced back to my side. “I can’t believe it! It’s tonight!”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, clearly shaken from her sudden surge of energy.

“The Persied meteor shower! It’s tonight!”

“So?”

“Starswirl,” she grabbed my hoof and brought her intent gaze to my own. “Have you never seen a meteor shower?”

“I’ve seen a few shooting stars before…” Her eyes widened as she looked to me and then snapped her attention to the window. I could feel her hoof trembling ever so slightly. “Are you okay?”

“I’m great!” she exclaimed as she turned to me once more. There was something about her eyes, the way she stared at me, something electric was in the air.

“Umm, Amethyst?”

By now her grin was almost impossibly large. “It’s tonight.”

“So I’ve gathered.”

“So why aren’t you looking?” She asked as she gestured toward the sky.

I turned to look at the sky once more, expecting to see more of the same wondrous stars, but as I turned I saw a small streak fly through the sky. A few seconds later and another one followed. I’m not sure I can do the sight justice, but I can say that those few streaks of light kept both of us riveted on the sky as hundreds more rained from the heavens.

Staring at the sky for such a long time was a beautiful experience, but I suppose Amethyst had other interested instead of the heavens. If I had paid more attention to her instead of the stars, I would have probably seen her next move coming. As I sat unaware, she leaned into my cheek and planted a light kiss.

As you can expect, I nearly fell over from the unexpected sensation. I looked to her, my eyes wide as I tried to figure out what she was doing. All she could do was snicker at my ridiculous behavior and now, looking back on it, I suppose that’s all I can do as well.

“Are you always going to freak out when I kiss you?” she asked with a wry smile.

My eyes narrowed. “It depends on how many times you plan on doing it.” Make no mistake, I was enamored with her, but she was something I couldn’t ever really understand. She leaned closer, and before I could voice my protest, she placed her lips on mine. The sparks flew once more, and suddenly the meteor shower to my left seemed just a bit less impressive than before.

As she drew away, I took in the breath I didn’t realize I had been holding. We both looked at each other for a moment, our efforts to contain our laughter failing by the second.

“I plan to do it a lot,” she said before bursting into laughter and throwing her forelegs around me.

We remained in that position, resting on each other as the stars fell across the sky through the night. I cannot possibly describe how I felt, but if I had to sum it up in a single word, it would be “Bliss.”
> LII: Transient
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

My duty to get the mail the next day was the same as it had always been. Every time I opened the door I was always met with a new sight. Sometimes Amethyst would be curled up by the fire, sometimes Evenstar would be meddling over his equations, and many times they would be caught up in a brief conversation about the nature of their research. However, today, as I stepped through the door, I heard something I hadn’t heard before: arguing.

“Come on, Evenstar! That’s not possible!”

“Maybe not to the untrained eye, but the proof is right there.” Evenstar was using that voice of his, the same one he used whenever he had made a breakthrough. What worried me was how he addressed Amethyst.

“Untrained eye?! You’ve got to be out of your mind! With your equation I could prove one equals two!” Amethyst angrily drew up a piece of chalk and began scribbling. “Watch, you’re not making any sense!” 

As she stepped through her proof, I turned my attention to Evenstar. I couldn’t help but notice how tired he seemed. I searched his eyes but found no trace of that usual fire of determination in the vacant expression he wore. It was almost as though he were only taking place as a spectator to the research he had driven for decades. The more I watched him, the more unsettled I became. His eyes were drooping, his attention as fleeting as a candle in the wind. He was trying to focus, but his gaze looked as if he was seeing through the board rather than what was written on top of it.

“And there you have it!” she proclaimed, drawing my attention to the board before her once more. “And after I cancel out the ‘x,’ one is equal to two.” She let the chalk drop to the tray as she spun to Evenstar. Her gaze held a triumphant air as she looked to Evenstar for his response, but it gave way to disbelief as he tried to scan the board once more.

The room grew silent as his gaze drifted over the proof again and again, his mind trying desperately to parse the information presented so clearly to him. The proof wasn’t difficult to comprehend, but something was holding him back. He strained to follow its logic, but despite his best efforts understanding eluded him.

“Evenstar?” Amethyst started. “Are you alright?”

“I believe so,” he grumbled without removing his gaze from the board.

“You… You do see how I got that answer, right?”

“I… well of course I do,” he muttered. “I still don’t see how it applies to my original equa-” he stopped before he could incriminate himself further, but my mind picked up where his statement left off.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” I asked as I took a step toward him.

“I’m fine,” Evenstar said dismissively as he held up a hoof to stop my approach. “I’m fine.”

Not knowing what to do, I glanced to Amethyst. I had never seen him like this before, and the worried confusion on her face told the same story. Something was wrong, but neither of us knew what to make of it. “M-Maybe you should get some rest.”

“I’ll have time for rest when I’m dead.” I’m not sure if it was a poorly timed joke, but the mention of death did not sit well with me.

“Maybe you should take a break for now,” Amethyst offered as she stepped away from the board. “It’s a nice day outside, maybe you could take a walk around campus. You know, to clear your mind?”

“I don’t need to clear my mind, Amethyst. I need to keep working.”

“Evenstar,” I started as I looked to the board once more, “You can’t force something like this. You’re close, I can feel it, but…” I glanced to Amethyst. Her face bore the same concern and confusion that I felt. I didn’t want to let my mind follow its grim train of thought, and much to my relief, Evenstar spoke before I could follow its path.

“I’m going to my office. There’s too many distractions down here and I need to focus.” Before we could protest, the door shut behind him and we were bathed in an oppressive silence that begged our minds to wonder.

“Do you think he’s okay?” I asked, trying to bring life back to the room.

“I don’t know… I’ve never seen him like this before…” She looked to me, and before she could hide behind her façade once more, her eyes told me the truth. Amethyst was afraid. Something was amiss, something we couldn’t control. We could only sit idly by as our mentor walked a path we couldn’t take. “I- I’m sure he’ll be fine. He gets this way every now and again, it’ll pass.” Her reassurance sound more like she was trying to convince herself rather than me.

“I hope so…” I said as I looked to the door.

“Well, if he’s up in his office, I guess we can work on my shell spell. I haven’t done anything with it for a while, maybe we can make some progress.” Her offer was tempting. It was a chance to forget everything that had happened and focus on making progress once more.

“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea,” I said as I walked to her table. “Where did we leave off?”

“Well… where we started I guess,” Amethyst said as she looked over her previous work. “The last thing I tried didn’t work… shocking, isn’t it?” 

“Well, what did you try last?”

“Making it bigger. I’ve been able to make it rather large, but I’m still using the same method that I’ve used since I developed the spell.”

“So, if that’s not working, then what can you do?”

“I don’t know… Everything seems so simple! It’s just a sphere. But the MMUs weren’t designed to be used with anything other than flat surfaces.” She let out a groan. “I don’t know what I can do, Starswirl. Every time I think about this I get caught in the same loop of how easy it should be.”

“Well, what about a different approach?” I asked as I scrutinized her scribblings. “Maybe there’s another way.”

“I’ve tried everything, Starswirl.”

“Everything?”

“Uh, yeah.” She looked at me as though I asked if she had breathed in the past hour. “I’ve tried shrinking the MMUs, aligning them normal to the origin, forcing them smaller than ever thought possible, but I always encounter the same instability as before.”

“But, have you ever tried not using an MMU?”

The question caught her so off guard that she actually pondered the idea for a moment. “Well, no, but there’s nothing else to use.”

“Why not make one?” I offered as I looked over the countless failed attempts.

“Make another magical mass unit standard? Are you insane?”

“You wouldn’t be the first one to ask,” I snickered as I looked to her. “I mean, Evenstar did it, maybe we can use some of his research.”

“Do you know how long that would take?”

“No, but how long will it take you to figure it out a different way? If you’re limited by the MMU, why not change it?”

She paused for a moment. “You know Starswirl, I think you actually are crazy.”

“Hear me out,” I started as I stepped to her side and sifted through the papers on the table. “There’s a thousand different ways you’ve tried to make your spell work, but every time you’re hindered by the MMU. So why not take the concept and change it? If you need a curve, make them work with curves. If you need an infinitesimal, make one. Make another MMU, one that fits your needs rather than the one made to fit the needs of the past.”

“And how do you expect to pull this off? You can’t just rewrite a spell like that, it takes time. Besides, even if you manage to get there, you still might be wrong.”

“Well of course, but you’ll never know until you try!” I said as I stepped to the bookshelves. Of the hundreds of books before me, I knew what I needed might not lie in any of them. I scanned through the titles and flipped those that had any possible connection to my growing idea off of the shelf and onto the floor. “There’s got to be somepony who’s thought of this befo-” I froze. “Wait, Amethyst. Remember that one book? The one that talked about the issues of the magical mass unit?”

“Oh yeah! The fundamental Problem with the MMU, I think.”

“What was his conclusion?”

“It’s not scalable,” she said, her voice gaining energy as she realized the point I was making. “Starswirl, do you think you could find that book?”

“I’m already one step ahead of you,” I said as I scanned through the books. “Even if he didn’t have a reason to make another MMU, maybe we can get an idea of what to avoid when we make our own!”

“It so crazy it just might work,” she whispered as she cleared the table.

“Found it!”

“Perfect! Bring it to the board and we can get to work.”

As I looked to her eager gaze, my own alighted on the scribbling behind her. The painful confusion of what had happened bit into my soul. I didn’t want to think about what had happened, and my mind did its best to push away those thoughts. However, by the time I had reached the board and placed the book on the table, my face had fallen.

I looked to Amethyst and then to the board. I didn’t voice my question, but she nodded in agreement all the same. We needed to move on, to press forward through hard times. We faced challenges and overcame them when. This was just the same thing, a challenge. I stepped toward the board and took an eraser.

“I’m sure this will all blow over anyway,” I whispered as I smudged the proof on the board. “He’ll be fine”

> LIII: Systematic
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So… what now?” Amethyst asked as she stepped to my side. We had deliberated for hours over changing the MMU only to find ourselves more confused and frustrated than before.

“Well… Let’s start from the beginning…” I said for what felt like the hundredth time.

“Starswirl, if you’re going to try to change the dimensions of the MMU it just won’t work. We’ve tried this at least a dozen different ways but every time we end up hitting the same problem.”

“But why would there be a random arbitrary number associated to a side length? It just doesn’t make any sense.”

“Maybe Evenstar knows something we don’t,” Amethyst offered as she glanced to the door.

I gritted my teeth. “He said he wanted to be alone, but we’re so close…”

Amethyst stepped closer and laid a hoof on my side. The gesture melted my building rage long enough for me to consider her plea. “Why not work on something else?”

“What else is there for us to work on?” I asked as I turned to her. “The MMU is step one…”

“It’s a step…” her last word lingered as she looked to the sky beyond the window. “But it’s not the only step. We’re not running a race, Starswirl, we’re figuring out a puzzle.”

“If you’ve got an idea then say it,” I frowned.

“Alright, alright,” she surrendered as she walked to the table with her research. “The MMU is only part of the equation. The other half is mathematics: the dome itself.”

As she lifted the gridded paper from the table, I finally realized what she had been hinting at. “You’re right…” I muttered as I stepped to the page. “We still have to figure out the shape.” I leaned to my right to bring her face back in view. “But we won’t be able to do much, will we? I mean the MMU is what everything else relies on, what can you do without it? Then again I'm hitting a wall here, so I guess it can't hurt to try.”

We stepped to the table as Amethyst laid down the sheet. I watched for a moment as she studied the grid between us. She was so intent, so determined to see our crazy idea through that I couldn’t help but feel a connection to her. We wanted the same thing, we were making the proper steps, and we were doing it together. There was comfort in that thought, that concept of being with somepony else.

“Hmmm,” She hummed as she drew closer to the page. “I’ve always tried to use the MMU… I don’t know what to do now that it’s gone.”

“Well… 

“I’ve always tried defining the shell based on the grid, but what about…” her words trailed off as she scrutinized the page even closer than before.

“What about what?” I asked as the quill beside me rose from its well.

Her nose nearly touching the page, she drew a perfect cross through the center of the blocky circle, dividing the image into quarters. “It’s an axis…” She lifted a pencil from the table and began tracing through the centers of the boxes. “And this circle, at least it’s top half… It’s continuous… It’s a function.”

My eyes darted to the page as I watched her revelation unfold on the page before us. I couldn’t quite understand why I was so captivated by such a seemingly obvious fact, but I stood enraptured as my mind overthought its implications. “What’s the equation?” I asked as she scrutinized the line.

“Well, I wanted it to be a sphere, so this should be the square root of the x value’s square and the y value’s square.”

It took us a few minutes to check to see if her math was correct, but once we did, another revelation began to dawn on me. “If we draw another line next to it, we’ll have an area… do you think we could use that for volume?”

“I think so,” she said as she drew a smaller circle on the page. “But if I’m going to cast this I have to know the exact volume. That’s why I always used cubes.”

“An exact volume?”

“Yeah. That was one of the limitations of the MMU, you can’t cast spells without knowing how much magic you can use. It’s not like filling up a cup with water and the extra spilling over the side, it needs to be perfect every single time. Counting the cubes worked just fine, and that’s why Evenstar made it cubic to begin with. Still…” Amethyst’s voice faded off as her gaze drifted to the window. “We have that equation though. If I put any number in it, I’ll get an answer every time.”

We grew silent as we both pondered the circle before us. We knew what we needed: an exact solution to an approximate problem. I don’t know how many scholars had pondered the same questions we were asking, but the barrier of perfection lay in between us and our solution as it had for millennia.

“But, if we get a really close estimate with cubes, would we get something that you could cast?”

“Nope, it has to be exact.”

“So then we can’t do it,” I started as I looked at the circle. “Pi is just an approximation, unless we know it exactly there’s no sense in using a circle… right?”

Amethyst looked to me once more as a frown spread across her face. “So then do we just give up?”

“No, but the circle itself, we need a replacement. Something that’s like a circle but doesn’t involve pi.”

“A parabola,” Amethyst whispered as she stepped to the bookshelves. “It’s a conic section. I think I can make the math work for it.” She withdrew a small book from the shelf and flipped through its browning pages. A moment later she furrowed her brow and she brought the book before my muzzle. “See that? It’s just y equals x squared.”

“So there’s no pi?” I asked, the spark of hope glowing brighter once more.

She shook her head. “If we set y equal to the negative of x and then add, umm… two or something, then we’ll have a half dome!”

“Perfect!” I exclaimed as she sketched a grid on the chalkboard before us.

“So we’ve got this dome and if we add another line to it we’ll get our area where my magic will be cast.”

“And then all we have to do is-” I caught myself before I could finish my sentence. The next step was to figure out how to accurately calculate that volume, a task that was much easier said than done. Amethyst’s excited expectation slowly melted to mild dejection as she realized I had no way to finish my sentence.

“So now what?”

I inadvertently looked to the chalkboards to see if there was a solution hidden right before me. Between the cracked board, the first half of the analog equations, and the thousands of proofs that walled the rooms, offered their aid in our endeavor. “I don’t know…” I whispered as my gaze drifted to the floor. “Is there any way to estimate the volume? Maybe we could get some clues from there.”

She rubbed her chin as she thought for a moment. “There is a way to approximate the volume underneath a curve, but it’s very messy.”

I shrugged. “That’s about as good as anything else we can do right now. How does it work?”

She stepped to the board once more and drew a rather strange E shaped symbol on the board. “A researcher a few years ago made a notation for adding up a bunch of numbers based on one equation. He called it summation, but it’s not very commonly used. The only reason I ever had to use it was because I was looking for ways of making the math of my shell spell a bit easier to do.”

She drew a number above and below the symbol. “So the bottom number is where you start your calculations, and the top number is the number you end at. Then, all you have to do is systematically work the function and add the results.”

I was enraptured as I watched her begin to add the functions to one another. It was a remarkably simple process but the result was an incredible revelation to me. I hadn’t ever thought of using mathematics as something to systematically perform mathematics before, but once I saw it used in such a way, I couldn’t help but sit aghast at the concept. I had an idea, one that involved some strange notions, but it was only just budding as she drew that equation on the board

“So,” she said as she faced me. “Does that make any sense?”

“I- I think so,” I said as I cocked my head to the side. “So we just do that function a hundred times until we finally get a massive number at the end?”

“Yep, and I can do this a lot faster for magic because of the notation.” Her eyebrows rose as a hopeful spark rose in her eyes. “So do you think we could use it?”

“I… well maybe,” I started as I looked to the parabola on the board.

A smile crept across her face as she stealthily placed a period before the bottom number. “If we do this, the calculation takes longer, but the end result has a higher resolution.”

That’s when the realization hit me: the bottom number controlled the resolution along with the starting point. If we could choose the resolution, then maybe we could incorporate a limit into the equation. Obviously I hadn’t articulated my thoughts to the scale of that revelation quite yet, but the idea itself was forming in a much more abstract way in my mind.

“Mhm,” she hummed with a smile and a nod. “I’ve seen some other researchers use this to find the approximate areas beneath curves. It’s not exact, but well…” She looked at me and shrugged to finish her sentence.

“Well… what?” I asked, trying to coax the sentence from her.

A wry smile accompanied her gentle gaze. “You’re the anomaly, Starswirl.”
> LIV: Fog
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I cannot say how long that concept drifted through my mind, but it was a peculiar experience all the same. Just as I had done with the limit, I had a feeling this was much more than a certain kind of function.

Amethyst and I went about our research reverently as we pondered how to employ that function. We would alternate between asking questions and answering them, bouncing ideas between ourselves until the idea had changed altogether hours later. We grew weary as we trudged through the same concepts time and again. Despite our initial fervor, we slowly came to the realization that our questions were only spurring more questions rather than conclusive answers.

Finally, after several hours of circular discussion, Amethyst broke our rhythm.

“Starswirl, I can’t think straight anymore.” Her complaint echoed my own disdain and as I looked to the increasing sloppiness of the equations on the board. I realized our work’s fruitfulness was waning.

“It is getting late,” I said with a yawn. “Maybe we can pick this up tomorrow?”

Amethyst nodded slowly as her eyes began to droop. We were both tired, but I knew that I wasn’t going to fall asleep any time soon. Amethyst stepped over to the fireplace and stoked the embers back to life. “Come here,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

Her command was just strong enough to pull my gaze from the board to her eyes. The sparkling orange fire across that royal sea gently made everything else matter just a bit less.

“You’ve been overworking yourself. Come rest for the night,” she said as she lowered herself to the floor.

I wanted to take a second glance at the math, to pull myself from my trance long enough to make a rational decision, but my mind was already trapped in her gaze. I stepped to her side and hesitated as I began to let my head rest on her side. When she didn’t protest, I relaxed. I drifted up and down as her breathing slowed, and as my eyes drooped I thought for a moment about how peaceful the world was. There was no pressure to perform, no expectations to meet; only the two of us in front of the fire.

“I think we’re onto something,” Amethyst muttered, my head jostling as she spoke.

“Hmmm?”

“Our research… you know… with the shell?”

“Oh, right,” I muttered, my eyes still closed in contentment.

“I can’t help but feel that there’s something more to this than just a simple spell.”

“What?”

“I don’t know… I can’t place it, but I can feel it.” I wasn’t sure if her comment was founded in some sort of epiphany or a tired mind beginning to forget parts of reality. Regardless, I knew my mind was fading as well, so I let the statement hang in the air as the world drifted away.

I’m not sure what stirred me from my sleep, but I awoke from my rest in a stupor of revelation. My dream, though I have long since forgotten its specifics, had begged a question that I hadn’t considered before. And, as always happens with dreams, that question immediately began to slip my mind. With all the urgency my mind could muster, I rose from my place and stumbled to the table. My eyes lazily gazed across the surface seeking to find something I could use to record the thought as it decayed by the second. I’m not sure when I picked up the quill, or how I was able to write in such a delirious state, but I will be forever grateful that I did.

As I placed the quill back on the table and the urgency faded from my mind, I could no longer recall the revelation, all I could do was quietly whisper the line back to myself. “Answer isn’t number.” Fortunately, I was only just able to read. Otherwise I might have tried to rewrite my sentence and risk the valuable revelation held in its broken syntax.

I stood in silence as I let my mind get lost in the room once more. It was peaceful like usual, and, as always, it began to lull me to sleep. Without somepony else working in the laboratory, it never drew me to discover much. I had always been encouraged by Evenstar or Amethyst, even when they simply stood in the corner and tended to their own business.

I looked to Amethyst as she slept peacefully by the fire. Her side gently rose and fell as the fire cast a flickering shadow behind her. She was content; this was everything she had ever wanted in her life. She was moving the way she had always wanted to go to a destination that she always knew was there. I’m not sure why my mind drifted to such a thought, but it forced me to reflect on my own path. I had no idea what I was doing, and furthermore, I had no concept of where I was going. Every day was a new revelation, and despite how much I enjoyed such a stimulating life, it was beginning to grow wearisome.

She was heading the way she had always wanted to go to the destination she always knew was there. 

When you chase something, it’s fun at first. It makes you think of what might happen in the future, of how your catch might suddenly change your life. It doesn’t cross your mind that your goal might not be achievable. However, after a while you begin to notice how much effort you’re spending on this chase. The novelty wears off to reveal the truth of the matter: you might not catch it.

That feeling began to dawn on me as I looked around the room. The circled equation to Evenstar’s long mathematical journey had only revealed a half answer to his question. I realized that this too may be my fate. It was terrifying. I wasn’t in a state to fully understand it, nor was I able to rationalize any lasting decision, but it was a feeling that would become rather common in my life. In the wee hours of the morning, as my mind drifted in state of loose consciousness, I was forced to face the thought that I might not succeed.

Everything else from that moment on is a blur. Through the haze of comforting sleep, I remember Amethyst, the room around me, and the small stars that glistened outside the window.

I blinked and it was day.
> LV: Accident
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You’re finally awake,” Amethyst snickered as I stretched and lazily scanned the room.

“What?” I mumbled as I blinked the sleep from my eyes.

“You’ve been asleep all morning.”

“Oh…” I squinted as I checked the windows to the lab. The bright blue sky was lit a brilliant blue to my unadjusted eyes. “How long have you been up?”

“Several hours, but I haven’t made any headway on the shell. These approximations… they’re useful but I still run into the same issues that I’ve had before”

I had no recollection of the night before, so I simply walked to her side and scrutinized her work. She’d effectively made a shell, but the same issues remained. “It’s so hard to look at it from another perspective,” she said with a huff. “I know that, with the right tools, I can make it sort of work, but I can’t use them. I spend more time avoiding the other solution than I do actually figuring out this problem.”

“Well,” I said as I let out a yawn, “maybe you should try from another angle. Here,” I said as I slid the page aside and pointed toward the graph we had drawn yesterday.

Amethyst looked to me with a frown. “That’s what I’ve been doing.”

“I’m just trying to offer suggestions,” I said as I backed away and stretched.

“I know, I just wish I could get some bout of inspiration like you did that one day.”

My ears perked up. Something deep within my mind was stirring, as though I had only seen something in a dream. “Inspiration?”

“Yeah, you just had an idea, wrote it down, and it was right. I still don’t understand how you did it.”

“Inspiration…” I said as I started toward the fire. “I… feel like I did.”

Amethyst raised an eyebrow. “Come again?”

I closed my eyes and strained to catch that fleeting thought as it raced through my mind. “I remember something last night, in a dream, I got up from my place by the fire…” I rose from my place and, eyes closed, recalled the events as I said them. “Walked over to the table… and wrote down a few words.”

“What were they?”

No matter how hard I strained, I couldn’t recall the specific words. Each time I tried, a new set appeared, and each time they formed less coherent sentences than the last. I shook my head and let my eyes drift open.

“I don’t reme-” Just as I was about to announce my defeat, there before me lay the page. In a moment the entirety of my solution hit me, nearly making me loose my balance. “Amethyst!”

“What?” She asked in eager anticipation.

“It wasn’t a dream! I got up last night and wrote it down!” I took a deep breath and looked at the sloppy lettering on the page. “Answer… not… number.”

“Answer not number?” Amethyst asked as she looked back to her work.

“I don’t know, maybe I’m just cra-”

“That’s it!”

As if to punctuate her revelation, a deep thump shook the room. Before we could react, a haunting moan leaked from the cracks in the door. My heart stopped. I had never heard a sound of such defeated anguish before, and there was something disturbingly familiar to the cry.

“Evenstar!” Amethyst shouted as she bolted toward the door and quickly swung it open. I flinched as Evenstar drew in a sharp breath as he spilled onto the floor.

“I-I,” He painfully whispered as he tried to raise his head. “I tripped.”

“Are you okay?” Amethyst asked. She began to lift him from the ground, however, his painful wince stopped her from continuing.

“My leg…” The room fell silent as we turned our gaze to his right foreleg. It was twisted and pinned beneath his weight in a rather awkward position. “I can’t feel it”

Immediately Amethyst gestured for me to help free his trapped leg, but as we did we realized the gravity of his fall. A small trickle of blood sprung from a tiny white protrusion beneath his grey coat. It was so small I paid little attention to it, but Amethyst’s eyes widened as she noticed the damage. She looked to me and then back to Evenstar, her worry palpable as she tried to keep from staring at the leg.

“We need a splint,” she said, trying to contain the fear that was growing in her eyes. I met her gaze and quickly galloped to the fireplace. I took the poker in my mouth and brought it back to her. “Okay, do we have a rope?”

“There is some fabric atop the second bookshelf,” Evenstar whispered. A moment later, and it descended beside the poker in Amethyst’s purple aura. “I don’t know how it happened…”

“Shhh,” Amethyst whispered as she looked to Evenstar. “Save your breath, we can deal with that later.” She looked around for a moment before nodding in the direction of one of the tables. “We’ll need that. Starswirl, have you ever splinted a leg before?

I shook my head.

“Alright, I’ve done it once, but never on a break this bad…”

“Break?” Evenstar whispered as his ears perked up.

Amethyst looked to me, tears welling up in her eyes.

“I don’t know, Amethyst. It looks like it could be a dislocation,” I said, trying to keep Evenstar’s fear at bay. I don’t think either of us fully understood how devastating this incident was. It’s always easier to brush something off as inconsequential; it keeps the subconscious plans alive.

“Well we need to get him on the table,” Amethyst said with a sigh. 

I lifted the bulk of Evenstar’s weight as Amethyst gently stabilized his injured leg as he moved to the table. I let him down as gently as I could, but he still winced when he hit the table. Now, with Evenstar in a more accessible position, we could truly see the extent of the damage. “I… That’s not as bad as I thought,” I said.

A weak smile spread across Amethyst’s lips. “I think you’re right, we’ll have to clean up that cut though,” she said as she nodded toward the small trail of blood.

“Right,” I said before turning toward the bookshelves once more. “Umm… You don’t have bandages down here, do you?”

“Fourth shelf,” Evenstar groaned.

As I trotted off to retrieve the bandages, Amethyst turned to Evenstar. “What happened?”

“I… I can’t remember. The last thing I can recall was walking out of my office.” Evenstar let out a groan and painfully lifted his head from the table. “Everything feels foggy.”

“Did you hit your head?” Amethyst asked as she looked at his head.

“What? Oh no! Not at all!” Evenstar started as he reached up with his good leg and adjusted his hat. “No, no, no, my head is fine,” he said with a sigh as he rested back on the table.  “It’s fine.”

Amethyst caught my confused gaze as I trotted back to the table, bandages carried gently in my mouth. She was as bewildered as I at his reaction, but when she saw the bandages she returned to the task at hand.

We stood in silence as Amethyst bandaged the wound. To avoid any awkwardness, I let my eyes wander through the brightly lit tables and shelves. Everything was where it normally was, the clutter filled any surface it could, but something was missing. This wasn't a new realization, mind you, but one that only now dawned on me. The sense of activity was gone, that energy that I fed off when I first entered this lab was now coated in a thin layer of dust on the books that remained untouched on the tables. The experiments we had performed together were the slowly dying embers in the fireplace. And most importantly, the stallion who had taught me in the ways of magic now lay on a table, barely able to lift his head.

Everything I had ever wanted was slowly coming to a standstill, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
> LVI. System
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You really should be working,” Evenstar grumbled as he begrudgingly began to take a drink of the soup levitating before him. He grimaced as he propped himself up.

“Too hot?” Amethyst asked as she absentmindedly swung the kettle further from the fire.

“No just… sore,” He sighed as he let his head rest back on the pillow of his makeshift bed. “I’m not hungry anyway, go do your research.”

“We aren’t working until you eat,” Amethyst said as she let the bowl drift to the table.

“If I ate every portion you required of me I’d be fatter than a pig,” Evenstar quipped as he propped himself up on the table once more. “Give it here.” He took the bowl in his trembling hoof.

“I can help,” Amethyst offered as she let her aura engulf the bowl.

“No, no…” Evenstar said as he pulled the steaming soup toward his mouth. “I’ve got to get back to work soon.” As it reached his lips, the foreleg that he had been using to prop himself up gave way. A cacophony of sound and soup filled the room as Evenstar’s breakfast spilled across his bed. This was the third time in the past two days this had happened.

“Evenstar,” I said as I approached the bed. “You really need to relax. Your leg won’t heal any faster if you keep pushing yourself like this.” Evenstar glared at me as Amethyst quickly tended to the mess he had made. A fire burned in his eyes, one of anger and determination, and yet, it was dwindling ever so slowly.

“I will not rest. Not until my research is complete.”

Amethyst shot me a glance to keep me from arguing, for there was no use. Despite being bedridden for nearly a week, he still complained daily about our help. I don’t think he realized how much he need, and keeping him in something so confining was difficult to say the least.

When we weren’t tending to Evenstar’s, Amethyst and I tried desperately to keep working on the minor breakthroughs we had made on the shell. We both felt like something was there, something important, but without Evenstar everything just felt… meaningless.

An hour later, and Evenstar had been fed. After which he promptly fell asleep. It was growing difficult to work without him, but we tried our best to plod along and continue with our research.

“So, where were we?” Amethyst asked as she let out a sigh.

“Uhh… The summation?”

“Right,” she said with a nod as she walked back to the board and drew the parabola once more. “So what is this area?

The question lingered in the air as she drew out the complicated formula. Every iteration brought an increase in resolution, but much more time was spent working out the answer. When she reached the end, we exchanged glances before she let out an exhausted sigh. “Now what?”

I scrutinized the math as I let my mind scramble together any modicum of direction. I was running out of sensible ideas, and I knew she was picking up on my lack of understanding. “Can we set the resolution to infinity?”

Amethyst’s jaw dropped open. “Uhhh… no,” She said bitingly. “Do you have some method for doing that?

“Well th-the limit might work.” I quickly tried to retract my stupidity, but Amethyst had grabbed it.

“And how do you expect to do that?!”

“I… I don’t know…”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Amethyst shouted as she tried to coax any sensible idea from my mind.

“I just don’t know!” I shouted as I stomped the ground. “None of this makes any sense anymore!”

Amethyst looked to the ceiling and let out a frustrated sigh. “Starswirl, come on!”

“Look, I’m sorry,” I shouted as I stared wide-eyed at her. “I was just throwing around ideas, but everything has started making less and less sense. We’re dealing with 3D functions now, 3D functions! We’ve got scraps of the most advanced mathematical system lying around this chalk board, but I can’t give you all of the answers!” As I cooled off I looked to Evenstar. The stallion who had brought us to this point lay asleep in his makeshift bed.

Amethyst let out a sigh. “I’m sorry,” she said softly as she stepped to the chalkboard and erased our most recent scribblings. “I just feel like we’re so close to a breakthrough.”

“And what will that breakthrough grant us?” I asked as I stepped to the chalkboard and tapped the first half of the analog equations. “Another door to be unlocked?” I looked to her and frowned. “Without Evenstar... I don’t know what I’m doing here.”

“Starswirl,” she started.

“I’m sorry, Amethyst. Without Evenstar, I can’t do much here,” I said as tears welled up in my eyes. “I don’t think I’m the genius you think I am.” I looked to my mentor as he lay peacefully on his side. There was nothing I could do to help him, and likewise myself. He had been my support, but now, when the curtain had been pulled back and the truth revealed, I wasn’t who they thought I was.

I turned and trotted to the windows, not sure what I would find in that endless expanse of cloud and sky. As I passed the tables, I could hear Amethyst start to call my name, but I couldn’t care. All I could think about was how everything had fallen apart so suddenly. There was a role that I thought I was supposed to fill, but now more than ever it was clear that I simply could not rise to the challenge.

You’re just an earth pony, I thought as I looked across the clouds below. There’s nothing here for you. The quiet rustling of paper beckoned for me to look behind me, but all I could do was let my mind wander from cloud top to cloud top in search anything to distract my mind from its own self destruction.

I don’t know how long I sat like that, but I do remember Amethyst’s voice interrupting the silence. She spoke a phrase that had some distant familiarity to it. Like I had only heard it in a dream long ago.

“Answer isn’t… number?”

My mind latched onto that phrase, desperately trying to understand why it was so familiar. Then, as if a light suddenly turned on in the darkness of my mind, I remembered that night as I stumbled to the desk and wrote those words. It was my small revelation in the middle of the night.

“Where did you find that?” I asked as I looked back at her.

“It was on the table. I was looking for one of our old graphs. Why? What does it mean?”

I stepped to her side and read the page once more. “It means… It means we’ve done it.” I said as a small smile spread across my lips. “Amethyst, the shell… the answer isn’t a number that we’re looking for. This isn’t an equality, it’s a…” I hesitated as I looked at the chalkboard where the first half of the analog equation was written. It stood as a warning to us that when one door was opened, another would always arrive once more. Our discoveries were not answers, they were progress.

“It’s a system.”