//------------------------------// // XLVII: Answer // Story: Memoirs of a Magic Earth Pony // by The Lunar Samurai //------------------------------// I’m not sure whether it was the rain or my tears that blurred my vision as I cantered out of the university’s gates, but I didn’t care either way. The familiar world around me was clouded in the haze of rain and my own confusion. The clouds that tumbled ever lower in the sky were as chaotic as the questions that lurked in my mind. “Why this?” Was the only thing I could whisper between each breath I drew. My mind was so fixated on what happened, yet I couldn’t make heads or tails of the event. I was still fighting myself and now I was fighting against the stallion who had mentored me. “Why this?” I whispered as I broke into a gallop. Each step my hooves took against the cobblestone sent a twinge of pain through my body. I wasn’t used to exercise like this, as you can probably imagine, so the unfamiliar sensation gave me another reason to continue. It felt numb, as though the pain of exercise was washing away the pain in my mind. “Why this?” The rain tore at my face as I ran ever faster through the streets. No pony was out, and maybe that was for the better. I could barely see, and stumbling into somepony else outside could have been a devastating event. Most importantly, however, was that I just wanted to be alone. The implications of what had just happened had changed so much of what I had once believed to be fact. Does he even care about me at all? I thought as I blinked away my tears. My heavy breathing forbade me from speaking once more, but the thoughts continued all the same. I was struggling to collect the pieces of my life that had suddenly been scattered like chaff. I needed something to hold on to, something to bring my mind to rest, but nothing came to my aid. Everything I had that thought was wrong. I only liken that mental tumbling to the sensation of falling. Pieces of what I had once called solid ground floated around me, and every time I tried to grab hold I realized that it was falling as well. No matter how hard I tried to reason my way around what had just happened, I could do nothing to stop my own demise. My gallop slowed to a trot as questions became more distinct. Arguments sparked in my mind, a war between my intuition and my emotion raged beyond my control. I felt helpless at the conflict, but I was the one who took the casualties. My confidence, my security, and my hope all came under fire as those two forces clashed. On one side, I would blame myself for daring to hope in such wondrous dreams that I had once seen as guaranteed. On the other, I tried to justify Evenstar’s action against me. I mean, I wanted to be able to sacrifice myself for the world, but being sacrificed isn’t an enjoyable experience. I think it was the stumble that brought me back to reality. The rain had only grown thicker, and as such the stones beneath my hooves had become rather slick. I must have sidestepped one of them, but luckily I was able to catch myself before toppling to the ground. As I collected myself a notion arose from the battlefield of my mind. I was lost. Not only were my thoughts chasing themselves in circles, but the unsettling feeling of unfamiliarity crept through the rain. It was in the awnings that I didn’t quite recognize and the road that seemed just a bit narrower that what I was used to. I tried to discern anything above the roofs of the towering tenements beside me, but the rain masked anything I could use to get my bearings. That’s when I realized how cold I was. My powerful gait had plashed water onto my stomach, and the cloak I wore on my back had grown heavy with rain in the deluge. I pulled it closer, knowing full well that it would do little to keep me warm, but the protection it offered was vaguely comforting. There was something about the rain cloaked world around me that had sparked a sensation of imminent dread in my heart. To be honest, I was rather thankful for it as my mind was no longer fixated on warring with itself. However, fear is not a healthy state of mind when you’re trapped in the rain in an unfamiliar section of town. Even if you yourself are in no real danger, your mind can conjure up fears you never knew you had. That’s when I started looking for things I had only seen in my imagination. As I scooted beneath one of the nearby awnings and gave myself a good shake, I started to perceive things in rain. For a moment, as a sheet would dash across the road, I could see a figure standing in the distance, just outside of my reliable vision. A moment later, and it had disappeared like a ghost. I shook my head, trying to rid my mind of these apparitions of fear, but they refused to leave. Looking away made it grow far worse, for I could not watch where it might appear next. A loud crash tore through the rain. I jumped, probably higher than I ever had before, at the sound. It felt like I had been assaulted in a way, but as the noise subsided, I began to reflect inward once more. Something about the haunting street reminded me of myself. Fleeting images of thing I couldn’t discern floated by in the rain. I wanted a chance to make things whole again, to stop myself from falling in this endless cycle of confusion, but nothing was assured. “So that’s it,” I said to no pony in particular. “This is what I’m going to be.” I was speaking from the heart, trying to talk myself through the nonsense that had just happened. “You aren’t part of their world, and you never really will be. You’re different, so what? Difference doesn’t mean you’re better or worse, all it means in this world is that you aren’t allowed in. No earth pony has ever done what you’re doing, not because they couldn’t do it, but because the world wouldn’t let them. It’s not fair…” Tears began to stream from my eyes as I started to let go of the hope that I had fought so hard to hold onto. “So why even bother? Why go to such lengths to only find yourself crushed again?” I paused to look through the rain once more. “Why don’t you just do what you’re told?” My vision blurred once more as the tears returned. It was such a unique pain that ran through my body, one of true loss. I suppose the old adage rang true. Ignorance is bliss. At least I thought I was worthwhile as I toiled away in the lab. Now the curtain had been drawn back, and behind it was revealed the awful truth. “You’re nothing to them.” I think the words shocked the tears away. It felt like a burden had been lifted off my back, like I had finally revealed everything that I had once feared about my life and it wasn’t something to be afraid of at all. The hopelessness was still there, but something made it seem less repulsive than before. An overwhelming sense of apathy washed over me, and as the rain poured around me, I began to focus. My shaking slowed, my heart calmed, and my mind began to clear itself of its chaos. As everything came clearer, I found myself fixated into the grey void along the street. Initially I couldn’t make out anything distinct, but as the rain folded and whipped across the road, I noticed something in the center. Rather, I felt like I noticed it. I would catch its form every now and again in a window of rain. A drop of rain tapped my nose and pulled me free of my trance. I had started to lean precariously close to the edge of the awning’s protection. I carefully backpedaled toward the center of the road and shook the water from my face once more. “I guess I’ll wait then,” I mumbled as I glared at the sheets of rain. I started to follow them as they coursed through the road. It was the only thing I could do to pass the time, but as one disappeared into the haze, I saw the figure again. This time it was much more distinct, much larger. A few seconds of intent staring later, and I could make out its form. It was about the height of a pony, and as I watched it grow evermore distinct in the rain, a small streak of color peeked through the veil. “Amethyst?” I wasn’t sure what to do, so, like the idiot I was, I remained beneath the awning as the pony lumbered toward me. They took a few steps forward, paused, and looked to either side of themselves. I wasn’t sure what they were doing, but as they repeated the process, I could hear the faint sound of a familiar voice. It was Amethyst and as she started toward me once more, I realized she was looking for something, or rather, someone. “Starswirl!” Her voice called again. That’s when I finally snapped to my senses. I stumbled out into the rain and raced toward my friend. “I’m right here!” I called out as I came into earshot. “There you are!” She shouted through the deluge. “We were both worried sick!” She drew me into a deep embrace before I had a chance to react. And then, for several seconds, we stood there. I, for one, was rather confused at her reaction and immediately tried to pull away, but she pulled me tighter still. “Umm, Amethyst? There’s a… an awning over there.” “Ah,” she playfully growled, “A little rain never hurt anypony. I’m just happy you’re safe.” I wasn’t so easily swayed by her quip, and began slowly walking backwards toward the protection of the awning. When she finally did release me, she followed suit until we were clear of the torrent. She shook herself off and finally asked the question I had been dreading. “Why did you run off like that?” Immediately all of the concern and anguish that I had felt only moments ago flooded back into my mind. I wiped away a tear as I started to speak. “Do you know what it feels like to be used? To be told by the only pony that believed in you that you’re not worth it at all?” I drew in a staggering breath as I scrambled to pull myself together. “Do you know what it’s like to live in a world that, no matter how hard you try you can’t break free of the one thing that’s holding you back? I don’t think you would. You’re one of them, one of the unicorns, one of the ponies that will always start where my future ends. I shouldn’t be doing this, it’s all wrong! I’m living a lie, one that I’ve told myself to make me feel the odds are in my favor, but they’re not! I can’t do magic, I can’t even imagine what you and Evenstar can conjure up. I’m nothing, you’ve got everything, you’ve had it since birth! How do you think that makes me feel!?” By now tears were streaming down my cheeks and I was choking on my words. I tried to catch my breath, to reel myself in and continue my rant, but all I could do was let the emotion flow. I turned away. Amethyst was the last pony that I wanted to admit this to. She had always been kind, aside from the instance with the flying dictionary, and all I was doing now was shouting at her for being different. “I’m sorry.” I muttered. “You have everything you need to do whatever you want, I just… I don’t think I can keep doing this.” I turned to her once more, wiping the tears away as I tried to calm myself. That’s when I noticed her eyes. They weren’t angry, upset, or patronizing. Instead they were sorrowful. “Starswirl,” she started, “We don’t have everything.” She took a deep breath and blinked away tears of her own. “And I know exactly how you feel.” “How?” I whispered “How could you possibly know what it’s like to have everything you’ve ever wanted just out of your reach?” She looked to the ground and shook her head, much in the same way I had been doing throughout the past hour. Then, a moment later, she steeled herself and returned my gaze and paused. Just say it, I thought as I tried to search her stare for the answer. Tell me I’m right! Tell me that you’re sorry that I can’t be like you. I know it’s coming just get it over with! She drew her breath once more, leaned forward, and pressed her lips against my own. My eyes shot open as I felt her unbridled passion answer the question I had always wanted to know. My heart raced as a surge of pent up desire coursed through my body. I tried to speak, but only a hum vibrated through our lips. As she pulled away, I drew in a breath. “I…” I stammered, trying to cope with the swirling emotions that had captured my mind. She spoke once more as grateful tears filled the corners of her eyes. “But sometimes, we just have to try… No matter what anypony else says.”