The Note
Chapter 5. The Note
Slash heard a knock at the door. He paused eating his breakfast and getting ready for training.
"Who is it?" He yelled through the house.
"Hello Mr.Slash, its me Derpy!" called the grey mail mare. "I've got a letter for you!"
"Thank you Derpy, are you sure it's the right letter?" he asked.
"I'm sure this time!" and with that, the grey pegasus was on her way.
He unfolded the scroll which was floating in front of him. It said:
Dear Slash the Wonderbolt,
I can't get you out of my head, we must see each other again soon. I'll come to your house at precisely1:00PM
Lovingly,
Princess Dream Catcher
He looked at the clock. 12:30. He only had half an hour left! Slash finished breakfast and tidied the house for Dream Catcher.
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At first, I was nervous, thinking this would be poorly written or cliche. However, this pleasantly surprised me. While it is far from perfect, it has promise, and is fairly interesting. 2 suggestions: one, make it longer.Combine some chapters, and develope the characters more. Don't go for the cliche "I'm in love with you after 3 minutes thing. Add doubt, confusion, and guilt to each of their emotions. Slow down, and this story will be excellent. Two, fix your grammar. Some run-on sentences and misplaced commas add to the confusion.
Good luck! This is a good story so far.
583958 Thank you for your advice! I really appreciate this because I've never written a story before
585081no problem. It's really good for a first attempt, and I'll be waiting for more
585081
You are right but don't forget these:"Hello Mr.Slash, its me Derpy!" called the purple male mare.Derpy is grey not purple and it looks like you are saying derpy is a male and a female I think you ment mail not male
586493 Thank you for making me aware of this! I overlook things like that quite often.
586676
Happy to hell and I don't care it was funny
TORI U MUST WRITE MORE! lol