X: I'd Like to Be Eaten By a Tree...
"And, like, it wasn't bad enough that she and her obnoxious little friends shot spitballs all over my tail. Did you hear that weak excuse she gave Miss Cheerilee? 'Ah just couldn't help eht!' I mean, does that blank flank have any self-control at all?!"
"I know! She's such a foal. And now that her big sister's won the Running of the Leaves, you know we'll never hear the end of it."
I twitch and start to roll over. What’s going on? Where am I?
"Totally! Now they want to be 'Cutie Mark Crusader track runners'. Like, isn't that the lamest thing you've ever heard?"
"Lamest ever. I wish they would hurry up and get their cutie marks already."
Now I remember…it’s Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. But Diamond wasn’t supposed to come back until morning, and…dear god. I’m lying in Silver’s bed. Was I here all night long?
Diamond snickers. "Fat chance, Sil. Even if they do, I bet all the good talents are already taken."
"I know. But maybe we just see it that way 'cause we're so totally special!”
"I know, right?!"
"No wonder we got our marks early."
"So true!"
"Totally!"
Then, in unison: "Bump, bump, sugar lump rump!" And a smacking noise.
...The hell? Never mind. I don't want to know.
"Except that making new bits might be, like, a little more important than sitting on old ones."
"I don't know, Diamond. If you can't take care of money and antiques from the past, how can you appreciate the money you make now? That's what my mom said the other day."
My head starts to hurt as they launch into a friendly debate about which kind of wealth is better. I couldn't make this stuff up. Finally I have to cut them off.
“What time is it?” I call out. I try to sit up, but I just get tangled in the heavy sheets. I hear a swish of fabric as the bed curtains are pulled open.
“It’s like eleven o’clock, you weirdo,” Diamond says derisively. “An all-night tutoring session?! Your grades must be awful.”
“She’s not really a regular student,” Silver giggles.
“No kidding. Regular students don’t go around trying to look like Snowdrop,” Diamond titters. “You stink, too. I’ll go run a bath.”
Failing to think of a reply that wouldn’t scar the little snot for life and hurt her friend’s feelings, I just stick my tongue out at her and wait for her hoofsteps to fade down the hallway.
“She’s gone, Faux-drop.”
“I know that, Spoonbutt. Didn’t Rainbow Dash come over to pick me up last night?”
“Yeah, but the servants told her to let you sleep. Now hold still. You’re totally messing up my antique bed.” She pulls the sheets off of me.
I slide gingerly off the mattress and onto the carpet. “Speaking of the tutoring, did all that stuff really…”
“Hey! Like, what did we say about that?”
“That we would never speak of it again,” I concede. I reach into my mane and give her my smokes. “Hold on to these until I’m done washing up, okay?”
“What do I look like, the help?”
I point to my eyes. “Of course not. I don’t know what you look like.”
Silver gasps. “I totally forgot! Like, you poor thing!”
“Hey, I’m not looking for sympathy just because I’m--”
“Everypony should be able to know what I look like! That's so not right. I guess I'll just have to tell you."
"You really don't have to--"
"Okay, so my coat is like silver, but I guess it's like gray too, or it's kind of like both, so you could totally call it silver-gray. My mane and tail are sorta like that too, except lighter, so they're not so much silver-gray as silver and gray, you know? And I wear my mane in like this totally cute braid that no other filly in town has because no other filly is as cool as I am except Diamond, and braids are like, not her style or whatever. My eyes are violet; I get that from my dad, and I wear these really cool glasses that are, like, blue, and they're modeled directly on...hey, where are you going? What about my necklace? And my house! I didn't tell you what my house looks like!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know Rarity, you didn't have to come along," I say as we finally escape from the Silver family mansion. I don't really care, but I'm talking to distract myself from the chill. I swear the temperature has dropped 30 degrees from yesterday.
"I know, dear, but it's really no trouble at all."
"Rainbow Dash could have picked me up by herself," I turn and wink at the brash pegasus walking on my other side. "Or could you? Am I getting fat, Rainbow? Level with me."
Dash gives her usual raucous laugh. "Oh, I wouldn't say you're getting fat. It's more like...what does A.K. Yearling call it? Past tense."
"Jerk."
"Brat."
I turn my attention back to the fashion nut. "Anyway, what gives? Don't you have dresses to make?"
"A successful designer like myself must never get so wrapped up in her work that she fails to help a friend in need."
"Or shoot the breeze with wealthy clients? I know Spoonbutt's family is loaded."
"Oh, darling!" she tries to sound shocked. "Surely you wouldn't suspect me of such...such--"
"Business acumen?"
"Touche, dear," Rarity says grudgingly.
"Don't call me dear. Dash calling me 'kid' is bad enough."
Rarity pauses as if she's going to apologize, but then she giggles and lets out a wistful sigh. "Oh, Rainbow Dash. Isn't it simply adorable how dear little fillies long to be grown up?"
Another guffaw from Dash. "Oh, yeah. Kids, huh?"
"I'm 37, dammit!" I grumble. But I'm not really mad, because I know we're just playing--something Rarity wouldn't do with a real kid. Maybe she gets it, too.
We trot back across town to the library. Twilight throws the door open so hard that I feel the wind on my face.
“Jay! We had no idea you were going to take this long. What happened? I wanted to come over and help, but Spike promised me it wouldn’t be necessary.”
“Let’s just say I pulled an all-nighter,” I grumble, and slouch my way inside.
“What an interesting turn of phrase, Mr. Jay,” another voice announces grimly from the center of the library. “We thought We would need to pull an ‘all-dayer’.”
I freeze. Every meeting with Luna seems destined to be an “oh shit” moment.
“Princess Luna has been waiting for you here since she lowered the moon this morning,” Twilight explains delicately. “I had to explain to her that your education was very important to our success.”
“Sorry about the delay, your highness,” I say. “But Cheerilee and I had to make some last-minute arrangements for more studying. We found your notes a little bit hard to digest. Or should I say, digesteth?”
“Ah. Yes, well,” Luna coughs. She actually sounds guilty for a moment. “Under the circumstances, We see fit to pardon thee for making Us wait.”
“That’s what I thought.”
“But take not for granted the mercy of the Princess...of the Night!” she bellows loud enough to change my manestyle.
My voice is even meeker and squeakier than usual. "...Sure thing."
"Now then. Twilight Sparkle and her friends have undertaken this journey once before, when they defeated Us as Nightmare Moon. Our sister has allowed them to use the same magical weapons they discovered on that occasion: the Elements of Harmony. Are they secure, Twilight?"
"Yes, Your Highness!" Twilight chirps, and an aura strong enough to rattle my whole body resonates briefly through Golden Oak Library.
"Jesus," I mutter. "Isn't that a little extreme? It sounded like a pretty simple trip to me."
I cast a questioning look around the room, trying to figure out the sudden silence. Not even Rainbow says anything.
"Well, isn't it?"
"No, sugar, it's not," Applejack says firmly. "There's no such thing as a simple trip into the Everfree Forest. Not even when Granny Smith was a young'un, and it's done nothin' but get bigger since then. Ain't no fruit on those trees, at least not the kind anypony would want to eat. As for getting through 'em, well..."
"Let's just say there's no such thing as an accurate map of the Everfree Forest, either," Twilight chimes in. "I've tried to chart one on multiple occasions, but the roads seem to change every time no matter how careful I am! Maybe the rumors are true and it was cultivated by Discord a thousand years ago."
"Truly, it would not surprise me, Twilight," Luna agrees. I. No royal We and “eth” stuff for Twi and her friends, I notice.
I'm no expert, but I've learned enough about Discord that the thought of strolling into any place he had a hand (or claw, or paw) in makes me nervous. "Can't we just fly over it?"
"Um..." Finally Rainbow Dash says something. "No."
"Uh-uh." That's Fluttershy.
"Why not?!"
"Kid, I don't want any part of the other things that fly over that forest, and neither do you. The animals in there aren't the kind that nibble on carrots and hang out at Fluttershy's."
Fluttershy agrees. "That's true, but I think most of them are very misunderstood. If we just talk to them and convince them that we mean no harm..."
"...Then we can beat them in a pie-eating contest once and for all!" Pinkie interrupts with fierce determination. Everyone else stops, probably to stare at her. I settle for staring in her general direction.
"Um, I was going to say we can probably get through safely," Fluttershy finishes. "But that's okay, too...I guess."
I'm still not crazy about this plan. "Can we at least go around the Everfreak or whatever it's called? Or part of it? Seems like it would save a lot of trouble."
Luna is firm. "For us, perhaps. But not, I fear, for the other ponies in Equestria. T'would take most ponies a week to circumvent the Forest and approach the castle from the east or west. And those areas are still more perilous. Time is of the essence."
"You've all noticed how cold it is here just a day after the Running of the Leaves," Twilight adds. "Equestria's atmosphere is already becoming unstable."
I turn toward Rainbow.
"She's right, kid. The Weather Team can't keep up with it much longer. It's like we can't control the snow clouds anymore. For every one we get rid of, two more pop up."
"We fear that Starswirl's prophecy was correct, Mr. Jay," Luna concludes. "Art thou prepared for this journey?"
I feel them all looking at me. Gulp. I shuffle my hooves and try to put a brave face on. "Under the circumstances, I'm as ready as I'm gonna be. Let's get out there."
There's a loud thumping noise. Luna must have stamped the floor with excitement. "Very well, then! The journey begins! Depart for the Forest without delay. We shall rendezvous with thee at the appropriate time. The Princess of the Night...hath but a single task to perform first!!"
The windows rattle with the force of her voice. Thunder rumbles outside from her magical energy. Oh Lord, now what is she gonna do?!
"...Get some royal shut-eye."
Plop. Zzzzzzzz.
I roll my eyes. "I'm guessing leadership by example isn't a big thing here."
"We all need our beauty sleep," says Rarity. "She's had a long day. Or night, I suppose."
There's a general buzz of activity as the other six ponies make their final preparations. Twilight is gently lecturing Dash on the "right way" to pack a saddlebag. Pinkie is telling a half-listening Rarity that 'Snowdrop' sounds like a kind of candy. Fluttershy is asking Applejack to let her talk to any monsters we run into instead of lassoing them. I'm pacing back and forth, trying to focus on anything but the Everfree and Luna's snoring, when something sharp pokes me in the back.
"Ow!"
"Sorry. that was me. Can I talk to you for a second before you go?"
"Sure. What's up, Spike?"
"...Let's go over here, by the stairs."
I follow him slowly so I won't step on his tail. Not that it wouldn't be a fitting end to my stay; everything else has gone wrong.
"Twilight needs me to look after the library while you're gone, so, um...this might be it."
"Yeah, it might."
"I just wanted to say thanks. You know, for...everything."
I nudge him with my hoof. "Hey, you helped me out too. Don't mention it."
"Remember when I said I wished I were you? Well, it might sound crazy. But I still do."
I shake my head in disbelief. "Why?"
"Because you've got everything right in front of you," Spike continues quietly. "A chance to do something really important. You know when you have to do it, and you're going to have help. No fuss, no muss. In a few days you'll be done and back in your own world."
"I hope."
"With me? I'm not that lucky. Everything's complicated. I mean, yeah, I've got my whole life to grow a hundred strides tall and collect the most gems of any dragon in Equestria, but when am I gonna get there? I dunno. Do I want to get there?" I hear the tiny crunch of his claws on the wooden floor. "I don't even know if I want to leave Ponyville. Everyone is great here, Twilight most of all." He lets out his breath. I know what's coming next. "And...Rarity."
I nod. "But you'll have to leave someday, won't you? Before you get too...big?"
"Like I said. It's complicated. But, not for you. For you it's real simple. Just go out there and do what you have to do."
He grabs my hoof and shakes it awkwardly. Then he sort of wanders upstairs. I don't follow him. I'm thinking.
I hate to admit it, but maybe the kid is on to something. The only dream I ever had to was to go pro and play in a Super Bowl. It never came true, and I really didn't know what to do with myself after that. Without a goal, you have no direction. I wasn't surprised when Beth left me.
And now, due to Equestria's poor planning and my own lack of alternatives, I have a purpose again.
"I'm still gonna complain a lot, though!" I yell up the stairs.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm starting to understand something else. Weird magical powers and ridiculous optimism may have allowed the ponies to cobble their society together, but their world is still a dangerous place to live, and the distance between civilization and the wild can be a single step.
I don’t have to see the Forest to know I’m standing right at the edge. It feels different. I hear nothing in front of me; no birds singing, no bunnies scampering innocently through bushes. The air feels warm and heavy, even though the rest of Equestria is freaking cold. And I have an itchy feeling between my shoulders, like I’m being watched.
All of that is just a step away. One that my small but capable body just can't seem to take at the moment. This could be because I'm scared shitless--I mean, I'm willing to entertain the possibility--but I choose to believe I'm coming down with something.
I cough a few times. "Ugh. I mean it. I'm, uh, not feeling very well all of a sudden."
"Oh yeah, I've heard of that disease," Rainbow Dash nudges me playfully in the side. "I think it's called 'cold hooves'."
"You can do it! Hurry up, Snowpoke!" Pinkie calls out.
"Good one, Pinkie," I say stiffly.
“Thanks! No, wait—Slowdrop! That’s even better!”
“Pinkie Pie…” Twilight mildly scolds her.
Did somepony just giggle like a filly? I could’ve sworn I heard it. Whatever. I don’t care who it was. I take a deep breath and step forward. The unpleasant warmth of the Forest seems to swallow me. My senses are on high alert, ready to warn me of anything that even smells dangerous. But I’m in.
“There,” I gesture at the other ponies and shrug. “I did it.”
“Like a boss, kid,” Rainbow chuckles as they follow me in. But she leans down to mutter in my ear. “We’ll be right here, every step. Anything that wants to get to you will have to go through us. And one of us is me, so that’s not gonna happen.”
I nod. That actually makes me feel a lot better.
“I’m on your left. Pinkie’s on your right, Twi and Rarity are in front, and Fluttershy and A.J. are behind us. Let’s do it to it.”
We walk into the Everfree together. Rainbow nudges me once in a while so I stay on the path, but mostly I’m able to follow the sound of Twi and Rarity’s hooves. Twilight acts like a tour guide describing everything we pass by for my benefit: oddly shaped trees, creeping vines, and a plant called poison joke (“don’t ever step in it,” Rainbow warns me).
"Applejack?" Close behind us, Fluttershy seems almost annoyed. "Are you sure the cart is supposed to be this heavy?"
"I think so," A.J. doesn't sound tired at all. The cart holds most of our supplies, and two ponies have to pull it at once. They volunteered to go first. "We got all the extra apples out of it, too. See?"
There's a loud crash like she just kicked the cart, then a noise that sounds suspiciously like fifty or so apples thumping onto the ground.
Fluttershy's silence says it all.
Embarrassed A.J. is embarrassed. "Oops. Now what in tarnation...I told Apple Bloom to clear those out of the cart this mornin'!"
My ears twitch. I lean forward suspiciously. What's that noise?
"Everyone! Stop talking for a second."
"What's wrong?" Pinkie asks.
"I thought I heard something out there."
"Really? What was it?!" The party pony exclaims. "A manticore roaring? A fruit bat squealing? A cake baking?"
Twilight is skeptical. "Pinkie, how can you hear a cake baking?"
"That's easy, silly! It sounds kinda like this: pffffffffuuuuuhhhhhhh. Then it stops being a pffffffffuuuuuhhhhhhh and turns into kind of a fffffffsssssss. That's how I know when it's done! But it depends on the oven too. A cake that goes pffffffffuuuuuhhhhhhh and fffffffsssssss at Sugarcube Corner might go krrrrrrssssshhhhhh at Sweet Apple Acres!"
I let out a growl of frustration. "If you guys would let me concentrate for a moment, I'll tell you what the damn noise is!"
"Omigosh! Doesn't it just drive you crazy when ponies won't let you concentrate?" Pinkie babbles innocently. "Like one time I was trying to remember Mrs. Cake's recipe for blackberry tarts, but this one pony walked in and asked me if we sold oatmeal because it was his favorite dessert! And then I said--mmmmmf. Mmmmphhhlll! Mm-hm..."
"I've got her, Jay," Rainbow says.
"Thank you," I sigh and listen again.
The sound is still out there. It's like several shrill, squeaky tones all jabbering and cackling at once. I shudder to think what kind of monster that could be.
I point straight ahead. "I think it's over that way. Something really weird...maybe a voice?"
"We'll go take a look then, sugarcube," Applejack says reassuringly. "Hop up in the cart here behind the rest of us. I don't think we'll run into anything dangerous this close to the edge, but you never know."
The noise gets louder as we continue down the path. My heart starts to pound and I resist the urge to hide in the blankets covering our supplies. I hope Twi and Co. are good shots with those Elements of Harmony, because whatever it is sounds pretty nasty.
"There's a small clearing up ahead," Twilight whispers back. "We're almost there."
Beneath the ungodly din, I hear a clicking noise slightly to my left. I realize it's Applejack's teeth chattering.
We're almost on top of it. I stare blankly ahead, part of me wishing I could see and the other part grateful that I can't.
"Blablabla yaddayaddayaddayousaid buhbuhbuhneveryoumindwhatIsaid durdurdurnoshe'sright blablablacutiemarks..."
"Three...two...one..." Twilight counts down. "Now!"
A rush of hooves and a rattling from the cart's wheels as we jump out into the clearing.
"All right, whatever you are! Show yourself!"
A pause, and then...
"Twilight!!!" The one voice separates into three familiar, but no less scary, ones. "...Applejack." … "Rarity?!" … "R-Rainbow Dash!"
"My bad," I groan. "It's not a dangerous lunatic. It's just a three-headed monster."
I could swear I feel something twitch next to me as the cart lurches to a stop. Must be more apples under those blankets.
"Sweetie Belle!" Rarity cries. "What on earth are you and your friends doing out here?"
"And...what are you doing to that tree?" Dash sounds like she's about to burst out laughing.
"We're huggin' it, of course!" Apple Bloom cries, as though it makes all the sense in the world.
"Um...why?"
"Cutie Mark Crusader tree huggers, hooray!" the foals shout in unison.
“NOT in the Everfree Forest,” A.J. says firmly.
“But big sis, we already tried the trees at home!” … “We didn’t get our cutie marks, though. Maybe they’re broken or something.” … “So now we’re trying other trees!”
The farmpony is in no-bullshit mode. “I don’t want to hear it, Apple Bloom. We’ve got an important job to do out here and we can’t have you and your friends gallivantin’ around and yellin’ about cutie marks.”
Rarity agrees. “Applejack is quite right, Sweetie. I know how important your cutie mark is to you, but this is simply no place for children! Now let go of that awful tree and go home at once.”
“I’ll take them,” Fluttershy offers. “Come on, girls. There’s no telling when the weather might turn bad. Maybe you can get your cutie marks in safety instead.”
“But that’s so boring,” Scootaloo groans. She seems to notice me. “Hey! You’re that weird filly we keep seeing around Ponyville. Why are you hanging out with Rainbow Dash so much anyway?!”
“I’m her long-lost little sister, what does it look like?” I snap, climbing out of the cart and walking up to them. “Now leave us alone to celebrate our reunion.”
Scootaloo flips out. “What?! No way! I wanted to be her little sister! That’s so not fair. You can’t even watch her do tricks! Rainbow Dash, it’s not true, is it?! Rainbow Dash!”
“Go ahead, Dash. Tell her all about it.”
“RRRRRROOOOOO-AAAAAAWWWWWGGGGGGHHHHRRR.”
“Well put. By the way, you need a lozenge or something?”
Rainbow taps me on the shoulder from the opposite direction. “Um…Jay? That wasn’t me.”
Another bizarre howl drifts through the air. It hurts my ears and reverberates through my whole body, down to my hooves and into the ground. Or is it coming from the earth itself?
A chill runs down my back. “Well, whichever one of you is doing that, you can stop now.”
I hear a noise like a thousand old twigs snapping at once. Kind of like what a tree would sound like if it could growl.
“Jay…” Fluttershy sounds terrified. “The tree is…it’s turning into a…”
“A...giant...TIMBER WOLF!” Rainbow Dash yelps.
I force a laugh. “Oh. Timber wolf, I get it. 'Cause it sounds like a tree. Very funny. But seriously, can we get moving here?”
Even Applejack sounds afraid now. “Apple Bloom! Sweetie! Scootaloo! Don't move!”
The fillies start screaming amidst the creaking and cracking of old wood. Hot, stinking breath ruffles my mane. I turn around slowly, not that it makes much difference.
Damn environmentalists. Somehow, this is all their fault.
Hooray, this story's still alive! But how much longer will Jay be? 
Jay's Cigarette Count: 10
Chance of Jay Being Killed Before He Finishes the Pack: Likely
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Really. Tree huggers. The CMC must be getting desperate.
5963067 Your user picture goes with your comment perfectly.
Never trust trees.
-Luna getting sleep after a loud speech made me lol.
-Pinkie, you're being like, totally random here. You need to stop that nonsense, or I'll totally whack you with this antique...I mean, plastic mallet or whatever. (Oops. I'm starting to sound like Silver Spoon.)
-You had me going there with the CMC and their desperate attempts at trying to get their cutie marks.
-Uh-oh! Giant Timber Wolf alert! Get ready, everyone!
I would love to see how the mane six and Jay will deal with the giant Timber Wolf. It's boss fight number one time!
5963247
The CMC give a tree a hug, it turns into a Timberwolf!
Honesty, at this rate they will become Discord appendices.
Use the cigarettes and burn it to the ground
God damn tree hugging hippies. GET A CUTIE MARK!
Hurray for updates! I am actually hoping "Snowdrop" stays in Equestria. and has even more (mis)adventures
"Is thee prepared for this journey?" should be "Art thou prepared for this journey?"
In Everfree Forest, tree hug you!
5963837 Thanks. ^^
This chapter was like pulling a tooth. Not the beginning or the middle, the ending. I just couldn't figure out how to finish it. Then it hit me: giant timber wolf.
Now how are they going to deal with it?
What happens in Silver Spoon's House, stays in Silver Spoon's House.
5964424 fluttershy going all stare on the timberwolf and them getting a guide would be nice
5964453 agreed and wat the hay a braile dark magic book hrmmm i wonder if snowdrop owned it
And now this story going into my favorites.
5963130 If I got a dollar for everytime someone told me that, I'd have five dollars.
5964485
i have no idea what are you talking about.
5965045 the tutoring chapter they summond something from a book ment for the blind
i needed that.
5965169
Still no idea. We were never there.
5965471 secound from last chapter
5965537
i'm Just messing with you... I know what happened :)
5965581 yup so i wonder if snowdrop was a dark magic pony
5965862
she is actually a demon from another dimensión and will kill them all
5966019 dammit she ripped me off i thought i was the only demon pegasi besides my sisters
5966024
Be careful with those demon hunters out there
5966166 they should be careful of me heck i swim in lava for a nice swim
Man, I missed your updates. You have a unique sense of humor, you know that? Combined with the suspenseful (dammit cliffhangers) plot and accurate (!) characterizations of Mane Six, it makes a reaaaaly amazing story. No idea why it has so few upvotes — I mean, less than a thousand, wha? You deserve moar.
I wonder if Jay's new friends will become significant here~
5966175 I swim through stone!!
"glasses"
Was anyone else reminded of Mr. Satan here?...
5963837
Unless Luna’s really a Quaker—that’s perfect plain speech.
Ha, Luna a Quaker…
"Bump, bump, sugar lump, rump"
I- a- uh- wha- img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130518155106/rvb/images/c/cf/Fuck-this-Im-so-done-mary-poppins.png
Equestria Will be doomed in a week or so unless you go on this mission like right now.
Oh and btw you need some basic education in equestrian history cus reasons.
Thats some wonky priorities right there.
Release the Kraken!!!