XIV: The Good, the Bad, and the Bugly
For just a few moments, all in a blur, there’s this light shining right in my face. After days of seeing nothing at all, it’s like looking straight into the sun.
“Aw, shit!” I rasp as I cringe away from it. “Christ on a cracker, Silver. Get that goddamn light outta here. You trying to make me go…blind?”
Cue the double take. I can see again. And my real voice is back. How did that happen?
I’m grateful when a tall dark shape suddenly leans over me; at least it’s easier on my eyes. Then come more shapes, and voices chattering all at once. One rises briefly above the others: a voice I would recognize in any body, any world. And it’s saying my name.
“Beth?” I mumble.
Then it’s gone.
I’m blind again. I’m lightheaded and dizzy. My legs ache—all four of them. Now it all comes back to me. The last thing I remember is hard, spindly footsteps echoing from every possible direction, somepony screaming, and running, running, running…
“Where am I?”
There’s a slight rattling, like many bodies shifting, standing at attention. Wherever I am, I am definitely not alone.
“S-still in the Lost Havens, Jay,” It’s Silver Spoon. Her voice is quiet and shaky. If I didn’t know better I’d say the smartest, most jaded foal in Ponyville was scared stiff. “Th-they…caught us. You fainted.”
That reminds me. Imagine, if you will, a huge-ass network of caves. Caves that were hammered into a crude living space by two nutty pony princesses, to hide from an even nuttier lord of chaos. Caves that you are lost in with no compass, map, or smartphone.
Now imagine that, while wandering these caves, you find yourself captured by hundreds of thin, buzzing, angry-sounding…things. And that you are blind as a bat, with only one spoiled filly to protect you. What a way to spend an afternoon. I thought I was used to not seeing, but it’s a whole different bag when someone or something with sight is after you. Hunting you. All they have to do is turn their head to know exactly where you are. No wonder we were captured so easily.
“What are they?” I ask Silver. Too bad it’s not Silver who answers.
“An excellent question, young pony,” says a voice behind me. It’s not like anything I’ve heard in Equestria. It’s cold and harsh and proud. It’s a leader’s voice, sort of like Celestia or Luna’s, but different. Celestia and Luna represent many. This voice IS many. “What are we, indeed?”
I turn around, though there’s really no point. I can’t see this thing or her followers, and for once, that’s just fine with me.
“We have many names. Shifters. Hivelings. Before we came to Equestria, they called us plaguewings. Like a disease! How cruel,” the thing exclaims with a sigh. She’s closer now, and my flesh starts to crawl. “If we are cut, do we not bleed? Well…now that I think about it, we don’t. We have exoskeletons. But you get the point, I believe.”
“Um…yeah,” I squeak.
“You may call us changelings,” the voice continues. “And I am Chrysalis, their queen. Either name suffices, for when you speak to one, you speak to all. Isn’t that right, my children?”
Cackling and hissing noises echo everywhere. I cover my ears and wince. Changelings…Twilight talked about those. So did Luna. I don’t remember exactly what they said, but I know none of it was good.
“What do you want with us?”
The voice laughs, an unearthly sound that really gives me the willies. “Really? I should think even the dullest foal in Equestria would know the answer to that. You look as if you know, silver one…why don’t you tell your friend?”
“We’re not friends,” Spoonbutt and I both protest, forgetting our mutual terror for a second.
“Whatever!” The thing called Chrysalis is not amused.
“They…they want our love, Jay. That’s what they do. They feed on a pony’s emotions until…there’s n-nothing left.”
My blood freezes. I don’t know what the hell that really means, and I don’t want to find out either.
“Love?” I squeak, backing away as hundreds of insectoid hooves rattle closer and closer to us. “Come on, guys…give us a break here. She’s a spoiled heiress, I’m a divorced assistant football coach. How much love do you think you can squeeze out of that? Really, um...you guys deserve a better meal than us."
“How kind of you to be concerned for our welfare,” Chrysalis says mockingly. “But changelings are not picky by nature, and I’m afraid you are the first prey we have found in some time. Our…setback…in Canterlot forced us to retreat underground, where we were trapped by this cursed snow for weeks on end. We most assuredly will take what we can get.”
More rattling. I back off again and bump into something warm and furry which can only be Silver. They must have us surrounded. They’re buzzing, murmuring hungrily.
So…I’m about to have all the love sucked out of me. I wonder what that feels like. Oh, well. It probably won’t make much difference anyway. I’m not the most sentimental guy. The only one I ever really cared about, at least before I came here, was…
Beth. I swear I heard your voice just now. You’re still out there somewhere, aren’t you?
Dammit. I did love her. It’s over now, but the memories keep me going. I won’t let these freaks take that away from me.
“We have to get out of here,” I whisper to Silver.
“How?” She sniffles.
“You’re the stuck-up nerd here. Think of something!”
“You’re like 97 years old! You think of something, loser! I haven’t even had my morning coffee!”
“You can take your goddamn coffee and…” Wait. That’s it! “…Silver, you freakin’ genius.”
“What are you talking ab—MMMPPPHH!”
I pull the antique metal container out of her saddlebag, pop the top off, and dump the entire ration of Mrs. Spoon’s raw emergency brew right into her ornery little muzzle.
It doesn’t take long. First come the shakes. I feel her body trembling next to mine, faster and faster until she’s practically vibrating. “C-c-c-c-o-o-o-o-o-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-E-E-E-E-E-EEEEEEEEEEEEE…”
“Is this some obscure pony ritual?” Chrysalis sounds bored. She won’t be for long.
“SILENCE!” Silver Spoon’s shriek echoes through the halls.
I hear several Changelings hiss and skitter away from us, and I hold my breath. This is just what I hoped (and feared) would happen. I don’t care where these critters came from or how many ponies they’ve drained; nothing could prepare them for Silver Spoon on caffeine.
“There is only one true ruler in the Lost Havens! My ultimate form has been revealed. I am the most stupendous incredible ponyriffic pony in all ponydom, second only to Diamond Tiara the Magnificent…” Silver suddenly jumps on my back, balancing on two hooves. “I am Silvestra the 27th Spoon, of the pernicious pearls and spectacular spectacles! I am the slayer of the blank flanks! I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN!”
“I think you mean the pony queen,” I say helpfully.
“Quiet, slave number one! All of you totally gross bug thingies shall be slaves number two through two hundred thirty-nine. Bow down to me and polish my silverware or you shall all be vanquished! And someone bring me more coffee!”
“I tire of this,” Chrysalis snarls. “Get her!”
Damn. I was hoping we could startle them and escape in the chaos, but it looks like we’ll have to fight our way out.
“Your Highness!” I yell. “They’re going to scuff up your antique waterproof jewelry box!”
“DIE!” Silvestra dives off of my back, and I hear the screeching and crunching of a few dozen Changelings getting their asses kicked by a filly.
“You nincompoops! Hold on to her!” Chrysalis rages. A hard, cold appendage lifts me off the floor, and I realize she’s got me. “I shall warn you only once, blue filly. Call off your mad friend or suffer extremely painful consequences!”
I have only one way to defend myself. Turning in the direction of that creepy voice, I brandish the cutest, most pitiful, most Snowdroppy expression I can.
“Please,” I whimper in that saccharine little-girl voice, “I’m blind and helpless and adorable. Don’t hurt me…”
“Ha! You think you will receive sympathy from a heartless being such as myself?! You must be…ugh…stop that at once. Stop staring at me!”
“Pleeeeeeeease?”
“No! W-what are you doing to me?!” the queen groans. “I can’t take it…the cuteness…HNNNNNNGGGGH!”
“Ha! You see? I’m so cute, you have to do what I say! Now let me go, sucker.”
“…Let you go? Oh no, darling. Quite the contrary. I see now that you will be a far tastier morsel than I ever anticipated. Instead of draining ALL your love…I shall keep you as my own personal snack for the rest of your life!! Mmmmm...so hungry..."
Shit. Well, that backfired.
I gasp as a magical field surrounds me. It tingles just like Twilight or Rarity’s magic, but it feels wrong somehow, and the nausea is way worse. It’s probing me, invading my mind, searching out every good feeling I’ve ever had and...
“Release Our friend, foul parasite! By order of the Princess of the Night!”
The bad magic falters, and I take a bruising fall to the chamber floor. I don’t even care. The cavalry has arrived—the horses, at least.
“Good timing, Princess Loony,” I raise one hoof in a wave.
Something warm and feathery descends over my back. “You okay, kid?”
Rainbow. I just nod, holding on to her as she flies me out of harm’s way.
“Chrysalis!” That’s Twilight’s voice. “You’re going to pay for this!”
The mad queen sounds surprised, but not intimidated. “Well, well. If it isn’t the sister of the Princess I defeated in battle! And Twilight Sparkle, whose brother I know SO well."
“Twilight has a brother?” I whisper to Rainbow.
“Long story, Jay. Stay here with Fluttershy. We’re about to go kick some flank!”
“Welcome one and all to our humble abode,” Chrysalis continues. “You’ve arrived just in time for dinner. And you and your extremely tiresome friends shall be the main course! Attack, my children!”
Luna doesn’t hesitate. “Come, Elements! We fight for the future of all Equestria! And cake!”
“And COFFEE!” Spoonbutt chimes in.
“COFFEE CAKE! WOO-HOO!” screams Pinkie Pie.
My world is a crazy place. It has been for a long time and it will be until we’re all gone, because humans are crazy. When you’re a kid, grownups tell you to follow the golden rule (even though they don’t) and not to judge others (even though they do) because everyone is basically good except for just a few bad apples—killers, animal abusers, Packer fans and such—who are pure evil. I say that’s bull. All people, everywhere, are nuts.
Equestria is different. I think almost everyone is basically good here and the insanity, the bad stuff, isn't all spread out like it is on Earth. It's concentrated in certain places, certain ponies. And if you happen to bump into one of those sources of evil—like a race of mind-leeches whose only good feelings are the ones they sucked out of somepony else—you turn around and gallop like hell.
Unless you're an alicorn princess, an over-caffeinated brat, or one of six incredibly brave mares who hold the Elements of Harmony.
I almost don't care that I can't see the bare-hoof, no-holds-barred FIGHT that breaks out at that moment. I got in plenty of scraps as a kid back on Earth, but this is one of the wildest things I've ever heard, felt, or smelled (bathing is not high up on the Changelings' to-do list).
Being near Luna’s magic is like standing on the end of a giant tuning fork. That power rattles every bone in your body, and judging from the clamor of exoskeletons smashing against the walls and the floor, its effect on enemies is even greater. But the “normal” ponies don’t fare too badly themselves. I hear a defiant “take this, you rascals!” and A.J. must be doing to the changelings what she does to apple trees, because several of them clatter so far across the floor they knock me over.
“Oh my! Come here, I’ll get you a safe distance away.” Fluttershy’s maternal instincts take over as she tries to guide me away from the action.
“Not a chance, sister!” I whoop, which sounds very weird in Snowdrop’s voice, and scramble to get all my hooves underneath me again. “I’m not missing one second of this!”
“But it’s really very dangerous here, and…Jay, look out!”
“I can’t look out. I’m blind!” Something hisses furiously into my face and ruffles my mane. “Okay, okay, I’ll come with you. Geez. You’ve got some gnarly morning breath, you know that?”
“Jay…that isn’t me.” Fluttershy wheezes in terror.
The changeling directly in front of me buzzes hungrily. For a brief and terrible moment I wonder if this is the end, but nothing happens, and I realize the thing has gone dead silent. It’s not even moving.
“What the hell happened?”
“I…I used the Stare on him! But only because he left me no choice. I hope he’ll be all right.”
“Thanks. Compared to all his friends, I’d say he’s getting off lucky.”
Rainbow Dash calls out to us nearby. “Good one, Fluttershy, but this is how it’s done! Eat this, lovesuckers!” I don’t know what the hell she does but the wind is so strong it sends us both reeling back, and a fresh round of carapaces cracks the ceiling. “AW, YEAH! Seven at once, baby! Beat that! I’m so awwwwwe-some, I’m so awwwwwe-some…”
“This isn’t a competition, Rainbow! We’re fighting for our lives!” Twilight Sparkle protests from the front lines of the battle.
“Duh, Twi! So why not make it fun?!” Dash laughs, and I’m reminded yet again why I love that girl. If she’s not the toughest thing that ever had the word rainbow in her name, then I’m a Timberwolf.
“COFFEE CAKE AND FUN!” cheers Pinkie between deafening blasts of…is that a freaking cannon?! I strain my ears for Rarity, and way on the other side of the room a shriek of “how dare you dishevel my mane?! I’ll tear you to pieces!” tells me she’s holding up just fine.
Something smaller and softer than a changeling staggers up and collapses next to me. “Hey Faux-drop…do you have…any more coffee?”
I have to smile at that. “It’s all gone, Spoonbutt. But I think our friends can take it from here.”
“Friends…yes. More slaves…for the Silvestrian Empire. I’m so sleepy.”
“Yes, Your Obnoxiousness. We shall take you to your royal chambers immediately,” I wave Fluttershy over. Together we carry the exhausted foal to the back of the room and wrap her up in my cloak.
"You cannot hope to stop us, Luna!" Chrysalis shouts, and even in that giant room I doubt there's a single pony or changeling who can't hear. "You are as useless now as you were when we invaded your precious kingdom! Or should I say, Celestia's kingdom, which she now merely tolerates your presence in. You will never have the power you once did. How do you expect to defeat me without it? You might as well go back to your beloved moon. Equestria has not been your home for a thousand years. It is now the promised land of the changelings! We shall roam free in every town, every plain, every forest, taking our fill of love! I am their mother, and at long last, my children WILL claim their inheritance!"
Luna's voice is as hard and ruthless as I've ever heard it. "What a lovely but absolutely ridiculous sentiment."
A mighty blast reverberates through the chamber just moments later, and I hear the changeling queen cry out in despair. We've taken down Chrysalis. It’s over.
Shy runs off to check on everypony else, and I take the opportunity to sneak a match from Silver’s pack and light up. I don’t care who sees me now; this calls for a victory smoke before I take my furry ass out of here and make some snowflakes.
“Back in business,” I say, and exhale slowly.
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6258101 It's time.
This is fun.
YAY!
Now hurry up and give us more!
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
4:0_3/17/2016
I'll comment again after I read this chapter.
Anybody who just read the chapter more than five minutes ago may want to read the ending again--I added some more dialogue from our villain.
Next chapter tag me and one more thing plz if its ok more hyper silverspoon
*Vibrating Intensifies*
Now that was an awesome chapter!
So let's see:
-Silver Spoon! On coffee! YEAH! I immediately thought of this gif as soon as I reached that part:
derpicdn.net/img/2013/1/13/211502/medium.gif
-Glad to see that Jay was able to buy some time before Luna and the mane six arrived to kick changeling butt.
-So Jay's a Bears fan?
-Party cannon FTW.
Now that the changelings are out of commission, it's time for them to head to the Castle of the Two Sisters. Go get 'em, guys! Stay determined!
7038370 A Vikings fan, actually. He lives in Minnesota.
next
I'm scared because Snowdrop. But I shall read it anyway! At least until my rage punches me in the face, then I'll be dead.
ch 12 Cigarette : 0
ch 13 Cigarette : 8
ch 14 Cigarette : ??
Please tell us >A<
I find the fact that Spoon gos all Cornholeo on them hilarious.
At first glance a while back i dint think much of this story from its description. But now its in the featured box again ill give it a look later.
7038388 In that case as a Bears fan, Jay and I have a common enemy! Packer fans are the worst.
I was recently thinking to ask if you'd be getting back to this, but I suppose that takes care of that. Glad to see it. I hope this will now see regular updates again. It's a fun story.
Ha-HA
Nice one!
Interesting development. Now who else will show up to stop this merry little troop?
7038442 Oops, I forgot!
CIGARETTE COUNT ADDED
7039021
oh wait.., so the number is Jay has cigarette in pack?
I thought Jay smoke 8 cigarettes in chapter 12.
7039035 LOL! Yes, it's counting down. He had almost a full pack at the beginning. Good thing he's not a chain-smoker or he would have run out a long time ago.
7038710 Good eye. I knew somebody would catch that.
It's good to see this story continue. I missed Jay.
Well, you made a story as someone turned into a blind filly worth to read.
Have to say one of the most original stories I've read.
7038255
After Chrysalis is defeated:
Jaydrop: Anyone have a knife?
I know I'm late for the bandwagon but:
IT'S ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!
Hehehe! I love this story. Thanks for the update
I really do love Snowdrop's (Jay's) budding friendship with Silverspoon. It is just so amusing. This chapter was SO funny too! Especially when Silver went all Hyper-Silver via Coffee. I also wonder kinda of friendship Snowdrop and Rainbow Dash will have in the end? As out of all the ponies she (Snowdrop) seems closer to RD, though the gap is quickly closing between her and Luna too.
Sorry about the wait, guys; despite a computer that is still half-functional at best, I am working on Chapter 15.
So help me Celestia, I am reading all those lines in Snowdrop's voice.
I don't know why this story is so entertaining. You can't even see what's going on!
7299921 For many, the addiction is also psychological. Otherwise it wouldn't be so hard to quit.
somehow I'm sad that he can't join the action.
That's only worse because no one will probably notice what Jay is doing.
I hope this story goes longer than her smokes are lasting. Or a sequel, but then about her having to live there or something with some small adventures.
“Release Our friend, foul parasite! By order of the Princess of the Night!”
When I first started reading it I'm like "I'm gonna read Spoons line as Luna" cause I thought it was Spoon. Then I realized it actually was Luna.
The cavalry has arrived—the horses, at least.
I think I finally understand Martys line about the cavalry in back to the future part 3
What's the cavalry?
This is... this is the best Silver Spool ever
Significant lack of changelings using their shapeshifting abilities to confuse the ponies, or do they just not have enough energies?