- Member Since 18th Mar, 2014
- offline last seen Jul 4th, 2015
Baffles
I'm a hobby writer, I'm not great at it, but I enjoy trying to make a good story!
Baffles
Joined 18th Mar, 2014 ·
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Hey there, saw your story posted on the MLPLite subbreddit and I thought I'd give it a read. I liked it for the most part, but I do have a couple things to bring up.
First off, this colt (mare?) is a really intelligent seven year old. Doing a school paper of pony evolution. Even thinking to make a bug-out bag. I doubt that I would've thought of those things at the age of seven, but maybe I was an idiot. I suppose it could be argued that, since we have no concrete age for the ponies in the show, that ponies mature faster than people.
Secondly, not to be blunt but why was this set in Equestria? You could have made this about a kid in Manhattan instead of a colt in Manehattan and nothing would have changed. Also there was a microwave and a refrigerator (although, if I recall correctly, the Apple Family has a refrigerator). Don't misunderstand, it's not a bad thing this story was set in Equestria, just not entirely necessary.
It's really late here and I should be sleeping, so to finish this off I'm going to post the notes I made while reading the story.
Seventh birthday and he's doing a paper on evolution? Ponies must mature fast. When I was seven they taught me how to say island. That's the only thing I really remember from second grade.
Tags: tradgedy, sad, dark, adventure: parents not home= dead
Food in fridge? Made of parents
Microwave too? Is this the future?
Hidey holes in old house? Parents murdered
Giant fire? Manehattan? 9/11?
What seven year old would make a bug out bag?
zombies
So to end this all, pretty well-written story. A few grammatical slip ups here and there, but nothing too serious.
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Hahaha. I understand your concerns. The gender and looks will be described. I mostly left them vague because it makes the reader able to adapt them to what they find appealing.
It will come in the next chapter.
When I was 6 I was running away, with a backpack full of stuff, including my fathers wallet. So, for me, I was that kind of smart, I don't think most kids are, but. I am basing this off my own experience.
So I've thought about it and I realized I have an actual critique for your story. You're writing in first person, which means we, the readers, should know your character intimately. We need to know their every thought and feeling on what they're going through. I feel like I don't know your character at all.
For instance, take "Was I supposed to look for other ponies, or avoid them. That was a thought I was struggling with. I didn’t know if that was a good idea, what could happen?" That is an example of telling, not showing, when you should be showing, not telling.
Of course all this depends on your framing device. If this story is an older version of your character reflecting on something that happened in his or her youth and writing it down, this style makes sense.
If you want examples of good first person POV I recommend reading a short story or a book with that POV (The Dresden Files is an excellent example). Also, don't be discouraged. There's only one way to improve your writing: Keep writing. Keep writing this story. Write character journals. Take non-POV characters from your favorite books/movies/etc. and try rewriting a scene in their perspective. Whatever you do, don't give up.
Also I might just be underestimating the intelligence of seven year olds. Like I said, I don't remember much from when I was seven, and I never deal with children of that age in my day to day life.
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Don't worry. I'm not offended, or upset by this.
You're helping me realize holes in my style. I never claim to be a good writer. It's just not in my genes. I'm a visual artist.
I know this story isn't going to be massive, I know it's not going to be awe inspiring.
I'm mostly writing for the fun of it.
And I thought I had a good story. :)
So, no worries.
If you were being extremely jerkish, I'd call you on it, but you're being honest and giving me constructive criticism.
Like Bluedot is saying, the prose feels unnervingly adult. It honestly sounds like you took a person in their 20s' brain, wiped all the memories down to about 7 years of age, and stuck it in the body of a child. Also like he said, it would make more sense if he was reflecting on past events, but given there's "thoughts" such as wanting to make his parents proud and having the story be in the present tense makes that unlikely. I think the problem is that you have a good grasp of what you want to write, but you haven't gotten into the mind of your character enough to write in first person. Your mindset is still that of an adult's so I'm not sure if a child is the best vehicle to use to carry out your plot; you either need to tone down what he's doing to the stupidity of a child, or age up the character so his thought processes are more believably his age.