Distorted

by Mr Xd2

Day 5: Final Hours

Day 5: Final Hours

This was my final stance, I need to fight all love, friends, and all safety. I grabbed my hatchet and ran back to Canterlot. It is time to get my vengeance on the devil herself. I see the first two guards and knock them to the ground to make my entrance closer to the lair of Hades I made a dead stop to see some people who needed my help. I unhooked the chains and they ran off. To the throne I went as it took minutes to get to. As I ran I heard a conversation between a few guards. They were speaking about some plan but I bothered to ignore this. As I approached five guardians were waiting there right for me I grabbed my hatchet and wacked them all at once in the forehead. I finally made it to last stance were I saw Trixie waiting right in front of my eyes. With her dagger where it usually is she pulled it out.

“What a surprise, Lyra!” Trixie exclaimed.

I stared at her and didn’t say anything because she knew exactly what would happen next. I charged at her with the hatchet and she was able to doge it. I then turned to see her charging at me with her choice of weapon and tackled me to the ground. The knife at this point was pointed right to the center of my heart keeping her hoofs back I kicked her. In reverse I took the knife and did the exact same only this time she escaped the position and punched me repetitively to the point where my other eye was bruised. I then hit her in the nose to where it started to bleed. I then tried to hit again but then she came at me and took off my eye patch and revealed the eye that I lost. My rage turned red and then I grabbed her dagger and stabbed her in the chest. She looked right at me and said

“You won Lyra! How does it feel? It must feel well to get revenge?”

She soon fell to the ground. I pulled out the dagger and walked away.

Comments

[null_name5656]

A mistake in the description

This is in the point of Lyra

Other than that, I cant see how this story could be too bad from the cover, however I do question how the title

Distorted

fits into the theme of what is in essence World War 3 in Equestria (I guess that would be called the Equis War or something like that)

[Elric of Melnipony]

Five chapters, just barely over fifteen hundred words? Nope.

[Mr Xd2]

5522814 Alright thank you it was late when I started and I didn't bother to fix that I plan to fix these in future. The title I actually could not think of I was going to change it up a bit yet I stuck with it. Thank you for feedback this will be used in future.

5523288 I have done a lot better than this I will use information feedback for future writings, Thanks!

5523425 Not a very huge anime fan but I can understand exactly what you mean, Thanks!

[Reeve]

1: that is not a description of the story, those are author notes... really badly written author notes.
2: unless it's a stylistic thing, chapters should never be less than 1000 words each

[Mr Xd2]

5524013 Alright thanks for the feedback this will be fixed in future projects.

[Ciro]

It's exceedingly short, being completely read in about 5-10 minutes; it's rushed, having no real character development, back-story, or adequate descriptions of the events; and a revision of your use of punctuation would be advisable.

[Mr Xd2]

5524431 Alright bro thanks for your feedback!

[null_name5656]

5523288 I just now noticed that...
...well I sure do look like an idiot now...
cdn.superbwallpapers.com/wallpapers/meme/derp-garfield-14418-1280x800.jpg

[Grimm Leaf]

I'm not going to leave a rating, because I didn't like the story. It did not have good quality, BUT it has amazing potential. Don't be afraid to have long chapters. this story seemed to me like only a brief summary of a longer story, one that takes place over the course of five months rather than five days. Add filler but not too much, add smaller plot-lines or flashbacks to explain how Vinyl died and how Trixy survived. How did the wars begin? how did they end? how did they flare up again? Believe in yourself. I would love to see this story redone and extended, good luck.