Lyra has developed strong feelings for the new human in town, but can't seem to muster up the courage to tell him. That ends today. Today will be the day she finally confesses everything, and he will feel the same way about her... Right?
There was only one or two errors I could spot: one early in the story where you mixed up there and their, and near the end where you mixed up were and where
Edit: looking back, pretty much every instance of "where" in the chapter needs to be replaced by "were", apart from the one involving the nightmare-horse's skin and the one about where he left off in his book.
I'm not terribly happy about that update, at the moment. The way you wrote Chris' inner conflict there was almost like going down a checklist of every clichéd emotional hangup that HiE romance fics like to force their protagonists to uncritically accept, so that they can exploit it for cheap interpersonal conflict and easy "character development" that doesn't actually require the effort of developing the character. That's either amazingly unoriginal or an elaborate setup for something that you're planning to do later. It really better be the second option.
Ahem. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Passes out from Squee-overload*
Doesn't matter if it's cliche so long as it's plausible. If I was stuck in a world full of alien chicks I was trying not to be attracted to, I'd probably delude myself with thoughts like that. Granted, I've never tried to NOT be attracted before, so don't quote me on that.
Author, one thing. Lyra's... 'laughs'. The 'he-he-he' thing. Stoppit. That's terrible. 'Heh' is about the max there, and that's a separate thing by itself. Put it in as something along the lines of "<dialogue> Lyra chuckled nervously" or whatnot. But the he-he-he thing is hrrrrgh. I've never seen that from someone halfway intelligent, and you've got a better quality story than that going on here. Better than most HIE.
5479312 Except it isn't even plausible. Humans don't actually have any deeply ingrained cultural notions that interspecies relationships with intelligent aliens are morally reprehensible. I have no idea where the idea even came from or how it ended up propagating to the point where it's basically a fact about human psychogy to MLP fans. Chris wouldn't have any reason for keeping himself from feeling romantic attraction in the first place, if that part of his characterization wasn't cribbed from someone else's work rather than expending the effort of writing something original. With no thought to how it fits with existing characterization eiter.
So not only are the character's emotions really those of a different character entirely, it's a demonstration of the author being too lazy to put the effort into making the character behave naturally. It makes you wonder if she just doesn't care enough about the story to try and make it good.
I fucking HATE the whole "Oh man she is totally a horse and maybe I can see that she is a sentient being I can possibly love her" bullshit that seemingly EVERY fucking HIE author writes.
Author, read that part.
You are in magical colourful horse land for a year and you haven't had sex for that long. Unless you are Asexual you check out a pony ass from time to time.
Lile. Fuck. You the author are writing about possible pony prosterior pounding and you aren't even inside that world. Have the guy laugh it off, call Lyra silly for thinking you couldn't like her then PLOW HER FIELDS LIKE A SEX GOD.
5479523 Seriously. I mean fuck, Captain Kirk was banging a different alien princess every week without anyone even caring as far back as the seventies. I don't think anyone thinks highly of supernatural romance as a literary genre, but I can't think of the last time I heard someone decry it for containing bestiality either. Mass Effect is basically "Bagging yourself an alien boytoy: The Game" and it doesn't keep it from being a massively successful and popular franchise. If we ever had deeply ingrained prejudice like that, we certainly don't anymore now.
A year also really ought to be enough time to learn enough about a species to stop thinking of members of a civilized alien culture as animals based on nothing but a superficial resemblance to something from a completely different universe.
Oi. Another poorly done romance fic, objectifying yet another prominent female character in the fandom. Hind end raised in the air? Check! Sexual look to the reader? Check! Sex tag? Check! Figures it has her fawning over another human male. Must be a rich white guy. As a prominent feminist and level 47 white knight, I have to give this a big red seal of DISapproval. Good day m'ladies and gentlesirs tips fedora......
-Snuggly, proud member of /r/ Feminism, level 47 white knight and fedora collector
...ok, what does any of that have to do with criticizing someone for plagiarizing another author's work instead of coming up with their own obstacle to the relationship? You are bad at this whole mocking people thing.
5479316 You know I agree with you. I went back and took those little laughs out like you suggested. Even when I was writing that I felt it was a little weird to put those in.
5478843 Thank you for pointing those out for me. I went back and changed them.
5479225 Well I'm sorry the story didn't play out like you wanted. If you makes you feel better this is building up to another conflict latter with Bon Bon.
Just would like to point out a few mistakes/problems I noticed.
1.) "She has been acting weird all day. This wasn’t like her in the least." These two sentences conflict in tense, with has being present and wasn't being past. (This may actually be fine the way it is, but it would be more fluent if you changed it in my opinion)
2.) "An awkward silence spread throughout the room. Lyra gritted her teeth, keeping her eyes shut tight, and her head held down low. She turned her head away from the human. She could feel a tear trailing down the side of her cheek. She didn’t want to meet his gaze of possible horror." The last three sentences repeat she a bit too much, I recommend changing it to this: "She turned her head away from the human, feeling a tear trail down the side of her cheek; her eyes remained shut, not wanting to meet his gaze of possible horror."
Those are the only two mistakes/problems I noticed while reading. Hope I helped! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this update, and this is one heck of a great first story to publish. You've earned a follower That cliffhanger... WHY!!!
You seem to use the first one all the time which is right when joining words, but the second one – it's called the en-dash – is for adding information and the third one, the em-dash, is used for interruptio—
"What the absolute—" Octavia Harmony looked up from the paper. "—crap are you writing?"
5480913 Oh man that stuff bugs the crap out of me when I am reading. I should have seen those my self. Thank you for pointing them out. I will change it as soon as I can. XD
5481819 Dang that's a lot of stuff I missed. But I will just add it to the things I need to fix. Thank you for doing that! I will fix it all tonight before bed.
It had to be custom made to fit his taller then normal door.
I think you may have meant door frame or doorway. Either's fine.
As for the story, I find that Chris' thoughts are somewhat contradictory, you see, in his dream he said to himself that he found Lyra attractive, but as soon as that dream turned nightmare ended he went into the normal, non-Equestrian-visiting/living human where horses are animals not deserving of love, or worse, sex (From a human at least). The fact that he's been there for a year and is most likely pent up as all hell would most likely turn his attraction to the nearest sentient species and doesn't help the situation. But wither way, you write the story as you see fit, I'll read it anyways because you've already intrigued me...Mmm, yes quite.
5478667
Sorry its back up. I am not sure what happened ^^;
5478606
It's up! Sorry I'm not sure what happened. I'm still trying to figure this site out.
Ooh, I hope their is some issues that come up becuase he still kind of sees them as horses. He's trying, but it's tough. Would be some good drama.
5478715
one mistake i spotted.
"thigh warm hug"
supposed to be tight warm hug
>w< I want moar! It's so nice having a simple romance for once. Keep up the good work.
There was only one or two errors I could spot: one early in the story where you mixed up there and their, and near the end where you mixed up were and where
Edit: looking back, pretty much every instance of "where" in the chapter needs to be replaced by "were", apart from the one involving the nightmare-horse's skin and the one about where he left off in his book.
5478843
holy shit how did i miss that! :OOOO
I've been looking for a good lyre romance story for a long time, and I think that I have finally found one!
I'm not terribly happy about that update, at the moment. The way you wrote Chris' inner conflict there was almost like going down a checklist of every clichéd emotional hangup that HiE romance fics like to force their protagonists to uncritically accept, so that they can exploit it for cheap interpersonal conflict and easy "character development" that doesn't actually require the effort of developing the character. That's either amazingly unoriginal or an elaborate setup for something that you're planning to do later. It really better be the second option.
Ahem. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Passes out from Squee-overload*
this is rather adorable, I look forward to reading the next chapter
5479225
Doesn't matter if it's cliche so long as it's plausible. If I was stuck in a world full of alien chicks I was trying not to be attracted to, I'd probably delude myself with thoughts like that. Granted, I've never tried to NOT be attracted before, so don't quote me on that.
Author, one thing. Lyra's... 'laughs'. The 'he-he-he' thing. Stoppit. That's terrible. 'Heh' is about the max there, and that's a separate thing by itself. Put it in as something along the lines of "<dialogue> Lyra chuckled nervously" or whatnot. But the he-he-he thing is hrrrrgh. I've never seen that from someone halfway intelligent, and you've got a better quality story than that going on here. Better than most HIE.
5479312
Except it isn't even plausible. Humans don't actually have any deeply ingrained cultural notions that interspecies relationships with intelligent aliens are morally reprehensible. I have no idea where the idea even came from or how it ended up propagating to the point where it's basically a fact about human psychogy to MLP fans. Chris wouldn't have any reason for keeping himself from feeling romantic attraction in the first place, if that part of his characterization wasn't cribbed from someone else's work rather than expending the effort of writing something original. With no thought to how it fits with existing characterization eiter.
So not only are the character's emotions really those of a different character entirely, it's a demonstration of the author being too lazy to put the effort into making the character behave naturally. It makes you wonder if she just doesn't care enough about the story to try and make it good.
Moar.
5479225 OH MY FUCKING GOD YES
I fucking HATE the whole "Oh man she is totally a horse and maybe I can see that she is a sentient being I can possibly love her" bullshit that seemingly EVERY fucking HIE author writes.
Author, read that part.
You are in magical colourful horse land for a year and you haven't had sex for that long. Unless you are Asexual you check out a pony ass from time to time.
Lile. Fuck. You the author are writing about possible pony prosterior pounding and you aren't even inside that world. Have the guy laugh it off, call Lyra silly for thinking you couldn't like her then PLOW HER FIELDS LIKE A SEX GOD.
5479523
Seriously. I mean fuck, Captain Kirk was banging a different alien princess every week without anyone even caring as far back as the seventies. I don't think anyone thinks highly of supernatural romance as a literary genre, but I can't think of the last time I heard someone decry it for containing bestiality either. Mass Effect is basically "Bagging yourself an alien boytoy: The Game" and it doesn't keep it from being a massively successful and popular franchise. If we ever had deeply ingrained prejudice like that, we certainly don't anymore now.
A year also really ought to be enough time to learn enough about a species to stop thinking of members of a civilized alien culture as animals based on nothing but a superficial resemblance to something from a completely different universe.
Oi. Another poorly done romance fic, objectifying yet another prominent female character in the fandom. Hind end raised in the air? Check! Sexual look to the reader? Check! Sex tag? Check! Figures it has her fawning over another human male. Must be a rich white guy. As a prominent feminist and level 47 white knight, I have to give this a big red seal of DISapproval. Good day m'ladies and gentlesirs tips fedora......
-Snuggly, proud member of /r/ Feminism, level 47 white knight and fedora collector
...ok, what does any of that have to do with criticizing someone for plagiarizing another author's work instead of coming up with their own obstacle to the relationship? You are bad at this whole mocking people thing.
5479556
Nice.
You managed to do the unthinkable and be more of a cliché than this story. I sincerely hope that you aren't serious.
5479556
Heyo! You made a great poast there!
I also love your avatar pic. I fap to it evrityme. :)
5479316
You know I agree with you. I went back and took those little laughs out like you suggested. Even when I was writing that I felt it was a little weird to put those in.
5478843
Thank you for pointing those out for me. I went back and changed them.
5478932
Thank you! I am glad my story is readable. You have to thank my editors for that though. With out them, this would be even more of a mess.
5478877
Thank you for the support! I'm really happy that you are enjoying the story. Also yeah I am just doing this for a fun side project.
5479601
That's wasn't Unintentional. That was for the sequel.
That is if people want a sequel.
5479764
sorry i didn't spot more of the mistakes.
5479225
Well I'm sorry the story didn't play out like you wanted. If you makes you feel better this is building up to another conflict latter with Bon Bon.
5479744 A fellow redditor? What is your IQ, my friend?
Are you a fellow atheist or another 4chan troll >.>
Woah. Dude.
media.tumblr.com/202f3309211902c4bc65b7a85f754a4c/tumblr_inline_mj095h7E2e1rd1mbh.png
I am predicting GREAT booty tonight.
5479811 Oh hi Chris. My name is Chris and I loved this story XD.
5480209 Indeed sir here is a moustache for you
5479704
You realize he's a massive troll who does this on almost every story he finds, right? Don't respond to him, he enjoys it.
5479755
Looks a great deal better now. More orderly, professional. The vocalized sound effects really break that up.
Just would like to point out a few mistakes/problems I noticed.
1.) "She has been acting weird all day. This wasn’t like her in the least."
These two sentences conflict in tense, with has being present and wasn't being past. (This may actually be fine the way it is, but it would be more fluent if you changed it in my opinion)
2.) "An awkward silence spread throughout the room. Lyra gritted her teeth, keeping her eyes shut tight, and her head held down low. She turned her head away from the human. She could feel a tear trailing down the side of her cheek. She didn’t want to meet his gaze of possible horror."
The last three sentences repeat she a bit too much, I recommend changing it to this:
"She turned her head away from the human, feeling a tear trail down the side of her cheek; her eyes remained shut, not wanting to meet his gaze of possible horror."
Those are the only two mistakes/problems I noticed while reading. Hope I helped!
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this update, and this is one heck of a great first story to publish. You've earned a follower
That cliffhanger... WHY!!!
5480050
neither, I'm a fellow 4chan poster like you.
And don't try to deny its bait you're posting boy. You can reply, but i ain't replying back after this. This isn't a 4chan thread for you to shit up.
Just for information, you should probably learn the dashes.
fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/030/7/e/know_your_dashes__an_infographic_guide_by_dm29-d4o3a0c.jpg
You seem to use the first one all the time which is right when joining words, but the second one – it's called the en-dash – is for adding information and the third one, the em-dash, is used for interruptio—
"What the absolute—" Octavia Harmony looked up from the paper. "—crap are you writing?"
5481335
Eep! I had no idea. I will make corrections, and save this for future works. Thank you ^^;
5480913
Oh man that stuff bugs the crap out of me when I am reading. I should have seen those my self. Thank you for pointing them out. I will change it as soon as I can. XD
And I am glad your are enjoying the fic!
5481819
Dang that's a lot of stuff I missed. But I will just add it to the things I need to fix. Thank you for doing that! I will fix it all tonight before bed.
Loving this story so far! Keep up the good work!
Apologies for the unrelated comment but...
tHaT cOvEr ArT iS sO fUcKiN GoOd.
Just wanted to say I love your cover art for this story. Very well done.
The story seems to be coming along nicely. Can't wait to read the rest.
Aw this story is so cute and good! I feel Chris though, I'm so dense when it comes to relationships. Anyway, can't wait till next chapter.
One thing I noticed;
I think you may have meant door frame or doorway. Either's fine.
As for the story, I find that Chris' thoughts are somewhat contradictory, you see, in his dream he said to himself that he found Lyra attractive, but as soon as that dream turned nightmare ended he went into the normal, non-Equestrian-visiting/living human where horses are animals not deserving of love, or worse, sex (From a human at least). The fact that he's been there for a year and is most likely pent up as all hell would most likely turn his attraction to the nearest sentient species and doesn't help the situation. But wither way, you write the story as you see fit, I'll read it anyways because you've already intrigued me...Mmm, yes quite.
why am I thinking of 2 other fan fics right now.... gosh darn it i blame pokemon and discord. (very vage hit)
5480433 Name ten fics I've done this to.
5481257 XD
Love it.