It was a typical Saturday night. Me and my buds got together to play some cards and pool when this batshit crazy nutjob broke into my house and took us hostage. Why? He thought we were worshiping the devil, and he was doing gods work. WTF!? Well he started killing my freinds one by one until I was the last one left and then .... the man screamed ... then he disintergrated... then I looked in the mirror saw my eyes and blacked out. When I reopened them I was in the hospital. After stratining things out with the cops I continued my life, but with a new thing to study, magic. Then later on in life after a lot of research I was confronted at a pawn shop by this old man .... yea after that I wake up in magical horse land ... well this will be good.
Great story tellin' there, m8. Don't even need to read the story.
It was a typical Saturday night. Me and my buds got together to play some cards and pool when this batshit crazy nutjob broke into my house and took us hostage. Why? He thought we were worshiping the devil, and he was doing gods work. WTF!? Well he started killing my freinds one by one until I was the last one left and then .... the man screamed ... then he disintergrated... then I looked in the mirror saw my eyes and blacked out. When I reopened them I was in the hospital. After stratining things out with the cops I continued my life, but with a new thing to study, magic. Then later on in life after a lot of research I was confronted at a pawn shop by this old man .... yea after that I wake up in magical horse land ... well this will be good.
All I need is this description to tell me every bad thing about this story. That is a problem.
5506532 Quick question, who's your avatar supposed to be of? Reason I'm asking is because I'm thinking of Winry from Fullmetal Alchemist of all people... :/
revel - To make merry. Synonyms: carouse, celebrate. reveal - To uncover; to show and display that which was hidden.
if you are wandering what jogged my memory
wander - To move without purpose or specified destination. wonder - To ponder; to feel doubt and curiosity; to wait with uncertain expectation; to query in the mind.
Learn how to transition:
START FLASHBACK
Never do that.
Learn how to use an apostrophe:
me and my friends hangout spot my friends old pool table
Learn when to capitalize and when not to:
might as well get things started, And what better way to do that but O'well U.S steel a pair of, you guessed it, Jeans
Hint: A major corporation like "US Steel" should have their full name capitalized.
Learn when to use "a" and when to use "an":
Chad was a otaku
Plus there seems to be little point in introducing all of your secondary, lesser-Gary-Stu, best-friend-insert supporting characters if you were just going to kill them off. I suppose it was to give your edgy, badass, full-on Gary Stu, self-insert protagonist some tragedy in his background in an effort to simulate depth.
5506970 and he is a gary stu but is not self insert. I would like to explain more about it but I can't without giveing away to much. By the way thank you for the help, the changes will be made later this day.
What's with the huge ass time skip? You need to provide more background info if your gonna do something like that, not to mention how you just dumped us into a meeting between the Princesses, Pandora, and Dust that suddenly turned into a fight without a single hint as to what was going on. I couldn't even figure out what was happening.
Geez, people should really pay attention to your username. If it says don't ask about it then they shouldn't question your ideas! I like it so far though, 'cause I actually read past the 10,000 years part (Unlike some people)
BLUNT REVIEW: Some problems, all fixable and yes most are just my opinion. But 10,000 years...really? Why not just a few years later....you mean magic makes you immortal also big chance on the anthro thing mist dont like that....at all but making him this strong would mean few if any could be the antagonist of this story. Maybe "more skill than power" also why are the all there? Why do they have technology like us (maybe the 10,000 thing is effected there world to....but then who is twilight's crush/friends?) I think we know who Pandora's mother is....but I still want to here it. Its good, not great and many will say "this and that" but it does have some serious potential lastly why were they shocked when they heard "Dust" talk? "Oh no an magical gifted creature....that is smart enough to talk"
5633099 This is the FIRST part in a long story that will DEVELOP as it goes on. The time skip will be explained and so will there world and Dusts past. My next chapter is going to be a experiment and I encourage everyone to read the authors note in it. Just remember it takes time to develop a story so don't freak out. And finally don't ask about it.
5636619 im not freaking, there just my opinions I could say something and someone else would have a opinion that disregard's what I said. But in my defense you should take note of what the majority agree's upon.
5636757 sorry about that, I did not mean to come off as hostel. I'm just a straight forward person, haha. I personally like the comments, I read them all. I see what everyone is saying, but the problem is what everyone's saying is going to be resolved as the story goes on. Hence the "don't freak out." Part of my last comment.
5637375 it wasnt hostile I just thought I offended you in some way (some people DO freak out, just wait, I don't need to point it out it is one of those things when you see it you go "oh....I see....um....really?....Im sorry words can hurt you THAT much [lol]" none the less I do look forward to reading the rest of this fic.
All these people hating on the 10K years bits. I'm more worried about how random the instant love between the OCs is. That shit is what doesn't bode well.
Please work on the synopsis some, it gives too much away.
Great story tellin' there, m8. Don't even need to read the story.
All I need is this description to tell me every bad thing about this story. That is a problem.
5506532 Quick question, who's your avatar supposed to be of? Reason I'm asking is because I'm thinking of Winry from Fullmetal Alchemist of all people... :/
5506547
iunno
I got the pic from a Raifu dump on /k/ on 8chan.
5506559 Oh, so it's one of those "I just got it elsewhere and I just work here" cases. Okay, I understand.
5506563
Well if you want, you can ask me about my new one. I can tell you about that.
5506569 Sure. (And now fracking Lust is on my mind, dafuq?!) Where'd you get this'un?
5506572
This is the R63 of an inactive US Marine who grew up in the Philippines during Marcos' reign. He is now a game developer.
His name is Rogue Star and he became popular after showing support for the GamerGate movement.
I got it off a Twitter account.
5506581 Damn.
5506585
And he's been banned from Twitter something like twelve times now.
5506588 Yowch.
5506595
Eeyup.
By the way, can I have the full res pic of your avatar?
5506599 31.media.tumblr.com/4f6e11e6f828b27cb32c930b49d59dc0/tumblr_inline_ndyav3Vw1P1rapumf.bmp Had to fish this from an old blog I did, and I crudely added in the hat.
5506614
What made you decide to make her Human?
5506623 I kinda drew her like that after a while, and it would make more sense, given the Team Magma uniform.
Learn how to spell:
usually
Learn proper word choice:
revel - To make merry. Synonyms: carouse, celebrate.
reveal - To uncover; to show and display that which was hidden.
wander - To move without purpose or specified destination.
wonder - To ponder; to feel doubt and curiosity; to wait with uncertain expectation; to query in the mind.
Learn how to transition:
Never do that.
Learn how to use an apostrophe:
Learn when to capitalize and when not to:
Hint: A major corporation like "US Steel" should have their full name capitalized.
Learn when to use "a" and when to use "an":
Plus there seems to be little point in introducing all of your secondary, lesser-Gary-Stu, best-friend-insert supporting characters if you were just going to kill them off. I suppose it was to give your edgy, badass, full-on Gary Stu, self-insert protagonist some tragedy in his background in an effort to simulate depth.
5506970 sorry about that I will make the proper changes. My spelling sucks.
5506970 also the introduction was a little important sice they will make more appearances.
5506970 and he is a gary stu but is not self insert. I would like to explain more about it but I can't without giveing away to much. By the way thank you for the help, the changes will be made later this day.
5506534
5506532
This only revealed one part of a long story, this is not much compared to other things.
I like your work, what to see more
5507938 I am terrible with descriptions. And if you are wondering how that happened all will be revealed ... at some point.
10,000 years.
That just ruined it for me -_-.
fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/127/1/3/thor_and_mlp_meme_for_fimfic_by_ponpheonix-d64fsvg.jpg
Nice
sorry man it was great up to
10,000 years.
so im stopping there i lost interest
What's with the huge ass time skip? You need to provide more background info if your gonna do something like that, not to mention how you just dumped us into a meeting between the Princesses, Pandora, and Dust that suddenly turned into a fight without a single hint as to what was going on. I couldn't even figure out what was happening.
It's Mi Amore Cadenza
Geez, people should really pay attention to your username. If it says don't ask about it then they shouldn't question your ideas! I like it so far though, 'cause I actually read past the 10,000 years part (Unlike some people)
BLUNT REVIEW:
Some problems, all fixable and yes most are just my opinion. But 10,000 years...really? Why not just a few years later....you mean magic makes you immortal also big chance on the anthro thing mist dont like that....at all but making him this strong would mean few if any could be the antagonist of this story. Maybe "more skill than power" also why are the all there? Why do they have technology like us (maybe the 10,000 thing is effected there world to....but then who is twilight's crush/friends?) I think we know who Pandora's mother is....but I still want to here it. Its good, not great and many will say "this and that" but it does have some serious potential lastly why were they shocked when they heard "Dust" talk? "Oh no an magical gifted creature....that is smart enough to talk"
5633099 This is the FIRST part in a long story that will DEVELOP as it goes on. The time skip will be explained and so will there world and Dusts past. My next chapter is going to be a experiment and I encourage everyone to read the authors note in it. Just remember it takes time to develop a story so don't freak out. And finally don't ask about it.
5636619 im not freaking, there just my opinions I could say something and someone else would have a opinion that disregard's what I said. But in my defense you should take note of what the majority agree's upon.
5636757 sorry about that, I did not mean to come off as hostel. I'm just a straight forward person, haha. I personally like the comments, I read them all. I see what everyone is saying, but the problem is what everyone's saying is going to be resolved as the story goes on. Hence the "don't freak out." Part of my last comment.
5637375 it wasnt hostile I just thought I offended you in some way (some people DO freak out, just wait, I don't need to point it out it is one of those things when you see it you go "oh....I see....um....really?....Im sorry words can hurt you THAT much [lol]" none the less I do look forward to reading the rest of this fic.
out of all the names you could have chosen you choose the one that punches me right in the feels rpgfan.com/pics/Dust_An_Elysian_Tail/logo-001.jpg
It's rushed, very rushed.
That said, I will admit to being curious.
Which of her friends does Twily "have the Hots for"?
Good story but until it's improved I'm going to put this in the back burner shelf.
This story is AWESOME
I must be some kind of masochist. I keep reading these.
I like!
Well, this was quite......random.
You need to justvstop mmk? Feels rushed and also why the hell is this god like being acting like such a teenager? Supposedly ten thousand years old.
All these people hating on the 10K years bits.
I'm more worried about how random the instant love between the OCs is. That shit is what doesn't bode well.
Title... Spell it "prologue". Please.
Pésimo
All of my ship.
I'm not sure if I should like or dislike this story it seems so weird but really good at the same time
a bit quick but other than that its good
What.