It was midday when Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie descended to the boarding platform at the Trottingham train station. The two mares looked around. They were in a medium to small city, anchored by Trottingham University of the Arts in the southern end and a tall building with a campanile's bell tower at the other. Pinkie headed toward the former and Twilight trailed behind, admiring the architecture.
“Have you ever been here before, Twilight? Isn't this exciting? We're going to see one of the most splendoriffic bakers in the city. Every pony who goes to TUA spends a lot of time at this shop. They say that the professors don't let you into an exam period without one of Cookie N Cream’s pastries and a cup of Chai Spice’s Equestria-famous drinks in hoof!”
Twilight continued to follow her bouncing friend across the town toward that enormous place of learning. Just before the pair of ponies entered campus, Pinkie Pie turned down a side street. Just past a series of apartment buildings, Twilight Sparkle spied a small café. As the two approached, Pinkie’s future-predicting tail gave three abrupt shakes, then deflated completely. Twilight Sparkle looked to her friend for an explanation. She had never seen that happen with her friend’s Pinkie Sense. Even more worrisome was the fact that Pinkie herself looked very confused.
“I don't get it,” she said after a suspiciously quiet moment. “It's saying that there is someone in there who is very sad and worried but is trying to hide it and that she's about to get help from an unexpected source.” She grinned at Twilight. “That sounds like it could be us! Let's go inside!” Tail still deflated, Pinkie Pie led Twilight Sparkle toward the coffee house. As she opened the door, a bell chimed and a pony looked up from behind the counter.
She was a mare in her middle years, the pale orange of a ripening pumpkin, with a cinnamon-colored mane and tail streaked with a pale yellow. Her green eyes were red from crying and tears streaked her face. She wiped them away and attempted to greet her visitors with a customer service smile. “Hello, and welcome to Cookie’s and Chai’s Café. I am Chai Spice. How may I help you?”
Pinkie Pie bounded up to the counter. “Hi Spicy! You remember me, yes? I am Pinkie Pie, you know, Cookie N Cream’s friend from the baking competition?”
Chai Spice nodded. “Oh yes, I do! How could I forget my husband’s favorite cupcake baker? You must excuse me. I have been out of sorts ever since he … left.”
Pinkie looked confused. “But why would he leave? He wrote to me just last month that he was excited about seeing me at the Big City Bake-Off next week and was looking forward to introducing me to your first foal!”
Twilight realized that the mare behind the counter was, indeed, heavily with foal.
The mare sighed. “It wasn't that kind of leaving, Pinkie, dear. Some guard pony came to the show where he was competing in Vanhoofer and you know what he looks like at competitions...” She fell silent. Pinkie Pie opened the gate that separated the back counter area from the dining room. She embraced the larger mare as Chai Spice burst into tears again. Twilight stood awkwardly watching as her friend comforted the coffee house owner. This was not what she had expected to hear at all.
“So wait, Cookie N Cream is a changeling? And your foal is his?” Twilight asked.
Chai Spice nodded. “It was the most open secret at Trottingham University of the Arts. The students would come here and eat his desserts and be so happy from them that he could feed openly, just on the happy feelings in the air. During final exams, he would even make things for free and offer them to students to make them feel better about their tests. He only wore pony form when the weather became too cold for him to be comfortable in his changeling form. Every pony loved him…” She trailed off, losing her expression of control. “And now he is gooooonnnneeee!” the mare wailed. It echoed through the empty room.
Pinkie, as calm as Twilight had ever seen her, enfolded the mare into an enormous hug. She held the other pony close as Twilight mentally processed the information. The unicorn waited until the pregnant earth pony calmed herself again before tentatively asking. “Have you written to Princess Luna to try and get him back? I heard she was taking amnesty petitions for changelings living with ponies.”
Chai Spice looked surprised. “She is? I… guess it would be worth a try, wouldn't it? I would do anything to get my super special somepony back. It is after the summer mid-term, so business will be slow until the school year starts up again next month. Pinkie, would you, and your friend too, come with me to see the princess? It would mean ever so much to me.” She glanced pleadingly at the other two ponies with tear-streaked eyes.
“Of course, silly! What are friends for? We can catch the train and be in Canterlot by tomorrow night.” Pinkie Pie answered, her tail inflating to its natural curly self.
Chai Spice looked nervous. “I've never ridden a train before, especially not as far as Canterlot.”
Pinkie had gotten her bounce back and she and the older mare stood up together. Twilight walked over to the pair. “Let us help and find you some things that would help you with getting Cookie back. Do you have any photographs or newspaper clippings or advertisements for the shop, anything with his picture on it?”
The mare nodded and turned to Pinkie. “Go up the stairs. In the first room on the right, go to the dresser. In the top left drawer is a box of old newsprint. Grab that and the framed photograph on the top of the dresser.” Pinkie nodded and headed for the stairs. Chai Spice turned to the unicorn. “I didn't catch your name, dear, what is it?”
“Oh sorry, My name is Twilight Sparkle. I am one of Pinkie’s friends from Ponyville.”
For the first time, the mare smiled a real smile. “It seems that every pony who sets hoof in her presence is Pinkie’s friend. Never the less, she's a good judge of character. I will trust you. Will you go to the front room and take down the big framed photograph from our award-winning fair food? It should be pretty conspicuous, and it's the only thing I don't have a copy of in that scrapbooking box.”
Twilight nodded, happy to have something to do to help the distraught mare. She trotted toward the wall that was crowded with framed photographs and other memorabilia. Alongside the required certificates from the health board and City of Trottingham Business Bureau were a number of plaques proclaiming “Student’s Choice Awards: Best Coffee and Pastries”. From the looks of it, this place had been a popular meeting spot for years.
There were also numerous pictures of various food items, many of them decorated with ribbons of various colors. One of them that held pride of place in the exact center of the display showed Chai Spice standing next to a robust male changeling. Both of them had enormous grins as they displayed a gigantic silver trophy in front of an elaborate display of chocolate confections. A plaque on the frame read “Grand Prize, Trottingham Provincial Fair: Cookie N. Cream and Chai Spice for best Baked Goods.” Several hungry-looking judges stood in the background, their eyes glued on the immense stack of cookies directly above the trophy.
Twilight used her magenta magic to carefully lift the framed photograph off of its hanger and bring it to Chai Spice. By the time she had gotten there, Pinkie had returned with the items Chai had requested and the latter mare was putting them in her saddle bags. She gratefully took the framed picture from Twilight and added it to the bag.
“All right,” she sighed, “just let me close up the shop and we can go.” She walked toward the front door and wrote something down on a piece of paper that she placed as a sign on the window. Then she locked the front door and switched off the dining area lights. She ushered Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle through the back room, placing various food items in cabinets and turning off coffee machines as she passed by. The mare flicked off the last lights as the three stepped out the back door. Chai Spice locked the back door, then glanced at it longingly before squaring her shoulders and turning to her companions. "Now let us get my special somebuggy back!” With that she strode purposefully away from the closed coffee shop.
As Pinkie Pie bounded after her, Twilight Sparkle followed more sedately. She looked back one more time at the closed shop to get a glance at the sign its proprietor had placed in the window. It read: Gone to Save My Changeling. Will Be Back for Semester. Will Not Return Alone. Twilight smiled to herself. It seemed that Chai Spice’s resolve ran deeper than she had initially expected.
“Are you coming Twilight?” Pinkie called out.
“Yes, I am coming!” Twilight yelled as she cantered to catch up. “Let's get to the station and catch the express to Canterlot. I'll send Spike a note to catch the Ponyville special and meet us there and one to Princess Luna to tell her that we are coming.” They arrived at the station. Pinkie Pie took care of tickets while Twilight paid for a few messages to be sent via magic telegram. By the time evening had come, all three mares were seated on the train bound for Canterlot.
The issue with a witchhunt, is both the guilty and the innocent are caught up in the whirlwind and are equally damaged as a result.
Somehow I think the N stands for Nigel. Don't know why.....
er... a changeling living openly with some guards in a remote frontier outpost is one thing, but now a changeling living openly in one of the largest cities in equestria? That's kinda straining suspension of disbelief.
Ahh, so that explains the Pinkie recipe subplot and the trip to Trottingham.
Hmmm... Seems like the Mane 6 themselves are getting involved. I'd like to see how this goes.
A few minor grammar errors, though:
Have you ever been here before Twilight? There needs to be a comma before "Twilight": Pinkie is asking Twilight Sparkle if she's ever been in Trottingham, not if she's been there before sundown.
“I don't get it” she said after a suspiciously quiet moment. The comma before the closing quotes is missing.
Twilight realized that the mare behind the counter was, indeed, heavily with foal. I believe that you meant to say "heavy with foal"?
Never the less, she is a good judge of character. "Nevertheless" is one word, not three.
“Are you coming Twilight?” Pinkie called out. Again, a vocative comma is missing.
Are you a Chicagoan?
Also... random-ass pastry added to the story at the drop of a hat became a major plot point.
Now let us get my special somebuggy back!
Lol. This made me giggle, a lot.
One criticism I would point out (and having read into the next chapter as well, I know you're still doing it) is that you don't seem to use many contractions, things like "I'm", "let's", stuff like that. I feel this makes portions of the text feel clunky, halting, and overly formal, especially where speech is involved. Plus, of course, it's arguable that Twilight, Pinkie, etc. don't talk like that.
A few instances of longer words getting incorrectly split into smaller ones as well ("bed room" was one I noticed in the next chapter), so try and watch out for that, too.
Otherwise the story itself seems pretty cool.
Why is she using a telegram when they have phones? For that matter why is Spike's dragon-fire mail such a big deal when they have phones?
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Actually they don't have phones. And cannonically don't have telegrams. They have mailmares, and Dragon fire (well Twilight has Dragon Fire, everypony else has the postal service). But if in order to make news travel fast I guess having a telegraph system would be needed to further the story.
Um, Jet Cannon also mentioned this, but it's noticeable that you are avoiding contractions. Normally this would be excellent; I'm sure your English teachers have taught you that using contractions in essays is incorrect. Contractions are examples of colloquialisms--that is, commonly spoken or used words or phrases that aren't technically correct English but have been incorporated into the language of an area. I think that's a fair definition... Anyways, the thing you need to know with contractions and other colloquialisms is that they're OK to use in dialogue because it is a transcription of speech, and people do speak with colloquialisms like contractions.
5371041 Cookies Nigel Cream. . . Somehow it ruins the deliciousness that is Cookies and Cream.
5426492 In canon they don't however in the previous chapter Twilight Sparkle "searched through first a Canterlot phone book, then a city directory, then, hesitantly, the necrology listings for the Canterlot Star-Herald." Implying - if not outright stating - that in this fanfiction there are indeed phones.
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To be fair, he was doing it back before anypony actually knew what the hey a Changeling was. At that point, the small sub-section of the community that knew about him as "weird but harmless". It was only after Queen Cheese Legs declared her Hive a Rogue Nation that things went south for Cookie.
This is starting to seem contrived. Not only the changeling in the open I see others pointing out, but now we have a changeling that through sheer coincidence is the bearer of the secret cake recipe Luna somehow knew to ask Pinkie about because the royal cake makers somehow didn't...a changeling that Pinkie just happens to have made a Pinkie Pie swear to to not reveal his cake recipe...to give them an excuse to go talk to his wife to then bring her to go talk to Luna who presumably has that same changeling who knows the recipe she conveniently asked for sitting in her dungeon all along and didn't know?
And why exactly do the royal chefs not know how to make black forest cake?
The whole thing is completely contrived.
5946931 While I admitt that the Cookie sideplot came out of nowhere. Some thing like that is not out of place in the show and is keeping within the tone.
5946931 Yeah, no.
Luna asked Twilight for Pinkie's cake recipe. Which Pinkie promised she wouldn't ever give to anyone without permission.
Contrived? Yes. But have you ever read a story? A lot is contrived. Or coincidence.
Seriously. Name a popular book (that I've read) and we'll discuss everything contrived about it. I warn you, there will be a metric fuckton.
Ooh, interesting.
I always liked somebuggy, that word just sounds right and cute.
And again you happy worth Twilight showing they she indeed does study friendship and even more ponies having been very open to changelingsliving among them. That so with the spirit of the show.
Cya
Raziel-chan
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Hmm the Changeling are fundamental a total unknown that is regarded as fable at the time of the wedding... Having them around in a UNIVERSITY CITY is effectively QUITE strange.