Episode 8: The Southern One Gives Her Two Cents
The two girls before me just gave me looks of confusion before both of their eyes widened and the one with purple hair sighed.
"Oh dear, not again."
You know I should be more surprised that this is your response to Pinkie kidnapping someone, but somehow it doesn't.
"So let me guess, this isn't the first time Ms. Sugar-high’s done this?"
"Pinkie does this from time to time, yes,” Dapplemack corrected with a glare. “We tried warning her that it isn't the best way to make friends, but sometimes wisdom goes in one ear and out the other with her."
"And why doesn't that surprise me in the slightest?" I deadpanned which caused the fashion lady to giggle.
"I see you've gotten used to Pinkie’s...Pinkieness it seems."
I wanted to give a sarcastic remark, something along the lines of Pinkie's strangeness being something no one should get used to, but Grapple-Check’s continuous glare from before told me that would be a bad idea. So I instead went a slightly less sarcastic remark.
"I wouldn't say 'used to,' more like 'tolerating till I can make my swift escape.' Which seems less and less likely with every passing moment." The purple haired girl giggled again at my tone, which honestly annoyed me.
What’s with that stupid “tee-hee-hee”? She’s like that one audience member in a bad sitcom that always laughs even when they should be booing.
But before I could voice any of this to her, Snapple-Cap spoke up again.
"Say pardner, I don't quite recall yer name. What was it again, Michel something?" she asked earnestly, but with her accent, I thought she was being condescending.
Okay, first off that's your best subtle insult? Really? I've heard better insults on Jersey Shore, and that's saying something since half the stuff that comes out of their mouths is drunken gibberish. Second of all, this is a subtle insult!
"Close enough, its Michael Bacon. And if I recall your name is Maple Stack right? Wait no, Crackerjack? No no no, wait I got it! It's Fraggle Rock isn't!? Sorry, I tend to forget absurd names."
This was in all honesty the truth, I had no idea what her real name was. The thing is though, when you admit that to the person, it tends to get their goat.
The cowgirl actually started to grind her teeth in anger at my little comeback while the fancy one looked mortified as if I’d just spat on her family's grave.
Someone's overdramatic huh?
"Now now, why don't we all go and get a table? We're right in the way of the door after all, and if we stay we'd be terribly inconvenient to everyone trying to get in," Ms. Eye-Shadow interrupted, getting between me and Ms. Southern-Drawl. Probably a good thing too, because said southern belle stopped flashing her chompers and calmed down.
"Ah hear ya Rares, ah hear ya.” She nodded before giving me an aside glance. “Come on smart mouth, let’s get a move on."
“Or do you still plan on escaping as it were?” asked “Rares.”
“Oh why even bother?” I grumbled. “If the Pink one didn’t catch me, I’m sure you’d lasso me or something cowgirl.”
“Heh, ah do have quite the collection of rodeo ribbons, that’s for sure,” she nodded with a smirk that set me on edge.
Wait, for real? I was just joking. Does she really have a rope on her? I thought in worry.
“W-Well, that’s fine and all, but don’t worry. Aside from you kidnappers, I’m still hungry for sweets.”
*Grumble* My stomach agreed at an unreasonable decibel level which caused the girls to snicker.
Curse you comedic timing! You have betrayed me!
"Yeah yeah laugh at my hunger why don’t you? And can you seriously not laugh in a “non fancy” way fashion la-Okay, you know what enough of that, what’s your name?"
“Huh?” they both asked taken aback.
"I asked what your name was because I seriously forgot and I can't keep referring to you as 'the fashion one.' It's getting repetitive and annoying to constantly think, and I’m pretty sure Rares isn’t it either."
“Huh…well that was rather blunt darling,” the girl-who-likes-fashion said blinking owlishly.
Darling? Who the heck says that to someone you’re not dating? I only just met you. Must be some sort of character trait or something...
“Yeah, blunt is one way to put it. Now seriously, I’m running out of synonyms for ‘fashion.’”
Annie Oakley squinted her eyes at me for said bluntness, but the prom queen started giggling that annoying “sophisticated” laugh again.
"What’s so funny?" I asked, to stop the laughing more than anything else.
"Oh, oh nothing much darling, it’s just been far too long since someone's been so blunt with me! It's quiet refreshing to hear actually."
Both Knick-Knack-Paddy-Whack and I stared dumbfounded at her response, but she didn't seem to mind as she continued,
"Anyway darling, my name is Rarity. And since you happened to forget this is my friend Applejack."
"Howdy," the now named southern girl said in the most cold way possible.
“What, like the cereal?” I asked in actual surprise.
“Like I haven’t heard that one before,” she said with a glare that caused the three of us to go into an uncomfortable silence.
Oh God, this is why I don’t do the whole “friends” thing. Awkward Silences! Someone! Anyone! Break it before it consumes us a-
"Hmmm...why don't we try to get to know each other while we wait for Pinkie and Rainbow to get back with the snacks?" Rarity interjected.
Oh God that's even worse! Awkward small talk!
Applejack seemed to agree with me as she let out a snort at the idea. In the end though, I was trapped at the table with these two, and if I didn’t give in, then the few minutes till snack time would stretch to an eternity.
Better to bite the bullet at this point.
"Alright...so what should we talk about?" I answered, which caused Rarity to give a face eating Pinkie-like smile with eye sparkles to boot.
I seriously need to do a chemical test on the water here before I drink any!
"Hmmm, what to talk about? ...I know! How about our favorite type of fashion?!"
To my surprise, I wasn’t the only one to let out a groan as Applejack pulled her hat down over her eyes.
I regret this already!
Rarity looked back and forth between us before she huffed out,
"Fine! But do you two have any other ideas?"
...
...
...
Aaannnnddd back to awkward silence. Whelp guess I could jus-
"What about TV shows? You look like a couch potato,” Applejack suggested.
Huh...that could actually work. Also, MUCH better subtle insult.
With that thought I nodded my head and asked Rarity,
"Okay, so have you ever seen Power rangers, Ninja Turtles, Sailor Moon, Beetle Force, Teen Titans, Samurai Cyber Squad, The other ninja turtles, or Avatar: The Last Airbender?" I listed off on rapid fire.
"I'm afraid I haven't darling,” she said with an overwhelmed face. “I tended to watch shows that had female leads.”
“Anyone could have watched those shows,” I pointed out. “Heck, Sailor Moon seems tailor made for you. But you like strong female leads huh? In that case, what about Kim Possible?”
“No.”
“Star vs. The Forces of Evil?”
“No.”
“Black Lagoon?”
“Sorry, no.”
"...Totally Spies?" I asked reluctantly.
"Oh I adore that one!"
"Oh come on!"
"I know the writing isn't the best darling, but you have to admit it had a decent concept and cast,” she pointed out.
"I mean…yeah it did last thirteen years for a reason I guess,” I hated to admit. “But come on the transportation to the main HQ gag got old fast."
"True darling,” she nodded, “But Clover's fashion choice is truly marvelous!"
And yet somehow we're back to fashion. Must. Avoid. Fashion Talk!
"So Applejack, you got any childhood TV shows worth talking about?"
The cowgirl just stared at me for a bit before mumbling out,
"Well...I did always watch that ol'cartoon C.O.W Boys of Moo Mesa."
...
...
...
"I'm sorry the who boys of what now?" I asked causing her to raise an eyebrow.
"Well, it's about a bunch of cows turning into human like people, and it follows three lawmen of the town trying to put a stop to the evil mayor and his sheriff from committing crimes that can ruin the town."
(This is an actual show people, look it up if you don't believe me)
"Hehehe,” I chuckled. “That sounds like a TMNT knockoff like Biker Mice From Mars. Guess the animation company needed a quick cash cow at the time, eh?”
Applejack’s face seemed to harden at that, either from me insulting her childhood, or my terrible pun, or both.
*Bing*
"Oh dear! It looks like Pinkie needs me in the kitchen, it seems like Rainbow managed to burn half the snacks...again,” Rarity informed looking at her phone.
I swear I heard a "Hey!" come from the kitchen when she said that, but before I could comment on it Rarity stood up from the table.
"You two keep each other company now, I'll be back after the snacks are all finished,” she said as she hurried off to the back with the other girls, leaving me alone with cowgirl.
...
...
...
And now back to the awkward silence, brought to you by Pinkie with the painfully obvious attempt for me to get along with her friends.
I twiddled my thumbs as I stared at Applejack, trying to think of anything at all the break the tension between us.
“So, I guess you like cowboy ha-“
"I'ma be straight with ya pal, I don't like you. Not one bit," she interrupted me.
...
Apparently I'm better at annoying Pinkie's friends then I thought I was.
"You made mah friend cry, you continually insult us to our faces, and now you've gone done stirred up trouble with those no good Dazzlings and Sunset Shimmer when things have finally settled down from last year’s fiasco."
'Last years fiasco?' Wonder what that's about? I pondered before addressing the glaring girl.
"Look, I’m sorry but I didn’t even want to be in this position. I told Pinkie I didn’t want friends, and that was my legitimate excuse, it’s nothing against her personally. And come on, insulting? I couldn’t for the life of me remember your names. Besides, your not so subtle insult to my name started it.”
“Ah was just trying to introduce myself proper for courtesy’s sake, and ya idjit,” she scolded.
“Oh…well excuse me then Applejack,” I emphasized with sarcasm, “But if you don’t like me then there’s no loss here. I’ve been dragged into this whole “hanging out” situation. Also, you’re worried about the bullies? Those Disco-rejects and Condiment Head are nothing compared to some of the other bullies I've met. Heck, if this were any normal town, they’d be the ones getting bullied.”
My own glare had come out to match hers as I spouted my frustrations, but then hers fell for a moment in confusion.
"Condiment Head?"
I could feel my eyebrow twitch as I explained, once again, how her nickname comes from her hair color choice.
“Seriously, she’s either blonde with red highlights, or redheaded with blonde highlights, that can’t be natural.”
"Whatever,” she shook her head and pointed at me. “Ah just wanna make one thing clear. Ah don't know why Pinkie is so stuck on being your friend, but ah swear if you make her cry again then those bullies will be the least of your problems, understand?"
Yeesh you'd think she was talking to a crummy boyfriend or something! Seriously I’m not trying to schmooze on Pinkie, I don’t even want to be around her in the first place!
Sighing I calmed myself down and looked her straight in the eye.
“Look, I understand where you’re coming from, and I have no doubt you can kick my ass, but quit trying to scare me Okay? I don’t care if you hate me.”
She only deepened her scowl at this.
“I’ve said it from the beginning, I’m not trying to make friends here, so go ahead and hate away, I’m used to it. Maybe others will follow your suit and Pinkie can stop trying to integrate me.”
“You know that will upset her greatly right?!” she asked dangerously.
“No I didn’t mean, *sigh* look, Pinkie dragged me into this, and for her sake, I’ve been trying to paint her a picture in a way that she won’t get too upset. Thankfully she’s got one reasonable friend in you to help her see.”
“Say what now?” she asked, not understanding my meaning.
“You, you’re the reasonable one of this group I’ve seen so far. Rainbow, Twilight, and even Rarity keep trying to “play nice” and hound me, trying to force me to be friends because that’s what Pinkie wants, but not you. You gave me your honest opinion because you see me for how I really am.”
“And what’s that?” she asked intrigued.
“An asshole that just wants to be left alone,” I said plainly, “And you seem to be the only one willing to admit that.” She seemed surprised by my words, but before she could say anything, I continued.
“Look, I’m not going to try and make Pinkie cry, but she refuses to see the truth. So keep hating me and you’ll help her see eventually, and then I’ll be out of all your hairs,” I said matter of factly.
Maybe a bit crude perhaps, but she was blunt and truthful with me, so I repaid the kindness. My words though seemed to dumbfound her though, and though she looked at me in shock and even a bit of anger for my crassness, I thought I also detected a hint of pity.
“Ah…uh…” she stammered before we were both interrupted by a shout of,
"IT'S FOOD TIME!!!"
Ah! Who-what-where-why!? I stammered, having a mini-heart attack at the sudden appearance of Pinkie with a tray of sweets, a slightly burnt Rainbow and a giggling Rarity, all wearing aprons and chef’s hats.
"Sorry it took so long guys! I just had to make sure everything was perfectly delicious!"
"And I burned half of the ones we finished...again," Rainbow admitted guiltily, to which Pinkie patted her back.
"Aw, don't worry Dashie, we didn't even need to call the fire department to help this time!"
"That doesn't help Pinks,” Rainbow groaned.
With the comedy routine out of the way Pinkie and the rest sat at the table and placed the tray of goodies in the middle. Applejack gave me one last serious look, before she put on her “happy go lucky” friend mask and took a sweet.
What followed was painstakingly awkward small talk between the girls as I stayed ignored and shoveled food down my throat. Which I ultimately didn’t mind because those baked goods...ohhhh those snacks were pure deliciousness! Seriously I felt like my taste buds were melting from pure perfection.
"Enjoying yourself there pardner?" Applejack suddenly asked.
"Mff?"
Oh why do people always try to talk to someone when their mouth is clearly full!? I can never understand that, since it only embarrasses the person ea-and now I see what's going on here. You’re a sly one aren't ya?
But since I don't want to appear as rude, well rude for not having manners at least, I swallowed the food in my mouth before I said,
"Eh, it’s pretty good. Might actually come back here whenever I have some spare cash lying around."
And considering how much my mom gives me in allowance, despite my protest, that should be often…or at least as often when Pinkie isn’t on shift. Ignorant to my thoughts Pinkie just giggled and said,
"If you say so Mikey! Hey, we promised you a tour of the town right!?"
"No, you just nabbed me for some free food and then you said you'd take me home."
There was a few moments of silence before everyone started to laugh, which only caused me to grumble in annoyance.
"Heheh Nice try dude!” Rainbow said slapping my back causing me to cough up some crumbs. “Come on let’s get the tour started before it gets too late."
"Wait Rainbow darling, what about Twilight and Fluttershy, they still haven't arrived yet?"
"Well...about that-" Rainbow chuckled nervously.
"Twilight couldn't make it because of some new 'literature series' she found, and Fluttershy is volunteering at the Animal Shelter again,” Pinkie explained.
Rarity blinked a few times at that before she said,
"Oh, well in that case I do believe I know the perfect place to visit first. The-"
JUMP CUT HERE
"MALL!"
...
"Why'd you wait till we actually got here to finish that sentence?"
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Well it is good that Applejack can see the truth, the problem is many of her friends are to dense to pick up on the social cues. As for ideas he needs to be roped into one of Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belles, and Scootaloo’s madcap adventures that drive their respective sisters nuts. Personally it is time for Condiment Head to show back up and try to pull something.
Here is an idea that would probably ruin your story but would kind of be funny.. The next time he talks to ditzy and levels up their 'relationship bond' something whispers
"I am thou... Thou art I... From the sea of thy soul, I come... From the rebellion I came and yet I hath risen yet again, Thou hath gained the Pegasus persona
"The Scarecrow Arcana is now Maxed out"
Michael wasn't surprised he had went insane this quickly, he was surrounded by insane people on a daily basis and while becoming one of them wasn't on his list it happened anyway, welp time to face the music.
Michael will need forced Hang Out Time with Maude, and actually find her pleasant because she doesn't try to make small talk or talk at all and they enjoy the silence and read/study rocks.
Wait a minute... New school, meeting a bunch of girls in rapid succession, barely any male characters,
Oh my Celestia, Michael you're in a harem anime! That means you must follow these survival tips;
1. Don't Panic: If you don't stay calm, chances are you'll accidentally do something stupid that'll escalate the situation.
2. Knock on EVERY Door Before Entering: The last thing you want to do is walk in on a harem member in a state of undress as that'll result in her megaton punching you into the next continent
3. Be Aware of Your Surroundings: This way you'll not only not be surprised by a girl running/stumbling/falling into you bust or butt first, but you'll be able to maintain your own balance and thus avoid accidental groping.
4. Protect Your Head: Applejack and Rainbow Dash seem like the "Tsundere" character type and while your instincts say to protect your nards, they usually prefer to go for the head. A nutshot may be more painful, but short-term agony is better than brain damage that will lead to even more bad decisions in the long-run.
5. Don't Be a Total Jackass: Failure to heed this tip could result in one of the more mild or gentle members of your harem turning into a deadly obsessive "Yandere"
It would be funny if Michael comes to this conclusion on his own and thus tries to play by harem rules (aka the survival tips above), only to find out he's not in that kind of story so the advice backfires.
I must admit that i really enjoyd the talk he had with Applejack.
"You gave me your honest opinion because you see me for how I really am.”
“And what’s that?” she asked intrigued.
“An asshole that just wants to be left alone,”
Straight to the point and completly honest, loved it.
I can't believe I liked this fic. Like seriously, it's fun to read dammit! Just use Lawrence Sonntag as your Michael Bacon and you're done!
Still, I like this.
Now this kind of stuff is what I seriously looking for! An actual weighted conversation that doesn't feel too forced nor overexplained. It flowed naturally from the previous scene, and damn if I don't say that I like his bluntness.
Now, to know why he's so averse to making friends.