Episode 14: Vice-Principal Luna; Judge, Jury, and Moron
There’s been worse ways I started off a school day in the past, but this…this made the top twenty.
Being called to the office wasn’t anything new to me either. At my old schools, I’d been around the block with the principals, guidance counselors, behavioral experts and other utterly useless figure heads due to my “extreme” anti-bully methods. Apparently goading morons into hitting you so that they get in trouble can be considered disruptive behavior. Maybe if they’d done their damn jobs and actually solved the problems, then I wouldn’t have had to resort to such things.
But anyway, like I said, not my first rodeo. I’d even been to Canterlot’s offices just last week due to the...incident at the party, and we all know how that turned out. Though at least with those times, I knew why I was called.
Maybe they found out I was just playing hooky last Friday somehow?, I theorized to myself as I walked the empty hallways. Though the only ones that knew that were Pinkie, Flubber and Rainbow…Well, Rainbow is dumb enough to say something stupid like that aloud, so who knows.
As I walked towards an uncertain end, I grew increasingly annoyed by the idiots that stared at me through the classroom windows. Apparently the infamous new kid and one of the biggest bullies getting called out over the intercom was more important than their teacher’s gabbing. Some of them weren’t even subtle about it and stuck their heads out the door to look at me with their smirks and intrigue.
And it’s times like these that I wish more teachers were like Ms. Harshwhinny. She may be a dictator, but she doesn’t take crap like this, I grumbled to myself as the sheep spread their gossip. Seriously, this isn’t some once in a lifetime show, mind your own damn business!
Thankfully my patented 'Buzz off idiots' glare worked it’s charm as they all flinched and went back to whatever the hell they were doing before I walked by.
I actually am starting to miss my old school at this point, at least the assholes at that place knew how to hide the fact that they were watching me for one reason or another!
On top of the annoying ass stares, and the occasional mocking comment from said jerks, my phone kept buzzing like crazy. And after a widespread announcement, I had no doubts to who it was.
Oh for-Come On Pinkie! Quit blowing up my phone! I thought with irritation. I still didn’t even know how she’d gotten my number in the first place, and the fact that I hadn’t blocked her yet was seeming like a real oversight on my part. And as the buzzing continued on my mysterious walk of shame, I gave in and pulled the annoyance out.
Oh you’ve got to be kidding me. Son of a-
On the plus side, I was wrong, it wasn’t Pinkie spamming me. But on the down side, it was a much, much worse situation. A bunch of unknown numbers flooded my inbox, all of them asking what was going on?
Damn It Pinkie! I didn’t tell you you could pass my numbers to your friends! ARGH!
Aside from Twilight and Rainbow, who conveniently gave a heads up to who they were, the rest of the numbers just asked if everything was okay and stuff. In total, there were 4 numbers texting me, and suspiciously, Pinkie wasn’t one of them. That curiosity aside, I figured the other absent one was Applejack since she, you know, hated me and stuff.
Well this is just great! I huffed. Now I’ve got to change numbers before the Rejects or Shimmer write it on a bathroom stall for shits and giggles. Agh, but I can’t change it again! Four times in one year will get Mom’s attention!
Groaning some more, I shut off the phone without replying to any of them, which I knew would drive Twilight nuts.
With any luck I'll only get a minor lecture for not responding...Wait No! What am I thinking!? Screw that! I’m not gonna listen to any of her whining after this fiasco! I thought with determination. Pinkie’s forced camaraderie seemed to be getting to me, so I had to be more careful not to let it reach me subconsciously. A bad movie marathon could cure that.
After nodding at that plan with conviction, I continued my trek past the peanut gallery till I reached the Vice Principal’s office. Having already been here once, I was still no less intrigued about how her door was the only one in the school that was purple. It even had some sort of family crest or something in the shape of the moon hanging above it. Some people are just egotistical I guess. But, out of place or not, the door was closed, which we all know means Sit Your Ass Down and Wait. There were some uncomfortable wooden chairs to the side, but I was a bit hesitant to sit down, and it had nothing to do with their lack of cushioning.
For there, sitting on one of the chairs, casting a nasty heated glare at me was Shimmer. I had no doubt that had she had the power, I would’ve spontaneously burst into flames from her gaze. Thankfully, I had been prepared for it since last Friday, only I had expected to receive it in History, not first thing in the morning.
And now this whole thing is just adding more fuel to the fire, great, I thought tiredly as I made my way towards her. I knew she was smart enough to rein in her true self this close to authority, so I wasn’t worried about being hit. Though at the same time, I reminded myself that she lost the nerve to actually hit me when she had the chance last week.
With that in mind I just shrugged off Shimmer's glare before I snarked,
"What's with the look? I'd thought you'd be happy to see me?"
"About as happy to see you as I am being near those Dazzle Tramps, which if your tiny brain can't understand means not at all," she growled out as her glare deepened.
I just gave her a mock hurt look as I sat down, making sure to keep a seat between us, just in case.
"Aw, I missed you too. Sorry I couldn't see ya last week, I got caught up in avoiding the school like the plague so I missed the bus."
"Do you have any idea how embarrassing it was for me!?” she seethed through clenched teeth. “Everybody was staring and whispering about me and how I 'picked up a new play toy!' I haven't been this embarrassed since junior high!"
Hello interesting tidbit that needs more info for future blackmail...
Making sure to mentally tab that information slip for later I rolled my eyes before saying,
"Well gee Condiment Head, I guess I wouldn't know that...oh wait, I do! In fact I bet there are plenty of people you know who go through that daily!" My little jab at Shimmer's bullying managed to make the girl flinch slightly, much to my surprise considering I had her pegged as being a bit more steeled.
"That's beside the point you idiot! The whole student body thinks I'm dating a loser like you. My rep around the school has taken a major dive because of this, and it’s going to take forever to regain my proper standing!"
"Well it's not all sunshine and rainbows for me either! You think I want these morons thinking I’m with someone like you?” I said with a roll of my eyes.
“You’re not that lucky! But yeah, I had to deal with idiocy like that and more last Friday all by myself! An entire day of it!"
“Yeah, maybe you should have gotten sick like I did,” I snarked. “I saw the coming storm and hunkered down.”
“I didn’t know there was a damn video!” she threw her hands up. “You being gone only made things worse!”
"Right, and that's my fault because...?"
"If you hadn't skipped school, I wouldn't have had to deal with the full brunt of it! I could have pushed it off to your dumbass, or make up some kind of story to get more attention on you!" she huffed, her eyes twitching in annoyance.
"Wait, you’re telling me you didn't spread any weird rumors?” I asked in actual curiosity. “I figured that half of the looks I was getting was because of you trying to save face. My presence would have put a dampener on that, so shouldn't it have been easier that way?"
I swear the light from the ceiling was playing tricks on me, because I could have sworn for a second that Shimmer actually blushed in embarrassment.
"Th-that's beside the point! I had to deal with a bunch of morons thinking I'd willingly go anywhere with you, all because you decided to ditch and leave me to suffer the brunt of it all!"
"Whelp, there's a lesson for ya then. Never mess with me, or the powers of a public incident in the modern age, and maybe stuff like this won’t happen," I said unsympathetically.
Shimmer's face contorted into rage, and I thought for a second that was actually going to start the shouting match. But she either realized where she was or thought it wasn't worth her time as she just gave a deep, annoyed sigh before turning away from me and continued glaring at the wall.
For the next few minutes there was a tense silence between the two of us, with nothing but the monotonous ticking of the clock to distract us. Eventually too much time passed and I started to get antsy, with my foot even tapping in synch with the time piece.
Geeze, it’s been ten minutes already! How long is that VP going to keep us waiting? Why are we even here again?!
Deciding information outweighed getting my head bitten off, I turned back to my bully.
"So…” I trailed off trying to catch her attention, but she still didn’t look at me. “Any idea why Vice Principal Luna called us down, or why she’s making us wait so long?"
Surprisingly Sunset actually responded without insulting me.
"No clue on both accounts. My only guess is that some idiot got her attention after she called us down and she's dealing with them first,” she waved dismissively towards the door before she gave me a curious glance. “As for why she called us down, I honestly thought you did something over the weekend about the video and she called us down to get our side of the story."
"Me?” I all but gasped in surprise. “All I did was game all weekend and do some last minute homework. I figured you hunted down the kid who took the video and threatened them to take it down.”
“Wh-What?” she said taken aback. “One of those little kids took the video?”
“Yeah, you didn’t know?”
“No,” she answered.
“Oh…so you didn’t go after some Elementary school twerp and make them wet themselves so much that their parents are now suing?”
"Wha-!? Why would I go that far?!” she asked in outrage.
“Uh, because you’re the type to do anything to get your way?” I pointed out to which she frowned.
“I’m not so stupid to go after little kids moron,” she glared at me as if I’d insulted her honor.
“Really? Then what are the two little toadies that follow you around?”
“Snips and Snails are middle schoolers, not to mention idiots, so that’s a huge difference,” she argued and my head swam from trying to comprehend that justification.
“Eh, whatever helps you sleep at night Condi-“
“Stop calling me that!” she hissed and I smirked.
“Oh sorry, how about She-Devil? I’ve heard that one thrown around a few times.”
"Ugh, please don't remind me of that title. Of all the damned names they could pick..."
“I don’t know, fits you just as much as my nickname,” I shrugged.
“Oh it does does it?” she curled her hands. “Well guess what, thanks to the rumor mill, you get to share that title, She-Devil Lover!”
“Sh-She-Devil Lo…Really?” I stuttered. “That’s really what they’re going with?”
“Yeah, not so funny now is it?” she huffed and crossed her arms.
“No, it’s just idiotic. How could they possibly believe that you and me are…Just how?!” I stammered in disbelief.
“I’ve been asking myself that same question for the last 4 days Bacon,” she said with a roll of her eyes.
“I just…Ugh,” I facepalmed and shook my head.
First Chicken Sauce, and now this? And I thought my derivative names for others were bad…
We sat for another few minutes in silence as I processed the stupid gossip.
“It’s not even a good nickname. It doesn’t roll off the tongue at all,” I said rubbing my forehead.
“Well just like you, the students here are creatively uncreative,” she rolled her eyes.
"You're telling me. I mean, it’s not even alliterative. I was expecting something like 'Shimmer's Sweetiemuffin' or something gross like that," I admitted which got a snort out of her.
"Right? Or maybe some stupid combo like 'Sunset's Sauce,'" she quipped.
"What, do you own a hot sauce stand?” I actually chuckled. “You want a combo name, then it would have been 'Sunike' or 'Shimcon,' ya know like those ship names online?"
To my surprise Sunset actually laughed at this, which in turned caused me to laugh as well. It was strange, considering she seemed ready to rip me a new one just a few moments earlier. I also couldn't help but recall the whole movie theater incident, but thankfully before things could reach those awkward levels again we both seemed to realize what was happening.
Coughing into her fist, she plastered a scowl back on her face. “Well whatever the case, the lame name they came up with is what we’ve got till I squash this insubordination.”
“Spoken like a true dictator,” I deadpanned, going back to my neutral expression. Nature was rebalanced at that point, as Predator and Prey should never be chummy.
"Ugh! I can't believe I have to deal with youridiocy right now,” she groaned.
"Well I can't believe I’ve got to spend my morning around you!” I shot back.
"And I can't believe it's not butter!”
"GAH!?" both Sunset and I eeped in surprise at the new voice in the conversation.
“I mean, really, you would think it was, but it’s not!”
“Freaking-Where the hell did you even come from Pinkie!?” I asked, clutching at my thumping chest.
“Hehehe, that’s easy silly! I came out of the Vice Principal’s office!” she said, pointing to the open purple door behind her.
Huh, looks like Shimmer’s guess was spot on. An idiot did get brought in before us.
Shimmer seemed to share my assessment if her eye roll was anything to go by, as well as her even more annoyed face.
“Right…I guess you’re constant hyper idiocy finally caught up with you huh?”
“No no, nothing that bad. It’s not a Code Pink situation Mikey,” she handwaved and my eye just twitched.
“You have an actual school violation dedicated solely to you? Why am I not surprised?”
“But you were surprised just a few minutes ago,” she giggled annoyingly and I sighed. She then invaded my personal space and whispered. “By the way, don’t ask anything more about Code Pink. The school board made me Pinkie Promise to never tell anyone, so I have to keep it all hush hush.”
That...that just raises so many more questions.
So dumbfounded by Pinkie's 'explanation' I didn't even bother to push her away like usual and instead just sat looking at her like she just grew a second head. As for Pinkie, she just giggled at my stupefied face before leaning away from me.
"So whatcha doing out here Mikey? Shouldn’t you be in class?” she asked before her eyes sparkled with amazement. “Oh! Did you pull some super duper awesome prank on someone and now you have to face the man!? Oh oh, or did you help stop some mean bully by battling them in some awesome brawl and now you’re here healing your wounds, both physical and emotional, while the bully heals in the nurse's office!?"
I could only stare blankly at Pinkie and her ramblings, and before I could even begin to think of a response, Sunset beat me to it.
"Cool your jets weirdo, neither of us knows why we're here." Apparently Pinkie only noticed the bully after she spoke because her eyes widened and her jaw dropped in shock as she gasped. She began shakily pointing back and forth between me and Sunset as her lips began to tremble.
"Wha-wha-wha-what are you doing here Sunset!?"
"Are you deaf now you pastry obsessed nimrod, or were your ears so full of frosting that you missed the PA system going off?" Sunset said as she rolled her eyes in annoyance. "Me and this loser got called down by the VP for something this dipshit did."
"What She-Bitch means is that we got called down here for something she did and probably put the blame on me to get the heat off of her!" I shot back, sending her a glare.
And thus me and Sunset went back to our little staring contest of hatred, while Pinkie nervously twiddled her thumbs, which was odd. I may not have had the displeasure of knowing Pinkie for long, but if there was one thing I had picked up about her, it was that she had the knack of making a comment, or just doing something bizarrely annoying to distract everyone from the current topic. I guess when it came to Sunset though, things were different.
"Ahem," a 'cough' interrupted our stare down. Both our visions were drawn to the Vice Principal with her arms crossed, observing us with a raised brow.
And we meet again Ms. Long Legs the Second, I thought as my eyes involuntarily went to said legs. Now don’t get the wrong idea, I wasn’t checking her out or anything, it’s just that she and the Principal both had freakishly long legs that seemed to take up more than half their body. They were the answer to the question, Hey girl, how far up do those legs go?
Seeing that she had our attention, she spoke in a very authoritative voice,
"If the two of you are done with your lover’s quarrel please join me in my office." Her stern look softened slightly as she turned her gaze towards Pinkie before saying, "As for you Ms. Pie, I do hope this will be the last time I have to tell you that causing a 'Cupcake Bomb of Happiness' to cheer the students up is not allowed during school hours. Now back to class with you."
With her piece said the vice principal walked back into her office, ignoring both mine and Sunset’s heated denial/gagging of her calling us…that! Apparently our rebuttal managed to snap Pinkie out of whatever shocked induced daze she was in as well.
"Wai-wait a second! Time out! Hold on, stop the presses! Just what the heck is going on!? The V-Principal is never that cold towards anyone! Just what the heck did you two do!?"
First off, V-principal? Really? This school even has it’s own slang, just how dumb can this place get!? Secondly, what the hell do you mean by that? You’re telling me she doesn't always sound like some hard ass? And finally, YOU MADE A FREAKING CUPCAKE BOMB!?
Oblivious to my thoughts Pinkie continued to try and pry info out of the both of us, which were answers we didn't have. Deciding to save myself from an even further headache than the one I already had, I stood up and made my way into the office with a reluctant Sunset following after me.
The last I saw of Pinkie was her waving her arms around in an over exaggerated confused manner as the door shut behind us.
You know, usually there is nothing worse than being stuck sitting across the principal in awkward silence as they silently judge you for doing something stupid. You get all anxious and start to sweat, wondering what's going on through their head. You start thinking things like 'how did I get caught?' or 'what's my punishment going to be?' or the biggest, most terrifying thought in existence...
Are they going to call my parents?
I mean it’s just basic psychology really. Being looked down on or judged by an authority sucks and all, but when that authority figure is the person who helped raise you? That's when you get kicked hard in the gut with guilt and wonder if it’s possible to curl up into a ball and try and vanish from this plain of existence.
At least those are the usual kinds of feelings one feels when they’re called into the principal’s office and are forced to awkwardly sit quietly in front of them.
This...this was not one of those situations. Oh I was sitting in awkward silence next to even more awkward silent Sunset for sure. But, well...how do I put this?
The vice-principal of this school is a total try hard.
The lights in the room were turned off with the only light source coming from the window which was obscured by blinds. Horizontal strips of shadow and light fell across the room giving the illusion that we were in a poorly filmed Noir movie, and not even a so bad it’s good one to boot. She was even dramatically looking through said blinds with her back to us, as if she were looking for witnesses or something.
Is she for real? No wonder The Dazzlings get away with so much if this is how she tries to be intimidating. But why the hell is she giving this charade to us?
The previous week, her office had been brightly lit and she left the door open, so clearly this time she felt she had to treat me differently, but I was still clueless as to why. I shared a look with Shimmer who just shrugged as the VP continued to stare out the window. Since neither of us wanted to interrupt her in her state of Zen, I just started to examine the room to kill time more than anything. From what few things that stood out in that office, it was clear she had a gothic moon motif.
I mean, her name’s Luna and she’s got moon imagery everywhere, narcissist much? I thought as I looked at her ornate name stand. Also, the principal’s name is Celestia, I wonder if she’s got like star decorations or something?
"I hope you both understand why I've called you done to my office?" she spoke, interrupting my thoughts and making me jolt a bit. With our attention back on her she turned around to face us with folded arms and a stern look. Seeing as how she was done with her 'Unnerving' silent contemplation, I answered her.
"Actually, I have no clue why I'm here, but I'm sure Condi-I mean Sunset here did whatever it is you think I did."
"I truly don't understand why I'm here dear Vice Principal Luna,” Sunset said in her false sweet voice. “I was just minding my own business giving back to this wonderful school that has taught me so much. I'm sure this is all some big misunderstanding caused by Mr. Bacon."
We both went with the age old 'blame the other person' idea used by kids the world over, but since we both pushed the other under the bus at the same time we ended up glaring at each other again. This time our little glaring contest was cut short when the vice principal huffed in annoyance, drawing our attention back to her even sterner glare.
"So you both are denying any involvement in today’s incident, is that right?"
Our confusion was evident since it was completely genuine, but this only appeared to irk her more. With a sigh of annoyance, she reached into her desk and pulled out a folder. Upon opening it, she took out a handful of photos and set them before us.
"The both of you are the main suspects in the defacing of the school’s beloved mascot statue,” she said coldly. Sure enough, the pictures were of the graffitied statue I’d ignored that morning. To say that Sunset and I were shocked by this accusation would be an understatement.
“Wh-What?!” Shimmer exclaimed, while I stayed silent.
“I brought the two of you here to plead your case, and in the best case scenario admit to being behind this heinous act which would work out better for the both of you."
Geeze, with the way she's talking you'd think we committed murder or something, I thought with silent malice. I was absolutely pissed that I was being accused of this petty bullcrap, but I knew better than to show that to a teacher or principal, even if they were saying dumb shit. Sunset, on the other hand, had no such restraint apparently.
"What in the world are you talking about?!” she yelped out indignantly. “Why would you think I would do something like that!?"
So much for the sweet, innocent girl act Shim Shim, I thought with a roll of my eyes.
“So, you do deny it then?” Luna asked with a raised brow.
“Of course I do! I would never do that to the Wondercolt! I love that stupid horse!” she responded rather heatedly.
Seriously, what’s up with the fanatical school spirit here? I thought in puzzlement. Sunset sounded completely honest and outraged at the accusation, and I for the life of me had never seen such devotion to a pointless mascot outside of a few jock meatheads.
The VP only raised a skeptical brow at the fiery haired girl before casting her gaze towards me.
“And you Mr. Bacon? Do you deny involvement as well?”
“Yeah I deny it Ms. Luna,” I told her plainly. “I don’t know why you think I’m a suspect, but I didn’t mess with that horse.”
She closed her eyes and sighed in that ‘I expected this, yet I’m still disappointed’ way that is so aggravating. Even Sunset caught onto the fact that she’d already made up her mind that she thought we were guilty.
“I swear it Ms. Luna! I don’t know about him, but I didn’t graffiti the Wondercolt!” she pleaded.
Sighing again, she sat down and shook her head. “Alright then, I gave you a chance.”
That blasé attitude made me even more pissed.
Are you for real lady?! I thought but dared not say.
“But Ms. Luna-“ Sunset started but she was interrupted.
“Several students this morning have come forth and fingered you two as the culprits,” she said plainly.
“What? But-“
“And it was not just some small group, but several from different cliques and clubs, all saying that Sunset Shimmer and Michael Bacon were responsible.”
“Ms. Luna, in all fairness do you have any actual proof besides some people claiming this to be true?” I asked, not entirely keeping the heat out of my words.
God damn lying pricks all around this place, and this moron believes them!
"Well Mr. Bacon, if you must know there is plenty of proof to suggest the two of you are behind this. But if it would make you feel better I suppose I can list it out to you."
I couldn't stop myself from glaring slightly at her demeaning tone, as she took out a piece of paper from the folder and began to read off it.
“Now, I don’t just go off of word of mouth you two, I look at the facts. And the fact is, both of you have had documented records in your past involving spray paint and the defacement of private property, especially you Mr. Bacon.”
Oh god damn it! I winced as I knew what she was talking about. It was one of the few times I’d gotten caught in my vengeance pranks on my bullies at previous schools. Pro tip, if you’re gonna graffiti some asshole’s locker, backpack and bike, check for cameras first, or otherwise your parents have to pay a huge fine and you gotta transfer to a new school. Elementary school was a rocky learning stage for my skills.
“And from the records, your motivation was vengeance.”
I didn’t answer her, since my defense of ‘They Broke My Cell Phone in Front of Me’ didn’t fly in the past, so why would it now?
“Hey wait a minute, I was just painting a mural!” Shimmer argued. “I wasn’t the only one to paint one that day!”
“A mural on a building that didn’t belong to you, and which you were fined by the city police Ms. Shimmer,” Luna responded and she grit her teeth.
A mural? Like she was actually making art or something? I thought curiously before shaking my head from such thoughts. More likely that was her excuse when she was caught.
“Just because I drew something in the past doesn’t mean-“ Sunset started but was cut off again.
“There’s also the fact that there is photographic proof,” she claimed.
“What?” Sunset stammered.
Oh bullshit! I mentally complained.
"Based on our school’s security system, and because of the stormy weather over the weekend, the statue was defaced between midnight last night and five o’clock this morning when the janitorial crew arrived. Now we don’t have a full angle of that section, but we did pick up something interesting,” she said showing the photo to us.
The grainy photo had the time at 1:14 AM, and it only showed the very tip top part of the horse’s head, but no clear view on it’s base. It mostly showed the parking lot.
“Is this the best angle you have? This shows nothing,” I pointed out.
And what kind of building doesn't have rotating cameras in this day and age?
“Oh doesn’t it?” Luna smirked conspiratorially which made me want to smack her. She turned to Sunset with the same smirk, “Ms. Shimmer, is this not your vehicle?”
Sunset paled a bit as the vice principal tapped her finger at the edge of the parking lot at a red car.
“Th-That is my car,” she admitted. “B-But that’s just a coincidence!”
“A coincidence? A coincidence that you, a suspect, were driving by this early in the morning on a school night around the time this heinous act took place?”
“Yes!” she shouted.
“Then why were you driving past this time?” Luna inquired.
“I was…I was driving home,” Shimmer said, though she sounded embarrassed.
Wait, did she actually do this? I wondered.
“From where Ms. Shimmer?” Luna grilled.
“Just, I was out for a drive to cool my head,” she said, and even I could see she was clearly hiding something.
You bitch, if you’re behind this then just admit it and don’t drag me down with you you-
“I see,” Luna said, clearly not believing her.
“Hey, if you’ve got proof on her that’s fine, but you’ve got nothing to prove I was there, or that I even had a reason,” I argued, throwing her under the bus even more.
“That’s where you’re wrong Mr. Bacon,” she said condescendingly as she pulled out a different photo showing what looked like a blown up cell phone picture, and what I saw made my blood boil. Emptied ketchup and mustard bottles on the ground, with it’s contents spilled on the surrounding concrete and grass, though not a drop on the statue itself.
“Are you kidding me?” I asked with a glare. Now I knew someone was setting me up.
“I’m sure I don’t need to remind you of the resolved incident involving Ms. Dazzle, Blaze and Dusk last week-“
“Resolved?!” I accused.
“But this is a clear indication of your involvement.”
“I…Just…NO!” I grunted, my frustration getting the better of me. “This means nothing! Those bi…Jerks were the ones to smear me with that!”
“And as your records show, you’re not above taking vengeance,” she said matter of factly.
“Well maybe if you’d actually done something about them I’d-“ I cut myself off as she glared at me for calling her out. Try hard or not, she still had all the power and was somewhat terrifying. “I mean…that’s not proof enough!”
“From footprints around the base, we know that there were at least two culprits, one wearing men’s shoes, and one women’s. And seeing as how you two have been seen together outside of school making trouble before, I think the evidence speaks for itself.”
“But I don’t even hang out with him!” Sunset argued. “I-We Didn’t Do This!”
“Oh really? What about that video of you two getting into a verbal altercation with those Crystal Prep students on your little date?” she asked smugly.
"THAT WASN'T A DATE!"
"WE ARE NOT A COUPLE DAMN IT!"
All attempts to keep our composure went out the window at that. Her circumstantial evidence aside, the fact that she would believe even that stupid rumor just pushed me over the edge. Our outbursts actually wiped that smug look off her face though.
“Oh, my apologies, I just thought-“
“Well you’re wrong about this and me and her!” I growled. “She’s a stuck up evil jerk, and I wouldn’t be caught dead with her!”
“Oh please, you couldn’t pay me to date a loser like you!” she snarled back.
"Alright, that is enough out of both of you!” the VP shouted, ending our argument. “Whether you’re dating or not, the fact is you both have caused mischief outside of school together, and this was not three days ago.”
“But it’s all circumstantial!” I argued back.
“And those Crystal Prep jerks were the ones to start that argument in the theatre anyway!” Sunset added.
“That may be so, but circumstantial or not, all of these paint a picture that’s clear enough to see for the school board,” she said as she closed the folder.
“Huh?” Sunset gaped.
“The board has been phoning the principal for the last few hours demanding someone face the consequences, and quite frankly, they feel the evidence speaks for itself.”
I clenched my teeth and fists in anger at that statement.
So basically you’re throwing the new kid under the bust to save your ass! I thought with outrage.
Someone had framed me, and I knew it was targeted to me at least with the gossip and the condiment bottles, but they didn’t want to see that. This moronic woman was throwing together all the stitched pieces of “evidence” and trying to appease a bunch of grumpy assholes who wanted a scapegoat. I didn’t know about Shimmer, but I had done nothing wrong, but they didn’t care so long as someone paid for their stupid horse!
I thought this school was idiotic before, but this is a whole new level of bullshit! Just what the fu-
"Vice Principal Luna! You can't actually believe that this is the best solution, can you?" Sunset asked in such a desperate tone it managed to reach me even through my anger. Glancing to her I was surprised to see that her eyes were actually glistening slightly as if she was about to bawl. Now, I know crocodile tears. I’d seen my fair of Mean Girl types utilize them for sympathy or for frame jobs, but Sunset…Sunset was legitimately about to cry. Just like when I saw her laughing in the theater, it threw me for a loop as this wasn’t anything like the girl who had been trying and failing to make my life a living hell.
Wait, are you sad for getting caught or…are you getting framed as well?
Luna’s demeanor changed slightly as well as a look of sympathy seemed to come across her.
Wait a damn minute! Do YOU not even believe what you’ve been schilling? I thought in outrage and befuddlement.
But before Sunset could cry, or I could voice my suspicions, or Luna could offer a word of comfort, the door opened.
“Oh little Lulu, is that the sweet sound of lamentation I hear?” asked a carefree voice filled with nothing but humor.
Now, to say the mood in the room did a total 180 would be an understatement. The VP’s cold façade broke into annoyance and embarrassment, while Sunset and I left our despair and anger in favor of bewilderment. Because how else do you respond to your Geography teacher interrupting such a dire situation?
“Distorted? What are you doing here?” Luna asked in perplexity to the wildly dressed grey haired man.
“Oh certainly not eavesdropping on your little kangaroo court, that would just be rude wouldn’t it Lulu?” he said with a grin before flicking on the lights and blinding all three of us.
Jesus! A little warning next time teach! I grumbled as I rubbed my eyes as Sunset did the same. Luna grumbled as her vision cleared and she glared at Mr. D as he closed the door and sauntered into the room.
“I’m very busy at the moment Mr. Distorted, and why aren’t you in your classroom?” she huffed.
“Oh, I just needed a quick bathroom break, but lo and behold I hear raised voices coming from your office, so I thought to myself, ‘What’s Lulu up to?’”
“I’ve already told you a million times to stop with that nickname!” she exclaimed
“Oh, but who needs professionalism between friends? Come on, give it a try, call me by my moniker so I’m not left out,” he pleaded in a bubbly manner, as he leaned on her desk next to me. After the grilling we’d just gone through, I couldn’t believe that the try hard VP could blush that much in embarrassment, it was surreal.
"For the last time Mr. Distorted, the work place is not a time for your jo-"
"You know, I remember when you first got this desk,” he interrupted her tangent as he caressed said furniture. “It was made of mahogany if I remember correctly. I do so love that word. Mahogany…”
The Vice Principal actually growled at Mr. D's interrupting remark before she forced herself to take a deep breath.
"Now Mr. Distorted, why are you he-"
"Mahogany," he said whilst still looking at the desk.
"...Mr. Distorted please-"
"Ma-hog-any," he emphasized
"Mr. Distorte-"
"Ma...hog...any.”
"Dist-"
"Mah-"
"SHUT UP DISCORD!" she yelled at the top of her lungs which shook me a bit, but Mr. D only responded with a smile.
“There, that wasn’t so hard now was it?” he said with a trollish grin and the VP groaned and facepalmed.
What...the hell...did I just witness!? I thought, completely lost to what was happening. Sunset fared no better as she gaped and looked between both adults.
In only a few seconds, the kooky Geography teacher had completely flipped the atmosphere of the entire room, and none of us even knew why.
Also, Discord? That’s a pretty odd nickname.
“Ok, Discord,” she said with disdain. “Why are you in my office?”
"Oh I'm hurt Loony Luna Lunason, truly I am! How could you possibly not know why I'm here?" he overdramatically said as he held his hands on his chest in mock hurt.
“With you, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s just for the hell of it,” she snarled.
“My, what venom you’re spitting today. Are you still mad Celestia and I didn’t invite you to that Brazilian Steakhouse with us?”
“What you and my sister do together is no concern to me!” Luna bellowed, clearly proving his point. Mr. D smirked and turned and slung his arms around Sunset and I.
“She loves being a third wheel when she can,” he said slyly with a wink as she groaned.
You’re dating the Principal? I mean…good on you I guess, but…huh. My brain tried to process the prim and proper long legged Amazonian principal being together with the sloppily dressed snaggle-toothed weirdo. And on top of that, she and Luna are sisters? That’s bias in the power system if I ever saw it.
"Now Lulu, my love life with your sister is neither here or there. I'm here to help you take care of our little trouble twosome here!" he said giving our shoulders a wiggle.
"I don’t need your help, I have things perfectly handled here,” she responded angrily. “In fact, I was just about to hand down their punishment before you interrupted me."
"Tsk tsk tsk, I can't believe you’re giving into those spoil sports on the school board so easily. Weren't you the one going on and on about how 'injustice is the sure fire way to killing a good school environment?' and how you'd 'fight to prove the guilty are truly guilty, 100% with no room for error?' Seems this whole situation reeks of possible error," Mr. D said in a tone oozing with slime, and making me reconsider him on my teacher threat level as higher than it was before.
To the Vice Principal’s credit, she had the courtesy to flinch at being called out before she responded,
“I’m not giving in…” she said unsurely.
“Oh really? You didn’t just find your little sacrifices here at ‘Scapegoats R Us?’” he asked smugly, causing her to purse her lips. “Even to a guy like me, that’s cold.”
Are…are we actually being defended? I thought in awe.
“The evidence they’ve reviewed-“
“Oh Objection and all that Detective Gumshoe,” he interrupted. “Sometimes the truth isn’t black and white, it’s in shades of red and yellow.” He emphasized this by flicking a curl of Sunset’s hair which she twitched at.
“Be that as it may, they require results sooner rather than-“
“Oh, those namby pambies can go stick a cinnamon sugar flavored fork in it. The last I checked, you and Celly ran the school, not them. Who are they to demand order, far from the screaming hormone addled horde we deal with on a daily basis?”
Even as confused as I was, I had mad respect for his candor. Being a snarky asshole is an art, and even I knew this guy was leagues ahead of me. Case in point, Luna’s face became stoic as she just stared at Mr. D.
"Well what do you propose then Discord?" she asked sternly. At this his sly smirk grew into a wicked grin that unsettled me and even Sunset due to it’s proximity.
"Why my dear, delusional Luna, I suggest a simple bet to solve all our troubles."
"A bet!” Sunset spoke up in alarm. “Mr. D, we’re being wrongfully accused and you want to turn this into a ga-" Sunset was cut off as he held hand in front of her face, shutting her up.
“Ah, ah, ah, let Defense Attorney Discord handle this child,” he said playfully before turning back to Luna. "Here's the bet Lulu, let's give these two little trouble makers a week to find out who the real culprit behind the crime is.”
“Find the real culprit?” Luna asked skeptically.
“Well, assuming they didn’t do it of course,” he added as he sent a questioning eyebrow at me and Sunset which caused us both to shiver in dread.
“And if they did?” she asked.
“Well if they’re guilty or they fail, then whatever punishment you had in mind will work and appease those School Board Cultists. Either way, at least there’s chance as opposed to this farce.”
Is…is this actually happening? Is this real life? I thought as my head span.
“So, you’re asking me to allow two suspects, with a history of delinquency, to have free reign on campus to search for something that may or may not exist?” she asked with extreme skepticism.
“Free reign? Oh, you insult me,” he said dramatically placing the back of his hand against his forehead. “You think I would just let my picks for the derby just wander about without giving them reins, a saddle, sugar cubes and telling them they’re good horsies? I think not.”
“What are you…?” Luna started, but he continued.
“I will personally be in charge of the little twerps the entire time. And should I be busy with my classes, I will pick a trusted student of mine be their liaison.”
Luna just stared in silence at his enthusiasm for a few heartbeats as Sunset and I tried our damndest to grasp the chaotic situation.
“If it helps, they won’t be missing their classes either, but I think Lunch Period and After Hours are more than generous enough for the likes of them,” he added, giving a scholarly flourish to his words.
Again, the Vice Principal didn’t respond, though by the shifting of her eyes, I felt like she was actually considering the pros and cons.
There is no way this is going to work, and even if it did the amount of backlash the school will get from it wou-
"If you’re still not convinced then I'm sure Celly would love to see that picture of you at that Metal Concert when you were supposed to be at last week’s board me-"
"Alright you've convinced me Discord!” she yelped with wide eyes. “I'll give them a week to bring me proof that they are, in fact, not the ones behind this incident!"
-Or that can happen too. Also, she’s a metal head? I would have figured punk rocker, I thought, blinking owlishly by this sudden turn of events.
“Y-You mean it?” Sunset gasped out, still not quite convinced that we were being given a golden opportunity.
“Of course she does Shimmy,” he said in a cooing baby voice. “Lulu has always been a woman of her word…” Luna grit her teeth at that, but instead of retorting, she looked back at the two of us.
"Mr. Bacon and Ms. Shimmer, as Mr. Distorted said you'll have one week to bring me and by extension the school proof that neither of you vandalized the The Wondercolt statue. You'll be given free access to the entire building during your respective lunch periods and after school so long as you have Mr. Distorted or his appointed student with you. If neither of you manage to give any proof before the deadline..." she trailed off as she leaned over the desk and stared into our souls.
There was no tryhardness this time, she was being legit.
"You will both be tasked with cleaning and removing the damage done to the statue, as well as issued a week of in-school suspension. I will also have to phone both of your parents to inform them of what you've done, and to top it off, both of you will have to write an essay detailing what you did wrong and how you plan to atone for it. The length, level of grammar, and the grading of the essay will be handled by Ms. Harshwhinny."
My eyes definitely widened in fear at that. In-school suspension and manual labor were the least of my concerns, but my mom getting called and having my fate presided over by Ms. Harshwhinny was certain doom.
Harshwhinny, unlike Luna, didn’t even have to try to make me feel like a small insect looking down the barrel of bug spray. Getting on her bad side, even if it was just a minor annoyance, would make English even more of a pain than it already was. And don’t even get me started on my mom.
She was overprotective of me, and had a habit of spoiling me without my consent (I.E. My own house instead of just an apartment.) But the last thing I wanted was to piss her off after only being at this school for not even a full month. Worst case scenario, she would let me have it for doing something so stupid as to graffiti school property again. Even I had to admit, what was done to the statue sounded like something I would do. An even worse scenario would be she took my side, and would try and sue the pants off the school, making even more of a ruckus and causing me even more grief for having that kind of parent.
Suffice to say, as ridiculous and out of nowhere that this opportunity was, I jumped on it immediately.
And so, both Sunset and I nodded in agreement to the terms and conditions.
“Very well then. Return to your classes,” she waved us out.
“Thank you so much Lulupalooza,” Mr. D cheered as he ushered us out the door and I heard the VP groan once more before it closed.
As we entered the hallway, the sudden silence and emptiness was deafening. My bully and I were still more than a little overwhelmed by the whole experience as we looked at each other, both looking like deer in the headlights.
“Did…did that actually just happen?” Sunset asked me.
“I…yeah?” I nodded dumbly.
“Well if it didn’t happen then someone slipped something in my chocolate milk this morning and I’m just tripping hard,” Mr. D said with a chuckle as he smirked at us.
“I…” Sunset started but she stumbled over whatever thought she had.
“Mr. D?” I asked.
“Yes Bacon Boy?” he asked full of pep.
“I just…why did you do that?”
“Do what young man? You have to be more specific, I’ve done lots of things,” he said with a loopy grin.
“That! That in there. Why did you help us out instead of…well, not?” I grunted, a bit annoyed at having to repeat myself. He responded with that slimy smug grin of his which made me uneasy.
"Well I'd be lying if I said I was doing it out of the goodness of my heart, sooo…." He looked back and forth between the hall before leaning in and whispering to us, "To tell you the truth, I just love messing with those douches in the school board, and this is bound to ruffle their jimmies. Besides, who doesn't love a good underdog story?!"
Either oblivious or just plain ignoring our looks of exasperation, Mr. D leaned back and started to stroke his weird beard while looking around the hall.
"Now I have a triple fudge chocolate cake calling me in the teacher’s lounge that I need to get to before Celly finds out it’s there. So I suppose I need to assign your trusted student watchmen...aha!" He exclaimed while snapping his fingers and pointing behind us. I turned around and saw a startled looking Derpy with a bathroom pass in her hand.
“You there, muffin fanatic, congratulations, you’ve been chosen!” he called out to her.
“I have?! Really?!” she said excitedly before confusion washed over her. “Wait, for what?” He didn’t answer her and instead looked to me and Sunset again.
"That's your liaison. Work with her and solve this mystery if you can."
"Why her?!" Sunset exclaimed, echoing my own sentiments.
"Because she's the first one I saw," he said with a shrug as if that was a valid excuse.
You’ve gotta be kidding me! He’s not even taking this seriously! This is just a game to him! I thought in worry as he laid his hands on mine and Sunset’s shoulders.
“Also, you didn’t hear this from me, but Celestia already knows about her dear little sister playing hooky,” he said with a chuckle.
“What?!” Sunset and I said at once.
“Hey, it’s too late for her to do take-backs,” he giggled before patting our shoulders and walking away. “Ta Ta for now, and good luck with the thing.”
We watched as he sauntered and even danced somewhat as he passed Derpy without a care in the world.
“He…” Sunset gaped
“The Fu…?” I stuttered.
The vice principal may be a moron, but this guy is a nutjob!
He then stopped abruptly and turned back to us.
“Oh and by the way, I love the little pet name you have for your darling girlfriend. Condiment Head is sweet and unique, I give four out of five hearts!” he gushed in a cutesy voice.
Our shouts were drowned out as the bell rang, and just before he disappeared into the crowd of students making their way to their next classes, he gave us an exaggerated wave and salute.
And so there I was, standing awkwardly by the Vice Principal’s purple door next to my equally brain fried bully, while the girl I sometimes ate lunch with looked at us in confusion as the herds of sheep flocked through the hallways, giving the two of us burning glares.
I’d been framed, talked down to, and nearly sent to the cleaners, but a troll of epic proportions gave me an extension on life. One week to clear my name, and the only experience I had in investigation were episodes of Case Closed and Scooby Doo.
“Well, Shit…” I summed up nicely.
}SEVEN DAYS REMAIN{
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Well i don;t care for Luan much in this story, she a bloody sell out bitch. hope she gets what coming to her.
Okay, that's funny as hell. The mistake of friends and enemies are dating is a common mistake. I should know, they thought a friend of mine and I were dating. Also great Ace Attorney references.
Ma-hog-any
I knew derpy would be back
Let’s see if Luna and Celestia will actually drop the hammer on the disco trio and actually punish them. I am with Michael in believing that these two will only slightly slap these threes wrists.
I mean.. Defense Attorney Discord is just D.A.D... so..
Anyway hey! Welcome back DWC! Great return! Glad to see this fic uo and running again. Discord and Luna's introductions were.. spot-on, let's give it that.
Hoo-wee. Guess it's time for Adam- I mean Mikey to solve this case. I mean he should figure it out that it was the Crystal Preps. Though I could be wrong.
Anyway, can't wait for the next one.
Surprised the "gamer" here never had Phoenix Wright experience. Speaking of, could you maybe throw in the bit with the ladder/stepladder like they do in those games?
to be fair case closed is pretty clever with its mysteries and they aren't obvious so that will help for actual investigating
for scooby doo a lot of the suspects seem obvious its only a matter of picking which one and there are some VERY obvious suspects
and well Sunset is academically smart and has been at CHS for a while
Derpy can be the one who finds the single bit of info they were missing and being some good interaction for the story and probably be the nicer voice between the 3 of them
and michael while not as smart is VERY clever and grounded, he can read people and doesn't take any of their shit
I'm pretty confident for their chances, i would say 7.5/10 they seem to work well based on their abilities and minds but will definitely clash however they still seem pretty good
You could add Wallflower to the story since it would be quite funny that our antisocial protagonist befriends the invisible girl
Wow...that happened. A question now. Will there be magic in this?