11: Canadians Don't Understand NASCAR
Chapter 11: Canadians Don't Understand NASCAR
I knocked on Nathan’s door. I had stalled as long as I could, but Rainbow eventually prodded me to visit him. She stood beside me patiently as we waited.
There wasn’t much of my stuff at Nathan’s place, just a few unimportant clothes. I still had to agree with Rainbow when she said it would make me feel better to go get them. That made sense. I could use some closure.
The door opened. I hadn’t told Nathan I was coming, and he looked surprised.
“Hello,” I said. There was no need to make this unpleasant. We may have parted company, but I still had my manners.
“Um, hi,” said Nathan. He reached down and retrieved a plastic bag from beside the door. My clothes were packed inside. I stood for a moment holding the bag and trying to decide what to do. I should have just said goodbye, but that seemed kind of impersonal.
Nathan stared at me. “Well?”
“I’m just going to go,” I said.
“Did this relationship really mean so little to you?” he asked.
“You instigated the breakup!” I reminded him.
“Come on, Denise.” Rainbow began to push me away. It seemed strange that she was the cooler head for once, but I decided that maybe she was right.
Nathan seemed surprised that I was going along with the pony’s idea. “You’re going to listen to her? I thought you said she was a bitch.”
I shrugged. “At least she’s loyal.”
Nathan’s eyes narrowed and he took a step forward. “What do you mean by that?”
“Hey, stop this,” said Rainbow.
Nathan glared at her. “Shut up, featherbrain.”
Forget manners. I sucker-punched him. Had Nathan been looking at me instead of Rainbow, I probably would have hit him anyway.
He stumbled back in shock. I hadn’t thrown very many punches in my life, and probably didn’t hurt him too badly. Rainbow finally succeeded in dragging me away. Nathan didn’t try to stop us.
I expected the ache in my hand to go away quickly but it didn’t. As we left the apartment building, I discovered why.
“I’m no expert on fingers,” said Rainbow. “But that looks bad.”
I went back to the health center for the second time in not very long. I got the same nurse.
“You again?” she said. “Are you being careful like I told you?”
I showed her my hand. “It won’t be a problem anymore.”
Nothing was broken, but I would have to wear a brace for a few weeks. Rainbow walked me back to the dorm.
“I can’t believe I threw a punch and hurt me,” I grumbled.
“You didn’t have to do that,” said Rainbow.
I nodded. “In retrospect, I kind of wish I hadn’t.”
Rainbow shook her head. “No, I mean it felt like you were defending my honor or something. And that was a really lame insult to retaliate over, too. I mean, ‘featherbrain’? I got called worse things by the Cloudsdale school flight instructor.”
“Well, at least I’ll probably never see Nathan again.” I actually felt good about that.
Rainbow looked at me. “Now what’s this about you calling me a bitch?”
“Uh, well, you kind of are,” I said nervously.
She snickered. “Takes one to know one.”
Well, it looked like our relationship had progressed to the point where we could trade casual insults and laugh about it. Only a couple of months ago, we probably would have been at each other’s throats over something like that.
As we returned to the dorm room, my thoughts turned to what I would wear on Halloween. It took surprisingly little thinking. A hand that was out of commission? Pirate.
I had explained to Rainbow the local traditions of Halloween, and it seemed pretty similar to something she called Nightmare Night. She didn’t have a costume planned yet.
“I’ve got a lot of ideas,” she said. “Most of them are things people won’t understand, and I’d have to be explaining what the costume is all night.”
I nodded thoughtfully. “I have an idea.”
I took a piece of paper from my desk and wrote the number 24 on it. Rainbow gave me a doubtful look, but let me tape it to her side.
“You’re Jeff Gordon,” I said. “The rednecks will love it.”
“NASCAR isn’t really my sport. Besides, I don’t know if anyone will get the joke.” She sounded skeptical.
“You understood it,” I pointed out. “Wait, did you just say anyone?”
“Well, I wasn’t talking about ponies,” she said.
I nodded. “I guess that makes sense. So what does…everypony do for Nightmare Night?”
“Parties, treat giving, pranks, friendly scares.” She shrugged. “Except maybe for alcohol, it’s about like Halloween.”
“Well, you have two days to get ready.” I turned away, intending to get back to my homework. Like a moron, I’d hit Nathan with my writing hand. Rainbow’s writing with her mouth was not exactly tidy, but it was better than what I was scrawling with my weak hand.
My cell phone rang. I picked it up, recognizing the number. “Hello?”
“I’m making plans for Thanksgiving,” said my mother.
“Mom, that’s a month away.”
“Well, it never hurts to plan in advance,” she said. “What’s your roommate doing? Can she come?”
I turned my head. “Rainbow, what are you doing on Thanksgiving Break?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know, it’s a month away.”
“My mom’s inviting you to Thanksgiving dinner,” I told her.
She looked hesitant, but said, “I guess I can do that.”
“She’s coming,” I said to the phone.
“Great!” said mom. “This gives me time to try out the recipes I got online. They’re supposed to be pony-friendly.”
Poor dad, I thought.
We talked a little more. I’d called her shortly after hurting my hand, and she followed up, asking if I was doing okay. We discussed school a little. She didn’t ask if I’d found a new boyfriend yet, bless her.
After she hung up, I picked up my pencil again. If writing was going to be this difficult, lighting cigarette would be a real pain.
Carol had to work Halloween night. The dorm had decided not to hold a Halloween get-together this year. None of my other friends were available for various reasons.
“All dressed up and no place party,” I muttered.
“Do you want to go to the Chocolate Shop?” asked Rainbow.
I sighed. “Okay.”
We encountered the marching band parading down the street in costume. They were playing “Louie Louie” and looked like they were having a good time. Meanwhile, I was on my way to get drunk with a pony.
It was still early when we got to the bar and it wasn’t very crowded. Nearly all of the customers were dressed up, however. Rainbow and I both got drinks, something we could sit over for a while.
A guy wearing plastic Spartan armor wandered over to our table. He looked at Rainbow. “So what are you supposed to be?”
“Jeff Gordon.” She hadn’t managed to come up with anything more creative.
“Who?” he asked.
I snorted and threw a little bit of accent into my voice. “Ya don’t know who Jeff Gordon is? Ya must not be a real ‘Merican.”
“That’s right,” he said dryly. “I’m ‘Nadian.”
“Let’s hear it for us foreign students,” Rainbow laughed. She held up a hoof. After a moment of slight confusion, the guy gave her a high five.
I was looking at the bottom of my glass, so I got up. As it happened, I ended up back at the bar with the Spartan.
“Sorry about that joke,” I said. “I wish I could claim it was the drinks, but I’ve only had one.”
“It’s all right.” He smiled. “Can I buy you another?”
“Sorry again,” I explained. “I just went through a breakup. I’m not ready.”
He laughed. “Well, don’t get drunk and play mean tricks on him.”
I slapped my glass down. “You’re absolutely right. I’m going to do it sober.”
“I didn’t say that!” he stammered. I walked back to the table where Rainbow was sitting.
“Come on,” I told her. “Let’s go play pranks on Nathan.”
She put her glass down, smiling. “You came to the right mare.”
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As soon as I read the title, the only thing I could think of was,
"They're makin' a left turn!"
742565 My thought was, "Laying in my hotel room watching NASCAR and drinking beer!"
No one understands NASCAR - it's not just Canadians, trust me. I mean, it's just cars racing round an oval track (not even an interesting shape) until... well, I'm not exactly sure what.
Beer festival?
742651
Understand it? You're approaching it wrong.
The question that should be asked when watching NASCAR isn't why, but how. As in, "how drunk am I and am I going to get even more wasted?"
That left turn gains a whole new aspect when you yourself can't even tell left from right.
742651
Americans aren't actually paying for the left turns, their paying to see that one in a million chance of a wreck in NASCAR.
I worked at a lemonade stand at a race once in florida, and i was sure that 90% of the crowd was from other states.
BREAKING NEWS
A teenager was found dead in his bedroom today. It appears that his head had exploded while reading totallynotabrony's long-awaited story, The Roommate.
OH MY GOD YES. YOU ACTUALLY USED IT. OH MY GOD YES.
"Meanwhile, I was on my way to get drunk with a pony."
Best line ever... of all time.
Why do Americans hate Canadians?
742565
Leave for ten minutes and you won't miss a damn thing
742565
"It's a sport that's easy to follow when you're hammered!"
743972 The REAL question is, why do Canadians hate Americans? We just do. (No offense.)
742565 Hey guess what?.... They're makin' another left turn.
743120
Just like all sports, it's way different when you are actually there. I managed to get tickets to Talladega once, and that was the first race I'd ever seen live. It can actually get pretty intense. And on those high speed races, you're almost guaranteed at least one spectacular crash. Dash might approve.
As a long time fan of Formula One, I tried watching 15 minutes of NASCAR. I got severely bored
I'd say something, but all the good jokes are already taken.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Rainbow_Dash.png
bad wolf
743972 because us Canadians are just better
743972 Because everyone knows that Canadians aren't real people, silly.
I watch both NASCAR and Formula One on a regular basis, and I manage to enjoy both.
Stock car racing is pretty good... at least it was before the mid90's when they decided to make all the cars look the same. the idea was in the heyday to "run on sunday, sell on monday" and the big 3 (Ford, GM, Chrysler) used this as a type of testing for ideas that would better their cars. take the '69 Dodge Charger Daytona 500 or the '70 Plymouth Roadrunner Superbird. massively powerful cars with insane aerodynamics, they had to run faster to win, and faster meant a massive wing on the back and a coned nose... pretty cool stuff!
As for the Jeff Gordon joke... that was AWESOME!
the running joke between us "rednecks" is that, although jeff gordon is married with kids, that he is a homosexual... and rainbow's mane fit perfectly!
Kudos!
also, i'm Albertan, and if you didn't know, we're the rebel province... confederate flags and all that fun stuff!
-Iron
742651 i prefer rally and le mans personally.
WOOT! NASCAR!
Racing is awesome, Indy Car, Formula One, Le Mans, it's just simply awesome.
Nice job for mentioning it.
-Silverness
This is going to get interesting
743972
They're just upset that 200 years ago they thought they could just walk in and take over and us Canucks responded by kicked them back across the border.
755854
ts3.explicit.bing.net/th?id=I4991225010979698&pid=1.5
FUCK YEAH.
742565 i wonder what's gonna happen next!
*finishes reading chapter and sees a NASCAR ad* the ads here are very good at being relevant...
I am Canadian and i approve of this.
But, I believe humility is the best form of wit, and if it were me i would've put "eh?" at the end of that sentence.
...Which i've actually said in the past. Stereotypes FTW!
Oh, and on an unrelated note, No self-respecting Canadian would ever get drunk off of one of those piss-water sad excuses for things Americans call beer...
743014 In Canada that's called football.
743972 Trust me, most Canadians hate americans just as much.
"Meanwhile, I was on my way to get drunk with a pony."
That reminded me of "Screw it. I just sexed with a horse."
758307
that an insult or a challenge?
cuz im pretty sure America can brew a better drink than you syrup lovin' bacon fakin Canadians anytime
Fukin 'merica!
Fuck Gordin it's all about Jr.
766690
Whatever eh... You can have your bud light and whatever else you drink down south, ill enjoy a man's beer up here... Laker, Guiness, James Ready, Alexander Keiths, anything sold up here will knock an American under the table...
... And yes! I will put syrup in it! Beer and Bacon! The breakfast of lumberjacks and champions!
stereotypes
742565 lol me too the bill cosby joke right? the "wonder whats gonna happen next"
755854
That explains the tension. Actually, I don't remember ANY important or fundamental history about Canada and American besides that it was a safe heaven for escaped slaves
Some typos:
If writing was going to be this difficult, lighting cigarette would be a real pain.
“All dressed up and no place party,” I muttered.
743014 That makes more sense then I think it should o.o
When the story said "Spartan armor", was it referring to Halo Spartans or historical Spartans?
A guy wearing plastic Spartan armor wandered over to our table. He looked at Rainbow.
'HELLO I AM MASTUR CHEEF LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL"
2710380 or he could be spartan from the movie 300
this is madness!
madness?
THIS IS SPARTA!!!
*sparta kick*
743972 Here in the northern US only a few assholes habor Canadian hate. Personally I think it's stupid that they think this way.
758307 Ever tasted real german beer?
ACRacebest tried...
743972
we don't. It's mostly a big joke tbh. We call them America's hat, they call us their pants, we all laugh, etc.