Interval 2.2: Temple of DoooOOOooom
My Little Pony:
Versus Equestria
[Unto the Breach]
Interval 2.2: Temple of DooOOoom
Rabbit laughed, crossing his arms over his chest and sitting back against the low café table. “Oh-ho, man! Elements of Harmony? Power of friendship? That’s adorably retarded!”
The outdoor café was quiet. Just Rabbit and five brand new mares to talk to... oh, did I say mares? I meant guards. After all, while Twilight and Andrew had been arguing in the library Rabbit had identified the golden opportunity to slip out of town and escape before Twilight expected him to actually deliver on his side of the deal. Apparently news spread fast though.
Impossibly fast.
News of Rabbit’s ass-kicking at the hands of Andrew Shepherd was already common knowledge around town. The deal struck between Rabbit and Twilight was also intimately familiar to everypony. Heck, all ponies were also somehow fully versed on Rabbit’s ‘dishonest’ nature.
Upon leaving the library Rabbit had found himself surrounded by Twilight’s five closest friends. They had sent Trixie back into the library and insisted on following Rabbit around the place to keep an eye on him. The logistics of the situation seemed impossible and brought several very important questions to light.
All questions answered by the fact he was talking to ponies. I’m sorry folks, but all laws of normal physics have been rendered invalid.
“It’s true.” Applejack huffed, backing up their story of how the Elements of Harmony defeated Nightmare Moon with the power of friendship the first time she appeared.
“And I’m Princess Celestia’s bed-warmer.” Rabbit scowled, causing the five of them to gasp with shock. “Oh, come off it. How the hell does the power of friendship banish an evil witch and turn a spirit of chaos to stone?”
“With magic, silly!” Pinkie Pie laughed. “How else?”
Rabbit blinked only now noticing how energetic and high-pitched the pink earth-pony was. “Well you could sneeze on someone and give them diabetes.” He mumbled. “That’d be a cool super-power.”
“Look, the Elements of Harmony ain’ no pony-tale, they’re real.” Applejack promised. “Ah’m the element of honesty, an’ trust me when I say that. I can’t tell a lie.”
Rabbit had to think about that one for a moment. Eventually however, he had a smartass return: “Unless you’re lying about not being able to tell a lie. Then all you tell are lies. But if you’re lying about lying then perhaps you’re telling the truth, but lies are all you tell so most likely it’s a lie.”
All five ponies let out a disgruntled groan, giving up completely. It drew a chuckle for the teenager. He had to admit, that was kinda cute.
Still smiling, Rabbit turned his head to see Andrew approach. The guy should have looked happy to escape Twilight’s wrath. Instead he looked positively dreary, his shoulders slumped and his bo-staff dragging along in his wake.
“Hey.” Rabbit greeted. “Trouble in ponydise?”
“Bite me.” Andrew tiredly rolled his eyes.
“Y’all okay, sugarcube?” Applejack inquired trotting closer to see what the matter was.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” The human replied, lifting his spirits a little.
Rabbit chortled. “He’s just pissed Twilight Sparkle doesn’t trust him.” The teenager explained crudely.
“Hey, Twilight trusts me just fine.” Andrew snapped.
“And that’s why she won’t let you go treasure hunting.” Rabbit thought about it for a moment then burst out laughing. “Hah! Pony-whipped! Man, I crack myself up.”
“Yeah, well from what I see, Trixie seems to hold the riding-crop in your relationship.” Andrew retorted.
The teenager huffed back in a sulk. “Trixie and I are strictly plutonium!”
“Platonic.” Andrew corrected.
“Whateve-...” Rabbit’s words died in his throat as a streak of blue lightning shot closer and a rainbow-maned Pegasus hovered right in his face. Stumbling back in an attempt to put some more proximity between them, Rabbit nearly stumbled over the top of the table he used as a perch.
“Hey, you back off him!” Rainbow Dash cried, her boyish voice cracking a little. “If I remember correctly Andrew swept your flank up and down the Ponyville cobbles!”
Andrew gave his cyan friend an odd glance. “You saw that?”
“Of course!” Rainbow Dash replied still face-to-face with Rabbit.
“And nopony thought to help?”
Rabbit grumbled, grabbing the Pegasus by the face and shoving her away. Rainbow Dash span into a comical pirouette before landing on her flank with an audible ‘plof!’
“You didn’t need help.” Rabbit reminded with a point to Andrew’s bo-staff. “If you didn’t have that magic pole you wou-...
Rabbit’s disgruntled complaints were interrupted by the least likely of suspects. The shy Pegasus herself, Fluttershy of all ponies interrupted him with a sudden uncharacteristic raise of her voice.
“A magic pole!? Oohh, Andrew.” She suddenly let out in a hushed moan. “Will you show me how your pole works?”
Wondering if he had heard that right, Rabbit suddenly burst out coughing, having gulped and gasped at the same time.
Even Andrew noticed how odd that sentence was. Narrowing his eyes suspiciously he tried to read Fluttershy’s face, wondering if she was seeing into deeper meanings of what she was asking. All he saw was her usual innocence. Big turquoise eyes with her mane shyly pulled over one half of her face, she wore that little smile that could give weaker souls heart-failure by just beholding it.
There was no indication that the pony had any idea what the word innuendo even meant.
Blinking, Andrew’s eye twitched with pure frustration. “I dunno. I’d have to ask Twilight if it’s alright.”
“Oh?” that took the butter-coloured pony by surprise. “Why is that?”
Rabbit piped up with a huff. “Well he uses his pole on her all the time, of course! Twilight Sparkle ‘ll get jealous!”
Despite the urge to laugh, Andrew managed to keep a straight face when Applejack gasped.
“Why would ‘ya use ‘yer pole on Twilight?” Applejack piped up with a little irritation in her voice. “Wouldn’t that hurt her?” she added with some concern for her friend’s well-being.
“Well yeah, at first maybe.” Andrew explained. “But as you get used to it, it gets a whole lot more enjoyable. Kind of like a tickle-fight with your best friend.”
Pinkie Pie suddenly leapt onto the table and bounced clean over Rabbit’s head – much to his shock – before landing lightly between them. “Oooh! Ooooh!” she continued to hop excitedly up and down excitedly. “I love tickle fights! Do me! Do me with your big pole, Andrew!”
Even Rarity moved closer, intrigued now. “Darling, I must have a go with your pole!”
“Do me after Andrew!” Rainbow Dash shot over like a streak of blue-lightening. “I want a go with your pole!”
“Looks like your pole is pretty popular with ponies, Shep.” Rabbit snarked.
Andrew just shrugged back with a neutral expression, leaning on his bo-staff like a walking stick. “Yeah? Well when’s the last time your pole got this kind of attention?”
The two humans stared at each other in silence for a moment... and then both burst out laughing. Andrew was doubled over slapping his knee. Rabbit had rolled back onto the table he used for a perch, the whole thing groaning in complaint as he kicked wildly with laughter.
The ponies merely glanced among themselves as they tried to figure out what was so funny. The exercise was pointless.
What ensued was Andrew trying his best to explain to his pony-friends that he wasn’t going to be showing off his pole to anypony... no, not in that way.
As Rabbit wiped away a tear, still chuckling at the sight of the confused ponies, he saw the library door swing open. A familiar azure pony skulked out into the street and scampered away with the brim of her hat pulled low over her brow. Frowning, Rabbit glanced to where Andrew was distracting the five ponies. Realising now as the right time to slip away, the teenager straightened up and did just that.
On tip-toes behind their backs he managed to get out of range and ran to catch up to his friend.
“Yo, Trix.” Rabbit called as he caught up to her. “Did Sparkle-Butt give you an ear-full?”
Trixie immediately shook her head as she stopped and turned to her friend. “She told me she’s going to give me a second chance. Twilight Sparkle is going to explain the situation to her friends. And when they catch up to me they’re going to love and tolerate the buck out of me!”
Rabbit burst out laughing, holding up his arms in self-defence and stepping back as if Trixie was infected with the pony-plague. “Good luck with that.”
Trixie launched herself on the human, her front hooves pressing heavily against the teenager’s chest. “Help!” she cried despite the proximity.
Rabbit sighed with a roll of his eyes. While it was quite funny, he couldn’t just let his friend hang like that... or could he? An idea boiled into his grey-matter and simmered for a second. A moment later his face was lit up by a light-bulb blinking to life above his head.
“Actually this works out for the better.” He suddenly said, drawing a very confused yelp from the azure pony. He pushed her off then took a knee, huddling with an arm around her neck. “I got a good look at Andrew’s map.” He continued in a hushed tone. “Since Sparkle won’t let him out to play, I think I can get to Meghan’s Temple first to loot all that treasure. But I need you to keep Twilight and her loons busy. If she catches on she’ll make us-...” The teenager shuddered “Share.”
Trixie cringed, mulling the plan over. “This sounds like a really bad idea.” He sighed honestly.
Rabbit proudly rose to his feet and shrugged. “Stick around. I’m full of bad ideas.”
The unicorn rolled her eyes. “Fine. You will owe me for this though. You will owe me big.”
Rabbit nodded looking up in time to see Twilight had finished talking to her friends and they were making their way over, all smiles. The human quickly jumped back and ducked behind the nearest building. “Okay, here they come. Remember, big shit-eating grin.”
Trixie scowled in his general direction, but he was already gone. Faded into the night, melted into the shadows, stumbled into cover, pick one. Basically, Rabbit was out of sight and ready to hike out to Meghan’s Temple where mountains of treasure lay in wait. Trixie would come up with an excuse for him. She’d tell Twilight Sparkle and her friends some story of how Rabbit was getting a feel for the environment, or looking for any jobs he could do around town to get a head start on the schoolhouse repairs.
Still...
“Big, Rabbit.” She hissed to herself with a shit-eating grin as the ponies got closer, giggling and prancing all the way. “Real buckin’ big!”
***[]***
The desert gave way to an oasis just in time. Any more of trawling through the exposed desert and Rabbit would resort to cursing at the sun.
Shading his eyes with one hand, his other hand worked to tighten the scarf wrapped around his face before adjusting his sunglasses. He squinted out of pure instinct, leaning forward and pushing through a gust of wind trying its best to knock the teenager down. Sand prickled his exposed skin and snaked its way – somehow – into his clothes.
It had taken him about half an hour to clear the badlands before he came to the oasis. It was a dense cluster of shrubbery and palm-trees all packed together in a mass of leafy green. A flock of multi-coloured birds screeched noisily as they left the tree tops, momentarily hazing out the top of a temple. That was it. Meghan’s Temple.
A large blocky building almost like some kind of oversized nuclear bunker, if Rabbit had paid attention in history he would have realised he was looking at a dark grey and somewhat modified version of the Ziggurat of Ur from Iraq. The massive structure sported thick, tall outer walls, flat and paved rooftop plazas and a few towers perched on the top that looked like the Aztecs had come along and built a couple of their own temples on top. The building was so unnecessarily high it blocked out the hazy mountains in the distance from where Rabbit approached.
What surprised Rabbit was the fact he didn’t actually spot the oasis, or the temple from Ponyville. Not until he got much closer. The reason behind that was that the oasis seemed to be situated in a shallow sided crater, or bowl of sorts. Built so close to civilisation, yet remained hidden because nopony could be bothered looking properly.
Rabbit wasted no time leaving the dry, sun-baked earth behind and delved into the humid oasis. The sudden change of scenery was shocking. He went from being able to see nothing but endless desert in every direction to hardly being able to see past the foliage swatting him in the face every few inches. The moisture hanging in the air nearly drowned him.
Pulling off his scarf and sunglasses, tucking them away into his pockets, Rabbit clawed his way through the thick foliage.
Soon enough he stumbled out into the clearing in the midst of the oasis. Staring up at the sheer wall of solid, craggy stone stretched before him, Rabbit scratched his head. Instinct told him the entrance might be on the highest point of the temple. So he’d have to start climbing.
And climbing is what he did.
Leaping up against the steep angle of the wall, he managed to work his fingers and the toes of his trainers into the wider cracks adorning the temple. Each handhold was in reach of each other, and slowly feeling like Spiderman scaling the towers of Manhattan he worked his way up along the temple.
“Urk.” the teenager burped after what felt like hours of climbing as he considered looking over his shoulder to check on progress. “Don’t look down, Rabbit... you’ll soil yourself...”
Chest brushing the wall as he climbed, he suddenly felt very stupid remembering his fear of heights. That self-conscious feeling you get when you catch yourself doing something dumb in sight of other people? Rabbit was experiencing that feeling along with a healthy dose of mortal fear for his own safety.
That was when the worst imaginable thing happened. It really was... the WORST... thing that could ever happen. Especially for a teenager suffering vertigo and a serious case of regret for putting himself in such a dumbass situation.
The wall started to cave under Rabbit. Eyes popping, he gasped as he displaced about an inch before the masonry caught itself again. Hanging on and rooted to the spot, the boy glanced left to right in a panic. Cracks formed around where he hung. Deep tears formed and spread out like a spiderweb. And there he hung, helpless tangled in it like a fly waiting for a spider to come along and suck his guts out. Metaphorically speaking of course. The spider is gravity. Guts getting sucked out actually means exploding upon impact with the ground.
With gritted teeth, Rabbit managed to tear his left hand from a crack and reached out in an attempt to climb clear of the rapidly crumbling section of wall. As he did however, his hand and footholds displaced another few inches. This time his foot kicked loose and Rabbit swung to one side, hanging on by only two limbs.
A whole surface to his side crumbled away, sending a sizeable avalanche of ancient masonry tumbling to the ground far below.
Rabbit cursed under his breath as he glanced to his right. Just beyond arms reach was a solid enough looking ledge, like a horizontal beam of solid supporting stone receding a little into the structure.
Do or die, Rabbit. C’mon!
Swinging his dangling leg up, Rabbit pressed both feet against the crumbling wall and leapt clear – throwing himself to his right... and just in time too.
The whole section of unstable masonry came crashing down, and would have easily dragged the teenager with it. He would have been pummelled and crushed during the fall before he even hit the ground.
How close he had come to meeting his maker far from his mind, Rabbit kicked his legs for balance as he soared sideways to the next set of handholds. Strangely enough however he wasn’t reaching out to catch himself. His hands reached backwards.
As the world was a blur of colour swirling all around him, Rabbit closed his hands around the handle of his climbing-axe and tore it free. Swinging over one shoulder, he slammed the pick home, digging deep into the masonry where it caught on the support beam. Rabbit jolted to a halt before he fell any further and dangled there for a while.
“From a grave-robber’s perspective, this building is of poor design.” Rabbit managed to quip, trying his best to distance himself from his current predicament.
Managing to force a chuckle, Rabbit dug his toes into a set of cracks and found a handhold before pulling his climbing-axe free. And that was when the worst possible thing happened again, against all surmountable odds.
Before anything happened, there was the aggravating groan of ancient masonry... followed quickly by the tired groan of a very disgruntled teenager.
The wall suddenly collapsed inward, a slab of stone pivoting forward over a lower axis and slamming to a halt to form and downward slope leading down into the pitch interior of Meghan’s Temple. Rabbit tumbled in over the top of the slab and found himself sliding downward over the rough stone.
Crying out he lashed out with his axe, but the pick didn’t purchase on anything. He felt the rough rocks graze his skin through the material of his clothes and saw sparks erupt from the steel of his climbing-axe.
Something hit him in the knee and sent him in a head over heels tumble. The world seemed to be punching him from all sides, getting even for every one of the teenager’s sins. A moment later he was thrown clear of the ground completely.
The ride came to an end with a sudden drop, that Rabbit knew very damn well would come to a very abrupt stop. Spreading out his limbs to shift his balance, the boy tumbled through the air with a cry, swinging his axe in an attempt to purchase the ledge he tumbled over. It was all too little to late. The pick only swung into air.
Twisting, the boy blinked hard to adjust to the darkness. There were faint beams of light cutting through the ceiling high above, and from what he could see, Rabbit was tumbling into a well of some sort.
He broke out in sweat when he realised he was falling in a pit-trap. More to the point, there were lots of sharp points waiting for him at the bottom.
Spears, all set up at vertical angles, each tipped by vicious looking pointed rocks. But above the pikes waiting the falling teenager was a saving grace.
The tunnel was overgrown. Ivy and other ferns grew in ever crack and crag. There were several thick vines growing in Rabbit’s path. It was worth a try at least.
Rabbit curled up and twisted into a ‘feet-first’ fall. He held out his axe and hooked the pick over the nearest vine.
The sudden tug nearly pulled his shoulder out of its socket, and he heard a sickening snap of the vine breaking. But all was not lost. Rabbit’s trajectory was altered just enough.
The tug allowed him to swing his feet forward. Falling again, Rabbit was thrown clear of the pit trap into the larger of the cracks in the well’s walls. The teenager twisted sideway to fit through, his elbows and knees grazing the narrow walls. But he was a least skinny enough to fall clean through into the wider tunnel below.
The smooth hard ground hit him again, this time in the shoulder and hip as he tumbled into another winding slide. It angled smoothly downward, winding Rabbit through what felt like a complex series of weaves and loops. It was like the most vomit-inducing, painful water slides in the universe... hold the water.
The ride finally came to an abrupt halt after what felt like hours of tumbling about in the dark. A halt that didn’t end in death by pointy-sticks. He slid out of the tunnel and came to a halt on a smooth stone floor, every fresh graze and bruise on his body burning like individual suns in a solar system of pain.
“Ow...” he mumbled, feeling the need to vocalise exactly how much that hurt. And even then, it didn’t do the pain the justice it deserved.
Groaning, Rabbit lifted his head to look at his bush-hat, laying limply on the floor in front of him. Slowly he clambered to his feet, holstering his climbing-axe as he stood and scooped up his hat. Perching it on his head again he gave the brim a light tug and shrugged at the straps of his backpack until the bag hung comfortably on his back-...
“Hi, Rabbit.”
Rabbit screamed with a mixture of surprise and girlish fear. He whirled around on the spot, raising his hands as if ready to get with the karate-chopping, but at the same time retreated into a foetal position with a whimper. That was when he spotted a human figure standing nearby.
Andrew Shepherd stood by casually, pencil in one hand, notebook in the other as he jotted down sketches and bullet-points on the chamber surrounding them. Behind him the sun shone in through a rectangular doorway, casting a long shadow over the ground that ended just at Rabbit’s feet.
“W-what!?” the teenager yelled at the sight of Andrew. “How did you get here?”
Andrew frowned. “Eh... I walked.”
“But how did you get in the temple?”
Andrew frowned even deeper before pointing at the door behind him. “Front door.”
Rabbit groaned realising he hadn’t even considered looking for a front door. Rubbing his eyes, he also realised Andrew had beaten him to the temple, and there was no way he was getting away with stealing all the treasure waiting for him. He’d have to... *shudder*... share.
As he tried to whip up a good excuse for being in the middle of the badlands rather than back at Ponyville attending to chores, another voice spoke up catching Rabbit by surprise.
“Hi, fellas!”
Once again, Rabbit treated all to a manly display of bravery through a high pitched scream of surprise and more attempted cowering. Spike the baby dragon had snuck right up on him and waved with an innocent little grin.
“What the fuck!?” Rabbit yelled, throwing up his arms in defeat. “And how did you get here?”
The squat purple dragon pointed a thumb over his shoulder, indicating the doorway he’d appeared from. “I found an elevator.” He revealed proudly.
“Oooh, really? An ancient Equestrian elevator?” Andrew’s interest piqued as he moved closer. “Ropes, pulleys and weights, right?”
“Yeah.” Spike nodded. “It’s pretty rickety, but it’s held up well. Surprisingly easy to use too. Like a big hamster-wheel for the winch.”
The two poked their head through the dark doorway to get a glimpse at Spike’s ancient Equestrian elevator, while Rabbit remained rooted to the spot, gaping angrily. Slowly he averted his eyes to the heavens.
“C’mon God.” The boy growled angrily. “This is just cruel.”
When Andrew and Spike returned from more copious note-taking on the clever ancient engineering, Rabbit’s mind was made.
“I’ll cut you in.” were his first words.
The Ponyville locals glanced at each other, then back at the teenager. “What?” they asked at the same time.
“The Meghan’s Temple treasure.” Rabbit forced out. “I’ll... I’ll... hhnnnggg...” his eye twitched as he forced the words out in an eventual, pained wheeze. “I’ll share.” He winced like the word caused him physical harm.
Again, Andrew and Spike glance at each other before bursting out laughing. Rabbit just stared at them, the human slapping his leg and the baby dragon rolling around the place in stitches.
“What makes you think you even deserve a third of that treasure?” Andrew chuckled wiping away a tear.
“Yeah, you’re supposed to be back in Ponyville helping with our crashing economy.” Spike added.
The sudden highbrow language Spike was using impressed Andrew. “Crashing economy? Nice.” He whispered.
“Thanks.”
Regardless, something made the corner of Rabbit’s mouth tug upward into a sly smirk. A thought hit him like a speeding soccer-mom’s SUV on the free-way. “I have as much leverage as you do.”
Another ‘What?’ came from the opposing duo who suddenly stopped sniggering.
“Let’s start with you, lizard-boy.” Rabbit pointed to Spike. “You’re a baby dragon. In the badlands, all on your own. I’m sure Twilight would like to know what you’re doing all the way out here...” – pause for dramatic effect – “On your own!”
Spike gulped loudly. Andrew was grinning.
“Busted.” The human stifled a laugh.
“And now it’s your turn, Shep!” Rabbit accusing finger switched targets to the other human causing his snigger to die very quickly. “Twilight Sparkle forbade you to come out here. What if someone were to let slip you came out here against her wishes anyway?”
Andrew moved his mouth angrily and silently, before seething; “You wouldn’t.”
Rabbit’s eyes narrowed into a look that pretty much said; you know me better than that.
After a short stand-off, Andrew threw his arms up. “Fine. We split the treasure three ways.” He sighed with frustration. But even he honestly realised this was probably best for all parties involved. “But we split the work evenly as well. Everyone carries their weight. Agreed?”
Spike immediately nodded. “Agreed. But I call dibs on gemstones.”
“Of course you do.” Andrew said with a roll of his eyes.
Rabbit paused, tucking his arms across his chest. After some contemplation, he nodded, despite the part about splitting the work as evenly as the treasure didn’t sound at all fair to him. “Deal.”
“Good.” Andrew’s smile suddenly faltered. “But, uh... what do we tell Twilight when we return to Ponyville with a hoard of treasure?
Spike’s eyes shrank with fear. “Holy guacamole.” He squeaked realising he hadn’t thought of that.
No matter how they went about settling their own petty differences, in the end it seemed they were unable to prevent Twilight Sparkle from kicking all their flanks.
The only one prepared seemed to be Rabbit as he merely waved it off with a casual chuckle. Leading the way deeper into the temple, he simply imparted upon them some wise words:
“My friends, when at first you don’t succeed; just lie, lie and lie again.”
***[]***
“... and that’s not even the strangest thing – huff!” Spike said, huffing as he pulled at a boulder. It shifted, letting a small avalanche of dirt fall to his feet as he moved the obstruction almost twice his size to one side. “I’ve – pant – been to this part of the desert before. I’ve never – hngf – seen this – hnnng – temple before.”
“Mmmm-hmmm?” came a hum from where Rabbit lay not far away.
“How does a temple surrounded by oasis – hunf – suddenly appear out of nowhere?” Andrew strained himself, shouldering another rock and shifting it out of the collapsed archway. He sighed as it moved aside only to reveal a dozen more equally sized boulders denying the trio access to the temple’s inner chambers. The collapse seemed to be worse than it had initially looked. Panting for air, Andrew psyched himself up, then threw himself against the next loose pillar of stone, struggling to shove it to one side.
“Details, chums, details.” Rabbit yawned, stretching out his arms as he swayed gently in the shade. “Don’t worry about where the temple suddenly spawned from, just worry about all that treasure waiting to be split three ways.”
“Actually more like four ways.” Spike stated as he sat down to catch his breath. “I was just thinking-...”
“Don’t. You’ll hurt yourself.” Rabbit mumbled.
Continuing as if he didn’t hear, Spike said: “I was just thinking, Twilight might need a share to soften her up. What do you think she’d do to us if we cut her out?”
Andrew shuddered as he too sat down for a quick break. “Ugh. That won’t end well.”
Frowning, Rabbit lifted his bush-hat out of his eyes and threw them both a glare. “Hey, Twilight Sparkle is not here and she is not part of the deal! Don’t worry about it. I’ve got it covered... sort of! Now quit your slacking and get back to work!”
Andrew and Spike looked at each other and then to where the teenager lay back in a hammock of vines suspended between two large stone columns in some nearby shade. While the duo had been working in a beam of blistering sun strategically shining down on the collapsed doorway they were trying to clear, Rabbit had been kicking back and chilling out.
“Part of our deal was that you help with the work!” Andrew exclaimed.
“I am helping.” Rabbit returned smugly, dropping the hat over his face again and tucking his hands behind his head. “I’m supervising.”
The baby dragon and the human glanced at each other again before sarcastically rolling their eyes. Andrew stood and reached behind his ear. He pulled loose what at first looked like a pencil. Closing it in his fist he concentrated for a few seconds. A moment later the pencil grew. Within moments the magical bo-staff had sprang out to its full size.
Swinging the weapon over one shoulder, Andrew gripped it in both hands before slicing in a wide arc like a broad-sword. Swinging softly and cutting hard, he cleaved the pole clean through the vines above Rabbit’s head, severing his makeshift hammock.
With a cry of surprise, Rabbit plummeted, grasping at the air for something to catch himself on. There was nothing, and he hit the ground upside down with a pronounced ‘thud!’
“Ouch!” the teenager rubbed his head at eye level with Andrew’s shoes. “Dude, what gives!?”
“Get your butt in gear, or so help me-...” Andrew threatened, pointing his bo-staff down to where the other human lay in a heap.
“Alright-alright!” Rabbit complained as he climbed to his feet and dusted his clothes down. Finding and donning his backpack again, he procrastinated a little more with a quick dust down of his shirt...
“Rabbit!” Andrew impatiently pointed at the pile of rubble in their path.
“I’m on it!” the teenager whined. Regardless, he didn’t move from where he stood, Andrew still glaring him in the face. “I have to pee though.”
Andrew threw his head back and let out an exasperated groan loud enough it may have woken up some mummies buried deeper in the ruins. Rabbit ignored him though, moving to somewhere he could find a little privacy.
“Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go!” Rabbit reasoned with a casual shrug.
“Just make it quick!” Andrew snapped, moving to Spike and helping the dragon continue to dig.
Rabbit had already moved around a cluster of skinny trees wound through the crumbling stonework to find himself pleasantly out of sight. Somewhere behind him he heard the digging noises pick up as Andrew and Spike dug into the obstruction again.
“Don’t rush me!” Rabbit snapped back.
Undoing his fly, the human whipped out the goods and went about his ‘urgent’ business. Truth be told, he did have to pee, though it wasn’t as pants-threateningly urgent as he made it out to be. Sighing to himself as he watched a stream form in a small pile of sand banked against an ancient wall, Rabbit considered writing his name. Y’know. Leave his mark on the centuries old place of worship.
In the background the digging noises continued, occasionally broken up by a huff or a pant.
“Rabbit, hurry it up, will you?” Andrew called.
Rabbit sighed. “I am not comfortable with you asking me that while I’m handling myself, y’know what I mean?”
Another exasperated groan from the other human before the digging noises picked up again.
Rabbit finished up his business and re-dressed himself. As he was doing up his zipper though, taking his sweet time to procrastinate even further from helping the other two move rubble, Rabbit noticed how quiet it had grown all of a sudden. Frowning, Rabbit remained fixed on the spot, pulling his fly up the rest of the way.
Still nothing.
“I don’t hear any digging back there!” Rabbit called.
There was no reply.
The teenager rolled his eyes. “Oh, the silent treatment? Very mature!”
Again, nothing.
“Ugh, fine!” Rabbit growled, turning around and making his way back around the cluster of foliage. “I’m coming to help you fucking assho-WHOA!!!”
Rabbit had expected to round the corner to observe a human and a baby-dragon. He didn’t expect said duo to be in the clutches of top heavy, overly muscled canine-like creatures. They were like the illegitimate mongreloid offspring of an ogre and a mutt.
Eight of them, barrel chested and clad in rough leather fatigues with heavy brows, bulldog-like faces and squinty little yellow eyes. The creatures would have looked hilariously clumsy with their disproportionately tiny hind-legs were it not for the solid bands of gorilla-like muscle, sharp digging claws and the intimidated rusty armour adorning key points of their weathered bodies.
A disarmed Andrew was being held beside Spike, thick taloned fingers holding the duo in place. Another one of the ogre-ish canines seemed to be holding a rock-tipped spear in one hand, Andrew’s magic bo-staff in the other.
Rabbit realised he was pointing at the canines and stammering like an idiot. “W-wh-w-wha-wahht-what?”
“Diamond Dogs.” Andrew and Spike replied in almost un-amused synchronicity, earning a unified affirmative grunt from said canines.
“D-d-d-diamond Dogs?” Rabbit stammered, wide eyed and fixed to the spot.
“Diamond Dogs.” Spike confirmed for him.
Rabbit gulped, the shock slowly wearing off. “Diamond Dogs bad?”
Andrew nodded. “Diamond Dogs bad.”
Rabbit eyed the dogs, and they eyed him right back. Taking a deep breath the human slowly interlocked his fingers and cracked them loudly with a long stretch of his arms. He then flexed his neck and rolled his shoulders as if he was prepared to fight them.
“It’s okay, boys.” Rabbit managed to say with a reasonably even tone, hopping from foot to foot. “I got this.”
Andrew blinked, then looked at his bo-staff in the possession of a diamond dog. He was willing it to return to him, but the dog’s grip was solid. The staff jerked a few times, but refused to move.
He looked back to the teenager he knew damn well was hopeless in a fair fight. “You sure about that?”
“Oh, yeah! Eight versus one. Piece of cake.” Rabbit nodded confidently before holding out his left arm. His hand flexed back and he gave the gem on his wrist a little flick...
Nothing happened...
Clearing his throat and flashing a quick confident smile, Rabbit looked at the supposedly magical gem banded to his wrist. A giant mallet wouldn’t go amiss right now. He thought to himself, twisting his hand about and flexing his fingers.
Again, there was no reaction.
Nothing? He thought. Not even a shield or something?
The gem reacted with no reaction.
“Okay, go time little magic thingy.” He growled at the dead stone. “Daddy needs a new pair of ass-kicking shoes.”
It replied with silence. The kind of irritable silence a girlfriend might give you with a ‘head-turned-away’ huff when she’s upset with you.
He gave his whole arm a shake, then pressed his middle and ring-finger into the palm of his hand, other fingers including his thumb remaining outstretched. His hand flicked back and he waited.
Nothing. Not even a measly shot of magical webbing.
Growing impatient and growling as a result, the diamond dogs took a step towards the human.
“Oh-ho, ho, okay.” Taking a step back, Rabbit suddenly realised he was very much screwed. Eight muscle-bound canines against one? Hell, Rabbit had trouble with one Andrew, how as he supposed to fare against these diamond dogs without the sweet universal deus-ex-machina force known as magic? “There’s just an acre of you guys, isn’t there? Time to rely on diplomacy.”
Andrew cringed at the mere uttering of the word from Rabbit’s mouth. “Uh-oh.”
Rabbit ignored him, flexing his neck again and preparing a reality shattering argument. “Gentlemen, you’re dogs, right? And I’m man, so technically-...”
Well... okay, maybe not so much ‘reality’ shattering.
Without warning the nearest diamond dog lashed out with a fist, cuffing Rabbit square across the side of the face. Wall-eyed, the teenager stumbled around to one side, walking himself face first into a nearby wall. He suddenly stiffened on impact, and rigid as a board teetered on his heels. Very slowly the boy keeled backwards before Rabbit landed heavily with a ‘plof’ that kicked up some clouds of dust.
The last human standing blinked confoundedly. Andrew wasn’t entirely sure what to make of the pathetic sight. He just sighed and rolled his eyes. “Oh, brother.”
***[]***
Trixie sighed contentedly. Though the concept terrified her at first, having the crap loved and tolerated out of her wasn’t all that bad. The Ponyville-parade had taken the azure unicorn straight to the spa for a long relaxing bath after which Rarity had assured they’d get round to a makeover.
After sleuthing around in the dirt it would feel good to look her best again. She couldn’t help but wonder if Rabbit would notice the difference when he got back.
So there the seven of them sat, in a big wooden basin of pleasantly hot water adorned with multi-coloured suds and reeking of various scented oils and herbs. Slouching her shoulders into the bathwater, Trixie could literally feel all her troubles drifting away.
Twilight Sparkle and her friends had been chatting and giggling amongst themselves. Some of the stories thrown around were preposterous. Reminiscent tales of banishing Parasprites and mighty dragons? Presence at the dragon migration? Battling the spirit of chaos? Trixie had admittedly weaved some tall tales in her days, but some of the stories those fillies came up with were insanely unbelievable.
Regardless, favouring silence to confrontation, Trixie smiled and took the tales for what they were. Enjoyable ponytales.
But as they all laughed off the account of the six’s most recent adventure, a question burned in Trixie’s mind.
During a momentary pause, she spoke up. “It’s strange...”
“What is?” Fluttershy asked almost immediately with some curiosity.
“Trixie doesn’t understand.” The magician unicorn elaborated, brushing a few locks of wet mane out of her face. “You were not fans of her show. In fact you never liked her. Why let Trixie hang out with you?”
Pinkie Pie giggled. “You don’t have to talk like that, silly-filly! You can use words like ‘I’ and ‘me’!”
“Trixie is familiar with grammar.” The showmare sniffed.
“Your show was a long time ago!” Pinkie Pie continued in a sugary tone. “Everyone deserves a second chance at making friends! Sometimes even a third chance, or a tenth chance!”
Twilight translated with a small smile. “What Pinkie Pie is trying to say is that we’re willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Last time you came to Ponyville you didn’t have any friends. You were a stranger trying to trying to get everypony to like you and came on a little too strong is all. I of all ponies should know how intimidating it can be moving into a new town.”
Trixie’s mouth went squiggly as she pondered for a moment. Truth be told, she hadn’t been intimidated by Ponyville. The truth of the matter was, Trixie was just high on the ego-pills. Not that she’d let these ponies know though. “Err... yes... well, Trixie is unsure what she should say to convey her gratitude.”
“A simple ‘thank ‘ya’ might jus’ do it.” Applejack chuckled.
“Right... err... thank ‘ya.” Trixie uttered awkwardly.
The ponies giggled, making Trixie smile a little. It was strange how good it felt being part of the herd for once. All her life she had been on the outside looking in. Today was different.
“Right, so here comes the obligatory question.” Rainbow Dash suddenly blurted out, shocking all with her understanding of the word ‘obligatory.’ “You and Rabbit... are the two of you...” she trailed off into a wide grin. “You know...”
Trixie blinked before snorting. “That is none of your business.”
“Oh, c’mon!” the cyan Pegasus whined. “We’re all friends here, right?”
“Yeah!” Pinkie Pie popped her head out of the bath beside the magician, catching her by surprise.
“Err... well...” Trixie blushed, rubbing her cheek shyly. “It’s... uh... just... well... err...”
Rarity sighed. “Come-come, darling. There’s no need to be shy. I’m sure Twilight would like to share her relationship with Andrew too.”
Twilight had been tipping back her drink when she heard that. Inhaling sharply with surprise she choked, coughing and spluttering so much she couldn’t even protest. Fluttershy giggled in response for some strange reason.
“Rabbit and I...” Trixie sighed as she mulled it over. “Trixie doesn’t know. It’s complicated.”
“Why is it complicated?” Twilight asked. “If you like each other it should be rather academic.”
Trixie chuckled. “Nothing about Rabbit is academic, trust Trixie on that one. I like Rabbit. But... well, I-... Trixie doesn’t think he likes her the same way.”
“Did’cha ask ‘im if he feels the same way?” Applejack furthered.
“Um... well... no.”
“Then how in pony-sake will you ever know?” Rarity exploded rather dramatically. “You should sit that boy down and be straight with him.”
Trixie averted her eyes to think for a moment, then broke out in a laugh. Not even understanding why, Pinkie Pie just giggled in on the jaunty laughter. “Rabbit can be pretty evasive.” The showmare joked.
Twilight joined in with a giggle, knowing exactly what Trixie meant. “Andrew was the same at first.”
“Speaking of Andrew,” Fluttershy said curiously in a hushed tone. “I wonder where he went.” She looked from side to side as if expecting the human to spontaneously pop out of the bathwater.
“Oh, he’s probably just trying to head Rabbit off and beat him to the Meghan’s Temple treasure.” Trixie suddenly blurted out.
Twilight Sparkle choked mid-drink again, then gaped angrily at the showmare, her eye twitching dangerously. “You said Rabbit was looking around town for chores!”
Realising she’d just said that out loud, Trixie skulked innocently under her stare. “Uh, I mean-... Trixie is sorry!”
Calming herself down, Twilight just sighed giving a polite little smile. “It’s fine, don’t worry. Not your fault.” She climbed out of the bath and levitated over a towel. “Girls, I have to go out for a bit to make sure Andrew is okay.”
Fluttershy’s eyes widened with worry. “Why? He’s not in trouble is he?”
Twilight grumbled. “Let’s just say he’d better be... or he will be!”
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Characters, Settings, Designs and Themes © to Hasbro and the Respective Owners. Please support the official release.
Special guest star Andrew Shepherd from ‘Hands.’ Character(s) used with the permission of author Andrew Joshua Talon.
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this story sucks and you'd should feel bad about wrighting such a peace of crap
but seriously i don't know why rabbit doesn't just use spike and andrew as a shield as he escapes
uhm, it's nice? most of what i would say has already been said. i've, uhm, never liked the 'bumbling man in ponyland' trope but, to be honest, we are kinda bumbling if we're not trained. some of the 'logic' you've come up with to introduce various characters/concepts seemed far fetched. the magic-gem to force Rabbit into Ponyville, the money to get him after NMM in the first place, Twilight's transformation spell/Journal to get Rabbit out of the shadows, Meghan's treasure ... it all seems strung along, like there's an ending point you want to be at but you need all this stuff to string it together like beads on a necklace. all stories are a bit like that but here it seems, uhm, more obvious? i'm sorry ...
that said, i did thumb it up. i don't do that too often but i see a definitive 'Hands' influence in some of this. i like that story as well but it's, uhm, not my favorite. i have reasons but they're long winded and really kinda boring so, uhm ... sorry. it's good though. really, i do like it and i would like to see more.
The hole thing with the magic pole had me dying.
NIIIICE! Loving this series so far. Let me guess, The gem doesn't work cause he doesn't beleive in magic, am i right? Really looking forward for the continuation of this
!
God this story is awesome I keep crackin up!
Finally new chapter after a month and a half. Been waiting for this for so long.
New chapter! And i loved it!
I will get my fix of Hands anyway I can. Thanks.
:3
Go Trixie! Make friends with Twilight and she might just... y'know... teach you the transformation spell.
Andrew is getting a MAJOR ass kicking XD
this is why i have a Colt .45 on me at all times.
1059091
Ah, don't worry about it. I'll be honest, when I started writing Versus Equestria I thought it would turn out a piss-poor HiE story.
Mark @ Pseudofiction
I really like your style. I somehow think you're not depicting Andrew correctly, though. Can't put my finger on it.. he just seems to be a little out of character. Anyway, keep going, I like this. Totally love awkward romantic Trixie.
Andrew said "what makes you think that you deserve a share?" when actually the map was in Rabbit´s possesion... Shame on you Andrew
1063358
Yeah, but... Rabbit's an asshole though.
Nice story. There are some things I don't like but.... buck it. Good story anyway and nice crossover. You can thank Andrew for sending to this story readers of "Hands" since both fics are now connected :P
ye gods, the pole discussion
Also, "Temple of Meghan"?
i2.photobucket.com/albums/y36/ShyRangerSMRPG/EyeSeeWhatYouDidThere.jpg
Honestly when i got to the latest chapter of "hands" and saw it was crossing stories with this is how i reacted >
Now that i read this
GOOD JOB
Alright, I've got to give Andrew and Rabbit credit... If I was there for the whole conversation about the 'pole', I would be on the ground laughing uncontrollably. It's nice to see how well you've integrated with Hands, by the way.
1051307
GTFO!!!!
Oh, and you misspelled "writing" and "piece."
The tables have been turned, nub.
no offense to you, but I think that either Andrew Joshua Talon should go back to writing this, or that you should BOTH write it from each character-set's POV. that would make things much better for me, because while I like Andrew Shepard, I can't say the same for Rabbit.
1068119
healthcentral.com/common/images/1/19598_6213_5.jpg
1051307
I was wondering why he didn't do that either, with him being him and all.
Somehow, I get the feeling that the Temple of Meghan will have a portal to G1 MLP.
Hehe, still magnificent.
Got some corrections for you, if you want
> how as he supposed to fare against these
"was"
> Very slowly the boy keeled backwards before Rabbit landed heavily with a ‘plof’ that kicked up some clouds of dust.
Kinda odd to repeat his name, there; we already know the entire paragraph is about Rabbit. I'd just say "before he landed heavily", or heck, just "before landing heavily".
> You were a stranger trying to trying to get everypony to like you
double "trying to"
I hate Rabbit. W/ burning passion. Overall good story minus the grammatical errors ^
I Fucking love this story. it is my favorite fimfiction so far.
remember, haters hate, and potatoes potate
Damn if only I could pack action into my stories like this, this is amazing!
1051354
More 'far-fetched' than just randomly being teleported to Equestria as a foal?
1076668 1051307 you two are forgetting the treasure that, as far as rabbit knows, is through that exact corridor.
1411412 healthcentral.com/common/images/1/19598_6213_5.jpg
>>>Rabbit wasted no time leaving the dry, sun-baked earth behind and delved into the humid oasis. The sudden change of scenery was shocking. He went from being able to see nothing but endless desert in every direction to hardly being able to see past the foliage swatting him in the face every few inches. >>>
And then, a little while later... snow!
"It's snow! Snow in the same sector! Fantastic!" exclaimed Dr. Marcus.
"Fascinating," noted Savik.
"All the varieties of land and weather known to man within a few hours walk," said Dr. Marcus excitedly.
And so, we see that Equestria is yet another unstable planet created when Kahn detonated the Genesis Device in his last attempt to kill James T. Kirk. And thus, the planet's odd properties and magic can be explained by the unpredictable nature of protomatter.
Oh man, I nearly died laughing at the pole bit. Great work. And I told ya I'd stop the "Ha!" thing.
Diamond dogs or pissed off Twilight? Diamond dogs or pissed off Twilight?
Diamond dogs please!!!
And thus, upon rescue by Twilight, Andrew will go from being in one doghouse to being in another.