Interval 3.2: The One-Rodent Assault
My Little Pony:
Versus Equestria
[Welcome to Canterlot]
Interval 3.2: The One-Rodent Assault
Canterlot. The glittering ivory and gold capitol of Equestria. So not to sound redundant at this stage in our story, I’m just gonna give the city one word description so you can grasp just how grand the capitol really was.
It was sparkley.
Seriously, if I were to go into the details of how sparkley the city was you’d mistake it for an in-depth description of Edward Cullen... that’s right, I went there. I went there with bells on!
Stepping off the drawbridge suspended over the city’s moat, the duo left behind the sights of glistening, cloudy waterfalls and rushing water flowing around the base of the mountainside perched city. The gates with portcullis loomed over them before they exited the city front porch and found themselves in Canterlot proper.
The luxurious buildings leaned this way and that into the streets, topped by fancy spires waving golden flags. The paved streets were smooth and lined with grassy sidewalks, all neatly trimmed and immaculately maintained like the faces of the shops lining the wide streets.
Ponies of higher walks in life trotted proudly through their city, chins held high... or was that noses held high? It was kind of hard to tell one from other, ponies looking the way they did.
Trixie was the first to speak as she held out her human arms and smiled broadly. “Welcome to Canterlot, Rabbit. How do you feel?”
Looking around, Rabbit noticed that being bipedal meant the two of them stood about a head taller than the general Canterlot populace. Unicorns included.
“I feel tall.” Was his dry reply, causing Trixie to giggle.
Rabbit grinned a little awkwardly, shooting her a furtive glance. He’d been avoiding her gaze all day since their morning-shower debacle. He was still trying to grasp the fact Trixie had transfigured herself into a human girl. A kind of human girl who – had Rabbit been going to school with her – he would have drooled over in the back of class. The kind of girl he’d jump through hoops for just to get her attention. The kind of girl he’d beg to go to the graduation dance with him.
It seemed her magic was still quite weak, and she was limited to simple telekinesis spells, but even then just barely. Which meant she didn’t have the capacity to change back to a pony yet. As time passed her powers would recharge and she’d be able to cast the revert-spell... in about twelve hours.
Figuring her nakedness was making Rabbit uncomfortable, and feeling quite cold without her furry coat, Trixie had improvised. Without magic to conjure some clothes for herself she made do with what she was able to make with her hands. Her new digits were incredibly useful, and Trixie quickly managed to fashion quite a flattering toga out of her old cape. Her wizard’s hat still fitted, and she’d used some twine, spare strips of padding and fabric to fashion a set of simple boots.
She’d even modified her saddlebags into a belt that allowed her bags to rest comfortable on her hips.
Realising her was staring at her ass, Rabbit quickly averted his gaze before the mar-... girl, caught him. He had been scolding himself the whole way up to Canterlot proper. She’d been the first human girl he’d seen in months. She was hot. She had been naked for the love of Christ! And the first thing he does is nearly drown before noting her height!?
Idiot! He could have done anything. He could have made a smart-ass comment. He could have shrugged it off. Anything, but why come across as such a dope and note her height?
I could have come on to her... Rabbit scratched his head at that thought. Could he have though? She was still technically a pony. But they were really close. Hitting on her would be natural. Maybe she wanted him to. Why else would she have grabbed him while naked...? But what if she accepted his advance? What if they became a couple?
She was still a pony...
“Rabbit?” Trixie’s voice dragged Rabbit out of his hazy thoughts.
Blinking hard a few times, the teenager turned his head to his companion. She was tall though. Standing a little higher than Rabbit. He wondered if she did become his girlfriend if that would be weird.
Yes, dude! Rabbit heard his own voice cry in his head. It would be weird! She’s a fucking pony!
“Rabbit, are you okay?”
“Gah!” Rabbit slapped a hand across his eyes as he was pulled from his thoughts again... only to realise he’d been staring into Trixie’s cleavage. Hence the eye-slapping. Bad eyes! Bad! “Yeah, fine! I’m fine... uh.”
Rabbit paused awkwardly for a moment, glancing over his shoulder. The Canterlot palace, home of Equestria’s princesses wasn’t hard to spot. The main structure built again the central mountain Canterlot was built against was the highest, towering over the entire city – all of Equestria even. If Equestria had a throat, that central tower would be it.
Inside would be the all-powerful princesses. The Gods of this world, who might be able to solve all kinds of problems with a single wave of their horns thanks to good old magic; sweet, convenient magic.
The teenager turned back to his companion. “Okay. Fuck it. This is where I leave you.” Rabbit announced.
“W-what?” Trixie stammered. That had come out of nowhere, and a look of hurt instantly filled her watery eyes. Her mascara had somehow magically re-applied itself since that morning’s washing routine. “But... but...”
Rabbit stared confounded, part of him wondering how and why that mascara had re-applied to cause a black tear to roll down over the girl’s pale cheek.
“No!” Trixie declared with a sniffle, drawing a frown from the boy. “No, you can’t. I won’t... I won’t let...” her mouth opened as a few more black tears stained her face, but she stopped herself. She saw his frown and closed her eyes, nodding. “I won’t stop you.” she sighed sadly.
Rabbit held out his arms, wondering what the hell was going on. He remained silent though.
“I don’t have the right to stop you.” Trixie continued, trying to wipe away her tears. “You’re my best friend, Rabbit, and... and I would have...” she cleared the frog in her throat before continuing in a shaky tone. “Before you go, Rabbit, there’s one thing I want to tell you... I need you to know this. Rabbit, I-...”
A long pause of silence followed.
She couldn’t. She couldn’t explain why, but she couldn’t say it. She couldn’t say that one little phrase, not even in their final moments together.
‘I love you.’
It shouldn’t have been so hard; they were only three simple words after all. She loved him. She loved him so much, and she felt like she always would. But why couldn’t she say it out loud to his face? She had once before when he hadn’t been paying proper attention. Why couldn’t she let him know now? Entice him to stay with her? Was it the fear that even if he knew how she really felt he wouldn’t stay with her anyway? Could she handle that rejection from the love of her li-...?
A light ‘ahem’ caught her attention and threw Trixie’s train of thought off-rail. Looking up, she saw Rabbit was holding up the weave-gem stuck to his wrist.
Everything clicked into place.
Trixie gulped loudly. “You’re... you’re just going to go see the princesses about that gem.” – Rabbit nodded – “And you’ll meet me at the inn afterwards.” She finished.
Rabbit nodded again.
“I’m such an idiot.” The girl groaned as she face-palmed.
Rabbit nodded once more. “Yes you are.” He sighed with a grin before reaching out and patting her on the shoulder. “Don’t worry. Human idiocy is something you get used to.”
Trixie scoffed. “I certainly hope not.”
“I’m just going to get the princess to get rid of this McGuffin,” Rabbit explained. “Collect the reward that princess promised for saving her and I’ll catch up to you later.”
Trixie’s eyes popped when she heard that. She came to the realisation he’d be going to see Princess Luna, and that would be the princess’ chance to steal a kiss from him. Worse yet, they were in Canterlot, in her very shadow! All of a sudden Trixie didn’t want to even let her friend out of her sight.
“You’re going to see Princess Luna?” Trixie tried her best to sound calm. To no avail. “Perhaps I should come to... uh... protect? You?” she finished very slowly.
Rabbit chuckled, not noticing her panic. “See Princess Luna? Hell, no. That crazy mare straight up frenched me for no goddamn reason. I ain’t going near her without a ten-foot bludgeoning pole. Nah – her older sister Celestia sounds like the shot-caller to me.”
Trixie sighed secretly with relief. “Yes... Princess Celestia would be the best pony to see. So I’ll catch you later?” she added, stepping closer to her friend.
They were in such close proximity; Rabbit could smell the mint of her toothpaste blowing over his face. He caught the scent of daisies in her hair as a few silky strands were plucked up by the wind and brushed his cheek.
“Uh...” Rabbit nodded, taking a step back. “Yeah! Yeah, I’ll... uh...”
Like an awkward teenager unsure what she was supposed to do, Trixie stepped closer as if the embrace him in a friendly hug. Rabbit half-met her, stepping in but balking away at the same time. The two barely made contact, unsure if they had each other’s consent for contact. Both stammering awkwardly they sort of backed off, feigning motions for hugs – and in Trixie’s case, a kiss.
Building up a wave of courage, Trixie cut through the swathe of uncertainty and put her hands delicately on Rabbit’s shoulders. Holding him in place, she leaned forward, one foot leaving the ground as she bent her knee up so her lower leg was parallel to the ground. And to complete the cliché, she gently pecked her friend on the cheek before taking a step back from the confounded human boy.
“Uh...”
Rubbing her arm, Trixie felt her cheeks grow hot before turning away and making stocky paces down the street. That left Rabbit rubbing his cheek, wondering what the hell had just happened. Did they just have a first-time-shy-boyfriend-girlfriend-I-dunno-how-to-do-this moment?
Rolling his eyes with a deep sigh, Rabbit turned on his heel and started walking towards the palace, mumbling to himself the whole time. “Damn it all. This is a mental castration.”
***[]***
The plan was reasonably simple. Get in. Get sorted. Get out. Total mission time; half an hour. One hour, tops. It couldn’t possibly take longer. Unless of course he needed to book an appointment. But Rabbit was the guy who saved the princess. C’mon... did he really have to book an appointment?
So it was with a proud strut that Rabbit walked boldly past the palace guards and in through the palace entrance...
A moment later there were several distressed cries and Rabbit was shooed right out the way he had entered by a particular pony. This mare was no guard; she wasn’t even clad in armour. The unicorn had a light purple coat and a grayscale mane permed to perfection. Her horn glowed with sickly green energy as she kept a clipboard and quill levitated by her side. Simultaneously a green shield was erected over her head, used to shove Rabbit kicking and struggling out the way he had come.
The soles of his sneakers purchased on the polished floor and with a light squeak, the teenager stumbled backwards, standing outside the palace again. “Hey, what gives?” the human complained holding out his arms at the mare.
“Who do you think you are?” the unicorn demanded in a prissy, snooty tone. She had a nasally kind of voice and seemed to carry herself with her chin pointed neatly upward. And it wasn’t because she was looking up at the human. “You cannot simply barge into the palace like that.”
“Who do I think I am?” Rabbit scoffed. “Who do you think I am?” he retorted. “I’m the guy who saved Princess Luna from Nightmare Moon a while back... remember?”
“I remember a lot of ponies saving the princess from the cold grasp of Nightmare Moon.” The snooty unicorn sniffed. “What of it?”
“Well I ain’t a pony.” Rabbit said pointedly. “I’m here for the reward.”
“Reward? Hah! I’m sure.” The unicorn cleared her throat. “I am Inque-Well, Princess Celestia’s royal advisor and planner. She is currently extremely busy helping organise the Royal Wedding. She will not be seeing anypony. Certainly not con-artists and charlatans.”
Rabbit opened his mouth angrily to say something, but Inque-Well didn’t let him. Turning about-face, the pony marched back into the palace. If she thought he’d would give up just like that, that bitch would be sorely disappointed. Rabbit took a step forward to follow her inside when the portcullis suddenly slammed shut with a pronounced clang-g-g!
Gasping as he teetered on his toes, about an inch from being skewered by the gate that had fallen over the palace’s main entrance, Rabbit very delicately took a step back before balancing himself again.
Grabbing the bars of the portcullis, Rabbit gave them a yank, indicating the gate was very sturdy and not going anywhere. “I’m not a con-artist!” the human shouted after Inque-Well. “And I’m no charlatan! I don’t even know what that is! What is that, some kind of breakfast cereal?”
The royal advisor and planner ignored him as she disappeared from sight. With a sigh, Rabbit gave the portcullis another yank. It rattled, eliciting a sideways glance from the flanking guards. Grinning broadly, Rabbit patted the steel frame.
“Yup, stuck on there good!” he announced before casually stepping away. “Just... eh... y’know. Testing it out. Good home security.” He added as a point-to-note before very quickly turning around and leaving before the guards decided he was some kind of threat.
So Rabbit was locked out the palace, several metric-tonnes of mortar, brick, steel re-enforcement and security-stallions between him and the princess... and his reward of weight in gold and all that. But Rabbit wasn’t one to give up. He always had a plan.
Maybe not a very good plan most of the time, but any plan was better than no plan.
His first idea was painfully simple. Sneaking around the side of the palace he’d spotted an open window. And upon exploring, he’d found a gardener’s shed too. Using his old faithful climbing-axe like a crowbar, he’d pried the lock of the shed open, found a ladder and charged rather maniacally across the royal lawn with this long wooden ladder on his shoulder. He planted it crudely in the first bushel of daisies he could find and mounted the ladder.
“Fuck yeah, bitch!” Rabbit whooped as he ascended to the open window. “Can’t touch thi-...”
He was cut off by a rather terrifying sight as he reached the top. Hand grasping the topmost rung, Rabbit froze as he sat practically nose to nose with a pony. Inque-Well stared into the human’s eyes unsmiling.
“Heh. I celebrated a little too soon, didn’t I?” Rabbit mumbled through gritted teeth.
“Yes.” The unicorn hissed, before the top of the ladder was engulfed in her telekinetic essence.
Before Rabbit could complain the ladder was pitched backwards and the teenager was sent plummeting back down to the lawn. He made up for it by complaining on the way down.
“Oh, come ooooooooooooooooooooonn-...”
THUD!
With that failure leaving its bruises, Rabbit abandoned the ladder and re-assessed his approached. Perhaps this would require a little less Pink Panther and a little more Assassin’s Creed. Around the back of the palace was the staff entrance.
There were several white overall-clad ponies making their way inside carrying ladders, tins of paint and brushes of all shapes and sizes. The decorator ponies didn’t seem to notice the human sneaking up on their rear-most carriage and steal one of their paint-sheets.
Rabbit wrapped the Picasso-splashed sheet over his shoulders like a cloak and pulled a makeshift hood over his head. Hiding his appearance, he crouched down, walking with a slouch of epic proportions to appear more like a pony. Doing his best to blend in with the decorators, Rabbit slipped in through the staff entrance of the palace.
As the ponies and disguised human disappeared inside, all was quiet... for about six-point-two seconds. What followed were several distressed cries followed by a loud thud and a; “Whoa-whoa-whoa!” from Rabbit.
A moment later he was launched back out the way he came, skating over the slick floor on his ass before disappearing into a pile of trash cans, causing an almighty clatter to echo throughout the back alley coupled with several terrified feline screeches. Inque-Well trotted with a sigh up to the staff entrance before slamming the doors shut loudly.
Perhaps the situation called for a little less Assassin’s Creed, a little more Mirror’s Edge.
At wit’s end, Rabbit looked down from his new perch. He had picked himself out of the garbage, dusted off and climbed to a rooftop adjacent and reasonably close to the palace. Directly ahead of him was a fifth floor window handing open and inviting the teenager in.
Between him and it was about a dozen metres of open air across, another half-dozen metres down. The record long jump in Rabbit’s world was a distance of eight-point-nine metres. On the up side, Rabbit was no longer in his world. He just hoped the Equestria gravity was lighter than back home.
Looking down, Rabbit felt his head spin so bad he needed to take a step back. “Wooo, okay. Do or die.”
With a slow jog, he crossed the rooftop and turned back to face his target. He had a five meter run at it, so he’d have to build up speed as fast as possible, leap strong and high... and hope for the best.
Tightening the straps of his backpack, Rabbit rolled his shoulders and gave his gear a light shake. Nothing was loose, nothing was throwing his balance. Lowering down, he planted his fingertips on the ground and got ready to go, like a sprinter waiting for the start-gun.
A pigeon had landed on Rabbit’s predicted ‘launch-pad.’ It cooed lightly as the human glared past it at his intended target. He licked his lips in anticipation...
The pigeon flew off again. That was it. That was Rabbit’s start-gun.
With a grunt, he kicked off, pushing himself harder than he had ever done before. His sneakers pounded the rooftop loudly as he sprinted, head down and arms swinging for balance. His strides were long and his muscles screamed with every bound.
He timed his last two strides, shortening the latter as he wanted to leap off his right foot. He paced off his left and landed on his right, crouching low as his sole was planted firmly on the edge of the rooftop. And with a mighty heave he leapt clear of the rooftop.
Rabbit was launched like a window-seeking missile, soaring into the air, straight on target. His arms wind milled wildly for balance as he kicked his legs, continuing to run through the air.
Everything seemed to slow down. Every beat of Rabbit’s heart pounded audibly in his ears. Every breath was accounted for. Judging by eye, though without looking directly at the ground far beneath him, Rabbit judged his current distance across the space between buildings.
And with a skip of his heart he realised he’d soared past the halfway point. On current trajectory he’d land neatly inside the palace, long as he remembered to pull in his limbs or he’d lose something to the window frame.
A smile tugged at Rabbit’s lips... but that was kicked out shortly after.
A green glow engulfed the shutters as Rabbit soared down towards the window. His eyes widened with horror as he spotted Inque-Well walking past on the inside. She even had time to look up and flash the suspended human a sly little grin before the window’s solid wood shutters slammed shut and bolted.
“Aw, crap!” Rabbit heard his own voice say before he hit home.
Rabbit’s whole body crashed into the shutters and bounced clean off. It must have looked rather comical from a third person perspective, and on any other occasion Rabbit would have laughed – were it not for the horrible pain.
He clawed at the concrete windowsill, hoping to hang on and save himself from falling, but it was slick with no handholds. He just slipped over and plummeted directly downward.
A window on the fourth storey blurred past.
Rabbit twisted in the air, cringing as he looked down.
Third storey.
Though it wasn’t that bad. Looking directly downwards, Rabbit saw a dumpster beneath him. It was open and inside he saw what looked like fluffy pillows. A pillow-dumpster directly under his fall. How very convenient. Fate was smiling on him for once.
Second storey.
A mare appeared below carrying a pillow in her green telekinesis. The purple and greyscale with green magic was impossible to mistake. But how the hell she managed to get down there so fast went beyond all laws of normal physics. Inque-Well didn’t bother looking up as she tossed another pillow into the dumpster in passing.
As she did she gave the lid a nudge and closed the dumpster over, putting a solid metal plate between the falling human and his potentially soft landing.
Fuck you, fate.
First storey.
Kicking and holding out his arms as if that’d do anything to cushion the fall, Rabbit vocalised the first thing that came to mind: “OH, SHIT!” Impact came directly afterward.
KA-BLAM!
And that sound effect didn’t quite do the bone-crunching, hollow noise of Rabbit slamming to a halt on the dumpster proper justice.
Laying there in defeat, Rabbit groaned loudly. Eventually he slid off the slanted lid of the dumpster and collapsed to the cold and hard, but oh-so beautiful and steady ground.
***[]***
He sighed with a shake of his head. “Stubborn as a mule.” The earth-pony chuckled as he returned to the royal kitchens. As the Samaritan who had seen Rabbit’s fall and came rushing out with an ice-pack wandered back in through the open door leading to the palace kitchens, a familiar face popped up. Inque-Well eyed Rabbit where the teenager sat with his ice-pack before slamming the door shut and double-bolting it.
Once again, the palace was secure and pretty much impenetrable. Maybe a little less Mirror’s Edge, a little more Splinter Ce-... oh, forget it.
Much to Rabbit’s dismay. So there he sat in the royal gardens, perched on the base of one of the stranger looking ornamental statues, an ice-pack held against the sore bump on his head and glaring viciously up at his quandary. The palace may well have been more secure than Fort Knox with Inque-Well running riot inside.
God-damn pony and her ability to disobey the laws of makes-sense. Just thinking about her was giving him a headache. “Ugh... and ponies think I’m an ass?”
Rabbit was going over the logistics of his next plan of attack on the palace. He would construct some scaffolding and erect it along the western wall. While Inque-Well busied herself with fortifying the west, perhaps thwarting the building of the scaffolding for his next infiltration, Rabbit would actually be infiltrating the sewer system. After procuring a copy of the Canterlot sub-level blueprints from the council offices, he’d then safely navigate his way to the palace basements and tunnel his way in with a digging-device constructed entirely out of spoons...
No, that was a stupid plan. He’d have to be constructing the scaffolding and digging through the sub-structure at the same time. He’d have to be in two places at once. And if we actually knew why that particular aspect of the half-brained plan seemed stupid to the teenager, we’d all be a lot smarter.
It was while he was tossing the ice-pack over his shoulder and biting his nails while waiting for the next plan to come to mind when he got the shock of his life... the greatest shock in his life, up until that very point in his life – I believe that is an important note to take into account.
“Hello, Ser Rabbit.” Said her formal voice.
Rabbit immediately recoiled, nearly throwing himself from his seat as he looked to his side to see she had snuck up on him. The one pony he’d prefer to keep at a distance. Princess Luna stood beside him, the tall and slim alicorn had her grand wings folded neatly to her sides and her mane shone with the intensity of a starlit night sky.
“Gah!” Rabbit managed to cry before slowly recovering. “Sheesh, girl. Don’t sneak up on a guy like that. He might get to thinking you had devious plans for him.”
Grinning girlishly, the ancient pony princess lifted a hoof cutely to her face and shut her eyes as she giggled. “And what would thy know of our devious plans?” she added suggestively, angling her head closer to the human.
Rabbit blinked, wondering about that question. What did he know about her devious plans? Did he even want to know? It was a redundant thought as more pressing matters entered his brain.
“Did you just say Ser? Isn’t it sir with an ‘i’?” Rabbit asked. Hah! And you thought he was going to ask about reward money.
Luna quickly shook her head. “No.”
“I’m actually pretty sure-...”
Luna cut directly across him. “Not that we know of. And are thou questioning the ten-thousand-year-old princess?” she added as she pitched her head closer with a smile.
Rabbit let out a low whistle as he eyed her healthy figure. “Ten-thousand, eh? You look good.”
Giving a mischievous smile, the princess half turned to expose the good side of her flank to the teenager. “Really? What particular part looks the best?”
They stared at each other for a moment. Rabbit bemused, the princess looking rather sneaky... and then the teenager puffed up his cheeks trying to hold in his laughter. The ridiculous expression pulled proved rather futile as a snort escaped Rabbit before he found himself slapping his knee in laughter. It was Luna’s turn to look bemused as her confident posture slumped significantly.
Completely disregarding the question, Rabbit looked up at the palace and changed the subject with practiced ease. “So I was here to collect on that reward for saving your thousand-year-old flank.” Rabbit commented. “But that snooty adviser of your sister’s wouldn’t let me in to see her.”
“Inque-Well?” Luna chuckled. “It is strange how that pony makes a better guard than she does a royal adviser.” The princess tapped a hoof against her lip thoughtfully for a moment before an idea sprang in her head. Her expression suddenly brightened to the intensity of the sun as she turned her gaze to Rabbit. “We have an idea! She would have to let thee in if thou art a royal guest!”
“Cool.” Rabbit nodded. “So invite me over for tea.”
“We have a better reason to invite you into the palace, Ser Rabbit.” A wide toothy smile spread over the princess’ face.
Rabbit blinked, oblivious that he was quite possibly looking at the Royal Canterlot Rape-face. The chills running down his spine should have given it away, but hanging on to his optimism the boy listened further.
“Ser Rabbit,” Princess Luna announced in a grand voice that nearly knocked the teenager over. “Would thee like to join us for an afternoon of video games?”
Rabbit choked on air when he heard that invitation. Coughing and spluttering wildly, he quite literally fell off his perch this time, landing in the grass with a thud. Scrambling on all fours as the confused princess leaned in to see if he was okay, the human thrust himself back to his feet before turning nose to nose with Luna.
“Did you just say video games!?” the human exclaimed. “Ponies have video games? Of course! Fuck yeah! I haven’t played video games in months!” Rabbit was over the moon. He thought he had to drop one of his favourite past times completely now he was in Equestria. If ponies had video games they were awfully quiet about it.
But what kind of games did ponies play?
“What kind of games do you play?” Rabbit quickly asked.
Luna scoffed, all royal official-ness leaving her tone and expression. Her eyes widened excitedly like those of Rabbit’s realising the human knew of – and wanted to be – gaming.
“First person shooters of course!” Luna exclaimed happily, a very teenage break entering her voice. “Duh!” yup. Royal disposition completely gone now. Rabbit was now in the presence of Luna’s gamer personality.
“Holy shit!” Rabbit threw his arms up with joy. “Let’s totally get some Halo up in this!”
“Ohmygosh, I love Haylo!” Luna exclaimed as she sat down and reared back, clapping her fore hooves together excitedly. “Versus or co-op?”
“Co-op, score-count enabled.” Rabbit challenged. “Legendary difficulty with all skulls on!”
“Hah!” Luna laughed confidently with a hoof on her chest. “Challenge accepted, ser knight. Prepare for a royal flank-kicking by a royal sister. But, eh...” Luna quickly calmed herself and rose to her hooves, clearing her throat loudly. “There is one thing though.”
Rabbit leaned against the base of the statue casting its shadow over them. “Yeah? What’s that?”
“There is a toll.” Luna sighed. “We are using my game system, in my wing of the palace, in my bedroom, and...”
“Okay, I get the point.” Rabbit chuckled. “You’re charging for a gaming session. I think I just realised what the word charlatan means. Shoot. What’s the damage?”
“A kiss.”
The payment was so painfully simple on the one hand; on the other Rabbit felt like Luna had just asked him to pay in a blood-sacrifice. “W-... uh... saywhatnow?”
Luna giggled at the shocked expression plastered on Rabbit’s face. “A kiss.” She repeated cutely, a pinkish hue entering her cheeks this time. “Just a kiss... but...”
“There’s a but?” Rabbit almost shouted disbelievingly. Rubbing his eyes, the teenager sighed before calming himself down and nodding. “There’s always a but. Okay. Have at me. What is it?”
Luna glanced suspiciously from left to right as if to look for eaves-droppers. She angled her head to encourage Rabbit to move closer. As he complied, the princess lowered her head to the side of his face as she lowered her voice too.
“It has to be willing.” She whispered. “A willing kiss.” Backing off she smiled. “That’s not too much to ask for, is it?”
Rabbit’s left eye was twitching as he gaped almost angrily. Too much to ask for? She was asking him to snog her – a pony – and be into it? Despite his glare, the corners of his mouth upturned as he saw deeper into the issue.
What a sneak! Sure it should have been creepy, but the princess’ powers of extortion were something to be admired at the same time.
“Oh-ho, wow.” Rabbit chuckled with a shake of his head. “You madam, are a scoundrel and a pirate.”
Luna gave a big toothy grin.
“I knew I shouldn’t have let on to how much I wanted to play video games. So the only way I’m playing video games today is if kiss a horse?”
Luna thought about that for a while before a new mischievous grin plastered her face. “Actually...” she mused.
At the same time her horn began to glow. Dull at first. Then brighter. And brighter... and then even brighter than that. The light was blinding. Rabbit’s eyes clamped shut to no avail. It was like the light was inside his eyelids. Shading his face with a hand he could feel the heat of the magic hit him with a frontal assault, simultaneously hoping he wasn’t being sterilised by what might be some kind of radiation.
When the light finally faded, Rabbit blinked away various multi-coloured spots from his eyes. Shaking it off, the teenager squinted at Princess Luna.
Standing in her place was a girl. Seventeen years old, a slender figure and gothy pale skin with a very subtle greyish hint. She had night-sky blue hair cascading down past her shoulders and beyond her slim waist. Her body was clad by a very low cut night-gown that left little to the imagination, moulded to follow her body’s elegant curves and adorned with several pale crescent jewels. The gown ended just below the hips leaving her legs bare as she stood barefoot in the grass.
The slightly slanted almond eyes and the dark tiara perched on her head were unmistakably those of the princess, though she wasn’t... quite human. She was more elvish, with sharp, delicate features and her ears weren’t rounded, but outwardly pointed almost like that of a cat.
“Luna?” Rabbit gasped at the humanised-... well, elven-ised pony.
“Surprised?” the princess held out her arms as if to say ‘ta-daa’ before giving a dazzling smile.
“I...” Rabbit paused, scratching his head through his bush-hat. “Uh... no. Trixie pulled this one on me already.” He said a little plainly. Though he’d seen this before, it didn’t mean he was completely over it.
Rabbit didn’t notice Luna’s expression sink as he mentioned Trixie. “She did, did she?” the princess growled.
Rabbit didn’t answer, his attention-span entirely consumed by eying the girl over. He couldn’t help it. He was a teenager with raging hormones. Oh, those horrible, disgusting, irritating hormones. Why did they curse him so?
Noticing, Luna smirked. Her idea to turn human to woo the teenager may not have been original, but it seemed to be working regardless. That kiss was as good as hers. “Oh, Rabbit.” The princess chimed seductively in a sing-song voice as she bent forward.
Catching his eye, she pulled him closer with a finger delicately hooked under his chin. The dumbfounded human stumbled lightly as Luna very slowly straightened up with the boy’s face close to hers.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Luna asked playfully. Rabbit stared for a minute. “Something you owe me?” Rabbit was still staring. Luna giggled. “Video games, Rabbit. Focus.” She teased, parting her lips and angling her head to one side a little as they closed the proximity between their faces.
Unbeknownst to the princess, Rabbit was actually suffering from what some boys his age call too-good-to-be-true syndrome. See, sometimes when a teenager is presented with a situation that seems too good to be true – like being extorted for a kiss by a gorgeous girl – the brain just seizes up and enters a catatonic state. Instinct tells the teenager that it is simply too good to be true, so the first involuntary reaction is to not react at all and simply go with the flow.
Rabbit had entered stasis. He was catatonic. He was a deer in the headlights.
And then there was a little voice that cut through all those spider webs and pools of molasses sticky-ing up Rabbit’s brain. The voice of sense. A voice of reason that had whispered to him the first time in his life only a few months ago.
“Hey!” the girl’s voice cried.
A light of sobriety lit up in Rabbit’s eyes as she blinked hard a few times. “Trix?”
In response was a demonic roar. The screech of a succubus defending a prey fairly marked. The war cry of a harpy charging a hapless victim. The bellow of a mighty Valkyrie descending upon her foe, her voice alone enough to instil terror in witnesses for aeons to come.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being fucked with.
“YOU WHORE!” came the great and powerful voice, screamed at the top of her lungs.
Rabbit stepped back in confusion, though it wasn’t Luna who had cried that. Luckily he stepped back just in time before a pale cornflower blue and purple, laser guided missile slammed headlong into the princess’ midsection. Looking down in time, Rabbit saw it was Trixie.
Still in her human form, the traveling magician had lowered into a tackle, throwing herself into Princess Luna’s slender waist. There was no struggle. The two just fell to the ground rolling over each other, each pair of hands grasping at anything to hold on to. They were both new to the concept of hands, so they found fingers were excellent at grasping. And since they both had no experience with ‘human female bodies’ they grasped angrily at pretty much anything they could get their hands on without any regard for tact.
“Yikes!” Rabbit squeaked, stunned by the two girls wrestling in the dirt before him.
Trixie was the first to get the upper hand, pinning Luna face down so the dirt ground against her clean cheek. Her other hand grabbed a handful of the princess’ long hair and pulled hard eliciting a yelp from Luna. “You were cheating! Trixie saw! You were bribing that kiss out of him!” the taller girl cried.
Luna managed to twist around, grabbing haphazardly at Trixie. What her hand found, I’d rather not go into detail. Let’s just say she found a handful of chest... okay, maybe too much detail. Point is, Trixie let out a surprised gasp and it was Luna’s turn to pin. And the princess looked like she had done this before.
Straddling Trixie’s waist, Luna grabbed the taller girl by the wrists and punned her down, her locks of late-evening hair gathering over Trixie’s face. With an angry huff, the girl blew the hair out of her face as Luna grinned with their faces in close proximity.
“There was no rule to say it wasn’t allowed!” Luna announced.
“Because there were no rules!” Trixie argued as she craned her neck closer.
Watching, still in shock, Rabbit secretly wondered if they were about to kiss. He was missing out of video games, but strangely he didn’t really mind. He was dragged out of his trance as Trixie wrestled a leg out from under the princess and wrapped it around Luna’s narrow waist.
Heaving with all her might it was Trixie’s turn to straddle Luna. And yes, I know exactly how that sounds. Staying on the point (I know how that sounds too), both girls’ already scanty attire was scuffed, covered in dirt and beginning to tear in places leaving even less to the imagination of any who watched.
“Shenanigans! The Great and Powerful Trixie calls shenanigans! Trixie demands a re-match!” the girl on top cried.
“Well, too bad, Lulamoon! You’re just a sore loser!” Luna retorted in a tone reserved for when one girl was teasing another. “Always have been! Just look at the first Ponyville ruckus you were involved in!”
“That’s it! New rules! Rule number one: Trixie kicks your flank into next week!”
“Rule number two: Bring it on!”
They disappeared into a tangle of limbs and clouds of dust as the duo scuffled on the ground. They’d roll over, pin each other down, pull at limbs, pull at hair, pull at clothes and pull at... okay, getting way too into this.
Regardless of the sight that should have been every teenage boy’s fantasy, Rabbit stood by in utter confusion. He had no idea how. He had no idea why. It just did not make sense. So there he stood, rubbing his temples as his brain threatened to explode as he tried to rationalise everything that was happening.
“Confound it, one of these days this bullshit’ll drive me to raging alcoholism.” He groaned like he was in pain.
At that moment he noticed a cold shadow glide over the head. Over the squeals and yelps of the fighting girls rolling about the place, Rabbit made out the distinct sound of air ruffling through feathers. Secretly Rabbit hoped that was God, descending down from the heavens to deliver him to hell for his sins. That way he didn’t have to put up with the sheer randomness of Equestria anymore.
Opening his eyes and turning his head, Rabbit saw it wasn’t actually God... well. Not his God anyway.
Taller than Luna, the slender pony might have been better described as an actual horse. Were it not for the horn on her head, with mighty feathered wings and a grand stature Rabbit may have been witness to the first proper Pegasus based on the Greek mythology he was used to while growing up. Everything about the alicorn newcomer was grand, everything from her mane, golden tiara down to the stylized sun-shaped cutie-mark blazing on her flank.
Her magnificent mane and tail rippled in a non-existent breeze, splaying an aura of constantly shifting bands of colours; everyone within the visible light-spectrum.
Luna’s older sister and primary ruler of Equestria was impossible to mistake.
Folding her wings neatly by her sides, Princess Celestia walked elegantly closer. She first eyed Rabbit over, before turning her gaze to the fighting girls.
“Rabbit?” the grand princess asked. She had a kind, motherly voice that was a comfort to listen to, but she hinted as some sternness; obviously a figure who could be athorative and disciplinary when she needed to be. “What is going on here?”
“Your guess is good as mine.” Rabbit scoffed with a shrug. “Who are you?” but most importantly, how the hell did she know Rabbit?”
“I am Princess Celestia.” The princess announced. “I have been watching you for a while now, young man.”
“Uhh...”
“We will address that soon.” The princess clarified unsmiling. Leaving Rabbit a little worried, Celestia moved gracefully closer to where her sister was pulling at Trixie’s hair.
Trixie had one hand reached back, pulling at the skirt of Luna’s gown. Her other hand was planted in the dirt like her knees. The magician’s head was angled back, one eye angrily closed as Luna had one arm wrapped around Trixie’s throat, the other pulling at her cornflower blue hair. They were caught in a struggle, both wondering what the next move to make was. That was when Celestia cast their shadow over them.
Instantly letting go of each other, both girls remained on their knees looking up at the tall mare.
“Sister, this behaviour is unbecoming of a princess.” Celestia scolded sternly. There was that disciplinary tone, and it sent a shiver down Rabbit’s spine. “What were you thinking?”
“But Tia,” Luna whined pointing at Trixie. “She attacked me!”
“And you should have known better than to retaliate such childish violence with more childish violence!” Celestia scorned. “Have I taught you nothing?”
Cringing under her sister’s glare, Luna fidgeted nervously with her fingers. At the same time, with a winning smile on her face, Trixie stuck her tongue out at the princess of the night.
“And don’t think I take you attacking my sister lightly, Trixie Lulamoon.” Celestia’s voice suddenly snapped.
Trixie neutralised her expression and gritted her teeth so quickly she nearly bit off her tongue.
Feeling a little bad, Rabbit scratched the back of his head before leaning closer and clearing his throat. “Uhh...” the teenager started a little uncomfortably. He still had no idea why those two had been fighting, but he had to try something to lighten the mood, right?
Still, Princess Celestia didn’t seem in a mood-lightening frame of mind. With a stern glare she rounded on the boy causing him to instantly retreat. It was a parental kind of glare that didn’t say ‘I’m angry’ but more-so said something along the lines of ‘I’m disappointed’ which always hurt so much more.
“And now we finally meet face to face, Rabbit.” Celestia said as if she were calling him out for an epic final battle of some sort.
“Uhh...” seemed to be all Rabbit could say to the princess.
The princess pony had leaned in close. So close in fact, they were nose to nose. It felt like her glare was piercing his skull and invading his thoughts. He could smell sweet cake on her breath. Immediately he wondered if the princess was a sweet-tooth for some odd-reason.
It seemed she was. Though her taste at that moment wasn’t for anything inherently sweet.
It came out of nowhere. Years from that moment, retired and telling the story to his grandchildren Rabbit would still not be able to rationalise reasoning behind it. It happened so quick, perhaps there was no reasoning behind it at all.
Celestia’s expression softened. Her eyes brightened and there was a small smile on her mouth. Rabbit barely had time to register the cheer when her lips locked his.
The odour of cake he’d picked up on earlier was pretty accurate. She tasted like banana and walnut cake, complete with icing of course. Completely lost though, Rabbit’s eyes closed and he just went with it. The ‘too-good-to-be-true’ instinct had kicked in again and he was a puppet to Celestia’s whim. Nothing made sense anymore. He didn’t care though.
Just go with it, dude. Rabbit heard his own voice say in the back of his mind. He was intending to do just that. Thinking was giving him headaches.
The less he thought about the fact that was the third time in about a week he’d been snogged by a pony, the better. The gag reflex could only take so much.
When the kiss was broken after a short moment, Celestia looked proud of herself. To be honest, Rabbit was rather proud of himself too – for successfully not vomiting right in the princess’ mouth. But Celestia’s pride was more-so revealed, especially when she cast a sly glance to Luna and Trixie.
Both humanised ponies glanced at each other with panic rising within them.
“Did... did she... and with... but then... and... but...” they both stammered, incapable of forming coherent complaints. Celestia hadn’t been part of their competition, so her kiss didn’t count...
Right?
Clearing her throat, Celestia straightened up. “My dear, Rabbit.” She announced, kindness creeping back into her voice. “You have stolen; lied, cheated... your moral compass is extremely skewed, perhaps even broken. But you rescued my sister from the clutches of Nightmare Moon and you succeeded in doing the right thing in Ponyville. It is apparent to me that you seem to know right from wrong when it counts.
“This is good enough for me to give you a chance.” Celestia just giggled at Rabbit’s flustered expression. “Just, don’t let me catch you getting into any more trouble. Okay?”
“I’ll be discreet.” Rabbit said very slowly. Had he just gotten away with everything there? Celestia seemed to be pretty lenient...
But considering she could just as easily banished him to the freakin’ moon, the teenager decided not to push his luck. Oh, God, these ponies were weird.
“Now,” Celestia flicked back her mane before turning to Luna and Trixie. “Back to this other issue of these two fighting like school fillies.”
“Yeah.” Rabbit agreed, glad to draw attention away from himself. “What’ gives, Trix? Princess Luna stealing away your boyfriend or something?”
Trixie and Luna glanced at each other before looking away blushing. Even Celestia chuckled. It seemed Rabbit was the only one who had no idea how accurate the princess’ analogy was. And realising he was the odd man out, the teenager shrugged.
“What?”
Shaking her head, Celestia moved closer to her sister and Trixie. “Now Luna, what did I say about taking a bipedal form?” she scolded, though not in a very stern voice. She was still in a kind mood, and her small grin didn’t fade. Still, Luna’s pointed ears drooped visibly. “You can’t simply drain your powers so...”
As Celestia went into the finer points of why Luna shouldn’t have done what she did, Rabbit lost interest. Not for lack of actual interest, now his brain had caught up to the situation he could sit there and watch Trixie and Luna mud-wrestle all day. No, it was something more important cropping up that side-tracked the teenager.
There was a distinct crunch in the background. A pebble immediately smacked into the brim of Rabbit’s hat causing him to flinch. Looking down he spotted the grey stone hit the grass beside his right foot. Stooping, he picked it up and looked at it.
The stone was some kind of granite. Perfectly smooth, hollowed out and carved with immaculate detail. It looked like... a toe? More specifically, it was some kind of hawk talon. Hollow though, like something fitted inside.
Three more bits of rock plinked against Rabbit’s hat, causing him to drop the stone and flinch with every strike.
“The hell?” he whispered, turning on the spot to see where the assault was coming from.
What he ended up looking at caused him to blink confoundedly. The bizarre statue towering over him was unlike anything he’d ever seen.
The creature depicted in cold stone looked like a draconic Frankenstein creation. The head of a pony, with a long slender body like that of a snake covered in short fur. It had the goatee of a goat to go with great big bushy eyebrows, one horn from a ram and an antler of a deer perched on the opposite end of his skull. The serpentine tail was adorned with draconic spines and ending in a spiny fin. One arm seemed to have been adopted from an eagle, the other a paw of a lion. One leg came from a goat, and the other leg was that of a lizard. His wings were even contrasting, one stubby little disproportionate wing from a bat, the other a feathery number like that of a Pegasus pony.
All across the surface of the statue were multiple cracks and tears emitting a vibrant white light.
A gasp somewhere behind Rabbit told the teenager Celestia had turned around to see exactly the same. Rabbit glanced over his shoulder to see what Princess Celestia was making of the sight.
“Oh, no.” was all the mighty celestial being could say at the sight.
Looking back to the breaking statue, the human cringed. “Is that bad?”
“That’s dreadful.”
“Oh, good.” Rabbit snarked, his hand inching back towards the handle of his climbing-axe. “My day was lacking in the dreadful department.”
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Trollestia Strikes Again!
Or Snogs, either works
Inque-Well.
Nobody expects the Inque-sition!
And him. but then, we all saw that coming, didn't we? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Discord.png
Straddling Trixie’s waist, Luna grabbed the taller girl by the wrists and punned her down
>and punned her down
>punned
how do you do that? can you teach me?
1399690 Heh. Inque-Sition. Brilliant! I might use that.
1399696 I'm gonna leave that type-o in there, just so this comment maintains relevance.
Well that was . . . . interesting, let the chaos begin.
Aaaand Discord. Of course.
I just love this story.
Celestia comes in and shows them how it's done! Yeah!
~Have a good one.
Skyrim, is that you?
Inque-Well, eh? Five bits says it's Pinkie's sister.
509904 if there actually is a good romance in it then i'll be happy.
Totally saw that one coming.
I mean, really, you brought a human with loose morals into Canterlot, could this have gone any other way?
Not to say that it wasn't or won't be glorious and/or hilarious.
Continue, good sir.
YAY Discord! I wonder if he knows what humans are hehe.
Huh... I thought Discord only got free because the Elements weren't bound to Celestia and Luna anymore. I doubt any odd bickering could set him free again
btw, I love how he responds to Celestia's "don't let me catch you getting into any more trouble." by bluntly saying he'll try not to be caught
Having two ponies fighting over you while in human form, one of them being the Avatar of the moon, then getting kissed by said avatar of the moons sister the avatar of the sun, while SHE is in pony form and then accidently releasing the embodiment of chaos........it's just gonna be one of those days.
my mind... its not quite right anymore. It sunk into those dangerous places...
And now the God of Chaos meets the Master of Chaos. I wonder if Canterlot will be around when they're through. . .
So, uh, this chapter sure could use some fanart, couldn't it?
wtf..i dont even...........
bit with Tia was hilarious though, keep it up!
I can totally understand Rabbit's thoughts for most of this chapter.
>>>
<<< This face! This face right here!
Just a mental equivalent of this face just scrolling through his brain space, over and over again.
Im sure his thoughts were something like: Error Brain.exe not found.
Discord breaking free around the same time as the changeling queen invades... this will be awesome!
Trollestia! Totally called it! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png
Built against for one, for two, you can probably cut Canterlot was built against completely, make the sentence somewhat less confusing to read. Or was that just me? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Derpy_Hooves.png
You'd think Luna would have known better than to fight RIGHT IN FRONT OF DISCORD'S STATUE.
Seriously, that occurred to me at the beginning of the fight, after the story had said he was resting near one of the 'stranger looking statues in the garden.' What was Luna thinking?
Good chapter, though. Can't wait to read more :)
Know what I think Dissy's gonna do?
He's gonna make Rabbit an Honorary Chaos God and go on vacation.
After all, Rabbit managed to convince one of the rulers of Equestria and Trixie to get into a catfight, and got the other ruler to kiss him, by standing there quietly.
Also, it's the kind of thing nobody in-universe would suspect.
1402075 That sounds like an offer to me.
1402875
Nopony panic! I can fix it! I can fix that! I just don't know what went wrong!
1405412
I blame elves. Cheeky bastards.
>Out-chaos the Crusaders.
Oops.
Shit storm imminent.
I look forward to what happens next. Especially since I'm stuck on Hands at the moment...
I really hate the trope where a human enters Equestria and suddenly all the Princesses want to snog him. It's so out of character and just plain odd, why in heaven's name would they find a human attractive to begin with? They have completely different anatomic structures and norms where attractiveness is concerned (they take great pains to maintain an impeccable coat and mane; we do not even have those things), heck to them we probably look like oversized naked mole rats without the overbite if you think about it.
1431788
Luna has taken on the "damsel in distress" role, post "distress". She's almost cast as an ingénue, although Rabbit isn't mirroring her role.
As far as we've seen, Celestia is just thanking Rabbit for saving Luna. While I wouldn't normally expect such a kiss to be on the lips, I forgive it for comedic effect in the middle of a love triangle catfight.
And Trixie has legitimately fallen for Rabbit over the months they've been together.
tl;dr:
Celestia's a troll, Luna's suffering from an attachment disorder, and Trixie's in love.
Shit be flying all over the damn place!
Wonder what more Discord could do.
So I just all the way up to 3.2 and I just want to say that this story is very well written and does a great job describing things in very intricate detail. I love the Trixie and human pairing and I really love the love triangle that's forming (even though Rabbit only belongs with Trixie
)
I normally comment on every chapter I read but this story sucked me in into reading through everything without stopping! Still want to read more on Andrew's relationship with Twilight...
I can't wait for more chapters for this amazing story. 10/10 Would read again.
1399696
All it takes is an intimate understanding of puns. you initiate the gag reflex until they fall down. (no pun intended)
I just want to say that I love this story! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_cake.png
Guy who predicted Celesta would kiss Rabbit, have a banana. Jealousy mode activated, (boop)
Booyah!!! Time to fight discord!!!
So is Trixie older than Rabbit? Is she also taller than him in her human form? A great read nonetheless, keep it up.