when tears won't bring you back

Simple Static #1 · Dec 2nd, 2014 · · ·

When tears ~~wont~~ won't bring you back

pony grave-yard, (space) for one reason she was to too busy.

With the Princesses retired on foal mountain to meditate ,~~she was passed on the duties of Equestria.~~ This sentence does not make sense.They still raise the Moon and Sun,(space)but the rest was up too her.

leaving the land before he destroyed it, (space) but

~~The~~ Equestrian law has always banned dragons from there land with the exception of Spike. ~~because~~ He was an experiment to see if a dragon growing up with a pony

Simple Static

Simple Static #2 · Dec 2nd, 2014 · · ·

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She was over 150 years

brown western hat that laid in front and the 3 three apples engraved in the stone.

element of honesty," Twilight read as her voice cracked with a mix of bitterness (<),mournful regret, no need for the comma since you have an "and". and sorrow. Twilight sat in front of the gravestone, letting the cold Autumn wind blow through her purple main. (<)" this was your favorite season, Apple-bucking season. *heh* I remember you wanted to do it ~~buy~~ by yourself (<), but reluctantly agreed for our help.

Simple Static

Simple Static #3 · Dec 2nd, 2014 · · ·

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"(<) You once told me that we will be friends forever. With the elements bound to us we will always be connected. When we gave them to the tree we all pretended nothing changed, but we all grew apart from each other and drove each other away, and you were proved wrong. (<)" She looked around the grave at the other Apple family stones. "You had an amazing family, but your they're? all gone now. Applebloom is barren and can't expand your family name, ~~its~~ it's 'its' is possessive pronoun. 'it's' is short "it is" sad really."

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Simple Static #4 · Dec 2nd, 2014 · · ·

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The next grave was a 3 tri-colored grave; blue, gold, and red. In front sat an ~~older~~ orange pony with a fading (implies the age) purple mane and small wings. Twilight sat next to the ageing pony.

"(>) haven't seen you in years

"(>) yea, I have been busy." Scootaloo said with little to no it would be better to pick one or the other emotion at all.

"Look, there was nothing you could have done; Rainbow's death wasn't your fault. She just-"
~~Twilight was cut off.~~
"IT WAS MY FAULT,space SHE DIED BECAUSE OF ME!" Scootaloo screamed back

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Simple Static #5 · Dec 2nd, 2014 · · ·

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"(>) You weren't there, I watched the ~~worlds~~ world's greatest flyer, space my hero, fall to her death." Scootaloo explained.

Scootaloo crying about how she jumped off a cliff to try to fly. ~~but~~ Rainbow trying to save her. Breaking a wing and falling to her death. The short sentences built suspense and drama. Exactly what you want for these situations.

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Simple Static #6 · Dec 2nd, 2014 · · ·

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Twilight was running out of time . She only had a few hours left of her day ~~off~~ left, plus things were getting a little to intense between her a Scootaloo. She said her things Just things? Maybe a more emotive word? Wishes? Goodbyes? to Rainbows grave

"You were as loyal as they come, though just as cocky and brash. Even though all of us separated after I became a full-time princess in Canterlot. I know someday we will reunite and be friends once again." Twilight finished, placing a "Wonderbolt's Academy" medal on the grave and leaving.

"Here lies Trixie the Great and Powerful." ~~she read will rolling her eyes and saying the sentence sarcastically~~ she read sarcastically, rolling her eyes in the process.

~~Its~~ It's not that she hated Trixie. ~~its just~~ She just wasn't worth the trouble to mourn over. As Twilight continued she noticed ~~other names on the graves she knew and loved;~~ the names of other ponies she knew and loved dearly.

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Simple Static #7 · Dec 2nd, 2014 · · ·

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The Cakes

Before Twilight could think to much of it, she arrived at the ~~3rd~~ third grave site, ~~one she didn't know what to say too.~~ one she was lost for words over. The grave of ~~coarse~~ course was made of gems, she had a thing for going all out like that.

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Simple Static #8 · Dec 2nd, 2014 · · ·

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"The Element of Generosity: Rarity" Twilight said with a sigh ~~soon after~~.

and not Rarity because Twilight was a princess. Rarity got jealous and she never spoke with Twilight again

relationship with Rarity was left destroyed. Rarity died loathing Twilight Sparkle.

" (>)Rarity, I have nothing to say but I'm so sorry for everything. I never liked Fancy Pants, you had it all wrong. And as for Spike, I only wish you knew how much he loved you and he never, ever meant to hurt you. Wherever you are, I only hope these words reach you and that you understand how I feel; you were my best friend and nothing will change that."

probably the biggest; leaving a huge impact on Ponyville.

Twilight read " (>) the Element of Laughter, Pinkamena Diane Pie AKA Pinkie Pie."

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Simple Static #9 · Dec 2nd, 2014 · · ·

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partying "(>) hardcore" as she called it. She was eating loads

You were an earth pony with ~~her~~ your own powers."

"There's not much to say, you lived a great life. Even when we separated, you still made us smile. In time you could have probably brought us back...maybe even preventing all of your our? deaths." space Twilight hesitated, space " (>) but we can't always worry of what could have been. You lived life to the fullest, making it your sworn duty to make sure no-pony was friendless space *heh* I could have learned a lot from you Pinkie, you made Ponyville a better place and we thank you."

When traveling back she saw her old tree castle, too depressed she vowed to never return to it. It was were she would rule with her friends, but they left her alone to rule. that needs rewording." space that adventure is for another day." As she continued towards Canterlot she had one last thing to say.

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Simple Static #10 · Dec 2nd, 2014 · · ·

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"(>) I only wish I knew where you are Fluttershy, I don't know

away. By time Twilight got the message she was long gone. Years past and Twilight received no confirmation of her death or life concerning Fluttershy.

Seriously? You have an entire government at your disposal and you can't find one pony?

But then again it took us like three years to get Malcolm Naden

Simple Static

Simple Static #11 · Dec 2nd, 2014 · · ·

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"(>) I know she's out there I can feel it."
Twilight walked the rest of the way in hope that at least one friend is still alive and maybe she isn't so alone in this world.

probably sound cocky ugg sorry if I do, I just always wanted a youtuber to read my stuff.

Never be sorry.

Simple Static

Simple Static #12 · Dec 2nd, 2014 · · ·

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Well. That's a productive two and half hours.
If you haven't already. Go to the menu bar> FAQs > Writing Guide. It's got everything you need from grammar to plot development and other useful hints and tips.

Overall the story was pretty good. Minus the grammar the only other thing you can do better is "show don't tell". I was kinda like "pony did this". Try to flesh out your sentences. Try to make it 'realistically descrpitive'. Don't write what they're doing; write how they're doing it and how they're interacting with the environment and other ponies and vice versa.
Just another thing: Break up your descriptive paragraphs. There was one that was just descriptions followed by commas and so forth. Makes it a tad hard to read.

Overall: well done, you'll get better as you toot along. Same with anything; you can only get better.

Silverronin86

Silverronin86 #13 · Dec 2nd, 2014 · · ·

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Thank you simple spark for all you advice and input. I guess I could've really worked better on the story but I was trying to get it out faster. Plus I don't get a lot of time on a real labtop so I gotta do it off my phone, very hard if you never tried it. But with my new found info next fanfic will be a lot better, promise

Simple Static

Simple Static #14 · Dec 4th, 2014 · · ·

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5337164
Not a problem. I actually did all that editing on my phone. Ouch.
I enjoy helping people out with grammar, mainly because I can't offer anything else. Maybe plot ideas. Maybe.
My advice: read the writer's guide here on FIMfiction. Then read it again. It will help a lot more then anything I can offer you.
Any ideas for your second story?
By the way: there's a little arrow up on the top right of my comment which will link my comment when you reply. That gives the person a notification when you reply to their stuff.

Silverronin86

Silverronin86 #15 · Dec 4th, 2014 · · ·

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5344176
Well I was thinking about making one about Lyra or the origins of Trixie. Seeing how I relate very well to those characters I thought I could write them well. Other than that I'm still working on a new story.

You helped immensely, seeing how I'm new I know what to write and how the structure should be to better my writing. Thanks again

Simple Static