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Spriteville

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The Psychopath

The Psychopath #1 · Oct 30th, 2014 · 2 · ·

Get a proof-reader. Seriously. One of the most painful things to note is that your description has no punctuation and goes on and on and on. Then your story itself. So much breaking and segmentations. While the descriptions are lucid enough to be able to 'see' what you want to show, they're too...undescriptive? After a dialogue, you don't segment anything. It's one line.

"Well, this looks interesting," one of the two ponies said as the professor led them to a giant, bigger than the earlier colony cages he had showed them before. The two ponies looked through the glass with wide eyes as they watched a colony of 40 to 50 parasprites buzzing around, their large eyes glowing in the forestry habitat they called home.

Should be:

"Well, this looks interesting," one of the two ponies said.

The professor led them to a giant, colony cage much bigger than the ones he had shown previously. The two ponies looked through the glass with wide eyes as they watched a colony of 40 to 50 parasprites buzzing around, their large eyes glowing in the forestry habitat they called home.

Also, too much repetition in some parts. The names shouldn't be used so many times. Vary the descriptions in the same paragraph enough that the initial character is still recognized.

No. I didn't rate the story. I can say that this was a decent effort for a first-time and there's clearly room for a lot of improvement on your part for the future. Don't misinterpret that last sentence. I can't word it better . I mean that you'll become better and better as time progresses, so you'll most certainly become a great writer if you keep on going.