Equestria Legends Online - Macca's Mission

by Merseybeat

8 February 2020

39 Winter I 1052 (8 February 2020)
82 kilometres south-west of Ponyville
14:10

---

Hello, me name’s Paul McColtney, or, on Earth, Jeremy. So far, there’s been 25 (or so, I don’t keep check) deaths. Me mate’s out over there, picking a couple pears.

His name is John Lenneigh, and we’ve got a pretty successful team going. In case you need to know, (or just forgot,) he’s roughly 0’2 shorter than I am, to roughly 7.675 hands, is lightish green, has a messy brown mane and tail from all the fighting, Oh yeah, he’s a Unicorn, has kinda small eyes, (still gigantic by human standards, though.) and has a sheet of paper with a pen and a low note.

Hm, this tree seems good. Oak, roughly 150 years old, rather sturdy. It’ll do great for sharpening this knife. The other trees in this dark forest don’t seem nearly as resistant. It’s as if they were planted much later by a couple hundred ponies. Actually, they probably were.

Woah, we’ve got hostiles! Zombies!

I take out me Tele (what? It was the closest thing available,) and jam it into its abdomen. Baham, I just decimated the thing. Now, for the other 90%. This’ll be good.

I take out me wooden sword, and carve an eight-pointed star into its chest. It dissolves into a cloud of blue code.

Then, I feel the presence of another zombie. I stick me sword into its jaw and push up. Max Damage!

It also disappears into a cloud of blue code, bits flying everywhere. (See what I did there?)

Good. I put me sword back into its sheath.

Although, I just can’t help but feel bad for them, I mean, they had lives, and I could clearly hear them screaming in pain, yelling “Oh god, help me!”

I feel like a murderer.

Anyway, I walk over to Lenneigh, but not before I find an axe as one of the drops. It’s a plain design, the head tied up to the handle with rope.

Well, this’ll be handy.

So, I walk over towards him, and ask how it’s going along.

He looks at me with a sort of “really?” expression, as if to say “What do you think is going on? There was zombies just right here!”

“Yes, I know that there were zombies, Lenneigh.” I say, answering the question that he was obviously asking, with a grin on me face.

I then hear a sort of ruffling sound behind me, and turn around, raising me axe at the offending area. It appears to be a bush.

A purple mass jumps out at me from the aforementioned bush, with its sword raised, landing in front of me.

It’s a player, but I shouldn’t be too trusting, haters back on YouTube would go to Brony videos just to call the Bronies “unnatural,” so if there are some here, they’d be perfectly happy to commit several counts of murder, because it’s justified, since they don’t share the same opinion. Not true. Sorry to bring it up, but Hitler did the same thing for the same reason.

I approach the player with caution, holding me axe to its neck, and it’s holding its sword to me hoof, until it-no, he motions for me to drop me weapon.

I do so blindly, which is a formula for death, until he drops his. We stare at each other, first from suspicion, then to curiosity as whom we are finally sink in.

“So, you’re George, huh?” I ask, me voice filled with suspicion.

“Yeah,” was the response, also cautious.

I look at him, he is a Unicorn, darker purple body, brown moptop mane, and medium sized brown eyes. His... cutie mark -shudder- is a red Les Paul electric, and he’s taller than average.

His username is “Mareison,” kind of strange, but it works better than the alternative.

“If I agree not to kill you, will you agree not to kill me?” I ask, since I don’t know if he’s hostile.

“Sure, why not? I didn’t want to die alone anyway,” he said, pretty much quoting 1998’s Half-Life.

“What does that mean?” I ask, me guard lowering.

“It means that you’re a bit careless sometimes,” he says, with a hint of smugness in his voice.

“Hey! I-wait, how do you know that?”

“Oh, I’ve been watching you from the bushes the entire time,” he says nonchalantly, while ruffling his mane a little, checking his hooves after that.

“Well, then, that’s not terrifying at all,” I say sarcastically, after letting it register for a while, as if you couldn’t figure that out.

Our eyes start to have a bit of verbal communication, and we agree to not kill each other and he agrees to join the team.

New Party Member!
Mareison

Well, then, I suppose that it’s not a stretch to say that we’re getting along nicely. Of course, I have no idea if I can trust anyone here. Also, I’ve kind of been avoiding places like cliffs, or Cloudsdale (or whatever the equivalent is if there’s a fictional version,) because I’m kind of really afraid of heights. Of course, that’s kind of strange, I mean, a Pegasus who is afraid of heights? Strange, huh? Well, I am. Of course, people who don’t listen to their fears are kind of giant idiots, who will die young.

Anyway, I strap back on the belt that holds all me weapons.

Well, turns out that was the wrong thing to do, because-Ambush!

I stick me sword into the attacker’s face and impale the g’damn guy. Thankfully, it’s just a zombie. Good God, if I caused a player’s death directly, I’d... I don’t know, kill meself? No, that won’t work, it just causes more and more loss of chance to get out of here for the rest of the players.

He puffs into blue code, but not before dripping a few drops of blood and being all emo.

I mean, come on. All he needs now is a diary. Well, all he needed, since he’s dead now. At least these were never alive in the first place... right? Riiiight?

Man, if this were a story, there’d be a shitstorm of I’s.

Damn you, game developers! Why did you have to make Discord even a thing? You know that he can modify game files, you might as well have made him in charge of programming!

Might as well not point out that now, they know fully well.

Wait, hold on, am I getting... Yeah, I’m getting the same drops as if I was level 5! Did they not think about what would happen after that? Those damn developers!

Actually, now that I think about it, I never checked me Ability. I should do that.

Healer?! Fucking HEALER?! I’m probably one of the most inclined people in me team to fight, and now I get Healer as an ability?! Perception would have been more useful! Hell, Luck would have been.

I’d bet George here got Pacifism. It’d be just me luck, wouldn’t it, A team that’s mostly defensive.

Oh, and the game wouldn’t give me a break, either.

Because, in fact, they had to make the zombie drop a Medkit good for ten uses. Great, now all I need is a surgical mask and I can go play Operation! on a dead guy. For the love of Celestia, would you rabbits stop pester-and now they’re clawing at me. Isn’t it just wonderful? God, I wished there were beer in this game.

Or clothes, that’d work too. I think there were, and I was just too lazy to actually choose any. If I did, however, I would have chosen the dolla-dolla blingsuit. What? Just because I’m a 13 hand tall horse doesn’t mean that I can’t show me wealth. Honestly, it’s ridiculous. By the time I bought all that stuff back in London, I had £160,000 left. I don’t even think that some of the richer people in the world have that kind of cash. And really, it’s only because I make albums like Stephen King makes books, and I have a fanbase of about 14-15,000 people, with 15-20 (so far,) £25 albums, and on average, me fans buy about 75% of that.

Anyway, he motions me to follow, and I eye him suspiciously, but accept his request. I motion for John to follow me, so that I can have backup in case things get bad.

“Alright, Paulie, there’s this cave I was trying to get to, it has been used by dragons for millions of years, I wanted to see if there’s anything left,” he exposites just after we leave the forest, into a plains. If I’m right, we’re headed east.

“The cave’s name is the Caves of Nargaroth-Fphleigm, or that’s what I heard, anyway,” the Unicorn continued.

I look at him inquisitively as we enter another forest, “are you sure that it still exists? I mean, it could have been deleted by the Nowhere Man,” I remind him.

“Who’s the Nowhere Man?” he asks, looking back at me, with a sort of official questioning tone to his voice.

“Uh, Discord. It’s just the name me and me mate came up with,” I explain.

We enter a more crowded section of this forest, and I look up.

We’re here, the dreaded (not really, I was being sarcastic) Caves of Nargaroth-Fphleigm, an ancient dragon cave that was taken over by wildlife. It’s enterance is about Rosie O’Donnell-sized, which would be giant for a (normal, not 6’0 on back hooves) pony. This’ll be fuuuun... (Fun fact: don’t go into dragon caves that were taken over by wildlife. The More You Know!)

I walk into the enterance with a makeshift torch in me hand, and ready me axe. I need to get more puns into me daily routine... It’s kinda hard to think of them on the fly, though.

Let’s see... it’s patterned with a sort of pattern you’d expect to see on the walls of an Aztec temple, around 1405, weathered and crumbling sandstone, and I expect to see arrow traps soon.

I encounter a skeleton, (How long did it take you to think that one up, Developers?) and swing an X into it, before saying “Can I axe you a question?”

I see you in the corner. “Sie sind in die Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei!” I yell, before charging it and slicing its head off.

But, before I can do that, cut its head off, that is, it holds its hooves out, face fearful, in order to stop me.

I stop in the middle of the room, “This better be good,” I say, axe still out. It is a skele, after all.

“Oka-wait, what did you just say about me?”

“Um...” I stammer, mentally slapping meself. “Nothing.” I say, quickly and suspiciously.

“Dude, I should just kill you right here. You be talkin’ shit about me.”

“It’s not like you can prove it...” I say, knowing this skeleton isn’t German.

“Anyway, I was here to kill some dragon that came here,” the Skeleton explains, “Apparently, the town closest to here really needs it dead.”

So, a dragon’s infesting... whatever that little village that I passed on the way here is called?

That’s just super.

“Well, we could team up. How does that sound?”

“As long as you stop talkin’ diarrhoea, then we’ll be fine,” the skeleton says, obviously very annoyed at me comment.

“Or, I can leave you here and you get killed,” I say, mostly not-seriously.

Thank fucking god, he caught onto me not-being-seriousness. Either that, or he’s in a strange form of denial caused by the same wrackspurts that wreaked havoc on 1993 Scotland. Either one, really.

Party Member Added!
Skelly Bones

“Skelly Bones.” SKELLY BONES. YOU KNOW, LIKE SHELLY JONES? BUT A GUY? HA HA! 10/10! I ain’t takin any more of this!

Well, I might as well take in what he looks like, since he’s friendly and I don’t want to accidentally kill him. He’s roughly 15 hooves-no brain that’s not it, hands, tall, too big to be considered a pony, looks like some dirt stain splotches that get as big as a femur, and

“Soooo... are you a player?” I ask inquisitively, because “Skeleton” wasn’t an option, last time I checked.

“No, I’m a skeleton and just sprouted a conscience. Yes, I am a player!” he yells rather loudly, annoyed at me stupid question. Yes, it was pretty stupid to ask.

“So, uh, what happened?”

“Well, if you must know, I got a notification in my inbox from Discord, so I opened it, and it told me to go to the statue of Qzloxes III. I find a lever, pull it, and it goes to a dungeon. I’m curious now, so I enter it. Of course, it was a trap, and Discord cast a spell on me. I’m now... fuck it, I’m now as brittle as a pile of bones, but I get a sick increase to my arrow skill. About the same as if I was Level 40-43.” Good God, I hated Archer Skeletons, with their always deceptively powerful Knockback ability. But, hey, maybe I can put him to use.

“Well, I have these arrows, I’m Parkinson’s enough to not be able to use it. (Sorry Parkinson’s people, it was a bad joke!)” I say, with the parenthesis lines being much quieter. Wait, did I just break the fourth wall?

“I heavily doubt it,” he says, handing me the bow and an arrow. I take the items, set an apple about two metres away, and fire at it.

I end up missing by about 1/3 a metre. Well, that should show him.

“Wow, I’ve never seen someone as bad as you,” he says surprisedly. I could tell there was visible awe in his face and voice.

“Well, you’ve never really seen anyone but me, have you?” I ask.

“An entire field trip of eighth graders,” he says. Well, I’m officially the worst shot ever.

“Of course, I was the best, so maybe it’s just bias, but those eighth graders were between me and you.”

Wellm, there goes me pride. Well, except for me Omni pride, still got that.

“Alright, how bout you be the archer for our team?” I say, pretty much setting me team up for potential disaster. I still don’t even trust Mareison.

“Fine.”

“Huh, you’ll need a more appropriate name... how about... Peat West? You know, like Pete Best!” God, that doesn’t even make sense. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea.

“Well, me mates can think of better things...” I say nervously, as I see him glaring at me with a literal fire in his eyes.

“Should you do someth-” I start off, before getting cut off with a “No. It does that.”

“Okay, then...” I say, with one of those giant sweat drips forming in the back of me head, or at least, I could swear it was there. (Hey! That rhymed!)

I got up from the rock that I was sitting on, motioned McCoy to follow, turning back to get the rest of the team.

“Where are you going?” Leonard asked, as we passed a statue of Discord.

“To get the rest of the team, mate,” I replied, speeding up slightly.

I get to the enterance that I came from, pushed some rubble out of the way, and motioned that it’s safe to the rest of the team. They come up to the enterance, slipping a couple times due to the smoothness of their hooves.

“Come on, lads,” I say from the opening as they climb.

“Well, it’s not easy, you know, I’m sweating more than a hooker in church,” John complains.

“Even if-okay, you know what? I’m going to stop trying to make sense of things, I mean, I’m a small purple horse with a horn. That’s not very sensical in itself,” George adds.

Oh George, you’re going to be the Spock, aren’t you?

I help George up, and turn back. Before I can continue walking, however, the small enterance in the cave collapses, leaving us with no way out. Looks of disappointment emanate from George’s face, and one of anger from John’s.

I roll me eyes and start on me merry way to the top of the cave. I motion for John, George, and Bones to follow my lead, and we start on the path to the dragon’s lair.

We encounter several enemy packs throughout the way, slicing-and-shooting through each one, with them getting progressively harder as the cave goes on, with slight colour palette shifts from gold to red.

Before we could ascend to the final level, however, I get a message, from Discord. Riddled with spelling, capitalisation, and syntax errors. Just for fun. And don’t think for a second that it was short, it was three pages long!

“Gah!” I yell, “Ich bin ein Grammatik-Nazi!” That received some strange looks. However, they were able to put two and two together and realise I said Grammar Nazi, not regular Nazi.

“Aber immer noch, Sie machen mich krank zu meinem Magen, anti-Wörterbuch Mann! Den Zorn der Grammatik Führer!” I yell, very annoyed at the bad grammar. Enough to proclaim the Grammar Führer me one true ruler in me mind.

“What did you even say?!” yells Bones MacCalciumface.

“Basically, you will face the wrath of the Grammar Ruler,” I explain, turning me head back to explain. I have OCPD, so I get really annoyed at things like this. Not only that, but nobody can even read this.

We end up at the door to the lair of the dragon, with a carving in the side of the wall that reads ‘Nargaroth the Dragon lies here,’ with pictures of battles with it throughout the centuries.

“Hey! Before we go in, get your weapons out!” I whisper-yell. Of course, that’s not exactly very efficient.

“Okay, Bones, shoot its eyes, it’ll make killing it easier!” What I’m talking about, in fact, is Nargaroth the Dragon. He is red, with a grey underbelly, and a taupe, long and very messy... what would you call it? Hair? Yeah, we’ll go with that.

I fly up, and grab onto one of his large ram-like horns. Very sturdy, I wouldn’t be able to break them, unfortunately. However, it provides a distraction for Bones to shoot its eyes out.

It’s awake! Now, Bones! He shoots both its eyes with one shot, two arrows. Good man, I’d be afraid to be on the receiving end of you.

The dragon’s health drains by about 1/6th of the way. I grab me axe, and whack it quite a lot. Meanwhile John runs up, charges his horn, and tries electrocuting it. At the same time, Bones is shooting at its head with multiple arrow shots, hoping to hit the brain.

However, it swings its arm, and hits John. He flies toward the wall, hits it, and falls. His horn is stuck in the ground, and his health is in the orange.

However, George surprises us all by jumping up and casting a rather powerful Fire spell. To all our surprises, the dragon falls over, scorched, and dead. It breaks apart, and each part disappears into a cloud of blue code.

Congratulations! Your team has defeated
Gamma Dragon Nargaroth
You receive:
2,500 bits
750 EXP
Dragonscales

Level Up!
14 -> 17

I expect the other Beat Brothers to have got the same reward. We look to see if there were any more surprises, but nothing’s happened.

I walk out the doors, with the sound of others behind me, the group following behind me. I ready me axe, and almost get to kill a spider, but before I do that, an arrow hits its head. Good man.

Unfortunately, we can’t get out, since there’s a Zerg Rush of Spiders in the way. I ready me axe, and start slicing through them like butter. I hear electricity spells and arrows. Well, we’ve got these killed.

Level Up!
17 -> 18

Hm... I’m good with the axe. I put it back, and start working against this cave-in. And by that, I mean I fly into it with all the force I can muster. Several times. Eventually, I get an opening made. I ram into it several more times, and open a larger hole for them to go through.

I wiggle out of the cave, and help the others out. Man, it’s like Bones is the only one who tries. But then again, he is a skeleton. Not even skin-and-bone, just bone. Well, we’re outside now.

“Hey,” I ask, “What does it feel like be a skeleton?”

I can tell he’s annoyed, like he gets that a lot, but he simply shakes it off and replies with “Kinda the same, but a lot weirder, since I’m hollow,” he says rather gruffly, as though it annoyed him to no end. Good point.

And, wait, “Good God, George, how did you do that?!”

“Uh, I don’t know... It just kind of happened,” he stammered out, looking up at the sky.

Wow, not even he knew that he was that powerful. I think he gets attached to people really easy, and John is one of those people, so his protection instincts kicked in and, well, you get the rest.

Well, I have a couple ciggies left. I offer some around, John accepts, George doesn’t, and Bones almost does, but he remembers his lack of lungs. I grab me flint and steel, and light mine. John requests it from me, so I hand it over, for him to light his up.

“Well, we’d better hit the road, huh team?” I ask, knowing that we’ll need to continue on.

“Yeah. We’d better,” came the response.

“Or else we’d be dead in an instant,” John adds rather overdramatically, to emphasise that it was sarcastic.

“Nah, mate. We’ve got four of us now. I’d reckon with Bones here, we’d be off well.” That’s George speaking, if you couldn’t figure out.

In case you find this audio log, this has been McColtney, over and out.

Author's Note:

Hopeyoudon'tkickmeShadowflameIjustwantedanofficialsealofquality! Ifyouhavetomakethisnoncanonyoucanbutitwouldbenicetostaycanon.

Comments

[Merseybeat]

5184411 Chaps. up!

[Violet Runner]

Meh.

[Kaffeina]

5567540
Could be a LOT worse.

[Merseybeat]

5568328 Of course, this chapter wasn't one of my favourites. Seemed a bit... I don't know, something.

[Merseybeat]

damn it I accidentally the cover image

fuck.

[Simon Spellcaster]

I assume not receiving damage from enemies is an ability?

[Shadowflame]

If you want this to stay canon, three things:
1. Nerf your guys and your enemies. There's no way Discord would raise Skelly's level to around forty, and at the point of the first boss battle, the highest level players were at LV. 16-18.
2. Put in more detail. I know to exposure of perception to detail is limited by your first person dialogue point of view, but even a storyteller can stand to add more details. This'll definitely make the story better, and I'll hopefully be able to understand all of it.
3. Skelly better not be able to go into towns/cities, because a) He's technically a monster, I'd say, b) Discord probably would've been a deuch and put this restriction I mentioned, just because he's Discord, and c) players seeing a skeleton player around would definitely be... noticed: Players might start panicking if they saw a random skeleton stroll through a supposed "safe-zone"

Other than that, good job! Can't wait for next chapter! (P.S. sorry it took so long to finally get around to reading this chapter!)