September 1, 1992
September 1, 1992. 6:32 AM
I woke up at about 5:23 AM in a hospital bed. I don’t remember much of anything else. It’s currently 6:32, exactly one hour and nine minutes since I woke up. Okay, I can still do simple math. That’s good. since I woke up, no one has come to check the room, even though I pushed the help button. I heard a loud crash earlier, like a metal cart with medical tools had fallen over. I would have gone to check it out, but I heard a strange knawing noise shortly after. I was a little scared. I'm going to write down some of the stuff that happens here, so if I make it, I have documented proof. if I don't, somepony else will. I thought it to be best to leave the room and find help. I opened the door a slight crack to see if anypony was there who could help me. I didn’t see anyone. I began to walk down the hallway until I saw a door slightly open. I went inside to see if anyone was there. No one was. I was beginning to grow worried. I haven’t seen anyone since I woke up, and this is a hospital. Shouldn’t it be busy?
September 1, 1992. 7:48 AM
After what felt like an eternity, I finally saw somepony … but … but they were dead. It was just a rotting corpse by this point. The face was completely unrecognizable, as if somepony had … eaten it. I'm guessing whatever ate it was that knawing I heard earlier.
September 1, 1992. 8:42 AM
My goal is no longer to find someone to help me. My new goal is to get out of this hospital. I’m on the ninth floor, so jumping a window is out of the question. I’m not a pegasus. I think I’m a unicorn, but I don’t remember any spells if I am. I think I saw some stairs earlier. I might try those.
September 1, 1992. 12:03 PM
I retraced my steps until I found the stairs. I didn’t see them the first time though, so I had to go back again. When I took a step, it fell loose. I’m afraid to go further down, in case the whole thing falls. I’ll just have to find another flight.
September 1, 1992. 1:18 PM
I didn’t see another flight of stairs. I saw another body. It was a friend. I know because I remember her face. The stomach was mangled beyond repair this time. I don’t remember her name, which is odd. one would think that one could put a name with a face, even with memory loss. I’ll just have to go to the other flight of stairs.
September 1,1992. 2:07 PM
I went back to the stairs and, remembering what happened the first time, I took a cautious first step. It didn’t fall. I continued down until I got to the bend. The last step fell. I think I twisted my ankle. I got to the bottom of the stairs safely, wincing with every step. I think I’m going to look for a bed and take a nap.
September 1,1992. 3:09 PM
There aren’t any beds on this floor. I’ve seen Frames barricading doors and windows, but no mattresses. I guess I’ll have to sleep on the floor if I really want a nap.
September 1, 1992. 6:16 PM
When I woke up, I looked down the hallway and saw another body that wasn’t there before. I think it was a stallion. His whole body had been burned, like toast. He was sitting in a puddle of blood. It wasn’t his. When a body is burned, the blood evaporates, so it couldn’t have been his. I tried to stand up, but I felt the pain of my ankle almost immediately. I need to find something to help that. I AM in a hospital, after all.
September 1, 1992. 6:34 PM
I found some ace bandages in a room. Hopefully it will help the pain a little. I don’t know much medically, so …
September 1, 1992. 6:43 PM
The pain began to subside, but I haven’t eaten all day. I’m beginning to grow hungry. I … I could always eat the pony down the hall. He is burned, meaning he isn’t raw, meaning he is edible. I don’t think cannibalism would be best right now. I should be worried about fresh water first. Ponies can survive for 4 months without food, but only 1-1 and a 1/2 weeks without water. Shouldn’t there be a bathroom somewhere? I haven’t seen one this whole time. There should be a sink in one. I can get water that way.
September 1, 1992. 6:59 PM
It’s almost seven O’clock. I’m still hungry. I … I Don’t know if I can go much more without food. I have to eat the body.
September 1, 1992. 7:41 PM
I returned to the body, but there wasn’t a body. It was gone now. The blood was gone too. Something is seriously wrong here. I don’t think there any sinks on this floor and none of the water fountains work. I’m going to go down another floor. I think my ankle is capable of going down stairs now. There might be some water there.
September 1, 1992. 8:03 PM
It’s beginning to get late. I can see the lights going down outside. I think I saw someone earlier. Someone … alive. She was … Was … I can’t remember what color she was. Her hair was flat, and … and her tail. God, her tail. It was uh … like a curtain I think. She was crying. I would have asked her for help, but it wouldn’t have ended well I don’t think. There was another body next to her. It was heavily dissected. Yellow, I think. Pink hair. I recognize her. Her name was Shutterfly or something. I Don’t know how long I can go without lights. I may just have to camp in a room til’ morning.
September 1, 1992. 9:09 PM
I remembered a spell. Illuminati. It ignites the casters horn in a light about as strong as the caster speaks the spell. If anyone is here, I don’t want to scare them, so the light will have to be very dim. I think I will go down another floor tomorrow. It’s getting creepy, especially at night.
September 1, 1992. 11:58 PM
I think someone is in the room with me. I can hear someone. I don’t know who they are, and I’m too afraid to find out. It sounds like the pony from earlier. I’m in a corner right now. I don’t know if approaching her is safe or not, considering earlier. I'm going to go to bed when she leaves. It's too dangerous right now. Maybe she's just in need of a friend, but it's too much to risk.
I hope she doesn't find out I'm here.
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So I'm going to guess the crying mare was Pinkamena Diane Pie, and that the stallion was 'possibly' Big Mac, just the first stallion I thought of.
It's okay.
The whole "I have to eat the body" was pretty goofy. There wasn't any indication of the narrator's hunger except for noting the single day. A bit of turmoil regarding feeling like the narrator is starving to death or noting their scrawny malnourished appearance or anything to add urgency would greatly benefit in the plausibility of resorting to cannibalism.
Also, there should be something descriptive regarding why the narrator feels the need to document their events. If the first entry was a statement of realization to the dire situation, it would also add suspense and allow a loose indication on how they are knowledgeable of the date and time, how they survived (i.e. what devices were active and attached to the narrator remedying a dehydration death), and any sign that the hospital is simply empty or is it dilapidated as your cover image imprinted on my brain.
Also, the major issue I have is a disregard for dangerous situations in order to jot some note in a diary. Just think to yourself, would I really stop in this situation, in the pitch black darkness, to log in that I think a potential adversary was in the room with me?
Also, the 'nap' rang peculiar in my mind. There should be a note about feeling overwhelmingly fatigued in a potentially dangerous situation that the narrator is going to think, "A good nap would be totally badass right now." And it should include why they are so tired.
The idea behind this is nothing short of genius; playing on the suspension of the narrator's identity to create a reader involvement or just go along for the ride if they choose to and interweaving that into a compelling tale is simply great story telling.
I would love to see this evolve into something great, but I felt unfortunately disappointed by the aforementioned issues arising with each entry.
I hope this helps.
5010247 I actually didn't give thought on who the stallion was but yes, the crying mare was pinkie.
5010284 you bring up a valid point. I did think of some of these points as well, but im going from personal experience here. it runs in my family that we start to get sick after about ten hours without food. usually, if I can't eat in the current situation, I would lie down and ultimately fall asleep. it helps me conserve energy for later. I also had her take a nap because of her ankle. because of the same reason as the food situation. would you want to walk around with an injured ankle, or would you want to lie down and and give it a rest for a second?
the point you brought up on canniballism. I had also thought about how often I brought up the hunger situation, and noticed that it wasn't that much. so I plan to do more on that later in the next chapter. And in my opinion, I felt like writing the last part down would have helped keep nerve. I am one of those people who has to say something to someone when I learn about it. It gets it off my chest. That's what was running through her mind. Another point, My cover image is to implant exactly that thought into the readers brain, but I didn't quite get entirely that far thinking ahead wise.
And as to how they are aware of the date and time ... magic! No, but seriously, I don't even know that part. I put some thought into it, but figured I would look at that later as a whole, And finish this one chapter and work on that in a later chapter. maybe if you feel like it, you could come up with something for me, but besides that I think it will stay the way it is. Like I said, I feel like I began to get sloppy in the end. If you think there is anything else that should be brought up, please let me know so I can look into IT as well. I think I have looked over everything. If I missed something, let me know, and thank you for the advice in general, and I will certainly keep it in mind when writing later chapters.
Also keep in mind that with this, I may just edit the current chapter and fix a couple of key issues that you brought up but I couldn't explain.
I didn't really form any opinion on this one. It just feels like something you threw together, for the sake of trying out a "gore" story. I'll just point out some of the main issues, then I'll try to suggest how to change it. I'm way too tired tonight to sound professional, so I'll just be blunt. This isn't meant to be an insult. This is merely advice for future pieces.
You keep switching between past tense and present tense, and it keeps throwing me off. I think your main problem is the diary format- its a hard thing to pull off, and you honestly haven't done too well. I guess the main thing is to know the rules before you break them. I'd practice traditional writing styles a bit more- build up some descriptive and emotive writing skills before attempting something like this.
There is a distinct lack of description. The writer seems to just tell me that they're hungry or thirsty, and it's bugging me. Try to describe what the hunger is like, instead of merely telling us. Also, the decisions are very flat. It's obvious they were making a decision we needed to be there for- just saying that "I've decided to escape" really doesn't cut it. Also, can't Twilight (calling it now) check for a horn?
The cannibalism idea seems a little rushed. To us, it seems as if Twilight (I'm going to keep calling her that throughout this) just went "Oh, I'm a little peckish. Well, there's a tasty stallion outside!" I realize that wasn't your intention, but we really only got that and it's making it hard to connect with the character. Plus, she thinks awfully clearly for someone who's dying of hunger- if I was, I probably wouldn't think about how cooked the pony was.
What is she thinking? She's only put a minimal amount of info into the book, and so we have no idea about her feelings or anything.
First off, I'd suggest reading that handy guide they give you a link to when creating a story. While I don't completely agree with all of it, you could certainly benefit from much of it.
Show, dont tell. A lot of people don't know what this really means, so I'll explain. It's basically the difference between saying that someone's hungry and describing the gnawing feeling in their gut, or saying someone was sad and describing their tear-stained eyes and shaking shoulders. Description is your friend, as long as you don't go overboard.
Read a lot. Build up a resovoir of techniques, phrases, words and strategies from others. Don't be afraid to use others' words. As long as you don't just copy over lines of descriptive writing you should be fine. After all, mimickery is the greatest form of flattery (or something like that. I'm tired, I can't write properly)
Don't be afraid to overdo it. I mean, you can overdo it, but it's better to do that then to just leave it empty. Even if people think you're showing off they'll always appreciate it more than if you just straight up say it.
Think about your stories. I at least find it easier to write if I spend at least a week prior writing it in as much detail as I can muster in my head. That way, when I get to writing I already have everything mapped out upon writing, and I always know exactly what happens next.
5010541
Don't get me wrong. I wasn't saying that there plot holes or anything. I was merely pointing out factors which needed elaboration.
Dude, teaming up on this would be so cool. Seriously. I don't have much experience, but if you check out my story, Decapitating Harmony, that is the closest I have to a resume.
I'm enjoying this seriously. :)
5010898
I only didn't mention the tenses because it was in diary format; therefore, I assumed everything to be quoted. It wasn't a big issue in readability for me. It appeared tight and concise.
Adversely, this could be SO DEEP and I hope it goes in that direction. A good 4k words expanded to only cover the bases of the first chapter would probably make this a highly compelling read even in the diary format.
I must be on the lower end of the IQ spectrum or something because I found what little is here to be amazing. My opinion is clearly shared evident the lack of downvotes, but your issues that you brought up were a lot of the same thoughts I had.
By the way, I think Twilight would be too obvious a choice although it would fit the character to keep a log. I would actually venture to say that the main 6 would be excluded from being the narrator. I'd say... Trixie.
5010898 Now, not the whole thing is just thrown together. I will admit that the last part is a little thrown together, but not entirely. I did keep switching tenses (which I should have said something in the authors note, but I guess I forgot) but that is because I didn't realize wether or not it was past or present. It should all be past, now that im thinking about it. and your right, this was hard to pull off. but I think some people actually like it. I have received the go ahead from my friends (who aren't even bronies) and I have 7 likes as of posted date. now, like I said, Im not going to say wether you are right or wrong, but I like your guess of twilight. And whoever the mystery pony is, is suffering from memory loss. so, checking for a horn would have slipped her mind if she had thought about it. and I didn't do much descriptive writing in this because, due to memory loss, writing and grammer skills almost instantly went out the window. that is on the front view for the fic.if there is anything i missed, please let me know.
this is great start for i hope your glade im here to help you
So, Twilight with memory loss, inside a setting combining "28 Days Later" with, apparently, "Silent Hill"?
5023269 first, I take it twilight is your guess, then? and second, I have not read and/or seen either of those. the idea just came to me one night. this is 100% from my brain.
5022275 if you're going to announce it, at least spell it right so I don't have people thinking I have a bad editor.
5041284 um what do u mean
Alright, so as I was reading through this, I saw the normal spelling and grammatical errors you would find in a story. The one part that kind of got to me was the food and water ratios. If you're basing it off of human research, humans can go up to three weeks without food and up to ten days without water.
Now, to turn it back to a happy note, I like this story quite a lot! I think it has a good set-up and is well on its way for a great plot development! I can't wait until the next chapter, and I hope you can get one going soon!
Nice job, here!
I want this finished.
Do it!!!!!
is it twilight? that is my guess