38 Days Later

by What_to_do

Lots of Ketchup

Author's Note:

This is my fist story so, Yeah

“Mother!... Father!...” I screamed jumping out from under my covers gasping for breath. Out of habit, I reached over to the nightstand next to my bed and picked up my glasses, sliding them over my face. “Where are you?!” I screamed again disregarding the cracks in my lens. “Mother!... Please! Where are you.” I cried slowly ending with a parade of tears flowing down my fur leaving two dark lines across my face.

Through my tears and broken glasses I took notice of a needle stuck in my foreleg. Instantly I start to panic, without thought I grabbed the tube connected to the needle with my teeth. With one hard yank, the needle flew out of my leg, that caused me to wince in pain.

Still breathing heavy I tossed the needle away from me giving me some breathing space. Never again am I going to touch a damn needle. I took a look around and saw a plastic rail mounted on the left side of my bed, which is odd because I never had a rail on my bed before. Not to mention the track going around my bed with a curtain attached to it. If I was in a hospital than that would explain the needle...But why is it so dark! I mean, I don't mind the dark, Its just looking out the window of my room you can tell its day. Why would the lights be out?

I proceeded to sit up to a more comfortable position on the bed. “Clank!” I quickly found myself throwing the covers over my head while letting out a very embarrassing girly scream. Every part of me was shaking out of being nearly scared to death. My pupils the size of grapes I… I could very much go for some juicy fresh grapes. My mouth waters as my body relaxes and pupils returned to their normal size. Never did I realize I was this hungry, I could eat an entire archered of fresh ripe grapes. I wonder if they have any grapes in the cafeteria, I sure hope they do. I can just taste them now with all their juices flowing over my tongue as I bite down on them… Snap out of it! I can’t be thinking about grapes at a time like this, no matter how juicy and delicious they can be. I need to seek out whatever it is that fell down by my bed. No matter what it is I won’t be scared I can't be scare its a hospital what would be scary in a hospital, well needles, definitely needles. Stop stalling it can’t be any worse than a needle. I took a deep breath. One, two, three!

Quickly, I leaped off the bed landing right beside the bed looking in the direction of the fallen item with my head low ready to charge. looking upon the wretched item I rise my head back up and walk over to it. Welp its just one of those bed remote things. Picking it up my eyes instantly stare at the red emergency call button. That reminds me, with how loudly I was screaming why did nopony come in my room asking what was wrong? Heh… 5 star hospital, more like 1.

I turned around and notice a dark blue saddlebag with Luna’s cutie mark (a crescent moon surrounded by a black cloud) adorning the opening flaps of the bag. Laying atop is a letter with a black wax seal stamped with a crescent moon. "Luna!" I knew she would send to me… well why wouldn’t she, I am her student. I half expected her to be beside my bed though. I trotted over to the bag, opening the flap and picked the letter up in my hooves. I'll read you later, but as of right now, OFF TO FIND GRAPES! I tossed the saddle bag across my back and trotted out the door with determanation splayed across my face.

---

With my head held high I felt quite relived to have left that dark room, at least the hall way lights came on. Well flicker on and off but still, lights! Somepony must have had a food fight, I mean theres ketchup all over the walls and floor. Luckly its all dry so I wont have to deal with somepony thinking I murdered somepony. Jeez could you even think of all the mass confusion. This just in a coalt comited mass murder in the hospital. HA, that would be hystorical. My gosh theres even clumps of meatloaf on the floor, this must be a griffin freindly hospital.

The cafeteria was no different, patches of ketchup in randon places with the occasional meatloaf. Tables fliped over, chairs scatered all across the room. The parts of the wall not covered by dry ketchup was a dark yellow. The tiles, white with blue and black tiles randomly placed. Just one table was left alone with a single pegasus siting down. Making my way to the food bar I noticed that the pegasus was asleep. Its probably still morning. So the food fight must have happened last night. Why do I always miss all the fun?

With a tray of red grapes and grape juice held between my teeth I proceed to sat across from the sleeping pegasus. I stared at the grapes, mesmerized by the juices that take residence within the thin red outer layer of the grape. My mouth slowly secreted saliva, a small stream flowing down my chin. Immediately I dived into the plate, devouring the sweet, savory juices that resided within. Wasting no time I reached for the carton of grape juice and gulped down the equally sweet fluid, ending with an over exaggerated sigh.

"Its been way to long since I last had grapes! I think it was at the last gala that Luna dragged me to, bribing me with Two pound of grapes. Two POUNDS! Thats a bunch of grapes."

That very moment I heard a muffle come from across me.

"Oh I half forgot you where there."

He slowly sat up just staring at me with lifeless eyes, a reticent, skin chilling groan coming from his mouth.
"So, how was the food fight last night. It must have been amazing! Of corse I wouldn't know I was in a comma. I think it was my 3rd one This year. Oh and most defiantly... Uhhhh What are you doing on top of the table?"

The pegasus had fresh ketchup dripping from... well every limb he still had, and I mean had. He is missing his left wing looking as if it had be torn right off, and quite recently too. He's staring right at me with heavily bloodshot eyes and ketchup dripping from is mouth as well. Come the think of it, ketchup isn't normally this runny... its... its... B...B...Blood! My eyes widen as my pupils shrink down to the size of juicy grapes once again. The revolting stench of decay and rotten flesh finally found its way to my seances, causing me to nearly gag. The pegasus, now completely atop the table, got ready to pounce on me with his head low. With a gurgling growl, he pounced at me.

With the help of Luna's night guard's training I quickly ducked and slid under the table. Without hesitation, I galloped toward the exit looking back to see the pegasus struggling to get up. Half way down the hall I began to hear hoof-steps from behind me closing in. Not to long and he'll be right on top of me. Within a moment's notice I dashed right into the nearest room, closing it behind me and blocking it with the bed.

Not long after the pegasus started banging on the door followed by blood gurgling screams. Moments later more and more screams joined him. "I guess there wasn't a food fight after all." I said between sort gasps for breath."Why did he attack me like that...?

"I don't know, maybe you looked tasty to him." I let out yet another girly scream and hid behind the curtain. "How Cute, I highly doubt that curtain will keep them from eating out alive. Listen, I'm here to help you, personaly sent by princess Luna. I..."

"Luna sent you! Where are you at?" I gleefuly shout, emerging from behind the curtain.

"Yes she did... Back to what I was saying, You are aboiusly traped in that room with no hope of escape, and to make matters worse the door is soon to be broken down and you'll be eaten alive."

"Where are you at!"

He let out an anoyed sigh and awnsered, "... I am curently traped in the security room, thanks to you all the infected are in the hall way outside your room, far away from me."

"Can you please get me out of here!"

"Yes yes, your famous escape, Theres a ventalation shaft behind the desk, it should be already loosened. It should also lead you strait to the waiting room, or..."

"Or, What!"

"Or it will lead you back out in the hall way with the infected."

"That sure is reasuring, What do you mean by infected."

"Later, by the looks of the door, I say you got little time for talking. I'll be watching."

"Thats not creepy at all" I wispered as I made my way to the desk.

"I heard that!"

Comments

[nightwalker]

Based on the title, I was thinking it's a usual road-trip style zombie apocalypse, but you've turned it survival horror a la Dead Rising 1. It seems an interesting idea, the execution is just wildly uneven so far. My biggest beef is, how old it this protagonist? She's old enough to be Luna's student (for a few years, apparently) and have received some rudimentary guard training, yet acts as a very young child, what with the grape obsession and incomprehension of her current situation. Also the total mood swings at the start, from sheer panic to "oh, grapes!" without a whole lot in the middle. At least you mention that this is her 3rd coma (not comma) or so, but you'd think she'd be a little better at dealing with them by now and be used to what a hospital SHOULD be. Oh, and when she walks into the caf and sees the pegasus, how does she not notice the missing wing until she strikes up conversation? You say he's sleeping when she walks in, implying slumped over. So his back should be quite visible, and a torn off wing should be a bit more noticeable, especially with the lights on in that particular room.

Could be good. I'll give it another chapter and see.

[Commissar Derpy Hooves]

No grapes? I know that feel *crys* Anyways spelling, grammar and all that jazz but im intrigued by this story. I'll be sure to follow it eagerly. 7/10

[What_to_do]

Well he is close to 14 years off age and as been her student for 2 but that story will come later. Now his glasses are broken and the hospital lights are nearly working sooo... yeah -
5182963

Now I will eventually change the cover art with my oc on it and stuff

And if anyone sees any errors or any better way to rivise any sentences please notify me of them, I will fix them as soon as I can. (There might be a lot)
Oh and it's a crossover of 28 days later... well it starts out nearly the same
And he as a hard time staying on topic (unless it involves grapes or close to death situations

[sevenofeleven]

Its an interesting story but I found some issues.
Let me know if you want me to show you.
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I have a question about the sense of smell.
Ponies and horses have a better sense of smell than humans but even a human would smell blood. A regular person would smell dead things too.

I like the "wait that is not ketchup, its blood" part but i wonder if it makes sense for your char.
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Yay for grapes!
The best snack, not messy unless they roll on the floor and get stepped on.

[sevenofeleven]

Through my tears and broken glasses(,) I take notice of a needle stuck in my foreleg.

took notice
Most stories are in the past tense
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Instantly I start to panic, without thought(,) I grab the tube connected to the needle with my teeth.

grabbed
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With one hard yank(,) the needle flies out of my leg causing me to wince from the pain.

the needle flew out of my leg, that caused me to wince in pain.
tense problems

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Still breathing heavy I toss the needle away from me giving me some breathing space.
tense problem

Ex
I huffed and puffed while I tossed the needle away, that gave me some breathing space.
----------------
I proceed to sit up to a more comfortable position on the bed. “Clank!” I quickly found myself throwing the covers over my head while letting out a very embarrassing girly scream.

tense problem.
Also the clank seems out of place, what caused the noise?

--------------------

The cafeteria was no different, patches of ketchup in randon places with the occasional meatloaf. Tables fliped over, chairs scatered all across the room. Just one table was left alone with a single pegasus siting down.

random
sitting
scattered
flipped

Do you have a headcanon about pony's sense of smell?
I think ponies have a very good sense of smell and they would instantly smell the rotting meat and blood splashed on the walls. Even humans who have a vastly inferior sense of smell compared to ponies would smell the blood and dead meat.

I like the wait that is blood and not ketchup joke though. Maybe there is a way to do that and still have it make sense?

On the other hand you could roll with ketchup and meatloaf but some how you need to tell/show readers that.

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You need to fix the tense issues, they are on almost every other line.
I won't flag them anymore
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Wasting no time(,) I reach for the carton of grape juice and gulp down the equally sweet fluid, ending with an over exaggerated sigh.

-----------------
"Its been way to long since I last had grapes! I think it was at the last gala that luna dragged me to, bribing me with 2 pound of grapes. 2 POUNDS! Thats a bunch of grapes."

way too
Luna, names get capitalized.
replace 2 with two

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That very moment i heard a muffle come from across me.

muffle?

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"Its been way to long since I last had grapes! I think it was at the last gala that luna dragged me to, bribing me with 2 pound of grapes. 2 POUNDS! Thats a bunch of grapes." That very moment i heard a muffle come from across me. "Oh I half forgot you where there." He slowly sits up just staring at me with lifeless eyes, a reticent, skin chilling moan coming from his mouth. "So, how was the food fight last night. It must have been amazing! Of corse I wouldn't know I was in a comma. I think it was my 3rd one This year. Oh and most defiantly... Uhhhh What are you doing on top of the table?"

formatting issues.

"Its been way to long since I last had grapes! I think it was at the last gala that luna dragged me to, bribing me with 2 pound of grapes. 2 POUNDS! Thats a bunch of grapes."

That very moment i heard a muffle come from across me.

"Oh I half forgot you where there."

He slowly sits up just staring at me with lifeless eyes, a reticent, skin chilling moan coming from his mouth.

"So, how was the food fight last night. It must have been amazing! Of corse I wouldn't know I was in a comma. I think it was my 3rd one This year. Oh and most defiantly... Uhhhh What are you doing on top of the table?"

By added some vertical space to the paragraphs, its easier to read.

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I will come back later and do more.

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You need to describe stuff more. This allows the reader to see your world better.
it would help your story if you did a quick description of your char's hospital room and the other places that are in the story.

Your original text

The cafeteria was no different, patches of ketchup in randon places with the occasional meatloaf. Tables fliped over, chairs scatered all across the room. Just one table was left alone with a single pegasus siting down.

Ex

The cafeteria was the same light green color as my room with light gray tiles on the floor instead of black tiles. Dark brown splats of ketchup adorned the walls and some of flipped over tables and scattered chairs. Large and small bits of meatloaf were spread all over the floor too.

I missed talking about the lighting and other stuff but you get the idea.

Everytime your char moves to a place, try to describe it a bit more. Use colors as well as telling what is in the room.

Describing stuff is a pain in the neck and can be hard but if you keep at it, it gets easier.

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You use I a lot, yeah its first person but these articles could help you.

http://www.fictionfactor.com/guests/firstpov.html
http://cmdrysdale.wordpress.com/2012/11/12/tips-for-writing-a-first-person-narrative/

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As far as the misspellings go, do you have an editor with a built in spellchecker?

Spellcheckers will catch the easy stuff but there are words that sound the same, synonyms. Those words are spelled differently. You have to check and see if you are using the right words.

[What_to_do]

5193778
Thanks for the editing

[New Spark]

Beautiful. In a lot of ways. This is set in Europe? Why? Anyways, it's totally cool.

[What_to_do]

5432588
if you watched 28 days later and 28 weeks later, because this story is inspired by those films and they take place in Europe

[New Spark]

5446229 Oh okay. I haven't watched them, but I'm still understanding the stories.

[Sol Beats]

Take this helpful feedback from a fellow student of the SFNW group! Anyway, there are a fair amount of grammarical errors, not to mention a nice burst of misspelled words at the end, but I believe a story doesn't have to be novel perfect to be great. I'm more with content and story. I have a good comment and a critique comment.

Good Comment: Ha, I love how the kid thinks its a food fight and wanted in. Just give it a few minutes! So focused on getting grapes, not a care in the world! This makes me visualize that he is a little more foolish than the normal foal. Hope that comes into play later.

Critique Comment: Huh. Not much to say really. But there is this.

Never again am I going to touch a damn needle.

Think a little foal should be saying damn? Although plenty of movies have that happen... probably me just nitpicking.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next chapter of this fine story!