• Member Since 3rd Aug, 2014
  • offline last seen Sep 2nd, 2023

What_to_do


Let's discover love, hate, tragedy, and internal conflicts together withen the black and white lines of imagination.

T

Dug is a simple changeling living is life as he as all his life, wake up two hours before his master to cook him breakfast, watch him eat, then wash the dishes after he himself eats. Tend to his master's every day needs. And keep his opinions to himself unless asked for. As well as get harassed by every pony in the city. To Dug this life is normal for changelings. Until he discovers the truth and joins other changelings in the change.

Special Thanks to New Spark for editing

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 9 )

O....M.....F.....G This is perfect.

Comment posted by New Spark deleted Dec 16th, 2014
Comment posted by New Spark deleted Dec 16th, 2014

So far I like it. Good job!:raritywink:

7867790
Thank you. I'm just going to say something. I see a lot of stories on this site that are not well written and not well thought out. And they get more attention than this story, I have gotten a lot of good reviews on it, but I just wish for my story to be read by more people.:fluttershysad:

7871034
Make sure to promote. perhaps try to write a few chapters in advanced build up a stockpile of sorts. You can release them in semi rapid succession. every time it is updated it shows up on the front page. I really like this story so far, it has some potential for some decent world building and I'm kind of a sucker for this kind of story. I'll read it as long as you write it.

First Impressions; A Second Person Fic? Without the tag? That's kinda weird, my guy. Then I kept reading and saw that it was *not* second person.
The first paragraph does read strangely, it's a little jarring to go from second to first-person.

Me, being the rut was the last to go

,
"Me being the *runt, *I was the last to go"

Ever since I waited on him and was the target for his anger, his stress reliever. All this was caused by one dreadfully treaty

"Ever since(,) [I've] waited on him..." Could otherwise be reworked to flow a little better. [Ever since that moment, I've waited on him, horn and hoof. I was the target for his anger, his stress relief, and (TBD)]

I'm not deleting the above because it points out a few issues with the story with choice of diction and syntax, but they are fixable and don't detract too much from the tone/mood aimed for. However, don't be afraid to get a little wordy with descriptors whether based on imagery or actions.

Missing caps on a word here and there, The story seems to jump from place to place. You went from the treaty and its results to the conception and details of the treaty itself

"And here it states that from now on forth the hive of Queen Chrysalis will hand Equestria three Changeling eggs every week; within not doing so or to cease exchange will result to war. For return, Equestrian will use the queen's hive as a prison, allowing the Changelings to do as they please with them; rather it be for food or courting or slavery, Equestria will turn a blind eye."

A lot of this reads awkwardly, especially as an address. Why does Chrysalis herself have to hand over the eggs? Wouldn't it be the changeling nation? '...result to war' has a different contextual meaning. 'result in war' would work better

Okay, immediately after you go over a bit of the treaty, it's describing Changelings and their feeding methods, which would've fit closer to the beginning with why Changelings are hated and enslaved. Continuing on with the same paragraph; The reader has no idea what an unhealthy Changeling looks like. They already look unhealthy as they're full of holes and seem insectine. Then we jump to people who hate and support Changelings in turn without really knowing why either group does what they do. AIM hates Changelings because they exist, yes, but that's just racism. CPO seems to be the Underground Railroad without any sort of secrecy.

After that, we're in the MC's head again. The exposition could be touched up to flow and read a little more consistently

There are times I wonder what the other changelings given to the ponies are doing, if they are spoiled by one of the ponies part of the Changeling freedom group, or if they have it just as bad as me. Or how changelings normally live in general. Do they all live under one master like I do and have families like the ponies do? Do they go every day with a warm smile like the ponies do? If only I could meet a changeling from a hive.

This paragraph could use a rework. The first sentence is a run on that doesn't read fluidly. And how does the MC know he has it any better than anyone else? The sentence starting with ['Or how changelings normally live in general'] reads as a part of the previous sentence.
Why, with the MC knowing as much as they seem to with the exposition, do they not know anything about how other enslaved Changelings live? Unless we're talking about free Changelings, which isn't really specified until the end of the paragraph. As one of the first, should they not be more knowledgeable? Are there *any* free changelings walking about in Equestria?

At the end, I don't know what to do with the whispers in the back of the MC's mind because there was no build up. This will probably be expounded upon if the story continues, but why doesn't the MC exposit about the thing that makes them feel safe? What is said? Why does it happen?

Overall there's a lot of stuff wrong with the chapter, but it's still a pretty decent start and premise to a story. From changes with spelling, diction, and syntax, there's some stuff to work on. Keep your head up, keep writing, and my main piece of advice is try to keep things in order. I had a hard time getting through some of this because it leaps and jumps from place to place without connecting anything to each other.

Stay Cool, Kid

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