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The undead have taken over Europe leaving the county in a state of weakness. All borders are shut down not allowing anypony in or out. Luna's newest and first student is off on a task in Europe where he gets in a carriage crash nearly taking his life. Waking up to a new world of survival and lack of grapes.
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Based on the title, I was thinking it's a usual road-trip style zombie apocalypse, but you've turned it survival horror a la Dead Rising 1. It seems an interesting idea, the execution is just wildly uneven so far. My biggest beef is, how old it this protagonist? She's old enough to be Luna's student (for a few years, apparently) and have received some rudimentary guard training, yet acts as a very young child, what with the grape obsession and incomprehension of her current situation. Also the total mood swings at the start, from sheer panic to "oh, grapes!" without a whole lot in the middle. At least you mention that this is her 3rd coma (not comma) or so, but you'd think she'd be a little better at dealing with them by now and be used to what a hospital SHOULD be. Oh, and when she walks into the caf and sees the pegasus, how does she not notice the missing wing until she strikes up conversation? You say he's sleeping when she walks in, implying slumped over. So his back should be quite visible, and a torn off wing should be a bit more noticeable, especially with the lights on in that particular room.
Could be good. I'll give it another chapter and see.
No grapes? I know that feel *crys* Anyways spelling, grammar and all that jazz but im intrigued by this story. I'll be sure to follow it eagerly. 7/10
Well he is close to 14 years off age and as been her student for 2 but that story will come later. Now his glasses are broken and the hospital lights are nearly working sooo... yeah -
5182963
Now I will eventually change the cover art with my oc on it and stuff
And if anyone sees any errors or any better way to rivise any sentences please notify me of them, I will fix them as soon as I can. (There might be a lot)
Oh and it's a crossover of 28 days later... well it starts out nearly the same
And he as a hard time staying on topic (unless it involves grapes or close to death situations
Its an interesting story but I found some issues.
Let me know if you want me to show you.
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I have a question about the sense of smell.
Ponies and horses have a better sense of smell than humans but even a human would smell blood. A regular person would smell dead things too.
I like the "wait that is not ketchup, its blood" part but i wonder if it makes sense for your char.
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Yay for grapes!
The best snack, not messy unless they roll on the floor and get stepped on.
Through my tears and broken glasses(,) I take notice of a needle stuck in my foreleg.
took notice
Most stories are in the past tense
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Instantly I start to panic, without thought(,) I grab the tube connected to the needle with my teeth.
grabbed
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With one hard yank(,) the needle flies out of my leg causing me to wince from the pain.
the needle flew out of my leg, that caused me to wince in pain.
tense problems
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Still breathing heavy I toss the needle away from me giving me some breathing space.
tense problem
Ex
I huffed and puffed while I tossed the needle away, that gave me some breathing space.
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I proceed to sit up to a more comfortable position on the bed. “Clank!” I quickly found myself throwing the covers over my head while letting out a very embarrassing girly scream.
tense problem.
Also the clank seems out of place, what caused the noise?
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The cafeteria was no different, patches of ketchup in randon places with the occasional meatloaf. Tables fliped over, chairs scatered all across the room. Just one table was left alone with a single pegasus siting down.
random
sitting
scattered
flipped
Do you have a headcanon about pony's sense of smell?
I think ponies have a very good sense of smell and they would instantly smell the rotting meat and blood splashed on the walls. Even humans who have a vastly inferior sense of smell compared to ponies would smell the blood and dead meat.
I like the wait that is blood and not ketchup joke though. Maybe there is a way to do that and still have it make sense?
On the other hand you could roll with ketchup and meatloaf but some how you need to tell/show readers that.
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You need to fix the tense issues, they are on almost every other line.
I won't flag them anymore
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Wasting no time(,) I reach for the carton of grape juice and gulp down the equally sweet fluid, ending with an over exaggerated sigh.
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"Its been way to long since I last had grapes! I think it was at the last gala that luna dragged me to, bribing me with 2 pound of grapes. 2 POUNDS! Thats a bunch of grapes."
way too
Luna, names get capitalized.
replace 2 with two
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That very moment i heard a muffle come from across me.
muffle?
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"Its been way to long since I last had grapes! I think it was at the last gala that luna dragged me to, bribing me with 2 pound of grapes. 2 POUNDS! Thats a bunch of grapes." That very moment i heard a muffle come from across me. "Oh I half forgot you where there." He slowly sits up just staring at me with lifeless eyes, a reticent, skin chilling moan coming from his mouth. "So, how was the food fight last night. It must have been amazing! Of corse I wouldn't know I was in a comma. I think it was my 3rd one This year. Oh and most defiantly... Uhhhh What are you doing on top of the table?"
formatting issues.
"Its been way to long since I last had grapes! I think it was at the last gala that luna dragged me to, bribing me with 2 pound of grapes. 2 POUNDS! Thats a bunch of grapes."
That very moment i heard a muffle come from across me.
"Oh I half forgot you where there."
He slowly sits up just staring at me with lifeless eyes, a reticent, skin chilling moan coming from his mouth.
"So, how was the food fight last night. It must have been amazing! Of corse I wouldn't know I was in a comma. I think it was my 3rd one This year. Oh and most defiantly... Uhhhh What are you doing on top of the table?"
By added some vertical space to the paragraphs, its easier to read.
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I will come back later and do more.
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You need to describe stuff more. This allows the reader to see your world better.
it would help your story if you did a quick description of your char's hospital room and the other places that are in the story.
Your original text
The cafeteria was no different, patches of ketchup in randon places with the occasional meatloaf. Tables fliped over, chairs scatered all across the room. Just one table was left alone with a single pegasus siting down.
Ex
The cafeteria was the same light green color as my room with light gray tiles on the floor instead of black tiles. Dark brown splats of ketchup adorned the walls and some of flipped over tables and scattered chairs. Large and small bits of meatloaf were spread all over the floor too.
I missed talking about the lighting and other stuff but you get the idea.
Everytime your char moves to a place, try to describe it a bit more. Use colors as well as telling what is in the room.
Describing stuff is a pain in the neck and can be hard but if you keep at it, it gets easier.
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You use I a lot, yeah its first person but these articles could help you.
http://www.fictionfactor.com/guests/firstpov.html
http://cmdrysdale.wordpress.com/2012/11/12/tips-for-writing-a-first-person-narrative/
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As far as the misspellings go, do you have an editor with a built in spellchecker?
Spellcheckers will catch the easy stuff but there are words that sound the same, synonyms. Those words are spelled differently. You have to check and see if you are using the right words.
5193778
Thanks for the editing
Beautiful. In a lot of ways. This is set in Europe? Why? Anyways, it's totally cool.
5432588
if you watched 28 days later and 28 weeks later, because this story is inspired by those films and they take place in Europe
5446229 Oh okay. I haven't watched them, but I'm still understanding the stories.
Take this helpful feedback from a fellow student of the SFNW group! Anyway, there are a fair amount of grammarical errors, not to mention a nice burst of misspelled words at the end, but I believe a story doesn't have to be novel perfect to be great. I'm more with content and story. I have a good comment and a critique comment.
Good Comment: Ha, I love how the kid thinks its a food fight and wanted in.
Just give it a few minutes! So focused on getting grapes, not a care in the world! This makes me visualize that he is a little more foolish than the normal foal. Hope that comes into play later.
Critique Comment: Huh. Not much to say really. But there is this.
Think a little foal should be saying damn? Although plenty of movies have that happen...
probably me just nitpicking.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next chapter of this fine story!