Cutiemark Challengers

by Angel Halo

chapter 1 "Rise of The Challengers"

It was a cool afternoon in pony Ville meanwhile in the CMC clubhouse there were only sounds of arguing. "What about rock climbing cutie marks?"asked Scootaloo frustrated

"We already tried that Stupid!!"Apple bloom yelled at Scootaloo angrily.

"How about confectionary cutie marks?"Said Sweetie belle

"TRIED IT!!"Scootaloo and Apple bloom both yelled at Sweetie belle.

"Hey Scoots guess what my little cousins are coming over and I was hoping you three could hang out for a while; while I help AJ out with some work; later today is when they're coming to town. Oh and yeah, they're both blank flanks like you guys". Rainbow said coolly "There names are Icy Cloud and Golden Rod" Rainbow said.

" Cool Rainbow Dash I'm soo excited to meet them." Scootaloo said excitedly.

"Apple bloom don't forget Babs seed is coming over with her younger brother Orange Sorbet also Babs got her cutie mark but Orange doesn't have his yet so he can even join yer little club, sis." Applejack said.

"Neat" Apple bloom said happily.

"Three new club members wow! " said Scootaloo.

"Sweetie belle Oh Sweetie belle?!"Rarity yelled looking for her sister.

"Yeah! up Here Sis!!" Sweetie called out for her sister.

"Oh Sweetie I simply forgot to tell you that our cousin Hidden Gem is coming over for the week and you to she get along famously because you both don't have your cutie marks." Rarity said delightedly;

"Cool now that's four new members maybe we could get our cutie marks in helping ponies!" Sweetie belle said Ecstatically.

---

[The Next day at the clubhouse]

"I got my cutie mark when a bully was picking on a little kid and I stood up to him."Babs said with a grin.

"Sweet, Babs; and by the way Orange, do you wanna join the cutiemark crusaders?"Applebloom asked the pale orange earth pony colt with a bright orange and pale red hair (similar to Pokey Peirce's style).

"I'll think about it" said Sorbet thoughtfully.

"THINK ABOUT IT!?!?!" Applebloom said shocked. "Well maybe you need to meet the whole team before you really decide" said Applebloom more calmly.

"WE'RE HERE!!!!!" Yelled Sweetiebelle coming up the ladder with an unknown unicorn with a pale pink coat and a blonde and light blue streaked mane(in a style similar to Rarity's). Orange Sorbet's jaw dropped at the sight of her and when she looked up and saw him a light blush creased her face and she shyly smiled at him.

"Hi" Gem said shyly in her Trottish accent

"Hi" Sorbet said the same way back.

"Hey guys " Scootaloo said fluttering slightly off the ground

"Hii!!" the twins said in sync. The white Pegasus filly with golden hair in a flat flowing style doing loop de loops in the sky was Golden Rod and the more calm looking Pegasus filly with spiky down pointing cyan and white hair similar to Cloud Kicker's (or Flitter's) floating on a cloud was near her twin sister was Icy Cloud. Icy flew off the cloud into the clubhouse

"Hi I'm Icy Cloud" said the calm filly

"And I'm Golden Rod " said the more excited filly.

"Nice to meetcha " Applebloom said happily welcoming them
"Now that everyone's here let's do some introductions. We are the cutie mark crusaders Applebloom is my name this is Scootaloo(She pointed at the orange Pegasus) Sweetie Belle(she pointed at the white unicorn) and this is Babs Seed our former member whom already has her cutiemark but now we welcome you to join us." Apple bloom said business like.

"But what if we don't wanna join you?" Golden Rod said with a grin.

"What do you mean?" Sweetie Belle asked confusedly.

"Well I'm assuming what she means to say darlings is that maybe we can try things on our own first?" Said Gem

"Yeah and since you all don't have your cutiemarks still that must mean you've all failed at it, a lot." Said Orange Sorbet

"And maybe we could even start our own club." Said Icy lightening up.

"Is that a challenge?!?!" Said Scootaloo fluttering angrily.

"Yeah and we'll even call ourselves the Cutiemark Challengers!!" Said Golden Rod with a sly grin. "Whoever gets all their teams members their cutiemarks first wins and gets bragging rights!! And whoever loses has to give the winning team 10 bits and has to quit trying with their team, but they can try by themselves if they want to." Said Golden Rod Triumphantly

"It's a deal!!! yelled Scoots even more Angrily.

"Oh boy" said Applebloom and Sweetiebelle tiredly.

"I'll even see if we can meet up at Rarity's boutique while you guys can still meet in your clubhouse." said Gem nicely

"OH IT'S ON!!!" Sweetie said Furiously.

"Well this turned bad quickly" Applebloom said.

"Yeah" said Sorbet confusedly.

"And I will give my assistance to whoever needs it" Rarity said reassuringly.

"I'll help too if ya wanna try yer hoof at farming" Applejack said positively. "

In fact we'll try that first since YOUR going with Rarity" Sweetiebelle said possessively.

"We could try sugarcube corner since they need more help since Pinkie went traveling with Cheese Sandwich for a few months. But apples are always nice." Applebloom said unsurely.

"Wait a minute don't we out number you guys" said Icy;

"You're right, we need another Crusader on our side!" said Scootaloo.

"But who?" asked Sweetiebelle thoughtfully.

Author's Note:

MY First STORY I'm officially awesome it was going to be a Cheese Pie but CMC vs. CMC (Clever huh?)

Comments

[Elric of Melnipony]

I'd like to offer you some suggestions, if I may...

- Do a lot of reading. Even if you read a lot now, read more. Read fanfics, read short stories, read novels, read. The more reading you do, the more you absorb in terms of what to do with your own stories.
- Please, please take the time to brush up on the rules of punctuation and capitalization. There are plenty of easy guides available right here on the internet. Proper mechanics will do more than just make your story look more professional; they'll make people give your story a chance when they wouldn't have otherwise.
- Consider approaching your English teacher -- or if you don't like that teacher, another one you have a better connection with -- and letting him/her know that you've started taking up writing as a hobby. Any good teacher would be happy to encourage you in this and offer you pointers.
- When you have a chance, check out the Writing Guide here on the site.

[The Guardian and Friends]

You fucked up Babs. I KEE' YOU!

[Yoshi89]

With some fine-tuning, this story has potential but I don't see how foals would want to compete to see who'd get their cutie marks first.

[Angel Halo]

5020417 its not a hobby drawing is a hobby this came 2 me and I had to write it down

[Angel Halo]

5022672 well it was just for fun and Goldie was just kidding I hope ...

[Elric of Melnipony]

5023179
So you're saying you don't want to improve? Because I was offering suggestions based on helping you improve your writing.

[Angel Halo]

5023470 that's nice of u but I need like a proofreader maybe

[Elric of Melnipony]

5023585
You may want to consider joining the Looking for Editors group and asking for help.

[Sunglasses Indoors]

Well, I managed to slog through the first chapter. I know I'm not supposed to say anything mean-spirited, but there's no constructive criticism left to give. I don't think any amount of proof-reading would have saved this from the author's own ineptitude. They would've had to do more work than you did, Angel.

A few things I want to add, though, before I kick myself out of here.
- Use tags properly when uploading stories. From what I read, Dinky Do didn't even make an appearance in this fic. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were more prominent figures herein, and the tags should reflect this. Also, I see no reason to have the "Comedy" and "Romance" tags on there, either. It wouldn't be so bad if you had a story update prepared to make these valid, but this is two weeks old.

- Please, please take Elric's advice. Every single bullet-point should be considered. Do more reading, expand your vocabulary, learn about syntax and grammar. Proofreaders are there to fix minor mistakes, and help get your story ready for the public eye. None of them want to dive in with a HAZMAT suit and just fix everything.

- If you're not willing to put time and effort into writing your stories, you can bet nobody will put time nor effort into reading them. There are exceptions to this, but as a general rule, you should care about what you're putting on the internet. Even if you remove it, people will remember who made it.

Finally, the internet isn't a good place to store your brain-babies. I learned that the hard way, when I posted a fic about Discord being a human trapped inside a digital Equestria. Ideas never make a story successful, because everybody has them. It's not about having more or less ideas, but rather about how well-polished they are. If you can't accept that, then maybe you should think about an alternate way to spend your time.

Then again, this just may be a pre-fulfilled prophecy that came true two weeks ago. If that's the case, you don't have to bother with any of the stuff I said.